The Power of Re-Thinking Happiness | Kristi Ling | TEDxCulverCity

last year I was with my mom talking about my younger brother Scott and she shared with me a story that I'll never forget when he was around 11 she bought him a nice new pair of jeans for school she figured that was a good investment since he was finally outgrowing that stage little boys go through where they come home looking like they've been rolling in a landfill so the first day that he wore the jeans he came home with the fronts covered in grass stains she was so frustrated he walked through the door and she's like really so when she asked him why his brand-new expensive jeans were covered in grass stains he just looked at her and said mom but I'll come home with grass stains it means it wasn't a good day yeah he was on to something right going after joy with all you've got with full force and making it happen every single day it's one of the true elements of creating lasting happiness so going after those grass stains is essentially what I want to share about today I believe there's mass confusion going on as to what happiness actually is and rethinking it and getting crystal-clear about it can be life-changing it was for me but for me figuring out the truth about what happiness really is pretty much all start I've been learning what happiness is not usually the hard way involving credit card debt and too much wine but that's another story so here's what happiness isn't despite what you may have heard happiness is not a choice you can't just kick back and say I choose happiness and then have it happen but would that be great though in life if we could just choose things and have them happen automatically I can think of a couple things I'd start with on that no it's not a choice but it does begin with a choice and once you've made that choice like any choice in life it has to be backed up with action to make it a reality you may have also heard that happiness is something you find and you hear people all the time say things like I'm so glad she's found happiness and happy people they don't find happiness like you'd find a penny on the ground they make it happen with action they consciously and deliberately created they're not lucky they're just dedicated so what is happiness exactly even the dictionary is a little confusing on this you look at the definition for a happiness and it says a state of well-being and contentment a pleasurable and satisfying experience and you're like I kind of got that part yeah but what else how do I get there I'll give you the short version of the story of how I came to know the truth about what happiness actually is and how to get there 13 years ago I hit a wall in my life and I didn't know much about myself then but one thing I did know was that I had never been truly happy for any extended period I'd had happy times but I'd suffered with depression on and off and what was worse to me was I just had this overall sense of mediocrity in my everyday life I was barking up every wrong tree looking for happiness there was the tree of shopping for too much stuff the tree of trying to please everyone the tree of junk food the tree of overachievement and other people's approval I still get caught up in that one every now and then I admit the tree of partying too much anybody familiar with any of those trees yeah so one morning I woke up in a cold sweat I was shaking my heart was pounding and this had never happened to me before I was like what is going on my pillow was soaked i sat up and I knew in that moment my body was screaming at me what my mind known for a while and that's that I could not continue on the way that I had been or I'd be facing some serious consequences I had to find a way to do something different and I also knew that I was going to have to do something drastic so I quit my stressful corporate job and I set out on what would turn out to be a decade-long mission to decode happiness I studied everything I could get my hands on that related to happiness I read books and scientific studies I went to seminars I weeded out a lot of BS and I worked hard on changing my mindsets and my level of happiness greatly increased and my life improved it was wonderful but I knew there was still something deeper to be uncovered and I couldn't quite put my finger on it so then in 2008 something happened that was both amazingly wonderful and absolutely a horrible at the same time out of nowhere I became sick with a condition called adhesive capsulitis which basically caused me to lose the use of my left shoulder arm in hand for over a year it was really painful all I could do was just lay on the couch and try and get through the day but what I did do was decide to use that time as a gift to finally but my happiness at the top of my priority list and to finally find that missing link that I've been looking for and so I fully dedicated myself each day for over a year to focusing very intently on happiness from the moment I woke up until well into the day I eliminated some old negative draining habits and trees and I worked really really hard at it and when my illness subsided after about 14 months something huge had happened something inside me had changed at my core I was a different person I was happy I had that overall state of well-being in contentment that the dictionary talks about and it was coming to be naturally and organically the way that I was seeing the world and experiencing my every diet everyday life had changed and I was like what did I do to get here I had to figure it out so I could share it with people so I took a step back and I carefully examined everything that I had done over that last couple of years to try and pinpoint exactly how and where this transformation took place and in my digging I came across a quote from the Greek philosopher Aristotle that gave me the answers and the clarity that I was looking for happiness is a state of activity a state of activity so this is not just something that we hope for or think about or try and find it's something that we do that we have to actively take part in creating every single day it's a skill a multi-faceted skill that with practice and dedication we can learn and become good at in the same way we would learn to play a musical instrument or learn a new language and there's science behind this there's this amazing thing called neuroplasticity which in part is your brain's ability to rewire itself based on changes in behavior patterns so basically our brain is our best friend here do something long enough and you'll retrain your brain to support you in the changes you want to make in your life just like I'd done when I was sick so when we rethink happiness and we begin to approach it as a skill that we can learn and become good at that's when everything change so where exactly do we start when it comes to learning this skill of happiness well it's different for everyone but I'll share with you three things that really work for me that I think are great places for anyone to start so first is change your morning's the way we're living our mornings is setting the stage for our entire day and life so this is also a bite-size place to start - that doesn't feel overwhelming just make those first couple of hours of the day positive and supportive do healthy things for your body and spirit and breathe a little bit skip that snooze button and just make them great use your morning's to create the foundation for the kind of life that you want to be living second be always seeking so in the same way a bee buzzes around looking for pollen from flowers the happiest people resourcefully seek beauty joy adventure wonder and powerful meaning in all areas of life they drink it in third participate so I've received an email a while back from an old friend of mine that really wrenched my heart and he shared with me that over the past 10 years he had gained over a hundred pounds and not from fast food or too much sugar or any medical issues but from not participating in life not participating he felt like he'd lost all his passion but what he didn't realize was that he already had the answer we must participate in our own happiness and take responsibility for it so I got him on the phone and I shared with him quite a few of the things I'm sharing with you today and he made some big changes you remember how when he was younger he loved being active so now he's taking Taekwondo and loving it he's happier at work taking better care of himself and all of this from a change in perspective to being willing to more mindfully participate so earlier I mentioned that happiness begins with a choice not a choice but begins with a choice once we've made that choice there are some important things that we need to keep in mind we must stop looking for happiness and instead start actively creating it happiness is not something you find it's something you do and a skill that you can practice and become good at and finally happiness is your true nature it really is we're born with this skill it just gets trained out of so many of us by the time we're in middle school and we need to relearn so by the way the story about the grass stains my mom told me that story when we were in the hospital waiting room waiting for my brother to come out of surgery after a ski accident and thankfully he was okay but I really had time that day to think about how as little kids doing happiness is a top priority and then somewhere along the way it just falls down the list or even off the list for some of us like it did for me so be willing to start on a new journey to happiness with a blank slate the same way you'd approach learning to play a musical instrument learn what works for you and bring those things into your life on a regular basis with passion and drive and determination go after those grass stains thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 33,034

Rating: 4.7525773 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Happiness, Life Hack

Id: ZO75lel4Zas

Length: 13min 39sec (819 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 27 2015