- Ready? - Sure. - Okay, hi everyone. In today's video, we
are going to be talking about relationships and schizophrenia. (gentle music) Hi, welcome back to the Living Well With
Schizophrenia channel. If you're new here, my name is Lauren and this is my partner Rob and together, we make videos
about what it's like to live with schizoaffective
disorder which I live with as well as schizophrenia. If you would like to
see more videos from us, make sure to subscribe to our channel. And also if you would like
to help support the creation of videos like this one, make sure to check out the
link to our Patreon page. It's in the description below. Through Patreon, you also gain access to our private Discord server where we offer various
types of peer support through text channels as
well as video messaging and video peer support groups. So if that's something that interests you, make sure to check out the
link to our Patreon page, okay. - Yeah, I think you need to change that up every once in a while. - Fine, okay, not today. - Not today. - Not today. - What do you think about
constructive feedback? I'm not a fan. No, I do what I do. (both laugh) I appreciate your feedback. - Okay, so what's the format here. (Lauren shushing) - Just look pretty. - Okay. (Lauren giggles) - All right, what? - I just, you know, I try to balance my time
between looking at the camera and looking at you and sometimes I'll be
looking at the wrong spot based on what you're saying. (Both laugh) - Listen, don't get in your own head about what you are looking. Be cool, man. All right, so in today's video, we are going to be answering questions that you, our audience
posed about relationships and our relationship and navigating it with me having schizophrenia. So we put it out to, I think
our Instagram audience, about if they had any questions
that they wanted to ask, that they wanted to know more about in terms of navigating
relationships and schizophrenia. And so we are going to be going through some of the most common
questions that came up. - Okay, so what's the first question. - All right, so the first question is when and how do you disclose your
illness to your date/ partner? - So, I mean, you did it, I wanna say like maybe the fourth date. - I think it was the third date and that was very fast for me. I typically, well, I mean, I had really only did it
at a handful of people after having the diagnosis but usually I was very
scared to tell people because of fear of judgment
and fear of negative statement that they may hold, all
those kinds of things. But for some reason I
felt comfortable with you and safe enough to disclose to Rob that I live with schizoaffective disorder. - That's nice. (both laugh) You know, you've told
me before about people that you've dated where
you've just never told them. And so, you know, in
regards to that question, my guess is that people
kind of have an intuition about when they should tell someone or maybe kind of like how
somebody might react to that. So and I guess you went
with your intuition and like it worked out well. This is our baby monitor. (background noise) Our baby's sleeping right now
but not actually sleeping. - So yeah, I don't think there's
really a hard and fast rule as to when you should
disclose your illness to a romantic partner or date or whatnot. I think it's really up to you as to what you're comfortable with and it's going to maybe
vary from person to person that you're seeing too, not just person to person who's disclosing but also person to person
that you may be dating. - I think another aspect here
too is knowing that, you know, once you tell somebody, once
you disclose your illness, you know, obviously you,
I think you wanna hope that, that person is accepting. But if they're not, like
that's almost good news as well in terms of like, at least
you know where you stand and it's probably scary to do it. And it's probably scary
to not get, not scary, but upsetting to not get a
good like accepting response but at least you know and, you know, you wouldn't invest more, I think energy in that relationship when a person's not really
going to fully accept you for who you are. - Yeah, that's kind of
what I tell people too, is that maybe that's a reason why it's better to tell
people earlier than later because it can act as
kind of a litmus test as to how that person regards people who struggle with mental illness. And if they are not accepting
and not great about it then that's not really someone that you probably wanna be
dating in the first place. So it can kind of be a
weeding out mechanism too. Okay, so the second
question is what helped you to feel safe opening up
about your diagnosis? Good question. To do that, made me feel safe. - I didn't kiss you on the first day. (Lauren giggles) - He was very respectful,
yeah, very respectful. I don't know, I think we just
really connected instantly but the second date for sure. Yeah, I don't know if there's
anything you really did to make me feel safe. It was just kind of the
way our relationship was progressing and I felt like I could trust
you with that information. Do you have any tips for like
how someone else might be able to make someone feel safe disclosing? I think maybe, you know what actually, something that did help is
