The Cure for Nice Guy Syndrome | Liam Mcrae | Full Length HD

welcome to the 21 convention Miami Florida this next speaker is a multiple time speaker first time he spoke was in 2012 it's a Melbourne event he's a coach for the natural lifestyles he's an author pretty amazing guy Lee McRae come up on stage what is a nice guy anyone got any suggestions Wow places themselves lost who's heard the phrase nice guys finish last right here's thought of themselves as a nice guy before so what is the opposite of a nice guy a good guy interesting well you're cheating because you knew the answer already but most people think the opposite of a nice guy is an asshole and that's why they cling to the nice guy identity so strongly because they think I don't want to be an asshole so I'm gonna be a nice guy but I think that the opposite of a nice guy is someone who is clear and direct about what they want who's able to set boundaries of people someone who isn't ashamed of their sexuality someone who isn't afraid to be seen as a bad guy someone who does the right thing not the thing that's easiest and this is a powerful question to ask because now we're asking what is a nice guy I don't think it's someone who's kind and has a genuine desire to be generous I think a nice guy is a set of manipulative behaviors that many men use to get their needs met now there's nothing wrong with wanting intimacy with wanting love with one in connection with desire and respect from other men but the real problem comes when men want these things but they're not able to communicate that they want these things so they give something else hoping wondering waiting that they'll get their needs met without ever actually stating what it is that they want and this is a really toxic way to live because you're constantly stressed and frustrated that people in your life aren't giving you what you want women aren't giving you sex may not giving you respect your family's not giving you love I'm not giving you attention and instead of confronting that you just keep being nicer and nicer and nicer hoping that they will subliminally understand what your needs are the three main areas that I want to explore today three main strategies or symptoms of nice guy syndrome avoiding confrontation the nice guys are terrified to be put under the heat they're afraid to be truly seen so they avoid confrontation at all costs the second one is giving with an underhanded intention to get something in return that they will never admit giving to get and the third one is seeking approval now again there's nothing wrong with seeking approval but it's the way that you go about doing it that really defines what kind of manual now where does all this come from I think a lot of this comes from shame that we have so everyone just put your hands just dunia who feels weird even doing that everyone's smiling awkwardly on should I go to dick and balls and everyone's gonna know about it but it's true it's are socially conditioned to be ashamed of odd dick you know balls isn't it amazing to think what did you eat today right so right now in your stomach those foods are being processed and sent through your body down to your balls to make spam you're all making calm right now without even realizing and it sounds kind of silly when I say it like that but think about it like this you all have inside your buddy's a substance that can literally create an entire universe can create consciousness can build a life can build a baby but it's so easy for us to become disconnected from that and the shame that a lot of men feel around their dick in their balls and around their masculinity blocks them from being their true self and that's where they develop these nice guy behavioral masks masculinity is something that can be toxic it is something that many men grow up seeing the negative effects of and they don't want to be part of that who saw a bully at school and thought I don't want to be like that who saw someone abuse a woman or maybe that dad was really rude or he wasn't there and they thought I don't want to treat women like that it's really easy for us to look at the negative expressions of masculine energy bullying war rape violence totalitarian fascist regimes and think I don't want to be that kind of man so I'm gonna not be a man I'm gonna shy away from all elements of masculinity I want to define myself as the antithesis to all those negative things but in the process of doing that we throw out what really makes us men in all of the powerful masculine expressions of our energy masculinity can be all those negative things sure but could also be standing up for what you believe in standing up against a bully can mean leadership can mean believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves having this strength to support those around you who a week it can mean all of those things but it's so easy to avoid connecting with that part of yourself because you're afraid that people will see you as the dark side I masculinity it's like a fire a fire can be used to burn your skin can melt the skin off your bone can burn down the whole house but it can also be used to bring warmth and light to light up a whole city to bring Heat and by putting this wet blanket of shame over a fire of our masculinity we rub ourselves with the power that we have so I'm gonna talk today about nice guys and masculinity and I want to make it clear that there's the extreme stereotype of the nice guy who has a neck beard and plays waterwall Croft and wears a fedora and lives in his mom's basement but in my line of work and in my own life I've seen that many guys who have alpha traits can still exhibit many nice guy behaviors they can still come across as a total nice guy who avoids confrontation who gives something to hopefully get something in return that they won't say what it is and it was constantly seeking approval so consider this in yourselves even if you think I don't do those things on the surface maybe in some other ways you do now I had an experience just like this where I read the book no more mr. nice guy who's read that great book and I was like that's not me I'm a dating coach I travel around the world I'm in an open relationship you know I'm cool I'm gonna play up and a few weeks later I was in bed with my girlfriend at the time and her alarm went off she said baby let's just snuggle for a little bit longer and I was like okay and then 15 minutes later and a and I wake up and she's screaming she starts yelling at me you should have woken me up now I would be late for work this is all your fault now she had a very violent past with other men her dad was really abusive and I didn't want to be like those guys I was a good guy I was honorable I had integrity I wasn't gonna yell at her I wasn't gonna use my masculinity against her so I was proud to just take that abuse and say nothing and this is another aspect of nice guys they have a huge ego about how nice they are they wear it as a status symbol like a rich guy wears a Rolex I'm so nice not like there's other assholes if only a girl could really see the real me and they're so proud of this ineffective behavior and Here I