[MUSIC PLAYING] MIKE ABRAMS: Welcome to
today's Talk at Google. My name is Mike Abrams. And I'll be moderating
our event today. If you are watching
the live stream, we'll be taking
questions at the end. So please add your questions
throughout the discussion. But let's jump in. Today's guest is
Susan McPherson. She is a serial connector,
a seasoned communicator, and the founder and CEO of
McPherson Strategies, which is a communications
consultancy focused on the intersection of
brand and social impact. She's also the author of
"The Lost Art of Connecting, The Gather, Ask, Do Method
for Building Meaningful Relationships," which is what
she is here today to discuss. So welcome, Susan. SUSAN MCPHERSON: I am
thrilled to be here. Thank you so much, Mike. MIKE ABRAMS: I am
excited to talk to you. I really enjoyed the book. And I want to start
with about writing a book during a pandemic, and
writing a book about networking during a pandemic. So I want to hear a little
bit about what inspired you to tackle this project. SUSAN MCPHERSON: Wow. Well, I should, first of
all, thank you for having me and thank you to Google. I'm an avid user,
I'm sure like many of the guests you
bring on board. The book was actually conceived
four years ago, or at least the topic. And for anyone
listening, we know it takes a long time once you
get the green light to actually to the point of writing. And the original
notion of the book was my reaction to the fact
that we had become slaves to the clicks, and the likes,
and the followers as a means to measure our success in
terms of building connections, building community, networking. And also, a friend of
mine had said to me back then that when she took her
son and daughter to the school bus to send them on their way,
she would hug them goodbye. And she would watch
them get up on the bus, sit in their respective seats,
and as soon as they sat down, their heads dropped down to
look at their handheld devices. And guess what? Every other child on the school
bus was looking down as well. And I thought to
myself, as important as technology is, this is
not a good way to be going. And where was the heart? Where was the humanity
in at all if we were just going to be connecting
electronically? So in February of 2020,
I started to write. And then March came along. And we all know what happened. All we had were the clicks, and
the likes, and the followers. But the good news is
throughout the eight months that I was writing the book
during this godawful time, I interviewed leaders who have
made connecting and bringing the humanity into connecting
throughout the process. And interviewing them gave
me hope, because they all, throughout this
time, were very much being intentional about how
they connected with others. So yes, very much
relying on technology but being much more intentional
about how we reach out to people, how we
reconnect with people, how we perhaps meet
people we've never met but do so with intentionality. So all in all, that's a very
long answer to it was hard. MIKE ABRAMS: Yeah. So tell me a little
bit about that pivot. I mean, you went
from one concept into a slightly
different version of it. I mean, there's a lot
of stuff that we'll get to on technology, and
the impact of the pandemic and to networking. But that sounds like
what you ended up with is a slightly
different book than what you started in February. So what was that pivot like? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Well, the good news is I was always very into
technology and very much using technology to
meet people, to connect with people, to build
community, to fundraise, all the things that we
can do with technology. So I don't want to make it seem
like it was such a big pivot. But what I think the
initial thought was I was going to be going all
over the country and actually physically meeting with
people, which I get joy of. I mean, I used to travel
120,000 miles a year. January 2020 I
went to Antarctica, so it gives you an idea
of the kind of thirst I have for traveling. So if anything, what I had to
also ratchet back to myself was, if this is all we got,
we got to make the best of it. So if anything, it
was a gift that I had something like
a book to focus on, because I have personally
been completely solo during the last 13 months. I don't have parents. I don't have children. And I don't currently
have a partner. So as you can probably already
tell in the initial five minutes, I'm not an introvert. And me, myself,
and I are getting a little tired of one another. So having the interviews
really helped. MIKE ABRAMS: Yeah. And I do think you talk a lot
in your book about your parents, and how they were
serial connectors, and just that was their
personality style and something that you thought
just was the norm. And you kind of
learn throughout that that's really not the norm
or not always the same thing. How did your
upbringing impact a lot of what went into this book? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well,
given I'm speaking at a technology company, you
may laugh at some of this. But my parents literally
every single day would, at the breakfast
table, lay out five of today's local
newspapers-- back then there were five
local newspapers-- and yesterday's New York
Times, because it would always take a day to get to upstate New
York, which is where I lived. And they would be
clipping and cutting articles that made
them think of others. My mother worked in
public relations for PBS. And my father was a professor at
a women's college for 40 years. And he would stay in touch
with students throughout the 40 years after they graduated, and