offering something of your own that is potentially vulnerable. So Rob was in the process of getting out of a previous relationship that
had a lot of things going on and he disclosed all of that to me. He disclosed that he had two kids and he disclosed a lot of
vulnerable things about his life. And I think that that probably helped me to be like, okay, I can be
more vulnerable with him too and share stuff too. So I think that was
actually quite helpful. - I think that, you know, you had taken me to get
cookies beforehand as well so that-- - Bribery. - So yeah, I'm holding the
cookie when this has happening. (both giggle) But I also think that you kinda, you know, it wasn't like this conversation
where you were just like, you just blurted it out,
like I have schizophrenia. Like, you know, it was like a... You approach it in terms of a way like where the person
knows that it's something that you're being vulnerable. Do you know what I mean? Like, it wasn't like
you aggressively told me that you had schizophrenia
or anything like that. It was, you know, it was kind of tentative and I knew that it was
something that was important. - Yeah, all right, so our third question. Has someone ever broken up
with you after finding out about your diagnosis? No, probably, well, kind of, yes. I was seeing someone when I-- - You should totally say their name now and just (laughs), that would be nice. - I really want to but I'm not going to. I was seeing someone
when I was hospitalized after moving back to Alberta
from Ontario in 2016. I think it was fall of 2016. That was kind of around
when I got the diagnosis too but I didn't tell him
that I got a diagnosis. I think he knew that I
struggled with my mental health because we were mutual friends
of one of my close friends but he didn't know the details of it. But when I was hospitalized, our relationship kind
of petered afterward. He kind of receded and more
and more distance happened until we just didn't talk
anymore or rarely talked. And so I don't think I got broken up with but I got the long break up. So yeah. And then the other people that
I dated between then and you, I didn't tell. So didn't have the chance
to break up with (laughs). - Because of that. (Lauren laughs) - But it happens and
again it's not a big deal. Again, it's kind of like a litmus test to see how this person is
going to be in a relationship with you when you were living with a chronic mental health issue. And four is how do you
share about your illness with your in-laws? - I'm trying to remember
like how I told my family and friends.
- You wrote an email. - I wrote an email? - Yeah. - Okay, I think as actually
not a bad thing to do, like in terms of giving people, like, you don't want people to like react the wrong way, right? So kind of giving people the like room to like have their own
reactions and it be private. I mean-- - Have time to process, - Yeah, like the thing
is that with respect to like our relationship, I don't need like my parents'
approval or anything like that and their opinion wasn't
really going to change anything so it really was kind of
like me putting it out there, like, you know, you should know this but I don't really care what you think. - Maybe more like telling
your ex and their partner. - Okay. - As in terms of in-laws, weird in-laws. But maybe is something that
mattered a little bit more in terms of telling
your side of the family. But I think you did an email for that too. - Right, yeah. - But they were wonderful,
they were so accepting. But the email to your
family brought up some fears and concerns. Do you remember that? - With my mom? - Your mom and your sister
both were kind of scared. - Yeah. - And then we had already been watching or we had already been
making our YouTube videos and so they went and looked at those and they got even more scared (laughs). Here's my whole story on the internet. But it really takes education, I think. So your mom and your
sister didn't know much or anything really about schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder. And so the more we were
able to share with them, the more they knew of me like personally, I think the more accepting
they became, yeah. Number five, how do you disclose about past suicide attempts? - I wonder, like, who
do you disclose that to? - Like to you. - Oh, to me. - Yeah. - Oh, okay, I'm trying
to remember that now too. Actually, I kind of do remember. It was pretty intense. - Yeah, I was crying in bed
looking at you (giggles). - I think you were really worried. - I was terrified. Like, you know, I think a lot of times we get a lot of questions about how and when do
you tell your partner about your diagnosis but there's a lot of
history to that diagnosis that you also need to divulge. - How many episodes have you had? And like what has happened
and hospitalizations and all that kind of stuff. Like there's a lot to unpack in terms of like, understanding
somebody's history with mental illness and
obviously suicide attempts. - Yeah, I don't really
remember much beyond-- - Just crying in bed. - Just crying in bed. Do you? - I don't remember a lot either, yeah. I mean, I think that I
was glad that, you know, that you were still here and felt sad that you went through that experience at had that period in your life. So it was difficult for