am telling you I was in that exact mood I was watching her yell at me and I'm telling myself that it's cuz I don't want to be like her dad but really it was because I was afraid of confrontation I didn't want to look her right in the eye I was afraid of what she would think of me so I just did what I always did swallowed what I wanted to say and put on this fake smile we started walking to the bus stop my knuckles white as I'm gripping a briefcase for training like I'm happy she's like how are you I'm like fine you can see that I'm tense we sit down at the bus stop she's like if you got something to say just say it you feeling something just say it and I was like yeah but you would like to hear what I really think wouldn't you and again another aspect of a nice guy behavior that masculine rage that you they suppress that we hold back that we hide behind these mosques comes out in other ways it turns into a really disgusting passive-aggressive behavior instead of just telling it what I was feeling I said yeah you'd like that wouldn't you looked away and she said yeah I would actually because you seemed to hold back a lot of stuff for me to tell me what you're feeling and I said I was like I was like I was a child and I said I think she's greeted think you're ungrateful bitch that was like just getting that out felt good and then we talked it through and then it was resolved she said I like that when you tell me what you're feeling because you don't draw out every flat into this thing that lost hours and weeks and months we just have a conflict and then we resolve it why can't you be like that all the time I was like whoa gave me a new model for how I could look at conflict a woman can really teach you a lot about yourself if she's able to press on your buttons in just the right way not to try and break you down but to try and encourage you to grow and so a few weeks later she had a really long day at work she was really stressed dehydrated we're eating dinner she said my sister's trying this new diet blah blah blah and I said oh your sister's trying to lose weight I'm trying to gain weight we have the opposite problem how's this being funny and silly and she snapped at me because you hate fat people you hate my sister I was like whoa and I thought back to that moment on the bus and I was like I just said you're obviously stressed you had a long day at work no more talking until you finished your food when you're not hungry anymore I bet you won't feel this angry and she knew I was right she ate a meal we didn't talk about it again that was it and that was all it took how easy was that literally five seconds of me just drawing a clear boundary showing her that I didn't want to be spoken to like that making a clear communication of how I was feeling imagine the dinner where I didn't do that imagine where I just said no I don't I'll just said nothing and ate my food caught up angrily walked my plate over the sink through it angrily stormed out slammed the toilet door who can relate to doing that kind of passive-aggressive in relationships it's a good way to sort of get rid of what you're feeling so let's look at what the media tells us and what TV tells us is the answer I think one of the best examples of the nice guy becoming asshole fantasy is Walter White and Breaking Bad who's watch Breaking Bad he's so on by life you know his own son looks up to his brother-in-law more than him his wife doesn't really respect him he just kind of walks around meek leaving his body languages like this the kids at school off at him and then he decides enough is enough I'm gonna start taking back this is my territory now so yeah I relate to that character a lot and I think a lot of guys in our generation do because we see him as the extreme opposite of what we've always been but the funny thing is a lot of these characters that we know and love from famous TV shows are actually sociopaths he becomes a violent killer another example Tony Soprano who his watched that show and loved that guy so many people loved watching that show they loved what he represents he carotids a man to death with a piece of fencing while you know is that the man you really want to emulate but that's what we're presented as the antithesis to this nice guy Don Draper and madmen he's constantly lying manipulating people but he's still presented as this amazing man so to go even more extreme what about we're in the city for its cafes well Pablo Escobar a lot of people glorify these guys because they're like I wish I had the power that guy has I wish I had the balls he has to take what he wants from life to tell people what I really think the power to be feared and be respected to have the women so that's one extreme and following that path really makes men beat up and that's another aspect of nice guys is bitterness I feel like I've done so much and being given so little and then the other extreme is the lovable loser anyone had any films that really influenced them like that maybe 40 year old virgin yeah any other suggestions I can think of to they went famous films but I remember the message one was some kind of comedy show in the 90s I don't even remember the name but is this black guy he's living with his housemate he's really has a crush on this girl and she brings a date home and he's never told her how he felt and the whole date he keeps jumping between them on the couch and messing it up every time they're about to kiss and it's kind of like a slapstick comedy show at the end the date leaves the girls really pissed off she takes a baseball bat she starts smashing up his car smashing the windscreen why are you always on my date Henry Oh baby stop why are you I still it is and then he goes baby yes cuz I got feelings for you huh feelings you know and then guess what happens what do you guys think happens of course she goes straight over and kisses him on the lips why don't you tell me baby what an amazing fantasy all you gotta do is out of one sentence awkwardly Atta girl you've been sort of creepily in love with for months without ever telling her and then she just makes out with you oh that seduction strategy ever another one the nerd at high school is in love with this hot chick the whole movie he's creepily stalking her following her and then at the end of the movie she's annoyed with her boyfriend and he goes Miranda every in love with you for a year and I know your star sign is Sagittarius and I know your favorite flavor of bubblegum is watermelon and she goes huh she walks over to her boyfriend all right Cody what's my star sign and what's my favorite flavor of bubblegum he's like oh I don't know babe like strawberry or whatever and she's like oh and she goes and makes out with the nerd again what a fantasy was if you just be yourself if you just be a good honest dude eventually this supermodel that's in Hollywood movies will notice you and make out with you what a dream who believed that dream on some level when they were in high school I'm gonna write her a love letter I'm gonna write her a song what a great fantasy so it's funny to bring up this other character that she's dating the opposite of nice guys why