Selma Blair Gets Emotional Discussing Long-Standing Health Issues

[Music] well just how are you doing i know every day is different how do you feel today yes it's it is the strange thing about ms it really it really is so variable and changes i'm feeling really great now i mean i'm here with you we're in front of the fire i have my dog i'm going to see my horse i wrote a book the book is phenomenal i'll just say it you are a writer selma blair thank you it means so much it's hard enough to write a book it's it's hard harder still to do it when you don't have all your faculties about you every day it was the kindness of strangers who are no longer strangers brittany bloom and my my my book agent at the book group and julie um [Music] the space they held for me and helping me and helping me type i would send on a you know yellow legal pad and take a picture be like can you type this and now of course now that the book's finished i can read them right just fine suspicious i know anybody how that works we got through it we got through it and how do you feel knowing it's about to be out in the universe i'm thrilled because when i did come out with the ms diagnosis it really felt freeing um [Music] but mostly to see that it helped other people just have a touchstone made me feel really good it made me feel more useful um i'd always get on myself oh you're lazy you want to sleep but then when i realized just at least by the act of being as honest as i could um it did something for other people and that in turn empowered me and you know it's just a whole thing of world we're all in this together well it's called mean baby you got to explain the title when i was just born people came over to visit the new bitener baby that was my last name and they ran out of that house these teenagers don't go over there the biters have a mean baby and it's stuck the things you're called how they become part of your story whether you mean to or not sometimes you write in the book about some very painful episodes including you wrote about a teacher an educator who violated you and you say he didn't rape me but he broke me he broke me i loved him loved him father figure having a personal betrayal of someone that loves you be so inconsiderate of your life path really hurt it hurt me and i miss him still as a friend the person that i had met and and cared for as a mentor but it feels to me you were quite courageous i discovered wonderful things writing the book like how much i had witnessed of friends and what i'd witnessed and what a gift that was here and even you know how much i love sharing things with people but it wasn't until writing this book and and there is this mention of a rape it was something i didn't even think of because i think there are so many trespasses on my life or things were cloudy with my shame my such a deep shame of my drinking in the past that i was talking one day to brittany and i immediately told this after this spring break trip and then and i said but i i won't i'm not going to write that in the book and she said well maybe you want to and then i thought oh of course i have to so many people have had some similar experiences that you just tuck away because you think people are gonna say what did you do and why didn't you report and why didn't you do why didn't i was a kid i was young and even now it's hard to report stuff it's hard it's really hard and so i put it in the book and i even cringed as i was doing the audiobook cause i thought how many more stories do i have like this that i didn't even acknowledge because there's so many and i felt so sad for my body i felt so sad it kind of took the book and this process to even make you realize that you you were a victim people can take advantage and and then you're just too ashamed to say anything and then you just bury it and you bury it you really do and things do come back later when you're in a safer spot but you still feel don't say you feel unsafe to say it but i realize i am safe and yeah i am glad it's in the book it's a big deal to have these things happen and to hold that shame in your cells like it's you like it's all you are is someone that's not worth helping on the side of the road that you're worth someone to say she's nothing i'll never see her again she's probably passed out the whole night you know well the body remembers the body remembers and i want it to remember some love i wanted to remember this day i want to remember this pink sweater and this dog and my son i want to remember i want to remember all the things that feel good i want other people to too don't be so indignant because we can't all have our ways let's move forward and help each other yeah sometimes when horrible things happen people the shame cycle is so big and i wanted to say there is no real room for guilt in moving forward there isn't there's not much i feel ashamed of anymore because it just happened and i did it or someone did it to me and i'm i'm okay now but things will keep happening and i'll keep having to figure out how to rise above and in some ways it's that frame of mind that helped you finally get rid of alcohol and kick alcohol out of your life how did you finally conquer it what made the difference for you it was only self-medicating and it wasn't working anymore and when there was public humiliation and i owned it there's no going back i mean now that i was a mother it just changed everything i think that's incredibly inspiring when