-Thank you very much
for being here. Welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody. You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching at home. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ Let's get to some news. Well, guys, with all the
holiday travel being planned, President Biden has proposed
new rules that would require airlines to show consumers the
actual price of plane tickets, including baggage fees and other
extra costs, before they buy. Yeah. Of course, the airlines
all responded by adding an "able to see the full cost" fee. But besides that --
Yeah, airlines will have to show all their hidden fees. Right now, every
credit-card company is like, "Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact.
He's walking right by. Don't look at him." Of course, out of spite, now the
airlines are being too honest. Today, pilots were like,
"Well, folks, this turbulence is
something to worry about." Listen to this. A new poll found that,
in a potential 2024 matchup, Biden and Trump
are essentially tied. Keep in mind the poll
has a 3-point margin of error and a 10-point margin of
"These guys are like 80, let's not get ahead
of ourselves." [ Cheers and applause ] Well, everybody is
talking about this. Rihanna just announced
that she is headlining the 2023 Super Bowl
halftime show! [ Cheers and applause ]
Rihanna! But it's Rihanna,
so she was like, "Wow. This is one of the
top-10 honors of my week." You can tell fans
are excited because at the beginning of every game,
the announcer is like, "And remember,
the winning team advances to the Rihanna concert." And it was just announced
that Apple Music has replaced
Pepsi as the sponsor of the Super Bowl halftime show. And just like with Pepsi,
the NFL was told, "We don't have Spotify. Is Apple Music okay?" Of course, if it rains, Rihanna
will stand under...an umbrella. ♪♪ Or she'll have to be submerged
in a bowl of rice for two days. Since it's Apple.
That's the way Apple... During -- Speaking of the NFL,
during yesterday's game -- I don't know if you saw this --
between the Miami Dolphins and the Buffalo Bills,
Miami's punter had his kick blocked
in a pretty unfortunate way. Watch this. -I don't know. This is risky.
And it was blocked. -Oh, my goodness!
Blocked, indeed. Let's see if we can get a... Oh, it hit the personal
protector, Sherfield. -Ooh, yeah. The refs ruled it a safety
but said it was very close to a sack. -Oh! Whoa! -Very close.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Well, hey, everyone,
this is very interesting. I saw that a school in Australia banned a student for having
an inappropriate mullet. Good thing we don't have
any rules like that here at "The tonight Show,"
right, Higgins? -Right on, brother! Can't lock down these locks. Bottom up, homey. -I hear that, brother. The administrators
at that school need to take
a chill pill, brother. -If I went to that school and
they tried to tame my mullet, you know what I'd tell them? -What? -I'd tell them this, brother. [ Cheers and applause ] -Rock 'n' roll, brother.
Hot damn, brother! -Come on! Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] I heard that grocery prices
are skyrocketing due to a nationwide butter shortage. -Ooh!
-It's bad. At CVS, they moved
the Land O'Lakes behind a locked display case. I'll be honest. Biden might have
survived the gas crisis, but there's no way in hell
he's going to make it through a butter shortage -- no way. Due to Hurricane Ian,
the January 6th Committee just postponed
its public hearing that was scheduled for tomorrow. Yeah, all day, Trump was praying
for a rain delay like a pitcher facing
Aaron Judge. He's like, "Please."
[ Laughter ] Yep, the hearing is postponed. This morning, Trump woke up
like Kevin in "Home Alone." He's like,
"I made my hearing disappear." [ Laughter ] Some political news --
Senator Bernie Sanders said that he hasn't yet decided
whether he will run for president again in 2024. Yeah. People were like,
"President of what?" [ Laughter ] Yep, Bernie
still hasn't decided. Meanwhile,
everyone else is like, "How many times
do we have to decide this? No."
[ Laughter ] Right now, Biden is thinking, "Please run so I look like
the hot, young stud. Please." [ Laughter ] Yeah, well,
ahead of midterm elections, House GOP Leader Kevin McCarthy
and other House Republicans put out a new ad
promoting their agenda. But there was one problem --
some of the footage in the ad that was supposed to be America was actually footage
from Russia. [ Laughter ]
That's real. And that wasn't
the only mistake. Take a look at this spot. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, there's so many --
-Wow! Not even close.
-Riddled. Riddled with errors. -Speaking of Russia,
I just heard that they announced they're boycotting
next year's Oscars. Mm, that's a tough break
for Russia's biggest movie this year, "I Actually Have
A Lot to Worry About Darling." [ Laughter ] You guys see this last night?
NASA intentionally crashed a spacecraft into an asteroid
to see if it could stop one coming towards Earth
in the future. Go, NASA.
