Tales From TheVarus

[Music] inhale i can finally breathe again it must be over scanning for traces of human life 5g scanners activate nothing detected the species homo sapien is extinct it's time to fulfill my purpose executing operation ice let me brief you on how the world ended actually the details are a bit foggy but it's believed that batman was eating soup with his hands at a chinese restaurant when someone coughed on the croutons january 2020 the virus is spreading across the globe all right now everyone just pops over down and we win sweet and everyone was amped to start panicking oh my god the virus tm is everywhere in your country in your homes in your cereal better not touch that door handle better not touch your face don't touch me breathe somewhere else vector people said oh i suppose it is kind of cute though no i must resist guys does anyone else feel like the air in here is kind of chunky how do i take my white cell count these ones all look red you get the idea so naturally rumors started to spread and the first one was about toilet paper hey um i heard that here in australia 90 of our toilet paper is produced in china maybe that means there'll be no new stock so the public went out to grab an extra pack then the news story started coming in about the lockdown fears realized so they grabbed two packs no one knew how long the lockdown would last either better grab three [Music] four just in case and everyone had that same concern within the week stocks on shelves were getting noticeably low and from there it was self-perpetuating bathroom paper was suddenly the hottest commodity in town petrol stations corner stores major chain supermarkets everybody was out then of course photos shared on social media and broadcast on television of empty shelves just amplified the hysteria again i just want one pack to which the media said don't buy it but also it is running out but don't stock up but who knows when new stock is coming but don't you hoard but it may be many weeks before you can get more the messaging to the public was a little mixed you're saying to the nation this morning ally stay calm don't go and do it race out there and get it so that you're not then as stock completely depleted people were becoming desperate every store i go to every day every city and every hour of every day you're just find completely empty shelves fights broke out between those who had none and those who had too much it was chaos in the isles round one fight [Music] the australian toilet roll crisis had reached critical mass people were threatening to [ __ ] in the store and someone even pulled a knife [Music] the ceo of australia came out and said it's been one of the most disappointing things i've seen in australian behaviour in response to this crisis but that scalding did little to quell the frenzy so the media published articles informing people that actually this is all fake news and 60 of australia's toilet paper is produced domestically but that also didn't quell the frenzy so supermarkets enacted a one-pack per person rule but frenzies cannot be quelled and so that's when the price online soared amazon ebay gumtree toilet paper was everywhere first for double the price then triple then things just went wild 10 packs single rolls a few pieces of three ply all for crazy prices people went from selling it by the pack to selling it by the gram [Music] and the rest of us who couldn't afford it had to get creative but fear not citizen here come the [Music] heroes one of australia's state newspapers swooped in with a special edition to save the day it featured eight blank pages at the back just in case by the way this was after an australian family had accidentally made a massive online order they thought they were getting 48 rolls wrong they were getting 48 boxes and soon they had become the de facto royalty of australia they built a throne with the boxes and sat aloft it [Music] i found the crown of australia in the gutter he said and i picked it up but for the rest of us common folk thievery was the only answer we began stealing from public toilets we began stealing from work a new survey has found one in three aussies has stolen toilet paper from work to use at home some started stealing from hotels stealing from cars stealing from the blind even animals were stealing it's a pretty good memes and just as some relief was coming thank god a new shipment but that truck burned down fire crews rescued what roles they could the rest left charred and soggy fascinatingly a problem which began in and was specific to australia was soon spreading to the rest of the world despite the circumstances being completely different in fact stats time in most countries the majority of toilet paper is actually produced locally toilet paper is cheap but bulky meaning is expensive to ship relative to its retail value so domestic producers are often able to manufacture at a cost lower than their international competitors tldr unless the factories in your country shut down there isn't going to be a shortage but shut up and panic and so toilet paper became a highly profitable business and that's when organized criminal gangs moved in armed robbers in hong kong held a delivery driver at knifepoint and got away with around 600 rolls 18 000 pounds of toilet paper was stolen from this lorry and this and this and this and many more but it's time to move on after about four weeks with consumption steady and everyone only having one asked wipe and supply increasing to compensate toilet paper returned to shelves the balance was restoring the shots were healing which meant it was time to panic about something else [Music] 5g time so you think it's a virus that's cute let me fill you in on the scoop rookie see that tower over there now look at this coincidence five g's five fingers five sides to a pentagram playstation 5. awful lot of coincidences lining up wouldn't you say and social media agreed with these indisputable facts such as i have headache it was only inevitable that the word would spread like a wildfire it was time for the 5g squad to leap into action uh gweneth paltrow that lady from that movie alien people began protesting the 5g towers [Applause] and the destruction was extensive i had no idea really until i started digging but in the uk over 50 towers were vandalized with set ablaze in a single month reported by april 39 servicing engineers had been attacked on the job you know when they turn this on it's going to kill everyone and that's why they're building the hospitals in north carolina one woman just started opening fire on a couple of technicians there were two workers up on the tower when the shots rang out a third worker on the ground ran up into this area and that's where he called for help the two men were okay but when police came she armed herself with two axes and barricaded herself in her home did you shoot at a cell tower worker man she's out on bond and she's had the weapons confiscated new 5g stimulate your senses in auckland new zealand at least a dozen five g's have been vandalized or set ablaze mysterious fires have hit 15 cell towers in the last six weeks in the netherlands 16 reports of more in ireland cyprus and belgium counter terrorist police are getting involved in australia and seven cell tower fires in montreal canada although one big problem how do you tell 5g from the regular g's you strap yourself in and feel the jews well it's not actually that easy for the untrained eye most of the destroyed towers were actually just regular ones carrying essential 2 to 4g network infrastructure causing outages for emergency services and the public naturally youtube and facebook started cracking down on the 5g conspiracy groups and banning everyone and the movement has gone somewhat underground oh my god they're in on it alongside false causes came false cures no vaccine yet no problem here's a list of placebos that'll get you patched up high dose infusions of vitamin c silver solution touching your tv kissing a shrine spiritual vaccines plant set in the eye special mattress cow urine cow dung camel urine a cotton ball soaked in violet oil in the anus miracle mineral solution drinking fish tank cleaner eating fruit that looks like the virus treatment packs toothpaste the biocharger ng subtle energy platform tm vegetarianism virus shutout protection pendants healthy living radionics machine schweinstein ganglion injecting house cleaner hand cream garlic banunus alcohol water ginger lemon mangoes durian onions it's everything everything and anything