If You're Feeling Depressed, Anxious Or Sad, WATCH THIS! | Evy Poumpouras

have you ever felt powerless do you have a hard time bouncing back from struggles do you feel like you're drowning you must face adversity to become strong because let's face it we're all going to have setbacks and difficult situations the loss of a family member may be getting fired from a job a failed relationship in this episode you will learn how to approach those situations with a strong mind because we all have the capacity to be unbreakable and you're about to learn how [Music] [Music] no [Applause] [Music] the prime factor i think or the foundation to mental resilience is adversity and i'm probably going you know inc you know count it's counterintuitive probably because most people don't want adversity they fight adversity when they have adversity they feel why is this happening i don't want this in my life i want everything to go very smoothly and i don't want to have any issues however adversity tends to be one of the foundations to creating mental resilience when you face adversity over a consistent period of time you know how to manage it how to withstand it it makes you stronger makes you more resilient in fact there was a study that was done on dolphins and there were these dolphins that were in this indoor facility uh some type of aquarium and what they found with these dolphins is that their fins you know dolphins fin is usually straight up they started to kind of flop and they brought in these scientists and they started looking at the dolphins and they could not figure out what why the finns were doing this drop normally the fins are very rigid and sturdy they looked at the food they looked at the water in the tank they could not figure it out until finally what they realized was the fins weren't strong anymore because they were in a tank and in the water tank that's isolated there's no current there's no pressure it's not the ocean and so the the fins never were never exposed for a long period of time they were never exposed to the adversity of the ocean which caused them to be strong so adversity is actually one of those wonderful things it's it's i love listening to you say this right because it does sound counterintuitive if you know someone's hearing that for the first time if you want to get stronger you're basically saying oh to get stronger you have to take knocks to the face left right and center and it doesn't feel good so now you're saying in this thing that you want to do well at in this goal that you have you're going to have to crawl through a pile of to get out the end free and strong and you know the person you want to be and it just sounds counteractivity but i love the analogy of the fin because it's so true i actually use the same with the gym and this was back in the day when i first started learning about growth mindset you go to the gym right if you only ever lifted five pounds and you're only cold five pounds you're never going to get stronger so if the goal is to get stronger what you have to do you have to incrementally build up you can't just go in the gym right pick up a 20 pound dumbbell and expect to curl it but you have to pick it up and what it's doing is micro tears and so in the micro test is basically telling your body hey oh we're not strong here you've just torn my muscle but it's a micro tear so it's not extreme you've just told me i guess i need to get stronger because the next time you pick up that weight we have to be strong enough to be able to maintain the weight and it's so freaking powerful so even though we don't naturally want and it doesn't feel freaking good to get punched in the face time and time again um i love that you've made that analogy to give the example of why when you're in that position where you're actually embracing resilience how do you self-soothe so that you tell yourself this is actually good for me because most people right is you want to run the opposite direction well i think don't about it i think it's just sometimes sometimes it's like simple as it's you know something sometimes there's like no science there's nothing really involved just don't just don't about it adversity is is such a great thing to have throughout your life and again we don't want to put ourselves in chronic adversity where somebody is chronically doing something to us that's not what i'm speaking about i'm speaking about having difficulties throughout life and that when you have them understand that they help build your mental resilience there was a study done where they looked at young people youth and they did a comparison between youth raised in inner cities inside the city which is typically rougher versus a suburban area youths that grew up in a suburban environment where it's super safe parents really take care of the students it's a much more coddled environment protected environment and what they found when they compared these two groups that the the children that were raised the youths that were raised in an inner city environment actually ended up doing better later on in life they had better resilience when they were faced with adversity they actually were more successful in overcoming obstacles in their lives whereas this other group struggled quite a bit because they had less adversity and so when you're facing something find solace and that this is actually making you a better problem solver number one because when you're dealing with different problems you become more efficient you become almost like a little bit of a chess player and being okay i see this let me see how i'm going to maneuver it and you learn to withstand things when things happen they don't completely they're not all soul crushing which normally then when something is soul crushing it stops you from doing it obviously doing it again progressing trying again well i think people like so focused on i want to make my life as smooth sales you know smooth sailing as possible that's never going to happen no matter how much you try to control every variable in your life it won't but if you can just change your mindset to not think of adversity as a problem or as a negative thing and to think of it as something that is helping you like if you think about the whole analogy with the dolphins they they lost that strength their fins didn't have that because they they no longer had the current of the water the pressure of the water to create resistance to make it stronger if there's no resistance and the example you you gave about working out is exactly that if there's no resistance it's not going to get bill come back bitter um bigger better and stronger wow i love that have you have an example where you had to in that moment where you were facing adversity and it really freaking sucked and most people would just like run in the opposite direction like when you first started joining the training like that was so freaking intense i mean you must have been exhausted like to the point where you can even open your eyes at by the end of the day um other moments where you you literally being