- One of the worst effects
of childhood trauma is the way it can warp, when we're adults, the way that we fall in love. And it can lead us to do exactly
the most destructive thing that we could possibly do. Sabotaging ourselves, ruining the things we really want in life and wasting years pining away for love and getting hurt instead. Now, normally I ask letter writers to keep their letters kind of short just for the sake of time. Well, I got to kind of long letter from someone I'll call Amelia, and I chose her letter because
the pain she's going through is something I know a lot of
people here will relate to. And if the letter I'm about
to read hits you in the heart, like it did me, I'm hoping, it may be the thing that finally helps you
stop the self sabotage and instead embrace what you
really wanna do in your life and do whatever it takes
to get there, okay? So, Amelia writes, "I am 41 year old female from Australia. I run my own business and I'm a busy, generally positive person. I recently broke up with a guy I've been seeing for a few months. The usual for me, very tall, very good-looking, a model, and much younger than me,
nine years in this case. When I started seeing this guy, all my friends said the same thing, 'Oh, he sounds just like your type.' And it's always been a bit of a joke that I always date the same
good-looking unavailable men. In this case, he had just left a
relationship of six years with the mother of his
three-year-old daughter. He didn't want anything serious because he was hurt so much by his ex. She left him, and he
wanted time to be single. When we were together, I knew I was with someone who wasn't a good longterm commitment, which is something I want,
a loving committed man. But he was just so tall and handsome it felt great that he
wanted me albeit part-time. And when we first started dating I actually lost four kilos. That's what? Eight plus pounds. I lost my hunger. It was like my body was bracing me for the hurt I knew was coming. So he broke up with me six weeks ago and he then started seeing a
much younger and hotter girl and I quickly turned to
smoking pot regularly to numb the pain and jealousy and feelings of inadequacy I was feeling. After a week or two, when I
was feeling a little better, I found your videos." Alright, and this is where Amelia starts looking back in her life. And she worked with a therapist and she says she began to see the pattern. And she writes, "I recently worked with a therapist and we went through all my relationships from my first love at 16 years old, who was the typical bad boy. I was only 16 when he
pursued me and love bombed me and by 17 I was in a committed
relationship with him and he was already treating me like I was lucky to be with him. He was the big man. He knew everything about everything yet there he was, kicked out of school, lucky to have a crappy job here and there. I was from a good home", she says, "Studying a business degree by this point. But we were always playing the game of pretending that he was
the smartest guy in the room and he was constantly giving me advice. I was putting him up on a pedestal and I was the weak meek girlfriend. I'm smart, and he would say
things I knew were wrong, but I wouldn't say a word. I would play along with his ego games. By 18, he was hurting me physically, pulling my hair, holding my neck as he would yell in my face. He was angry, arrogant and mean. I can't even believe we
were together for so long. And I'm so sad for that girl I was. But there are parts of this man that were the same as the man
I most recently was seeing, 20 years later. My next relationship," she says, "Was with the captain of a sporting team. So good looking and popular, but he had a girlfriend the
whole one and a half years we were quote together. One long-term relationship
with a much younger man, then two years obsessed
with a married man, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I knew what I was doing,
but I couldn't see why. I always thought I had
father abandonment issues. My dad is someone I
always put on a pedestal and he was kind of a
high status man, a CEO. He was good looking." (humming) "He was good looking back
in the day, sporty, arrogant and the narrative growing up was that dad cared more
about work than us kids. Work always came first." Okay, pattern is emerging. "However, I watched a few of your videos and made a revelation." So now Amelia begins to see
a connection to the past. Okay. "My parents divorced
when I was two years old and I've always said I was only two when my parents divorced. So it had no impact on me. I was too young to know what
was going on to remember. If I didn't remember, I
thought, then it didn't matter. But something you said, Anna, made me see that this is not the case. My mom broke it off with my dad because she said he was controlling, arrogant and possessive. My dad said for him, it
came out of the blue. He told her at the time, if she wanted out then
she could leave the house. So she did. And from two years old, my
brother and I lived with my dad. I'm not even sure where my
mom lived immediately after, but she ended up in an
apartment owned by her parents. And it wasn't until I was seven years old that we lived with her again." (sighs) "Another note to make, my brother has always had severe ADHD. There were always tensions in the house 'cause my brother was so full
on at the time and still is, and he was always making people angry or taking them to the breaking point by being so on all the time. I felt the conflict, not
just between my parents, but also between my
parents and my brother. And even though my brother and I have always had each other's backs, he was the cause of a lot of
stress and conflict in my life. I was always in fear of him getting himself or us in trouble. So I felt in the middle
