The anatomy of the narcissistic BOSS

hey everyone it's Dr Ramen here welcome back to this YouTube channel have any of you ever had a narcissistic boss raise your hand mhm that's a lot of hands let's talk about it we don't talk enough about what happens when you have a narcissistic boss I think we all have a good sense of what happens and for many of you that narcissistic boss is and has been at one point in time even if it's not anymore it was a primary narcissistic relationship it's not strange to be a person who had a perfectly fine childhood and who was in a perfectly fine relationship but is in a deeply toxic work relationship right so that happens sometimes now we're going to break this down in different workplace relationships but in this video we're going to focus on the bosses because because they have more power they can probably do the most harm and this boss may be someone to whom you directly report they may be someone several levels above you they may also be a boss with whom you rarely interact but who is indirectly making your life miserable with the policies and the decisions that they make now remember narcissistic people naturally gravitate to leadership positions they like being the boss they like being the one with the power and the control now listen I want to be clear that's not to say that all people in leadership are narcissistic that's not at all true nor does it mean that people who are drawn to leadership are narcissistic either some people just really they believe in something they won't have that role but narcissistic people may disproportionately lead into leadership they want to be the boss they're often terrible leaders because being the boss means more responsibility they don't want the responsibility they just want the power now there are different things that make a narcissistic boss now some of this was captured by someone named Jean Litman blumen who wrote about some of these themes in her book and we will have links to her book in the video notes for those of you want to explore it more and some of what she writes about captures some of the top notes of what makes a toxic leader or narcissistic boss right and I think we can add some things to her list too so the first thing that she points out is a lack of Integrity now we know that Integrity ain't a narcissistic person strong suit they have none they claim to have a lot though which in a way is even worse because they actually believe that they are honorable leaders they will make a promise to your face and then reneg and let's say you get a little suspicious or have good instincts and say to that leader hey great I'm so glad we're in agreement can we put that in writing that leader will double down and Gaslight you and say really you know me better than that do we need all that nonsense s and the lawyers and the paper you know I'm good for it well no they're not they lack all integrity and by you not getting it in writing you they will screw you over they will think nothing of fattening their bonuses and screwing over people lower on the hierarchy in the workplace they will make institutional level promises and then claim some budget BS on why they didn't follow through the lack of Integrity sort of repres presents a mashup of the narcissistic leaders natural lack of empathy their entitlement their callousness they would sell the family dog if that will get them what they want now if you think close your eyes for a minute think about a toxic boss that you've had you got to tell me right without exception that lack of Integrity really stood out to you and it'll be even more ging because many a narcissistic leader often leads on a platform about what an honorable and ethical person that they are secondly they lie and narcissistic leaders lie a lot so that obviously relates to the lack of Integrity but it goes deeper they lie and they gas light a great example of a toxic leader Gaslight is we all need to pull together and do more with less to support the larger vision of our important work but they're never transparent about the books and they may even lie about the numbers they may lie about policies lie about what they did lie about what's going on and as a result people may feel like they're getting duped out of nowhere and the workplace just does not feel safe once again we're back with documenting right it's for this reason that documenting the hell out of what happens in a toxic workplace is so important especially in real time it's hard to go go back and remember the details at a minimum you can document what they said and then catch them in a lie but if they're toxic enough it won't do much toxic leaders will seem to have big Ambitions and goals that are grandiose but they aren't about the larger success of the business or organization but rather to aize themselves they'll say the kinds of things like I'm going to be the CEO who oversaw more first quarter sales than any other CEO in this industry it's not as much about how everyone came together to make those sales happen it's about them I'm going to be the one who was the CEO and it's not just in business videos that might be up on a website about the institution whether it's a university or a hospital or even a nonprofit will show them as some sort of Savior in the video short of everything but a Halo it's here that the communal narcissistic folks are in their ground game actually presenting themselves as the person who will forever change the world or some such nonsense all while employee satisfaction and morale may be really low but that toxic leader would never noticed that or would blame those people for their own misery toxic bosses Foster backstabbing and triangulated work cultures they play favorites they reward people for sharing secrets for Gathering ing gossip and rewarding the folks who come back with the dirty Intel toxic and narcissistic bosses will figure out who they can silence and will often use what I typically think of as a cult leader tools they do things like collect collateral they figure out an employee Secrets or they bail that employee out of a scandal or a tricky position and hold that over them and forever expect that person to do their bidding they basically C cash in on that and really do have that employee in their thrall forever narcissistic bosses will turn people against each other and create a workplace where ultimately nobody knows whom they can trust in these workplaces you may witness employees who do not make complaints for fear of being in the boss's crosshairs and that colleagues who break rules never face consequences so it gets very murky very unjust and again very triangulated narcissistic and toxic leaders set up a workplace that is kind of always on edge where the fear of intimidation is around the next corner and where most people are demoralized I'm a Lord of the Rings fan so I can only liken this to the dark eye of Sauron remember that on Lord of the Rings people attempt to avoid the cursed eye of the toxic boss and will hide and live in fear of this kind of Boss coming for