physically and mentally pushed to your freaking limits on a daily basis so at the end of those how many people quit i'm sure a lot a lot how did you not quit heavy how did you have that mental resilience in that moment where you're like this resistance is going to make me stronger i think perhaps maybe i grew up with a lot of struggles immigrant family poor neighborhood we lived in poor economic environment government housing rats cockroaches my father though was quite resilient and very much a fighter and a pushback he never let me moan and and maybe that was it my parents actually did not entertain it growing up so i can't really say it's i can't really say the secret service did this to me my family just there this there was no room for it they also didn't grow up like that because if they did they'd starve they would have they would have they would have never survived and so there was that mindset in my house it's like you don't you you make things happen you have a problem find a solution i never got oh my god you poor thing i never got that i never got that and i think maybe it normalized adversity for me so that when it happened it wasn't like oh my god i can't believe this is happening to you it was like it's life suck it up that really maybe trained me and made me understand so when things did come i wasn't completely annihilated by them perhaps and that's the thing right there some people do and i get it right maybe they've been taught in the past maybe their childhood where you know the adversity never got them stronger because they didn't have the capabilities or they weren't around people and you know whatever situation and so i just want to try to encourage people to lean into the adversity some obviously depending on what it is and in today's world that can mean many different things but in our context let's take quest as a perfect example when i first started i was in the shipping department i had no idea what i was doing i had been basically the boss of my two dogs i was shipping quest bars from my living room floor and that was about as far as my experience had gone and then quest crew at 57 000 you're freaking thrown into the deep end it's like no no no if you don't keep up you lose your house if this doesn't happen then you lose your house so every time i faced a moment of adversity where i'm like i'm not good enough oh my god like i was struggling getting pushed back i if i didn't have my house i may have quit like i may have been like well this freaking sucks like this almost because i didn't see that it would lead to somewhere great i just thought that the the pushback and the adversity just will keep going so i think that the threat of losing my house gave me the the um the strength to keep going now in hindsight i realized that's exactly what helped me build my mental resilience is the fact that every time i fell down i had to get back up every time i fell back down i had to keep pushing so even if i had in you know um if we keep with the metaphor of the muscles if i had torn the muscle i didn't let that stop me i still showed up the next day but that's all in hindsight so i go how do we help the people that right now may be feeling the the um the adversity but don't know how to emotionally keep pushing themselves so that they can actually realize what you're saying is true because i do believe proof is in the pudding you do it once right it becomes ah all right now at least i've got this to go back to the next time it feels shitty i'm gonna remind myself of the thing before that but how do they get the first one because their instinct is to run in the other direction all right so i think what you're trying to get at there's two different things right there's trauma and there's adversity we're not speaking about somebody who's been through a traumatic event sometimes trauma can require a lot more work and require therapy so i want to make sure like if somebody's been through something traumatic not that they can't overcome it they can but i think we're speaking about adversity and life obstacles in the sense and that's to some point when things do happen right we want to be able to not at least for me i try not to stay in that place of sorrow and of pity and the feeling bad for myself and try to i guess embrace her maybe have a cup of coffee as you say with whatever bad is you know or whatever negative thing is happening and maybe not trying to see it as a negative thing but as just something that's going to inevitably happen i think i had shared this once before but like i really did come from my parents especially my dad who always kind of was like push push move like he was kind of like a beast like he was always in beast mode and i remember when he was he was dying of cancer and i remember i was doing my best to maintain his treatment but he had pancreatic cancer which was extremely painful and it just came to the point where we had hospice at home but i i couldn't manage it i just i couldn't manage his pain i couldn't do it and he really needed to be hospitalized and we finally you know hospice came the people that would come every day and they're like he has to go in and there's this understanding that i knew that once he went in he was never coming back and i remember i remember when it was happening and they started to tear up me while he's dying and he says to me he like slaps me in the back and he's me and he says to me in greek he says which translates to like hey how are we going to win the war if you behave if you act like this and i was like he's dying and he's like hey we gotta move move forward and it stayed with me but he was always like that in his life so i guess like when you see that when you have examples of that in your life i think that's key and i think maybe being around people who who deal with adversity well right if i'm around other people who don't manage it well who avoid it who maybe don't go into into it then i'm gonna do the same thing but if i'm around other brave people strong people people who see adversity as a challenge rather as like oh my god like knocking you down then i'm going to manage it that way now it's your turn to talk yeah girl that was so beautiful um thank you for being raw and honest and i think it's important for people to see as well you know i know you said you've never cried on camera before but um i i just feel like that's what we're doing here it's not to pretend like i'm not here to pretend and you know to be something i'm not i'm not and i know you aren't either we want to be honest and truthful and real and that's what we're doing it literally without meaning to was the perfect example of you embracing adversity yes because i hate crying [Laughter] it's like not me it's not it's not my space it's not it's just snap but you know like it's my father it's someone i loved and there's no it's one of the deepest and if for someone who's lost someone they love it's one of the deepest pains you can feel it's often i give that people the advice and like find that whatever you experienced and see if you can it's not for