of everyone," Amelia says. "My parents didn't have
any communications. So they would be constantly
complaining about each other and my brother to me, and I remember feeling the stress of having my dad complaining
about my mom to me. I could feel his hatred of her and always felt somehow
that hatred fell to me in lieu of my mum." My mum, she says mom,
'cause she's Australian, I keep saying mum. "And according to my mom,
everything was my dad's fault. He was a crap dad who
could do nothing right." According to the mom. "I believe she and her family made my dad's life so difficult with co-parenting situations and she was constantly letting me know how horrible my dad was. She would say things to me like, 'Oh, you think your father
is so fantastic, don't you? Well, he's actually'"... Fill in the blank. She says, "I would feel defensive when my dad would complain about my mom and defensive of my dad when
mom complained about him. I just wanted peace. I was always begging them not to talk to me negatively
about each other to me, but they never listened. Another thing I learned from you is how childhood trauma can
lead to autoimmune disease. Crohn's disease," suffer right here, "I reckon I internalized all
the stress of my childhood and it has led to actual
ulcers in my gut." That's possible. "A chronic illness I will always have, which I actually manage very well. I haven't had a flare up in four years. I never knew the correlation
between disease and trauma. My relationship with my
father is so good now," says Amelia, "plus I
have an amazing stepmom who shows me all the emotional support I didn't get from my mom." Yay. "She tells me I'm amazing. Both her and my dad, feel like my biggest
cheerleaders in my life." Happy about that. That's very good. "We have long phone conversations and open chats about the past. He feels responsible for
me being alone for so long and the reason I can't find a
loving, stable relationship. However, I now realize it's probably more about
the abandonment from my mom at age two. I really had no idea until now." How how impactful this must've been? (mouth clicking) Bingo. "My mom has bought a house
around the corner from me and is alone and lives a pretty sad life. Yet I feel responsibility to
give her company and support." That's kind. "She is a practical support in my life. Always wanting to help with my businesses, taxes and other things, but we have zero emotional connection. She and my brother are still
in a volatile relationship. She manages or controls his money as he is on a Navy pension and
hasn't worked for some time. He is always her abuser because her role in life is always victim. And then I play the
mediator," says Amelia. "I feel really angry
with her at the moment. What mother leaves her child at age two? I know it's not about her
anymore, it's about me, but I can't help but feel
so sad for that little girl who just wanted to be in a happy family." (clicks) I feel sad too. "I've isolated myself ever since, even as a young girl of seven, I was often in my own
little world of fantasy and now I do it with relationships. I'm happy to have little dribs
of a love life here and there and spend the rest of my time in fantasy or this horrible longing or
wanting what I can't have. I watched your video that said to me that the first thing I need to
do is cut off from this man. I've been in my head for days and I've been trying to pump myself up, block him, unfollow him, unfriend him, but I knew deep down I
wouldn't be strong enough. We are now in lockdown and he literally lives
around the corner from me. He texted me a few days ago and I can feel old patterns creeping in, of longing for this man, even
though, as far as I know, he still with somewhere else. I've been fantasizing
about when they break up and he'll come back to me. I would love a word of advice from you. Thank you for listening. Amelia." Okay. Your letter is beautiful
Amelia, and so insightful. And I just love you for
all the work you've done to understand what's going on with you. Of course, what's going on now, is connected to what
happened to you in the past. That's very clear. And you're just, you're poised right on
the edge of freedom here. So this is good. So here's what I want to help you with, because clearly the old
pattern, the longing, the choices that will lead to longing, it's not bringing you
the love that you want. So now what? What steps can move you
forward from this pattern, this rut of going again and again for the same kind of unhappy
arrangements with men? And I say arrangement, that's probably a more accurate
word than relationship. You kept putting quotes around it. And it's tempting to
psychologize people's patterns. In your case, going for the good looking men
who aren't really available, who, because they're married
or they're too young, or they're not really interested in you, you just don't get what you want. And normally I challenged
just automatically assuming that the past was this and therefore this explains
your present situation. But in your case, a lot of that connection is showing itself pretty clearly now. And what strikes me is that, as an adult, you don't seem to treat your
own needs as important or real. Like you want real love and
you're not treating that as real or like yourself as a real person who of course wants and needs that. And as a child, well, what? It was pretty much the same thing. You were not important. You were not treated like you were real. And this is one of the
most important things parents can give their children and even kind of bad parents can usually succeed at this part and it's validating the
realness of the child, right? Tangible. And they do this by responding
and paying attention and noticing things and
taking their needs seriously and adjusting their own lives to the fact that the child exists. And even a parent who say
