Should We Fear A Lonely Life? | The Age of Loneliness (Full Documentary) | Only Human

paper was light gold in medieval times [Music] oh no tobacco sugar [Music] that everything we thought we knew about the world might turn out to be completely wrong [Music] we're looking at loneliness on bbc radio merseyside today and how people find the country has been described as the loneliness capital of europe because we are less likely the charity says that people are coming to them for help it could be you it could be me there are literally millions of us out there if it's killing us why does no one want to talk about it facing death doesn't bother me what scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone i can't let myself believe that that that this is it i am lonely and that's hard to say you don't have neighbors coming in to see you i live on lonely street the headlines say this is the age of loneliness they're calling it a silent epidemic three in ten of us feel lonely at least some of the time this is through the year it takes a very brave person to say what it's really like so i went out and asked them to be brave and talk about their loneliness my name is martin my name is ian my name is jay my name is richard and i am lonely [Music] in every corner of britain today people are living alone there are now 7.6 million single-person households in this country [Music] we leave home we get divorced we have mental health problems there are many reasons we become isolated to describe loneliness is one of the hardest things in the world you can't see it you can't smell it and you can't touch it you can only feel it when you've got it [Music] one of the most significant causes is that we now live longer we're left alone when our husbands wives or partners die dorothy is the familiar face of lonely we were married for 58 years i was only about 17 or 18 when i first met him so it was a lifetime war ideal were fitted together when eric was ill did you ever think about how lonely you would be without no why not no because i never thought that i'd be left without him at times i turn around and say eric why did you go but he'd ever shocked if he'd have heard me i think i've missed him so much that it it's just comes natural to say i've missed him i've missed you [Music] what's most surprising about the loneliness epidemic is that reports now show that it affects young people almost as much as their grandparents generation [Music] for 18 year olds like isabel leaving home can be a very difficult transition you tell everyone that you're going to university and everyone's like really proud this is a massive achievement you're going to love it you're going to love it i did think i was going to have what everybody else had find the comradeship in my house and i was going to go out fresh as weak and get a bit drunk as you go on you realize that you're on your own all the time you don't know anyone it's a new situation you don't really know what you're doing and actually you're really lonely i was very taken aback by loneliness social media is often blamed for the growing disconnect and isolation in our lives great when you're happy and popular but a horrible reminder when you're not facebook does kind of tend to make you feel a little bit worse particularly when you see the pictures of your friends having fun without you it's not so much that you lie you just kind of like brush it under the carpet oh it's great yeah you know how much you say and you know and then you kind of say like oh i'm just chilling by myself now and they kind of think it's because it's like oh you've been going out so much that you just need a bit of time on your own and actually that's all you have i do think a lot of students in the first year were lonely but they just didn't admit it you don't want to say actually i feel lonely you feel like people are going to judge you and you feel like people are going to mock you i've literally stayed in my room for three days [Music] sometimes a bit more it felt like a prison because i was in there all the time it feels like there's nowhere else to go and the silence makes you feel a bit funny so i locked my door it's like i'm stuck in it this is my prison were you scared i was scared of having to sit in that room i was scared of having to go back i was scared of the loneliness really [Music] our society has changed and being alone is increasingly part of life today we move away from family and friends we go to the cities to find work to have a career you're living the dream you're working hard you're playing hard and while those things are true you're not necessarily happy you feel like you just constantly need to be the top of your game i am a bit of a taipei where i busy myself and i want to sort of achieve achieve achieve hi yeah absolutely you've come through to the communications team and that can be a nice feeling sometimes but it can also be very very lonely it's an announcement and then we'll have our key spokes people on the ground as well as representatives from each of the regions to come in and be available for media i've lived in london for five years and i would still certainly have absolute moments of loneliness for sure in fact it almost feels like it's getting progressively stronger i kept saying to my parents well next christmas i'll be home now i'm 30 and now i just don't say i say i you know i'm here for the foreseeable i absolutely have days where i feel really sad and i do odd things such as get on google maps and like drive myself around the city and i check in to see my parents house in new zealand it does make me feel oh okay everything is you know they're still there and that is still my home often i would think what do i have to be lonely about i have a fantastic job i'm surrounded by people i live in london i mean there are just so many people here it's difficult to admit you're lonely to other