everybody but maybe be give back to that community of people and now one you don't feel like you're alone because often when we go through something we feel alone and isolated you don't feel alone there's a community there that exists you can be part of that community you embrace it and then now you're helping other people going through this and you know what that does now it shifts you and it makes you more powerful that's so true so um i had a guest on um a show a while ago her name's amanda yen and she had been raped in college and after that she took her voice and went to congress and she was like i need to pass laws make sure that this never happens to anyone again on college campus and she's literally dedicated her life to changing um laws in congress and she's been a part of it's something like 16 different laws in like a space of like um i don't know five years or something like that that she's had impact on and when i think about exactly what you said on how she's used that and look i i cannot even imagine what it's like so i never even want to pretend um of what it's like to be in her situation to be to have that happen to you so i don't want to pretend but the fact that she took that and empowered herself right you even just said she she made herself more powerful by that and is now not just impacting herself she's literally impacting freaking hundreds of hundreds of thousands of women in the united states alone yeah so she just flipped it she made it from yes something bad happened to you something painful happened to you but then she took her power back and now she's using that to change the world [Music] if you can look at adversity not as a negative thing but as a challenge i look at it and i think how can i work around this and i was able to take that negative part out that when something comes up to look at it as it's a horrible thing as a bad thing and shift it into okay well one i know these things are gonna happen and two how can i make this work and if we live in the truth of things of what is real when these things happen they won't hurt as much they won't be as painful and truly the more of these you have in your life the more resilient you'll become and the less they're going to affect you i honestly couldn't imagine putting myself in your shoes and understanding what you're going through i couldn't i have my own life i've got my own perspective my own experiences so honestly don't even try to pretend that i know the struggles that you are going through but the one thing i can say is it's okay it's okay however you're feeling right now give yourself grace give yourself grace that you may be struggling because at the end of the day you're gonna come through it like you really will it's just gonna take time it's gonna take some effort it's gonna take some work but like seriously you can come through it but for now just give yourself grace i'm not alone you're not alone none of us are alone do you want to learn the tactics that a real u.s secret service agent uses to spotlight as a former agent i want to help you so here's a clip from my new course becoming bulletproof how to read people and detect deception when it comes to reading people the most important thing i want you to remember is to be an active listener active listening means listening to a person with all your senses it's not just listening to what they're saying it's looking at them open your eyes and listen that's what i always say receive them feel them use your senses you will learn that and much more in my course becoming bulletproof how to read people and detect deception to learn more and sign up go to bulletproof.impacttheory.com [Music] as a girl i really did feel like very insecure um you know i was teased for my look so i really believed it when people said you know i wasn't pretty and i was dumb and the one thing i held on to was my art because that was the only thing that i was actually ever getting a pat on the back for but growing up i definitely had that weak mentality and i used to look for other people to make me feel stronger so even with my husband god bless him but it was like i was waiting for him to make me feel a certain way if i did something that was great he would you know pat me on the back and that would build my confidence if you will and then so for me it was very much i had to get my mind strong like that was the key thing how do i get my mind strong and so it was things that we just spoke about is facing things that are difficult um but for me also it was making sure that actually i take ownership over what how i act and how i show up in the world so if i showed up in a meeting or in on a day or whatever and i wasn't confident or i felt weak once i said okay if you feel weak it is your responsibility to get yourself to feel stronger the second i said it is your responsibility with anything in life like every time i started to face things that was when things started to change for me that is when i started to realize oh if i don't take this chance then i'm going to stay where i am but if i do if i fall on the floor then it's up to me to then get back up and once i started to do that with my health because i had massive gut issues i started to feel stronger i started to feel like i wasn't listening or waiting for the doctors to fix me because that was it that puts you in a very weak spot when you're waiting for someone else to come and make you feel stronger about yourself or when you blame other people for everything that's going on and that's like that's a red flag like when you hear someone or even if you hear yourself and you're starting to blame things that are happening in your life and problems that are arising and you're like well if this person didn't do this if that person well so-and-so was late where this person didn't do this well oh my god he ruined my life or she ruined my life this person's torturing me uh if if i didn't just you know if i didn't have this issue if i didn't have that when that's a recurring theme you're in a completely powerless mindset you are the recipient of whatever life is doing to you you're you are you are affected you are not affecting the world the world is only affecting you and so you're just absorbing everything but you're not putting anything back out there and i feel like there has to be a back and forth with not just with people but with the world what are you putting out there because if if you and moan and i okay one you're not resolving anything too people are going to get tired of listening to you no matter no matter how difficult what you've been through is like you have to at some point move on and you can choose not to move on but there is a point there is an expiration date for that narrative that you've created and if you find yourself saying that narrative for an extended period of time now this is now to you i literally was going to ask you how where at what point do you think of it is like taking actual ownership and then like there's no ownership to take because it's not your fault right because that's what i think people