Hello, everybody, I am delighted to be here and grateful to all of you for joining us for this discussion. In 2015, I gave a TEDx Talk in a little elementary school auditorium, and much to my surprise, the talk became one
of the 10 most-viewed talks in the history of TED. And in that talk, I conveyed
one simple scientific finding. The finding that when we study
hundreds of people over their entire adult lives, the people who turn out
to be the happiest and the healthiest are those who have good,
warm connections to others. So today, I want to take you
deeper into this whole subject, by exploring how relationships
matter in our lives, how they affect our health, what kinds of relationships
give us this big benefit in happiness, and which tools you can start using today
to make your relationship stronger. So I do direct this Harvard Study
of Adult Development. It's, as far as we know,
the longest study of the same people that's ever been done,
following people since 1938. From adolescence
all the way through old age, and now following all of their children, thousands of lives. And we began to find, about 30 years ago, this startling connection
between warm relationships and how good our lives feel to us, our well-being, and also the fact that warm relationships
seemed to keep people both physically stronger
and kept their brains sharper as they grew older. And we didn't believe the data at first. We thought, how could this be that relationships actually
get into our bodies and shape our health? But then other studies
began to find the same thing. We found that people had less depression, they were less likely to get
diabetes and heart disease, that they recovered faster from illness when they had better connections
with other people. So then the question is:
How could this work? How do relationships shape our happiness
and our physical health? Well, one of the best theories, for which there's now
some pretty good evidence, is based on the idea of stress. That, as we know, stress is an inevitable
part of all of our lives. Stress happens to us every day. And what we find
is that good relationships turn out to be stress regulators. So let me give you an example. Let's say that I have something upsetting
happen to me during the day, and I find myself, like,
ruminating about it and really thinking about it and unhappy. I can feel my body go into
what we call fight or flight response where literally my heart rate goes up and I might start sweating a little bit and I'm just not feeling as well. Now, what we're meant to do
is to come back to equilibrium when a stressor goes away. That's the way the body
is supposed to work. But what happens if I go home
at the end of my upsetting day and I have somebody to talk to? Either I can call someone on the phone
or it's somebody I live with. I can literally feel my body calm down. I can feel that fight or flight
response subside. But what if I don't have
anybody to go home to? What if there's nobody I can call? What we find is that people
who are isolated, are lonely, don't have those stress regulators
that we get from good relationships and that we stay in chronic
fight or flight mode, that our bodies have this chronic stress, chronic levels of inflammation and circulating stress hormones
that wear away our happiness and break down different body systems. Well, what kinds of relationships
seem essential to well-being? And this is interesting. We asked people who were our original
participants in our study. We asked them, Who could you call in the middle
of the night if you were sick or scared? And many of our people could list
several other people they could call if they were in trouble. Some people couldn't list anyone. There wasn't a person on the planet
who they could turn to if they were sick or scared. And what we find is that having
at least one person in your life who you feel really has your back, who you could go to
if you were in trouble, that's essential for maintaining
our happiness and our health. When we asked these same people, when they got to be in their 80s, to look back on their lives and to tell us what they were proudest of, almost everybody said something
about their relationships. They didn't say, "I made a lot of money" or "I won some big awards." They said, "I was a good mentor," "I was a good friend," "I raised healthy kids," "I was a good partner." And so what we find is that what seems to mean
the most to people when they get to the end of their lives is the strength and the warmth
of their connections to others. So then the question comes up, well, which types of relationships
support our well-being? Some people have asked, "Do I need to be in an intimate
relationship to get this benefit?" Absolutely not. All types of relationships
support our well-being. So friendships, relatives, work colleagues, casual contacts. The person who gets you
your coffee every morning at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts, the person who checks you out
in the grocery store, who you see maybe every week. Even talking to strangers
has that benefit. So they did an experiment where they assigned some people
who were about to go on the subway the task of talking to a stranger while other people
were assigned the task of just doing their usual thing
of being on their phones or listening to music or reading. It turned out that the people
who were assigned to talk to strangers didn't think they were going to like it, but they turned out to be much happier
at the end of the task than the people who just rode the subway
keeping to themselves. So even talking to strangers
gives us that little hit of well-being from relationships. So the question comes up: How can we strengthen