often would teach in his class later on daughters
of students and then granddaughters of students. And he would stay in touch. But their constant clipping-- and then they would go to their
respective manual typewriters and type little
short notes, and then off into the US Postal Service
these missives would go. And I assumed everybody's
parents did that. So come the late '80s when I was
coming of age professionally, I had my first fax machine. And boy, was I so
excited, because I could do that and actually,
in real time, reach people, although I have to admit
I still don't really know how fax machines worked. And quite frankly, the
faxes I probably sent are probably still
somewhere out in the ether, hence why we don't have
fax machines anymore. But I did believe that this is
how everyone kind of existed. And also both my
parents taught me something that I think
actually all these years later has been something that
has helped me succeed, and that was to
always be curious. Always look at
everyone and anyone as not a thing or a position
but actually a human and that they're worthy
of getting to know, or at least understanding
more about them, because not only would it help
us teach ourselves about different places
and different cultures, but also we would learn
something about ourselves. So it has led me in
the last 30 years professionally to
be always curious and to never make assumptions
based on somebody's position that, oh, because
this person is that, that person can't help
me, or vice versa. MIKE ABRAMS: And that's kind
of, I think, part of the book. Like to kick us into
the book a little bit, the book is a little
bit of flipping traditional
networking, or at least what the most common belief
of traditional networking is, on its head a little bit. So I'd love to hear a
little bit about how you came up with your method. That is a little
bit contradictory to what the current norm
is or at least a little out of the norm is. SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yes. Well, I'll just
speak the obvious. Traditional networking,
when we think of it, is very much about get, get,
get, gimme, gimme, gimme. How is this person going to
help me get to the next level, get to the next job, get the
funding I need for my startup, when what I have done
is flip the script and instead lead with,
how can I be of help? How can I be of service? How can I make a connection for
you that's going to help you? And it's funny. I think part of that grew
out of watching my parents, but also my license
says I'm five foot. OK. Today I'm six feet. I'm going to just call it out. But when I would walk into a
boardroom, a conference room, a convention hall in a sea of
people, no one would see me. And if I started to try to have
a conversation with someone, I'll go so far to say it was
hard to get them to look down to talk to me. So if I made the conversation
a bit more about them and asked them questions-- because when you ask
questions, you learn. And then you can actually
go and be helpful. It became, probably,
initially, a survival mechanism so that I could gain
the data to then go do whatever I was
doing, depending on the profession I had. But what has become
all these years later is this constellation
of connections of people that I have met through
weaving, and connecting, and introducing, and
supporting, but all through that notion and that
idea of leading with "how can we be helpful?" MIKE ABRAMS: And you've
put this into this Gather, Ask, Do method. So I'd love to hear a
little bit about, broadly, kind of what that means. And I think I have a few
questions within each section I would love to-- coming from
the book that I'd love to ask. SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure,
well, I am probably the least prescriptive person. But when you write
a business book, you have to have a methodology. And so I had to do some
deep reflection to kind of figure out, how is it that
I have been connecting people all these years? And for anybody who-- I don't know if anybody in the
audience knows me personally. But that's what I do. I just, I have done for
years and I will continue to do it until I'm no longer. But in thinking and doing
the deep reflection, I realized that the Gather,
Ask, Do is what I was doing. So in the Gather phase, the
first most important thing to do is really think
silently to yourself, what is the meaningful
connection to me? Because for you, Mike, it
might be very different than it is for me. Once you do that, I
encourage you to think about what are your goals for
the next four years, four months, four weeks, even? And what is the
community or communities that you can build around
yourself that is going to help you meet those goals? And what steps can
you take to ensure that those communities
don't all look like you, sound like you, the same age
as you, the same color as you? In other words,
how do we build-- how do we be intentional
about building inclusivity into our communities? And then lastly, to
close out Gather, what are the super
powers, the secret sauces, the chief
differentiating factors that you bring to the community? And that is important if
you're going to be helpful. You need to know,
what are you good at? And I get a lot of
questions from people who say, oh, well, I'm just out
of college, what can I offer? Every single person
has something to offer. And you're going to have
many different-- as you progress professionally
and personally, and grow, that will change,
and alter, and metamorphosize. The next phase is the Ask phase. And although I do
