Reclaiming Her Life: Atara Lasky's Inspiring Tale of Battling Her eating Disorder

the brain that starved isn't able to have this kind of rational discussion and realize that it it's killing itself and therefore the primary need is to recover the the weight and get back to that certain Waypoint and and since you don't have a willing participant because you can't the brain is completely hijacked the idea is that the child will under the direction of the family um be guided towards getting this you know all of that weight gain back which is a very very challenging essentially meant that my husband and I sat for hours and hours on end for every single meal with Atara which is very hard to imagine for them it's like hard to like be dealing with that but like for me it's like it's like asking someone to like drink poison and that's what it felt like every second I had to eat like I remember like the beginning when like I have this like memory of like my dad you had like a bowl of like Entenmann's donuts and like like the pop-up thingies and like most people I think would like love me for like eat enderman's donuts like you like brought them down and you were like okay like here's your like you know like nighttime snack whatever and I was like I was like and I were like I was screaming and like running away like it felt like poison like I was like I cannot put that in my body like I feel like I couldn't like I was like how are you making me eat that like that that's how like severe it felt Hello everybody welcome back to another episode of the meaningful people podcast uh thank you thank you thank you for coming back for another week another episode just a quick trigger warning for this episode uh this might be a sensitive topic for you we discuss eating disorder and other you know mental health related topics in this episode but specifically Eating Disorders so just wanted to put that out there we sat down with the taralaski and her parents that Neil and Connie Hermann incredible people you'll hear all about it in this episode I really do think and believe that this episode will help many many people around the world so hit that share button and share this episode with a friend a big thank you to our friends at Albert and Associates for sponsoring this episode of the meaningful people podcast you know what Moshe can answer the tough questions for you hey you know what should I be supporting my children right now like my financial status I know you want to but can you are you able to uh should I be taking out another mortgage uh should I be uh buying that apartment in Israel these are questions that you might have and you may not know the answer to and that's why you need to call Moshe Albert or send them an email Moshe studied economics in college and university but he also knows the Jewish economics which is super important for you so that's why you reach out to motion Albert send them an email at albertmosha gmail.com that is albertmosha gmail.com or give them a call today at 718-644-1594-718-644-1594 I also want to give a big thank you to our friends at Tora masura you know they're running this amazing new campaign called Chari hamailis you have Arabia in your life maybe it was when you're younger maybe now maybe you will be in a couple years who knows but do you have a story an anecdote something that when you think about that rebbe ah that was a beautiful beautiful story well they want to hear that story they're Gathering these stories the rich qualities the beautiful stories about whoever it is in your life reach out to tourism and tell them your story now how can you do that you can do it really simply by calling in the number 718-766-4554 and record your story you can email Shari hamailis at targetmaster.org where you can head to the website sharihemailis.com all that information those links will be in the description this episode I know myself I have amazing amazing Urbane in my life whether it's probably pickles Weinberger about your own Harbor towel I bring up a drink of uh that's how so many remain in my life who I've Loved love love I have so many stories about and those stories I'll be submitting to Terry masora and you should do the same I also would like to say that this episode has been sponsored by Anonymous her grandmother for all the singles to find there by shirt now enjoy this episode thank you you are listening to the meaningful people podcast the podcast featuring our nation's most impactful influential and meaningful people so happy to be joined by Mrs Herman Daniel Hermann Atara Lasky thank you for joining us for this important conversation really really appreciate it um I think months years days after this is air I think uh you guys are gonna be known as Trailblazers and what you're doing and bringing a lot of awareness to this topic um I think you know the best way to get this conversation started to get this story started is you know obviously to start from its Inception to start from the beginning um so Tara if you if you may you could just uh speak to us tell us about your story sure um so we're from Teaneck New Jersey um and everything I have a great family I love loved everything um so nothing had to do anything with my family or anything that happened later um but just like normal like Middle School anxiety and like insecurity like I think every middle school girl feels like very anxious and like of how she looks and like how people think of her yeah um so it's kind of like very normal um and there was obviously a Breaking Point um and that was I was I always felt like it just like looked fat even like I wasn't um but I just thought I did um and I went to a camp I'm not gonna say the camp because this is not it's a little shinhara the the I went to camp and I felt very insecure and the first part that was like the unwinding was that I was with a bunch of girls in my bunk and they were they used like they would use the word like anorexic as like a synonym for like skinny and that was the first time I ever heard that word before and they were talking about that one of her friends who like just was anorexic and she