Santa's Slay (2005) KILL COUNT

[Music] welcome to the killcam where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies I'm James Agee Neeson yeah man I'm wearing the Santa suit for the third time because we once again have a killer Santa and because this is my official Christmas killcount for this year and because if I wear this thing a lot it'll be way easier to write off on my taxes today we're looking at Santa's sleigh a 2005 Christmas horror film that stars pro wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus there are tons of Christmas horror movies out there but this one came up the most and all your letters to dear old Santa meet actually no let's let's not say Santa me you'll wanted to see a pro wrestling Santa folk shit up so I watched Santa's sleigh for the first time ever and yeah the kills in Goldberg Santa are pretty damn fun I also really enjoyed the premise here turns up as Santa has been under contract to be nice for the past millennium but on this year's Christmas the agreement is over and he can finally once again be the murderous nasty son of a bitch that he really is unfortunately the story gets a bit bogged down and collapses under its own weight in the final act and while Goldberg's grunts and limited acting ability are acceptable as the killer Santa Claus the two young leads kind of sink the sleigh reminding me of the awful unlikable couple Jade and Jesse in Bride of Chucky they're just needlessly snarky and sarcastic especially the whiny lead character Nicholas but the people who love this movie probably do so for The Kills let's find out how many people Goldberg Kos and get to them [Music] the movie begins at a nice big house where the Mason family is sitting down for dinner they're a family filled with known names from porky Romano to Sonny freakin Corleone with every nanny and urban legend killer in-between they're also a bunch of nasty people all around with these twins only concerned about designer handbags and mother of Virginia having an under-the-table skirt affair with her son-in-law Jason instead of Cole for this table of naughty individuals Santa comes down and just breaks through the chimney prompting fran drescher to make the weirdest fucking noise I've ever heard I'm sorry what was that that is not what I thought you said because that's the sound of a crazy person Santa somersaults on to the table and first stabs a pair of utensils through father Darrin's hands a simple glare gets him his first kill after Beth faints in her chair and falls backwards onto a wooden spike of a doggy bag damn fun off-screen impalement right there after lighting Virginia on fire with a carnie flamethrower he makes short work of Jason with a single kick into a display cabinet now normally I wouldn't assume that was a kill but with this movie I think it intends for most of Goldberg's rasslin victims to be dead Virginia's hair has melted off by now and Santa helps put it out by dunking her head into a giant bowl of nasty looking eggnog how much eggnog does this family drink that thing is like a kiddie swimming pool full of eggnog anyway Virginia drowns Annette grouse this Santa doesn't care if you've been naughty or nice as Rebecca Gayheart character Gwen learn yep she still gets killed after a Kris Kringle skull crunch using a leg of the Mason family dining room table and when surviving twin Taylor tries to get away Santa stops her by taking the tree topper star and hurling it into her back this dude just killed so many people and only a minute it's almost like he was a professional ass kicker or something with the rest of the Masons dead Santa finally returns to patriarch Darrin who he stuffs with a holiday bird and then kills with a quick and easy head slammed to the table and just like that this movie started with half a dozen kills I'd say that more than earns you a title card oh wait no it's it's Santa's sleigh not Satan's yeah man there you go the opening credits give us a brief pictorial overview of the movie's premise in 1005 knot 1065 as it erroneously says in that picture right there Santa lost a bet to an angel and had to spend the subsequent 1,000 years bringing gifts to kids and being a generally genial if grimace tea guy but now it's 2005 and hashtag time's up so the citizens of Helle Township better watch out on this Christmas Eve also they never specify but my head Canon is that this takes place in Michigan where there is indeed a town called hell it's here in hell that Nicholas Jolson played by that dude from the incomprehensibly bad bye-bye man works at a deli owned by mr. green who tries and fails to wish his curmudgeonly customer mrs. Talbot a happy holiday very happy holiday there was stuff don't use that political language shit with me it's Christmas wish me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas mrs. Talbot thank you and go fuck yourself he just can't win with some people mrs. Talbot gets punished immediately for that naughtiness while she's driving herself home that night poorly behind her as Santa and his sleigh pulled by a fricking Buffalo he calls his hell deer and he's got a little bit of loot on his mind when she doesn't he drives her off the road in spectacular fashion causing her car to flip in the air and catch on fire although shockingly I might add it does not end up exploding big missed opportunity Santa's sleigh Nicholas gets a ride home for Mack played by Emily de Ravin from lost to weight loss premiered in 2004 it was in its second season when this movie came out what are you doing in Hell Claire your baby ain't there Mack is so interested in Nick that she's brushing her teeth with her finger hoping to get some Christmas kisses but he's too busy being a sourpuss about the holiday to catch the hint he gets home and locks his house as many locks because the grandfather he lives with is one of those bunker down paranoid types