is apparently a cure but who needs cures i've got something better add time soon soon we will be together they are ready for you mr vpn welcome back today we're looking at nordvpn gather round everyone here's my girlfriend well a friend she's my girlfriend but i'm not her boyfriend it's complicated point is she doesn't use nordvpn if she did she could access international catalogues from her favorite streaming services oh [ __ ] get down now let's pretend that this window is her computer's security look how easily i can just snatch up all their data jackpot if she had used nordvpn we wouldn't be looking at all her personal photos hey look at this one oh [ __ ] we're busted everyone cheese it [Applause] oh nice now imagine this was you and imagine this was a three-year plan with seventy percent offers a three extra month he won't stop i need to buy tickets and leave the country oh no no not again public wi-fi isn't safe encrypt your browsing with your vpn no sweat i can see from her browsing history that she is going to japan [Music] finally some peace there's no way he can find me here in japan really an airbnb's wi-fi don't you know how dangerous that is also there's access to international content how did he find me they're biting me help ah snake this wouldn't have happened if you were doing east norway p.m the lockdown had some interesting carryovers on the agricultural sector let's talk about the sexy topic of food supply you can roughly break goods into two categories commercial and retail with all the restaurants and a ton of manufacturing shutdown the commercial side came to a grinding halt half of the stock had nowhere to go maybe we could just send it to the supermarkets no can do you have to repackage process and deliver all of that stuff before the new expiration date and with a limited workforce then you'd have to get the supermarkets to agree to take all that extra stock and meanwhile people aren't going to simply buy twice as many groceries so either it rots on the shelves or the price drops below cost what's the point so there's a big surplus the supply chain had broken by week one of the lockdown farmers all around the country are looking at their billions of dollars of quickly expiring crop with no one to take it from them and they know that by next week they'll have double that amount sandra uh how many eggs do we eat a week huh probably ten why hmm that means our leftovers are gonna be about three quarters of a million eggs well i don't want 750 000 chickens i guess there's only one thing to do so the farmers began neutralizing their crops it was a slaughter oh my cabbage millions of pounds of onions were buried alive in idaho farmers stopped making grain and started making donuts donuts on their tractors all over the field turning everything to compost cabbages were being ravaged the potatoes weren't being atowed boo i have potato blood in my veins squash were being compressed the dairy farmers of america estimated that 3.7 million gallons of milk were being dumped every day but once the farmers had destroyed their crops of course they had to immediately plant new ones because demand could come back and you wouldn't want to get caught a whole crop cycle behind the market so the cycle would repeat and repeat and repeat until everything returned to normal [Music] zoom so everyone was locked in their houses but work school and life had to carry on what's 9 10 and that's where zoom came in simple to use able to host up to 100 people per meet millions moved over to zoom and it skyrocketed to number one in the app store companies and educational institutions all jumped on the zoom train too why not it was so easy all you needed was the room key even the boomers could use it can you see my dog t look i can change the background oh my god did he fall these are some of my friends from high school okay okay everyone i'll see you on wednesday but many weren't used to having a camera pointed at them for long periods some even forgot they were being watched and like or didn't know that the camera had turned on at all and then someone had a brilliant idea what if i just published this room key online dude i've been in this thing for a while no one said anything hi mr knob are you joining at us if you have a breastfeeding question am i [ __ ] or [ __ ] mary dead right now bro hey it's good to see you again and what if i gave it to one of my favorite online creators perhaps some of the greatest live stream content to ever grace this hubble platform [Music] take out your number two pencils it's time to learn who is this i am a from university too mad who lets you in hey guys this is uh chris hey guys this is joe nuts are you in my class yes i have tried for student from [Music] so what are we learning today does anyone want to tell me i come to class late and no one wants to tell me why why don't we reason you're in the wrong section there bro i'm part of zoom i'm an employee of zoom uh-huh you're gonna have to press alt and f4 at the same time on your keyboard to fix your room because it's currently public i don't do that don't do that you guys are gonna start the next revolution in america we hope i mean we can definitely use one rabbidusha i like the sound of that how do you get a man it was hunter hunter let me in hunter hudson why did you do this yes it was don't nod you don't don't do that with your head no you did who are you what do you mean who am i i'm overwhelmed on your deathbed and you let me through the gate where the heck is that oh my god i don't think there is a realistic way where they could do anything about it what's two plus four uh two plus one new one all right i'm gonna wrap up this thoughts about natalie's story what does he do dude what the shotgun well history class oh hell yeah and he's lost an election twice he um he's um he's like so confused he saw the [ __ ] and he was like what okay so i'm just gonna talk about it now okay so um you guys can open up give you a minute or two to open up robert take that off your screen robert roberts gonna get some trouble [Applause] robert's probably in his room right now just [ __ ] freaking out it's like it's not me i'm robert baby robert how could you but then they had a whole bunch of controversies and a number of schools and companies stopped using the platform rip even though the stock price keeps going up [Music] with people locked in their homes nature was allowed to return to the unoccupied streets the healing had begun real happy world satellite imagery showed pollution levels dropping everywhere the canals of venice were changing from their usual feculent brown to a vibrant blue as boats were docked and silt could resettle from their windows residents could see fish algae and other sea life returned to the waters but that wasn't all animals saw the free real estate and began migrating into the cities and towns sheep and whales took back the town and ruled over it with an iron hoof hungry monkeys in thailand took to the city square as the tourists who usually fed them disappeared giant ducks were seen in london alligators in florida were once again using the roads rats in new orleans were no that's normal otters in singapore oh my god are we the virus human beings are a disease that is profound dude dude maybe we will the real corona all along nature returned to new york for the first time since it was established 65 million bc we even had a good fake out on an extinct species the malabar civet which hasn't been seen for 30 years oh my god although it turns out it was just a regular sick indian civic scooters were returning to the riverways nil guy haven't heard of that cows had begun returning to the ocean cats was seen by some in london to a limited audience sambar were incorrectly using zebra crossings and giraffes had returned to the cities nature is healing [Music] namaste anyway i'm busy that's the lesson here's a multi-tool good luck out there please close the door behind you thank you goodbye oh my god is this mars this is one hell of a twist i know right oh my god it's elon musk yes a double swiss welcome home x oh my god it's a triple twist video over the next one's almost done give me two weeks have you heard of incognito mode it's basically the main channel now new video every month there too look at this production quality keep track of video progress on trello thank you patient patrons thank you nordvpn man thank you editing team thank you obama for guest voice thank you neil druckmann for the worst sequel since world war ii and thank you for watching

