(didgeridoo playing) - Oh, my God,
what is that noise?!
- Oh, thank God you're up. I was worried
you were gonna sleep
through Australian New Year's! G'day, mates.
Like my Australian clapsticks? - No! No! - Thank you.
Oh, my God. Hon, can we just wait
to celebrate
until actual New Year's? - Noy. Why celebrate once
when you can celebrate all day, in every time zone?!
Come on! New Year's Eve
is like a birthday party
for the entire world, only you don't have
to buy anyone presents. - Are you saying neither of you
bought me presents? - I got you
this delicious Vegemite toast. - Okay, I'll make a wish list
next time.
- Okay, do you want some toast? - I'm good. I'm giving up sugar
for New Year's, which means I only have
from now until midnight
to binge on sweets, and I'm not gonna make any room
for your Aussie trash toast. Do we have a jar of frosting?
Ooh, donuts. That'll work. - Hey. No, no, no! No.
Don't touch that.
- What?! - Hey. It's my
time capsule. See? - Oh! - I put this box together
when I was nine, and I haven't looked inside
since! 2005! Oh, Beyoncé was huge,
American Idol and Grey's Anatomy
were on TV. Oh! Another Star Wars movie
came out. It's like a whole
other time. Anyway, who wants to see
what nine-year-old me thought was important enough
to save for future me? Huh? (exclamations)
Alright. Ready?
(exclamations) Oh! Look! (gasping)
Oh, Dunkaroos? These were
my favourite snack! Cookies dipped in icing! - Oh.
This hasn't aged very well. Well, considering what men
are up to these days, cheating at biking's not so bad. - Mm.
- Oh, my God, look! It's a list of everything
I wanted to accomplish
by the year 2020! - I love that.
What does it say? - Let's see, let's see,
let's see. Oh, my God.
Okay, ready? Ahem. "Win a gold medal
for ice skating.
(laughter) Own my very own Chuck E. Cheese. Learn how to use chopsticks."
Oh, I nailed that. - Ah...
- Oh...
- "Finish veterinary school. Perform the Miami Back-Up
in front of everyone." - Who's everyone?
- What's the Miami Back-Up? - I need to keep reading this?
- No, no, keep going!
This is fun. - Okay. Um... "Be best friends
with Rachael Leigh Cook." (laughter)
"Go to a big,
fancy New Year's Eve party. Marry Orlando Bloom
and/or Leonardo DiCaprio." Okay, so I officially
haven't accomplished anything
on this list. Minus the chopsticks. Seriously? - Oh! But wait.
We are going to a big, fancy
New Year's Eve party! So after tonight,
you can check that
off your list. - You're right. $250 bucks
a ticket is fancy as hell.
And who knows? Maybe I'll cross off a few
other things on my list tonight.
Orlando Bloom is single. - Oh.
(chiming)
- Oh. But first...
gotta do this TaskIt. This ticket's
not gonna pay for itself. - Wait. You haven't bought
your ticket yet? Liza, why don't you just let us
cover you? - Noy! No, no, no. Hey.
I mean, I appreciate the offer, but going to a big,
fancy New Year's Eve party
isn't an accomplishment if I have to borrow money
to pay for a ticket.
That's just pathetic. - Alright.
Make that money, girl. - You know those are, like,
a decade old, right? - And yet somehow they've only
gotten better with age, like a fine wine with hints
of sawdust and... innocence. - Good luck with that.
(crunching) Oh, crikey!
I missed Australian New Year's. - Oh...
- At least I can go get ready
for Tokyo New Year's. I should've learned
how to use chopsticks. Dammit. (theme music) It's $250, $250... Oh. Okay. (phone ringing) Hey.
Can I call you back in a sec? I have a ton of balloons
I have to deliver, and I do not wanna miss out
on Paris New Year's. - Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Just one thing.
Did Shane leave a message? - Who's Shane?
- My boyfriend. Shane. <i> Remember? You met him
after Thanksgiving?</i> We all went
to that outdoor food thing. - Oh, yeah, Shane!
He's your boyfriend? - Well, yeah.
Only I haven't heard from him
in a week or three, <i> and I'm just trying
to firm up the deets.</i> We had plans
to go to this party tonight. I was wondering if he left
a message on our landline. - We don't... have a landline.
- I thought so. I was just hoping that we did
and maybe I forgot? (beeping)
- Hold on. Harlow's beeping in. Hey. I'm on the other line
with Oliver.
I'll conference you in. - Okay, listen,
I need a single guy
to take to the party tonight. - Don't you already have a date?