me to hear but, you know, but it wasn't like I didn't
have like judgment about you, about it or anything like that, you know. - And I was worried about
judgment and I was worried about, I don't know what I was worried about but it's very hard thing to divulge. So I don't know, tips for how to do that. Make sure you don't spring it on them. Make sure you guys have time
to kind of process it together and talk about it if need be. - I do think that it's
a good thing to disclose to your partner, you know, and, you know, just
thinking about this now, there's probably like,
there's probably room to initially disclose your diagnosis and then say something along the lines of like, you know, there's
kind of a lot to unpack and, you know, there's more
that I wanna share with you but it's gonna take some time for us to like kind of reach that comfort level so that they understand that
there's kind of more to it and you're not trying to hide it but that it is a sensitive thing. And so I think there's a way
to kind of like build that up. - Yeah, open the door and then whenever you're
comfortable work it in, yeah. Okay, number six, how
do you support a partner through hallucinations,
psychosis and intense depression? - I feel like, you know,
since having the baby you've been so stable. And this kind of happens
where you like almost forget like what it was like when your partner is going through a
difficult time, you know. But the difficult times are
a lot more difficult, I think than you would expect. You know, something that
I kind of like really need when you're not having a great time, when you're struggling is
communication, you know, about how you're feeling and what you need and that kind of thing. And it's kind of exactly that
time when you're struggling when you're not able to like
communicate well with me. And so, you know, it kind
of creates this situation where I just feel like
I know you're struggling but I also don't know like what I can do and what you need and
what you want and so-- - In that regard, I find it helpful when you kind of facilitate
communication for me. So when you kind of not
treat me like a kid, like don't do that. - Just like make suggestions. - But yeah, like for me kind
of multiple choice questions or yes or no questions that just kind of break down communication to make it a little bit more
accessible and easy for me when I'm struggling 'cause
it is definitely something that I very much struggle with and I think that's something
that a lot of people struggle when they're having a hard time. - Yeah, I was gonna say like, it's taken a while to kind of figure out the way to approach it
but it's definitely now like try to suggest
some coping strategies, like going and having a shower
or going for a walk or run or like, you know,
getting out of the house. - I think it's very important
to have a conversation about what your aims are in that regard. Because when he first started
doing that, I took it as like, this idiot thinks that
I can go shower it off or I can go walk it off or like... And I get so mad at him
and just like closed down and not do anything. So I think like getting on the same page in terms of like figuring out together, maybe what are some ways that
are helpful for you to cope and then suggest those things instead of like the typical
mental health bandaid offerings of go take a bubble bath,
go paint your nails. Like, oh, so that's how I
interpreted it at first. So maybe have a conversation
to get on the same page before you do that kind of stuff. - You know she's really salty about this but the truth is that like, if you can get her out of
bed and like into the shower and through a shower, like,
I want to say like 50, 50, or usually like, oh yeah,
that was really good. That's what I needed. It helps. - Which is not bad, you know. - But you need to get on the same page about what you're trying to accomplish. - Yeah, like we've had some arguments about coping strategies specifically. - Can you tell (laughs)? - What else do you do
that helps me through? - You know, I think us going to therapy when you're struggling is
also something that's helpful for kind of especially
like having somebody who can kind of... 'Cause like when you're struggling, I just feel like we're a lot more prone to relationship conflict and then it becomes this
like intermingled mess. And so like therapy in those
situations is helpful for us, helping us sort things out and
communicate with each other and that kind of thing. - Yeah, I mean, I think that communication is something that quite
frequently breaks down when one or both partners are
experiencing intense symptoms and so therapy can
definitely help with that. Apart from that, when I'm
experiencing hallucinations, delusions, paranoia or intense
depression or what not, you are really good
about checking in with me and reality checking if I need to. I don't often do that but
I appreciate that you offer and just kind of, you know, checking in and asking what I need
and offering suggestions, like, do you need to go rest or why don't you go rest? Or, you know, whatever it may be. Also distractions helped
me a lot, I think. - We play a lot of board games. - We play a lot of board games. And sometimes I just sit