asshole is attractive we'll explore this and more later in a bit more detail but the reason that assholes are attractive is because on some level they're authentic they have their own flaws but in many ways they admit those flaws they're rude and brash but they're not hiding anything they're letting the world know this is Who I am and I'm proud of it and people prefer that than someone who's got a constantly fake plastic smile trying to convince everyone that they're a great guy so the good news is we don't have to become assholes we can be embodying the qualities that those all souls have we can be clear and direct we can be straightforward we can risk looking like assholes but it's not the actual asshole quality that people are attracted to it's the authenticity and the integrity it's the feeling that this guy is what he says he is that he wants what he wants and he admits that he's no trying to manipulate me with fake gifts my fake persona so let's look at the first area which is avoiding confrontation avoiding conflict this starts on a microexpression level which is man not being able to sit in social pressure who's been on a date where they've talked way too fast and just babble and babbles and babbled and smiled and not in an agreed with everything the girl said and laughed at your own jokes Thanks that's a symptom of nice guys inability to sit in social pressure think about it from the woman's point of view if you can't hold silence for even a second if you can't sit just a little bit of pressure what kind of lover are you gonna be feel that overwhelmed by the tension of just talking to her how are you gonna her how are you gonna lead her through the intense experience of your body sweating together and leading to this climax so that's the first thing that tells a woman this guy is afraid and that's why when my coaching guys one of the first things we get them to do is a bunch of social freedom exercises to let them sit in social pressure and feel what it feels like to be judged and feel the awkwardness it's not that the feelings about it's not the view awkwardness or the the fear is it bad that's not what the problem is the problem is the fact that they release that by talking too fast and talking too much and nodding and smiling and agreeing with everything the girl says because they're afraid of confrontation and this is probably the most one of the most common things that guys I coach deal with they can't shut up when they're talking to a woman and actually listen as soon as the girl finishes talking they start talking straight away anyone who's seen my videos in my channel of saying I talk about this whole time because it's such an instant expression of their inability to hold pressure so I'm gonna tell you a story now of a more extreme version of this and this is a guy who you wouldn't necessarily think as a classic nice guy he's 41 he's an entrepreneur runs his own business travels the world dresses well he's fit he's got friends he's got a social circle he's been in relationships before you know he knows what he wants he has strong opinions and he's not afraid to express them so in many ways you know he's a catch and he met this girl in a holiday and he seduced her had sex for five days had this awesome time game over right you got the yeah isn't that what we're all here no that's just the beginning of the seduction a lot of guys think if I could just get laid then that would solve everything but that's just the beginning of you and the woman starting to learn about each other and it was what he did at that point where things got a little bit hazy he said come and hang out with me in Prague for 10 days she said okay cool and again on the surface seems like a good idea what's the point of being a successful entrepreneur if you can't hang out with a hot girl that you just met have amazing sex with us spend 10 days are there in a beautiful Eastern European city what's the point of being alive so they met up but for us red flag was the fact that the day before he had to go see her he was doing coaching with me and he said dude I got to take off early today I said why he said because I don't want her waiting long in the hotel room for me like what you're spending 10 days with her what's another half a day gonna matter it's like aw I wouldn't want her to get angry I was like well that doesn't sound like a very promising start to attend a romantic adventure does it Jesus Christ you're already walking on eggshells before you've even arrived like whoops sorry yeah sorry and you know he's not acting like that he seems confident he walks with his head tall he's big straight but underneath this alpha exterior he's still running this nice guy behavior of avoiding confrontation he's terrified of what will happen and this woman obviously rep means so much to him and represents so much to him that he doesn't want anything to go wrong because he told me dude I'm 41 I want to settle down have kids someday this girl seems like a catch and I was like dude you've known fo less than a week you're already thinking about marrying guy he's like well no no I'm just want to see what happens I'm like alright I feel like you're already going into this with the wrong attitude but whatever so he went I met up with a head that ten days and it was pretty good but then he calls me just a few days ago and he said she emailed me she said it was complicated she feels like she needs some time to think about it she doesn't want to meet me for for another while we need to go on a break basically she was cutting it off he's like what did I do wrong I thought I did everything right I said well the status the fact that you're avoiding confrontation she can feel that on an energetic level that you're fearing being straight with her sitting in the pressure of her criticizing you she can feel that and secondly the fact that you were so willing to spend 10 days of your life which he could have been doing anything with could been working out learning a martial art learning a new language traveling hanging out with your friends meeting a family playing a musical instrument could mean doing anything with that time and you chose to spend ten days of it with someone that you had known for less than a week what does that tell her about how important she is to you and how badly you need this what does that tell her about how many options you have in your life and also what does it make her feel any ideas what does it make the woman fit what yeah and what does she miss out on by jumping straight into a 10 day holiday what does she miss out on what experience that could happen is that Ennis adduction is he deleting from the process yeah what I'm really getting at is there's no period of her wandering does she like him feeling that she has to impress him checking a phone and see if he texts back calling up her girlfriend going does he like me I don't know how things working out I'm not sure he Rob's her of the feeling that she has to work to impress him that she has to earn his approval that she's wondering if they're the right couple for each other and he drove stuck like dived straight into then basically being married