- Yeah, I did,
but now he has the flu? I mean, 104 is barely even
a fever. Can't he just go
to the hospital tomorrow? - I can't believe he wouldn't
risk his life for you. - I know! And now I'm dateless
on New Year's Eve! And everyone knows
your midnight kiss determines the trajectory
for your entire year. If I don't find someone to kiss,
it will literally plunge my year
into darkness. My cousin Julia?
She was a model. 2016, she didn't have
someone to kiss at New Year's, and her life
went just straight to hell. She got this mystery rash,
she lost her cosmetics contract, and now she works
at a bowling alley
spraying shoes. - Shane and I went
bowling once.
(chuckling) I need more Flakes.
- Get me some. <i> Wait. You guys both at home?
Okay.</i> Why don't you work this out
amongst yourselves so I don't miss out
on another New Year's?!
(beeping) <i> Le</i> dang.
Whoa! Harlow, that dress
is the dicks! Kinda like "the tits"? I dunno,
I was workshopping it. Anyways, point is,
you look awesome! - Thank you.
The guy at the store said
it was one-of-a-kind, and basically made for me,
because no one else
could pull it off. That's cute too.
- Thank you. - Have you worn that before?
- No, I just got it. There were, like, 40 of these
on a discount rack
at the thrift store. They came with matching aprons
and hats too,
but that seemed a little extra. The guy told me that this means
"good luck" in Chinese.
It's perfect for New Year's. - And where have I seen that
before? - It's a uniform from China Q.
- What?
- Right! That Chinese barbecue place
where they flip the spare ribs into their hat off the grill?
China Q! - That's what those aprons were.
So this means-- - China Q.
- Oh. - I thought it was a statement. - Who cares?
You look China-cute! - Hmm-hmm.
- Let's get an Uber. Oh, no, I'll drive.
New Year's surge pricing? We don't wanna pay that.
Also, I'm not drinking tonight. I wanna be completely aware
when I meet Orlando Bloom. - Highly unlikely.
- Mm. But I'm staying positive. Come on.
I just have a few quick stops
to make along the way. - What was that? Oh, so by "a few quick stops"
you actually meant picking up
passengers for multiple hours. - Not hours. Alright?
Just an hour. And all the stops
have been along the way. - We went to Marina del Rey!
- Where you got that gelato! Alright, look, I'm sorry.
But I've almost made enough
for my ticket. This guy's the last one,
alright? I promise. (sighing)
- What?! I don't get it. Shane just posted
that he's going to the party.
Look, he's got a VIP wristband. But he hasn't texted me back.
Maybe he got a new phone
and I'm not in his contacts? - Oh, Oliver. Tough-love time.
You're getting ghosted. - What? No. No. I know what getting ghosted
looks like,
and this is definitely not that. - Or that's exactly what it is
and you just can't see it, because you're in Stage One:
Clueless AF.
- What are you talking about? - Harlow's Five Stages
of Getting Ghosted? Are you not watching
my Insta-stories? Okay, well, that's rude.
I guess I'll just summarize,
then. The first stage of getting
ghosted is Stage 1, where you are:
being totally Clueless AF. Then there's Stage 2:
Pissed AF; Stage 3: Desperate AF;
Stage 4: Sad AF. And then finally, Stage 5:
Acceptance. AF. - Aren't those just
the five stages of grief? You didn't even change
the last one. - Oliver,
there are no new ideas,
just rebranded old ones. - Ugh. (Liza): Okay. Alright. (sighing)
Okay. Hey, Oliver, could you give
our guy back there a lil' nudge? - You have reached
your destination! - Oh! Okay. Mm... no.
This is not where I'm going. - What? But...
this is the address
you put in the app. Okay. It's fine. Uh...
just give me the right address. - Okay. Okay. One second. - You can... just tell me. - Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Hmm!
There it is. - Oh, my--
- It's just a drawing
of a house. - So, what,
we're just stuck here
with this guy?! Oh, my God. I am no one's
neck pillow!!! - Huh. Wow. Looks like someone's moved
into Stage 2: Pissed AF. (music thumping)
- This isn't our party. - Yes, but it's<i> a</i> party. Okay, full disclosure:
I'm here for a TaskIt Job. But as soon as I finish,
I'll have enough money
for the party tonight. Hmm? What? Oliver, look,
I'm sure they'll have
a kick-ass dessert spread. And Harlow, who knows?
Maybe you'll meet
a handsome stranger who you can take
to the next party. C'mon. It'll be quick. Let's go. Okay, I'm gonna go find the host
so I can do my work.
