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We've got a bad one. (chuckles) We've got a rough one today, okay? It's very coarse.
(scratching) It's a coarse video, all right? So put your gloves on. Okay, I feel like straight people, right? Heteros, we do some pretty
cringe stuff sometimes, right? I think that's safe to say. They'll have a daughter, and they'll name the daughter EquestriAnne because the mom likes horses. (horse neighing) Or they'll have like
a gender reveal party. Or they'll like set a school on fire and then whatever color the
smoke is coming from the school, that's what the baby is, right? (laughs)
(suspenseful music) "Damn, rest in peace all
those kids in that school that just burned, but the smoke is blue, we're having a little guy."
(laughs) And I fall into that category. Dude, I'm a straight white guy and all the time I see just embarrassing, weird act shit that straight
people do all the time, right? And it's one thing to do
all that weird shit, right? But what's even worse is to
post it all over social media. So today we're gonna be
looking at some content that can only be described as Hetero. No, oh no. And it's gonna get rough. So I hope you're ready. No, you're not. But I hope you are. Quick, shoutout to the account
on Instagram @hetero_cringe. Big shoutout to them. I pretty much found all the pictures that we're gonna be talking
about on that account. So yeah, go give them a follow. - [Boy] All right, let's go.
(slow music) - "A real woman will do
anything for her man. Even if it's selling her leg and two eyes just to make sure he's happy." (calm music) I feel like I just moved
houses after reading that. 'Cause there's a lot to unpack. (upbeat music) I don't care how much you love someone. Don't sell your leg and both of your eyes just to make them happy. If doing that makes your
significant other happy- - [Man] Oh, oh.
- They need help. They need professional help. I really hope no one
saw that and was like, (suspenseful music)
"Ah, okay, that'll do it. That'll save my relationship." "Okay, baby, you're
ready for your surprise? You're gonna be so happy?" "Yeah, I'm ready." "Okay, take your blindfold off." "Okay. (banging)
Oh, my God. What the fuck?" "Did you take it off? I can't tell." "What the hell happened? Why is your leg gone? What, are you okay?" "Not just my legs, silly, (sinister music)
my eyes too." "Aww! Sorry. What the fuck? Why? Why did you do this?" "Isn't it obvious. I sold my right leg and two
eyes to make you happy." "Why would that make me happy?" "'Cause that's what a
real woman does, okay? And with the money that I'm
making from my body parts, I'm gonna buy you a Tesla." "Oh my God!
(laughs) That's amazing. Those are so expensive though. That's gonna cost you an arm and a leg. (sinister music) Okay, now wait.
(intense music) No, that's not what I meant." All right, next one. (suspenseful music)
"Don't lose a loyal man because he's occasionally unfaithful." (chuckles) Come on, it's like some guy
that got caught cheating and he like quickly made
this meme on his phone. He was like, "It just popped up. It's Jay Z and Beyonce. Are we like Jay Z and Beyonce right now? I guess we are. They kinda stayed together." So, next we're gonna watch a video, okay? Quick video. And this is a little older. I remember seeing this like a year ago but when I think about just
like straight people cringe this is all I think about.
