Geoffrey here in this video I'm going
to show you why following the no contact rule, it may actually be a bad idea if you
find yourself in a longterm relationship and it really wants you to stay tuned to
the end of the video because I'm going to show you what you can do instead. And this new thing has really
worked for all my clients. I'm sure that if it worked for all my
clients, that'll work for you as well. Now, in case we haven't met, my name is Jeffrey and I help men
and I help empower men in longterm relationships or marriages with the
right skills, with the right knowledge, with the right mindset to be able
to create thriving relationships for themselves. So if you want more
content, if you want more videos, they can empower you to create
this thriving relationship. Then you want to subscribe to this channel
and click the bell button as well to be notified when I post new videos
three times every single week. [inaudible]. Now real quick, before
we begin this video, I want to let you know that a few spots
have opened up for the free master class. I'll be hosting on the five proven steps
to rebuilding your relationships from the ground up. So if you want internet
masterclass that interests you at all, then you want to stay tuned until the
end of the video for more information on that. Now, if you're struggling in your relationship
and you find that your partner wants to separate or that she wants MySpace
or she wants to break from you, you will most likely have heard of
this thing called the no contact rule. And it's basically when you're trying
to avoid contacting your partner for days, for several days, or
even several weeks sometimes. And the whole principle behind this, the whole spirit behind this is that
you want to make your partner miss you a bit. You know, absence makes
the heart grow fonder. Um, you want to make our wonder about you,
you want to make her think about you. You want to make increase the intrigue
and mystery and curiosity towards you. Basically you want to make them feel
a bit of FOMO, fear of missing out. And I want you to know that. And you know
when most coaches discuss this topic, they're really discussing this topic in
the context of the dating stages or the early parts of a relationship. And not really in the context of longterm
relationships where there's a lot of history, there's a lot of,
you know, past baggage, perhaps a lot of past memories and so on. That might be changing the context of
this no-contact rule. Now, you know, this might seem like a small difference, but this actually makes
a massive difference. The first thing you need to
understand is that you know, in relationships people
are always forward looking. So if you feel good about
the future of a relationship, if you feel positive about
it, if you can dream about it, you can think about it in positive terms, then your feelings about your relationship
with this person and will also be positive in the present time. And the second thing you
have to understand too is
that when it comes to guiding your future, you're
using your past memories, your past history with that person to
guide your idea or your picture of the future. So again, two things. How you feel about your relationship
today will depend on your picture of the future and your picture of the future
of your relationship will depend on the memories you have, the past
you have with that person. And I think that when you try to look
within and actually analyze this yourself, that is really the mechanics of how you
feel about your relationship today as well. So in the context of dating or
in the early stages of relationship, what happens is there's not
really much history to go by. You guys just met your just
began. So whatever you do today, whatever actions you take today will
have a much greater impact in creating those early memories of you
and your relationship. Right? So if you find at this point moment that
your partner is going cold and going distant and you play the no contact
rule, then your no contact action, that's the only thing she can go by and
indeed that will increase the level of mystery that will increase the level of
intrigue and the level of curiosity for your, perhaps she'll miss you more and wonder
about you more and think about you more and so on, which is great, but let's see how the story changes as
you move from the dating phase of the early stages of relationship
to where where you are now, maybe where you're married for multiple
years together for multiple years or even multiple decades sometimes. Now
when you're in a longterm relationship, there's a lot more past
memories to go by. Past hurts, past pains and so on that you
have to go by and let's face it, when your punter wants a separation, usually the past here
is more bad than good. It's more pain than pleasure because
if there's more pleasure or good than pain or the bad stuff, then your partner wouldn't be wanting
a separation in the first place. So when you give your partner the no
contact, all you're doing is five things. Number one, you are letting her
relive all the memories of the past, all the pains of the past. And
as we talked about earlier, the pains of the past is what we'll paint
the picture for her of what the future would look like and what
the future looks like. We'll paint the picture of how she
feels about your relationship today. So if you simply play the no contact
rule and you simply want to make her miss you, make her want to wonder about
you, to think about you. Yes, she's going to think about you, but she's going to think about you
within the context of your past. She says you're going to relive all
those memories instead of the no contact rule being as positive thing for you. You can end up backfiring
on you pretty hard. And number two is that you also can show
her that you don't really understand the problem if you're playing the no
contact rule and playing a loof and trying to treat this as if you're dating.
