The Healthy Masculinity of Ted Lasso | therapist explains

and i want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks because i promise you there is something worse out there than being sad and that is being alone and being sad ain't nobody in this room alone [Music] ted lasso is such a bizarre show incredibly groundbreaking in all sorts of ways i never expected and yet it's also somehow the most ordinary familiar show imaginable which is a bit odd to be so refreshingly unique and yet feel so familiar that you barely notice just how unique it is ted lasso is a deeply heartfelt comedy series about an american nfl coach who gets hired as a british football manager for a fictional premier league side named richmond a premise i assumed to be a dumb gimmick particularly when you remember those old promo clips from years ago but there's huge substance behind this show so much i want to make several videos about this if people are interested one speaking as a therapist where i break down all the therapy scenes in the show one analyzing the character nate and one talking about the show as a whole um today though i'm just going to focus on one specific thing about ted lasso masculinity because this show does such a good job there that it starts to make other shows and films look quite flawed in comparison shut up to yuri on me let's start with a short and hopefully obvious point about masculinity though the thing about masculinity is that our culture's views of it are often skewed by the idea of the alpha and the beta either you're an alpha male who is tough who takes what he needs is constantly on top as a hero is always required or at least places himself in a role as always required to fix things as a hero to others either physically able to fight off threats to his power and status or verbally by verbally imagine whatever marvel heroes who show constant fearlessness and deflect against anything that might undermine them through endless quips and one-liners and outwitting other people to sometimes mad extremes in those films either that or you're a beta man who is deemed shy not confident enough to take what he wants sensitivity becomes seen as submissive and weak you're one of the other of those two examples and it's dangerous because as society continues to progress or hopefully progress and the importance for everyone at times to you know show some sensitivity express feeling and empathy as part of functioning healthily there is a portion of men that feel threatened by this that mistake the idea of sensitivity and empathy as being this beta stereotype that they're in some way being asked to become what they deem to be weak and submissive therefore they push back against this idea as a threat when in reality sensitivity and empathy don't have to have anything at all to do with submissiveness or weakness done right not only can a healthy emotionally open man still feel strong but that his emotional availability can actually further empower him a point the show ted lasso understands incredibly well how so um let's start by talking about roy kent you play like that next week you can kiss the trophy goodbye because today you all played like a bunch of little pricks you hear me on the surface i think roy kent appears to be the typical alpha male stereotype he shouts he constantly swears [ __ ] knight he's an incredibly physical and aggressive player on the pitch he's a leader he can intimidate people with a stare and a growl and he appears to praise nate's violence towards a window oh it's [ __ ] embarrassing oh i am equally livid oh my god roy is all of these things and the way he channels his aggression into his football does improve his performances your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are it's your anger that's your superpower i mean you used to run like you were angry at the grass there's two points to make however the first is that whilst all of this is true not once in the show is roy ken ever violent to anyone whilst he has a commanding presence he is never domineering or belittling towards others he regularly expresses his emotion honestly and with confidence he's regularly thoughtful towards others he has the maturity to apologize to forgive and to try to communicate better one good example being his relationship to keely the two start to grow fond of each other one evening he walks home and kisses her but then suddenly walks off and keeley tries organizing to meet up or just texting to talk the next day and her every attempt is met with rory saying he's busy to the extent she doubts he is into her but then when rory does find free time he has the openness to admit he's nervous to take things too quick because he cares about her a lot i'm trying to do this differently i should have told you that i apologize and i am trying to be more honest and keely who was confused and hurt by him kind of ghosting her then admits that she slept with jamie the previous night i didn't think you were into me i didn't know what you wanted and i knew exactly what he wanted to which rory is angry but takes none of it out on her more so she has apologized they aren't in any kind of relationship at this point so despite the moment of anger he forgives and they move on which whilst not always perfect is healthy masculinity i think open enough to try and explain his feelings and communicate what's behind his behavior understanding enough to try and make sense of keeley's behavior mature enough to move on from it also as a side note this is point one on what i think is groundbreaking about this show it takes conflicts between people like you ordinarily get in tv but instead of always building the conflict up into something massive and dramatic for the sake of entertainment you get many moments of people just maturely resolving the conflicts as people should do in reality not only is that healthier but even from an entertainment point of view it's engaging because you don't expect it we're so conditioned in tv to expect mass drama to come out of every dilemma that to just see two people nip it in the bud very sensibly you go oh okay good that was a nice surprise it makes the show very unpredictable in a way that doesn't feel forced i think anyway the other thing about roy kent is that his very matrix side is regularly undermined and kind of played for laughs yet never actually criticized as a bad thing we get keeley very early on mocking him i'm roy kent and i get paid to play a game but i'm mad all the time we're showing how easily he can be wound up no i couldn't kelly because no caleb you actually if you would listen to me listen i could tell you why you tell me there's people constantly making jokes about how angry roy is in a way that kind of ridicules