there and cry a little and sometimes not (laughs). Distractions are good for me and maybe they're good for you too. Hey, number seven is how do you know when it's time to intervene when your partner is showing symptoms? - It hasn't gone well in the past in terms of like intervening. And so we've kind of talked about this in terms of like how we would
approach things in the future in terms of like calling
for additional support, like friends to come in and help us. It's really tough because, you know, when things are not good and I'm feeling like we
need support, you know, and I have made that
suggestion in the past, you felt really threatened about it. And so even though we have
this like kind of set up, it's still this kind of
tricky situation of like, I don't wanna like upset you, you know? And you feel like I'm
blackmailing you, you know. - I think I'm very private
when I'm struggling. Say, I don't know why but I do know why, 'cause it's embarrassing and it's hard and it's not something
that you want the people in your life to see and to
witness and to know about you that you have times like this. And so when Rob is saying, oh, let's call for support, it feels like he's punishing me sometimes by like bringing my best friend, bringing our co-parents, bringing the people
that we've talked about, bringing into the situation to see me in a very compromised state. It's very, very hard. So, you know, we're
still trying to iron out what exactly happens. I think the last time that
I was really struggling, I was more open and having
conversations with you about going to the hospital and trying to like figure
out what to do together. I think that that's a
really important thing is to whatever you do just try, at least try to be as collaborative with the person who's
struggling as possible. - I agree. - So like signs of when
you need to intervene. (Rob exhales deeply) - I think this would involve
like eminent danger to yourself or to others. That's kind of, I think
that's kind of the big-- - Yeah, or I'm communicating
that I am struggling and need additional help which
I'm learning how to do more. If someone is more early
on in their journey with mental health, they may not be as
forthcoming with needing help. That is something that
has taken me a long time to learn how to admit and to ask for and I'm still not good at it. So, you know, trying to check in and trying to get a feel
for where the person is at. - So just reflecting on
kind of when things reach that kind of boiling point where you might be a danger to yourself and you might be danger to others. I think that's kind of too far in terms of when you would just call like a friend for support. When it gets to that point, that's kind of when
you would call like 911 or the police or that kind of thing. So it's, you know, hopefully we're calling like for like friends support
a lot sooner than that. And usually I would say, you know, it's easier to tell when you're struggling because it's not something
that just happens immediately. You know, it kind of is something that you kind of slowly fall into and you'll have like a few days or a week where you're like struggling and then it kind of like builds up. So you kind of have an idea that something is coming. - That kind of also makes it
a little bit harder though because it's like a slow build and so it's hard to kind of
figure out where the line is in terms of needing to
get additional support. And so I don't know the
advice that I would give is to just kind of trust your
gut, trust your instinct. If you have a feeling that your loved one requires more intervention,
requires more support then do it, offer it to them. Don't, you know, dictate to
them and take away the rights and tell them exactly what's gonna happen. But, you know, offer support,
offer potential interventions. - It's tough because they're gonna resist. You know, like it's just,
I feel like it's something that just kind of comes along with it. And I know that we've heard from a lot of like in the comments of videos, like the difficulty that people have trying to like just support
and help someone, you know. So there isn't a great answer here. I feel like it's hard. I mean, ideally it would
be like everybody wants to get support when they need support but that's just not the way that it is. - Yeah, so, I mean, I
guess conclusion here is that offer support whenever
you feel it's necessary. They may not accept it and that's fine, you can't make them accept it. The only time that you
can really intervene and like get them help now
even if they're refusing is when they're a danger
to themselves or to others. Hey, number eight is how do
you open up to your partner without making them feel
uncomfortable or worried? It's very hard (giggles). I'm very cognizant of opening up to you about difficult things and being worried that it is going to make you
worried or on edge around me or doubting my capacities
especially since we have kids. - I would think that you would
have felt that earlier on in our relationship and that there's like, there's much more of a
level of comfort now. - There is, but it's still
really hard, you know, like admitting that something is happening that I don't have control over and that is making me not able to function at a level I would want is very hard. I still find it a very
vulnerable thing sharing when I'm struggling and when
