- We all want to have a
good, stable relationship with somebody. And one of the problems
with early-stage, intense feelings of romantic love is that it's part of the
oldest parts of the brain that become activated. Brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with
obsession, with motivation. And in fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal
cortex, that have evolved much more recently,
begin to shut down- brain regions linked
with decision making, planning ahead, you know, as people who are madly in
love can fall madly in love with somebody who's married, who lives on the other
side of the planet, who comes from
a different religion. And somehow they'll say to
themselves, "We'll work it out. We can work this out." Because of all that energy
of intense romantic love, and also the shutting down
of various brain systems linked with decision-making. So one of the things that I
say to people is, you know, "Before you decide
to marry somebody, spend some, a good deal
of time with them," so that some of that
early-stage, intense feelings of romantic love can
begin to subside. And you can begin to
really see what you've got. As a matter of fact
I'm very optimistic about the future of relationships, because we're spending
so much time now getting to know somebody
before we wed. You know, a great
many people are having these one night stands, and friends with benefits, and living together
before they marry. And there was a recent study, which they asked
a lot of single people who were living together
with somebody: 'Why have they not get married?' And 67% were terrified of divorce, terrified of the not only the legal and the financial
and the economic, but the personal and
social fallout of divorce. And so, I began to realize maybe all of this hooking
up and friends with benefits and living together
is not recklessness, maybe it's caution, maybe singles are trying to learn every single thing they can, about a potential partner
before they tie the knot. And in short, marriage used to be the
beginning of a relationship. Now it's the finale. And I think that
that is very positive. As a matter of fact,
I work with Match.com. I'm their Senior- their Chief Scientific Advisor, and we did a study
of married people, not on the site
Match.com of course, of 1,100 married people. And I had reasoned, 'Well, if there's this
long, pre-commitment stage of getting to know somebody, maybe by the time
you walk down the aisle, you know what you've got, you're happy with what you've got, and you're gonna build a long,
stable really happy marriage. Maybe we're going towards
a time of happier marriages because relationships can
end before you tie the not.' So within this study, I asked
these 1,100 married people a lot of questions, but one of the questions was, 'Would you remarry the person
you're currently married to?' And 81% said 'yes.' And I think that with what I
call 'fast sex, slow love,' with this slow love
process of getting to know somebody very carefully
over a long period of time, it's gonna help the brain readjust some of these brain
regions for decision-making. You're gonna get to know how this person handles
your parents at Christmas or whatever holiday, you know, how they handle your friends, how they handle their money, how they handle an argument, how they handle getting exercise, and their own health
and your health, etc. You learn a lot about the person. I'm very optimistic
about the future because of this
concept of slow love. I'm not really in
the advice business or the 'should' business. I think people should marry
when they feel like marrying. But from what I know
about the brain, if it were me, I'd wait at least two years, because in two years you see the full cycle
of the year twice. You see how they
handle Halloween, how they handle
Christmas or Hanukkah, how they handle,
you know summer fun, and to see that twice
is, I think, important. And by the way, you can sustain that intense
feeling of romantic love for two years. I've studied 5,000
people through Match.com not on the Match.com site, a representative
sample of Americans based on the U.S. Census, and a great many of them say that they've had the experience of sustained feelings of intense
romantic love for somebody for two to five years. So if you pick the right person, and you know how to
sustain some of the joy, I think you can create
a long-term attachment that is full also of
periods of romantic love. We all wanna sustain a
long-term, happy partnership, and psychologists will give you a long list of of smart
ways to sustain it. But I'd like to say
what the brain can add. I studied the brain. And the first thing
that you wanna do, is sustain the three
basic brain systems for mating and reproduction: Sex drive, have sex
with the partner, have sex regularly with the partner. If you don't have time, schedule the time to have
sex with the partner, because when you have
sex with the partner, you're driving up
the testosterone system, so you're gonna
wanna have more sex, but you also have all the cuddling, which is gonna drive
up the oxytocin system and give you feelings of attachment, and having sex with the person, any kind of stimulation
of the genitals drives up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings
of romantic love. So basically having, and of course there could be good jokes about it and relaxation about it- that is good for the body
and the mind. So have sex with the person and sustain that brain
system of the sex drive. To sustain feelings of
intense romantic love, do novel things together. Novelty drives up
the dopamine system and can sustain feelings
of romantic love. And this isn't just in the bedroom- just go to a different
restaurant on Friday night, take your bicycle instead of a car, read to each other in bed, sit together on the couch and have a discussion about something new. Read new books together- novelty, novelty, novelty- sustains feelings of
intense romantic love. You also wanna sustain
feelings of deep attachment and to do that, you have to just stay in touch. Learn to sleep in the person's arm, at least start that way. Cuddle after dinner, walk arm and arm down the
street, hold hands together. Put your foot on top
of his foot or her foot while you're having
dinner, gently of course, but stay in touch, that
drives up the oxytocin system and can give you feelings of
deep attachment to the partner. So you wanna sustain all
three of those brain systems, sex drive, feelings of romantic love, and
feelings of deep attachment. But we've also found out, what's going on in the brain
in long-term, happy partners. We did a study,
a brain-scanning study, of people who were married
an average of 21 years. And those people who were
married an average of 21 years, who were still madly in
love with their partner, showed activity
in three brain regions. A brain region link with empathy, a brain region linked with
controlling your own emotions, and a brain region
linked with what we call 'positive illusions,' the simple ability,
but sometimes hard, to overlook what you
don't like about somebody, and then focus on what you do. So last but not least, we've now known that if you say several nice things to
your partner every day, I would suggest five, but if you can only pull
off two or three, whatever, say nice things to your partner, that actually reduces
their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol, which is the stress hormone, and boosts their immune system, but it also boosts yours. So what the brain says
about a happy, long-term partnership is, overlook what you don't like
and focus on what you do, be happy, express empathy
for the partner, control your own emotions, have sex with the partner,
do novel things together, stay in touch, and say
several nice things every day. Your brain will help you sustain a long-term
deep attachment. We're built to love.
