The Oprah Winfrey Show (March 12, 1992)

poop is smelly because as they grow older it smells worse you know you've never dreamed that they would grow up and never have time to call or even visit you we're talking today to mothers who say their adult children never call they never write or never visit sometimes for years at a time your name juana is that what's happened to you so tell me what happened well i haven't seen my son in three years why well i think maybe it might go back from a long time i was a single parent i raised my son you know by myself we had a lot of hard times we had good times there were rough times but um through tickets and we made it and it was a lot of love there you know we were there for each other a lot but you know i feel like there might be things that he may hold inside him that he hasn't let go of as he's grown up and i feel like i raised him mature adult man he was a good boy and um but why haven't you seen him in three years he's so mature he's so adult i moved away my father died about five years ago went on six years ago and i i felt a need to move and leave tampa florida where i'm from and he didn't want to pull up and leave roots home home base so i understood that and he's a you know a good boy doesn't do drugs or smoke cigarettes or anything so i felt like i had to trust him cut the umbilical cord and let him you know if i can't trust the son that i raised and i i did fail but so has he not communicated with you in three years well that's what i think that the problem is i call him he'll talk to me on the phone whenever i catch him at home but i can leave a message with his roommate to well have him give me a call on his birthday august the 12th i've always liked to be able to when he was a baby i'd sing happy birthday to him at 8 14 because he was born saturday august the 12th at 8 14 1972. and i've always liked to be able to try to have that that minute with him so at 8 14 even this past year august 12th i tried to you know say happy birthday to him but he wasn't there so i left a message we'll write this down it's his mom august the 12th why doesn't he call you back he just never does and then you know i i try to when i do get him on the phone i try to dig it out of him you know it hurts me you don't never call me back and well i'm just busy you know and i just and i feel like you know like we need to break through the ice and find out what's wrong that you know i know there must be really you know things that you don't think you're just a possessive mother who's demanding more of your son then i'm emotional i'm a real emotional person i think that he should be aware of that too that that he would be more sensitive to me i agree with you i feel that he holds in her angry i anger because of the way he was raised because i moved away maybe because sometimes i might have been what you call you know i would would whip him up until he was like 10 years old give him spank and then i got into the thing of that i was maybe i was abusive because i was abused child also so i i felt like no i don't want to do this i don't want to be an abusive parent so i even you know got to where i stopped well that's what we're talking about today mothers who are upset because their children don't call they don't communicate but you haven't seen your son in three years we have him here come on out please were you mad what's the matter why haven't you called in three years i wasn't mad it was just every time we talked she just wanted to say she was sorry you know and i just wanted to put it behind me i didn't really want to so she likes to dwell in the past do you think i think it's just every time we talk she wants to to cry and i don't want to hear her cry you know i i only hear from her so often and every time i do hear from her she's crying she's upset out there about what just that i don't call or i don't write or you know and then she's always sorry about you know the way we had you know when we were when i was younger are you holding grudges not really it's i just don't want you know probably golly i know i don't know it's just you don't like dwelling in the past yeah exactly i just want to get on with it when she took calls i like to hear what she's doing now how she's getting along instead of what happened 10 years ago right you tend to dwell in the past i mean i feel guilty about things and afraid he hasn't you know forgiven me you know he's tired of hearing about that is am i speaking correctly for you you you would like to move on and live in the present it's a new year a new time right you have your son thank you very much yeah let's get a chair for you hold on thanks cat thanks here's a chair for you okay you can sit next to your mom the whole show have a seat there very good now i want you to meet three women who say that they are mothers um in name only because they say just like we've just heard that they hardly ever see or hear from their adult children of course if you ask their children you'd get a completely different story ellen says her son paul only lives 10 minutes away but uh he may as well live in alaska she says for as often as he visits joan admits that she uh brow beats bribes and even begs her son michael to visit her more it doesn't help she saw him only once in 1991 and rebecca says that calling her daughter don is like trying to get in touch with the president don admits that she doesn't help by screening all unwanted calls including her own mothers is that true yeah really because every time we talk even if it starts out to be a good conversation it always turns into her uh insulting my father comparing me to him it turns bad we end up yelling and i'd say more than half the calls i end up hanging up on her at the end of it really so how old are you 19 19. and so what you have an answering service so that you no i don't have an answering service it's just that well