I'm experiencing symptoms. And so I definitely have it in my head that I am going to worry him
or I am going to not be judged. That's never really an issue
with you but it's hard. So I don't know. Do you have any suggestions
for how I should share with you in a way that wouldn't
make you uncomfortable or? - I think it's just kind
of a matter of practice. Like I know that and just
going through, you know, like we've been through the trauma of various incidences together, you know, so that, like I just feel
like you are more comfortable about that stuff and talking
to me about that stuff now and I don't wanna say that
doesn't require vulnerability 'cause obviously it does but probably it's not like it's this, like we need to stop
everything and talk about it. And I'm, you know, you're worried about how I'm gonna react
or anything like that. - So maybe that's a good tip
is just trying to be as open as possible as frequently as possible so that they kind of know what
is more regular occurrence for you, what they should
be more concerned about, what they should help you with. You know, like the more
open that I become with you, the easier it's been to be like, okay, what do we need to do? Do we need to do anything? Yes, no. How do we proceed? So, yeah, frequent
vulnerability (giggles). How do you not take your
partner's episode personally? - Honestly, very difficult. Like I would say that I
still take it personally when you're struggling. It's hard to separate things sometimes and you would think that
it would just be like, okay, like I know that she
is struggling with something and doesn't have to do with me and I think we're trending
in that direction. But, you know, sometimes,
especially in the beginning, I felt like you were
just mad at me, you know. And so yeah, I feel like it caused a lot of relationship conflict. And like it's something
that I'm ashamed to say, like I wish that, like it's something that
you know is happening that you shouldn't take personally but it's almost impossible not to take it personally
sometimes, you know. - I think there's a lot of layers to how you could easily take it personally whether it's, you know, like mental health
symptoms come out directly in your behavior and how
you interact with people and your effect and whatnot which is very easily to take personally. I've done it with you
when you're struggling. And also then like your
life is being altered kind of negatively, you know, and so it's easy to take
that personally too. I would imagine where it's kind of like, oh, they're bringing our life down. You know, that's a really
harsh way to say it. But do you know what I mean? Is that ever? - Little bit, I get
that it is quite layered maybe understanding that you
might take it personally. So kind of giving yourself
more room, therapy, like talking to a therapist
who can help you be like, yeah, you don't need
to take this personally or here's how you can better support her, that kind of thing. - It was very hard for me too
when you took it personally. Like it felt like I was
like needing support and showing you how I needed support even though maybe I wasn't and being met with like anger
at me for being angry at you. - Well, you know, I think the
like taking it personally part is like me wanting to support you and wanting to communicate with you but you not being able to communicate and it feels like you're pushing
the support away, you know. And so that's where
there's the like it's hard to not take it personally element. Yeah, so getting comfortable
with rejection maybe. (Lauren laughs) - I don't reject you. Okay, anyway. Number 10 is how do you
encourage your partner to seek their own support
while they care for you and your mental illness? Yeah, that's definitely something that's been on my mind a lot especially when I'm struggling, I always encourage you to make your own therapy appointments, keep seeing your therapist. I try to get you to, you know,
make dates with your friends and stuff and keep physically
active and eating well but it's hard, you know,
it's when I'm struggling-- - With your own motivation and stuff. - Yeah, how do you think you do in terms of taking care of yourself when you're taking care of me? - I think I shift to like
maladaptive coping strategies, you know, like comfort eating and like looking at Google News a lot and like I'm on my phone a lot. And like I just kind of I'm distracted, I feel like not good coping strategies. Good coping strategies or
like getting more sleep and exercising and like eating healthy. Yeah, but it's hard. I think that it's hard to like-- - It's stressful. And so stress, you look
for coping strategies and often the easiest and most appealing are maladaptive strategies. - So just starting to recognize those more and trying to like shift
towards healthier things. - Number 11 is what do
healthy boundaries look like when caring for someone? What are healthy boundaries with considering my
partner's mental health? - You know, the first
thing that comes to mind, I think for me, like with
respect to healthy boundaries is knowing that like if you're struggling, I can't take that away, I can't fix it and not trying to like
kind of force you out of the situation. Like understanding that
like this is something that you are struggling with and that I wanna try to