for 10 days and it's not that you can't go on fun little holidays with girls you just met it's that jumping straight into ten days with anyone who's kind of insane already so there was a lot of in this story a lot of nice guy behaviors in a guy who on the surface seems alpha seems like he has it together seems like a catch so when you order reflect on that in your own lives you know because a lot of guys I coach they fit into that category that's successful in their career they fit they've got a good social life and they often say you know the only area that I really need help with is dating I feel like I've got all the other areas covered and women I keep it up and this is what we bring up with them that's because you're running these nice guy behaviors beneath this alpha mask that you have so this goes all the way to relationships who's stayed in a relationship too long any horror stories here [Laughter] a guy recently on one of our workshops he was with a girl for eight years I was like Jesus he's like yeah gets worse I'm like I mean well sex wasn't you know that like wasn't that what wasn't that there but you mean like once a week we stopped having sex after four years what you spent half a decade with someone that you weren't even what the hell and he's like yeah I just wanted to help her out and she was going through some stuff like you're going through some stuff Jesus cries and he's not alone a lot of guys that I've coached are in that boat they've stayed in one guy recently told me yeah I knew after six months we weren't right for each other but we were kind of living half together and we ended up staying together for two years I was like oh my god what a crime who wins out of that you know there's such a thing as a victimless crime right this is the opposite of that this is a crime where everyone loses the girl is this time the guy loses time no one wins there's no nothing to be gained apart from maybe oppressing and compressing your parents by saying well we stayed together for two years I did my best but it's a waste of time so why where does that avoiding of breakup come from it comes from the same first problem that cars cars huh avoiding confrontation they're afraid to sit there woman down and go look we're not right for each other this isn't working when I'm hoping each other grow who's read the way of the superior man by David yo I saw a video where he's doing couples counseling and he says to this couple are you committed to a woman the guy says yes he says I committed to a spiritual growth and the guy says yes and he goes are you committed to her or your spiritual her spiritual growth more and he's like what do you mean by that he goes what if the thing that would help her to grow the most spiritually was leaving her was allowing her to move on to discover who else she is are you committed to that and he's like oh suddenly has to admit in front of a whole room of people that maybe they should break up and sometimes that's the most powerful thing so again doesn't mean you have to be an asshole and leave a woman it means that sometimes the nicest thing you can do is leaving the kindest thing you can do is leave for yourself first and for the woman so now we move on to the second area giving to get have a classic a nice guy example of this you're noting in the back what what comes up for you did you have a did you resonate with that alright okay cool so giving to get is connected firstly to the nice guys stereotype of the friendzone who's being in the friendzone before and I'm sure you guys will realize that girls don't put men in the friendzone men put themselves in the friendzone by acting like a friend because that's the trade that they're trying to create if I give you friendship if I give you a shoulder to cry on if I give you constant attention or the text if I give you coffee dates and helping you move stuff and helping you with your homework and listening when you talk about how that guy broke your heart and trying to give you the right advice like you know there's plenty of other fish in the sea in this general area but you would never say that of course cuz you're a nice guy and you respect women right but really it's a trade that you're trying to create I give this and I get respect affection love intimacy blowjobs sex power and it's a trade that both people under green to because the woman doesn't know that you want that maybe she does maybe some women do get into that trade and they know what they're doing as well but the point is it's a strategy because it doesn't work trying to get your needs met get affection respect love connection sex a girlfriend a wife by giving friendship is a really poor strategy and that's why guys end up in the friend zone this giving to get also takes the form of grandiose romantic gestures who's ever written a poem or a song or a piece of artwork for a woman hoping that they would notice what an amazing guy you were how creative you were and with a lot of these nice guy behaviors I want to make this clear it's not the behaviors themselves that are necessarily bad it's not that writing a song for your girlfriend is a bad thing that can be a beautiful expression of your passion some of the greatest artworks were dedicated to a woman but it's the thought that doing that therefore somehow is going to get you sex in return that's where the problem comes it's the intention behind it so I've done that in my life I've written songs for girls hoping they would see what a sweet guy was and hoping that they would see how much effort I had invested in them what am I giving really I'm giving my creative focus I'm giving my time my energy hoping that they will then give me back love and the up thing about this is it elevates the woman in your might both your minds to the level of a princess you start to see her as perfect she is so amazing and the poem is about all the way she walks and the way she moves and she's at literally an angel walking on this earth and you start to create this false image in your mind of her as an angel do you think she sees herself as an angel she sees herself as a person with flaws sometimes she's jealous sometimes she's angry someday she has a period some days she has a fat day some days she's lazy and then this guy comes along that's telling her that she's an angel and she's like retarded I'm not an angel I'm a person the guy is buying into this idea that she is this perfect woman and she can see that if he can't see that she's in actually just a person a flawed individual that he's deluded and the thing is she wants to be treated like a princess and like an angel by a guy who actually discovers that about her who actually sees her for all her flaws and sees everything about her and still he's able to see her as having earned the title of princess of having worked to impress him of having displayed her qualities and having convinced him that she is a princess not that he just looks at her and goes wow she's hot oh my god she's a princess so the third area of a nice guy behavior is seeking approval and again there's nothing wrong with seeking approval it's not that that is inherently bad I mean we all