The Relationship with the Borderline Explained

are you currently in a relationship with someone who has untreated BPD do you find that you are more codependent in that relationship and then it feels almost impossible to leave even though you feel misunderstood and unheard if you're in the situation you can't miss this video hi there friends glad to be back today and today I want to talk about the combination of the codependent and somebody suffering with BPD when we find ourselves suffering from codependency and we are untreated that codependency as well as we've merged together with another person in our relationship who has BPD and it's also untreated I want to talk about how that relationship unfolds and why we stay in the relationship even though it doesn't seem like anything's really working so let's walk down why we stay in that relationship understanding exactly what we're looking for in that relationship and also looking at the honest truth of how both people will not be able to understand one another because we're actually speaking two different languages okay let's talk about this the first reason why you stay in this relationship is that you feel one day that the other person is going to wake up and see your point of view okay one of the big things about suffering from codependency is it's so important for other people to see where we're coming from and to understand where we're coming from the last thing that we want is to be misunderstood and so we feel that if we stick around if we over explain ourselves if we make our point extra clear that eventually the other person is going to come around and understand from which we are coming from okay so we'll go to a long links and extensive links to get there and usually we come up short so this is the first reason why we stick around the second reason you stay is that you feel that if you give them all the love and all the support that they're gonna realize your value and they're also going to realize that you're different than everybody else okay this is a big misnomer and being a codependent we have a tendency of feeling that if we just give the other person love and support and coddle them and do everything that we can that eventually they're gonna turn around and they're gonna who we are they're gonna see how amazing we are and they're gonna embrace us and all our anger and argumentation is gonna go by the wayside okay and I know that we have that false hope and that's what keeps us around in this relationship but we need to look to the reality and see how much so this is reality and how much of this is the false hope that we're hoping for things to change another reason why the untreated codependent stays in the relationship with a person that's suffering from untreated BPD is that the person suffering with BPD put the codependent on a pedestal and idolize them and gave them a lot of attention attention that the codependent has never gotten before and so what happens when we get a lot of attention and we get doted on we like it it's a good feeling and we want to stay that way and so that's another reason why we find ourselves in this relationship is usually after that idolization has gone away and there's a devaluation stage we hope that we can actually get back to that pedestal stage that idolization and so that's another false hope that we hold out hoping that we can get that admiration back and get that attention that we really really liked another reason why the codependent stays in the relationship is that the codependent believe that the pedestal stage in the beginning of the relationship was real okay you believe it was real you believe that all that attention and admiration was real and it was something that you wanted and something that you hadn't gotten and so that's another part of it too is that in the beginning you believed that that was real and all of a sudden when things begin to change you're hoping to get back to that same stage and you think that if you just do something different or if you're just aware of how you're acting that you can get back there but you're not really realizing the reality of the pedestal stage because you think that the reason why you're off the pedestal is because you did something wrong and that leads us directly to understanding that due to the codependency you actually feel that it's your fault that you aren't on the pedestal anymore and you want back you know that's the thing is that when you get on that pedestal and you have that admiration and that idolization everybody wants that type of attention right and so now you're trying to figure out how to get back on the pedestal what do you need to do what do you need to do to help the other person see your value to put you back on there for that admiration and so you're trying to give whatever you can you've probably walked all over your boundaries or you don't have any boundaries in this relationship anything that they want you're giving them and see what I'm saying you're thinking if I just give them this or if I just do this or if I keep doing this or whatever I do or if I cut these people out of my life maybe they'll see my value and they'll begin to give me the same love that I was given before but I want you to realize being idolized and being put on the pedestal is very different from true love because remember there's a difference there's a difference between being put on that pedestal idolization versus devaluation versus discard now there's people that actually put people on a pedestal forever right I think that that's I guess okay but I think it's also very smothering and I also don't know if that's real love as well okay so we need to really think about that because when I speak about real love in my videos I'm speaking of unconditional love meaning it's not about what you did for me yesterday or what you bought for me it's the love that you have for the other person that extends way beyond that to a soul level okay you understand I'm saying so it's not conditioned love based on the conditions of the things that you did for me another reason why you stay in the relationship is that due to the codependency you need their approval and acceptance of you okay when we're codependent and we ran untreated codependent we don't realize that we're looking outside of ourselves for approval acceptance we want other people to give us acceptance and therefore we feel like we have value okay and it's the opposite of what we should do it's like putting the cart in front of the