was so skinny and she lost tons of weight and like she looked so good and I was like oh I want to be like that like that sounds cool but I know what that actually meant and then I went to the nurse in Camp to get Advil one day because I was having stomach issues or whatever and I just wanted Advil and she asked for my height and weight so she knew how much to give me so I told her and she said to me that's overweight for your height and age and in front of like the whole line of people behind me like staff like kids like it was like embarrassing Beyond and like I was like oh I guess it's true like I guess I am fine by the way I don't know why she said that because I wasn't even fat right um but like one person can tell you that and you'll believe it um so I was like I guess like I was right like I am fat so that was like a starting point of okay I'm gonna you know eat less I'm gonna work out more whatever and I start it started out on Camp um I came home and I lost a bunch of weight and I was like okay right it worked um and I thought I could stop and once it started it can't stop um and it really just kept spiraling um I wanted to tell my parents a few times I remember there's like two times where I wanted to tell because one time I remember I wanted to tell you in the kitchen and like I got then I got scared and then I one time I wanted to tell you but like the eating disorder like doesn't let you because it's it's an addiction so it's like no if you tell them like you have to let go of this and like you don't want to let go of this you have control like you want you need to keep going so it would like stop me from saying something even like I knew it was a it was going badly like I didn't want to like let go of it at the same time um and then it just got to the point where like it went for a while until my parents caught on a little bit um and then yeah so I guess I want to say bullying but the wrong the wrong things were said to you and the wrong idea was was painted to you it was already like in my head a little bit like it was like confirming what I already thought about myself but I was just talking to someone today and they said like that someone said to their to their daughter um like oh like like you're like they told her she was heavier than like someone else and like in middle school and like that like already is like that's gonna affect her and like she and like it's like people can say these things and they're not even true it's girl's not heavy um but when you say these things it really can like make someone think it is true and then it sets off and it's a spiral right so as parents you know um first of all I'm just curious over how long of a period of time was this taking place so I felt this way throughout middle school and then the breaking point was right before eighth grade and then eighth grade was like the really the bad point and it's never gone away since then but it's like maintaining so at what point um did your you know parents catch on and then you just I guess start going towards recovery you guys can see that okay then now you want me to go first yeah go ahead first of all I'm not Mrs Herman I'm honey Mrs Herman's my mom and thank you for having us we're really appreciative that you decided to hear our story and share it of course thank you for your bravery all three of you for the the courage to to come here and to to own the story and to share your experience and really the strength and hope for everyone that might be battling this and I would speculate that the vast majority of of people that do go through this are doing it certainly for some period of time without support and doing it in you know in the dark and behind closed doors without knowing what the solution is and where to go with it so the fact that you are being brave enough to come here and to share your story and to shed the light of the recovery that you availed yourself of like ashracha really amazing what you're what you're doing thank you and we uh we're taking a Towers lead um this is really her story we're like What do we calling like the best supporting actors you know like on the side her cheerleader but really this is really atara's idea to do this and we support it and we certainly have a parent perspective um that you know hopefully like you said hopefully we'll be able to resonate with others even if they're not dealing with the specific issue but also if they are to know that you're not alone in fact one of the things that my husband and I were talking about as we were driving here was is like if seven years ago we heard somebody an average Teaneck family or a Five Towns family that was just similar to us if we had heard them talking about it it would have it doesn't it doesn't make the situation easier but it does give a little crazy to know that oh it's not it's not just us that's suffering yeah if I could just add to that uh to what you said appreciate you know you having us on here so that we can share a tower of story and one thing that I think really kind of at least for me benefits maybe for both of you as well the real goddess of those really dark times seven eight years ago was I think that one day we'd be sitting in a place like this and be able to help others yeah it's really remarkable that's you know the purpose of of having this conversation I I remember you know speaking to you guys and of course we'll we'll get into it and we'll we'll have this conversation but just try to interject us for a moment sorry nothing I noticed that you began emoting there for a moment what's coming up for you as you share um it's been a uh been very emotional Journey these seven eight years um you know some very difficult times there and we'll talk more about it of course and and like I said you know thinking about how we could help others we really helped us get through this and um you know in many ways strengthened our connection to each other and as well as to uh Ramona as well I do want to answer sure your question about like what was going on for her and how we sort of like what how it kind of came to us um so Atara was definitely