seek approval and respect from up he is and from our family but it's when your entire identity is based on only the perceptions of other people only what they think and every behavior that you do every single action is built on trying to convince other people that you're this great guy that's when it becomes a problem and I think that a lot of it comes from nice guys feeling in themselves that they are flawed they know that they get jealous they know they get aggressive and angry who's ever just wanted to punch someone in the face who's gone more extreme and when it fantasize about taking a brick and smashing someone's face but then was socialized to repress that part of ourselves who's ever looked at a go and thought I would like to her right now I don't even want to know her name but you can't admit that right because that makes you a sexual animal so who's ever felt really shitty and tired and don't feel like talking to anyone but you had to put on a fake smile at work or at a party and you know you're being paid to do that nice guys live in that mode all the time they're constantly creating this persona that they have to put on so it's like they know they're a flawed individual they know they have violent impulses they don't have sexual impulses they know that sometimes they irritable and catty and they hate people and they have vengeful jealous thoughts and they feel shame about that part of themselves so they create this fake shiny plastic personality they're just it's a great guy you know always helps out friendly helpful and and in a way what they're doing is they're using other people's reaction to that to convince other people that they are this great friendly shiny good honest guy and it's just they don't really believe it themselves because they know that inside they are a boiling pit of anger and rage they are a hot cauldron of oil resentment and bitterness and violent thoughts frustration waiting to explode it any day but they're gonna keep up with the happy smile and the cheerio and the good stuff so that's why this approval seeking behavior comes from and on a recent workshop there was a guy and we met up first thing he does is goes mian mian mian mian mian and i was like okay he's offering breath mates to everyone nothing wrong with that he does it again an hour later and I was like dude please there's a shop right there we're all adults we own earn money if we wanted mean so we could get mints and then we go to a restaurant after you know no after you he holds the door for everyone and that was when I noticed this is the pattern for him he's constantly seeking everyone's approval and one of the things that I love about my job is that I get to be really honest with people because that's what they pay me for they want to know what are their flaws what are the areas of their personality that no one else will ever tell them so I get to tell people you blink in a really weird way when you're nervous you have a lot of weird mannerisms or in this guy's case everything you do is send it around trying to make everyone like you handing out the mints holding the doors open putting on that fake smile and we can all feel it and it feels disgusting it's like an octopus is ejaculating sperm all over your body and you're just covered in a slime I once told another guy when I talk to you it feels like a squid is my ear because your voice is so sleazy sound like an whose cos says oh yeah great and I was like Jesus Christ so yeah I get to tell people that and they really appreciate it because otherwise they would have gone on another two three five decades of their life having these behavioral patterns they don't even recognize they're doing and it's awesome to watch them towards the end of the workshop and he pull out the means and he take one and be like you guys by urine mints and he was just joking around but I was like that's him that's the real person and this is an important thing for everyone to understand the nice guy behaviors are not your actual personality they're a behavioral strategy that I plus it on top of who you actually are they're a manipulation tool to try and get something from people so he stopped doing the mints and he actually still has the mint with one thing left and he says he keeps in his pocket every day when he finds himself doing that behavior he rattles it and he remembers me telling him to stop and I'm like awesome so another example was a guy who came to us for coaching and he showed James this photo of Danville's Aryan style guy only got two chicks popping bottles and he's like that's what I want I want to be that guy I'm like okay we can tell you how to get those women but that strategy is only gonna work if you're a trust-fund baby and I said all right and the way he used to walk and talk he had the suit he had a hot watch he always picked me up for the coaching this is back when I was broke I didn't even have a car I'm just starting out he picked me up in his Mercedes to take me to the hottest club in town and he even had a pass card membership card to this hottest VIP section in the hottest club in town and I was like okay and I tried to explain to him like dude I used to pick up girls when I literally looked homeless the Soudan stuff is good but the fact that you think that's the main thing you need to work on that he was like all right and he thought all right I want to explore this deeper so he came on eurotool and yura tour is an intense experience because imagine five coaches all pushing your buttons and poking and towards the end James sat him down he said all right look dude we gotta have this talk your whole personality is built on trying to show that you're a success financially the watch you wear the way you say things like 2k instead of $2,000 that little snappy thing all the words you use he's trying to create this image of you as this rich guy and he's the crazy thing I forgot to say this before when I went back to see him just before you're a tool I did another bit of coaching with him and he picked me up in this piece-of-shit car like a 95 Corolla or whatever and I got in and I was like where's your other car he's like I said that dad's dad's driving it I was like Oh what did you let your car your dad say cause he's just at home like what's your dad doing at your place anyone guess what he said next it wasn't his place and it wasn't his car he had been fooling me for a year picking me up in his Mercedes it was his dad's Mercedes and he lived at home he was like 28 and working a full-time job I was like what the so then I'm back on euro tour James laid into him and he said dude your whole personality is built around this and he started crying and having this huge emotional release which is awesome I mean it's rare for men to get an opportunity to actually release emotion in this modern world so easy for social circles to be built of bros who knock each other down anytime any one of them shows weakness who had a friend in high school that if you went like this when you were walking there first thing they were to do would be loft I don't have a friend like that why you guys are lucky that was what a lot of my high school was