Retroactive Jealousy OCD: Two Simple Tricks to Start Healing | RetroactiveJealousy.com

since I launched retroactively jealousy calm in 2013 I have received thousands of detailed emails from retroactive jealousy suffers and over time it has become clearer and clearer to me that many if not most experiences of retroactive jealousy include symptoms that we can classify as falling under the label of obsessive-compulsive disorder here's an example of a typical cycle associated with retroactive jealousy OCD so first there's an intrusive unwanted thought for example you know my girlfriend prefers her ex-boyfriend to me or perhaps even my girlfriend might prefer her ex-boyfriend to me or you know she might prefer some guy she once hooked up with or my husband might prefer his ex-wife or whatever there's some intrusive unwanted thought or perhaps it's just a made-up mental movie of a scene from her past you know like maybe I'm just picturing my partner in bed with someone else or whatever so this intrusive unwanted thought leads to anxiety so the anxiety might produce more mental movies and my girlfriend and her ex together this might be followed by feelings of nausea stress and often some kind of physical unease or discomfort this anxiety leads to the compulsion so the compulsion might involve bringing up the topic of my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend and conversation looking for her to reassure me that I'm better in bed and an all-around better match for her or this could include some kind of social media you know Facebook stalking like looking up her ex or going through old emails or her Instagram feed or whatever you know to try and act like a detective trying to piece things together then the compulsion leads to and I emphasize short-term relief so after I go through this process or I get more details or I chat with my partner I might feel better for an evening or maybe just a half an hour until the same unwanted jealous thoughts return and the cycle repeats itself so as you can see there is no lasting relief to be found in this process some people define insanity as repeating the same process over and over and expecting different results and unfortunately this is what many sufferers of rhetoric jealousy do we look to our partners to give us an ultimate reassurance that we really are the best for them and they're completely over their past relationships or we act like amateur detectives piecing together details about our partners past in an effort to finally ease our curiosity and anxiety however no matter what we find or what our partners tell us it's never enough he might take a day it might take an hour but sooner or later our jealous thoughts and anxiety return and we're back to looking for more details clarification reassurance etc this is one of the many reasons why I advise sufferers of retroactive jealousy to stop talking to their partner about their past at least for now stop looking to your partner to provide that one last reassurance stop trying to piece together your partner's past like some hotshot detective because by doing so over and over you're reinforcing the vicious cycle described previously and no matter what your partner tells you or what you find that ultimate reassurance will never come instead of looking for reassurance and having endless conversations with your partner about their past here's something you can try next time you feel a jealous thought or mental movie coming on it's really simple ask yourself is this thought fact or opinion so if you catch yourself thinking my girlfriend might prefer her ex to me ask yourself is this fact or opinion if you picture your girlfriend and her ex in bed together ask yourself is this fact or opinion is this reality or not am i positive that some past event happened exactly like this or am I simply making things up is it a fact that they were together and they felt exactly this way and did exactly these things and the scene looked exactly like this or am i projecting some crazy movie in my head whenever you experience a jealous thought ask yourself fact or opinion am i witnessing this thought in action right in front of me like are you actually watching your partner and her ex in bed together right now or am I making things up that don't exist if you're anything like I used to be and you suffer from retroactive jealousy you've probably compiled a vast details about your partner's past but here's the thing it's all smoke and mirrors memories of the past your partner's memories their ex partners memories your memories aren't what you think they are our memories are never ever as pure or representative of past events as we imagine them to be so let's break this down what is a memory most people think that a memory is a vivid recollection a mental documentary of past events we unconsciously assume that our brain records the events of our lives in glorious high definition video storing it in the hard drive of our brains for safekeeping and future review in fact our memories are more like impressionist paintings with constantly running wet ink than they are like videotapes a living breathing ever-changing concept as opposed to some static museum piece our memories are as alive as we are that said they are subject the same basic principles of life as we are they're born they change constantly and they eventually die so any pain you derive from past memories is delusional as your memories are delusional in short memories are phonies and reminding yourself that your jealousy is based on your own misguided opinions rather than fact is a helpful way to remember that all memories are faulty in the past doesn't exist and if your jealousy or if you think your jealousy is based on fact like let's say your partner actually prefers her ex-boyfriend then what are you doing staying in the relationship anyway why on earth would you choose someone who doesn't choose you and don't fall into the trap of thinking but Zak my girlfriend actually told me she did X Y & Z with her ex it really happened it's a fact that they did those things and again I asked are you sure that what you're imagining or envisioning is fact did it happen exactly as you're picturing it are you positive that I went down precisely as you're seeing it in your head were you in the room with your girlfriend and her ex videotaping and taking notes I didn't think so so try it if you have a jealous thought later on today ask yourself fact or opinion you'll then realize hopefully that your brain is lying to you you're making things up that never happened and your opinion is in fact dead wrong another tactic we can borrow from OCD literature is to learn to dis identify from the offending thought so if you have a recurring unwanted thought or series of unwanted thoughts try to stop yourself from going down that road and a repeating destructive thought and behavior cycles as soon as possible once you identify that you're experiencing the unwanted thought related your partner's past take a moment to consciously disidentify from the thought tell yourself it's not me it's OCD or if you'd prefer it's not me it's RJ if you're alone feel free to say it out loud or simply practice saying the statement of your choice in your head catch yourself before you start to go down a destructive pointless road you've probably traveled many times before once you call it the negative thought for what it is a manifestation of a psychological disorder not a hardwired aspect of your identity immediately occupy your mind with something else go for a run put on some music read a book start journaling immediately start performing some task that requires concentration that will break your unwanted thought / behavior cycle before it begins as I emphasized repeatedly in my online video course and in my guidebook we are not our thoughts our identity is not intrinsically linked to our thoughts or the retroactive jealousy or rhetoric jealousy OCD the trick is to establish new healthier and productive patterns of thought and behavior rather than submit to retroactive jealousy OCD there are a number of tactics and strategies to do this which I cover at length in my guide book and online course but an easy one to help you get started is to simply disconnect from an unwanted thought as soon as it comes up over time with repeated practice this process becomes easier and easier until you begin to do it instinctively at the earliest recognition of an unwonted saw just don't cave into your delusional opinions or constructed memories of past events because they're phonies all of them I hope you find these exercises useful click the link in the description for more information on confronting and overcoming retroactive jealousy OCD

Channel: Zachary Stockill

Views: 90,892

Rating: 4.9321475 out of 5

Keywords: jealousy, retroactive jealousy, relationships, personal development, retrospective jealousy, retroactive jealousy ocd, ocd, girlfriend's past, boyfriend's past, wife's past, husband's past

Id: UPM18bdzEQY

Length: 9min 27sec (567 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 26 2017