recently i told her i was going to show up the day after christmas and i did and this is my fault i told her i was going to show up she lives in illinois and i live in dc and i was going to drive right but i didn't i didn't show up she had her brother come my uncle from ohio and everything she had all the family there and i just didn't show up and i didn't call why because i didn't want to but i didn't want to call and tell her that because then we'd just get in this enormous fight okay okay i don't have an answering service no it's just that recently when the phone rings i bolt to the bathroom and have i mean my dad won't lie for me he won't if i if he answers the phone and i say i don't want to talk to her he says well that's tough get on the phone and tell her you don't want to talk to her but i'll go to the bathroom and scream from the bathroom dad i can't get the phone i'm in the bathroom so he'll tell her that that you're in the bathroom and he won't lie so you run to the bathroom right so that it's not a lie right i understand that i remember once i was a little girl the insurance man came to the door and i told him my mother told me to say that she wasn't home so i said my mother says she's not at home [Laughter] so you don't want to talk to your mother not as often as she does because it doesn't turn out i mean we got in an enormous fight on the phone three days ago about about visiting her for christmas yeah wait a minute don't you think you should have called really oh yeah i do yeah but i mean i she says i get things from my father she's not willing to say that i get them from myself she compares me to him all the time and she says that i get the um tendency to avoid problems she says i get that from my dad she can't do you compare to her to her dad a lot i i have in the past and i did most recently because because of this situation you know i was really concerned about dawn thinking she was going to be driving and and uh all the way from d.c and so you were i didn't hear from her i was not only worried but then i called and she was in the bathroom at this time her boyfriend answered and of course i knew they weren't on their way he was to come with her and they didn't show up so i said ask her to call me kept my temper and she got one um no she didn't call back so i didn't know so you don't call back because you just want to avoid any kind when we have nice conversations they're fine and they're nice and short but she likes to talk on the phone for an hour and a half or so and i just sit there and i do have things to do i mean when you're 19 years old you go out and you do things and you i miss her and i love her but i don't you're not busier than i am next paul is going to tell us the top three lines his neglected mother leaves on his answering machine should probably hurt yourself back in a moment [Music] oh we're talking to mothers who are upset because their children don't call and paul the most guilt she's great at guilt i mean she's wonderful at it if she does not receive a phone call from me every other day and it has to be every other day on the third day i get a telephone message on my machine what'd you do forget my phone number that's her favorite thing to leave oh yeah what'd you do forget my number yeah second one is i bet i bet you i know something wrong with your fingers yes yeah and then and then the notorious i just called to see if you were dead or alive since i haven't heard that's the truth yeah so but i mean i love her dearly but i don't know why i have to talk to her every other day i mean she's i mean she knows i'm okay if something was wrong i'd give her a call i mean if there's i mean i don't know if nothing happens in two days yeah when am i gonna call and say or if she's not home she wants me to leave a message on her answering machine ellen you feel neglected by him i worry about him he never calls i have to trace him down and if i get really desperate i have to call him at work and then get hung up on for bothering him at work calls a lot at work well i'm a bartender at night so when it's busy you're like you're going and you don't have time to say excuse me my and you know what it's like for someone to say that you're working with paul your mom's on the phone i mean i work in a bar i have people this new year he didn't even call me to wish me a happy new year not on new year's eve i didn't care all day new year's day next day i still didn't get a call i'm scared he works in the world he lives in the worst neighborhood people have been murdered where he lives two years ago two years yesterday it could have been yesterday but i don't hear from him now what are you gonna do you think he's murdered well i don't know if he ever really ellen when you don't hear from him in two days you you automatically think he's murdered not necessarily but why haven't i heard from you it goes on more than two days sometimes a week sometimes two weeks but and then i have to start tracing him down i'm not being an overly possessive mother i swear to god but i have to paul please call i'll leave ten messages on the machine no answer okay and when he does call what do you want him to call you're calling him so that you can say what well i sometimes it's a business call sometimes something personal you're calling him about business what she means is she co-signed on my car loan okay and my car insurance is through her so what happens is she has to come over to pick up the car payment because make sure it's been made and make sure that the car come over and pick up the car insurance make sure it's been made so she's just that's her way okay i think we have a like a little overprotective problem here because every two days you look like you're an adult like are you in your 20s or so i don't think it's necessary for him to talk every two days i don't care what neighborhood he lives in and why is she