was like everyone trying to cut each other down everyone looking for any sign of weakness and I'm really blessed now to being a social circle where all the men support each other and I think you guys are lucky to be in a room like this today full of guys who were positive and was supportive so this guy was having this crying attack and then for the next two days it was like he was taking ecstasy pills he was so excited because this whole world of possibility had opened up beyond I'm trying to pretend that I'm Gordon Gekko from Wall Street all the time beyond trying to seek approval by showing how rich and successful an and the thing that really got him was when James said you can't win women using the money game because you get a car some other guys got a boat you get a boat some other guys got two boats you get two boats some others got an island there's always gonna be someone with more money you have to develop the interpersonal skill to create that relationship beyond the money so his story was one that's pretty common with a lot of guys that we work with - a lot of them went to an all-boys school and then an all-boys university and then into a male-dominated career and often it was the career that parents chose whose done made a career choice or a university choice trying to impress their parents trying to do and seek approval for them that's literally living your entire life based on what you think they want from you and yeah we got a lot of guys quitting their jobs after coming to coaching with us for that reason or changing careers or making some of the lifestyle James lifestyle changes that James talked about so now I want to talk about how to do a confrontation because that's an important skill for a man to have to be able to look another man in the eye on confront him now first thing you need to do is do it in private and this is partly because people will react very strangely if they feel like they're being criticized by a group and it's also because it shows that you've taken the time to actually resolve this matter alone if you are waiting on because that's the thing as so many guys do they let all the anger build up and build up and build up and they don't say anything then say anything like a pressure cooker so don't leave there at a restaurant and the girlfriend says something and they snap during a supermarket and they snap on public transport at a party they let it boil over instead of resolving so doing it alone and using phrases like when you do this it makes me feel like this as opposed to your this kind of person so I'm gonna give you guys some examples of these first one was I pay my gym trainer $100 an hour because he's amazing and we're in the gym doing squats and some old guy comes over and starts criticizing my squat technique and saying oh you learn how to do it you gotta break you back you're it up and for a moment I'm just resting me trying to catch my breath my trance thoughts engaging this guy and discussing the merits of different squatting techniques and I was like sitting there thinking wait a minute I'm paying this guy a hundred bucks now what is that like a dullest sixty a minute or something five minutes is a lot of money I didn't come here to have a discussion about squatting with a stranger I came here to Train I came here to push myself came here to physically engage my body not engage my brain and I pay my trainer because I trust him to know what's good for my body so I walked over and I said okay thanks for your opinion but I trust my trainer we're gonna get back to squatting goodbye William back to squatting so the reason that that was so powerful is because what is the lifetime effect of accumulating those moments where you don't speak out where you don't assert a boundary where you don't let someone know that they're crossing into your space imagine if I had just stood there for 20 minutes while you that guys talk to my trainers head off ah blah blah blah Romanian squats blah blah blah I'm just standing there like what the am I paying a hundred bucks an hour for and that's something that can just destroy your whole life people in your family at family gatherings talking down to friends tasing you some woman talking talking your ear off parading you're pushing your buttons and then you just never asserting your boundaries and it just chews into your life and your energy and your focus and the thing is to that old guy maybe I look like and also maybe I look like I was really rude because I basically just said we don't want to talk to you leave us alone and that's the thing that you have to be able to do you have to be able to sit in a confrontation and accept that sometimes you're going to look like a con sometimes people won't like you and that's okay that's at the core of social freedom when I'm coaching guys we make them do drills in public where people are going to look at them like they're freaks I want them to be to look as weird as a homeless person not because I think that I want them to act crazy or piss other people off not because I want to can negative intention like those prank videos that you say online I hate that I like social freedom pranks that make people smile that are at the expense of the student so one of the ones I get them to do this is a homework thing you guys can all do stand like this on a park bench for two minutes and just see what you feel in your body when you do that you feel all kinds of bubbling up and all kinds of thoughts racing through your head everyone thinks I'm crazy and maybe some people do good let them think that that's a really strong way to learn how to avoid confrontation sorry to step into feeling okay with being confronted so another story took a girl on a date with a group of friends was sitting in a circle friend of a friend comes in some dude with one of those hats you know there's hats that you can just tell the guy's a sleazebag and uh he goes hey and when he gets around to egg shakes her hand stands her up spins her around it says nice shoes and sits down and I was like all right whatever I started talking to where up I put a box him out keep talking to my girl later on my friend overhears him in the line for the toilet saying hey what's up with you and that Australian guy you guys a thing or what so he very clearly knows that we're there together but he's moving in on and so then what happens next was horrifying we'd go outside and waiting in line for a taxi he's joking around he's putting his hat on ahead and playing with all the big groups going to a club we get in a taxi I'm just sitting there silently raging as he's touching a leg and like it's whispering in her ear and like but he's making it like it's all a game you know my god I just wanted to check out the fabric of your pants we get to the club I gotta take a piss and I come back he's dancing with her not even good but he's doing all these moves I'm like hey let's go outside for a smoke guess who else wants to smoke him he's got a light of two he can help her and then she's like I gotta go home now my friends here taxi leaves and I didn't got to talk to her all night how do you think I felt that night and you know