people but i think one of the other key things you don't necessarily consider is it's really hard to admit it to yourself [Music] and it does take a while to i guess kind of click your head oh okay i think i'm lonely and nobody puts on facebook i've just spent the whole weekend inside eating 10 packs of hobnobs and watching friends people put how great and glamorous their lives are that was published recently everyone posts the best of the highlights reel on social media and the highlights reel is not real at all to fill the gap in her life kylie joined a charity that organizes monthly tea parties for lonely over 75 year olds i've been volunteering for three years with contact the elderly that has been a key part for sure of making me feel more connected to london making me feel more at home and it does provide some semblance of family i was very close to my grandmother in new zealand and she passed away i think it does fill that sort of void do you like your hand cutting and butter in the skunk would you like a i would like to serve yet the volunteers get just as much out of the charity as the elderly sort of lonely guest and i wish i'd found the charity as soon as i got to london because it would have made the first two years a lot easier kylie's loneliness isn't just caused by being far away from her family [Music] i moved over to london with my long-term partner we got married and we've recently separated he has made the decision to go back to new zealand and i want to stay in london i definitely feel a lot more lonely now it's really hard times like christmas and and anniversaries and things like that tea party's good yeah and and that's exactly it the tea parties have been really really helpful because sometimes sundays are quite hard too but you have that to pull you out of your the hull that you're in and um and they remind you as well that life you know goes on and these times will things will pass why i like the two parties because of not not for the tea not for the tea for the company i don't have any company here i got a hundred first person i've met i'm telling you when i go there i meet people and i chat i never anticipated being a hundred i had a wonderful life looking back at the time i just took it for granted [Music] a century ago when olive was born a woman's life expectancy was just 55. today it's 83 for so many this long twilight is now being spent alone my husband with my hand and my foot [Music] you won't imagine he did everything for me take me to work take me to church bring me back he's dead five years now all right yeah yeah i'll see you next time thank you so much bye i get up in the morning when the kids come she bathes me and i have my breakfast other than that i'm here on my own day after day just looking at the telly imagine you sit down here you don't have nobody to talk to so what what do you want olive what would help your life moral support company yeah i would like to have somebody to come in and give me a chat but all olive doesn't just sit quietly dozing in front of daytime telly in spite of being a hundred she still manages to get out in a boat if i have to go to exercise on tuesday ago i have to go to go to church and so every sunday and i go to a meeting every other wednesday other than that i'm here on my own and again pull the elbows back just to your hips three children seven grandchildren six great gram and one great great crab that's amazing yeah so how olive how can you be lonely with so many children and grandchildren that is the wonder i see myself i sit there every day and i wonder another living far i would live with them i wouldn't live with them you wouldn't no you told me olive that what you're really scared of is to die alone yeah yes that is what i want somebody to be with me and to hold my hand and even we say a prayer and i'm gone and now you're scared well nothing i'm scared what i'm saying is this that's what i would like i don't like to die alone and they come and find me but i think that is what's going to happen coping with loneliness for the very first time when you're in your 80s and 90s is bound to be profoundly difficult everyone has a different way of dealing with it 72 years with the same girl i mean we grew together she used to sort of say we joined at the hip to tell people we've been together for so long [Music] like a lot of people i mean cath and i we had children we bought them up we didn't volunteer to do anything we lived our lives and it wasn't until after she died that i realized that something had to change hello everybody i am bob lowe and welcome to this week's edition of the new milton talking newspaper with items of news for the week ending saturday the 6th of june 25th now here is an amusing lighthearted letter from a scout known as affects all of us at some point in our lives relocating to a new area you feel you're doing something good and when you get a feedback from the people it's nice to know that they appreciate what you're doing it's the quality rather than the quantity of relationships that counts people who are alone and do nothing deteriorate very rapidly whereas if you are really active um then you you keep your body juices going according to age uk a million older people have not spoken to anyone in the last month and i found that a really startling statistic why is this happening do you feel all bob do i feel old oh i'm not old i'm not old you're thinking i'm old no no no i'm 93 i'm not old are we becoming more disconnected not talking to people see i like to go to the shops nice and early before the crowds get in there so then i'm back you see my half past i heat and i've got the rest of the day ahead of me bob bustles about volunteering chopping trying to keep himself occupied [Music] but most days he finds himself drawn back to the life he wishes he still had [Music] there's nothing that can really replace what i've lost