making his car payment like isn't he responsible enough to drop it in the mail or whatever that's what we want to know yes has there been a time when you didn't make the payment okay okay wait a minute wait a minute okay my car it's a five-year note okay i'm down to my last few months good so i think that a good old feeling once i make that last payment what is she gonna do because she won't be able to see me that way but see i call him all the time and i'll say i don't want you just for the money please i you know i want to know how you are i want to know the good things but he'll call me six o'clock in the morning and say ma my friend's dying okay but tell me some of the good things call me six o'clock in the morning tell me you're having a good time uh-huh but she wants a phone call and she wants to know what's going on so if that's what's on my mind at six o'clock in the morning then she should be happy that she's getting a phone call from me okay so this is really about control here isn't it no not really no she no she wants to control no and is this about control rebecca and don is this about i don't think so i mean uh but i would think now you probably don't trust her is that true if someone says they're gonna show up for christmas dinner and they don't show up for christmas dinner there's a trust thing going there isn't there i have a problem with people who lie to me i mean i kind of who doesn't i tend to carry grudges i mean they're deep down i feel so are you resisting the lack of trust okay now yes are you now resentful because because of that well aren't you angry with her yes yes yes i am but what do you mean we had a big thing planned for christmas and and for her not to show and not to call i was worried sick i was i wasn't humiliated i was embarrassed i was angry i'm you know the reason why the daughter doesn't want to talk to the mother that often is because every time she talks to her mother she's always telling you just like your father you just like your father and you know she don't want to hear that she don't want to hear that and give give off [Applause] you say you worked very hard on it but then you just said that you just didn't lying wait a minute you said you just did it i just did it right but i hadn't done it for a very long time i was honest i was very lonely to find out what made joan angry about a christmas package she received from her son michael back [Music] does your husband like the way you dress i despise the outfit look at the shoes she can buy anything she wants this is what she comes home with you thinking my bell will rings when i'm outside right now husbands are going to dress their wives in what they think is sexy i would like to have her dress conservatively that's not me richard knows better that's what richard wants me to win that's what the show is about right i'm the next doe brother [Music] so this is what we're doing today talking to mothers who feel neglected about uh because their adult children never call or visit and michael are your mother feels neglected too yeah she feels real neglected of me does she have a reason to feel neglected i don't think so personally i mean i live seven hours drive away she lives in sacramento i live in huntington beach california and so i can't visit her obviously ever all the time and i work full-time so the only time i get off i try to make it up there but it's almost impossible but for the distance i have to travel and for the time i can spend there it's almost a waste of time to go for a four hour for four day visit it takes me one day to get there one day to get back and to spend a day and a half there just really doesn't make sense for me so when's the last time you did visit michael i believe i believe visit her visit her yeah it was i believe christmas of last year january january of last year okay january of last year for christmas but i've just she came she came down from my wedding and my uncle's wedding so it wasn't like i haven't seen her for any time i got married six and a half months ago she came down for that my uncle got married four months ago she was down for that so i see her it's not like we never see each other what's your petite what is your what are you really concerned about here joe it's a lot of it is his attitude his attitude because i'll call i mean it's it's uh for a real long time i knew i know he's not a phone person and i tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and i would call and i'd go hi michael it's mom and he'd go yeah and i'd go what's the matter i just got up i worked second shift she calls and if she calls in the afternoon i sleep till 10 11 because i'm i work all night when i get up she calls she happens to call most of the time that i sleep in so of course i'm going to be just waking up when she calls me okay but a lot of times you're on the link yeah and okay i go golfing on my spare time okay or you're playing baseball well i'm athletic so i have my things i do when i my free time i do my thing okay i'm trying to figure out what it is the mothers want well what i would [Music] what i would like is uh i would like to hear from him once a month i don't care he can call me once a month and i will call him once a month if she was here once a month that's fine but if she's calling me that once a month it doesn't matter who's dialing the number if i'm talking to her i don't avoid her i don't say i don't want to talk to this person you're not in the bathroom no yeah i did if i'm if i'm up or if i'm not you're shaking your hands once a month once a month i mean if something comes up well compared to two every two days yeah well i don't care if he calls me once a month but when i do call him he sounds like it's an intrusion instead of saying hi mom how are you okay now he has just explained to all of us why he sounds that way all all the time six years i mean you know since he's gone