what I did I texted her I said sorry bitter and angry hope you had fun with that other guy tonight now I was lying none of that happened what really happened is as soon as I found out that he said that I went outside and I said dude I'm here on a date with Neto don't talk to her again for the rest of the night and straight away he pulled out his hand and shook my hand and was like yeah dude cool and their problem so he couldn't sit in that much pressure he didn't even pretend to challenge them he was testing the boundary to see what's gonna happen if I try and take this guy's go and I drew a very clear boundary don't talk to her and he straight away respected that that's what people often do as soon as you draw a clear boundary they'll respect it but if you never assert that boundary how can you expect them to know where it is or to not overstep it so again what's the accumulative effect of living your whole life in those moments of just that frustration of watching her sleeves on to wear and him drawing you into a little conversation where you can't quite resolve it another example we run roleplay classes with female coaches and I'm really proud of that that we involve women as much as we can in our seduction coaching and one of the things that we do is we get guys to practice eye contact body language how to touch how to get in close and it's really great because it's an opportunity for them to step into all these new behaviors into that confrontational moment of looking at women in the eye and holding silence into saying something sexual while you're talking to her to touching her in a way that you might have thought was creepy a lot of our clients love doing that because they get to experiment with that in a safe environment where the woman's not going to throw a drink in their face I'll slap them so one of these girls that we hired another girl came and told me I don't think she works well with the group she's very catty she belittles the other girls in front of everyone and she doesn't create a safe environment for the guys so we had to let her go now I was the one who had to do this and I told her it's time for you to go we don't think you're working well with this and the important thing that I did was I took responsibility for the fact that I was firing her I didn't say that other girl doesn't like you sorry I really like you still friends right bro but uh forgot to let you go sorry it's not my fault I said we're gonna let you go I didn't blame anyone that's another nice guy trait not taking responsibility trying to shift the blame to someone else because again they don't want to be perceived as the bad guy another example two guys who are living with us cool guys always paid they're on a time friendly fun one of them was overseas they weren't part of the company and I come home and on the way home I know that I have to tell them they both have to move out because we needed to move in our camera team and Shay into the house so I'm going to go home and tell this guy okay you and your friend who's overseas you both go to vacate your rooms and I get home look up the stairs and guess who's there the guy who had just come back from overseas and they're wearing pirate house surprise we're back we're gonna have an amazing summer they start raining they've already written down lists of movies we're all gonna watch together I've got special drinks mix have a dream man I've got the corn chips and soda and they're celebrating and I'm like but I had to do it because what else is there gonna do email them and then the next day see them in the kitchen and get me ammo yeah get out of the house so I just told him look guys this sucks but we're making changes in the house we're gonna move in the camera team this is a business house it's been fine living into you or give you six weeks notice we'll help you find another place but you gotta go and again I didn't blame James they didn't say oh the boss was making you guys move out I took responsibility and I said it frontal and avoided much more further problems so another example another sexual example my ex-girlfriend was still hanging out with me we were in that phase we're not sure if you're broken up yet or not we all took MDMA my cousin was throwing up in the bathroom and she was downstairs watching cartoons in bed with two other guys and you know when you're on MDA everyone means fun loving and she felt safe enough around my friends that she didn't have to worry about anyone making now this new guy in the social circle I don't think he knew the rules and he tried to finger her she was like what the you doing and so I had to confirm about it and I live with him so I sat him down and did the confrontation alone I told him how it made me felt and I told him I know that you've seen some strange things in this social circle because you know there are some people who have open relationships or maybe there's been group sex situations but this is my ex-girlfriend this is not someone that I'm open to sharing and no one in this group is allowed to go near anyone elses go without their expressed permission and that's a card that we have that when you have two if you have lived with five other sadducees you have to be very clear about what your boundaries are around other women because you have to know that you can trust the men that you're living with to not hit on your girls so I told him that and he took it and we resolved it like men sitting down talking face-to-face talking about how it made us feel imagine if I hadn't brought that up with him ever I just walked around knowing that he tried to finger my girlfriend once every conversation I'm smiling faking it but really I'm thinking about punching him you know or I emailed in instead we resolved it and it was done and now we're great friends you know he knows where the boundary is he's never gonna step that again and I told him if you do you're out of the crew you can't live with us you can't hang out with us anymore it's got to be that way and he understood that and now we've gone to make made cool movies together you know and he's a great friend so last thing I want to talk about is what is the sexual effect of being nice how do nice guys behaviors express themselves in the bedroom I want to explore a concept which is known as the wheel of exchange on one hand we have giving on the other hand we have receiving and then on this axis we have taking and allowing so with my ex-girlfriend we had a problem where she would try and give me a blowjob but for some reason I had this nice guy tendency to try and give her an erection I was trying to give her my hot dick so she was sucking my dick trying to give the correct thing to do that is to try and receive is to lay back and allow her to work on magic on my and pleasure me but instead she was trapped and giving when I was trying to give her an erection well I gave her the hot burner as a representation of the fact she was doing a good job so that meant that we were both blocking each other and another example of this the other extreme where this doesn't work is when someone who's all take a guy who just is aggressive and dominant but he just a girl