support you but I can't. How do I say this? I feel like I got way
off track on that one. - No, I think I understand like, you know, Rob has been struggling more recently with his mental health too and I really get pulled into
trying to pull you out of it and really concerting all of my energy into trying to pull Rob out of depression. And, you know, I've spoken
profusely with my therapist about how that is not helpful. You know, I'm just exerting all my energy into something I can't actually do. You know, I can't pull
you out of depression. I can help you and whatnot but I can't literally pull you out just like you can't pull me
out of a psychotic episode or depression or mania or whatever. You can't do that for your partner. Everyone wishes they could but it's just not
something that can be done. And so understanding
where to draw boundaries in terms of what your
role in supporting them can actually feasibly be. - I think also being able to communicate like what your capacity is and like trying to navigate, like asking for what you need as well, that's kind of an important thing to just, I don't know if you
would call it a boundary but more of a just like
having communication between each other
about what you both need and trying to figure out how
do you support each other. - Totally, communication is
something that's gonna come up pretty much with every question because it's so, so important. Like when I'm struggling, I'm very concerned about
putting Rob out, you know, like draining his energy and
his resources and whatnot. And so oftentimes I won't
ask for the support I need and it'll drain him in other ways because, you know, I'm
struggling in other ways and that's problematic. So it's really helpful when he comes to me and says, this is my capacity. This is what I can do to support you. This is what I can't do right now. And that kind of gives
me a frame of reference, like, okay, here's how I can lean on him without draining all of his reserves. And here's how we can work together to kind of get through this. That's really helpful for me. - This feels like therapy. - Number 12, can the stress
of romantic relationships bring on symptoms? Yes. (both laugh) Do we need to elaborate on that one? - Maybe only like something
that I was thinking about was just that I feel like our relationship has been a lot more stable. You know, I don't know if it's
because we just had a baby and we've gone through that experience. We just got married. We've gone to therapy a lot. I don't know. But I think that like starting
a relationship is stressful. Like whether or not even if
you don't have, you know, a chronic mental illness it's-- - Figuring out how to fit
into each other's lives is stressful. - Yeah, totally. Like, you know, you're
changing your life for someone, both of you, in terms of how
you accommodate a new person in your life and that's
a stressful experience. It takes a while to kind of get
used to each other and yeah. - So I suppose that's a good elaboration that like the first two
years of our relationship, there was so much change
and adapt adaptation on, you know, on both our ends. But for me like I became a mom to two kids who I wasn't a mom to before. I moved in with you. We got married. I completely changed my career path. It was like a lot of things happen. And I think that's
important to acknowledge that any kind of stress
is a trigger for symptoms. Any time I've been stressed in life, I've definitely had a
flare up of symptoms. And so, yeah, going through
all those stressful things of working out how to
make our relationship work and how to fit into each other's
lives was quite stressful. And so yeah, I was more symptomatic but now we're just perfectly
smooth sailing and rainbows and butterflies and
nothing can cause problem. - Yeah, we fired her therapist. (both giggle) - Number 13 is how do
you tell the difference between your mental illness
and your own thoughts in a relationship. I'm gonna kind of interpret this one as like kind of the issue
that we already brought up around relationship conflict and mental illness symptoms
kind of getting intertangled. And so not only is it hard for me to tell what is maybe like diluted thought or what is my depressed
mind or my manic mind or what is thought distortion and what is like what I'm really thinking and feeling about the dynamics of our relationship and whatnot. And that's very hard to
like navigate and pull apart when you're struggling. And then I know that
that's also hard for you to kind of decipher when
I'm exhibiting symptoms of my mental illness and when we're having legitimate conflict. It's hard when you're struggling. - It is hard. I almost feel like what makes it difficult is when you have a prolonged
period of you struggling and relationship conflict and it's just like, you know,
weeks are kind of on off like months. When things are good then it's easier when I think like mental
health struggles come along, it's a little bit easier to be like, okay, I am identifying,
this is not related to our relationship. - Or even conflict,
when conflict comes up, it's a little bit easier to deal with because we know what it is,
we know how to deal with it instead of like symptoms-- - When they both come up-- - Intertangling and stuff.
