RHETORIC 2019 | Jasmine Sims - "Ashes & Monuments"

[Applause] her words her words held my family as if we were already shattered pieces her mouth her mouth was a resting place of a feather blade and it shattered what was left of us the nurse told us that sometimes a person requires permission before they can allow themselves to lean into the cold arms of forever waiting for them she told us it's common for them to reserve their last breath until their loved ones have left the room she encouraged us to tell you that it was okay for you to leave so now my morning routine once consisting of coffee and music now includes me telling you that it's okay for you to abandon us here I know that my lips were cinder blocks on your fragile brow I'm sorry if that was too much weight for you I told you it was okay for you to go I told you that I love you cuz I don't think that real love should come in past tense I told you that you did well I don't know if my words were even the truth cuz I remember them depositing your body in a black bag and a thundering zipper as if the whole house couldn't hear them selling you away they placed you on a ghosted gurney that still haunts me they rolled my protector over the threshold of our home as if he some decaying abandoned building that needed to be removed didn't they know that there were still prayers waiting for you to see the manifestation of them you prayed that I would have a solid relationship with God daddy let's be honest for years you were the bridge my faith could walk to get closer to our king and now we should seeing him and it gets real awkward sometimes but you didn't raise and you have a back-up plan so me and God I just don't have to figure it out you prayed that I would have a career doing what I love do the Ageless tell you that your baby girls poetry puts a little bit of money in her pocket it's not much to this progress you prayed that I would marry a man who loved God that I would marry a man who knew how to get a prayer through and daddy I want to tell you I'm sorry for all of the men who I allowed treat you as if your time was unlimited I wish there was a return policy on wasted minutes cuz I'd much rather have spent them with you and we all know that your hands are the only ones worthy enough to give me away and daddy I just don't think they make him like you any more when I packed up Chicago and moved back home to take care of you I said dad I got enough money for rent or a new puppy you said go ahead and get your dog I'll give you the money for rent who gonna score me like that now daddy cuz death death unfolded his arms on a Monday I don't know how long he stood in the corner of your room waiting for you I don't know how long my mother's prayers and petitions kept him at bay but I've never seen a man seesaw between two realms it's devastatingly beautiful for weeks I watched her eyes pare past the present your body barely functioning holding on to a soul that was immortal and he turned it he was calling for you I watched your church crushed beneath the falling weights of a fallen Idol they made an idol of you daddy I know you told them not to but isn't that just like a congregation to do the very thing you tell them not to do I watched you preach Christ until your body no longer had a voice to give you last conversation we had was you asking me if Jesus was to return what I'd be ready and I told you yes and I watched peace fill your eyes your funeral was beautiful the flowers from mocking the way they resembled life but there was nothing there but death and a haunting scent I smelled regret in the air I even felt fear and maybe it was my own cuz for two years strength has had her arms around me and I finally feeling lifting grief is an unbearable weight to bear you wear a far lighter laho to carry I can still feel the weight of you against my body hoping that you couldn't hear the trembling in my hands begging God for much time still shocked that I could lift you out of the bed cuz you couldn't do it on your own and I couldn't help but remember all of the times I lifted you lifted me out of my own bed cuz I couldn't do it on my own I was glad to return the favor your wife she delivered a flawless eulogy but you're not surprised you loo you married both the hurricane and the bunker my mother is amazing the girl at Acura helped me pick out the dress I wore it to bury you I think you would have liked it daddy it was modest I even covered my knees I don't think you would have sent me back to my room to change nor giving me the side eye me and my sister often received for our weird fashion choices I think you would have called it shark it was black you are always so proud that God chose to make you black don't you remember daddy when the puppets came for the children's church and you couldn't understand how to teach a brown Savior to black and brown kids with pale puppets so you colored them in with markers and they look horrible but isn't that just the heart of the pastor doing all that he can so the message is received but I can't get the last breath out of my head your chest was hollow like a speaker giving off a sinister rattling a warning that this would be the end and I am afraid that you will say too far into the past tense and I won't be able to depict you properly to your grandchildren I normally give God a polite praise I know all of the right words to say but when sunday came I gave God a frightening trembling worship because people have turned their back on him for less daddy I will do my best to honor your legacy because even when I get my oil change the man still asked about Jesus your father was so kind I don't know if you know how big your legacy is do the Angels tell you that your son is a father now I think he'll be just like you do they tell you that your children keep her eye or Mama's smile making sure that it's genuine because I watched my mother bury the love of her life of 30-plus years and I've never seen her faith waver when we asked her why would God allow something like this to happen to a man so devout and so loving she didn't even blink she said I don't know baby but we are the servants of God and whatever he allows we accept she said that heaven had need of you she taught me how to accept awkward comfort from a bunch of saints who never learned how to agree even how to do it with grace because grief always comes at the worst time and I'm obligated to give it all of my attention so I'll sit in these ashes so the Lord will make something beautiful of my mess cuz no good thing when he was hold from me including this grief but I hope that he will forgive me cuz your baby girl still has need of you [Applause]

Channel: P4CM

Views: 19,393

Keywords: First Batch Releases

Id: R4iJ_nN-aGk

Length: 9min 31sec (571 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 11 2019