for two minutes and pauses out and goes to sleep that's alpha right but that's all taking so that is another example of an unbalanced sexual exchange how are we doing for time do I do I have six minutes left oh I have one minute okay cool so it took a while for me to realize by not letting her suck my dick and me trying to like stressfully force and get my kid a boner and her face and you know like be an active participant instead of laying back and receiving the blowjob I was actually denying her an opportunity to express her sensuality she was trying to show all of this orgasmic energy she had you know trying to work her magic on my dick but instead I was trying to show her how I can get hot so both trying to like give each other something and it creates this block I had another student who had the same thing he bought a girl home and he took three hours and he was so proud of this right that he didn't rush it he just essentially touched the inside of her arm for half an hour then nibbled her ear for 20 minutes and slowly built up and had a quivering mass and finger there and licked her out and gave her multiple orgasms in three hours he didn't get hard once he didn't ask her to suck his dick he didn't spank her 18 he didn't do anything like that and he was so proud that he had like done it slowly and I said it's great that you're able to make a girl come I love that you're able to give that's an important part of sexuality but what are you denying her by giving all the time you're denying her the ability to give you something back you're blocking her to get on her knees and to submit to you and why are you doing that and this is the same guy that was in an eight-year relationship where he didn't have sex for four years classic nice guy and I said to him it's because you're afraid of rejection you're afraid that you're gonna go to finger or you're gonna go to spank her ass and anything you do that chick has a negative reaction to you're terrified of that moment so afraid to be seen as the bad guy or the sleazebag you don't want to be like your dad you don't to be like there's other assholes and I said you're not willing to take any risks so you have this slow slow pace we were just escalating like a glacier and it has one good effect which gives her orgasms but it's not a complete well-rounded seduction and he had another date with her the next night and that's what I love about coaching guys for multiple days is that you get to see them through the entire experience and I said tomorrow I want you to try and finger it in the Bob before you even go home for a drink take her for a drink and just grab her ass and try and finger it right there he's like ah what might happen like who knows maybe she'll tell you to stop and then you stop she draws a boundary you can respect that you don't have to be aggressive to the point that you're making her uncomfortable but I want you to risk that we need to risk that rejection because that's an attractive quality I'm gonna want a guy who can take a risk so and this comes back to the beautiful thing about you don't have to be an asshole you don't have to be a bad boy to make a woman feel excited the traits and qualities that all souls and bad boys have of being aggressive being dominant setting clear boundaries saying what you think risking rejection you can do all of that and still be an authentic respectful guy and he did and I said I want you to spank her on the ass I want you to pull her hair and not that you're gonna do it it's that you're going to do it and what's your reaction and see how she feels so what's happening on the wheel of exchange there is he's taking control and the opposite of taking is allowing which allows her to submit women spent so much time up in their head worrying about what am i doing in this world and how do I look stressing about their work or that what they're studying in sex it's a moment where they can just submit and just release and relinquish control and they want to allow a man to take control of them so if you're not doing that you're rubbing a woman of that experience you're actually denying her something powerful so let's look at the three areas again avoiding confrontation this is toxic because you don't set clear boundaries you don't let people know what you need and you put off things and it builds up as a pressure cooker and then one day you snap instead of dealing with it in the moment you just explode so I want you guys as homework to go and confront three people in your life sit him down and tell him what you've always wanted to say to them maybe it's a parent maybe it's a close friend maybe it's a woman in your life and let her know what you really think and how what directions how their actions make you feel giving to get I want you guys to go out and try and give five dollars to someone on the street not a homeless guy just a normal person Sasha daygame just did a video of this where he was just trying to give out free money no one wants to take it because it's creepy it's it's manipulative people can feel the slime and they could feel the slime of the fake smile and the door holding and the mint offering and the oh yes and the shoulder to cry on and the offering to do the homework and the offering to do the lifts they can feel the manipulation of all of that and it's icky and disgusting it's that the sperm of the octopus all over the face hand me a towel someone oh so I want you guys to go out try and give people five dollars and see how they react hopefully not everyone says yes and you like just lose 100 bucks but try that out and then I Wendy go and give $5 but tell someone they have to do a funny little dance first they have to show you their best dance moves because then the exchange is clear they understand why they're getting the money and the third element is seeking approval so I want you to make a list of the ways that you've tried to seek approval from your family from your friends from other men try and generate respect from women in your life maybe it's things you've studied right down to microbe behaviors smiling nodding and try and keep track of what those behaviors are and for guys who find yourself smiling too much I want you to try and not smile for the rest of this month unless someone makes you smile if someone says something funny you can laugh and then they really appreciate it a girl once said that to me I was so tired cuz I've been coaching for 10 days and she said like I wasn't smiling at all I was totally tired on the date and then she would say something funny and I go she said you're a very serious man but when you smile it feels real because like the sun is shining on my face I was like well cool so try that out see if you can go the next month confronting people giving with clear exchange and not seeking approval thank you let's give it up for Liam Bray [Applause]

Channel: 21 Studios

Views: 314,576

Rating: 4.7686472 out of 5

Keywords: 21 convention, 21 university, 21 radio, 21 studios, liam mcrae, natural lifestyles, james marshall, nice guy syndrome

Id: qcn-9L8MtrA

Length: 66min 15sec (3975 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 10 2018