say is like io is not my fault where do you have a fine line even the word control is something that i speak a lot about with a lot of women some people think no no by saying you can control things you're actually setting yourself up for disaster and now a lot of people are saying you know no you should embrace it you can't control things um how do you how do you feel about that where does that sit with you well you can't control any everything you try to set up a plan you try to deal with all the different variables so when i would do for example the security for the president of the united states i would put a a really good plan together i said i i tried to control as much as i could but i can't control everything i was competent i was efficient i did what i needed to do but i was not delusional to think that nothing could ever happen to him so there's that difference so i ex i tried to control what i could but i also accepted the vulnerability of it with that understanding i could be adaptable we were adaptable so when it happened it wasn't like oh my god i can't believe this just happened i i checked all these boxes it can't be happening there was no time for that dialogue there was a mindset or a plan in place that you would take ownership for when those vulnerabilities penetrated you right so look we do we want mental resiliency we want to keep stuff out the negativity the chatter the bad people yes we try to do that the best we can we try to control that there's moments where you're going to miss it it's going to come through right and then you think okay how do i now withstand that or how do i adapt to that and that is the way the security plans went everybody knew could break bad at any moment we were prepared for it so when it broke bad we weren't all sitting there like can you believe this right whose fault is this who dropped the ball it that probably would come later for sure but everybody was quick to adapt okay let's take ownership of the situation what do we do where we go so that's a very quick example or a quick time frame there where you really don't have time to sit and process something you have to immediately go from problem to immediately to the solution mindset like to creating a solution it's when we live in a problem and we tell ourselves that problem over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and we just live in this narrative how are you moving forward you're not progressing because you're still in the past talking about what happened to you or what's happened to you and you're in a problem mindset where you're just ruminating over the issue what you want to be able to do is shift from a problem narrative that narrative like i can't believe this is so upsetting to being able to move into a powerful mindset where now you're in a solution state okay i know this happened to me i know it sucked i know it was horrible i know it was painful but now how do i resolve this like where what are my avenues and where i can progress from here not from where i was not from where i wish to be or where i wish i was but from where i am so part of it is live in the reality of where you are and that's mental resilience you know take off those rose those pink pink arose kind of colored glasses right but just see it for what it is accept it for what it is and i think acceptance is also key accepting the shitty situation you're in and you can feel it i think it's okay to feel it let it live in you for a little bit but it's not it's not the type of environment you want to make your home all year round that's where you you will literally make yourself sick in probably any every sense of the word yeah when i was sick for you know over a year i was literally so massive gut issues felt like my gut completely erupted could barely breathe barely stand up um i put pepper on my literally put pepper on my food um and tom almost had to rush me to the emergency room because it aggravated my gut that much it like had knotted up so i was very extremely malnutritioned for over a year um and i was just waiting for doctors to fix me like you want to talk about giving your power over i gave my power over because i thought it was it was almost like no no help me help me i i thought that was the right thing that would make me feel better right like oh well it's someone else they're gonna fix me and i just kept waiting girl i kept waiting and every time the doctor would say something i was like it doesn't sound right and i never freaking listen to my own body like literally i'm listening to all these professionals i'm listening to all these people who have degrees you know and have like the wonderful office in beverly hills so i was like oh of course they're gonna know how to fix me and i just gave my power over and after a year where i still couldn't wear a bra i wasn't feeling sexy you know like all these things are really affecting my feminine feeling when like the woman i wanted to be it really affected me and after a year it was like what if this is all my fault now a lot of people hate the word fault i love the word fool so i'm going to use the word for but if you don't like the word for please please exchange that for responsibility taking my power back whatever so i was like oh it's all my fault if this is all my fault what would i do differently next time and even just in thinking like that right what would i do differently how could this be the best thing that's ever happened to you how can you use this as the most empowering freaking thing ever and by that one thought girl i stopped waiting for doctors i started to listen to my body i was like hang on a minute i haven't had a period for like 10 years hang on a minute i you know like and i started pulling all these things together my hormones are out of whack i've got this like aura ring and telling me i'm not sleeping does that have anything to do with my right and i just took freaking ownership and i said if this was my fault how can i take the power back and it was find out who you are lisa start listening to your body no one knows your body like you do cool so now i'm just going to take ownership buddy what are you trying to tell me right and then starting to give myself space to say if it was my fault let me just keep using that word if it was my fault then it means i have the power to do something about it if it's someone else's fault then i'm waiting for someone else to fix me yes i get that when you when you are waiting for somebody else to come in and fix this for me you're at the mercy of that person coming in and fixing it for you and you're making this assumption that that person or this outside entity cares more about you than you do or knows you better than you do right right but it's like it's me it's my body my life my everything so if it's not to the standard that i want it to be why am i looking outside of myself to have that person change it it always starts with me i think the one exception that exists where it's hard to take harder to take ownership is when somebody's young when they're a child because they are