you've made mistakes you own them and you turn the page and you smile and go forward you do what you can to make it right for those affected and yourself and it's important that you acknowledge really acknowledge and and nothing's going to help by still beating yourself up you write in the book i desperately love a story we all have one i carry mine inside me you carry yours inside you i can hear mine now in my own voice strong and clear what's your story my story is that people would say to me and i would roll my eyes when they don't give up before the miracle don't commit because i really was i could not picture living long but i think that my story really is that i am figuring it out now and i am kind to myself and i really do really do have the capability to love you're not the mean baby i'm not the new baby i mean we all can be a mean baby sometimes well she needs to come out sometimes i mean stuff for sure let's talk about your mom it struck me that she was extraordinarily complex glamorous and beautiful and dynamic and also emotionally elusive to you at times and sometimes cruel i mean i still adore my mother she's the most important my sisters we cherish her adore her she's on a pedestal but no she was not a cuddly woman she was a role model she was a judge she was a million things but her idea of me was not going to be matt with with what i was i guess i find it is so universal that we adore our parent so much but it but it's complicated i felt how torn you could be about your mom who you clearly adored and she adored you and yet there were stories that you reveal in the book that are kind of jaw-dropping it's hard because when you grow up with someone like that you don't realize because i'm a little like her too you know so you don't realize how like outlandish some things can seem when someone's kind of eccentric yeah but my son said it to me i told him you know my mother she was so critical by nature and he's like like you i'm like i am but i think you're perfect he's like all you do is nag at me oh wow like that's my kind of love language thinking i could pick apart someone to make them better or something i was really struck by when you were a little girl one of the first things you learned is your mom saying i wasn't sure when i was pregnant with my last baby that i really wanted to have a baby but you know in her defense to say i didn't want you it wasn't meant to be hateful she meant it to say oh that would have been such a mistake to get rid of you thank god i have baby blair what was it like to grow up in that house i felt like dying growing up i mean i did and that's why i feel like i'm such a miracle right now that i actually want to live i want to be here i want to enjoy this i was so confused and lost and terrified i was a terrified baby and your mom would introduce you as and this is blair's player so i want you both i went by both this is selma this is the manic depressive i have never been diagnosed with mania or depression tongues that's a label to put on a little kid you know it's dramatic i think she meant it as a badge of honor like i don't suffer fools like we got real problems here my kid my kid's very grounded she's very deep and disturbed you know i think that she felt it out of gravity why were you so scared as a little girl who wouldn't be look at where we are it's so weird and then you know you're gonna die one day and your mother's gonna die and your sisters i mean it's terrifying to be a child and so readily be able to explore uh the scarier things in life it was a preoccupation and and i'm sure that drinking um probably really cemented that feeling in me you started you had your first drink when you were a little girl seven years old yeah my first drunk when i was seven i had my first drinks you know much younger can you tell me about that i thought it was god it was a passover seders uh that i had my first drinks and i always thought that was god and then when i realized it wasn't i was like how convenient it's in a bottle i mean it's it's even as a little kid you're like that's a comfort so you started at seven you drank through elementary school middle school high school college how did you do it i mean how did you function i don't know how i did it i do it all makes sense why i was so exhausted but it was it was hard i don't know but maybe it was easier maybe i would have never survived without a drink how did it relieve your pain and your fears transitions have always been hard for me and ms made that very evident so the drinking would it it made me feel warm and comfortable and part of people in this earth you had a lot of physical ailments since you were a little girl i mean you tell the story about telling your mom your leg hurt she's like cut it out saw me you're all i mean i was made fun of my whole life for that leg and i'm like this one and it was this one it wasn't that bad yeah it was and you had a fever for three years i did it was a big deal i mean doctors thought i had leukemia we didn't know i didn't i didn't but it was i had a constant high fever i had so many things that were so indicative of ms growing and optical neuritis young and losing my vision for good do you feel when you look at those physical ailments as a child do you think have you ever been told that probably was the beginning of ms oh absolutely absolutely the ailments as a kid connected i don't know if i really did have juvenile mass at like six when we noticed my eye was