i can't i can't get one to me it does it does explain it if you wake somebody up and they work him up all the time you don't wake up anytime she doesn't wake me up i don't have that attitude it's not like every time i caught she i'm on the phone i have an attitude that i just don't want to talk that's how it is i caught when she speaks you speak in one sentence i am not a phone person i speak like that to my best friends on the phone i speak that my wife on the phone i'm just not a phone person when i get a phone call it's tell me what you have to say and i'll tell you what i have to say and then we'll get out the phone in person we have in person we have a good conversation right so john what what do you want what do you really want well i'd like uh him to pick up the phone once a month and not always does it matter back to michael's point does it matter who picks up the phone as long as you speak no i think no i will well there's certain times that you know like okay we just my husband and i just got back from vacation and i had called from dallas fort worth my home yeah because i was changing flight and my uh son said we got a message on the machine from michael he's going to be a dad i was so excited as soon as i found out i was gonna be father i called her right so i do call okay okay so okay so i called from i was so excited that from dallas fort worth i called his home and my nephew answered the phone yes and uh either he didn't give you the message or he gave you the message but he you never called back i had a recall the next day you never got the message i don't you're relying on a relative who was who has his things to do so when it's time to you know give a message to me i'm sure he has other things on his mind you can't rely on one person i have an answer machine if he if he answers the phone you could have just called back and left it on a machine i would have gotten okay so are these mothers neglected truly do you think they're neglected you don't what are you yeah no no no no i don't think they are i think they are a little too pushy because they are all young so sorry okay they are young people up there and they got a life of their own you know i mean they at least they think of you though they see you it takes two minutes to call once a month and say how you want you four months ago and i mean you talked to him the guy is working he wants some free time for himself he got a new wife he got a new baby give him a break that's what you said neglected are they neglected who says they are neglected you say are they neglected i'm getting to you in a minute yeah i have three children that are in their young early 20s and i think it's just part of that time of life for them because they're so wrapped up with their careers and what they're going to do and i think it's up to the mother to encourage this and hurts their own life now there's a mother well the question we're gonna ask we'll discuss it was coming are they neglected or are they asking too much from their children we'll be back we'll be back in a moment [Music] okay so you were saying what what you said i don't think i don't think as much as i think the the mothers want some back what they're giving the children you know it's not that we feel neglected we just want you know want you to share with us because you gave birth to us we owe you until we're dead now i think that i think that what my street mother here is saying is and i have compassion for all the parents up there only because i think that as we were saying earlier before the break that i am blessed to have had a mom who's nurtured me who kept me who's listened to me who's been there for me to make me what i am and who i am in my life and i thank god for that and for her and i have a lot of compassion for all of the the moms up there but but yeah but at the same time i mean it's it's a give-and-take situation you have no call you don't call as much as she wants you to call is that true exactly i do i do not call her as much as she lies to me during the break you said that just because you don't call doesn't mean you don't love it exactly because you know love is an expression and love is something that you show and if you can't always show it you know again you know i have to work every day i'm not trying to use that as an excuse but my mother raised me to be an independent adult and that's what i'm saying don't you think that sometimes the parents use the phone call as an expression of love is that not what you all are doing you think that means that the person love does or when she when this young lady spoke on the end my mother said right away well she could at least call you know and i mean i understand that but i call her i sing to her on the telephone dinner break did you hear what you see look at all the telephone i mean and and she'll she'll be like you know okay what what do you want you know and i'll be like you know i'm doing this because i took a minute out of my day to let you know i love you or i want to share in your day it's little things so what's the problem so what's the problem then i don't have a pr you know i was having an oprah winfrey show but she has my mother has four my mother has four males four men four boys that are not in jail that have not been in and no no really i mean look at the reality they're not in jail they've been in college they they're working they're independent i know one thing there's a lot of people out here that wish that they could say that their children were not caught up in the system and i think that's a blessing right there a matter of the phone call she will come over she'll be over my house spend a couple hours in the afternoon then go home for that 12 minute ride that she lives because she's timed it she knows she lives 12 minutes away from me she will get home and call me what are you doing the same thing i was doing 15 minutes