[ Laughter ] Meanwhile, the Space Force
was like, "Cool, cool. So what exactly
is our role again? Like, what -- what do we do?"
[ Laughter ] Hey, listen to this --
I heard that the CIA just launched its own podcast. The CIA was like, "After
75 years of listening to you, now you can listen to us."
[ Laughter ] Well, guys,
everyone loves TikTok, but sometimes you just
want to skip through the boring parts of a video
and get right to the good part. Well, it turns out you can with this new thing
that we're doing on our show. For instance,
if you're watching a video here, you can skip this part... ♪♪ ...and go right to this part. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Let me give you another example.
You can skip this part... and go right to this part. [ Thuds ] [ Audience "Ohhs" ] [ Laughter and applause ] The fish tank! The final example --
you can skip this part... -I'm doing a part two to
the treadmill video I did just recently. -...yeah, and just go
right to this part. [ Laughter ]
-There you go. Perfect. Just so you know
that's available. Switching gears --
ahead of the holiday season, Macy's announced plans to hire more than 40,000 new workers. So divide that between
the remaining Macy's locations, and you have 40,000 per store. [ Laughter ] Some more business news.
In an effort to fight theft, retailers like Home Depot
are now locking up items. I'm not sure I trust
Home Depot on security when they can't even
keep birds out. [ Laughter ] Some TV news -- the other night,
there was a new -- There's always birds
in Home Depot flying around. -Come on, there are.
"What's this bird doing in here? Come on.
It's not a bird store." -Some TV news --
the other night, there was an all-new episode
of "Celebrity Wheel of Fortune," and one of the contestants --
Snoop Dogg -- had a little trouble
with some of the puzzles. This is real. Check this out. [ Bell dings ]
-Snoop? -"Swallowing the -- the knot"? [ Laughter ] -That --
no, that's not right. [ Bell dings ]
Snoop? -"Airport teacher."
-No. [ Bell dings ]
And Snoop? "Toilet Atlas." [ Laughter ]
-I have no idea. [ Bell dings ]
-And it's Snoop. -"Baking onions." [ Laughter ] [ Rimshot ] [ Applause ] -Something was baked that night.
It wasn't onions. Well, guys, this should put you
in an even better mood. Today is
National Drink Beer Day. [ Cheers and applause ] I understood
when some of my writers stayed home Monday and Tuesday
for Rosh Hashanah, but today was pushing it. It was like, "Really." Yeah, it's a day
that always starts off fun, then ends with, "No, Officer, you have the right
to remain silent." [ Light laughter ] Yep, National Drink Beer Day, and, of course, for all those
who don't celebrate, there's Coors Light. Yeah.
[ Laughter, scattered applause ] Let's get to some news.
Thank you. Well, guys, today,
former president Trump said that the war
between Russia and Ukraine would have never happened
if he were in office. And even -- He even offered to lead peace
talks between the two countries. Yeah, Trump said, "I'm an expert
on foreign affairs. I've had affairs
with many foreigners. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I should talk." Speaking of Trump,
according to a new book, at one point
during his presidency, he nearly fired Ivanka and Jared
over Twitter. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Eric and Don Jr.
were like, "Wait a minute. He follows you guys on Twitter?" [ Laughter ] Well, listen to this. Apparently Democratic insiders
are impressed with Gavin Newsom's
recent criticism of Republicans, and some think that he's
gearing up to run for president. [ Cheering, booing ] It's int-- Ooh. [ Laughter ] -Meow!
-Yeah, that was great. It was like -- 'Cause everyone
was on this side of the crowd, and then -- Just very odd, yeah. I think it's just
very interesting, 'cause if you put Newsom
in one of those aging apps, you pretty much get Joe Biden. And I just thought
that's very interesting. Very similar. [ Cheers and applause ] A little tweak up. [ Cheers and applause ] Hey, guys, I heard that Kia recalled 70,000 Sorento
and Sportage S.U.V.s after multiple reports of fires and localized melting incidents. [ Light laughter ] Kia was like,
"Look, on the bright side, you now have the world's biggest
panini maker." So that's pretty good.
I mean... Apparently, the tow hitch
in the back could melt. My question is, who's towing
something with a Kia? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] "Want me to move
that tricycle for you? Hook her up to the back.
Let's go. Move that --
Let's go, ant. Let's go.
We're gonna go down the..." Well, get this --
McDonald's just announced that they're going to
start selling Happy Meals with toys for adults. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Yep.
Happy Meals with adult toys. What could possibly go wrong? [ Laughter ] Some more business news. For the first time in 10 years, M&M'S are adding a new character
to the mix, a purple peanut M&M. Here she is. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
A purple peanut M&M. Yeah, I guess the blue and red
M&M'S date went really well. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Adult toys.