Gramps is played by Robert Culp who we just saw in the kill gown hunting down the jell-o brained Ricky Caldwell in Silent Night deadly night 3 remember he was the one with a sweet mobile plan Gramps has been busy making inventions like this Nutcracker that fires what flubber out of its mouth I think it's a chestnut but it'd be acting like flubber he's also been building a bunker in his basement possibly because he knows about Santa's true temperaments he hasn't always been that lovable poster boy for coca-cola yeah real interesting grandpa but could you like not crop-dust me in the face please sorry grandpa goes into an underground safe and pulls out a giant home what the hell's that the Necronomicon what no obviously that shit ain't bound in human skin and inked in human blood look at that book Nick do you see a face on that book and wait a minute what the hell did you just call it a Necronomicon it's the Necronomicon son and ain't got no kin no this book is the book of claws head Walden Nick's stuffs his face like a messy teenager grandpa explains to him that Santa was immaculately born to Satan through a virgin named Erica yep in this movie Santa Satan's widdle Jewish baby then grandpa goes over the rest of the backstory that I told you about during the opening credits but we do get a ranking and bass style depiction of the story that features a little stop-motion Goldberg aww turns out the wager involved a form of curling with Santa and the angel competing to see who could slide their stone closest to a nice hole without it falling in the angel one after he knocked Stan a stone into the hole and because of that victory Santa had to be a nice guy for 1,000 years shit that was exactly one thousand years ago Doug Don and that's why Santa has been out killing people this whole time kicking off his murder spree with a dude who randomly puts a knife to his neck Santa beats the crap out of him and stabs him with a candy cane which is pretty sweet and then finishes the dude off to a real boring rock song the type of which is all over the soundtrack [Music] that song sounds like it's by a bunch of high-school teachers in a go-go's cover band because this is a Christmas horror movie we need ourselves a slimey preacher but thankfully this one pastor Timmons is played by Dave Thomas no not the Wendy's one the strange brew one he tells his congregation they need to give give give but what he doesn't mention is that he's gonna spend Jesus's petty cash at gold diggers the name of the town's surely high-quality strip club I wonder if they have any of jakku C's filled with Pepto Bismol Santa rolls up to the joint and tosses his keys to a hapless valet who clearly is not proficient in animal handling and although there's a bouncer outside Santa's not about to let him get in the way of any Yuletide pole slides a quick suplex gets the bouncer on the ground and Santa finishes the guy off by choking him to death with the real Santa's apparently never heard of that no touch rule that strip clubs which I'm pretty sure doesn't just disappear because of some mistletoe big guy he gets in trouble with the places staff but guess what he murders them all first he kills one dude by throwing him into a knife held by his bartender bro hey count yourself lucky dude working in a strip club you could have been hit with a different kind of friendly fire there then while more of that lackluster music plays Santa takes a stripper pole and uses it to reverse the bartender's pickaxe swing right back into his head damn man am I supposed to be feeling kind of bad for these dudes who are just trying to do their jobs cuz I do a plaid clad patron at the club its corner and then electrocuted to death after Santa kicks the stripper pole into a light hanging over these are all ridiculous kills but the makeup on this one makes it stand out to me I love it on his way out Santa takes some cold and quotes his dear friend Billy Chapman the flaming coal lights fire to the place and listen y'all I hate to do this but I'm gonna go ahead and count the building's occupants on the kill count the reason is that later we find out people died in the fire specifically among them various strippers so pray with me if you will for their salvation of crystal candy Dixie rekt test tickler and if I count some of them I feel like I've gotta count everyone inside so that's 12 people total I see six dancers here all women and six patrons in the background five of them dudes and one lady I think pastor Timmons had escaped already so he wasn't inside during the fire and you can call this killcount inflation if you want man I'm just trying to do my job here if you do like hearing these big numbers though let's throw another on the cow because it looks like Santa's hell deer went and ate up the valet who we earlier saw having a hard time with the sleigh nice Santa free hat no I didn't mean free hat McCullough I mean you got a free hat the next morning it's Christmas Day and the newly unleashed magical murder Santa is all sorts of bad news for anyone naughty and he'll like kids with dirty potty mouth can't wait to see shit we all grew up on our motherfucking presents now yeah these poorly raised kids join the kill count when their presents explode and blow their heads clean off in a pair of kills that are just ridiculous and only as shocking as a grandmother who swears ah see not that shocking Santa goes to mr. Greene's deli where he lets himself inside by breaking a lot of glass he breaks some more glass when Goldberg does his patented Spears straight through mr. Greene's counter display in a stunt that the man did himself I mean shouldn't be that surprising dudes a pro wrestler mr. green is killed after Santa grabs his menorah and raises him up high and stabs him with the holy candle hole there hard enough to pin the dude to the wall but somehow mr. green manages to stay alive