The Reason You're Alone

friends make life good they provide the scaffolding that makes it not just bearable but fun they give us a sense of meaning and purpose and are a source of security self-esteem and happiness almost nothing predicts how happy you will be as how connected you feel and a lack of social connection is associated with a number of diseases and a shorter life but maybe you have scrolled through your phone unsure who to call to go to a movie with to celebrate with or ask for comfort you may realize that you don't have enough friends and feel lonely and it's not just you disconnectedness and loneliness are widespread many people want more close friends but don't know how to get them surprisingly nowadays loneliness is highest among young people whose relationships were also hit especially hard by the global pandemic social distancing stopped teens and young adults from mingling in classrooms clubs or dorms millions of friendships may be lifelong friendships that might have blossomed will never exist with profound long-term consequences for our Collective happiness the good news is that it's not too late and there are lots of friends to be found we'll mix scientific information with actionable advice in this video but we can't address every individual situation people cultures and schedules are different if you suffer from chronic loneliness you can also watch the video we made about it okay as with all important things in life making friends is infuriatingly simple but not necessarily easy but it works through a few pretty straightforward mechanisms the most important thing about making friends people make friends with other people when they spend casual time together this is how our ancestors formed their relationships because humans lived in small close-nit communities in which options for making friends were limited so we just formed good relationships with the people who were around us this is why it's so easy to form new friendships in school and University Society locks you and your peers in a building for several years you share similar activities but more importantly similar schedules overlapping and fluctuating Social Circles form naturally giving you regular FaceTime and shared experiences with many different people time to find others with similar World Views or senses of humor proximity can be more important than similar interests one study found that in student dormitories the distance between rooms was the strongest fr ship predictor living closer together meant a higher chance of becoming friends another study showed that being physically present in a class A Lot without saying a word makes others more sympathetic to you so the most important principle of making friends is to regularly spend time with people in the real world this alone can make it happen automatically and trumps all other advice but don't forget that making friends is not a numbers game or a competition don't compare yourself to others everyone has a social calibrator that can change as you go through life maybe you were more introverted as a teen but yearn for Connection in your 20s maybe you were part of sprawling Social Circles but prefer fewer friends in your 30s there is no right or wrong only right for you why we don't have enough friends the main reason for a lack of friendships is the simple fact that most people don't prioritize friendships nearly enough they don't realize until it's too late that retaining friend ships demands regular energy and attention although they are so important for happiness friends often take a backseat to other life decisions work commuting romance or kids take up so much time and energy that it's so much easier to crash on your couch and lose yourself in mindless activities especially as an adult going for a bike ride getting dinner or visiting a hobby store takes much more mental effort and commitment that it did after school when time ran slower and energy and curiosity were abundant but it's not just adults who are too busy for friends the average American Teenager spends more time on Tik Tok every day than socializing at parties events or on the phone with friends combined established friendships don't require the same time investment as early friendships to keep up but they do require some commitment as life distracts you it's easy to skip out on checking in when a friend goes through exciting or depressing times and so many friendships fade for lack of attention Often by accident which is extra tragic because there is never only one person losing a friend it's always at least two another thing that makes many people vulnerable is the way friendship networks are structured the Friendship Paradox is the phenomenon that on average most people have fewer friends than their friends which makes sense since you're more likely to be friends with someone who has many friends than with someone who has few rather than being densely interconnected friend networks are often built around central hubs so if central people disappear from your life this can deprive you of many connections at once and it can lead to a distorted self- perception that you are less popular than others although you are perfectly average it can get worse quickly with big life Events maybe you move for school work or love and are left without social networks or you had a breakup that left you with the smaller part of the formerly shared social pie the reasons why you find yourself with less connection than you want are as diver versus people but the underlying cause is almost always time there is no shortcut to make new friends and retain friendships you have to prioritize relationships spend time with people in real life and make them feel that you care so take a look at yourself and rebalance what you spend your life doing how to make new friends Studies have shown that new friendships can develop quite quickly weeks after you meet someone but it takes a few months for a casual friendship to become a close relationship with the biggest impediment being time invested and the quality of your interactions to make friends it helps if