- Gets really messy. What was the question? I feel like the answer is therapy. (Lauren laughs) - How do you tell the difference between your mental illness
and your own thought-- - A therapist will tell you. - I don't know, therapy (laughs). Number 14, if both of you
have mental health diagnoses and are both struggling at the same time, how best do you deal with this? - So I've been struggling
with my mental health over the past, I guess I wanna
say like six months or so. - Oh, I was gonna say a year. - Like a year. I think that it's kind of related to like COVID pandemic. Kids are home a lot more and homeschooling and sleeping a lot less because Lauren snored
a lot during pregnancy and 'cause of the new baby
like getting up, you know, a few times a night. So sleep has been disrupted
for quite a long time. And, you know, I hit kind
of just like a weeks, month of just feeling
really low, like every day, like kind of just being
close to like weeping. I haven't talked about this
with really anybody yet besides like therapist and doctor. And so I started like antidepressants. And so I guess, like we're both facing mental health challenges right now. In relation to the question though, like how do we support each other when both people have like a diagnosis? - Well, if both people are
struggling at the same time, so I think we've kind of lucked out in terms of like when
you started struggling, I kind of got more stable and so I think I was better
equipped to support you and, you know, you were
better equipped to support me when you were well and I was unwell so-- - So we haven't faced that. - It's just luck (laughs) - We haven't faced that. Okay, well have to do an
update on this I guess. - If we're ever both struggling, we'll make a video about it. (Rob giggles) That would be hard though. I'm sorry if you're in that situation where you and your partner are going through difficult times. - I feel like it's the sort
of thing where communication and empathy and compassion and-- - It might be a nice opportunity to like muster motivation for yourself. So if you know, if you're in a low and you're concerned about your partner who is also in a low, coming
up with ways to help them. So let's go be physically active, let's go make a healthy meal and then you have to
do that too with them. So that might be a nice
way to kind of both-- - You've dragged me on some errands. - Yeah, and I needed
it just as much as you. - Yeah, and board games. - Board games. Yeah, psychosis, if you're
both going through psychosis that might be tricky. You might eat some more support. Number 15, how do you navigate
paranoia around your partner? - So something funny has
come up a couple of times and it's Lauren feeling paranoid that I don't, it's not
that I don't love her it's that I don't like you. (Lauren laughs) It's like I don't like you and you get all like worried. Yeah, and then just have to reassure her that no, I adore you. I love you very much. - It doesn't help. - It doesn't help. - It doesn't help (giggles). I still think he doesn't like me. I know he loves me but I don't think he
like for me all the time. - Right (giggles). So there's just nothing that
helps with that paranoia. - I mean, I suppose it's better for you to just lay the love on me than it would be for you to
be like, okay, and walk over. - Yeah, I see why that's a problem. (both laugh) - Paranoia is hard because, you know, I think
the more you acknowledge it even if you're trying to
like reassure the person, the more real and big it becomes. - You've had paranoia around thinking that I could read your mind and stuff. - For sure. And then we were in conflict more often and I realized that's not
something that you can do. (Lauren laughs) - Oh, because we wouldn't be in conflict if I could read your mind. Like if only he knew then. Oh, so I kind of proved it. - Yeah, I guess. - Okay. - Now I'm kind of spiraling into like, oh, he planned it all
and he can read my mind. (both laugh) Anyway, next question. - But, you know, what about answering this from the perspective of people who may be dealing with a partner who's having less gentle paranoia. I'm just trying to
think of like situations that might have happened around that. I think what we've talked, what we've read and what we've
talked to other people about is kind of like acknowledging the emotion around the paranoia. Like I understand that you're scared but not really acknowledging or we're kind of playing
into getting too wrapped into the other person's paranoia and trying to pull them out that way. Like being like, I
understand you're scared, like can we keep doing this? - 'Cause like I said, the more
you acknowledge the delusion or the paranoia or whatever, the more in mashed in reality
it becomes for the person. A common like paranoid
thinking that happens for me is like helicopters
overhead looking for me or police following us
or people following us. And you in the past have done a good job of being like, well, I I
don't see or hear anything but that's probably scary or, you know, like yeah,
definitely focusing on the emotion that the person is feeling because their paranoia
is very real to them. And so saying like, you seem really scared or I understand why that
would be really scary and then suggesting,
like, can we keep doing whatever we're doing with
that still being the case or, you know-- - Looking for destruction. - Can we accept that and
still move on and yeah. Number 16, how does Rob feel
about you having schizophrenia? - It's a big question, you know. Like do I wish you didn't
have schizophrenia? 'Cause we've kind of talked
about that aspect, right? - I'm sorry, I'm stuck on
you not liking me still. (both laugh) - Baby I love you, I love you. (both laugh) It was really intriguing. - How do you feel about
me having schizophrenia. - I guess I just don't know what our relationship would be like without you having schizophrenia. And maybe that sounds really weird. It's not like it plays
like an integral role in our relationship but I
feel like it's something that we have, like, you know, our relationship has adopted