long enough for Nicholas to show up a little later when he tells Nick that Santa is to blame for his new neck decoration I thought you people didn't you believe in him yeah not really the time for that kid Nicholas goes to the police station and talks to police captain call who the movie makes a joke out of by having him dressed like Santa as played by Martha Washington Nick tries to tell him that Santa's out there killing people and that they might be safe if they can make it to 7 o'clock sees 7:00 p.m. their time would be midnight in the Greenwich Mean Time Zone which would presumably include the North Pole and if they can make it to midnight Christmas will be over and Santa will lose his powers I think but cork just calls Nicholas and his grandpa crazy and tosses him out of his office Nicholas leaves as the cops in the station try to figure out a pattern to all the murders but they're out of time Santa's already here and he enters Cox office to lift the captain up by the throat and hit him in the crotch with a Taser I'm not sure what the final cause of death is but we can safely assume cock was killed along with another four cops whose corpses Santa passes on his way out of the station I like how this one guy got the chalk outline around his body with a Santa hat on top but I can't figure out how the guy at the desk died he looks like he's in one of those fake freeze frames at the end of police squad after that we see exactly why this movie named the police captain cop for some real clever wordplay when Mac and Nicholas think he's pulling them over what is it with you and calm he sucks but obviously that ain't cock coming Adam so they take off in the truck and pull out one of Mac's dad's guns from underneath the seat it's a running joke in this movie that her dad's a gun fanatic and avid hunter expressed earlier when Mac brought some nasty looking Wolverine meat over - Nicholas's grandpa's house oh it looks delicious and frankly the fact that it was Wolverine meat is just further proof of my Michigan theory goby although Nicholas knows as much about guns as I do he manages to shoot sand off the back of the truck so the kids are able to get back to his grandpa's house and make it down to the bunker but Santa has followed them there and first he attacks a group of six carolers on their porch once again despite some non-lethal looking action they're all going on the cow a wide shot shows them looking pretty dead here oh and we only see five bodies in the wide but there were six carolers altogether three women and three men I'm pretty sure the one missing body from the wide shot is this dude who was knocked over the side of the porch you wouldn't be able to see him from that angle Santa's shoulder slams at the bunker door nik expresses that annoying cynicism I mentioned in the intro that cannot connect in there Oh genius will use some tough actin tinactin on Santa what are the chances calling clocked out when we cure him of his athlete's foot yo kid maybe trust your grandpa who built a Santa bunker for exactly this occasion grandpa and the kids escaped through a metal hatch that leads them out to the garage where there are some anti Santa snowmobiles waiting for Santa sees them on one of the bunkers monitors and comes out back to the alley where he and grams start talking shit to each other you've really let yourself go I'm yeah the Santa gets the last laugh when he has his hell dear come out of nowhere and plow the old man over man there's an obvious joke somewhere in here but grandpa got run over by a rake oh yeah there it is a head stomp secures the kill and it's gonna need a little more explanation later on but right now just trust me when I put it on the cow the kids get away on their snowmobile and all we need now is one red leather cape whip and the donning of a Christmas cab before we're off on a mediocre chase scene scored by more of that subpar music oh my god I can't handle this fucking soundtrack anymore at least the chase scene involves exploding present bombs being rained down upon two kids and a cute little headbutt from the Buffalo hell beer that thing was a real Buffalo that they had on set but in a hilarious fun fact Goldberg wound up being so scary that the Buffalo would run away from his voice aw poor buffalo baby the kids ride their snowmobile right into town and try to warn the townsfolk about the murder sand on their tails but nobody listens to them so when Santa Claus flies his sleigh straight into the town's middle-of-the-road tree display he picks up pastor Timmons as a passenger pastor incher goldberg finishers dave thomas that he is indeed a pro wrestler in both wine delivery and action why I'm just trying to spread a little Yuletide fear Nicholas and Mac break into the school where she finally takes the initiative and turns the signals she's been sending up to full blast am I gonna have to make every first move in this relationship I honestly don't even know why they went to this school this is when the movie gets bogged down in its plot a little bit and the cynical snarkiness won't let up either what's this Nutcracker you think you're the one who asked don't be rude when he answers you Santa finds them in the school and deliver some mr. freeze quality jokes who's your daddy he also has some CGI Christmas fireballs oh man I've seen better graphics come out of Liu Kang's wrists the kids end up running onto the school's hockey rink and come on what other state is gonna have high school hockey rinks other than the home of hockey town itself this movie definitely takes place in Michigan even if it was filmed in Canada the kids have a quiet moment together while their butts get frozen to the ice but before they can heat things up with a kiss Santa rides in on a Zamboni he chases them down and backs them against the wall but before he can park that Zamboni and Emilie de Ravin smile the