dependent on their family they are dependent on a parent or guardian for survival um but then it does hit a point where like now you can take ownership and you can make those changes in your life over time i think that's really truly the one exception where it's hard to take ownership you may want to but it's like i'm i'm i'm waiting my survival is based on somebody else yeah and i'm sure right now people are freaking hammering in the youtube comments but what about this situation how can it be my fault like i get there's going to be certain situations that i just haven't experienced so i can only be talking from my point but that thought girl the fact that i discovered that idea with my health i took ownership i started to do my own tests get them together i started to try different things i started to um go even if society says this is crazy i'm going to do and just listen to my body and when i took ownership over my health it's built into everything it's built into my relationship with my husband take ownership if we have an argument instead of going he did this he did that he snapped at me he was moody he no no lisa what did you do as part of this he may have been moody but if he was moody did you engage him did you press his button did you know he was moody and you kept going right all of this where i'm like take ownership take ownership has changed my life same with business right it's like if a deal doesn't come through all right well what what was my part in it that i can now use as power for next time and when i say power i mean power within myself and so i love everything comes back to really what you said at the beginning is don't give your power away i think i i i totally agree with you and then i i've always kind of lived in this mindset of like don't don't mindset nobody wants to be around that i'm never going to get better if i keep bitching and i remember this scenario where and there's multiple scenarios but i did learn truly in the service as well about taking ownership and encounter accountability the president was going somewhere to a campus to speak i was the agent in charge of the overall everything and so as the chain the agent uh you called it it's called the lead agent i was the agent in charge of the whole thing so all the different components and i had other agents who are handling the different parts so people are reporting to me but i'm the hub right i would be the lead so the so to speak almost like the supervisor of this event and so i had an agent that's called a site agent and that means that agent's responsible for that site so i show up we walk through the area and i was like he's telling me okay the staff is saying they're gonna put the stage here this and that he's walking me through and i said okay everything looks fine just make sure two ways in two ways out you understand there's thousands of people if something happens one way gets blocked i need another way to get him out he's like well you know the staff kind of pushed back on that they won this and that i said that's not something you we you know you compromise with a lot of different things that's that's something we don't compromise that's not a debate make it happen so the morning shows up get the president get everybody we go to the event one way in one way out i'm just like there's nothing i can do so i'm just you know you're having this moment i'm like i hope nothing bad happens my supervisors now see this you know and i know i'm like i'm there's there's not i'm gonna get chewed out so the president does his thing he survives thank god he leaves we're in the motorcade going back to the white house my supervisor calls me as we're driving back vampires i need to see you immediately at the white house as soon as we get back yes sir say bring your side agent yes sir call up my side agent i'm not happy to talk to this person hey boss need you in the office meet us now we both show up and the boss chooses out rightfully so because it's a very fundamental thing like that happened like this is just not something that it's just like protection right and but he chews me out my sight agent says nothing he doesn't even look at my side agent says nothing to my side agent i get the dress down from top to bottom yes sir yes sir i'm sorry sir it will never happen against her we leave i say nothing to my side agent i say nothing to the boss i'm like well it's this motherfucker's fault because he doesn't want to hear that yeah i was in charge it was my event it was my everything i was the heavy it lands on me so i just took it now if i would have sat there but sir do you know what he did he would have lost all respect for me i would have lost all credibility and in in his eyes it's like that's not what leaders do and so when you're in these leadership positions you just take ownership so it's kind of like i'm the leader in my life i guess i i apply it to everything i'm the leader in my life so i gotta take ownership and if it's if i don't like it i have to somehow thoughtfully do an assessment of whatever the is going on and then think about how i'm going to course correct [Music] and that's the thing that i love every time you talk and you tell stories it's always about course correcting right it's never about beating myself up that i did this and i made a mistake and like i think that that's a massive reason of how you've actually built your own mental resilience is is not beating yourself up and that's i think where people get stuck and when we say or at least for me when i say take ownership everything's your fault it usually becomes that like how do i they keep going because that normally stops them but for you it's looking at it and going all right cool this was you know my fault or whatever word you want to use i take ownership how do i course correct and that like literally that sentence i think takes someone from feeling powerless to powerful within themselves yeah i i can see i think maybe a big part of it is ego i always try to keep my ego in check and so when i sit there and i just create this grandiose story and what's happening to me in my life and this person's doing this and that's happening to me that's me living in this egocentric world and it's kind of like having a moment where it's just kind of getting that slap over the head and just be like you know what you're one out of billions it's not that big a deal but it's so true about eagle i'm so glad that you brought that up because it really is it goes back to fall right usually when people say it's your fault like it's your fault evie it's made as an insole it's perceived as that means you're bad that means that you're no good right some people perceive it so they try to um which i get like protect your self-esteem and i was the same girl like i didn't want to feel but i already felt badly about myself like the last thing i wanted was to feel more badly about myself so at the time when i was younger if someone had said to me no no you need to take ownership you need to say this is all your fault i've been like are you freaking crazy like this