The Moth Presents Jessi Klein: Dale

so let's hear it for Jessie Cline on the morning of my 20th birthday I woke up at the happiest place on earth aka the Enchanted Kingdom aka Disneyworld aka what the hell am I doing here uh and actually I was there for the wedding of my little sister who in a sort of like sixteen Candles twists had decided that she was going to get married on the day before my birthday at Disney World and and just to be clear it wasn't like she and her fiance were like quote unquote getting married at Disney World like ironically like haha so funny you know like it wasn't like drinking PBR wearing like Von Dutch trucker cap irony funny it was more like she and her fiance were both like super [ __ ] into the world and like mega psyched to get married her um that's their thing uh now the thing is um my family is Jewish obviously and uh and my sister's fiance is family they're conservative Jews so when we found out they wanted to get married at Disney World we were collectively very surprised and collectively super not stoked uh-huh and my dad nominated me to have the talk with her about maybe not doing this and huh the talk was basically me saying to my sister um you know Walt Disney was a Nazi right mouch wit's lol and my sister is like Jessie the people who work at Disney aren't Nazis anymore and I'm all aren't they but she was very stubborn about him that's what they wanted to do and she was insistent on going forward with his plan which meant that I was going to spend my birthday sliding into my 30s as a single girl celebrating the wedding of my little sister at Disney World yay uh-huh and so just to give you a little bit of background I am the middle sibling of three little sister older brother and this point in the story both of my siblings have found their partners on the world wide interweb I am the only single one of the group still am that's not really the point right now just putting it out there ah if anyone really gives a [ __ ] or whatever at but and while I'm very happy for them I'm also very disturbed for myself because the thing is when we were kids who are all super nerdy hard to imagine I'm sure we're super we're shocked and honored but comparatively I was like the least nerdy so I always imagined that if any of us were going to find someone it would be me you know in my like mantra and I was with him was always like good luck nerds hope you find someone who and um you know and now they've like both marry you know my brother had married and she is marrying like very nice people and I am the one who's home alone eating like macadamia nut Lonelyhearts on guys for him and listening the LME feel soundtrack which that's sad and true but I will say number one it was a sight guys thing and Vonda Shepard was a talent I I just I'm not gonna anyway I digress people who know what I'm talking about you know anyway so uh like a couple weeks before the wedding my sister informs me that she and her fiance have decided to spend a little extra to have the characters attend the reception of course and I decide that if I am single and I am going to be spending my birthday weekend at Disney World then I am definitely [ __ ] one of the characters while I'm here and um I kind of put my hopes on Tigger all right I've always kind of had a thing for I like his like barrel chest and is like upbeat approach to life we all can dream um so my plan is to leave Friday morning for the rehearsal dinner which is Friday night and because I leave everything to the last minute I don't pick up my bridesmaid dress till Thursday morning it's like a floor-length lavender embroidered satine thing it's just beautiful and uh anyway so I have it and then around 4:30 then afternoon as I'm wrapping up a long day of personal emailing and googling myself all of a sudden the lights pop out and my computer goes off and the northeast is plunged into the worst blackout in the history of the United States I don't know if anyone remembers that fun time and and it's just it's a [ __ ] and so with the subway is not working I join you know just like remembers like throngs of humanity trudging through the August heat from Midtown I have to walk home to Brooklyn just with like thousands of other New Yorkers but I noticed that I'm the only one carrying a 30-pound bridesmaid dress over my shoulder and I realized somewhere around Varick Street that I have become a Cathy cartoon I is that horrible woman from the comics who like hates horizontal stripes and doesn't want to shop for bathing students like argh Sweet Pea is like oh so um with all the power out I really almost did not make it to the wedding and in fact I did not make it to the rehearsal dinner I went to the terminal at JFK the next day to the Delta terminal and I discovered that all the power is out there and miraculously in a post-911 world they also have no plan for dealing with no power like at all and in fact some guy gets on a megaphone and tell us all of the people that it's a crapshoot as to whether any planes are going to take off and crap shoot isn't a word you want to hear anywhere near air travel it was like maybe maybe not um and so actually uh didn't make it you know no planes takeoff that day and I get home desperately trying to find any plane to get me to Disney World the next day there is one ticket left on any carrier right it's on Continental one-way New York to Orlando it's $800 which is what I spent going to Japan round-trip a few months before but I have to buy it it's my sister's wedding and it's Disney World and so the next morning I go to the flight I'm so stressed and nervous before the flight that as soon as I sit down I take an ambien I forget you should not take a whole ambien before a 2-hour plane so oops yeah so when I land I am wildly hallucinating right wildly seeing double greeted by a wedding planner who's like go directly to hair and I'm like I'm going and then you just melting everything's melting and the ambien just starts to wear off sometime around the beginning of the