and as i look at the pictures of cath i'm afraid i can't help but cry so i'm going to stay lonely and have to live with it bob may have accepted that he will now be lonely to the day he dies but he's found a way of keeping cath by his side half the cremation the undertakers bought her ashes back here in a casket it looked horrible standing on the table so one of our daughters made the bag and i unscrewed the bottom of the casket and took her ashes out and then put them in the bag is it a comfort bob that you just feel cath's presence with you now oh very much so and now i get immense comfort from knowing that she is there or be it in the form of ashes without it i would really feel desperately alone it's bad enough being alone as it is to think that she wasn't here to me she's here would you rather have cath there even with alzheimer's than he did is that a dreadful question bob it's not a dreadful question under any circumstances i'd rather have had alive with me because um i could nurse her and that's what i'd prefer to do [Music] i think what makes so many of us feel lonely is the sense of no longer having a purpose [Music] the feeling that no one really loves or needs us anymore [Music] my husband myself my daughter my granddaughter all lived here we had family of four i went from a family of four to me very very quickly barbara's husband died of a heart attack her daughter of cancer and then her granddaughter moved out of the family home i remember clearly waking up in the middle of this night and thought my god barbara you're alone that's when it hit me the house was empty i had nobody no person you've no messages main menu to use a personal greeting press two i cannot make the phone ring i cannot make people come to the front door and ring the bell solitary is the word i would use i am lonely i am lonely i am lonely i do miss love in my life i miss that very much what about your friends where were they in all this isn't it awful to say i had no friends because when you're in a loving relationship and you've got your family you don't need friends so that when my need came i didn't have any friends to call upon is it that one of the voids in your life is that you felt that nobody needed you they don't need me nobody does need me don't feel needed except for the dogs they have to be fed they have to be watered they have to be loved what is it that's so special about the dogs they brought me through terrible notes sometimes they need me and i need them [Music] becoming a mum or a dad is normally considered one of the happiest points of your life but new research from charity action for children reveals a quarter of british parents admit to feeling lonely and isolated almost seven percent say they any big supermarket you look down the aisles and they'll be lonely mums just like myself pushing buggies they're there we're all there we'll do it i stopped doing a big weekly shop just so that i had an excuse to pop to the shops even talking to the cashier i won't go to the self-service things just to get a good conversation from the cashier like a bag for me how old did you learn ten months last week what's her name darcy oh it's myself [Music] my loneliness has come about since becoming a stay-at-home mum with the older two i went back to work at eight months my whole life revolves around the three children and my husband i don't have the social life that i used to have it's constant it's 24 hours people think you've got it lucky because you're sitting at home doing nothing well it's not the case i didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is my husband he's sometimes gone at five in the morning so i don't even see him and he doesn't get back to a gone six of an evening [Music] a lot of moms worked previous to having the children we've all been out and had our careers and then you've all of a sudden you're stuck indoors you've had yeah you've got a bundle of joy and people would absolutely give for that bundle of joy but you haven't got that adult conversation emily and a friend used social media to suggest a weekly buggy walk to other mothers they were amazed by the response i have got over a thousand followers on my twitter account at least fifty percent of them are mums either stay at home or they're lonely they use social media as their their social life i suppose it is embarrassing to admit you're lonely and it's one of the hardest things ever to admit that you're not 100 whether it be depression loneliness anxious sad it's really hard emily was brought up surrounded by a large extended family like many moms today she doesn't have that same support to fall back on mum and dad moved to a greek island 14 years ago they just retired out there basically i don't think i'd be anywhere near as lonely if they were here and i'd feel as though that hub that i had as a child with mine and granddad would definitely be back if they were here [Music] if life with young children can be a breeding ground for loneliness then when family life collapses the fallout can be enormous [Music] in britain today it's predicted that 42 of marriages will end in divorce ben's ended after 13 years i think divorce probably is one of the biggest causes of loneliness it upsets the whole of your life when your marriage breaks up suddenly you haven't got a map of your life in the future and you're thinking what comes next and actually the first day i moved in here i'd look cry and kids a little cry and i don't know you suddenly then have to find your own future and it's really hard so you don't just lose your partner in life you lose friends too you've suddenly gone from being a couple to being a single person and having no one to share life with so actually your whole social life changes when you split up the hardest thing for me would be being a dad and not seeing a lot of my children my boys are 15 and 13. um they're lovely children well