(suspenseful music) So it's a nice video of a couple. They're like singing to
each other at a rave. The caption is, "Took my girl
to her first rave yesterday and said, 'Welcome to my world.' And she replied, 'Our world now.' And I'll remember this night forever." (suspenseful music)
(retching) There is no words to describe
how much I don't like that. And listen, I know every
relationship is different. They seem happy. Great, good for them. But dude, a rave has gotta be the least romantic place of all time. "Babe, I have to tell you
something immediately." "What? What are you gotta tell me?" "I just gotta say you've been awesome. I'm having a great time with you, okay" Back at that dead mouse set, when I swallowed my tongue
and puked it back up, you were there for me. Okay. And when I tried to fight that guy 'cause his tank top was
messing with my vibe, you pull me away." "Okay, what's your point?" "And when I pulled a muscle last night when I tried to suck my own dick." "Stop! Okay, what do you wanna tell me?" I just want to say, welcome to my world." "Well, I gotta be honest,
I'm having a terrible time. Okay? So I'm just gonna go home, all right?" "Did you just say our world now?" "What? No, what the fuck? No, I didn't say that." "I'll remember this night forever." "Whatever man, I'm leaving, all right? (choking) What, are you choking
on your tongue again? You can't suck your own dick." Okay, next one. Okay, so we got a guy, he's
like surrounded by smoke and he's playing the cello. But instead of a cello, it's a woman. That's fucking weird, man. I mean, I guess it could be weirder, cello is probably like the
most normal instrument to be, I guess. You imagine if he was
like playing the drums? (laughs)
He's dead. He was just like this weird
fleshy, like human drum set. And he was just drumming like. (laughing)
(drum sound) Why does he look so sad? He looks so sad to just stop. Buddy, you don't have to do that. It's like there's a guy behind the camera, like with a gun just
forcing him to do that. "Hey, play your girlfriend's
back like a cello." Or maybe the girlfriend
is forcing him to do that. "Babe, please, can we just go
out for a dinner and a movie? How about that? Just once, dinner and a movie. Please, I can't keep doing this." "Come on babe, you know you want to." "I'm not, okay? I'm not doing it." - [Ghostly Voice] Do it.
- Okay, fine. (clapping) (cello playing) (crowd clapping)
(crowd cheering) (gasps) Oh, it was just a bad dream. - [Woman] What's wrong?
(whooshing) Did you have that dream again? (yelling) - Does this ever happen to you? You're having a nice
sleep and out of nowhere, you have a nightmare about
playing your girlfriend like a goddamn string instrument? You wake up, oh, oh, she's a cello. It's happened to me more
times than I can count, okay? And I can count pretty high. So that's why I wrote my
number one New York Times' best selling book "Help:
My Bae's a Cello." If this has happened to you, buy my book and say choodbye to cello. Has this ever happened to you? You see some nonsense commercial
about a pointless book and you still wanna purchase it. Of course it has. It's happened to me more
times than I can count, okay? And I can't count very high. So that's why I made the New York Times', number one, best selling VHS, "Help." I bought a pointless book again. You'll learn tips and tricks
from industry professionals on how to avoid buying books. VHS player sold separately. Also, if you can explain DVDs
to me, please give me a call. Has this ever happened to you? You start writing a comedy sketch and you don't really know how to end it so it just keeps going and
getting more annoying and insane? Trust me, it's happened to me
more times than I can count, and I can count the regular amounts. That's why I made the New York Times', number one best selling- - [Automated Voice] Has
this ever happened to you? (gasps) (breathes deeply) It was just a bad dream. Has this ever happen to you? (yelling) Okay, these next memes
that we're gonna look at are they're kinda like a
crossover with like boomer humor, because I've only seen
like old people post these. And I don't know what it is, but like anyone over the age of 50, any married couple over the age of 50, just seemingly hates each
other for some reason. It's like those Rodney Dangerfield jokes when he would just talk about
how much he hates his wife. - All right, my wife
can't do nothing, right? She can't cook, the
worst cook in the world. Gave my kid alphabet soup,
he spilled out, help. - You know all the classic
Henny Youngman joke? - Now you take my wife, please. - And don't get me wrong,
I love Rodney Dangerfield. He's hilarious. And that Henny Youngman joke is probably one of the best
one-liner jokes ever written. But that was also like 40 years ago or 50 years ago or some shit. So let's move on, maybe. I don't know. But let's take a look at some. just 'cause they're so fascinating to me. This one says, "Sir, please understand to buy an antidepressant pill, you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough." (laughing) "Where's your husband? "In the garden." "I didn't see him." "You need to dig a little.
(laughs) Killed and buried him." "A stock market crash
is worse than a divorce. You lose half of your money and your wife is still around." "I won't talk to him,
so he knows I'm mad." "Nice, she hasn't bothered me all day." "When wife makes me angry,
I look at her through a fork and I pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually."
(laughs) You all heard a knife and fork, we'll get ready for wife and fork. You know what I mean, though? Like these memes are so weird. Like if you're making those dude, if you make these memes and you're being serious about it, just get a divorce. If you're holding up silverware
in front of your face to make it look like
your wife is in prison, hey man, just call it quits. Call it quits in the whole
relationship, all right? Put a fork in it, if you will. (upbeat music)
It's done. Also in this photo, it looks like the mom is like taking care of
the two kids by herself, and he's the one pissed at her? "This stupid wife of mine.