punishes too severely, is at least making contact and acknowledging the
existence of the kid. Not necessarily in a good
way, but at least you're real. Now with your parents, your mom leaves, you
know, she can't connect and yes, as you said, what
kind of mother does that? Yet no one says anything. And your dad works all the time. And it's only as an adult that
you're beginning to notice like this is not normal. And I just wanna validate you. You were a real girl, you were two. And you are real now you are 41, And justice that girl needed and deserves a loving
person taking her needs and her development and
her protection seriously, the woman I'm talking to right now, you, needs to be cared for and taken
seriously and protected too. Only now that protector is you. I'm gonna ask you a tough question. Are you ready? Amelia, are you ready
to take responsibility for the care of yourself? Now, what this will mean is that you stop having relationships with people who don't love you, who don't give you the
love and companionship that you actually want. And this is a big question because if you stop getting
entangled with these, like nothing relationships, there may be a period of time
when you'll have no dates, no partner, just you working on your life. The time could be short, could be longer, until you meet someone who actually fits the
requirements you have, of someone capable of being
a real partner, a real one. Someone who recognizes that you are real and takes the role of partner
with you seriously, right? And what you're gonna
lose there is the longing. The longing that's become
almost eroticized for you. That part you won't have
to have if that takes root and some growth will happen. Some growth will need to happen for you to feel love and
commitment to somebody when they're not just taking
themselves away from you, not recognizing you. And so the question is, are you ready and willing to take that step of stopping the behavior that's trapping you outside
of what you really want? Because if you can, that
is where the door opens. And it's been my
experience both in my life and working with all the
people in our community who have contacted me and who
have had similar problems, the love for an unavailable person.(sighs) Some people call this limerence, and part of that, which
I see going on with you is the longing, the eroticized longing. But it's, you know, you
don't really want longing. That's not really what you want. You want the having,(laughs)
you wanna have the guy. You want to have that
home and that person. To be home with him. Someone who loves you, who's there. And I want you to have that. And I want you to have so much more. But what's standing in the way right now is trauma-driven attraction
to people who are not that. Feeling lonely, and
then feeling attracted. You know, when you're
in that vulnerable state it adds up to a strong
pole, almost irresistible to the people who can't
give you what you want. And it can make you willing
to compromise everything, to just think in a foggy way, just so you can spend a little time, emotionally and sexually
connected with somebody who can't be that person for you. And you know what you want, but you've kept pushing it
off into the far future. But you've had that experience now. So let's get real about that. To do it again, we'll literally sabotage
everything you want in your life. Sure, you can punt it
into the future a year or two years, 10 years. But hold on now, now can be that future. You had your experience, right? You know what it's like. You know, I think that
sometimes it's important for us to get our experience, you know, pursuing the thing we think
is gonna make us happy. So, you've had that
following the attraction and now something more is required. You've grown as a person and it's a willingness
to tolerate the feelings that are gonna come up when no man is there
keeping things high emotion and high drama. As a smoke screen, right? When you feel really empty inside, like you're missing something, it's like, it's a quick, it's a temporary fix, you
know, to just be like the man, the man, (mumbles) you
know, is he gonna call? Does he care about me? And this period of singlehood
might be tough for you. Feelings are going to come up. And though they're only feelings. It'll feel intolerable sometimes. And now is the time to create and grow your other relationships. And I'm so glad your dad and
his wife are in your life to support you openly like that. And your mom, you know, it sounds like your mom
has sort of a trade off of it's triggering and
there's something there. But your dad and his wife sound
like they've got your back. Now is the time to get to
know women friends too. You didn't mention those. And I think it's really common that people who have this kind
of longing attraction for men struggle with women. It seems to often go with the territory that they don't have very harmonious relationships with them. So this is your time to
start developing that 'cause that's a lot how
you're gonna make friends with what's underneath that part of you, that is going for something unavailable. And it's also gonna shore you up. You're going to need emotional support to not send the text or answer the text, or try to squeeze in just
one more little relationship, right? You're gonna have thoughts like, just this one time I
can get away with this because the minute I meet the right person I'll just drop this person
who's only temporary for me and I'll be able to
just pick up right there and be this really great
person on a first date. But that's not usually how it works. It's been my experience that when you're entangled
in a temporary relationship, it affects you. Healthy people can see
something unavailable about you. And I call it a cab light. I didn't make up that word. It's, you know, it's
like a pop culture thing. Your cab light, like the