one of them's lovely the other one's a bit of a my kids come home from school i'll cook their tea i'll talk to them they'll grunt at me they are self-absorbed i think is one way of putting it i love my kids but it is quite restrictive when they are in your house you you can't go out with your mates and all that sort of stuff so there are nights where you don't see adults night and night out so yeah it's lonely day 28 of being divorced he gave up his job to penny's next masterpiece i wrote my first book when when i was splitting up need to get out more and meet people maybe you should take up something punchy in middle class like pottery it was about loneliness and it's about things like waking up on a saturday morning when you haven't got your kids with you and it became real therapy i suppose that helped me combat the loneliness for a while because i could get lost in a different world and i could make myself smile but the emotions that i'd write about would be genuine emotions i i'd experienced day 28 of being divorced kid's not remotely interested in his career as an author kid's not remotely interested in talking to him full stop my first book reached number one on its relevant category on amazon so when they came home from school i was really excited i said oh yeah i'm number one on amazon that's great dad what's for tea there's not a cure for loneliness that's written down it's not like a recipe but you can follow 10 points and suddenly you're not lonely are we embarking on internet dating now we have embarked on internet dating yeah the pressure of dating is that i've got two children and they come first and i've got a routine with the children where i'm at home for three or four nights a week with them who are these two teams so it's very restrictive actually being a dad and dating but i think actually the alternative would be sitting feeling sorry for myself and i don't want to do that life is better for me when i'm part of a couple that doesn't mean i'm desperate to be part of a couple within the next two minutes but actually when i'm 65 i want somebody to share it with dinner is served i'm probably not quite as lonely as i was because i've learned to cope with it but i'm still lonelier than i would want to be nobody wants to feel lonely and if we are we hope it won't last forever what we can do is try to protect ourselves from being overwhelmed by despair [Music] i'm very good at putting a brave face on it i'm very good at kind of just getting on with life because you don't want to be that person who whinges i don't want to be bridget jones i don't want to be whinging about not having a boyfriend all the time it's so boring ten years ago jay moved to leeds for a new job leaving behind her life and friends in london i'm going to be turning 40 next year i didn't think i would be in this situation when i got to this age i was pretty sure i'd have the whole relationship thing sorted by now it's not happened at all i've actually spent most of my 30s single which is not how it is and sex in the city the last time i had a boyfriend somebody who said we're in a relationship we're in this together was 13 years ago i think being single is the the biggest cause of my loneliness i'm missing a deeper connection with someone in particular i think how scared are you of it loneliness i don't think i'm scared of the feeling loneliness i've endured it i know i'm capable of getting through it but i am scared of getting to a point where that's all that there is i'm lying in bed or i'm just out wondering why nobody wants me what what it is that you're doing wrong that means that for some reason you're completely undesirable when it gets really dark when i'm feeling really down about myself i tend to focus on my weight i tend to think that that's that's the only thing i can think of that's really changed in like the last 13 years is that i've put on weight i'm not gonna meet any um single guys at weight watchers i think if i thought i was going to meet single guys i might go to weight watchers do you think you're going to be able to come to terms with that this might be it that that could be you and your own i mean how does that make you feel sorry i i can't i can't i can't come to terms with that um i don't and that's what's hard because i don't know how to change it um i i can't i can't let myself believe that that that this is it if you live in a big city there's every chance you won't even know the people next door a recent report shows that more of us than ever before are living alone so does that mean that we are a lonelier society than we once were if you live i worry about ending up alone i really do what if it doesn't change what if this is it sounds awful it sounds like i'm basically saying i'm going to kill myself eventually and i i know i i i don't think i'm saying that but i'm i i don't think i'm not saying that [Music] i have resorted to internet dating i think i've got to the point where i try and make a joke out of it i try not to care i try not to put any weight on it i casually flick through being all optimistic and and light-hearted about it but actually it's really horrible yeah yeah it is it's quite it can be quite grim and and sometimes actually going on there is worse than not being on there at all it almost feels like another place to be rejected in real life there's nobody there i can't find anybody there isn't anybody who seems to be wanting me and i've just opened myself up to another platform and a whole host of other people who aren't interested in me either i sometimes wonder if i'll get to a point where i'll just go yeah anyone will do um but i don't i don't think i will [Music] every year that goes by you think oh yeah it'll happen soon it's got to happen soon it can't it can't carry on like this it can't really be like this all the time and then you start to think that maybe it will [Music] i do try