our connections with other people? And this is where we've come
to think about it as a kind of social fitness. If we think about physical fitness, you know, we we think,
OK, I'll go to the gym, I’ll work out, I’ll take a long walk, I'll do something to keep
myself strong and fit. But then we come home
and we don't say, I'm done, I don't ever have to do that again. We have the sense
that physical fitness is a practice that we need to maintain over time. It turns out that social
fitness is the same. That in fact, our friendships, our relationships don't just
take care of themselves, that even good relationships
need tending to, they need attention. They need returning to them
over and over again. So what are some ways that we can
strengthen our relationships? Well, one way is to be proactive,
to take the initiative. So to reach out to a friend and ask her to take a walk instead of spending
two more hours on your laptop this weekend on Saturday afternoon. Establish some routines with the people who are most important to you. A regular phone call
or a coffee every Saturday with someone you really want
to be sure you see regularly. Or meeting somebody at the gym. Or having lunch with a coworker. The other thing we can do is liven up
those long-standing relationships, particularly like the people we live with. You know, people we can come
to take for granted, by proposing to do something new. Going out on a date, just taking a walk,
if that's not your usual routine. The other thing that we know
works to help people, particularly who aren't as connected
to others as they want to be, is to connect around shared interests. So volunteer in the community to do something that you care about. It might be a gardening club,
it might be a bowling league, it might be a political cause. But to do something that you care about because then you're with other people
who care about the same thing, and that's a natural place
to start conversations that can lead to ongoing relationships. And finally, get more comfortable striking up
casual conversations. That's something we can learn
to be more comfortable with, almost like exercising a muscle. So now, I would like to ask you
to do one of these things, to make one of these choices
that we can make every day. I'd like you to make
that choice right now. Here’s my challenge to you: think about someone you miss, that you just haven't seen in a while or you haven't had contact with, and you'd like to make contact. You don't even have to have
a particular reason. Now I want you to take out your phone
or whatever device you use, right now, and send that person just a little note. It could say, "I'm just thinking
of you and wanted to connect." Or you could say something more personal
to you and to your relationship. And then watch what comes back to you. And while we're here, we may even have time
to share with each other some of the responses
that people get when they do this. So think of someone. And make contact right now. The point of this simple exercise is to remind us that even small actions can have ripple effects
that build our well-being. And that these are things you can do
every day in the moment. Thank you. Whitney Pennington Rodgers:
One way I'd love to kick things off, Bob, you mentioned,
at the top of your talk, that you run this Harvard Study
of Adult Development and gave us sort of a snippet
of what that is. But could you tell us a little bit
more about the study, what does it track? Why did it start,
who’s in the study today? Robert Waldinger: Absolutely. The study started in 1938, and it started with two groups: a group of Harvard College undergrads, and it started with a group
of inner city boys who were in elementary school
or middle school from really disadvantaged,
troubled families. And each study was trying to look at how people can take
healthy developmental paths. And so the idea was not to study
what goes wrong in our lives but what goes right in our lives. And some of the factors that contribute
to helping things go well in human development. Needless to say, we started
out with boys, all males, but we’ve added women. And we have more than half women now, and we've added the second generation. So we started out with 724 people. Now we have over 2,000 people in our study and we're still collecting data today. WPR: Wow. And I know in the book you talk about ... how the advice you offer, the wisdom you offer is not just
drawn from your own study because of some of what you've suggested, that you're just now starting to bring
women and different generations. And I guess could you talk
about some of the other gaps and why it's been important
to also think about some of the other studies out there
on life and happiness? RW: Yes, that's a really good point, because, particularly
in this kind of research, no single study is proof of anything. That what we want is for different
studies of different populations. So different ethnic groups,
different cultural groups, different geographies, right? We want different studies
to point in the same direction. And that's why I'm here
and I can tell you with confidence, many studies point to all these same
benefits of relationships. WPR: And I know you touched
on the health element in your talk and shared that there is data
that reveals that we have -- that there's a strong connection
between happiness and health. What have you specifically found
related to happiness and health outcomes? RW: What we find is that happiness turns out to make us age more slowly and keep us able longer. So the diseases of aging
that happen to all of us, happen later, sometimes they don't happen at all in people who are happier