you intentionally look for people you have things in common with and who are open to new relationships you want to make it easy for yourself so examine what kind of person you are generally speaking extroverts tend to Crave sensory stimulation spicier Foods loud music or the excitement of engaging a crowd introverts often confused with shy people tend to be more sensitive to sensory stimulants and prefer quieter surroundings fewer people and even less spicy food different places attract different people not everybody can easily make friends at a bar or a football game not everybody finds a stroll through a park or a bookstore stimulating men especially form friendships around shared activities but in general it's a good idea to go to places that feel comfortable where there are people you might like who do things you find interesting look for local clubs or opportunities to volunteer check out what hobby stores are around and dust off your Space Marines or see if there are new D and D groups in your city and ask if you could join one check Meetup apps for gaming nights or wine tasting join a sports club or look for people who go hiking or want to cook together another obvious Avenue is your professional life it helps if you work in a job that attracts people like you so you might consider this when you choose a career deepening your relationship with colleagues can lead to Great friendships especially if you look for peers and there is is no power IM balance and of course there are friends you've lost touch with you may be able to revive some of these relationships in some cases all it needs is a call or an invitation research shows that more often than not the other person will appreciate that you've reached out there are likely way more opportunities to spend time with others than you are aware of and if there aren't you can take the initiative and create them invitations are signals to start friendships so bring people together by having a dinner party organizing a football game after work or starting a board game group everybody appreciates people who organize fun things and the simple Act of reaching out can Kickstart a self-propelling upward spiral of well-being fun and connectedness that can seriously improve the life of everyone around you in meaningful ways if you meet someone you Vibe with it's pretty scary to make the first move but they may feel the same way equally interested in a friendship but also blocked by fear of rejection so it's wor worth going for it worst case they're not interested which will sting for a few hours but the best case could be a lifelong friendship a risk well worth the reward once you've formed early connections check in whether they have important things happening in their life of course it's important not to be overbearing but the more time you invest the more opportunity you have to engage in meaningful banter or silly jokes the fact that friendships take time also means that you need to be patient and kind with yourself especially if you're out of practice practice things will not improve overnight but slowly step by step if you keep up open up Care and Share many people don't have an issue being around others but struggle to turn acquaintances into friends so let's talk about two important principles that make it more likely that you'll connect caring and sharing in general our favorite topic is ourselves and the things we care about because we are literally at the center of our own universe so people tend to like people who are genuinely interested in them so if you want to make friends your goal should be trying to learn what makes them tick just as important as caring about others is reciprocity and openness to connect you need to share the experiences that made you you now you don't want to overwhelm the other person and immediately spill out your deepest Secrets but open up a little and reveal personal things because this also signals to others that it's okay to do the same the best case is that you find shared experiences maybe you both had a hard time in school maybe you share a passion for weird movies learning about others and sharing personal stories in a balanced way and not overdoing it is not an exact science noticing the line between opening up and oversharing requires practice and depends on the vibe of the conversation one of the perplexities of life is that to get something it can be helpful to convince yourself that you want it less than you do in general it's good to be laidback have fun and enjoy yourself do things for yourself without expectations but also be open to social opportunities and accept invitations if they show up and that's basically it give friendships more priority in your life check in with friends and regularly go to things to have fun show genuine interest in others and give them the opportunity to know you without selling yourself too heart if you do this you're on track if this sounds a bit scary the good news is that human brains are hardwired to seek connection It's Perfectly Normal to seek out new friends and there are many people who would welcome more close relationships there are friendships up for grabs everywhere and there are plenty of people who will be so happy to have you in their life as a good friend go get to know them we want to be part of your friendship Journey so we've created a few things you can share with new and old friends two Wormhole pins to connect you and your BFF no matter where you are if you want to share something with your entire friend group get a little bird pin for each of them they're all unique but fit together like pieces of a puzzle or get matching posters to let your friends know you're thinking of them or just browse all the sciency things we made for you if you like videos like this getting something from our shop is the 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Channel: Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell

Views: 6,580,343

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Id: I9hJ_Rux9y0

Length: 12min 9sec (729 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 06 2022