it and then also the many examples i guess of putting mr stereotypical macho man in unmacho situations particularly with his niece phoebe such as ted giving roy the book a wrinkle in time as a present and roy finding it a bit ridiculous only to discover when reading it to phoebe that he loves the book which kind of then starts on a journey of developing a passion for reading more obviously playing princess and the dragon with phoebe can i be the dragon this time no fine but you better fix the one going to dole shops or consoling her about feeling embarrassed by telling her the embarrassing story of him [ __ ] himself three weeks ago you pooped your pants right kent yeah so i did too sometimes the thing about all these situations of undermining roy kent's matchingness is that none of it is a a problem in any way or be depicted as weird scenarios you know does rory can't feel any less of a man because he's playing girly games with his niece of course he doesn't is reading a very good novel any sort of threat to his tough man's status definitely not and you know the confidence with which he admits to being a grown man who shot himself after eating a ton of ice cream despite knowing he's bad with dairy yeah so i hope the point i'm moving towards is becoming clear it doesn't matter whatsoever that roy's metro side sometimes gets undermines often for laughs because he's secure enough to allow himself to be undermined without it being a threat to his masculinity he's secure enough in who he is to not need to appear macho all the time he does still sometimes yes it's part of his character it's probably part of his role as a team captain there's nothing wrong in that but it's not all of his character nor does he need to feel chained by it nor weak when he doesn't fit it roy ken can feel strong and confident even when he's ridiculed or when he's emotionally vulnerable or when he needs to ask others for relationship advice it's not always pleasant when others easily mock him for his angry persona no but he feels no need either to outwit them in response or to vent his aggression in order to reassert himself and it's not always pleasant to be emotionally vulnerable sometimes that does make you feel weak i mean of course being vulnerable can be very hard but to be so hard and make you feel so weak as to shut down all the vulnerability entirely that isn't roy and whilst he isn't perfect he's a pretty healthy person as a result but let's move on now and discuss the character of jamie tart it doesn't matter what you say because in my head i'm just hearing the crowd cheer my name after i scored a goal tonight jamie todd isn't exactly the nicest of men but i think he is in many ways what a younger roy kent might have been he's incredibly talented and full of himself as a result and while less physical than rory he's verbally very gobby and keen to dominate bully and belittle others if he is ridiculed or undermined in any way he's keen to reassert himself in order to save face as though to be seen as anything other than on top in any situation is a threat to him but then you remember he's just a kid for all his arrogance and refusal to work with the team his open rudeness and rebellion against ted ted pulls him into his office and tells him i can honestly say you are the best athlete i have ever coached and you see such visible delight slowly creeping onto jamie's face as you realize all of the bravado is partly just bravado and that he's still just a kid trying to hide his insecurity ted says he's truly great at everything he does except for one thing my left foot cross expecting to be criticized in the same way he internally criticizes himself suddenly they've melted through all of it suddenly this man ted he has no respect for is now like a father figure in a matter of seconds and ted explains that the one thing is that jaime forgets he's a team player and that if he could get better at that he could be a superstar brilliant writing by the way two characters have conflict not only does it not build into drama but ted solves it without arguments or fights or even the classic tv formula of one-upping jamie in some sort of way instead just speaking to his heart and his insecurity in an empathetic manner not that this interaction does entirely resolve their conflicts because jamie still has a long way to go to develop as a person but this is the start of it and through a mixture of many different occurrences he does get there he stops belittling others to prop up his own ego he starts working with them supporting them he becomes more able to express his vulnerability particularly to keely he shows the willingness to ask roy for help with mentoring even though asking for his help makes him feel a bit small he learns to take accountability to apologize and we also get the wonderfully painful confrontation with his dad a pretty horrible man who makes it exactly clear where jaime's insecurity stem from but here despite his intimidating foe friendliness jamie stands up to him rather than not yeah they just won't look around it'll only take a second i'd rather him not speak to her don't speak to me like that don't speak to me like that when jamie is standing firm his dad can't take it and tries to draw him into a fight to which jaime does punch him his dad then gets pulled away and removed but jamie is left there in shock roy moves forwards to hug him and jamie cries this is quite possibly my favorite scene in the entire show kieran o'brien who plays jamie's dad does a fantastic job with such a tragically real character you so easily recognize all of the mannerisms in similar real life people but the point of me bringing up this scene though is that it's in jaime's growth as a person to someone bought emotionally open that he becomes much more able to stand up to his dad compared to previous scenes such as this or in that he could previously only manage breaking free from his father by actively sabotaging his own career here however he's resolute within himself because he's more confident within as a person now less changed to the insecurity and more separated from what his dad thinks of him and whilst it is a shame he has to resort to violence it's a huge positive that he doesn't back down to the man who has always made him feel small in general then it's in being comfortable enough to show weakness to others that he's actually become stronger within i like also the punching his dad isn't played like some triumphant one-upping moment where the bully gets their just desserts and we all have a laugh at his expense you know we don't hail jamie for this great show of strength much more realistically and very maturely of the writers it's both a positive to stand up to him but also