struggling but if I was our oldest so new parents what are you what do new parents really know like um it's funny because you're the oldest in your family and I'm the youngest in my family sorry like um but you know like normal teenage stuff correct that's right exactly attire like I had Middle School daughter who's seems to be struggling just like the average uh teen you know pre-teen teenage daughter you know like self-esteem and like typical stuff um we definitely noticed um maybe I wouldn't even call it anxiety at the time I would say more like you just seen more down you know shuffely see more down but and Moody but it didn't I didn't connect it to to food and eating um so there were probably a number of things that led up to someone like really giving us a wake-up call um but I I do specifically remember that we had a family gathering at the pizza store and see uh we had a family um get together with grandparents at the local pizza store with cousins yeah I remember and um everybody's eating pizza and after that Gathering my sister-in-law who I'm very close with also lives in Teaneck um called me up and said I need to speak to you and I was like what's wrong and she's like something's wrong something's really wrong like you have I think attire needs help I said nobody wants to get that call you're like you know what it was good like what do you mean something's wrong um and she said I I watched Atara at the pizza store and I could I could actually see her like agonizing over eating I don't know it was the first place or the seconds oh you needed it at all and she noticed it you know and sometimes it does take an outsider or an Insider like a family member she she came up she said to me I remember this she was like oh why aren't you eating pizza and I was like oh I'm not I don't like going on the moon like she was like so what are you gonna have for dinner and I was like and like I generally meant this I was like yeah I'm gonna have like a sweet potato for dinner that's what I and she was like that's not dinner I'm like why is that dinner it's so healthy like what do you mean like I can tell you all about why sweet potatoes are so healthy I was like stuck in that like eating healthy only vegetables whatever so she was like no it's not and I was like I don't know what you're talking about and she obviously she saw something like she clearly she saw you agonizing you didn't know that you're that that call was made no I did not it's probably it's it's first of all prophecy you for being able to receive that call and then I imagine sort of acting on it many people and it could be you yourself were taken back insulted like it was a sister-in-law right my sister-in-law calling me and telling me that something's wrong with my kid right so hard so I guess you know you heard that from her and what was what did you do what did you do from there so from there we again we didn't know what this was um this was not named and so we went to a nutritionist somebody referred us to a nutritionist yeah um and you we went together right daddy wasn't there right okay so we went to the nutritionist nutrition to spend some time with us together and alone with you and then came back and said I don't think this is a nutrition issue I think this is an eating disorder and I'd like to refer you to um a specialist she said that to you or both of you did she say it to you she normally said it to me she didn't say it to me okay so she said it to me privately um and so we then looks for referrals and which led us to a really amazing therapist we like to give her a shout out on the air I think so much thank you um Dr Rebecca hartzark um has a private practice and her um one of her focuses is eating disorders and she when we went to the nutritionist I was like confused why you were bringing me there because I was like this is not a nutritionist I knew it wasn't I was like okay like maybe like I remember after we left like you thought it was because like you didn't know it wasn't eating disorder like I was able to eat like my healthy foods like you weren't making me like have like right anything I was like okay great like I'm glad he went to nutritious not a therapist and then by my room we sat with a nutritionist she like I felt really called out because she said to me she's like she was like oh like have you been feeling like physically and she's like she's like everything's blurry to you right now right and I was like no because like when you're when you're like starving yourself like your vision's blurry so like for all those months like I couldn't really see so well like I couldn't see the board in school so I don't know how I pass out maybe like they felt bad for me and that's when they left me because I couldn't see the board I really couldn't see the board um I couldn't take tests like I couldn't see it um so when she said that I was like how does she know that like I can't see much I think Christina was a nutrient malnutrition like it does that but I remember feeling really cold out I want to zero in on a similar Dynamic but I would speculate that you experienced it very differently yeah so so you just shared what your life looked like literally while still in the problem yeah the blurred vision the starvation and I want to invite you to to unpack the nature of that condition for anyone that might be able to identify with it I also want to invite your parents to share something that to unpack what what you shared as that initial encounter with an objective party who cares about you compassionately and is you know trying to open your eyes to something that you might not be seeing but that like grappling with where do we go from here and just to be open to reach out to that therapist and with the hindsight of with the luxury of hindsight you're saying how this particular therapist saved your life in this and this situation but I imagine it it took a minute to to Grapple and get there I also I had a a friend who like was like you have issues that you need to get help like she like in eighth grade she was like trying like all my other friends were like oh you're so skinny