first going or movements but i do know for sure i had it by the age of 23 and it was definitely there for so long and the pain is still there i'm in remission i built no new lesions but i still have the you know some brain damage and things that are there but i'm okay with it it's i'm okay i'm grateful because i'm doing so much better let's talk about your ms diagnosis how do you feel about the fact that it took so long to get a proper diagnosis it never occurred to me never occurred to me to have a neurological illness that was the onset of ms which is just a symptom of a really unhealthy immune system i thought i had a million things that weren't what they were and i would have been a lot kinder to myself if i didn't feel the need to self-medicate or check out or get through i mean i wasn't always checking out i was really trying to be as capable as i could be and i had no idea and i was really cruel to myself i treated myself like garbage and the medical community sometimes was saying maybe it's in your mind it's like oh you're fine you're dramatic you're talkative you're but i would say i am so tired i can't move and this has happened that's been going on for 20 years even that doctor that diagnosed me he was saying this might be functional emotional what traumas happen and i fell asleep in his office and he said to my boyfriend at the time what's she doing he's like oh she falls asleep everywhere and he's like oh wait stand up put your arms out shut your eyes plank fell over like had no idea proprioception i didn't know i had proprioception issues i didn't know that my vision was a hallway because if you've had it your whole life you just think that's how everyone is it was the it was mind-blowing to realize there was a diagnosis for this and that other people have it and don't know and i don't mean to be tough on the doctors but you really you really gotta do better for the women you have to do better for all of us in diagnosing these things you didn't have to come out publicly you didn't have to share your journey why did you make that choice i hadn't worked for years because i had been so sick and i it was kind of flaring because worse because i was going back to work i was getting on planes the planes make it worse i was falling apart an airport couldn't get out of the fetal position or else my body would spasm and i was getting vertigo all the time and the doctor even said with the best intentions don't tell people like just don't we're going to get this under control but because i had such a bad reaction to the first treatment it made it so much worse i was really having a lot of movement and speech difficulties that were exacerbated by the prednisone it just kept getting worse as the diagnosis went on so it was so the stem cell really helped but coming out and talking about it the story would be told anyhow so i wanted to gain control of that and i didn't realize how empowering it would be and how empowered i would be to then tell the truth forever more after that what did you think when you started seeing the reaction i was so touched and i felt so thrilled oh this is what it is to just be a human and show up and to think that there's even a moment that i could have come comforted someone or given them an option or think about maybe if stem cell's right for them i'm really really happy to be able to walk into this space of empowerment and realizing i am a calm and stable grown up i'm okay even though i've not always been you had a big night at the vanity fair party that was your first night coming out since your diagnosis what did it take to do it and what did it mean to you to be there i had no idea how much it would mean to show up trying to look my best in a really aggressive flare and that was a real coming out party for me because i know it meant something to other people and certainly to people with more radical disabilities to see an inn you know oh right this world is ours too we might not see the ramp there on the stage but there's people coming to use it and i'm going to be one of them i remember our moment meeting and i loved you so much and you were such a girl you were such a sister to me and we were in the bathroom and i felt really nervous and you really took my hand i had the cane i had the dress but everyone screwed away as they should and you stayed i was overwhelmed that night it was hard i was afraid that i would vomit that used to happen out of nowhere i was afraid i'd trip and ruin the dress just really very real things of oh my god i'm not in the same body and i just cried because of gratitude but also i don't know if i can get through this night yeah it was courageous you wrote that you never practiced the oscar speech in front of a mirror that you never really had those leading lady aspirations why not i never felt i was i was the one leading the pack here i was very comfortable to witness the greats and be a part of it but i daresay i'd probably chase that leading lady roll a little harder now but i didn't have it in me before i didn't want to well maybe you wouldn't even want to but maybe i will one day maybe it will be there for me i mean i'm improving on all the ways but consistency is really key on a set and the energy and certain triggers will make my body do different things and i'm not embarrassed of it but i don't want to take people's time but yet i would like to i saw christina applegate you know she did the last season of dead to me and she was