incredibly tragic and sad to be in a position where you are punching your dad of course jaime cries of course he needs to be hugged right now the shock of all of this this is a sad moment and it is again jaime's growing strength that he can let himself be sad without feeling shame at the emotion and also the true mark of a great leader with rory going to hug him being a leader isn't about making people follow your commands so much as it's about looking out for those people so much so that they choose to follow your command and in a way that's what being sensitive means being receptive to other people's feelings rather than dismissive towards them that's and being receptive to your own this is point two on what i find groundbreaking about ted lasso not playing physical violence as a moment of triumph not technically criticizing it in this specific example but certainly not glorifying it you know i wanted to talk also about the masculinity of ted himself i wanted to talk about rebecca and keely and how funnily enough solids healthy femininity shows many of the same traits i wanted to talk about nate too however i think i'll save him for a specific video all about nate perhaps also a video about characters who don't show such healthy masculinity such as rupert and jamie's dad because whilst jamie is given what he needs to grow that being therapy here sometimes a strong word a healthy environment a big thing i think actually is uh keeley telling him being accountable matters breaking up with him i think he needed that as much as keeley did whilst jamie is given all of that it wouldn't be anywhere near as simple with rupert that would need its own video though today i'm going to make one more point and hopefully tie all of this together [Music] the point i started with was that sensitivity and empathy when confident with them needs not make you feel weaker but actually empower you and what we getting ted lasso is a show primarily about footballers people who are stereotypically seen as big ladish brutish macho sometimes like robots who just perform because they have a fun job and massive wages therefore aren't somehow entitled to struggle with ordinary human mental health issues which reminds me actually of andrew being seen by his father as a racehorse in the film the breakfast club you can check out my video on him believe it or not not only are footballers human who feel things who struggle with the extreme pressures of the job roy can't touch himself away in the dark in a wheelie bin of icy water watching pundits on live tv talking about how he scored an own goal because he feels such deep shame about the mistake he just told me i [ __ ] up and then code i don't do that bud i lost just a game i'm a piece of [ __ ] ted lasse himself gives us a wonderfully realistic depiction of panic attacks which actually reminds me of the sobering sort of related facts that nearly half of all football managers suffer significant heart problems due to the extreme stress and pressure of the job which is pretty mad um either way i think there's something quite brilliant about taking a group of people who are often stigmatized as brutish hard men who don't feel things and showing us not only in fact yes they actually do feel but also the modern footballer even when he looks like roy ken has much more to him than that he has to because this is a sport about working as a team and that requires a healthy environment where people can function at their best not just physically but mentally too one of the small touches i quite like is sam obasanya whenever he has a phone call with his dad he often refers to him as daddy daddy who tells him he loves him and nothing at all is made out of this that's my third fourth points on what makes this show groundbreaking many moments where men do show sides like this that don't fit into media's typical less healthy depiction of a man and the show makes absolutely no point about it whatsoever just slips this in as the most ordinary thing in the world which very much normalizes it you know there's no chance of middle of me ever calling my dad's daddy because of the connotations i feel it carries but why don't i ever tell him i love him i very rarely say that even though it's true it should be an ordinary thing to say and just goes to show how stupid i can sometimes be none of this makes them any weaker as people none of this damages their ability to show that firmness that resoluteness that is also sometimes required as much as we need to be sensitive and thoughtful and empathetic sometimes we do need to stand resolute or to stand up for others hopefully not very often but sometimes people do need a bit of bite to them i'm talking about practice and you can't do it cause you're hurt and in the context here of a physical competitive game to shout and get fired up and be a little bit kind of primal that need not be anything toxic i mean it definitely can be but not if done right that firmness need not be in any contradiction to sensitivity which is where ted comes in the man who is consistently receptive to feelings in a way that spreads to the others he helps the team to balance the two the firmness and sensitivity he works to gradually form a healthier less toxic atmosphere in the squad one where sensitivity does not undermine strength but comes to empower it further including for himself that's basically what the show is about how working with our feelings can empower us to be better more confident stronger happier people as a counselor i 100 agree that's all i'll say on this wonderful show for now please let me know if you're keen for more videos on tedla so i could honestly make tons of them with how i feel at the moment like the video comment your thoughts what i got wrong what you can add to subscribe if you want to stick around support me on patreon if you want to help me keep this channel going but otherwise hopefully see you next time and as ever a special thank you guys janice mcmahon blue core treat true caber michael gallagher in squares dustin paulsen brian herring samara chelsea shower 2814 joshua steve folia chad brownwell incomplete sentience and nicolas patrick [Music]

Channel: My Little Thought Tree

Views: 260,460

Keywords: ted lasso, video essay, analysis, review, reaction, therapy, therapy scene, therapist reacts, ted lasso analysis, ted lasso review, ted lasso explained, ted lasso videoessay, jason sudekis, roy kent, roy kent analysis, roy kent psychology, ted lasso psychology, nate the great, jamie's dad, masculinity, toxic masculinity, healthy masculinity, ted lasso masculinity, unpredictable genius, my little thought tree

Id: 1fHwkYgRBLI

Length: 20min 46sec (1246 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 05 2022