could break me i'm already struggling with my own self-esteem and ego so now if you're saying take it it's my fault like you're just actually breaking me and that's why i love how i think now and how i've been able to swap it out but that's why i want to emphasize it's not full but taking that and saying hey you're more powerful okay so because you keep bringing up faults and i know you're so you're so good you always want to think of other people and think about their perception of it here's the thing that language works for you correct that's it so before anybody judges anybody who throws hate that's the language whatever reason that word causes a trigger reaction for you that allows you to take accountability that's it that works for you now for someone else that word could really annihilate them crush their self-esteem maybe they grew up having somebody tell them their their this is your fault anything bad happens this is your fault you know abusive relationships when your partner says well it's your fault if you didn't do this i wouldn't have had to do this to you right oh that's never done to me so language is important so you have to pick the language that works for you so for me fault it doesn't really work for me what do you use just own it i'm just i'm probably i'm probably a little bit primitive in my head probably like a little bit of a neanderthal like stop bitching figure it out you know what i do at night though that helps me at night i write down i do like very bullet point things i'm not a big journal person i'll do like i'll write like three things i'm grateful for to help me practice gratitude because sometimes i can get into that a space i'll write down things that um the three things i want to do tomorrow that's something that helps me stay task oriented but the one thing i do that i realize also really helps me is i will write down three things that i could have done better today [Music] and so if i happen to go to dunkin donuts that morning and you know get myself some donuts i'll write down no donut you know i had donuts this morning it can also be something as i shouldn't have yelled at this person which if you know me sometimes that can happen but so it just allows me to take ownership of my of my day the next day as you were saying it's actually i love doing this because i get more of an insight into myself i only say for in certain situations you're right like if it's like for instance i pull my back out and i'm like it's your freaking fault lisa yes you walk into the gym and you think you're a freaking beast what do you expect if you pick up a hundred pounds without warming up it's your freaking fault like that i need to say that i can't be like lisa it's okay like you can do better nick like it doesn't work i need to say what the that's your fault almost like to stop bitching like it's that but there are certain situations and i have to really think of it maybe if if i'm sensitive or emotional about something because let's say it's with work and i haven't shown up whether it's in a team meeting or an interaction with someone or a project or whatever let's say i've shown up and i haven't i've known i could have done better as a leader or you know as a teammate i won't be myself up because in those in those moments and i actually won't say full either in those moments i'm a little sensitive because i so want to um do a good job like my heart so wants to so in those moments actually i do say what can you learn from this and what can you do differently next time when my health went utterly i finally started to realize i had to take ownership i was waiting for people to fix me i was waiting for the doctors to fix me and then i realized hang on if i took ownership over it if i can actually say i got myself into this could that potentially mean that i could get myself out of it and yes the second i took ownership i realized that i could actually start to fix myself so what i started to do is take full ownership of my health of my lifestyle started to take sleep really freaking seriously i also took utter ownership over the food and the supplements and my diet and making sure that i was taking the right nutrients in order to fuel myself so guys right now you need to ask yourself what is the thing you're struggling with and how can you take utter ownership over it in order to actually live the life you want now go do it [Applause] [Music] i use disruptors and it's something that i began using years ago because i found myself to be that person yes i am that person who would get into her head and i would um blame i would get angry and even if i didn't verbalize it internally i would i would have that conversation kind of on repeat you know the cds playing the same song over and over and over and over again so if you find yourself if you find yourself with your cd on repeat or that same song you need a disrupter you need to kind of change yourself when i deal with adversity or probably more like difficult people so if you're dealing with people that are affecting you in a negative way right you're getting into a heated argument somebody's doing something to you and you are in the moment where nothing good is going to come out of your mouth i strongly encourage you not to bite back because when we speak from emotion we just speak from emotion and we hit hard we throw these zingers out there to people and once you put it out there you can never get it back one disruptor i use is distance i will put distance between myself and the problem so if it's a person i will literally make distance i'll leave a room yeah i will walk out i will leave the room um if it's a situation i will remove myself from the situation and sometimes distance is just going out and getting a a cup of coffee and then coming back to your office desk or sometimes distances depending on the issue is you know going backpacking in europe a month whatever it is that you need a dramatic disrupter everyone's got everyone's got a different load they have to carry everyone's got a burden and based on what your burden is and what you need it's also what do i need and so i can get over something like 10 minutes later i'm like look i'm fine and somebody else may need five days we're all different so it's really knowing who you are so distance is good time is good so time is literally just not speaking to somebody for a certain period of time avoiding messages texts all that stuff just don't do it don't write it don't text it don't send it don't photograph it don't just don't do any of those things because again once it's out there you can never take it back and especially if it's in text you don't know who's gonna forward it copy it send it post it so just be mindful of that i strongly encourage people just put time so that when you are responding to someone you've had time to think about what you're going to write and you're just not responding because you're pissed off and your ego is bruised yeah god it reminds me this one quote i actually just posted it it was like don't make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion