Special Needs | Joe Eames | Stand-up Comedy

women are so much better to each other best example group chats you have good news to share like if a woman gets promoted and she goes in the group chat like hey gir's got that promotion all our friends are like yes Mama we knew you'd get it drinks this afternoon we love you if my friend came to a group chat and was like fellas I got promoted every single guy in the group chat in unison would be like where at the dick sucking Factory this next guy is his 8s regular start clapping right now come on out get excited for Mr Joe hey great stuff man good to be here I appreciate you guys being here there's only a couple weeks left in the year it's not that long it's crazy I uh I've been taking a lot of stock on the past year thinking about the highs and the lows and this might be the high point but I definitely know what the low point was I was I was watching television with my girlfriend and Dwayne The Rock Johnson appeared on the screen and she was like oh my god when I lived in La I used to date his body double cool don't [ __ ] tell me that you know she was like no no no I'm sorry it wasn't his body double it was his body guard oh that's only so much worse like you know he's he doesn't look like the biggest strongest guy in Hollywood he just made the biggest strongest guy in Hollywood feel safe and protected I don't have an equivalent of that my girlfriend's a lot prettier than me cuz I'm funny and that's how that works so when we compare X's she wins every time you know she's just like oh my God I used to date The Rocks bodyguard I'm just like uh one time I fingered a girl who looks like Flo from the Progressive commercial we' both had our brushes with Fame babe you know my girlfriend and I live together which is nice but uh the apartment we moved into it's it's I can't afford it uh it's too nice but I'm bad at communicating so she has no idea you know she she's like why'd you cry we'll sign in the lease just a big day just emotional I can't afford it cuz you know I do this and uh but even before I did this I worked in sales and I would get fired a lot first of all cuz they get all mad when you don't sell anything that's that's a real pet peeve of theirs but the other thing that would get me in trouble is this thing called slack sure yeah for those of you work in restaurants slack is like AOL Instant Messenger but just for people who work at your company so you can message any coworker directly but they also have these group threads where when you post in it everyone who works at your company gets a little notification all at the same time so hypothetically let's say this happened at a company named LinkedIn cuz that's where I was working when this happened and the whole company slack thread work there's 2,000 people that work at this company so the all employees slack thread was for emergencies only it only got posted in three times the first time was a guy from it going hey everyone welcome to slack and then the second time was a lady from HR going hey everyone due to Rising case numbers please take your laptops home with you until we figure out this covid thing and then the third time was me and just a little context little background uh in the 70s and 80s there was a gentleman he was the state treasurer for the state of Pennsylvania his name was Bud wire and Bud got caught up in a bribery Scandal where he not only had to resign the office but he was going to jail he's in a lot of trouble so he called a press conference to announce his resignation and at this press conference on live TV Bud dwire pulled out a gun and shot himself which means there's a video on the internet of Bud dwire pulling out a gun and blowing his brains out so I posted that video for all 2,000 LinkedIn employees it was just like Mondays am I right [Laughter] okay you guys way cooler than HR like I've been fired from other jobs in the exit interviews like hey you know we appreciated your efforts here it obviously wasn't a good fit but we wish you the best of luck and then LinkedIn the exit interview was just like hey man what the [ __ ] it was Thursday what are you doing [Laughter] speaking of killing yourself I went to a dry wedding [Laughter] recently so bad that was I'll never forget getting the invite you know you get the wedding invite you open the envelope you pull it out and on the bottom it just says this will be a dry wedding and it was the first time in my life I felt like I totally understood what my uncle went through when he got drafted to serve in Vietnam like oh [ __ ] they got me usually when I get invited to a wedding I'm like oh this is going to be expensive this was the first time I was like baby we need to go to Canada I need to flee yeah I took a lot of special ed classes growing up I don't know how to transition I took a lot of special ed classes growing up the first special ed class I ever took was a math class they took our whole grid and they broke us up into three groups and I swear to God these were the names of the classes it was high math medium math and low math that was the name of my math class to give you an idea of the curriculum at one point High math was learning algebra medium math was learning pre-algebra and me and my friends in low math were counting beans that's how I learned math Look At Me Now felt so bad for our teacher you know the teacher for high math was like hey guys be sure to bring in your ti 83 calculators teacher for low math was like guys they got to be dry beans these bushes honey barbecue butter baked beans are making a [ __ ] mess you guys I'll never forget one day I was I was adding two beans plus four beans to get six beans this was our midterm and I was in the lab crunching some numbers when uh our teacher was like Hey guys uh it's been brought to our attention that calling this low math is mean and hurtful so we're changing the names High math is now level one math medium math is now level two math and you guys are in level three math we were like that's incredible three beans is way more than one bean we did the math this is better this is a better plan so the whole school flipped on its like all the the special ed kids were suddenly