-Alright, alright. -That's not Grimace. [ Rimshot ] -Switching gears, Pokémon just unveiled
a new character called Wiglett. Take a look at this. [ Laughter ] That's one of the toys
in the adult Happy Meal. Yeah, that's exactly right.
Yeah. -Oh, my God.
-Did you guys see this? Last night at a concert in D.C., Lizzo played
a never-used crystal flute that once belonged
to President James Madison. -Ooh! -No one had played it
in 200 years. So it was about damn time.
There you go. ♪♪ New York City
is buzzing tonight because last night in Toronto,
Yankees superstar Aaron Judge hit his 61st home run
of the season, tying Roger Maris'
American League record. Yep, Aaron Judge
did the impossible. He made non-Yankee fans
root for the Yankees. It was a special moment. New Yorkers haven't
cheered like this since Bill de Blasio left office. It was really amazing. Fans waited 61 years for
this to happen. That's right -- six decades of
waiting for one exciting moment. That sums up baseball
pretty well. It was a historic night
for Aaron Judge, and you could tell the announcer
was pretty excited, but I'm not sure about his
home-run call. Take a listen to this. -Swung on
and drilled deep left field. It is gone! He's done it! Move over, 69! The new hot thing to do
in the bedroom is 61! Its bom to the bom-bom. He's rounding the bases
like a senior on prom night! He's about to hear something
I never heard from my dad, which is,
"I'm proud of you, Son." Man, oh, man,
that ball left faster than my wife with the pool boy. Oh, baby! -He had weeks to practice that. Wasn't even appropriate,
I thought. -Very emotional for him.
-Yeah. I thought -- Of course, a lot of
people went from the game hoping to catch
the home-run ball. You go the game, "Oh, my gosh.
If I catch this..." It was worth a
quarter of a million dollars if you caught the ball. And one guy came pretty close. Here he is. Look at this. Look at --
Less than 1 foot away. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. And then every guy
who showed up to the game with a fishing net was like,
"Well, who's laughing now?" And get this -- the guy --
This is real. The guy who almost caught
the ball was a Toronto Blue Jays fan named -- and this is real --
Frankie Lasagna. -What?
-Yeah. -Frankie Lasagna? -Frankie Lasagna
is that fan right there, yeah. Frankie Lasagna -- it sounds
like a name you get from the Olive Garden
Witness Protection Program. Frankie Lasagna sounds like
the name Robert De Niro checks into hotels
to avoid paparazzi. He's like...
-Hey! -Frankie Lasagna sounds like
the name of Trump's next lawyer. He's like, "Frankie Lasagna
is the greatest." Speaking of Trump,
it was just revealed that during the
FBI search of Mar-a-Lago, they seized 200,000 pages
of documents from the former president. 200,000 pages. He's like a grandpa
who prints every e-mail. He's like... Yeah, if the FBI delayed
their search another day, the TV show "Hoarders"
would have beat them to it. Some more news. I read the Nord Stream
pipelines, which funnel
gas from Russia to Europe, has started leaking
due to underwater explosions. And the U.S. and Europe think
that Russia is responsible. -Ooh!
-Yeah, a leaky pipeline. Today, President Biden was like, "Oh, I have a
great urologist for that." Hey, guys, listen to this. A new poll shows that
more Democrats are now saying they want Biden
to run for re-election, and if he doesn't,
Vice President Harris is their top choice. That poll was conducted
among two people -- Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Meanwhile,
I saw that Bernie Sanders is leaving the door open
for another presidential run in 2024. He'll be 83 years old. When other members of
the House heard about this, they had some thoughts. For example, first up,
Congressman Ken Buck said... Next up,
Congressman Jim Banks said... And Congressman
Tom Cotton said... And Congressman Colin Allred
said... And Congressman Virginia Foxx
said... And Congressman Dusty Johnson
said... "My full name."
-His full name. ♪♪
Oy! -And, finally,
Senator Roy Blunt said... There you go. Well, guys,
there's a lot of buzz around the new horror movie "Smile." Did you hear about this movie? Everybody -- This is going to be
the big movie this weekend. It's expected to be
such a big hit, they're already planning on
making a franchise out of it. Yeah, take a look at
the trailer I just saw. -This Friday, don't miss
the premiere of "Smile," and then be sure to catch all
the heart-stopping sequels... -Wow. Very interesting. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, some business news. I saw that Hefty
just released new pumpkin-spice-scented
trash bags. Right now,
all the raccoons are like, "I know it's basic,
but I still love it, okay? Can I just say?" Well, this is interesting. According to new research, the pandemic may have changed
people's personalities forever. I'm not sure I've noticed anyone
acting differently. I mean, what about you, Higgins? -Wouldn't know about that, Jack.