around and accommodated and, you know, we've learned how to like
manage and navigate together. And, you know, I think we're
doing a good job with it. I mean, I know that you
wish you didn't have it. And so, I mean, I guess in that respect, I wish you didn't have it either. But I feel like it's something that doesn't really get in
the way of our relationship and doesn't define our relationship and-- - I mean that last
statement isn't totally, accurately depicting our experience. Like I had that episode in October 2019 where I was in the hospital
and shortly after that, you wanted to postpone our wedding. You know, so like it's
nothing to shrug off, it has-- - You know, that was a lot
about kind of reaching a place of stability. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. But still like there
was instability largely because of my illness. So it's hard, like, yes, I do agree that we're doing a good job of managing it and, you know, I know you love me for me not in spite of my, I
don't know, whatever. - I know you love me regardless of if I have
schizophrenia or not. But it definitely has, you know, played a more challenging role in the development of our relationship. - Yeah, I guess I just
wonder like, you know, I think most relationships face challenges and was this like our challenge. - Okay, and the last one, number 17. How do you get over the feeling of feeling like no one will love you due to your mental illness? (Lauren exhales deeply) Yeah, so when I first
started having difficulties with my mental health, I was in a very, very
long-term relationship. And when things really came to a head with my mental health and
I was given the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, shortly before then
that relationship ended not because of my mental
health or anything, it just, we decided, we mutually agreed to end the relationship and so for multiple reasons. But anyway, for a long time,
I think until I met you and even a little bit after I met you, I was almost paralyzed with the fear of feeling like no one would ever love me because I have schizoaffective disorder and life with it is complicated
and life with it as hard. And I felt like, I think I felt like I couldn't
be an adequate partner for anyone in the typical
sense of the word. So like what you see in movies and stuff in terms of a partnership where people keep up with daily life and people both work full-time jobs and people help with raising kids and people, I think the big one is just people keep their
lives together, you know. And I felt like I can't do that. So how is anyone going to want
to spend their life with me? And how is anyone going
to be able to love me if I can't be the kind of partner that I want to be for them. And I'm going through all these struggles and whatnot and
difficulties and differences from other people. And so that was something
that I struggled with quite intensely for a long time and especially since online
dating is what happens now and online dating is soul destroying. And so it was even amplified beyond that where I was meeting people who I knew wouldn't
accept the difficulties that I face in life but then they met you. And, you know, even still,
I've gone through periods where I felt that I am
unlovable because of my illness. And I have felt that I'm not
a good enough partner to you because of my illness and there's a lot of guilt and shame and gross stuff wrapped up within that. But I just kind of wanna communicate that like everyone is different,
every relationship is different. Just because you experienced
more challenges in some realms does not make you unlovable
and does not make you unworthy of forming a meaningful
partnership with someone. - I think that everybody is lovable and has something to
offer in a relationship and can be in a relationship and it being a meaningful,
loving relationship. You know, I think there's challenges and kind of adventure built up in trying to navigate life together and figure out how you can
figure out the challenges that kind of come your way together. And so, you know, you can't get caught up, I think on the idea that you
need to be a perfect person in order to have somebody love you because the reality is
that none of us are perfect and that's okay and that,
yeah, you can still have like a loving, meaningful
relationship with someone and you still have a
lot to offer somebody. (Lauren giggles) Is that it? - Yeah. - Okay that was long. - That was long but I
think it was valuable. - Yeah? - Yeah, you don't think so? (Rob laughs) - Those are hard questions. Like there was some tough ones in there. - There are good. - I should have read them first. (both giggle) - You read them first (giggles). - Okay, wrap it up. - Yeah sure. - Do you want to wrap it up? - So what more is there
to say on relationships? I think we covered everything, right? - Is this your wrap up? - Yeah. (Lauren laughs) You know, we talked about this earlier and relationships are such a big topic and I feel like answering a few questions, well, I think there was like 17, we should have broken it up. Answering a bunch of questions, you probably still don't
have like the best idea of what's, you know, our
relationship is like. You have maybe a better idea. Our relationship isn't gonna
be like everyone else's relationship who, you know, has a partner or partners or with
chronic mental illness. But maybe this was useful in some way. We will do other videos, I think, where we talk more specifically about like what's marriage
like that kind of thing-- - Our relationship specifically. - Yeah, if you guys liked this. If you don't can just
thumbs down and we'll-- - Please don't, anyway-- - That's why you wrap these up, okay. - Anyway, I hope I found
this helpful in some way. If you wanna see more videos from us, make sure to subscribe to our channel and also if you'd like to
help support the creation of videos like this one, please make sure to check out
the link to our Patreon page. Thank you so much again for watching and as always wishing you and
your loved ones good health. See you in the next video. Bye. - Bye. (both kiss)