cover the importance of asking for what you need,
what you want, and you deserve, the overall theme of
the Ask is how do you learn how to ask some
meaningful questions of others so that you can learn what's
important to them, what's challenging to them,
what is on their mind right now, that again, maybe you
can make a positive difference and help them out? And last but not
least is the Do phase, which is actually
my favorite phase. If-- while you were
meaningfully asking-- if you listened, and
listened carefully, you can then get to the Do. And that is when you become
the reliable, responsible, and trustworthy person
by following up, by closing the loop,
by making a connection, by actually helping. And I want to just
also close all of that out with the statement that
this is not about putting others before you. This is literally through
the act of helping others, you're helping yourself. MIKE ABRAMS: I want
to go a little deeper into a couple of these. Because I think one thing that I
think was in the Gather section that I found really
interesting was you did talk a lot about
creating the environment sometimes for yourself,
if it's not necessarily-- if you can't find
the group or you can't find the right community
to create the community. And that wasn't
something I was-- maybe it wasn't something I
was expecting to read. And so I'd love to hear a little
bit more about your advice there for-- maybe it is the earlier
in their career, or another segment of the
population that's like, hey, I don't really
know where to go. Where can I start? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Sure, sure. Well, a couple of things. One, when folks
who are in their-- maybe just out of
college, or maybe didn't go to college, took
a gap year, what have you, I suggest that they
start very, very locally, and really reach out to the
smallest groups that they know, and literally ask the people. Ask the friends. Ask their college roommates. Ask their cousins for
connections to others. I'm also a huge believer
in volunteering and finding local nonprofits from which to-- I realize everyone's busy. So I'm not suggesting spending
an exorbitant amount of time. But even an hour or two
a week, or an hour or two every two weeks,
you'll expose yourself to people that aren't
just like you, that-- and you'll also learn
so much information that you can bring
back to the workplace. But lastly, in the early '90s,
I was running a sales territory for a company called PR Newswire
in Orange County, California. And I had taken the job not
realizing that no one had ever heard of PR Newswire in
Southern California at the time, and only used our
competitor, Business Wire. So no matter what I did
to try to get meetings, to get invited to the events
that PR-- public relations professionals were going to,
I wasn't getting invited. So what I did was
I took my FOMO, and I created JOMO, which is
not the joy of missing out, because that wouldn't
have helped me! But it was the joy
of meeting others. And I started with
the only three people that I knew in the profession. And we started a coffee-- what I call the Coffee
Klatch, which now makes me sound ancient. But I asked each of the
three to bring one person. And within several months, we
had over 160 people attending. And over time, that
became "the" gathering for people in public relations. And no joke, literally
a couple of weeks ago, the fella who ran the
Business Wire office in 1991 saw my post on social media. And he responded. He said, within six months, you
were running circles around me. So I guess the lesson
is, don't be afraid. If you don't feel that
you're getting invited, make the event. Start the event. And it doesn't have to be
you inviting 25 people. You can start with three
people that you know. And you can pick a theme,
whether it's around a cause, whether it's around
a sporting event. The sky's the limit. But the benefits are unlimited. MIKE ABRAMS: I'm glad
you mentioned JOMO, because I really enjoyed that. I love the saying, and of
it, and the thought of it. I do think it ties
nicely, though, into a piece that you
wrote about introverts, and about how to
kind of overcome maybe some of that anxiety
or fear if you are maybe more naturally an
introvert and you want to have the
JOMO, which maybe doesn't come as naturally. So can you talk a little bit
about that and your advice for that group of people? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Sure, absolutely. And I'll just say,
for the record, I fantasize about
being an introvert. I got a D in conduct when
I was in fifth grade. And I thought my life was over. I mean, I had
mostly A's and B's. And then all of a
sudden, I saw the D, and I was like, [GASPS]
I'm, like, done. I'm never going to get
through elementary school. I know. It this ridiculous when
we think back of the way we used to think, or
maybe we still do? MIKE ABRAMS: It clearly
stuck with you, too. SUSAN MCPHERSON:
[LAUGHS] It did. It did. Well, again, I think-- I mean, it was traumatic. Believe me. Anyhow, I'll get out of
fifth grade for a moment. But there's actually
a couple of chapters, as you mentioned, in the
book, really dedicated towards tools for introverts. And a couple of things just to
kind of lay the groundwork-- you've heard me say connecting
and community-building, and really not saying
the word "networking." And I'm not anti-networking. But I really believe
there's a delineation between building meaningful
connections and networking. I tend to think of networking
as very transactional-- one to many versus one-to-one. And when I look at
the delineation, I think building