have a greater sense of well-being. And it's because of what I spoke about
a few minutes ago, this kind of decrease in chronic
inflammation and chronic stress. And so what we find is
that -- we can't guarantee that any one person
is going to stay happier or live longer if they have better relationships, but we find that there are
these ingredients, just like taking care of your health -- you know, not smoking,
not abusing alcohol or drugs, exercising regularly, getting regular health care, having access to health care. All of those things
really matter for our health. WPR: And you start the book
with a question. You say, "If you had to make
one life choice right now to set yourself on the path
to future health and happiness, what would it be?" And from hearing your talk today, we know that the right answer
to that question is to build more warm connections. But I want to ask you
about the use of the word "choice" there and understanding more about whether
or not having warm connections is a choice that we make or, to put it another way, are there qualities that each of us have
that maybe make us more social people and that these are just baked
into our personalities? Can we decide to be a person
who makes connections? RW: That's a really important
point because we differ. We are all different in how much
connection we want and benefit from. So some of us are introverts,
and that’s just fine. That's perfectly normal. And introverts don't want
a lot of connections. In fact, being with a lot of people
is exhausting for introverts. And so some people just need one
or two good relationships. Everybody needs a little
bit of connection. But some people actually don't need a lot. And so what we want to do
is try to figure out for ourselves what's right for me. And that involves, really,
just tuning in and saying, "OK, I'm energized
by being with a lot of people, so I'm going to do that," or "No, I'm exhausted
by being with a lot of people. For me, you know, a quiet
conversation with one person is the most energizing thing
I can do in the interpersonal realm." And so it's really a matter of discerning
what's right for each person. WPR: And what factors
have you found contribute to that? Maybe things from early
in life or childhood that might actually shape our ability
to make these connections later in life? RW: Yes, so, many of our social skills
we learn when we're growing up. We learn it in our families, we learn it at school
and on the playground. They can be learned,
and they can be improved as we get into adulthood. They’re not set in stone
once we’re done with childhood. So it's really important to see
the ways that, you know, just like some of the suggestions I made, ways that you can practice
getting better at this, because it really pays off. But some people are not so good at this. And they can have perfectly wonderful, happy, healthy lives without being social
butterflies and extroverts. And I just want to name that so that people don't go away thinking, "Gosh, if I'm not an extrovert,
I'm out of luck." Not true at all. Many of our happiest people
had quieter lives. WPR: And you know, I guess to the tips
that you offered in the talk, you know, you talked about how we can build
warm connections, steps that we can take. And this idea of social fitness. And so I'm curious how can we
actually assess our social fitness, and as you said, to sort of,
understand what is right for us in terms of how many friends to have. And is it possible
to sustain warm relationships if you aren't really intentional
in thinking about your social fitness? RW: That question of how do we assess
our social fitness, it's really checking in and saying, am I as connected as I would like to be to other people? And if I'm not, what am I missing? So not all relationships provide us
with the same stuff. Some relationships are relationships
we have because they're fun, you know? And so they're the people
I like to go out and party with. Some relationships are the relationships
that help me when I'm scared or hurting or worried about something. And I need someone
to talk things over with. I need a sounding board, a good advisor. Some relationships
are the people who, you know, loan me tools when I need to fix something
and I don't have the right tool or give me a ride to the doctor. So part of it is checking in
about, what am I missing? And then seeing what might be possible in terms of developing
more of the relationships that give us the things we want more of. WPR: And along those same lines,
TED Member Tiana wants to know: How do we define if a relationship
is actually meaningful or not? I mean, it sounds like understanding
what these voices are saying, but are there other things we should pay
attention to, to know if it's valuable, if this is a warm connection? RW: One way to think about it is not whether the relationship
is smooth all the time, but whether we feel
that we can be authentic, we can be ourselves in a relationship. And obviously, we won't be the same selves in a work relationship that we might be
with our, you know, beloved sister, you know. But still, can I be myself
in the most essential ways? Can I express myself? And can the other person
express themselves? Because I think that's where -- what we really want is to feel known and to feel seen and not to feel like we are having
to maintain a façade that hides who we are. And so the best relationships are those
where we feel we can be ourselves. WPR: And you talked about how, really,
it's romantic relationships, friendships, acquaintances, I mean, all of these relationships matter. But do you find that one of these is maybe
more significant than the other, or how do you look at them? RW: I look at it in terms