You two have fun. - Huh. Look at this crowd. A bunch of suburban dads either
bored with their marriages
or lonely after their divorces. I bet there's a silver fox
in here who'd sell their mid-life-crisis Corvette
just to kiss me at midnight. - I know I should stop her
from possibly ruining
a marriage, but is that
a chocolate fountain?! - Ugh! What is this? Onion dip? I didn't order onion dip.
This isn't Hooters! Crab. Crab dip!
Ugh, I need my Xanax. - Mrs. Schulz? Hi!
I'm Liza, the Tasker you hired. - Oh, thank God you're here!
Oh, you work at China Q! We used to love that place!
With the spare ribs in the hat?
I thought they all closed down. Anyway, a few things for you.
We are short staffed tonight. My nanny was supposed
to be here,
but her flight got delayed, and she's usually
such a huge help at parties. Where is my vape pen?
There it is. It's gonna be that kind
of night.
Y'know what I mean? Okay, so we need your help
at the bar, and I need you to go upstairs
and read my son Trevor
a bedtime story. - Sounds easy enough. Is it more like Goodnight Moon,
or Harry Potter? - I honestly have no idea
what he's into these days,
but he'll let you know. - Okay. Cool.
(scraping)
- Those are oak floors! - Trevor? Hi. I'm here to read you
a bedtime... story. Hi. I'm Liza! And how old are you? - Thirteen. Why you screaming? - Was I?! Oh, my bad. Um - ahem - so it's
New Year's. You excited? - You work at China Q,
or is that just...
part of the costume? - Costume?
- So how does this work? - Uh, well, do you want to pick
the story, or should I? - You pick it.
Isn't that part of your job? - Okay. Um... Let's see. What do we have? Hmm. Well. Yeah, wow. You're an avid reader, huh? - You know what?
You can skip the story.
I don't need it. Why don't we just, you know,
go to the... the end part? - Okay. Um...
you want to be tucked in? - Yeah.
- Oh. Okay. Okay. Let's see. There you go. Whoa! Whoa!
Trevor, why the hell?! - Sorry!
Are you one of those prostitutes
that won't kiss on the mouth? - What?! Excuse me! I'm one of those prostitutes
that's not a prostitute! Ew! Gross!
Why would you even think that?! Also, the right term
is "sex worker,"
or possibly "sex professional," but we can get into the politics
of that another time. - But my parents hired you!
- To read you a bedtime story! - Yeah, right! No offense,
but don't you think I'm a little old
for a bedtime story? - No offense?
I am way more offended that you thought I was a...
Gross! - Come on!
If you're not a sex worker,
why are you in a costume? - It is not a costume
and I am not a sex worker!
- Wait. - But I do I appreciate
you using the correct language, because that does show
sensitivity and also destigmatizes
the profession. (dance music)
- In your future,
I see a beautiful woman... Oh, scratch that.
I mean a beautiful man. Mm. I'm getting a name.
It starts with the letter-- - Don't tell me it's an "S."
- It is an S! - I knew it. Shane! - I am sensing strong feelings
in this relationship. - It's because I feel like
we could still work things out. Like, if I maybe started
wearing those snore strips, even if I have a hard time
sleeping with something
stuck on my nose? - Desperate AF.
AKA bargaining stage. - Don't you have a home
you should be wrecking? - I see you're at a crossroads.
Let's see what the cards
have to say. - I'm sorry, are you guys
gonna be much longer? I'm the singer
for the band tonight and I would love to get
a reading before I go on. I just get a little nervous
sometimes. - Cool. Maybe you can finish
telling me that story when my relationship
isn't hanging in the balance?
Back in line! - No... this
isn't good. - What? Does Roseanne
get another TV show? - Worse.
- What?! - There's going to be
an explosion, a violent explosion,
at tonight's party. There will be casualties. - An explosion?
- Boom... - Ah...
(laughing) - Really? Nothing about Shane?
You are terrible at your job. Unless this is about a tip.
If I tip you,
will you tell me about Shane? Dammit, I'm still bargaining. (soul music)
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ I wanna get with you ♪
- I just love New Year's. I don't think
there's anything more romantic
than a midnight kiss. - Oh, I couldn't agree more.
I proposed to my wife
on New Year's, at the Laker game
on the Kiss Cam. I have a video.
Wanna see it? - No, I'm good. Thank you.
- No? Ok... - Hi there.
- Hi. Do we know each other? - Would you like
to know each other?
- I know what it is! You look just like
my wife's niece!
Oh, that is too funny! I-I have to show her. Helen!
Doesn't she look
just like Courtney? - Hey, handsome.
- Hey. Wow. Now, that's a dress. - Oh, thank you.
(laughing) - You know,
my wife's birthday is next week.
Where'd you get it? - The dress?
- Yeah.