yeah it's you're emotional and think of those moments of when you've done that and then afterward you regret it oh yeah and you're like you know that didn't make me look good i looked weak i i i fell into this person's trap and if you think of it this way you're here you're trying to be here this person's here so when you do that you know what you're doing you're coming here to meet them never not once has everyone anyone ever been like said i'm so glad i said that like in that heat of the moment i'm so glad no one right most of the time maybe some people are just like okay i said it um but most people often will regret the emotional response that they've had and so i try to remind myself of that in the moment i don't have to lose my professionalism just because you do i don't have to drop down to meet you here but i will address you and so you can address people and check people or put people in their place because you you absolutely need to do that from time to time you do but they're rare moments but overall you need time and you need to let your emotions run their course before you do that i actually learned the disruptor thing through not using the disruptor so my ex-boyfriend it was like just hours and hours and hours of screaming matches and making each other feel bad and it doesn't end well and it just keeps escalating and as it keeps escalating i notice that as it escalates words become more powerful and he started to use more words like oh i didn't get her with that so let me throw this at her oh i didn't it was like he was looking to get me to spill over right like to push me over the edge and so he would use words to weaponize like my things he knew about me my insecurities he would use it to weaponize um or he weaponized i should say and so as i grew older i was like okay how do i ever avoid getting that situation again and going back to what we're saying about ownership it's like i'm the same i eat i can't control someone else i can't control how you act towards me right you could have every choice to scream and shout at me for no reason and you can't but i can control how i show up and react to it and that was when i started to take ownership of being the second half right it's not just that he's shouting at me it's that i'm shouting back it's i'm not walking away it's that i'm i'm entertaining his um antics yeah yeah and that's when i started going okay walk away but then i started to walk away with tom and i realized oh it's not just walking away it's what you do when you walk away because the first thing i started doing is you go among to someone else about your partner and that to me is just feeding into the feeling you already have it's not actually helping the whole point of the disrupter is to like you said come back down to normal emotionally it's interesting because i won't and moan to someone else but i'll stew but i'll blast my music i do things to change whatever's going on in my my brain like the chemistry the the neurology whatever's happening i'm like i have to switch it and i will listen to loud music i'll put on a book that changes my demeanor i'll watch a movie i'll leave i'll drive all the way to the beach and then just that time and just use it to reflect but with my partner i'll have this internal dialogue like he's a good person that you don't he loves you he's he's not these negative things you're arguing about something whatever it is you didn't take out the trash you're supposed to take out the trash every friday that's something you should do um and instead of get mad at him for that i'll think well maybe i should help out and take the trash when he forgets but there's moments where i'll i'll i'll come back when i'm calm and i'll sit down i'm like look i'm sorry we argued this is this is what's going on this is what bothered bothers me and if there's something that he does i'll say could you correct this behavior now i can do that with him you can't do that with everybody right you can't sit everybody down you can't sit down friends maybe some you can you can't sit down employees colleagues bosses supervisors you can't do that with all all people so with the partner thing though i love that you said you know i know him i do that too girl like it i know my emotions are temporary like literally what can i do to change the chemicals i'm feeling because right now i feel shitty and that's what i was saying originally when um you know when i was much younger i would like bitumen i thought i'm gonna get it out right it just helps if you just tell someone else how you feel when you're good to go the problem i notice is it just feeds into it especially depending on who you go to quick people have those friends and guys i'm staring you in the camera you know your friends you know the people that you're going to turn to that they turn around and they they know they're going to help them feed into the the feeling i can't believe that bastard did it i told you to leave him a long time ago right you know those friends that are going to be like yeah yeah you should be mad and that's when i'm like oh that doesn't serve me so why do i call the people that are feeding into a feeling that i'm trying to let go of so that's when i started to change it and go okay lisa this is your emotion step away but what are you doing when you step away and that's where i'm like there usually are two things it's either i need to calm myself so i need to like deep breath which is usually like um either go outside like what you were saying or listen to music music is so freaking powerful um but if it's almost like an anxiety like a um a build-up of energy and i don't know how to let it out off we can hit the gym girl pump those weights listen to tupac hardcore get me the iron me against the weight and i've i've pushed out all the aggression once i've pushed out the aggression then i can kind of come back my emotion is no longer blinding me to the real situation and then i can address the real situation and that real situation means oh he bit my head off i didn't like that he used that word he actually said this that robbed me the wrong way and then i can come back like what you were saying and sit down and go hey i didn't like it when you said this i don't like this or i'm sorry i was over oversensitive like i'll also say that like i realized that you just triggered me um and the trigger is on my part it's not you but you did trigger me so if you can actually help me not say this and not do this and that actually builds up our relationship even more yes for you have the ability to do that which is a blessing one of the things you did when you talked about going to the gym so you use your environment as a disrupter so changing your environment so we have time which is chronological time distance physical distance leaving an area going on vacation doing whatever you need to do or just leaving the the office the room the bedroom whatever it is and then changing your environment which is going to the gym yeah right you're trying to do that and those are all great disruptors