to hang on to the hope that there is still somebody out there for me i just i don't know how to find him it takes a very brave person to admit to themselves and others how lonely they really are men tend to be reluctant to talk about their emotions let alone discuss them in public richard is 72 and lonely for the first time in his life i had no understanding of loneliness at all until charlie died having lived with her for 40 years 20 years of that time she was fighting one problem after another that could have taken her life you learn quite a lot about facing death that doesn't bother me neither does dying what scares me most is spending the rest of my life alone richard keeps himself fit and active his doctors have said he has a strong heart and he could live for another 20 years or more i've got everything materially that most people want but that's the point i've got material things yes i've got a gorgeous house i've got more than enough money for the lifestyle i want to live i have a boat in the mediterranean i have a superb family five children 12 grandchildren and a great grandchild doesn't do the business i am lonely the only solution is to find another woman that's that's a degrading statement i i need a soul mate i need a pal avoiding a problem doesn't make it go away you have to confront it so i i try to confront it every day and it is every day it's not you know this is not something that i feel lonely on fridays or once a month it's it's 24 hours a day in a room full of people smoking no way happy with that romantic i like romantic hasn't got any animals high school earns less than 25 richard's search for a new partner sees him now spending up to four hours a day on dating sites i'm a positive sort of guy but i think my chances of success are pretty remote i think if i was 20 30 40 years old even 50 maybe that might be easier [Music] you know i'm playing the dating game because i want a partner it's not that we're looking for people to do things with i am doing things with you each morning you know when i have coffee that's good i've got plenty of things like that to do my life is full i got nobody to do nothing with i want a partner i will not survive without it um but then what keeps me going at the moment is the fun of doing it we have the banter in here don't you take you take the mickey out of me when i tell you tell you the stories you have to have them ticking all the bloody boxes and it's not saying you've got to you've got to roll with the punches you know it's it's that's true i can't i can't disagree with that yeah you've got to enjoy your own company and i don't if i'm honest i don't [Music] going to bed at night on my own i still dread that after four and a half years i want to be able to give you can't give unless you've got somebody to give to it's an awful feeling this sounds dreadful so but it is an awful feeling i walk in that door it's like opening the door on loneliness if being alone at some point in our lives is now inevitable for most of us is there any way we can face it more positively can we learn to be alone without being desolate and lonely the author sarah maitland lives in a remote corner of scotland she embraces and enjoys solitude in a more radical way than most of us would ever be able to do one of her books is called how to be alone i don't really do lonely i like being alone and choosing solitude is a really different thing from having it thrust upon you by usually bad life circumstances after my marriage ended for the first time my life i was living alone i went to live in the country and what i discovered after three or four years is that i really really liked it i'm very interested to explore ways in which it is possible to be a modern hermit and one of the joys that i feel given and given by god is the extraordinary beauty of where i live this area has an extraordinary soundscape it's unusually silent there is an astonishingly attentive hush on a moor which i just love my lifestyle is a very good fit for my in a world by psychology i'm happier now than i've ever been happier and is that to do with solitude it is to do with the circumstances of me in my solitude i don't think there's a thing over there called solitude which somebody would deliver these goods to anybody who kind of bought a house in the country i don't think it quite works like that [Music] [Music] people are experiencing loneliness and not liking it we don't want to spend time with ourselves we don't want to spend time alone the commonest reasons for loneliness our breakup of relationship and bereavement neither of those are nice experiences before you start of course you don't feel great about it this idea that relationship is what makes you happy makes not being in one gives you a predisposition to be unhappy that if you're not in a relationship you're somehow a yeah failure and i think what's frightening about this is that aloneness is becoming more and more unavoidable so is the loneliness epidemic related to the mental health epidemic both ways both loneliness is causing depression and depression is causing isolation because it seems to me we've got two epidemics going on um and however chirpy i want to be about alone is i do not want to be chirpy about mental health i think the mental health issues are damaging our society new research from the mental health foundation links loneliness to mental illness and says it can be accompanied by depression addiction and other psychological i've been married twice and then had another relationship as well unfortunately one of the relationships turned out to be physically abusive so i haven't been on my own all the time but i'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely in a relationship because i think of anything that's probably well it is worse yes there is clear evidence that loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety but it can