Again, when you're doing this, you may be showing her that you have
no idea how much pain and hurt you've caused her and it was just kind of
pretending like the problem doesn't even exist here. Which brings
me to number three, which is that you're not really interested
in resolving or changing the nature of the issue as well, that you don't even
know the problem exists. And so this, if you don't know the problem exists, you don't really know what
to change in the first place. The fourth thing that it can show her is
that you're trying to play this hard to get game, this power game,
this mind games with her, it's mine chicories and that can
seem pretty childish as well. And the fifth thing is that you may
be implying that you're blaming the separation on her. That is her being difficult and is her
being a difficult one being the tough one that's wanting to separation in the
first place and that she needs to come to you before you can do anything about it
before you were willing to do anything about that and the truth here is that
she doesn't need to miss you if you're in a longterm relationship and your partner
wants to separate or one space from you, the last thing you need is to play this
game where you're trying to make her miss you. Instead what she needs is to
see a reason, a different use of that. She can picture this brighter future
than what she's experiencing now because again, the reason why she wants to separation
right now is that she cannot paint a good picture of the both of you in the future
and the reason why she can't paint a good picture for the both of you in
the future is because of the past. She's using the past as a guidance
to what the future will look like. But if you can show her that you have
changed, that you can resolve things, then you can change that cycle. You can change that pattern to where
now she no longer thinks the past equals the future. She now she thinks the future
can be different because
this person is different. Now am I saying that you need to go
to the other extreme where you're continuously begging and pleading to
your wife that you want her to come back and so on? Not at all. I'm not saying
we should go to the other extreme. The other extreme is also a bad
because that's when you're needy, you're desperate, and you're just
going to show her that you're, you can get unhinged very easily and are
very stable. You're not very, you know, a good partner to be with in longterm. And the real answer here is that
you need to find this balance, this middle ground between
being too pushy and too needy. So how do we actually find this
balance? This is two parts. So the first thing you want to do is to
let your partner know simply that your door is open, that she's
welcome to come in at any time, but you don't want to do
this just however you want. Do this by saying four things. One, simply start by acknowledging to your
partner that you respect her desire to separate to one space and so
on. Just acknowledge that. Second part is you want to acknowledge
your responsibility and your commitment to bettering yourself. The number three is you want to express
your paranoia in terms of praise and trust. And then number four is you
want to simply leave the door open. So what do we mean by this? How
does this four steps look like? So it might look like you saying
this, Hey honey, look, I get it. You want a separation? I get that. I
just want you to know that I'm, you know, I realized that what I've done wrong, I've realized the mistakes I made and
I'm committed to bettering myself. No matter what the outcome is here,
no matter what you choose to do, I'm still committed to
bettering myself. Now, you know, I know that you're observant. I know that you can see people's changes
when they make them and I trust that when I do make my changes that you will
see that my changes are real and they're permanent and you know you'll make the
right decision when you see my changes. I just want you to know in the meantime
that my door is open and that you can come in and talk to me about
anything, about our relationship, anytime that you want and why
does this script work so well? There's four reasons there. Number
one is shows your genuineness. She knows at this point that whatever
issues you're having that is causing her to want to separate, can not
be fixed in the short term. She knows this and by you not trying
to trick her or trying to say something that tries to fix the problem
immediately. Instead you're saying, look, I know the problem isn't with me. Let me look within to figure out what
the problem is and to for me to better myself. You're showing your genuineness
gender. Isn't that your attempt, your motivation for wanting
to better yourself as genuine. You're not just trying to
trick her into coming back. You actually generally trying to find
what you can do better so that you can create a better relationship with
the two of you and that becomes more believable in her eyes. Number two
is that it shows your commitment. It makes your intentions very clear
in that you're not here to blame, you're not here to point fingers, you're
not here to tell her her is her fault. You're completely looking
within here to say, look, I know part of this is my fault
and I'm willing to confront that. Take responsibility for that and actually
do something about it and actually commit myself to this relationship to
you to make this better for us in the future. And number three, you know when we talk about
the praise and trust portion, when we say for example, Hey,
I know you're really observant, I know you can see people's changes and
I trust that when I do make my changes you will be able to see it as well. You are inviting and planting that seed
and it kind of challenging her bit to see or changes to be curious about
your changes. And number four, this one's very important is that it
lets her know that the ball now is in her court. You have expressed