She would just love that dress. Would you mind
if I just checked the tag--
- Yes, I mind! God... - Oh, hey, how's Trevor?
Did he go down okay? - Did he what?! Oh... you mean
did he go to sleep. - What did you think I meant?
- Exactly what you meant.
- What? - What? Uh, you said
you needed help at the bar?
- I do, yes. Right. Uh, we ice, which is
in the garage freezer. And Robin. Where's Robin? - I'm right here.
- Oh, she's right there. Okay, um, she's gonna tell you
which bottles need refilling, and anything else
she might need you to grab. Oh, but this is mine.
(laughing) - So looks like we're both stuck
working the holiday, huh? - Yeah, it's not ideal,
but I'm saving up for a ticket. - Oh, hey,
I'm saving up for a ticket too. - My mom's back in Georgia.
She's pretty sick
and it's not looking so great. Anyway, where are you going?
- Uh... to the garage. Gotta go get that ice.
Before it melts. Even though it's in a freezer.
We don't know how cold
their freezer is, though. Is that Rachael Leigh Cook? - Hey, that is her!
- Oh... - My wife absolutely loves
her... - What are you doing?!
You can't just walk up
to Rachael Leigh Cook! But if I don't, then I won't be
BFFs with her by midnight. Oh, come on,
make little Liza proud. Celebrities are just like us.
Just walk right up to her. Hey, Rachael. Hi, Rach. What up, RLC?
What's cookin', Cook? Oh, my God,
please don't do that one. Okay. Watch out, Rachael Leigh Cook.
You're about to get bestie'd. - The (bleep), Greg?! - Oh, my God, I can't believe
that just happened!
You blew it! You idiot! Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
- What are you doing? Couldn't find another john
to skip out on? - Whoa. First of all,
you watch way too much
dated television. Second, don't pull
that "point out something
I'm doing wrong to distract from something
you're doing wrong."
I made up that trick, kid. Also,
I'm not doing anything wrong,
because I'm not a sex worker. - Shhh!
- Or a sex professional. It's a very nuanced
and dense topic. Gimme that.
You shouldn't be drinking!
You're 13. - You don't want me to drink,
you don't want me to have sex. Do you realize how boring it is
to be a kid?
- Are you kidding me? Trevor, being a kid is awesome.
Do it as long as possible! Hang out with your friends,
eat sticks of butter
dipped in sugar, let your parents feed you
and do your laundry,
because, guess what, a couple years from now,
they're not gonna do that
anymore. And go sneak into a rated-R
movie. For some reason, it's just not as fun
when they just let you in. - Whatever.
- No! No! Not whatever!
Okay, do it. Do it all! Because one day,
you're gonna wake up
and you're 24, and you realize that you haven't
done anything you set out to do and your whole life has just
been one big, giant zero! - Are you... crying?
- No. - It's really unhealthy
to stifle big emotion.
Are you sure? My mom makes us go
to family therapy. If you're having a feeling,
you should feel it. I-I don't get it.
What did you want to do
that... that you couldn't do? - Just stupid stuff. Like...win a gold medal, or become a vet,
or lead a group
in the Miami Back-Up. - What's the Miami Back-Up?
- It was this extremely popular
dance that predates you. Okay? Don't worry about it.
It's just awesome. - Found it.
(laughing)
It looks stupid. - It's not stupid! Okay, what's stupid
is not enjoying every carefree, bill-free, responsibility-free
moment you have right now. Because in 15 years,
it's gonna be you
talking to some teenage girl at a New Year's Eve party
about all the regrets you have. - I hope she's hot
and down to party. - Good talk. Little asshole. - Hello!! Thank you so much for coming out
to my New Year's party! Here's the thing.
I know that I promised you
Some Doubt, the No Doubt cover band, but the lead singer,
she just disappeared, with her tight little
Gwen Stefani body. You know, the Shake Beltons
are playing off the 101. They're the Blake Shelton
cover band, Maybe she went there,
but the truth is, we don't know! Bottom line is, we have no one
to perform with the band. (all): Aw...
- (Bleep) it! Get drunk! Take your pants off! - I found a bigger plate. - Ah... I believe
it's pronounced "platter."
- Before you say anything, yes, I'm in
the acceptance stage. I've accepted the fact
that I'm going to gain 50 pounds
and no one will ever love me. - Ah... sounds like
the depression stage.
Deep depression. Although I'm right there
with you. Ugh. - Is that contagious?
- I don't know! Okay? I mean, what is wrong
with all these guys? Haven't any of them heard
of adultery? - On the other hand,
maybe it's kind of nice that these guys
love their wives. - Listen.
I've been watching you. You got it all wrong!