also impact and i mean i'm lonely now you know really um although you know as long as i don't talk about it it's fine i've got four children my daughter's the eldest and then the the three boys but they live all over the country so i don't get to see them that often as a family there's not that physical or emotional closeness when christine was in her twenties and at home with her young children she had what today would be recognized as postnatal depression now 72 she spent most of her adult life on antidepressants i mean i i have tried to commit suicide a couple of times but i made the decision that that was not an option i just couldn't do that to the family so okay you're not doing that so therefore you've got somehow you've got to make this work to make it work christine radically changed her lifestyle managing to come off medication for the first time in 40 years my week i need it to be very structured so i've got a reason to get out of bed in the mornings exercise is absolutely critical for my mental health as well as my physical health that's why i go to the gym why i go swimming from experience i know if i haven't got things planned the depression will start kicking back in again that really scares me the um you know of going downhill again and having to go back on antidepressants christine admits she finds it hard to make friends and tends to keep everyone at arm's length i'm good at listening but i don't want to tell people how i'm feeling because it's too painful really i just don't think i'm a very nice person and i don't deserve to be somebody's friend um [Music] recently with sort of illnesses and i've sort of remade my will and sort of talked about um dying so i've donated my body to medical science if i'm very honest about this and this is quite difficult to say um one of the reasons is because i don't want to have a funeral and nobody turn up because i think that would be the loneliest thing i mean my children would be there but who else that that's really why because i think if you you know if you had a funeral nobody came [Music] 150 miles away in birmingham lives christine's son ian [Music] they talk on the phone every week but see each other only once or twice a year normally for me my day starts at about four in the afternoon and then i'll watch a bit of telly depending on the tv schedule i'll either play a game or watch a bit more tv and then just sort of keep playing games watching telly until about three or four in the morning and that's when i go back to bed so you're hiding yeah i'm hiding hiding from everyday life is what i'm doing and trying to sort of only expose myself to the bits i feel are safe how long has your life been like this um probably getting on for 10 years ian used to work in i.t but after the death of his father his anxiety and depression overwhelmed him he hasn't worked or had a relationship since ian is 42 years old and his tiny flat is now both his sanctuary and his prison you do start wondering if the walls aren't closing in a little bit i think it's very difficult for me to separate the depression and the loneliness if you've got issues with depression they just feed off each other so you're sad you don't feel like going out or doing anything so you stay in and then you feel lonely which just makes you sadder so you are less likely to want to go out and do anything which makes you more lonely it's a vicious circle loneliness has been with me on and off for all of my adult life sometimes it's very important just to hear a friendly voice just to reaffirm that actually the rest of the world is still there [Music] what's the longest in that you've been in this room and not seen anyone two weeks was the longest that i've been here on my own there are days when i don't particularly want to wake up [Music] i can't imagine life without the games because they provide me with my high points you know they let me feel that i'm achieving things they uh occupy my time so that i don't have to think about how stuff is ian isn't just trapped in his flat by anxiety and depression like many others with mental health problems he's also trapped by lack of money he lives on just eight pounds a day what three things do you think then would make your life better or one thing i think i'd only need you know someone just to come and see me maybe for a couple of hours once or twice a week really helps if there's something to look forward to if you know when you know that actually i've got i've got this coming up you know then then that can up until that point that can that can keep me going for you know weeks one of the reasons that i'm so pleased to be doing this is because of the company you know it's it's nice to have people here [Music] one in four of us will experience a mental health problem in any given year [Music] having a complete breakdown as martin discovered puts you in a very lonely place i left home when i was 16 and joined the army you've got to be driven with that you see a problem you just put your head down and go for it i joined network rails project manager i was in charge responsible of delivering enhancement projects on the railway at one point up to 40 million pounds i was always known as the go-to person if there was a problem and if the project's failing give it to martin he'll turn it around and i started to measure my own self-worth through my achievements at work so that was fine until i started to get overwhelmed with work and it was lonely because i was looking at the people thinking well how come they can manage this how can they can cope i'm no good i'm failing at this how can i be failing when we found out i'm gonna lose my job i didn't want to go home and talk to my wife what i was feeling how much of failure i felt i know i was just convinced i was gonna get made redundant and if i was gonna get me redundant well why would she be with me i felt as if i couldn't talk