ago before she left you know not uh a lot of people's problem i i live um like you said seven eight hours away from him and i don't think that communicating once a month is trying to run away it's just i don't call i'm the one that's not down on the phone there's not a difference of communicate we're not having problem communicating you're having a problem with me making the phone call once in a while okay joan let's get this straight is that the issue he doesn't pick up the phone what yes once in a while i would like to do if there's something important to talk about or just a child or an instant in my life that i consider important i do call it's not like i know and why do you want once in a while for him to pick up the phone because he's talking like you're talking like you know that that you have all these wonderful things happening in your life and you're calling me every month you might have called me in six years maybe six times seven times maybe six years you call me it's like okay you call me and so after i talk and when you call him joan he talks to you right he's about to mike he has an attitude you see it's the attitude is you know it's you have to listen with the the attitude some of the mothers just can't wait for the kids to call them because when she does wouldn't it be more special for us to go ahead and she does leave me alone for a while i really start to want to talk to her and miss her and then when i call her those are the best conversations we ever have uh-huh why can't they do that she called me when i i call her you know she's on her way out i understand that you know she's got things to do so do i and i say okay when you're going to call me back she says sunday five o'clock your time i'm sitting there waiting i mean this happens repeatedly before it's a sunday night gm phone call don't worry no yeah we all don't we agree audience that she should have called if she was not coming for christmas because and the reason we say this don we think you owe your money don't we we think we think you owe her an apology for that because if you were going to apologize if you were going to a stranger's house you would call even a stranger you call and say i'm sorry i'm not gonna make it did you apologize yes i did on the phone i told her though yeah to find out what happened i mean and she apologized uh she said no actually she said we're taking down the christmas tree decorations i can't talk that's the first thing she said okay we're taking down the christmas tree decorations okay when did the apology coming down i mean no because let's get to the apology when did you officially apologize on the phone what's today three days ago yeah on the phone yeah i said i'm sorry i know i messed up and i said that and you know i said that yeah but how long did it take you and i had to initiate the phone call i mean mom even if i called you every other day it's not good enough you know she owns three how do you know you haven't tried it she owns three houses okay right around the university of illinois and rents out two of them and lives in one okay and when i was getting ready to go to school she tried to bribe me by trying to give me one of those rental houses just to come out to illinois and go to school there that's ridiculous and so okay so everybody wants to know what's wrong with a free house but when you go to college you're supposed to be learning how to do things by yourself okay not 10 minutes away from your mother who calls you every day so did you pay for your own housing my dad paid for it okay what'd you want to say well i wasn't going to address this situation it's really getting juicy over here but i was going to address these people right here my mother and my brother seem to have a very similar situation to you all situation calling up and my mother solved her problem by this she went to her sewing box she got a big pair of scissors and she cut those apron strings and i think that's what you need to do we'll be right back is lame guilt an effective means of getting your child a visit we'll be back we'll be back in a moment very good [Music] [Applause] [Music] what were you guys gonna say um obviously you're divorced and everything now you keep telling her that she's like her father this and that that's that's not you're giving her bad feelings too because you and your husband didn't make it how are you and your daughter gonna make it through all them hard feelings that way it's not so much i mean she doesn't do it maybe i shouldn't she she did it the last time we talked but she hadn't done it in a while and i have to give her credit for that but on the phone last time i i even flat out told her i didn't want to come see her but she doesn't seem to accept that because she tries to tell me that my father is subconsciously doing things to make me to keep me from going out there or something when he gives me all her messages says why don't you call your mom back she's gonna yell at you what and will not lie for you no he won't he will not do it well here are two uh big don'ts that can instantly improve a mother-child relationship uh gone sour mothers don't use guilt to manipulate your children and children no matter how bad it gets never stop showing respects i think that's really all you all you can't okay uh those tips come from my next guest she's a psychologist karen shaina we're glad to have you with us now oprah i was going to say as you can see this is one of the most powerful subjects you could talk about and that is the love between mother and children and what you do with it especially as the children get older in the society that says you should get more information we said earlier that the mothers joan says it isn't true but we don't believe her uh that they're connecting love to the phone call that it means you love me that's why she wants him to call because oh yes oh yes they want see the