vehicle is stopped by a glowing curling stone on the rink Hey look it's grandpa and he's glowing like an angel because he is an angel turns out he's always been an angel I guess and was in fact the angel who consigned Santa to the nicety contract those thousand years ago I'm still gonna leave him on the count though because I feel like we saw his corporeal form killed you know honestly I'm more confused by how this ancient angel has a human grandson and why that grandson's only 16 years old in 2005 Santa wants to kill Nick and end the angels lineage but grandpa instead challenges him to another curling match right there on the high school hockey rink if grandpa wins Santa will go back to being good but if Santa wins grandpa will be stuck in hell for all eternity the Satan hell not the Michigan line oh speaking of which they explain why this movie takes place there you said you'd go to heaven back to find me what's the bet was over so I moved to hell Township sure grandpa slides his slippery rock first and does pretty good with it but for his turn Santa just grabs the old man himself and slides him straight on into the whole Santa turns his attention back to Nick but one flaming nut to the chest later and Santa's not down long enough for Nick to rescue his grandpa from the hellhole Santa flees from the whiny teenager on his samboni and with grandpa angel on neighborhood leave the hockey rink because magic reasons or whatever it's up to the awkward teenagers to take care of evil Santa once and for all their ultimate plan involves a bunch of skeet shooters that include max never before mentioned brother and a dude named Vinny who speaks through a voice box Nicolas promises them that they can bag a really impressive buck a flying freaking Buffalo and then whistles for Santa's hellhound to come fine bleep down the all skeet skeet skeet shooters all open up but it takes a friggin rocket out of nowhere to blow that healthy route the sky and rain entrails down upon them I guess that's our payoff for the running joke about her dad's pension for firearms the blast through Santa's straight onto a flagpole but it's not Goldberg Santa that got impaled instead its pastor Timmons who the rest of the town's folk just accept as the real culprit behind the day's Santa murder spree yeah cuz it's real easy to mistake Dave Thomas for freaking Goldberg Nicholas doesn't correct them because he figures it's fine now that Christmas is over great that means these two can finally stop talking and just get to swapping spit a quick day new mall shows Santa going by shit on getting a plane ticket to the North Pole and before you can turn off your TV fast enough you get one last blast of that awful listless slacker rock [Music] oh and also there's a post-credits scene where goldberg gets to say his catchphrase who's next the story was messy the acting atrocious maybe kills were how this film succeeded the mostest let's find out at the numbers 41 people died in Santa's sleigh so yeah this movie came through on the body count the victims consisted of 26 men and 15 women although I freely admit I was being generous with the count when it came to the strip club whatever man tis the season for giving high numbers with an insanely short runtime of only 78 minutes we wound up with a kill on average every 1.9 minutes damn dude I'll give the golden chainsaw four coolest kill to that strip club patron who got electrocuted via a stripper pole it's a fun use of the setting and I really like how messed up his face looks when he's sitting there fried doll machete for lamest kill we'll go to the 12 people killed in the strip club fire which I still don't feel great about including but I guess I'm committed now and that's it Santa's sleigh was released direct to Home Media in 2005 and has since become a cult favorite I hope you all have a warm safe holiday that you get to spend in whatever way makes you happiest I've got one more episode for you this year on Friday but until then I'm James Agee nice it's been the kill count thanks a lot for watching this year's Christmas episode of the kill Kyle I want to thank a couple of patrons like Jake Royce and Panther will I also want to keep thanking patrons who have been with me for over a year people like Thomas raper Michael LeMay michael moldering and Victoria Ewing aw Tori you were my first girlfriend when we dated back in sixth grade I was super immature and awful about it when we broke up and I still feel really bad about that I'm sorry be good people

Channel: undefined

Views: 6,069,590

Rating: 4.9268961 out of 5

Keywords: killer, saul rubinek, horror, evil, kill, james a. janisse, clause, DMKC, chris kattan, james caan, canadian, jaj, rebecca gayheart, xmas, pro, helldeer, santa clause, robert culp, norse, films, scary, buffalo, wcw, movies, goldberg, wwf, dead meat, fran drescher, wrestler, pine commander boogie, douglas smith, santa, brett ratner, dave thomas, kill count, bill goldberg, david steiman, kills, christmas, body count, wwe, emilie de ravin

Id: D1AfdEUNfTA

Length: 19min 41sec (1181 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 23 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Khalbrae]

Thank you! What a fantastic bonus.

Edit: Wait a second... Officer Caulk was killed by being tased in the.... Caulk?

[u/VermillionBedsheets]

Fun Fact: This movie was made by following Goldberg around for a few days before Christmas. Those aren't special effects, he just sort of did that and no one knows how

[u/FriskeyVsWorld]

YESSSSSS!

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This movie is just the perfect amount of insane and I love it.

[u/halloweenieboobeenie]

Me and my big brother used to watch this movie every year on Christmas eve when we were young. Idk why lmao

[u/Khalbrae]

Legally stream this movie online:

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