to anybody in my office i felt sort of trapped in that environment that's incredibly lonely because you don't you can't associate with people you've got no empathy with people and i felt like i can't carry on like this and i thought about suicide i need to end this i need to stop being like this and soon as i thought about ending my life my thoughts came down completely calmed martin did his research thoroughly carefully choosing the method of his planned suicide and the day he was going to do it a friday i'm sat there with my wife thinking i'm going to kill myself not thinking planned and i felt so isolated by myself i didn't say that to the one person who knows me the best in the world if that isn't loneliness i don't know what it is i said goodbye to my wife and i think i said i love i loved you i love you and i think i said two or three times before i left as if i was saying goodbye to him [Music] on his way to town martin dropped into his local health center and calmly discussed his suicide plan with the nurse i was in the clinic and the door opened there was three very large body armored police officers there and i thought to myself oh what's going on here then [Music] when they said you've got two choices you know you can have a come with us voluntarily well we're going to put the cuffs on here martin checked into hospital voluntarily and stayed there for several weeks receiving treatment i've had depression and i tried to kill myself these are all you know socially unacceptable and you think what people can think of me friends would come around the house asking how i was and i was scared to talk to them i couldn't believe anybody would understand how i felt so i wasn't speaking to anybody about it that's lonely it took a long time a supportive wife and a sympathetic employer and eventually martin was back in his feet and back at work but he's a very changed man these days this is a short meditation designed to settle and ground yourself in the present moment so finding a comfortable position either lying on a mat or a thick rug if you tell me i was practicing mindfulness meditation 10 minutes every day i'd have laughed at you and said there's no way i'll be a tree hugger no way on this planet would i be doing that remembering that the aim is simply to notice where the mind has been then gently escorting your mind back to the breath having to man up so to speak to the fact that my thoughts and my emotions are not quite right and learning cup mechanisms and being honest with my emotions has murdered me a much better person i think and if there are no sensations simply registering a blank this is perfectly fine [Music] five and six fifty six seven and four seventy four if it was for my wife i wouldn't be where i am now i've rebalanced my work life so i spend more time with my wife every thursday night we play bingo which i would never have said five years ago four and six forty six so it's a little bit of mindfulness bingo if i can't change the past all i can do is put things in place now to have a better future you've only got one life and work isn't it your family is it one number ten i'm having a life it's really quite nice if this really is the age of loneliness then we're all going to have to find new ways of dealing with being alone for some there is no easy or obvious solution [Music] for others the loneliness will pass and they'll find their own way through it's often the smallest gestures of kindness that make the biggest impact the weekly visit the monthly tea party the army of volunteers lonely lives can be transformed by something as simple as a weekly phone call from a stranger [Music] silverland was a lifeline it stopped me a world of good have you finished the crossword it's somebody there somebody who's taking notice and caring a little i'll call you next week we began with dorothy the familiar face of lonely a feisty and determined 85 year old widow you've got to go on living i didn't want to turn out to be a moaner it's six years since eric died and dorothy always knew as they had no children that going on living would mean being totally alone i've looked at a photograph and i thought do you know there's nobody alive on that except me i'm the only one left what can you do there's nobody else there so you just have to grin and bear it you've got to go out and meet people again you've got to put yourself forward and i've started going to computer classes i was about 85 a late learner or black people so should we go and look at the pleasure beach yeah right so go down to pleasure beach and click on pleasure beach amazing i'm learning bit by bit i enjoy going i like the people i meet there it's again it's meeting somebody do you enjoy your life now dorothy i enjoy what i can of my life well it's different the main thing in my life i love people and i think this is why i feel lonely as well i love people i like to talk to them and discuss things dorothy was ill even before eric died but she decided against having treatment i had nobody to have to keep myself going for except a few friends yes it'll miss me but it's not the same not like missing family what do you think dorothy would make your life less lonely a house full of people that's the only way to cure it we had a lovely time filming with dorothy then we heard that she died five weeks later in her home alone [Music] you

Channel: Only Human

Views: 625,276

Keywords: Only Human, Only Human channel, documentary, social isolation effects, social isolation depression, social isolation and loneliness, social isolation experiment, social isolation documentary, social isolation elderly, social isolation pandemic, social isolation mental health, social isolation abuse, mental health documentary, getting old and lonely, how lonely do we get when we age?

Id: r4g5tqcoH_4

Length: 60min 4sec (3604 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 27 2021