(child yelling) Always feeding the kids,
changing the kids' diapers. She never changes my diapers. Bitch." "Can you help me with the
kids for once, please? I just need your help, just once, okay? Please." "You got some nerve
talking to me like that. (suspenseful music)
(clanking sound) (laughs sarcastically) (child yelling) Yeah, visiting hours are over. Yeah, lock her up and
throw away the keys, boys. (laughs)
She's in the clinker." "Okay, I've had enough. We're leaving."
(suspenseful music) "Guards, jailbreak." And I've only ever seen
like older straight people post these because they
come from a generation of not like communicating, not
really talking about things. Just kinda like pushing everything down, and then there's all these marital issues that they didn't wanna confront head-on, and now it's too late to
even like get a divorce. What are they gonna do? Like start dating again? No, they're 78. So they just kinda joke about it and they hate each other until they die. Or their wife really is just
some dumb bitch who can't cook. Who knows, dude? Don't get me wrong, cringe couples come in all
shapes and sexualities. But I think the reason
straight people post these cringe things more frequently is because like straight people never had to fight to be allowed to
date the person they love. Like gay marriage was
legalized in the U.S. only five years ago. So I feel like a gay person doesn't really take it
for granted as much. Straight people have been allowed to do like whatever they want forever. So there's nobody to
like keep them in check. A perfect example, that
TV show, "Sister Wives." You know that show about the guy with four wives and 18 kids, and they all look like they
strictly eat boiled chicken and work at a home Depot? There's proof right there, that we can just get away with anything because there's 14 seasons
of that show, okay? That's three and a half seasons per wife. I'm straight, but that's incredible. (laughs) That must suck living like that, dude. That must suck. Like living your life like that, like before you do anything, that's even remotely feminine. Like liking when the sky is pink, you have to like preface it
by saying you're straight. "I'm straight, you know that, right? But all I'm saying if the
sky had a dick, I'd suck it. I'm straight though, I'm straight, okay? But I'm just saying if the sky was a guy, I'd suck him dry. I'd put the cum in cumulonimbus if you know what I'm
saying, but I'm straight. All I'm saying is I would
suck the sky's dick. Not the sky's dick, this guy's dick." "What?" Okay, we got one more video
that I wanna show you guys. It's a TikTok. I can't wait for you guys to see this. So it's from this page
called Anxiety Couple. (grunting) - Babe.
- Yeah. - What's your biggest fear? - Honestly, the thought of losing you. - [Lady] Wait, what? - Like the thought of never
waking up to you ever again. You're the only person that
has ever made me smile. - Oh, honey.
(laughs) (gurgling) - It was so cute how I
caught him saying exactly what I told him to.
(chuckles) I mean, maybe she actually
tried to do this unscripted and when she was like, "Hey,
what's your biggest fear?" He was just like, "I don't know, the dark. I'm pretty scared of the dark." And she was like, "No, you're
supposed to say losing me. And then you just say a
lot of more nice stuff and then you cry, and then
you go under the covers." "But it's dark under the
covers, that's scary." - Wait, what?
- Okay. Well, I'm sick to my stomach. So I think we'll end it there. That's all we're gonna
look at today, all right? So in conclusion, I think straight people
would just, yeah gotta stop. You just gotta stop. Stop posting stuff online, stop posting stuff about
your significant other. Just leave it, all right? Except for me and my girlfriend. 'Cause I am a hypocrite. I don't know, I guess
there's no real like lesson or takeaway from this video. I just wanted to laugh
at some stupid stuff and I hope you laughed as well. Now that yucky achy
stuff is out of the way, let's talk about something cool. And by something cool,
I mean today's sponsor, which is ExpressVPN.
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the video ExpressVPN. Love you, bye. All right guys, that's gonna do it. Thank you so much for watching this video. I hope you enjoyed it. If you liked the video,
please press that like button because one like equals
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See ya. (bright music) (yelling) Okay.
(laughs)
