The Rules of Marriage (Remastered Version)

a lot of things that don't know few things I do know I do know that I am a very lucky man I I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary with my wonderful wife you know 13 years you start feeling like well you know what we might make it cuz after just 2 or 3 years you're only a few shots of tequila away from screwing the whole thing up hey listen another thing I don't like about your mother come back ok you come here but marriage is a strange thing nothing in life prepares you to be married you just kind of have to learn as you go thankfully I have avoided the big mistakes and hopefully have learned from the smaller ones like I remember back when we first got married and my wife would say to me we need to talk I make the mistake of talking and every time I talk I'd get my butt in more and more trouble now I have learned if she says to me we need to talk I do exactly the same thing I do when a police officer walked up to my car window I look straight ahead I'll give short yes and no answers until I find out what I'm being accused of [Applause] well there is no sense in pleading guilty to a crime they don't know about yet somewhere along the line I learned honesty is not always the best policy one night my wife and I were sitting there watching that movie steel magnolias and it gets to the part where Julia Roberts dies and my wife is doing some serious crime I mean tearing up a box of Kleenex that kind of crime that doesn't even make noise just and I'm sitting there looking at her trying to figure out how much is the proper amount of grieving time till I switch over to SportsCenter [Applause] and she looks at me and she goes don't you think this is sad and I thought yeah sad if I was married to Julia Roberts if she died I'd be crying that's the first thing I thought not the first thing I said this she looked at me she said if I died would you ever get remarried no way baby no way after being married to you no other woman could ever come close you ever have that dream that you're taking a test you haven't studied for she said if I die I want you to promise me that you will get remaining you're teasing right no I'm not for the sake of the children please promise me you will get remained okay but just for the sake of the children hey you you don't think the kids are mine having a young stepmom with some big o who teased a I'm better at to test me true thoughts I'm good it goes come on see like I said I had not studied for that particular test early on in our relationship if we'd be in the same room for a half hour and my wife wouldn't say a word to me I would make the mistake of looking at her and going what's wrong hoping that it was something other than me see now I have learned if we're in that same room for 30 minutes and she doesn't say a word to me it's me now I just go up to her and go baby I realized that I have done or said something really stupid and insensitive and while I don't yet know what it is and we'd like the chance to go up in my room and think about it for a little bit [Applause] I'm telling you nothing prepares you to be married that little ring changes your life we were talking about the ring not long ago and I wasn't sure what its signified and a friend of mine says well it's a reminder to you that you're married anybody out there marry need to be reminded you're married anybody getting off work going down to the discotheque oh god I'm married what am I doing here I've heard other people say well that's an indicator to the opposite sex that you're not available anymore let me tell you that matter 13 years of marriage you don't need to see a ring to tell I'm not available I have that hunched over staring at the sidewalk for loose change married man walk what is that a nickel look here's a nickel right there [Applause] because that's one of the things you start thinking about when you're married because your money changes see when you're single you got single money everybody knows about single man is single man is my money by what I want to buy when I want about got my own money got my single money but once you get married you don't have your money anymore you got married money that's where you both take ever since you've ever earned and pour it into the collective marriage pot spend the rest of your life just circling this thing you getting tired baby huh one time he falls asleep you wake up you're like hey where'd all this new furniture come from I thought I'd let you take a little nap Sweet Pea she comes down for breakfast is that a new bass boat in the driveway your morning to sleep in honey boy see then once you have kids it goes up another level you move from married money to family money when my wife first discovered she was pregnant with our first child she started worrying about this little baby growing inside of her well I didn't have any baby growing inside of me I had to worry about something I started worrying about how we gonna pay for all this overnight I became my own father just stalking through the house turning off lights anybody in this room anybody going through this road we're lighting up the neighborhood here people listen I gotta send you five water in here but I'm dropping down to a fifteen if we can't handle the responsibility by the time my second child was born I was just standing on the side of the house staring at the meter going turn off this thing spinning like you people are killing [Applause] singing marriage you just have to learn the rules and rule number one if she ain't happy you ain't happy [Applause] pulling it doesn't make it less true and if she ain't had me long enough you're gonna be unhappy with half your stuff see I learned early on that women are complicated creatures and once I understood that it made everything a lot easier for me but I have found that because women are complicated they like to think men are complicated - I've heard women talking with each other oh I wish I knew what he was really thinking well I'd like to know what he's really thinking well ladies tonight I will tell you what we're really thinking we are really thinking I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something neck I wish it was deeper than that it's not from the age of 15 to the grave that's it not like a beer and I'd like to see something naked you go to a nursing home you see a 19 year old man going down the hall on a walker that's what he's thinking [Applause] [Applause] and I do believe women understand men better than men understand women what do you think think about that and how often do you see a man stomp out of the room crying and a woman going what what I say yeah but if women understand men better it's because they study us you ever seen women's magazines and the articles in them it's always things like how to get a good man how to get rid of a bad man how to turn a bad man into a good man never look at man's magazines is nothing but pictures and naked women that's what we're after right there fellers and she is somebody give me a beer [Applause] and that do believe men would take advice about relationships but we're not gonna read magazine articles about it you've got to give it to us in some form where we'd accept it now sneak it into the play-by-play of ballgames and there's strike three Greg Maddux really looking good today and speaking of looking good fella's from time to time your woman needs to be reminded that she's still looking good to you hey baby have I told you lately you are as pretty as Greg Maddux [Applause]

Channel: Jeff Foxworthy - Topic

Views: 58,447

Rating: 4.880682 out of 5

Keywords: Jeff Foxworthy The Best of Jeff Foxworthy: Double Wide, Single Minded The Rules of Marriage

Id: T7d-E97abmQ

Length: 10min 41sec (641 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 07 2014