Steven Wright: Wicker Chairs and Gravity - 3/7

you my girlfriend hates when we take a bath together and I practice skipping rocks now she sits down the same end as me it's not as fun I was in bed with her the other night laying there reading my second-hand diary that I bought you know the pajamas with the feet I just said the feet you know when you put a stick in the water it looks like it's bent but it really isn't that's why I don't take baths so I'm laying there and she says to me let me ask you this I said what and she said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know I said no she said forget it then so I get out of the bed I figured I'd go for a walk she said how long you gonna be gone he said the whole time I'm walking down the street and I see a staple to a telephone pole poster it says reward lost $50 if found just keep it and I'm walking around I'm thinking about everything not everything like one thing at a time thinking about how I just got call waiting on my phone so now I'm gonna have to get another answering machine I can levitate birds but nobody cares it's a good thing there's gravity otherwise when birds died they'd just stay right up there Hunter's re all confused imagine if bearers were tickled by feathers see a bird fly by laughing hysterically I have an air conditioner in the window of my house last summer I turned around the other way I turn around full blast and it got cold out watch the weather that night they said it was supposed to be warm I don't understand and I was like this whenever I fail at an application it says in case of emergency notify but doctor what the hell is my mother gonna do okay I'm here now open him up I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller I remember the day the candle shop burned down everybody just stood around and saying happy birthday I bought this thing from my car you put it on your car it sends out this little noise so when you drive through the woods deer won't run in front of your car I installed it backwards by accident driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing those were the days it's driving down the street past a gas station there are two signs in the window Help Wanted self-service so I renard myself I made myself the boss I took all the money and I left it was driving down a street 100 miles an hour for no reason the police stopped me for speeding they said why are we going from so fast I said why and my foot to the floor sentence more gas through the carburetor it makes the engine go faster Oh car just takes off like that I said see this right here see this this steers it once I went through a stop sign they stopped me they said why he goes to the sign I said hey I don't believe everything I read then doing a little work around my house Akron hardwood floors over wall-to-wall carpeting I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall just so I'd be the only one who knew people come always he all right touch it it feels real on the walls my house have paintings of the rooms above them so I never have to go upstairs doesn't matter what temperature room is it's always room temperature my father always used to tell me that room temperature on the other hand you have different fingers when the trees blow back and forth that's what causes the wind sponges grow in the ocean that kills me I wonder how much deep in the oh she wanted to be if that didn't have it woke up this morning I was folding my bed back into a couch I almost broke both my arms cuz it's not one of those kind of best it's hard for me to buy clothes cuz I'm not my size I take extra medium just like medium with just a little bit of extra I like to aggravate the sails when money go into the store can I help you sir yeah you have anything I would like he says how do I know he would like I said you started this then I go over to where they make keys see this this is a copy I want you to make me the original walked up to a tourist information booth I walked up when I said yes so tell me about some people were here last year brought some land it was kind of cheap owes on somebody else's property but an ant farm I don't know where I'm gonna get tractors that small and bought a cordless extension cord it's like you don't even know yesterday about a decaffeinated coffee table we can't even tell by looking at

Channel: MrCache73

Views: 369,603

Rating: 4.8093457 out of 5

Keywords: comedian, standup

Id: qWAfRk5eYEU

Length: 9min 34sec (574 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 11 2011