meaningful connections is a little more palatable
or tolerable to someone who may be an introvert. And a couple of just quick ways
or tools that an introvert can use is, whether you're
going into a virtual room, whether it's a Zoom,
or a Microsoft Teams, or whatever platform you're
using, or in a real-- when we go back into
some sense of normalcy-- think of the power of three. Go with the intention to
meet three new people, learn three things, and share
three things about yourself. That is kind of finite. But the good news
is is you're going to leave with some data,
some good information. So that's one. Two, if you can, find the
connector in the room. It's a little like,
for those of us ever who have gone through
dating, and you find a wing man,
or a wing woman, or whatever to guide you,
it's a little bit like that. And I do believe
we can also find, when we're in
meetings with many, we can find that connector
in the room and glom on. And it's a little like the
drafting on bicyclic riding. So those are a couple of
tips to people who are-- MIKE ABRAMS: You did
mention-- you just mentioned the delineation
between connections and networking. And I did find-- you did write a lot
about daily connections, whether that's with
coworkers or neighbors. How do you separate
that from these kind of bigger events versus
these daily connections you are making? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Well, I think of them as they're like little
snacks along the way, right? And they're a great way to
keep in touch with people so that life doesn't
go by, and you go years without connecting, OK? And just for example,
this past year, for my own sanity, again, having
already mentioned that it was 13
months by myself-- and I'm still ticking! But each day, I would reach
out to three to five people in whatever means
was the easiest-- text, WhatsApp, phone,
email, snail mail. But there were two
reasons for doing that. One, it was sending
a bit of joy. And the missives were things
like, thinking of you, how are you doing,
do you need anything through this difficult
time, or just sending love. And again, it was to
send a bit of joy, but also to be like,
hey, don't forget me! I'm here! So I think of that as a
bit different from what I was just-- the comment I was making
about the power of three. I think of this as, like,
you're building a muscle, practicing it every day. And people say, Susan,
how do you have time? And I always say, I have
time to brush my teeth. So make it a habit. MIKE ABRAMS: Yeah. I want to go back
to something you said kind of at the beginning
of the Gather, Ask, Do method, which is about asking
how you can help versus how someone can help you. And I think that
is a very big pivot for a lot of people's mindset. So what is your advice to how
to start thinking that way? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Sure, well, I think you have to understand what the
benefits are when you do that. And I will go so far as to
say, when you do need help, it is so much easier if
you have been helpful in the first place, right? And I don't want people to
think that this is, like, you're constantly helping people, OK? But what it does is it creates
a more meaningful connection so that somebody, when they
have something to offer, or they need your help,
they will think of you to come back to you, OK? And I can honestly say, and I'll
give you this as an example, I'm not very good at
asking for help, OK? I mean, and I launched
a book into the world. And you know what? You have to learn to ask for
help when you launch a book, especially during a pandemic. So because I have been a helper,
and I have made S-H-I-T happen, I felt a little bit more
confident to go ahead-- I don't know if we're
allowed to swear on here. Honestly, some podcasts, before
I've gotten on, they're like, no swearing allowed. So I just-- I'm careful. But honestly, what
I have found is because of the zillions of
connections I have made, or the doors I've opened, or the
non-profits or the for-profits I funded, I didn't feel
as nervous making the ask. And guess what? People were really
excited to help. And forget my book for a minute. Generally speaking, people
want to be helpful-- generally. I mean, there's always going
to be people that aren't. And we know there are people
who are just innate takers. But what I'm saying,
for the most part-- so when you are in
conversation, there's nothing wrong with you saying,
is there someone in my network or in my community
I can introduce you to who can help you
get that job interview, or who can introduce you
to a potential funder? That's a good thing to do. MIKE ABRAMS: So one thing
that's kind of weaved through the book-- and I now know
that that's because that this, maybe, was part of the
beginning of the initial idea-- was how technology does kind
of, and social interaction does play a role in this. So I would love to hear
a little bit about how, in current times, technology
plays a role in connection and community, and
kind of what you see in how it's
kind of affecting, currently, everything around us? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Oh,
well, I mean, again, thank you to
technology for keeping us connected in this past year. I mean, I don't know. Can you imagine what
it would have been like if it was like the 1918
epidemic-- flu epidemic, and we didn't have the
ability to see one another? I realize we don't
actually see each other. We're not making eye
contact, and we're not able to ascertain somebody's
body, their movements and things, other than
somebody like me who uses her hands a lot! But it is so much better