like oh they weren't there they weren't like they were just like complimenting me on it but one friend was like I'm gonna tell your parents and I was like you can't do that and like she would like threatened me like I cut her out I was like I can't talk to you anymore it's like I didn't want her to reveal like my my secret um but so that was I did have one person who was who was threatening to say something um but what did it look like um you're hungry all the time um but you're also like working out all the time at least for me it's like you don't care like and like the hunger like it kind of feels good you're like okay like it's like it's like a high and you get on it almost um the difference between an eating disorder as an addiction and like other addictions is that it's an addiction like you're you're using something you're using drugs or alcohol or gambling this is like you're abstaining from something but it's still the same effect it's like the more you do it the more you have to do it and you cannot imagine not doing it um and the doing it is the deprivation yeah the deprivation is instead of indulging in something it's the opposite there can you also share about because we really encountered this theory of like your brain being hijacked yeah eating disorder yeah so as it progresses people often think it's like their fault when they have an Angus or like I'm no I'm it's my I chose to do it you didn't choose to do it at some point your brain really is hijacked and it's a mental illness and it's really forcing you to do it um so like one example I guess was like I really thought it was big like even when I was really not I like didn't understand why everyone was so concerned I was like why are you concerned like I'm not I'm not like those other anorexic people who are so skinny like I don't look like them and I probably did like I really thought I didn't look like that um I want to highlight something that you mentioned that we've had guests on the show that are doing really prolific work in the world of addiction and recovery and they've shared with us what they refer to as the disease model where in order for someone who's struggling with an addiction to to embrace the disease model to recognize that like you said this is not a choice that is being made this is a disease that is had it's a mental um disorder as well and it has of course physical symptoms but at its core it's it's a it's there's a disease there which is which is very liberating in one's yeah but that took me a long time to recognize that because I didn't even think I had it I didn't think I was like like when I got diagnosed I was like but I'm not like I was just so confused why she was dying with diagnosis means that because I was just like I genuinely thought like I looked normal and that I was like just eating healthy and being healthy and working out and I didn't understand why there was an issue so it took a while not to like actually understand that there was and I imagine what makes it even more complicated and and challenging is that you you reference some other addictions like alcohol and drugs where it's very clear if that exists so it's it's complete abstinence that's the that's the response to it but eating it's a critical aspect of a healthy life and now it's a matter of striking the balance and then dieting is celebrated as well and glorified so it's like this it's a very complicated behavioral type of addiction yeah and that's why recovery is so hard right I'm sure we'll get to some of the treatment but yeah the hijacked anorexic star of brain actually can't like you're saying understand what you're doing and the choices that you're you're making so until you get back to a certain weight there's there's no talking to that sorry side of you it's over sorry was there point you know you mentioned that the brain gets hijacked and it's you know I think that when something is hijacked we know that it's hijacked I mean you knew that at some point I'm not in control of this yeah but in a way I also thought that I was in control like the only thing I feel like I could control was I was I thought I was I was really good at losing weight and that was like I didn't feel like I had friends I didn't I mean like I did like I didn't feel like I did um I didn't feel pretty I didn't feel like good about myself so this is the one thing that I'm good at and I can do and I knew I was good at it because it was I was I was very good at it um I want to comment on the hijacking of the brain because that was something that we really learned through this process like we would go to the therapist so she would meet with a tower but she would also meet with us and we would say things to her like oh but atar said she's doing really well at this or Atara said that and she would say it back to us that's not your attire speaking that is the eating disorder and you it's gonna take time until you start to see the real attire again um and that was hard that was really hard because as parents we're not I mean we're both in the helping field but this is not this is not our area and we wanted to believe Atara we wanted we just want her to get well so we were just like just really wanted that so badly that we would believe anything um but it took time and um we could talk about like what that kind of what the recovery process and what kind of methods that were used which is a whole other yeah aspects but it took time for that recovery of the hijacking of the brain to happen yeah and like besides the brain it's like also just like all the symptoms of like dizziness and like over over working out so you're always sore um you had mentioned that there was a time um before the diagnosis there was a time that you had considered going over your parents in the kitchen and telling them what was going on yeah so can you take me through that moment you know what's going through your mind um yeah um well there's two separate times one with my dad one with my mom um one time it was like earlier on in it no they both were earlier on like in like not four got like two because who I would not have even