problem isn't neglect as far as i see and it isn't uh it isn't non-love between these people no it isn't they don't know how to manage the situation so they can both show their love and yet feel loved by the other and the young person be more independent we have a society we have a society that suffers from momophobia i think this would make a good show some other time but basically we have a society where we're very afraid of mothers and the power they can represent we are addis yes indeed so and uh and you see this reflected in many ways what are we afraid of that mom won't approve that you'll overwhelm us oh okay and also even within the psychological community mothers have been blamed for everything for many years what we have to get back to is not being afraid of mother or being overwhelmed by her but feeling yes the young person has to and by overwhelmed do we really mean control us that when she overwhelms us that ultimately she's going to want her the other part of it is a sense of dependence you see you often see dependence and hostility associated with each other so a lot of the hostility these these people are young they're they're just breaking away from the nest if you will and they're learning to fly and it's real difficult to have that sense of power and independence that i can do this on my own self-sufficiency and yet know how to love one's parent especially one's mother okay now is it also true that perhaps maybe the generation of mothers does not understand that it is quite different for people in their 20s now that the lifestyle is different that that this isn't just a this isn't a cause even though everybody's reaching out and touching they're touching briefly as uh that's right the world we're more mobile than we've ever been many young people they're feeling a lot more pressure than they've ever felt not only to get out in the world and get your own job but find a job for example so there's a lot of stress there at the same time it is also a world where we're feeling more fear than we ever have and we see this manifested by the phone call are you okay uh so it's there it's a loaded subject oprah there's so many feelings here by mother and the young adult okay but this could all be resolved could it not yeah because didn't you have a solution there is a solution we're gonna hear it when we come back [Applause] [Music] can be resolved i said to a mother over there i'm not a caller i'm not a calling daughter but my mother was at my house for thanksgiving and i was leaving the day after thanksgiving going on a trip and coming back and my mother said call me when you get back and i said but i'm looking at you right now what am i gonna what i'm talking to you now we just spent two days we ate and talked so when when am i gonna call you for i have nothing to know what to say she won't ask if i'm okay that's what she said i wonder if you're okay and i said if i'm not you'll probably hear about it but would you say that to your husband would you say that to your lover and they say please call me as soon as you get home from the trip we will call them immediately out of consideration but look at all the things you do during the course of your life where you don't call your mother all the time and that's what mothers also have to get used to and part of the solution is the mothers developing other passions and focuses in their lives so they don't put as much [Applause] to make a point attention i have other focuses in my life i work i have properties i go to school you know i've got a lot of things to do i'm very busy person so it's dawn but i have time to call her just like i have time to call my own mother that's right how often do you call your own mother maybe because i don't want to why is anybody working you've seen a lot of these people okay how often i want to know from the mothers how often how often do you call your mother rebecca i thought my mom lives nearby that's why so i talk to her very often sometimes daily my mother calls me every two weeks and i call her when whenever i mean i'll call her once a week if i've got something to say to her i'm an only child and sometimes i just want to talk to my mom she's telling me how you feel i try to call my mother but my mother is too busy with bingo and uh she doesn't have time for me but you see the children also have to separate what they feel as obligation and i have to report to mom from consideration for another person that you want to show love to and consideration and we have to then learn how to manage a situation so we don't feel imposed by it but just a lot of i want to go back to his point just because you don't call the parents know their kids love them so just because you don't of course but it's the same we make the argument we get after men because some woman will say well yes i want my husband to say he loves me and he'll say well you know i love you i married you but the point is and and then we say well you should talk more and communicate more okay it's really a consideration for another person and letting them know that we do exist we are welcome to develop a strategy to do that it will i have okay so okay the solution is what working out a system where managing us working out a system so you each let each other know of your love and your safety and you don't play a lot of games a lot of the people younger people here have been unconsciously we play games such as our mom calls and we're not there to talk or we don't say anything i know you do this with your friends too but basically it sends out the message i don't care about but wait wait wait wait wait isn't it true though karen sometimes you just don't want to talk but that's if you've been set up a situation let's say once a week you and your mom agree this is you're going to talk with each other once a week and you'll both be there to do that or would you be surprised how that