than if we didn't have it. But over the years,
I have found-- I've gone to weddings of
people I've met on Twitter. People I've met through
Instagram have then-- I have ended up funding
them as an angel investor. These things make
possibilities of meeting people that we've never been able to
in previous parts of humanity. I joke. One of my first jobs, I was
a researcher at USA Today. And this was in the '80s. And when I was
researching, the tools I had where the Encyclopedia
Britannica and the Yellow Pages. You probably-- there's probably
people in the audience here that probably have never even
heard of the Yellow Pages. So in other words, when
I was making phone calls to interview people for
stories, that was the data that I could go by. I mean, I could go
into the Library of USA Today and look at
microfiche, too. But now, today, because of
technology, because of Google, we have the ability
to get so much data before we reach out to
someone, so that it's not like a blind outreach. And I behoove all
of us, if we are going to be reaching
out to people for help, do a little research
before you do. It's respectful. And it gives you
so much more data from which to come from
when you are making the ask. MIKE ABRAMS: Mm-hmm. Do you have different
strategies or thought processes with different
platforms of technology? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Well, certainly. And I still am a big believer
in using the damn phone for its original-- long
before [LAUGHS]---- like, just dial. I mean, I guess we
don't dial anymore. But, no, I'm also a big
believer in asking people how they want to
receive information, because everybody
has their likes. I have some people
that are text only. I have other people
that want phone calls. I have other people that-- somebody today
said to me, email. Always email. So again, I'm not expecting
everybody listening today to go out and ask everyone
they know how they want. But generally, if you reach
out to people in the mode that they prefer, it's
just helping the obvious, that they're much more
likely to respond. So it really depends for me. Just a side note, in 2010, I
started something on Twitter called CSR Chat, which stands
for corporate responsibility chat. I work in social impact. And that was started
because, at the company I was with at the time,
we were doing a proposal that had something to do with-- now I'm forgetting the name--
but conflict minerals, OK? So what conflict minerals-- I'm sure, you're in technology. You all know how devastating
they are when we're harvesting diamonds and things. But nobody seemed to know,
within the company anything about conflict minerals. So I said, I'm just going to
put it out on Twitter and see. And all of a sudden, there
was a huge conversation. And the next day, somebody
said to me, Susan, when is the next one? And I was like, next what? [LAUGHS] And then this began. Every other week, there was
a conversation on Twitter about something about
corporate responsibility. And what happened was
it became a community. It began to be a
way for people who worked in impact, and
corporate responsibility, and corporate
citizenship to connect. So you know, again, it's
a long-winded answer to your question. But it was a way
of using technology to actually successfully
make connections in a more meaningful way than
Tom, meet Harry, and Harry, meet Tom. MIKE ABRAMS: Mm-hmm. What about your views on some
of the newer technologies that are coming up to allow
more people to connect? And there's a little bit
of the-- there's a lot to, OK, do I need to build
my network there? Or do I need to try to
integrate into that network? Like, what is your thoughts
on that one there-- SUSAN MCPHERSON: Are you
suggesting Clubhouse? MIKE ABRAMS: I'm not
going to name any by names, because--
but there are multiple. But there are a lot of those. And I think there's
the opportunity of should that be something
that people are prioritizing? Or how do they explore that
into some of the other things you're putting-- the recommendations you
have from your Gather, Ask, Do method? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well,
I think it's important that we are open
to new platforms, and test them out,
and try them out. I remember-- I still
remember when-- well, I still remember
when Google was launched. But we're not going to go there. But when Instagram
first launched, it was, like, what's this? I don't get it. And then, Insta stories. But it's like, if we don't
try them, we won't know. And I was asked at a
conversation earlier today about Clubhouse. And the challenge I
personally find with Clubhouse is you can't connect
on the platform. You have to actually
go off the platform to connect with people,
which I'm willing to do. But I know for some people,
that's an extra step, right? And so you're
inherently building-- you're putting walls up
instead of encouraging. Now, I'm not a technologist. So I wouldn't suggest-- I mean, they obviously
know what they're doing. But I find that to be a barrier. Does that mean I'm not
going on to Clubhouse? No, because I run
a impact firm, it's really important that I stay
up on these technologies. Now, I can't for the life
of me figure out TikTok. So sometimes, when I
talk to 22-year-olds and they say, what do I
have to offer, I say TikTok! [LAUGHS] MIKE ABRAMS: I want to
ask a couple of questions on a slightly different
theme around-- we've had a lot, and I think
a lot of people have had-- either gotten new jobs
or have onboarded now in this virtual environment. What is your advice
to the networking within an organization, or