Channel: undefined

Views: 4,910,487

Rating: 4.969614 out of 5

Keywords: toilet paper, nature, food supply

Id: 2rRIqrWuYy4

Length: 23min 40sec (1420 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 31 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Lapiz_lasuli]

I think that was the best ad I have ever seen.

[u/Heraclitus94]

This has been the weirdest fucking year. The toilet paper panic feels like an eternity ago

[u/HoLYxNoAH]

The amount of effort he puts into these videos is amazing. Funny as shit too. I needed some humor mocking this year, so thanks mr. internet.

[u/untipoquenojuega]

The 5g conspiracy thing has got to be one of the stupidest things to come out of modern history

[u/Obanon]

It's almost a weird feeling seeing stuff about your home country here after being almost entirely bombarded with US content for so long.

It feels so much more familiar and comfortable. Also, I just love the Internet Historian. He's fab.

edit: also holy shit, he's really catering to my age bracket. so many memes/jokesI've not thought about in years. How could I forget so entirely about teen girl squad?

[u/friedchickenshit]

what the fuck was that VPN ad, he just made a commercial a part of his content lol

[u/stopmotionporn]

Squash are being compressed.

Oohhh, you little bastard.

[u/DoctorFunkenstein420]

Return of the King 👑

[u/GoiterGlitter]

There were real issues behind toilet paper. Commercial toilet paper had surplus because demand drastically dropped. Demand for home rolls increased drastically and they're different products.

It was a hiccup bound to happen amplified by selfish resellers and hoarders.