horse right the horse has to pull the cart it can't be the other way around so we actually have to have self-worth and approval from coming within right and so when we are codependent and we don't understand the codependency and why we do what we do we aren't aware that we're looking toward that person that is suffering from BPD to give us their approval and to give us their acceptance and that's why we seem to always be coming up short in this particular relationship the other reason why you stay in this relay ship is that you want to be understood and you want them to believe you so often times and these types of combinations the codependent and this person suffering from BPD both untreated the codependent is trying to explain themselves when the person that's dealing with BPD is asking them questions whether they believe that the codependent is lying cheating making up something hiding evidence hiding information okay and the codependent is constantly over-explaining I didn't do it this is what really happened and you're over explaining until you're blue in the face okay and what happens here is that the issue is no longer the argument at hand it's usually how you lost your cool in this argument so the argument starts one way right or the explanation or the interrogation and then because you keep explaining yourself and so you're blue in the face you start getting upset irritated stressed out and what happens then you blow up you yell you say something you shouldn't have said and then the other person that's able to call you on that as well okay so then you're trying to explain why you yelled okay and so that's the situation here is that two people are in these conversations and neither one is actually hearing what they want to hear so that's the situation is they go back to old information right information from the past that you've told them about yourself and they use this old information to discredit you okay and when you're being discredited because that's not happening right now it happened in the past you begin to get angry you get resentful and then you lash out and so it's no longer about what they were asking you it's about how you didn't argue correctly and it's about how you are actually being mentally or emotionally abusive right and so the situation is is that instead of walking away and trying to get some air and trying to figure out something you're trying to explain yourself to someone that's not ever going to understand you and probably not ever going to believe you so you're basically in a cycle until you decide that you're no longer going to continue to explain yourself so I'm just gonna lay it down right now okay because I know that in some of my videos people have said that I've been harsh one way or another but this is the truth both people in this relationship the person is suffering with BPD and the person suffering with codependency both of them want to be understood by the other person okay they both want the other person to see their perspective right and they both have a different perspective that's the key so in the end when you really really really think about it it's like two people speaking two different languages right and it's like you're traveling to a foreign country two people are speaking two different languages and both people think that if they talk louder the other person's going to understand them even though neither one is speaking the same language this is the issue okay so we can sit there we can talk about BPD we can talk about codependency but the big issue is that neither one understands one another okay until both actually get treatment and work upon themselves neither one can understand from which the perspective the other one comes from and that's key and so when you're trying to explain yourself to the other person and the other person doesn't understand you they're not going to no matter what information you give you no matter what understanding you give them no matter what you tell them they're still going to be disbelief in what you're saying okay and that's why you feel like it's a vicious cycle because it is and so now is the time if you found yourself in this relationship whether or not you're suffering with BPD or whether or not you're suffering with codependency you've got to release that back and ask yourself why am I in this relationship because I think it boils down to the fact that you're in this relationship because you're looking outside for confirmation of who you are and you're stuck in a loop because this person is not going to confirm your value because they can't even confirm their own value okay so both people are lost looking for the other person and to make them stronger and neither of that can happen so I'll be doing some new video so you're on the codependent and the person suffering with BPD as well and how these interactions just don't work okay we have to work on ourselves and if we're looking for someone else to build us up and to tell us how great we are and to affirm us we're missing the boat okay and that's what we need to think about is that when we're in this relationship and we're trying our best to hold this together it's not based on a healthy on a healthy basis or a healthy perspective it's based on two people looking for validation outside of themselves and they can't get it because both people can't validate themselves I can't validate you when I can't validate myself okay so I want you to think about that if you found yourself in these types of relationships this is what I work with day after day with my clients to really help them to see the reality the situation like I was saying it's like going abroad and trying to talk to somebody that speaks a different language and you just keep getting louder and louder and repeating yourself thinking that person's going to understand you and they have no idea what you're trying to say I hope this video has helped you if you haven't already please subscribe to my channel and also give us a like on this video if this video has given some light and shed some light into your current situation and don't forget to live your true life you

Channel: Ashley Berges

Views: 77,623

Keywords: codependent, codependency, borderline personality disorder, BPD, Cluster B, dependent personality disorder, Ashley Berges, relationships, toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, marriage, toxic marriage

Id: u5Fe1ea9BNs

Length: 12min 42sec (762 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 12 2019