bullying everyone else we we got pretty coog we're like yeah we're going Mach 3 Cod 3 and then one day everyone started calling us level three tards and here's the thing 2023 not a cool word to say 2004 the teachers thought it was funny put that on a shirt I took special ed classes in high school too cuz I'm consistent and with Junior High it was like okay we're going to break you guys up in a group so it's just predesignated like you'd be in the special ed math class but with high school at the beginning of the year the special ed room is completely empty and then throughout the year they assemble an elite team they come to you one at a time like hey we noticed your talents we're going to need you in this way smaller room it's a lot like the X-Men actually except in the X-Men the teachers in the wheelchair all right my favorite thing that ever happened in my special ed class was one time they took us on a field trip and with other field trips I'm sure you all remember it was like Hey in two months we're going to a museum but the special ed field trip they just walked in one morning like hey you're going on a field trip right now everyone get on the bus it's the bus you're picturing and we were like where are you T you know that question kids ask where are you taking us and they were like I grew up just north of the city and they were like yeah we're going to take a train downtown and then we're going to take another train back that was the whole pitch and you guys are like wow that's a pretty underwhelming field trip but to a room full of autistic teenage boys we were like did you say [ __ ] trains We're All Aboard okay if you don't get the joke autistic kids love trains it's a huge part of our culture and here's how much autistic kids like TR my friend David who's very wealthy now his life rocks you're allowed to laugh at this story uh when they said hey we're taking a train downtown and another train back David from the back of the classroom just went the next train leaves at [Laughter] 11:17 just a metro schedule on Deck way to go that's why he's a millionaire now good so we went on the field trip and like we've all heard the phrase tragedy plus time equals comedy I don't have any jok about the field trip cuz it was just the best day of my life kids were taking pictures with conductors like they played for the Bulls you so the next day I come back to school and I'm walking up to my friends who don't take special ed classes we called them Muggles and I walk up to a table full of Muggles and I'm like hey what's up how was your biology quiz ride any choo choos I rode these many you know so I was making fun of all those kids but then I found out that while me and the Fellas were riding the train my high school hosted a college fair so our impromptu field trip was clearly just someone in the administration being like we got to get the special kids out of the building put them on a train they'll lose their minds but no my favorite thing about that day was my friend Jim he was also in my special class so David millionaire now Jim uh one time he has to go to the bathroom and you know teacher was like like I don't know can you so he just pissed his pants and uh I didn't hear from Jim for years and then I swear to God uh one day he stormed the capital building so I don't know how was to end that story oh that's the best I was talking about weddings I I officiate a lot of weddings I've officiated seven weddings which sucks no I've never been the best man that's the speech I want to give you know the wedding officient I'm just like on behalf of the bride and groom we want to thank you all for being here and then at the reception the ma of honor is just staring at her phone like for those of you who don't know me my name's Jennifer and I met Jessica it's the worst speech in the world every time I'm in the back like why are you clapping she's bombing this is awful efficient speech boring made of honor speech boring and then they just unleash the drunkest guy in the building every best man speech just like hey what's so Brian's gay Brian's [Laughter] gay guys are just terrible friends women are so much better to each other best example group chats okay if you have good news to share like if a woman gets promoted and she goes in the group chat like hey girlies got that promotion all of her friends are like yes Mama we knew you'd get it drinks this afternoon we love you if my friend came in group chat and was like fellas I got promoted every single guy in the group chat in unison would be like where at the dick sucking Factory are you now the manager of the dick sucking Factory I knew you had it in you dude my friend Jake he posted in the group chat I'm in a group chat with a bunch of my best friends since like third grade we haven't said a kind of word to each other in 17 years Jake came in the group chat and he was like fellas big news Nicole is pregnant I'm gonna be a dad first response was Jake brother that is incredible at what age will you tell your kid about the time you came in your own pants and your baret's foot that's a true story you guys I'm about to get out of here but before I go I really want all of you to know that in the fall of 2004 Jacob Goldstein of Deerfield Illinois just busted all over himself while slow dancing with his Crush at his bar mitzvah so Jake is repeatedly asked me to stop using his real name when I tell him and I can't uh but the main reason he wants me to stop is he's a real estate agent here in Chicago so out of fairness to Jake if any of you are looking for an affordable condo in River North you should reach out to Jake Goldstein of Keller Williams properties he'll take care of you I've been Jo thank you [Applause] bye up with am

Channel: Zanies Digital

Views: 12,293

Keywords: standupcomedy, standupcomedian, zanies, zanieschicago, zaniescomedyclub, comedyclub, standup, standupclip, standupclips, chicagocomedy, chicagostandupcomedy, chicagocomedyscene, chicagolaughs, zanies chicago, joe eames, joe eames comedy, joe eames standup comedy, joe eames stand up, joe eames stand up comedian

Id: s5NO7Sn6JSk

Length: 13min 33sec (813 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 04 2023