really dealing with a lot of health major health challenges and watching her do it that was an inspiration so it's like okay if i were ever be able to go back to work i'd want it to be incredible yeah that brings us to the documentary because the documentary really tells the story when i watch the documentary the word that i thought of was fearless you were fearless i'm so sorry i can't talk right now we're shooting the final days of my life you showed it all yeah why did you want to do that because what i was going through with ms looked nothing like i just couldn't find it jen braya she did a documentary i saw called unrest she like an inflammatory like there's an encephalitis issue and very similar to what i was going through and i thought i can't believe a woman is showing this and not afraid someone's going to put her in a straight jacket and if you say too much they think your mental patient the doctor would tell me you're just dehydrated everyone gets stressed i was always so afraid of losing credibility and so she gave me permission that documentary of opening her life made me feel like i had permission to also have that impact for someone i've had a mess many years at a very late diagnosis i've had it at least 25 years at least so i had enough there was any embarrassment i could get over but if there's someone else that it would move the needle for them to have some agency in their life and to trust themselves no matter how odd or dramatic or nothing their symptoms might be from day to day because this is the stuff i was afraid of let's talk about arthur that sweet boy in a way the documentary was for him why did you want him to see this someday has he seen it he has seen it finally he went to the premiere you know he is he's like it wasn't that boring thanks he liked it when i was going to do stem cell i thought because i felt so physically and emotionally so awful and drained that i did think there's a chance i won't make it and so i did want that to be to him knowing that if i did go because my body had given out that i wanted him to know that i really wanted to be here with him i really wanted to take the the steps that it took to be here because i was really one of those people that was like no way even if i have cancer i'll never do chemo that's just the worst thing for your body i had a real feeling about that and then when i felt the chemo when i felt better it's like okay just let go of what you're thinking and just try and feel better for your son but yeah you can die i thought if anyone would die it would be me in that moment because i just was so i was just so tired so i did it for him really um to just say i i did want to communicate with you you're too young to really care now and i don't tell you but i want you to know you're the last you're the first thing on my mind and the last thing in my mind you you fought to still be here yeah with everything you've got i really did and i know we we all will come to times where we're gonna have to fight harder than we think and and i was supported i was lucky what do you hope he sees when he sees you moving through the world i hope he sees that when you have something that could potentially be a real setback in time it might not happen right away but in time set yourself up to recover you know and i don't want him to feel ashamed or too scared that he can't move forward i am so grateful that i'm moving forward because i did not want to my whole life i wanted to figure out how to die with the least pain possible and i don't know what kind of mom do you think you are embarrassing um i talk too much to strangers but i think i am fun he loves that i'm willing if he wakes me up in the middle of the night and he can't sleep it's like okay let's go find an adventure like for an hour and then we'll go back to bed there's things that i see that i was scared of that he doesn't have at all i give him he does not want the effusive love that i craved from my mother so he'll have his own memoir about how i you know tried to kiss him too much but i i give him i give him tons of space i can really see him as his own person but i love i love that i'm the person he he comes to that he trusts the most you went and saw a psychic or a fortune teller and this person told you you're going to be an advocate it was tyler henry and i was like is there anything in my future and he's like i don't really see you acting i was like cut the tapes guys i want people to think no but i i've been really sick for a long time and he he did say i see you being an advocate i never saw in a million years that i would be an advocate of let's calm regroup and figure out how to move forward and i'm here your inspiration comes from overcoming whether it's ms or addiction yeah abuse or hardship or it's involved it's such a relief to give myself permission to say it's okay no matter what the guilt doesn't move through i have to realize that it's okay so it's not that i'm being cocky and saying like oh forgive myself for these things but truthfully you're not going to help anyone else until you've forgiven yourself yeah okay thank you thank you hey thanks for watching our youtube channel find your favorite recipes celebrity interviews uplifting stories shop our favorite deals and so much more with the today app download it now you

Channel: TODAY

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Id: mUBd3Q-86_g

Length: 25min 2sec (1502 seconds)

Published: Tue May 17 2022