within your own workforce, in an area where you
can't just go grab coffee, or where it is virtual. SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yeah. Yeah, well, and my company has
grown by about 30% this year. So I've brought on-- and
granted, we're small. But I've brought on people
that I've never met. And they have to work
in teams, and they're across Bulgaria, Atlanta,
Chicago, et cetera. So on a very microcosm,
I've been dealing with that. And I do suggest,
when you are new, that you do everything
in your power to reach out to
other colleagues, both within your team but also
outside your team, because it's really important to learn
about the overall company. And it's going to
help you succeed. But instead of reaching out
to colleagues and saying, you know, can I pick
your brain, or I'm new, do you have 20 minutes
to explain what you do? I would literally turn
it again, 180 degrees, and say, I'm new here, I want
to learn more about your role so I can be helpful to you. And I know it sounds
a little manipulative. But honestly, if you
are helping them, they're going to
be helpful to you. And it's just human nature. And I think it's-- again, it's
a generous way of reaching out. It also sets you apart. MIKE ABRAMS: What about
the post-pandemic? We're starting to
hopefully come out, and there's going to
be more opening up. And there is a lot of
anxiety of getting back to at least some form of normal. What are your thoughts and
advice for reconnecting post-pandemic? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Yep. Yeah, well first of all, we have
an opportunity of a lifetime. When in life do
we have a do-over? And we really do right now, OK? So I know I sound like
I'm trying to sell books, but I would suggest gently
that this is a perfect time to do the Gather
exercise, to be really mindful about what
is the community or communities I want to build? And what are my goals, and
how can that community help? But I liken this time
almost to purgatory, because we kind of have
one toe out the door, but the rest of us is inside. And for those of us who
live in apartment buildings, I think this is a great analogy. You know when a neighbor orders,
like, really aromatic food like Thai food, or Chinese
food, or Indian food, and it's wafting
into your apartment and it smells so
good, and you don't get any, that's kind of
what I feel like right now. So to me, this is the time
to start reconnecting, making lists of people you
want to connect with. And doing a little
bit of research so that when you do
reach out to them, or ask a friend to connect you
to them, you have background, and you have something to offer
them or to suggest to them. So to me, this is
the perfect time. And for those who are
feeling, like, nervous, it's going to be gradual. We're not going 0 to 60. This isn't going to be Times
Square in 1945 when you saw, you know, hundreds of thousands
of people dancing and kissing in the streets. I wish that was going to happen. And maybe I shouldn't wish--
you know, who knows, right? New York City's a crazy
place, which is where I live. But I do think it's a
bit like riding a bike. And I don't know about you all,
but usually, the four blocks when I first get on my
bike, when it's spring, like right now,
I'm going to die. Like, I am convinced I am going
to fall and get hit by a car. And I never do-- knock on wood. So usually, by the fourth
block, I've got this. So I think for those of you
who are reticent or nervous, think of it like riding a bike. MIKE ABRAMS: Mm-hmm. There's one kind of
big topic that you wrote a lot about that
we didn't cover today that I want to make sure
we get to talk about, which is about listening,
and the importance of that in networking. So can you give us a little bit
of your advice on how important to kind of take that
building block when there is a little bit
of the, like, OK, how can I help, how
can I do this, but also the importance of listening? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well,
in the Ask phase, you're asking
meaningful questions. And if you're not
listening, guess what? You can't get to the Do. You're going to be
stuck in Ask forever. I'm being facetious. But we are woefully bad at
listening, myself included. And when I was
researching for the book, I was horrified
by how bad we are. And then add a global pandemic,
when we have our email-- when we're in these
conversations and we have our text, and our
WhatsApp, and our social media, and our kids, and our
cats, and our dogs. It's really hard. So number one, we have
to force ourselves. Number two, I highly recommend
a world-renowned expert on listening who's done
four or five Ted Talks-- Dr. Julian Treasure. And he specifically--
one of his talks focuses on when we listen, we
tend to, instead of listening, we're already, focused
on the next thing, like how we're going to respond. And ratchet it back. Do whatever you can to
actually, truly listen. And what I have done
is I actually take notes when somebody is in a
dialogue-- just quick notes. But that helps force
me to pay attention. The other thing that
I have learned to do, when I start to fade away
or think about what's for lunch while somebody
is talking, I catch myself, or at least I try to, and
I ask the person to repeat themselves, which is not rude. And actually, it shows the
person that you're transparent, and you're being honest,
and that you want to listen. So I don't think it's-- don't
be bashful to state, wait, can you repeat that? I missed it. You don't have to say
because you were thinking about what you want for lunch,
but I think you get my point. MIKE ABRAMS: Yeah. So you mention