thought about doing that um but like I was like maybe I should say like I'm struggling with like am I feeling bad about my way and like I'm not eating as much I'm like I was almost sent it to my dad and I was like you know I was like no you can't you can't tell them because if you tell them then you have to stop this and you have to gain away and you don't want to gain weight so I was like oh yeah you're right I don't want to do that so then I like just talk about something else I don't remember what happened and the other time was where it was a different situation where I was like ranting to my mom about something like I sounded like I was like crying about like middle school stuff whatever and I was like maybe I'm gonna insert that I'm having issues with this also and I was like no we can't we can't do that so then we just like left that part out of the the rant but it must have been it must have been hard for you like you know because part of you wanted to tell them because I knew it was an issue like I knew like what I was doing wasn't good but also like it was the only thing going for me I felt like like I really was like unhappy and I really felt like everything else was going badly I didn't like I didn't like who I was friends with I didn't like anything happening so I was just like this is the one thing I have like control over that I'm gonna and I I'm gonna be skinny and I'm gonna and I got I was getting complimented by tons of people Ray relatives by friends like it was looked as a good thing like everyone's like oh my gosh you're so skinny it's like why would I want to stop like that's the one thing I'm good at I'm gonna compliment it for but we're gonna we're gonna spend a nice amount of time I imagine talking about how a society we can get better talking about these things or not talking about certain things yeah um but first to hear from you know Connie and Daniel um as parents your oldest child going through something extremely scary objectively scary you know um is it Daniel or Daniel by the way I actually go by Daniel but it's nice I can switch back and forth in different worlds pronunciation I don't know I just want to be sensitive went ahead and decided to get married to somebody named Danielle yeah okay what's with that a guy a guy can't marry a girl with the same name as his mother but a girl can marry a guy with the same name spell differently it's with an O and D yeah in his name so it's different I don't know I'm gonna look into this one um I got apology emails by the way I spelled my my English name Mark Marc and then sometimes people will email me Mark with a K erroneous my brother also spells with a c okay it's your it's very European with a c it's like no yeah and awesome oh yeah Seafood also um but I'll get like apology emails oh I'm so sorry like I didn't realize it's like it's okay yeah you're okay it's okay not like you're just trying to like put me on blast or mispronouncing his name um but Anil and Daniel is not okay erroneous mark C and K that is up I'm glad we spent three minutes talking about the name yeah um but but as parents dealing with something like this you know I know I'm I'm a parent of a three-year-old and me and my wife we have like our little huddle sessions like yeah right now we're doing this you know like I imagine you two are talking to each other you're well take us through I guess the early stages of that conversation what does that look like for you yeah well I'll start a little bit I mean the the as we've been talking you know this whole wake-up call Process definitely took some time I mean I think it's hard for any parent to come to grips with that a child might be struggling with something especially something as serious as as an eating disorder and to to not be worth or even be in denial I think goes along with it I'm psychologist right so yeah anything it should be or it's not an area I work with specifically but I think it's just so easy to you know just try not to it's like not my child like yeah it couldn't happen to to my child right then but then you know we started to biggest come to grips with it slowly that this is what we were faced with and and how we're gonna go forward well I can say when they brought me to the to the therapist like they met separately we met together and I think I met like me but just with her and she when she said to me she was like okay like you know talk to like your parents and everything we talk to you like you have anorexia Universal like she said like that she had like diagnosed me she like wrote down like you know like this is what you have and I was like I remember hearing those words and I'm like what like no I don't I like I was so shocked that she was telling me that because I was like I imagined all those skinny people who are like really sick we're about to die and like and I was like that's not me like I'm just like a small person I'm not I'm like whatever I was like it's not I wish I was shocked um so when I think back to really when this was really like the diagnosis and that really really dark time I um I actually have a physical reaction like I I physically like you're very emotional um and that's okay it was crushing it was it was really really crushing um I felt like what like we're just like aren't we like Hashem like are we good people like aren't we our jobs are to help people you know my husband's a therapist I work with people with special needs you know we're we have friends we're we're kind like I felt like we're we're okay we're not the best parents but like pretty good you know we're doing okay um and it was just crushing it was just like how could like I just I know as a mom I'm sure a lot of moms who go through this I felt like did I do something wrong I felt guilt did I say something wrong did I do something wrong um was I a bad role model like a lot of like guilt um and it took a long time to realize that you know we didn't do something wrong um and we did plenty of things on the list don't worry they keep a list remember you didn't take us to do that remember people remember when you um people last on visiting day here