them and this kind of workplace can silence any kind of innovation or growth because people just want to keep their heads down and the status Co stable and keep the leader happy everyone knows in these kinds of situations it's a matter of time before they will have to face the Wrath of the toxic boss or the people in their Inner Circle and lots of people people are just sort of trying to keep it going year over year to make sure they get their bonus for that year or don't get hacked narcissistic leaders allow ow cultures of harassment and basically cultures of violating the fundamental human rights of people who work there consistently this can mean that people especially those with less power in a workplace know that no matter what harm comes to them that there's no recourse and any whistleblower in those situations would be taking a massive chance I was recently reading a news story about a woman who had been harassed for years by a person who was more senior than her and her organization she put in numerous complaints and various people in the organization just simply doubted her despite there being a documented history on the perpetrator past history of perpetration both in his personal life and in the workplace the leadership was so focused on giving this perpetrator a second chance and it makes you wonder what the guy at the top of that place was trying to hide that this woman had to she that woman and others in that workplace had to endure this guy's abuse for years he kept getting away with it and getting more and more emboldened narcissistic leaders don't know how to give feedback instead of feedback focused on what you need to improve or how you were doing the criticism from a toxic narcissistic leader tends to be personal and cruel this can feel awful because not only do you have no idea what what will lead you to succeed or improve but you are just left feeling horrible about yourself and because of their inappropriate boundaries it would not be unusual for them to even share their negative feedback about you with other people toxic and narcissistic leaders also don't sort of bring up or Advance other people in the organization they may have their minions and their enablers but what they don't have are people who could step into important roles narcissistic and toxic leaders often want a lot of space between them and the next level down they are not open with information in a way that someone else could fully understand how the organization runs it's almost like everyone just has a piece of the story about how the business or organization runs so it allows that narcissistic leader leer to remain squarely in control it may seem like there are people that that narcissistic leader favors but make no mistake even when they do those people that they favor are simply the people who do their bidding and they are not the people who are being prepared for bigger roles no one is getting prepared for a bigger role and if there is a narcissistic leader anyone who is not a source of Supply who is not the leader's cheerleader or enabler or flying monkey will not have access to any opportunities for growth or advancement no matter how excellent they are narcissistic leaders future fake and move the goal posts back to what we already said it's because they lack integrity and they lie and they're grandiose they don't follow through and they may keep you on the Chain by a promise of New Opportunities or other things that you're hoping for if you're just patient and gut it out for one more quarter one more year and they do this to everyone one work more and then there might be more raises or bonuses you just got to work harder with less for a little while and then there are those promises of those resources coming or more staff if you just tough it out but the promises never materialize and nothing was ever in writing and you can't get that year back narcissistic and toxic leaders also do things like love bomb basically especially if they're trying to hire or recruit you for a position and they'll tell you nonsense about how it's all of family and blah blah blah and you may actually really believe it especially if it's a company with a good reputation or in an industry um that's really hard to break into a high Prestige industry and the charm and the Charisma of that narcissistic leader early on or their accomplishments to date on paper or Awards they've gotten at least can leave you thinking for a time that you're lucky so when you start seeing those toxic patterns you may start falling into the maybe it's me like I mean maybe I'm just not trying hard enough here or I'm going to prove this person wrong I'm going to work harder or you may fall into the shame in one of these workplaces of feeling complicit because if you did get into that toxic Leader's Inner Circle yeah it might it was heart survival but there can also be tremendous self-blame when you realize the harm this leader is doing and narcissistic leaders Foster cultures of mediocrity no matter how hard they ride everyone nobody wants to take risks nobody will get credit you learn that your work will get stolen and if you're too Innovative well that's going to threaten the narcissistic Leader's fragile ego over time the mediocres who align with the narcissistic leader and become their yes people are the ones who are sort of advanced or get more air time and empty titles or better office space but because more and more mediocrities being supported and advanced what was perhaps once a place you were proud to work in become sort of basic and Hollow narcissistic leaders can derail and frankly destroy careers some people may entirely leave Industries because of it Others May find that the stress and mental health impacts meant long-term disability and burnout others may feel like it is a replay of Early Childhood Dynamics or a parallel to what is happening in their narcissistic relationships at home but make no mistake these toxic narcissistic bosses often run rough shod for years while Boards of directors and trustees and other leaders who the narcissistic leader may have managed to charm and trick or just other stakeholders keep giving them a free pass a second chance and embold them emboldening them more and more and more you're kidding yourself if you think you can Outlast the narcissistic leadership at some point the toll on you will be so great that the time served is no longer worth it so you got to ask yourself do I want to stay in this and keep serving over pieces of my soul every single year or do I want to get out if you're lucky you might be in one of those cases where the narcissistic boss leaves on your watch most people aren't that lucky and just as a reminder my new book comes out in February you can check it out online and if you feel so inclined please give it a pre-order thanks so much

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 53,525

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Id: marQriyYulo

Length: 15min 47sec (947 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 10 2023