about being present. And I think that
that's a huge piece. But it's also a really
challenging piece when you've got
multiple screens, or you've got your
phone, and you've got all these other things. What tips and tricks
do you do to try to, when you are doing
something virtual, stay present? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Just what I shared. I really use the old notepad
and pen to take notes. And sometimes I'll use my
mobile device to also just type. But I'm always very, like--
you know what it looks like. It looks like I'm
emailing while I'm-- and I and I don't
want to be doing that. So I actually will say, I'm
going to be taking notes on my handheld. And again, I think we all
are going to find ways. But it's respectful. And I do think,
because we have spent a year without our meaningful
connections, that, at least for the near term, and I
hope for the long-term, that when we are back
out in real life, we're not going to
be sitting there when we're in conversations
with others looking, and saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you. I really think, given
what we've gone through, that perhaps we will just
intentionally be much more present. MIKE ABRAMS: Mm-hmm. I do want to open up
to audience questions. So please submit them. I've got a couple more while
they're hopefully rolling in. So the first one I want to ask a
little bit is, what's the one-- if you had one thing
you wanted someone to take away from
the book, what's the one kind of point
you want someone to remember from the book? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well,
I think, if anything, this point will
ensure that you think building meaningful connections
is worth the effort. You actually live longer. I was shocked to find that out. Obviously, there's
other factors involved. If you are a chain smoker, all
the connections in the world probably aren't
going to help you. But truly, making commitments
to build relationships throughout your lifetime
extends your longevity, and also, professionally,
makes you more successful. So I do think that those are
two important ideas to leave you with. MIKE ABRAMS: I want to
ask a little bit more of a fun question. So with your mantra of leading
with how can I help first, I would love to hear what's either
the most unexpected or unique response or request you got
from a brand new connection when you've led with that? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Sure, well, I can tell you, a friend,
Michelle Mwanza, who I met a few years ago,
after I had said to her, you know, I'm
always here to help, I received an email from her. This was probably mid-- maybe 2016 or 2017. That was about 2:30 in the
afternoon-- really busy, emails were flying. And I get an email from Michelle
saying, Susan, my friend [? Brandt, ?] who's a filmmaker,
wants to get in a refugee camp tomorrow in Greece. Can you help? So for the audience,
so you understand, one of the boards I serve on
is the US arm of the UN High Commission for Refugees. So it wasn't so
out of left field. But I immediately went
to, oh, God, first of all, I have seven minutes. And the last thing
the world needs is another documentary
film about refugees that no one's going to see. So again, I was leading
with an assumption. But then, I was,
like, you know what? I have seven minutes
till my next call. What the hay, I'll try. I was able to get Brandt
into a camp in Lesbo in Greece the next day. Didn't think about it. But then, I learned a
week later that wasn't a documentary filmmaker. He was a big budget
Hollywood film producer who had done a number
of Tom Cruise films. And because of that
visit, he became enamored with the whole cause
of supporting refugees globally, and displaced people. But there's more. A month later, a friend
of mine reached out-- a different friend-- who said-- who was a
consultant for the organization CARE, the global NGO. She said, Susan, do you happen
to know any filmmakers who could go spend 10 days to two
weeks on the Syrian border at a refugee camp in
Jordan, teaching kids how to make films about
their exodus from Syria? Well, guess what? I had the person. I reached out to Brandt. I think within 60
seconds he said yes. But he even brought eight
other Hollywood film directors with him. And they spent two weeks
at the Azraq refugee camp in Jordan, which is right
on the Syrian border, teaching Syrian youth how
to tell their stories. Because of that, Epic
Foundation came through and created a film
academy at that camp which is still in operation today. And there are still refugees
arriving at that camp. But there's more. He went on to create a
narrative feature film-- a short, but a feature film-- called "Refugee" that Angelina
Jolie got wind of, was so taken with it, she has spent the
last year and a half showing it to world leaders so that they
understand that this is still very much of a challenge. Now, I am not taking credit
for all of what had happened. But you can imagine
the millions of dollars that have been funded-- that have gone to CARE,
to UNICEF, for UNHCR, to millions of refugees. And I think back. It's like, OK, I
could have made-- let my assumptions kind of-- or I could have said, you
know what, I don't have time to be helpful today. And that was a big
lesson learned. MIKE ABRAMS: Yeah, what
an incredible story with huge impact! SUSAN MCPHERSON: It's true. Yeah! Yeah! MIKE ABRAMS: Let's go to
some audience questions. So the first one is from Mason. So how do you show to
someone that you're genuinely interested
in them if they are shy or distrustful