we go okay how much time do you have for the podcast got a list that's the top of the list I'm just saying that is this no not coming late the last one not late last a kid waiting in the field There Was an explanation no one else there and also contact us offline if they want to know we have to admit it was a low moment for us CBS might call by that one but you know but it was it was soul-crushing but I remember I remember when you sent me to the doctor before the nutritionist so you want to see like what my weight was and I was a normal appointment I didn't realize like she had made the appointment to see what my weight was I thought it was just like a checkup um and I I knew it was coming for a few weeks like I actually I never told this I gained like four pounds before the appointment never heard that and like you were like and then I was like she's gonna think it's so now I'm like I'm like a normal weight like she's not gonna like even be like No One's Gonna be concerned and I went on the scale and whatever and she was like my mom was like what that's your weight and I was like what's something like I was less than this a few days ago like like I was like I was not this is heavy like what are you gonna I remember like being like huh like I gained it so like you wouldn't think that why are you still thinking that wow I think it's it's it's cool what you what you shared about accepting that it's not the result of something that you did or didn't do and you know we we meet a lot of people yeah and a lot of people encounter a nasayan in a Muna that relates to a Health crisis in their family and if a person's child is diagnosed with a you know with a severe diagnosis the the avoid of the work that they need to do of course is all a Muna based but that layer of not you know taking ownership and taking blame for that diagnosis is usually not part of the process here when it comes to this the nature of this disorder is such that it's so easy for us to conflate the matter and think oh what did I do what did I not do what could I have done better and I think our role here is to is to shed some light where this is this is a disorder that exists in our community and it's not the result of any bad actions yeah I mean partially it is like to some extent like there are people who are responsible I mean it wasn't my parents but like like eating disorders are bio psychosocial disorders right so like they're biological meaning like you could be more prone to it it's like somebody else could have been like me and like spent the summer like not eating and then bounced back and like not haven't had an issue like I know people who did that and like they're like I'm just gonna stir myself up and then they didn't have it they didn't link to anything um they're psychological things in their brain and then they're also social when there's like things around you can influence it happening so like you could have like the the jeans for it that might make you more susceptible but like you have a really good social environment everything's going well and no one says anything like that to you like it won't get like triggered for me it did get triggered because of what people were saying and and I guess also like not anything you guys you guys never spoke like this like people in the family and like would say like Diet things and that like from a young age that trickles in yeah it gets to you so let me ask you out of curiosity with psychologists here as well um it doesn't work the opposite um as well meaning it the the constant talk of dieting and skinny and weight can have a negative effect is is also either abstaining but speaking you know just positively about eating healthy food and wholesome and eating more does that make it less uh possible for someone to develop 100 like if people like instead of like I like a shop of people being like Oh I'll have like a small piece of cake like and then your six-year-old child hears us it's like oh Cake's bad I can make sense Association instead of being like Oh I I love this cake like I want to have more of it like and if they hear you saying that like they're like oh it's not bad to eat cake like that does have an impact like in a positive way that it's okay to eat things that are unhealthy and not like and to not dye it and that kids pick up on it in fact that was part of like the recovery you had to eat certain things that you had avoided Foods right well that was that was a different thing because I didn't understand like when we started recovery I thought okay you want me to gain weight I want to be healthy okay healthy means eating salads eating healthy food like like that you want to be healthy I'll be healthy like I'm happy to be healthy so like when they start I remember like we went somewhere for Shabbos and then my dad was like okay like have a cookie for dessert I'm like I ate a meal like what I don't need a cookie like that's not healthy it's like you need to have a cookie I was like I don't understand why that it's necessary but the whole point was I had to eat all these unhealthy Foods to like not to like first of all gain weight but also like to not be scared of them like living a healthy life people sometimes would like it's very dangerous on like social media like I would like see these like people who posted like recovery stories and like they'd be like yeah I recovered and now like I'm like this and like they would be like only eating healthy food and I thought that that was like what recovery could be like you just eat really healthy and like like a nutrition person a fitness blogger yeah and that's not what recovery actually is recovery is being able to eat all kinds of foods and balance them in your life and I was so when they started making me eat on healthy foods I was just like really confused why that was necessary and I guess that was a key part of the recovery and yeah and what was that I guess you know I think it might be helpful to to lay some foundation of the recovery yeah yeah Journey like the where that started and that process and then I think we can build on that do you want to talk about the