works or once a month but if you know when it is you can anticipate then you'll feel what you want to say what you want to you say here so long you forgot it no i was gonna say i don't really think these mothers are neglected because i know people who don't talk to their mothers for months who don't call them from doesn't make it right and i think that you know as long as your sons and daughters are calling you and making contact with you and loving you that that's what you should be thankful for [Applause] uh between rebecca and dawn dawn you seem to be so bitter that there's got to be something else going on between you and you two have a lot to resolve it's not just about phone calls there's a lot going on well everybody's a therapist now well the whole dependency issue here don is trying to break away and doesn't know how and she's doing it by rebelling and pulling as far away as she can and also unconsciously using her father as as part of this triad you think i don't use my father she uses my father okay it's basically she doesn't know how to feel connected to her mother without feeling overly dependent okay that needs to be yeah that sounds that sounds about right yeah that sounds good that's uh what can they do today though we want to get it's not often she's the one who made the contacts come on this show this is not the kind of thing i would do yeah first of all and and i guess the only the only time i feel neglected and hurt is when she does not keep her word to me i can function fine between phone calls but when she tells me she'll call and she doesn't then i've got a problem okay and i have to keep calling that's an issue of distrust right karen exactly i mean and that's why these issues come in here and the unconscious unconsciously young person connects with their mother but they often do it in a negative way i want to talk about what we can do i would like to also i'm going to get to you i mean go ahead basically when i work with um mothers and parents and children basically for the young person to ask yourself what would i feel comfortable uh in terms of my interaction with my parent right now how often okay let's ask what would you feel comfortable michael what would make you feel comfortable in the interaction once a month however talking with your mom or seeing her i feel comfortable talking with her twice a month three times but it doesn't i don't feel that i should be the one making would you like to make the caller would you like her to do it for her to make a call she makes the call will you be when she calls i talk that's not a problem because that's the other part if she calls and you're not feeling like talking then you can resent her because she calls me right now i'll put on my thinking okay well 3 30 to 1 o'clock in the morning i sleep from what time would you like her to call okay you want to get ready before three and not until not not before 12 and not after three so she called you three you'll feel comfortable with it do you feel comfortable with that yes okay that's good carl and ellen ellen paul what would you be comfortable with he you are not comfortable with every two days is that correct exactly okay what would you be comfortable with i'd be willing to make a phone call once a week but let me make the phone call i mean she makes the phone call she wants me to show my love okay what day of the week are you going to call what day of the week well it varies on my schedule would you let her know for the week or for the month when you are planning to call so she can be there does that feel like control yeah that feels like control why can't it be spontaneous why can't i say i want to talk to my mom i'll give her a call i mean if there's nothing to say okay if she isn't there she misses your call she's going to feel badly or she'll leave a message that i called okay so you want to be in control of when you call right because i mean if it's my responsibility to call control i wonder if like i know a lot of times if i think about her i would i'd stop myself from calling her because of the arguments if i could just drop her a letter and say hi how are you doing there's no conflict there we don't scream at each other it's all nice and pleasant it'd be a lot easier to just drop her a note and that way she would know i was thinking and not arguing what i would suggest for the next two months that you told us just backing them up [Applause] [Music] a lot of love here and we also see it erupting a lot of confusion and resentment it's important for example to remember the love and also at this stage mothers let the young people have more control over the situation and take responsibility tell you what they would like try to go along with these parties i was just gonna say that i didn't appreciate my mother until after i had children and now my mother's gone and i wish i had heard a call well go ahead true neglect is when the parent calls and and the last two weeks of his life his daughter does not come to see him that's neglect we'll be back no we won't be back guests of our show fly on our official carrier american airlines no matter where you're flying chances are americans can take you there american airlines something special in the air [Music] you

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Keywords: oprah winfrey, oprah winfrey show, the oprah winfrey show, the oprah winfrey show (tv program), oprah winfrey network, oprah winfrey (celebrity), oprah winfrey interview, the oprah winfrey show (television show), oprah winfrey top 10, oprah winfrey advice, oprah, oprah winfrey (author), oprah winfrey success, oprah winfrey motivation, oprah winfrey speech, oprah winfrey 5 minutes, oprah where are they now, oprah show, winfrey, where are they now oprah, oprah winfrey show 2015

Id: IaMlv95IGrs

Length: 43min 41sec (2621 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 20 2021