No one here loves their wives. No one can afford to get
a divorce in this economy,
so they're just toughing it out, pretending to be happy
until the stress just kills 'em.
It's cheaper. Oh, shit, there's my wife!
Sorry, hon. I'm coming. - That's depressing.
- That is... the best thing
I have ever heard! (laughing)
It's not me, it's society! It's this party!
And you know what? At the next party,
there's gonna be a shit ton of single guys
that I can get to. So I can find someone
before midnight. Where's Liza? We gotta go.
Liza! Liza! - Good evening, party people. Uh, I'm sorry to hear
that Some Doubt had to cancel
tonight. But I think I have something
you're gonna like even better,
no doubt! - No Doubt is playing?!
- No, I meant I have something
even better, no doubt! - So it<i> is</i> No Doubt?
- Uh... no. - Also, is there a China Q
still open? (murmurings)
- Just hit it.
(beeping) You guys ready
to do the Miami Back-up?! ♪ All my friends
are on the streets
cruisin' to that Miami beat ♪ ♪ Seatbelts on drop top down,
here's how we drive
in Miami-town ♪ Huh? Yeah! You remember this?! ♪ Hit the road ♪ ♪ Change lanes ♪ ♪ Check your mirrors ♪ ♪ Now back it up
Back it up yeah ♪ ♪ Honk that horn two times ♪
(honking) ♪ I said honk that horn
two times ♪
(honking) ♪ Do the Miami Back-up baby ♪ ♪ Baby baby baby ♪ ♪ Do the Miami Back-up baby ♪
(shouting) ♪ Baby ♪
Get ready, guys! Alright, everybody,
it's time for the four-way stop! You go. No, you go.
Did you get here first? Isn't it the person to the right
that always goes first?
I dunno. ♪ Everybody go ♪ ♪ Do the Miami Back-up baby ♪ (mimicking braking)
Sorry. Fender bender. We'll exchange information
later. ♪ Do the Miami Back-up baby ♪ ♪ Do the Miami Back-up ♪ ♪ A back-up camera ♪ ♪ Can be very helpful ♪
- Whoo! (cheering) - Whoo!! Thank you! Whoo!! (cheering) - So much fun!
- Aw...
- Thank you, Liza. People are gonna be talking
about this for weeks! It's a little something
for all your hard work. And if you ever want to come
back and babysit Trevor-- - I'm moving to Colorado.
- Oh, I get it. The weed alone. Happy New Year! Good luck! - Happy New Year.
- Oh, my God! (laughter)
That was amazing! - Seriously, Liza,
that is something I would've
paid actual money for. - Ooh, no need.
'Cause I finally got that 250! (both): Ah!!
- Big fancy party, here we come! Two things off my list.
Bang-bang! See that, little Liza?
Big Liza done made you proud! I am going into 2020
with points on the board! And you know what?
Orlando Bloom is definitely
getting wifed tonight! Regardless of whether or not
I'm still attracted to him. And spoiler alert: I am!
(laughter) - I thought
the night was ruined, but that was actually
a lot of fun.
Oh, my God. Maybe that was the explosion
Psychic Rhonda
was talking about. The explosion of joy
you gave everyone inside. - We're sorry we doubted you.
- And you know what else? I don't even care
if Shane's at that party.
- Oh! Acceptance AF. - Oh!
- You guys are the best. And you know what?
Thank you for being so patient. Now we can go celebrate
our New Year's Eve!
(laughter) - Uh, Liza? Where's your car? - Oh, shit. - What?
- You bought...
(laughter) I'm sorry.
(guffawing) - Ahem and meow. (gibberish) Ah. Little Liza, look...
(gibberish) (laughter)
Mm. Is this rehearsal,
or we rolling? (indistinct chatter)
(guffawing)
Oh-ho-ho! You can't do that! I do appreciate you using
the correct terminology, because it does...
(gibberish) But I do appreciate you using
the correct terminology, because that is sensi...
(guffawing) But I do appreciate you using
the correct language, because that...
Dang you, Noah! Dang you! <i> On the next Liza on Demand:</i> - That's Mike WiLL Made-It,
the world-famous music producer. - Mike WiLL Made-It.
- I loved your collab
with Taylor Swift. - Nice dress.
- The sales guy said I was the only one
who could really pull it off. (techno music) - Now, this passenger...
- Oh, my God! I'm being kidnapped by a ghost!
- Was he right or left-handed? It's important if you want me
to help you find
your missing car, Miami. - It's Liza.
- Well, I did spend six years
as the star of CSI: Des Moines. Don't touch anything!
This room is covered
in ejaculate! Subtitling: difuze