[ Jazz music playing ] I've always been the same.
Take it from Baccarat Steve. All Baccarat Steve
has ever cared about is the click, click, clickedy-clack
of the roulette wheel, seeing those triple cherries come up on
my favorite slot machine, and shoplifting crab legs from
Circus Circus buffet. Mwah! Come on! Lucky 4s. -Quest, have you noticed Higgins
has been acting differently? -[ Chuckles ]
[ Rock music playing ] I don't pay mind
to anybody but me, my leather jacket, and my Hog. [ Chuckles ] She's a '78 Harley Shovelhead, and there's nothing more
than I love in life than a little whipping her down
the South Dakota prairie, hitting 80 miles per hour
while the old lady sits behind and feeds me
meatballs from Olive Garden. -James, do you think
people's personalities changed because of the pandemic? -You know me, Jimmy. I've always been the same,
a fan of all things science fic--
[ Laughter ] Science fiction
and geek culture. I'm the biggest fan
of "House of the Dragon" this side of Westeros, LOL. [ Cheers and applause ] I've even learned
the language spoken by the elves on the show,
High Valyrian. Check this out.
[ Clears throat ] [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -What?
-I had no idea. -Okay. Thank you.
-Yeah. -Thank you, James.
-Wow, I guess. -I don't know.
-Wow, man. -That's odd.
-Wow. Finally...
[ Laughter ] ...a new survey
found that over a quarter -- I should let everyone at home
know that James never saw those cue cards or
wore that wig until just now. He had no idea. We just surprised him
on the spot. [ Cheers and applause ] Finally, a new survey found
that over a quarter of Americans have been so hangry
that they've actually eaten out of the garbage. The most common explanation
they gave, "For some reason, the trash bags
smell like pumpkin spice." Well, this is nice. Today, President Biden hosted
The White House's first-ever Rosh Hashanah party to celebrate
the Jewish new year. Yeah. I think Biden was confused
because he ended his speech by saying, "Now let's watch
Ryan Seacrest do the countdown." And you go, "No." Yeah, they celebrated today, even though Rosh Hashanah
was Monday. That's like setting off
fireworks on the Ninth of July. You know what I'm saying?
It's fun, but is it... But it was a nice party,
although it got awkward when Biden was
offered challah and said, "You want me to speak louder? I want that bread
you're holding. Holla at your boy, Jack." Then, a few hours later, the
president hosted a reception for Hispanic Heritage Month. Biden's staff was like,
"Hey, might as well knock out all
the cringey gaffes in one day. You know what I'm saying?" Biden held events
for the Jewish New Year and Hispanic Heritage Month. Staffers watched Biden the way
Aaron Judge's mom nervously watches his at bats. Like, "Come on, buddy.
You can do this. You can do this. Don't mess..." Meanwhile today,
Putin illegally claimed four regions of Ukraine
as part of Russia. And to celebrate,
Putin and a few other leaders had a pretty
interesting handshake. Take a look at this. [ Applause ] -Oh!
[ Laughter ] -What?
-Oh! -Rest easy, Russia. That guy's
coordinating your war. That handshake looked like
a sandwich made up of tiny white sausages,
didn't it? -Ew!
-Well, this is big. Earlier tonight,
Elon Musk hosted Tesla's
Artificial Intelligence Day, and he was expected to
unveil Tesla Bot, a humanoid robot
designed to help with boring, repetitive tasks, stuff that humans
don't want to do anymore. For example, Tesla Bot can... or it can... It can... Then it can... [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -Wow! [ Laughter ] -Some movie news. Today, 29 years after
the original, "Hocus Pocus 2"
premiered on Disney+. [ Cheers and applause ] The movie looks great. It's about three witches
who come back to life after Lizzo starts playing
a 200-year-old flute. [ Laughter ] Hey, did you guys see this? Tomorrow is former president
Jimmy Carter's 98th birthday. -Ooh!
-Yeah, and this is exciting. He's also going to run
for a second term. -Oh.
-Yeah. It's always nice to
hear about a famous Jimmy who doesn't host a
late-night talk show, isn't it? And, finally, I read that a
group of paleontologists just found fish teeth
that are 14 million years older than any teeth
found from any other species. We actually got in contact with
the paleontologists responsible for the find. Here's what they had to say.
The first one said... This next one said... And, finally,
the last scientist said... I'm really happy for those guys.