of the secure attachment we think about. Attachment is a word for being warmly,
securely connected. It’s the “Who can you call in the middle
of the night if you’re sick or scared?” So I think of it in those terms, not necessarily the person's role,
defined role in our life, like romantic partner or boss. But it’s the “Does this person
have my back?” And so that's, I think,
the defining element that we want to find
somewhere in our world. WPR: So we have so many
member questions coming in, Bob, and I'm going to kind of go through
a few more of them. So TED Member Nancy wants to know
if you think it’s possible for an endemically unhappy person
at some point in life to obtain happiness. RW: Yes. And thank you
for asking that question. So we have a couple
of life stories in our book, the book contains real stories
of real people. The names are disguised
to protect confidentiality. But some of those stories are of people
who have big turnarounds late in life, people who were isolated and less happy and in their 60s found a whole community. One man found a community at a gym that he never dreamed he would find. And so the message that we get
from studying these thousands of lives is: it is never too late. And so don't assume
that it's too late for you, even if you feel like you've not had
good luck with this in the past. WPR: Well, Bob, we're getting
some questions about you. And I want to turn to you for a second. And I'm curious how running this study
has changed the way you approach life and your own pursuit of happiness. RW: Oh, gosh. Well, one of the things
it's helped me with is the idea that everybody
has struggles in their life. That has been so meaningful to me because I can also look
at the world and say, "Gee, other people seem to have lives that have it all figured out
and perfect lives." It is so helpful to know that there isn't a person on the planet who doesn't have struggles. And it makes me feel less alone
when I can recognize that. And that's one of the reasons why I want
to keep getting these messages out, after having studied thousands of lives. And I think the other thing
that it's changed is my own priorities. So I realize, OK, I can sit here this afternoon
and edit another paper or do more work, or I can see my friend
who I haven't seen in a month. And so I’ve become more active
in taking care of my relationships, and it makes a big difference. So I would say that those
are the two big things for me that directing this study
has changed about my life. WPR: We have a question
from TED Member Nesa. They ask: “As a mother
of two very young children, what advice do you have
for parents to build strong, healthy relationships, now through adulthood?" RW: For parents, it’s really helping your children
to pay attention to how they feel and to learn to use their feelings
with more choice. So learning to love what they love
and hang on to what they love, even if it's not so popular. You know, I had a mother talk to me about how her child really loved
doing improv comedy. And he’s only 12, and his friends don't like that. And so we talked about how do you help
your child feel supported in loving what he loves
and taking an improv class, right? So helping your kids learn
that it's OK to love something that's not the same
as all the other kids in their group and keep loving what they love. And helping kids learn
that it’s OK to be unhappy and that that will pass, that feelings come and go. That it’s OK to disagree. Families can model, parents can model for kids. We can have disagreements. We can work it out and and hold on
to these good relationships even through disagreements. Those are some of the biggest lessons
we can help our children with, about how to use their feelings rather than kind of,
be buffeted by their feelings and ruled by their feelings. WPR: I'm curious just where you see
the study going from here. RW: We are collecting more data,
even as we speak. We are collecting more information
from the children. Almost all the original
participants have passed away, but their children are all
Baby Boomers, on average. And so we're collecting information, including about what life was like
during the pandemic. Also collecting information
about how they use social media, which is something we've all been
talking about a bit here. And I think in terms of the future, we see ourselves as wanting
to make our data available to more and more researchers. So we want to collaborate,
and we do collaborate, with other research groups. We say, come in and use our data and ask new questions
that we don’t even think to ask. Because we have this treasure trove
of information about thousands of lives. And then we're going to make it
publicly available on public websites, because, you know, much of our work has been funded by the federal government, by NIH, with taxpayer money. And so we feel a responsibility
to make this information available to other researchers who want to ask their own
questions about our data. WPR: Well, Bob, you’ve shared
so many great things with us. You know, I feel like
if people were listening and trying to absorb all of it, and at the very end of this conversation you want just one nugget of information,
that if you missed everything, what is the one thing that you want
everyone to walk away from, at the end of this conversation? RW: That if you want to make
one choice today that will make you healthier and happier, it is to pay attention to improving
your connections with other people. That that is such a good investment,
and it will pay off for years to come. [Want to support TED?] [Become a TED Member!] [Learn more at ted.com/membership]