what you're going to do. You're going to be focused on bettering
yourself, on working on yourself. In the meantime, you're simply opening
your door and letting her know that, Hey, now it's on you to actually come in the
door and let me know when you're ready to come in the door and talk to me and
have a conversation again and maybe not separate anymore. And the fourth thing is important and
finding that balance because this is when, once you say this four part script,
this is when you can really sit back, work on yourself, work on bettering
yourself, learn new skills, learn new ways to communicate with her
to better yourself and simply wait for her to reach out to you. And so this is
the part when you're being non-pushy, you're putting the ball in her court
so you're not having the need to always constantly ask yourself, do I
need to reach out to her now? Do I need to reach out to her
now? No, you've opened your door. She will come in when
she is ready to come in. She will reach out to you when she's ready
to reach out to you. In the meantime, all you have to do is just sit back, relax better yourself and wait
for her to reach out to you. And when she does reach out to you, then that's when you can use all
the new skills that you've learned. When you're trying to better yourself,
that's when you can show your excitement, your enthusiasm to spend time with
her, to talk to her, to listen to her, to discover more about what went wrong, and this is how you avoid that
being cold fish and the spectrum. Because whenever she
does reach out to you, you're showing her that you're
excited, you're ready to talk. You are a changed person, that
you're a different person, that you're giving her reasons to think
of why the future can be different than the past. So for example, you
want to show you that you care. You want to show your enthusiasm,
your excitedness to discover more, to learn more about her point of view, to understand the past hurts
and the past pains a bit better. You want to show her that you
can lead the conversations, actually dig deeper to figure out
what is the root cause of the issues. What is the root pains that you may not
have figured out before you want to show her that you want to and you can
understand her on a deeper level, much deeper than what you
could have done in the past. You want to show her that you can discuss
difficult topics and actually come up with good solutions by understanding first
and then coming to a win win solution together. And you want to show her first and
foremost that you are capable of massive positive change again to show her that
the past doesn't always have to equal the future. Now at this point, this whole concept of bettering yourself
may seem very vague for you at this point. I mean what does it
mean to better yourself anyway? It's to become richer, to become
more Jack, to become more muscular, like what does it actually mean? And you might also find that if you say
these four things that I told you to say that she might resist you, that she might still give you issues
and still be suspicious and resistant to whatever you have to say as well. The
truth is that this process is very, very nuanced as you can imagine. So if you want to learn more about the
exact steps that you need to take to rebuild a relationship, the exact skills you need to learn to
better yourself during this part of separation, then you want to join my free
masterclass and the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship
from the ground up. And in this masterclass you will learn
the exact process that all my students have used to get away from
divorce, get away from separation, and actually rebuild their relationship
to something that's thriving. You will learn how to simplify the
problems in your relationships so that you don't have to think about a thousand
things anymore to fix your relationship. Instead, you only need to think about
the one thing, the one important thing, the one next step that you need to take
to be able to rebuild a relationship and invite her back in. And I'm also going to show
you some mindset shifts in
this masterclass that can allow you to completely change your
approach, change your paradigm, and change the way you look
at your relationships today. They will change you
actually for the better. So this master class
sounds interesting to you. I want you to click the link above my
head or the link in the description box below this video or in the
comments below as well. And if you're looking for a free resource
that can help you lead conversations better lead interactions
better with your partner, you know the interactions that never
ever leads to an argument and the interaction that always creates more
safety creates more deeper emotional connection so that you can invite
your partner in to come closer to you. Then you also want to download the free
guide I have for you and it's Christian box below this video or above my head
right now and if you're looking for a community where you can post your
questions and actually get good advice on those questions from other members
of the community or myself, then you want to join my free Facebook
group where you can do exactly that and get the support that you need
during this difficult time. If you want to join that Facebook group. The link is also in description box
below this video. In the meantime, I do want you to leave a comment below
on what did you find most insightful or most eyeopening in this video.
Let me know your thoughts. I would love to hear from you, and
if you found this video helpful, go ahead and like it and subscribe to
this channel for more content like this one. In the meantime, I
do want you to watch this, two other videos to recoup you with the
right skills and knowledge to be able to understand what to do in your
relationship and to make it thrive. In the meantime, I will
see you in the next video.