reception which point I'm so exhausted I just decide the only logical thing to do is get really drunk and wait for the characters to arrive and the amazing hold on one second edge of your seat hold on this doesn't count as time the amazing thing about the way they do the character entries at a Disney wedding is that they go is that they go be list and then see list and then a list right so first Donald and Daisy come in right and then Chip and Dale the chipmunks and then just when you're like going crazy you can't wait another second you're gonna burst Mickey Minnie area Mickey Minnie hair right yeah Adam likes tagger and so Mickey Minnie come in and they start us doing the fora because it is a Jewish wedding for real and the character whose hand I end up holding is dales and pretty quickly I find myself in a flirtation that I can best describe as smoldering um because like at first were dancing and then we're like slow dancing and like my torso was pressed against his leg furry little underbelly and I think part of the reason it's so sort of sensuous two things one like they're not allowed to speak so the silence can't talk at all no it nothing and then the other thing is you can't see into their eyes all you see are just these black dots of like vast and less hatred and I'm so sexy so um a few hours later I am like so wasted but totally happy me and Dale are entwined we are the envy of all the other interspecies couples and lady in red is playing and I have my head on Dale's shoulder and I rise I there's never going to be more perfect moment to make my move so I like squeezes paw and then I step back and I'm like I tried with sexy right as sexy as you can be after like three vodka tonics to Disney chardonnays and a 10 milligram ambien and uh and I'm like look I'm having a really great time with you and I kind of don't want it to end hi I'm staying at the Contemporary Resort in the room 239 and if you would I don't know if you want to come back to my room but you're totally invited and Dale just like stops and takes a step back and then he just goes and that was the moment when I realized oh my God if he consummates this he will probably be fired potentially also killed you know like we're in a kingdom like who knows what laws apply and then it was until a few days later that I really like literally maybe a week I was like person in the costume not necessarily a man actually probably not anyway um it was a night uh the next morning I wake up it is my birthday I am on a twin sized bed alone on your sheets and even though my flight is not till 10:00 I leave there at 6 a.m. because the room is so unbearably disgusting I cannot be in there another second it's so ugly so I get to the terminal I watch the Sun Rise I wait for the woman to come and start like letting people into the gate and and I never ever play the birthday card I hate that but because it's been such a crazy weekend when the woman arrived I go up to her and I'm like look it's crazy time getting here blackout is there any way you could upgrade me to first-class and she's really nice and she's like you know there's no first class on this plane but I promise we'll take care of you great fine I figure maybe an extra blanket that sounds perfect so people start to arrive at the gate it's a couple hundred people whatever and and then we find out we're going to delay it against women's cranky and the woman gets on the you know loudspeaker finally and she's like okay I want to thank y'all for choosing Delta song today we're gonna probably average in about 20 minutes but before I do just wanna let y'all know we have a birthday girl her name's Jess yeah it's awesome hey and I'm just like [ __ ] [ __ ] you know just tidal wave of hatred for her but it's interrupted because everyone despite the fact that it's super early and weird Elena was really upset everyone starts to sing happy birthday to me and that you know like really sweet and it just suddenly it was like it just changed everything I was like this is actually all the leading to this moment and I feel like people like I have this like optimism now like people are really nice people are basically good if you know we're all just on this crazy blue marble together and I one love and and it's like so just lovely you know and then we get on the plane and I get like a plastic glass of champers so so nice and I just sit in my seat and I'm like I make it everything's fine like I feel I've done it I made it through this weekend it's my birthday it's gonna be fine and I'm really relaxed and and then like about I don't know half an hour into the flight just feeling good with the champers and uh ho Sun you know the woman gets on the thing and she's like you know we're gonna be a short flight today gonna be cruising back into New York and about you know 45 minutes and I thank y'all for choosing Delta song today I do wanna uh-huh I do wanna uh I do want to just let y'all know we have a birthday girl here on the plane today so why don't we all sing her a happy birthday and I'm like because it's so obvious everyone's looking at me everyone's like why didn't you know what I mean like because it's so clear the woman at the gate did not communicate with a woman on the plane and like not seems like I'm a jackass like I'm the kind of person who tells everyone I meet it's my birthday like I'm five years old like some douche and so embarrassed and then this guy like ETS behind me says super loud goes we already [ __ ] say I was like oh right people are basically bad people are basically bad and just slouched down to my seat wait to get back to New York where the lights were finally back on thank you guys

Channel: The Moth

Views: 144,033

Keywords: The, Moth, Podcast, Radio, Hour, Jessi, Klein, Dale, hilarious, disney, world, land, chip, wedding, mickey, mouse, marriage, funny, lol, humor, comedy, disneyland, donald, duck, story, storyteller, storytelling

Id: HxInZ4-1SDQ

Length: 15min 9sec (909 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 05 2012