model of oh sure I mean like you you mentioned the heart stock before and how much she was a big part of uh really helping us in the Target to this uh place right here and the model that she uses and is really I think the uh for a childhood it was considered a childhood eating disorder because of her age right and the idea of what's called family-based therapy where all of us would come in for sessions our entire family of six okay that didn't last longer we could talk about that you can just imagine you know her two little brothers on the couch like what are we doing here we have some good stories for assistant who just wants to go to bat mitzvah's like you know and I was missing the giveaways or something she's still angry about it um but but the idea of like I mentioned before that the the brain that starved isn't able to have this kind of rational discussion and realize that it it's killing itself and therefore the primary need is to recover the the weight and get back to that certain Waypoint and and since you don't have a willing participant because you can't the brain is completely hijacked that the idea is that the child will be you know under the direction of the family um be guided towards getting this you know all of that weight gain back which is a very very challenging process essentially meant that my husband and I sat for hours and hours on end for every single meal with a Tara which is very hard to imagine if you're feeding a 14 year old especially if you have little kids a lot of other kids right right we have three other children the oldest um but you know we're talking about like little kid you know you have a little you have a young child and it's like puddling with your wife like how are we gonna get them to bed right it's like all these things when they're little that you can control and dictate and then you're faced with something like this and you realize hey you're very little control over certain things um but the the fbt the family-based therapy the feeding was very it's it's it was very painful I mean from my perspective like for them it's like hard to like be dealing with that but like for me it's like it's like asking someone to like drink poison and that's what it felt like every second I had to eat like I remember like in the beginning when like I have this like memory of like my dad you had like a bowl of like Entenmann's donuts and like like the pop-up thingies and like most people I think would like love me for like entenman's donuts like you like brought them down and you were like okay like here's your like you know like nighttime snack whatever and I was like I was like and I'm like I'm screaming and like running away like it felt like poison like I was like I cannot put that in my body like I feel like like I couldn't like I was like how are you making me eat that like that that's how like severe it felt um and it was also something was hard because like sometimes they would like give me a food I actually like didn't like like a cake I didn't like or like a food like or a sandwich I didn't like like I could just say if I have I said a lot of things I didn't like but I actually did like because I just didn't want to eat it so they had to still give me the foods even if I said I didn't like it so that was like also like you're forcing yourself to eat food that like actually like you is nauseating you and you don't like it and you have to eat it anyways so that that one's really challenging we don't know if it's the part of your brain it just doesn't like the food right oh yeah we had no idea so you know for you Atara during the recovery is there a point of if you seeing this all like happen where your your parents are having to feed you you're 14 and they're feeding you and they're making you eat this making you eat that is there a point for you of like gosh how'd I get here it was I thought it was worse than like dating disorder like when it was happening like the eating was like definitely harder because like at least like with like the eating disorder like I was unhappy but I was like controlling that aspect here I'm unhappy and I now have control over this aspect and it's actually physically nauseating and it's horrible and I don't and I'm not enjoying this at all um and it's like that's why it's like different like when you're struck when you're recovering from like drug addiction to alcohol you're abstaining from something this is like all day every day for the rest of your life you have to force yourself to have healthy integration yeah like you can't avoid food you have to have food but that takes every second of your day to like be conscious of that and like do it um and it could take all day we would sometimes sit 12 to 16 hours a day like if you don't you know like you can start breakfast at nine and it might go to 12 and then you start lunch and we would sit there and you're a teenager so yeah Friends School what was that all like so this was not fun um so I was when I started recovery like around pieces all the time so I was still in eighth grade um and I still had to go to school um so breakfast at home then go to school My Mama come for lunch in the parking lot and I would eat lunch in the car oh my God I forgot about that and then like they brought they had they gave me snacks to have at the nurse the nurse like didn't know what they were doing so like she would like put me in like a room with no one else and like say okay eat your snack in the room I was like obviously I'm not gonna eat the snack if no one's watching me so every day I would like throw it out and I would count like how long it would take to each once like no one would suspect anything and then I'll do some workout in that room and then it'll come out and like I've come home every day my mom would be like I was like what snack did you have from like the snack the snacks that you have the nurse I'm like oh I had this one I'm like no I didn't um this is during recovery yeah it's actually interesting because you were asking about like how long it took to recognize like there's really a problem so even after the diagnosis it