light on top of a taxi that says that you're available. And healthy people can see whether or not your light is on or off. And they can sense when a person
is emotionally unavailable. They can read the red flags. So, what does available mean? Available means you're not
tied up with anybody else. Not physically, not
emotionally, not sexually. And if they start dating you, there's not gonna be someone, you know, lurking in the background of your life, taking up your romantic energy
and your time and your heart. No matter how much you tell yourself that you can manage it this time, just remember how you describe feeling. These relationships drain you
and leave you empty and alone. Okay? It's just good to remember. Like do a post-it on the
fridge if you have to. Spending time single
and caring for yourself allows you to gather your forces. You can clear your mind. You're emotionally all there. And when you do meet someone, you're not like bringing in all this attachment to other people that could complicate a normal
dating courtship process of getting to know somebody. A healthy person is looking for someone who has all their emotional
and romantic energy like intact and inside their hula-hoop (laughs) not spread out all over all over the place like a spider web. Which is what happens when
you have relationships just for the heck of it, just
to fill up Saturday nights. Healthy people can see red flags. And that's what, you being in these entangled
pseudo relationships is, it's a red flag. Now in my dating course, I have all the videos and worksheets to help you make a plan for yourself and get very clear about what you want. So you can be, you know, just like ready and
bright as you meet people and make choices about
who to spend time with. I teach a way of dating that
helps people like slow down, people like you and me, so that you have time
to get to know someone before becoming attached to them. And that's what dating is for. If you are looking for a spouse, dating is to see if someone
is the one you wanna marry. It's not this thing that you sort of go rushing
headlong into, start having sex, wake up within a couple of days going, "Oh gosh, I don't even like this guy". But by then your
abandonment stuff is so bad. You can't leave.(laughs) Then you might spend a year or two years in some sort of half relationship, not emotionally available, wondering like why can
I not find true love? This is why, alright? So, when you do go on a date, you don't have to rush
in and create something, make it happen. You just need to observe,
just see what happens. And I often tell people
when they're dating to hold the concept of themselves
as sitting on a throne, not chasing a wild animal, but sitting on a throne and
allowing someone to come visit and present to you, who they are. What are they looking for? How do they treat you? And you kind of hear that out and hear that idea and you consider it. And that's a really
different kind of energy than finding yourself attracted to someone and then running, chasing after them, trying to make them be more than it is. When you go slowly, you're not
going to get those high highs of longing and a lot of
texting and panic attacks. You're going to get information. And learning about this person
is going to take awhile, but that's what you need as information. Now, if you feel no spark
for the this person, you can give it a little time, but in the end that's
not gonna work either. But going slow, lets
you allow space and time to discover the person who is solid, who fits what you really want and where you feel that spark, alright? It's all important. And if you've spent your life hooked on the big lightning storm level trauma-bonded kind of relationship, you'll need a period of detox to feel your feelings
around a solid person who isn't abandoning you all the time. When you're still like, you know, hooked into that high energy, high octane, high longing type of thing, you can't really like feel a person who is operating on a
subtle, unhealthy level. Okay? So it's gonna take you a little while. It's gonna take you healing time to be able to receive a sincere offer of courtship from a man. And that's okay. The fastest route to real
love is this slow way when you have what we have, CPTSD. Now I have this course, it's called, The Dating
and Relationships course, it's for people with childhood PTSD. You might wanna check it out. But the very first exercise is, what is your ideal relationship? And you write it down. And what is your ideal partner? And you let yourself be specific. You let yourself actually claim
what would be ideal for you knowing perfectly well, we
don't always get what we want, but a lot of what's been dragging you down are these relationships you've had. So, I hope that gives you
encouragement, Amelia. I love you for being honest and open. I love your struggle. I love the little girl who you once were, and who's still in there and who went through everything
you went through, okay? Now you're here for her. And I think you're in a marvelous place full with possibility. You know, something really
can happen for you now. And I hope you have the strength to honor yourself in
that way to go forward and hold out for the thing you
really want and you deserve. And if those of you watching, feel like you're still struggling with the effects of childhood
trauma on your romantic life, I've put a quiz down below where you can consider a
list of common symptoms that kinda are the signs
that that's what happen. You can see which ones
have been affecting you. You can also write me a
letter, like Amelia did, and if I can, I'll answer it in a video. If you love this topic and you want more tips
for people with CPTSD on finding real love, I've got a video picked
out for you right here, and I will see you very soon. (upbeat music)