and i think they're different for each people each person has to stop and think what's a great disrupter for me one thing that i used to love one of my favorite disruptors was going to the movies when you go to the movies you're you're so over stimulated the loud sound you get lost in the movie it's this big screen i've got my popcorn and my pepsi and i'm really in it and i get lost and i forget where i i was and in this moment i go somewhere else and then when i'm done i'm like oh and now i'm almost in a different mindset so that was a wonderful disrupter for me working out is a great disruptor running is a great disrupter martial arts brazilian jiu-jitsu i use that from time to time that's a great disrupter so it is unique for each person but it's also but i think the biggest thing is recognizing when you're doing this and also recognizing i think it's not okay to be vicious and mean yeah to people and it takes a lot of work to control that it it it's easy to like lash out and and and rip somebody and shred them it is not easy to control it even more so in your relationship because you know their soft spots you know their hot points you know where they're weak you know where they're insecure and that you know really ties into because in a relationship i'm always saying you know be yourself be honest trust that person be open but you are then putting yourself at risk for these moments where that person can use that against you and in those moments when someone's hurt you you want to hurt them back like it's almost just human nature you don't you don't want to it's your ego it's your ego yeah um i'm gonna check you yeah and girl like you've even said you can't take back like honestly especially when it comes to a relationship you can't take back and i'm so hyper aware of that like from day one with tom and i um so one of our biggest things is don't weaponize the other person's insecurities and that's where the disruptors to me really came in use because i know my instinctualness to write go into something to protect myself to defend myself especially because i had my ex-boyfriend that was just cruel and mean so i had learned to stand up for myself to like keep my wall up i got my you can't penetrate me you can't hurt me and this doesn't lead to a successful relationship if i do this so the disruptors to me were the solution but going to what you were saying even about movies knowing what your freaking disruptor is and what emotion you're trying to change because i did the disruptor initially and i was making it worse because i was going to the people that only fed the emotion that i was in but i think if you can assess what emotion am i trying to get how do i shift it and then what is that for me so that i can go to this as like a cheat sheet yeah one of the great thing with disruptors is it just gives you clarity why yes you're trying to get clarity so you're you're you're you're seeing red you're angry or you're sad or you're crying or your your voice is stifled different people manifest in different ways you and i are very assertive women some other individuals are not as assertive some a lot of other people swallow how they feel they don't express themselves they they allow the other person to always be the dominant and to avoid conflict they will go along with what that other person wants them to do to keep peace and that that's also very a very unhealthy place to live and using disruptors to step away sometimes and or even distance to look to look back at a relationship or a person and think like this person make me feel good about myself so sometimes it's not about being hot-headed sometimes it's like some people are are cruel man they can give you a beating you can take a beating and take a beating from not just a partner but a family member a boss this one woman i remember reached out to me she had a supervisor that was just so just so crushing for her she would go home and all she thought about was her supervisor all she could talk about was how vicious and cruel her supervisor was and she's like what do i do can you give me tactics to deal with her and i said stop dealing with her so the first thing is stop detaining it she kept pushing back and so it's like if you engage with every fool you deal with you become as predictable as that fool stop responding to everything stop responding to every everyone when you can identify this is not someone i should respond to this person is chaotic this person is a mess this person is really not that relevant and with her look it was a supervisor but i kept telling her stop pushing back the more you push back and challenge them the worse it becomes for you just leave it do your job focus on that and if your relationship is so bad which it turned out it was like there was no correcting it it's time to find a new job i get it's not easy and i don't want to dismiss how difficult it would be because i have never done that but to me the mental resilience part of when i feel weak when i don't feel good enough when how do i you know step into being the person being strong being confident being that person that can withstand people like that it's to look at these moments and go back to empowers me like it really does empower me to say i can open the door or i cannot open the door you're the gatekeeper yeah i tell people like you got a gate open and close it at your will if the gate's wide open and anybody can come in and you're having all these issues close the gate you own who comes through the gate and who doesn't you decide and you own when you open the gate and when you close it own your gate disruptors are powerful you can use time and distance in space so that you can remove yourself from a situation this way you can release what you're feeling so that you don't exacerbate the situation by staying there different people use different disruptors so find the disruptors that work for you we'll see about that missy because video games and pink i'm not i'm not [Music] one of my favorite disruptors is hitting the gym nothing changes my mood faster than feeling like a freaking beast and one of my favorite disruptors is racing and dancing who doesn't feel better after blasting music and dancing wiggling their little tish across the living room now even though wiggle in my tush works perfectly for me it may not work for you it's important to try a few different disruptors to figure out exactly what is your jam now take a moment and think about what disruptors you can use in your life to help you [Music] can we go play video games please all right let's go oh my god that's yours why is it pink because it's my click what does this do it's like a double punch [Music] oh man that's actually not true actually i forgot my line it's one line lisa i was like oh my god i'm not wearing pink that was one time and it was coral not wearing pink [Music]

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 615,840

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: -PQDA-Wdteg

Length: 59min 44sec (3584 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 12 2021