of opening up to you? SUSAN MCPHERSON: That's a
really, really good question. And thank you for asking, Mason. You can never force
someone to engage with you, I mean, no matter what. But I think it's
up to us to show that we are true to who we
are, and that we are trying to be helpful, and maybe
share examples of ways you've been able to help others
through connections. But you obviously--
there are always going to be people who are
going to be like, you know what? I'm not going to engage. And it took me maybe
to be in my late 40s to be like, OK with that,
and not burst into tears and have my feelings hurt. But I think it's taking an
active interest in the person. And maybe, if you have time
before you meet the person, do a little background research
so you have a little bit of information about them. And I think what I said
earlier, we have all the tools today to do that. MIKE ABRAMS: So our next
question is from Sophia. So thank you for coming. What advice would you give
introverts when trying to start build meaningful relationships? Sometimes it can be intimidating
trying to take that first step. SUSAN MCPHERSON: Oh, totally
understand, Sophia, and thank you for asking. In my book, I actually
offer 11 questions that you can have in your
back pocket to make it easier. I mean, a few of them came--
the New York Times once did an article, and I cite
it in the book, of questions to have in your back pocket. So I can't take 100%
credit for all of them. But it is questions-- not like what did you
have for lunch today, or what is the
weather in your city? But rather, if you could
go anywhere on the planet at the end of this pandemic,
where would it be and why? Or if there was one
problem you could solve, if money wasn't an option,
what would be that problem, and how could I maybe help
you with that problem? And those types of questions
are not so personal that they could
scare somebody off. But they also help
open up a window into the way the
person feels or thinks, or that person's
hopes and dreams. And hopefully, they're
not so crazy that you, if you're an introvert--
and I shouldn't assume that, but since you
asked the question, I have to think it maybe
be just a little bit-- that those are helpful
types of questions. And again, then, you
get to-- guess what-- stop and listen. MIKE ABRAMS: OK, our next
question is from Rachel. I'm a little bit hesitant
to return to office as I found a lot of peace,
calm, and happiness from working from home. How can I prepare myself
between now and September to get more excited or mentally
ready to return to office? SUSAN MCPHERSON:
Well, hopefully you have co-workers that are going
to welcome you with open arms. And if they're
not, shame on them. Because for many people,
this has been lonely. But I completely can
understand, especially people that tend to
function better in quiet. But I would suggest,
start baby steps now. Maybe get together one-on-one
right now with colleagues who maybe live geographically
close to you, just to kind of start exercising
that muscle again. And then, gradually, maybe
add one other person, just so that when it
is-- when you do go back, it isn't kind of
like night and day. MIKE ABRAMS: All right, our
next question is from Maria. So thank you for being here. This can be a bit
overwhelming and scary. What is the first
step you recommend we should take to start
connecting on the next level? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well,
I think if you followed kind of my advice about
asking how you can help, or is there someone you can
introduce somebody to, do it. I mean, if the person
responded with a couple of-- you know, maybe they're going to
be, at the end of the pandemic, going to a city where
you have a friend or you've happened to be, and
you have a favorite restaurant, follow up and send them the
name of that restaurant. I mean, I know it kind
of sounds simple, and not like a big lift, but
it's a lovely gesture. It's a lovely thing to do. And you're building reciprocity
into your transactions-- or I don't even want to
call them transactions, it makes it sound meaningless-- but into your dialogue. And then it encourages
that person to respond. And so you see, the cycle grows. MIKE ABRAMS: OK, our
next one is from Diana. So when I meet new people,
because I work at Google, how often they ask to help
with a blocked account or how they can get
credits for Cloud, which is tiring and makes you
not want to connect further. I guess, what would your advice
be for that type of scenario? SUSAN MCPHERSON: Well, as a
non-Googler, it's hard for me to know exactly what that means. But I think maybe you do
your own outreach to others. In other words, these people
obviously, if it's constant, you need to say, you know what-- be very intentional that you're
happy to help once or twice, but you can't continue to help. That's one. And then two, do your
own outreach to others, and meet other people
so that you're not always the one who's recipient. And then also, find
colleagues that you can pass those people on to, right? I mean, we have that old
adage, "pass the buck." And I don't mean to
be obnoxious about it. But you shouldn't
be the only one having to solve
others' problems. MIKE ABRAMS: Well, Susan, thank
you so much for being here and sharing all this incredible
knowledge and wisdom with us. And it was great to have you. SUSAN MCPHERSON: It was
wonderful being here. I just wish I could see
everybody in real life! MIKE ABRAMS: And thanks,
everyone, for watching. You can also find the book
at thelostartofconnecting.com Thank you! SUSAN MCPHERSON: Thank you. [MUSIC PLAYING]