was harvesting right this is like around pay stock time so there's still a little bit time left of eighth grade not that much time because you know in eighth grade they finish early and I think we were just kind of like okay like yeah she could still go to school and we could still have our full-time jobs and the nurse will give her the snack like we it still took a little longer for us to realize that we needed to actively be involved and you can't really give it to someone else to do we tried and it was also really hard going to school because like I was miserable dealing with this like I didn't want it the recovery was horrible like and I could like go to school and be a person like that was just not working um but then it and then it was worse because then my mom works and worked an account in Camp Missouri um now my dad does but wait she I was like kind of stay home this summer and like she's like I'm not making like Daddy do this the whole summer like you're coming to Camp so I had to go to a new camp as a teen in teen division um and every morning I would come into her cabin I wouldn't go my my bunk'd to like dominating and breakfast um and sometimes be there till lunch and sometimes I want to enjoy my bunk till 2PM and everyone's like oh where were you and I was like oh I had things to do like it was like socially off like people like why is she only with us half the day like it's teens um and that was really hard but like I was sometimes like I would want to be I would sometimes like push myself to eat because I wanted to like go join things so it was helpful sometimes that's a social aspect like you had mentioned yeah it's actually interesting because we actually talk a lot about that summer not you and I at Starbucks so you know like the slogan like best summer ever it's like summer 2016 worst summer ever mostly like that's like like literally the worst number yeah um it's interesting though you touched on something a tower because um we've often talked about that that summer in some ways was the lowest and the worst and in some ways going I feel parts of that summer actually helped you and was part of Saving you because even though it was very hard to come in as a teen to a new camp that you hadn't been a part of before on the other hand you made so many friends and socially you connected with so many people that we thought it was actually a really good boost to your self-esteem even though it was a nightmare for us because we were trying to work and give you food and like try to keep you happy and I'm sure it was extremely difficult for you as you said like you're missing the Avenue you're missing activities and people are like well where are you I remember at one point somebody said oh Tara must be having such a hard Summer She right she really needs you like she's having a hard time socially like like she's just like not homesick because we're there but like just likes to be with you a lot and I remember like I just wanted to like punch that person because I'm like no actually she really doesn't want to be with me you don't know what's going on you know behind the door you really don't know it's incredible how little we know of what goes on in people's lives yeah and yet how quick we are to tell ourselves a story based on the little surface level facts that we have and others and tell others a story correct correct and in reality all it takes is a moment of introspection to just examine one's own life and know how much is going on in your own life that so few people know about and just project that for a moment maybe this other person that I'm encountering also has something going on that I have no clue and can't fathom what they're addressing right now it was helpful like when the friends I became like close with in my bunk like I ended up like I would tell them like this is what's happening this is why I'm gone half the day this is like whatever and like once I had like a bunch of people on my button canoeing I felt better because I was like okay like they don't think I'm just like a freak that just leaves half the day yeah like I'm not like it looked like it looked weird like why is she only joining us at 2PM every day and like never had the meals um but yeah this honking is brought to you by the sidewalks yeah oh yeah road rage thanks for inviting us we appreciate you inviting us on the day of the time you sir have just interrupted an episode of the meaningful people podcast get back in your comments how are you no drama sheesh put the baseball bat down yeah okay to your point about you know this definitely sensitized us to the you know internal world that every individual every family is kind of going through and I hope that is one of the messages that people take as they listen to this just having that you know increase sensitivity just realizing that everyone is you know whether you realize or not is definitely struggling with something hey hey we'll be right back to this episode of the meaningful people podcast I got some breaking news for you I spoke today to Justin from collars and Co and like hey Justin you know what uh holiday season's coming up and there's a certain group of people who I really want to do something special for he's like sure who I said First Responders hot Sala members he's like okay what do you want to do I said let's give them 20 off and that's exactly what we're doing 20 off for all hot seller Members First Responders and their families head to college.com the shirt I'm wearing right now this beautiful comfortable strong amazing looking shirt you can only get a colorscore.com if you are on a cell member or a first responder use promo code mm Heroes you'll get 20 off any order over 150 that is MM Heroes and if you're not a hot sell member maybe become one but anyways you could use promo code meaningful for 15 off use promo code meaningful 15 off at collarsandco.com I want to ask you guys as a family um I believe this is the first time you're speaking about this publicly especially on a platform like this um something that either intentionally or unintentionally you've kept sort of private to yourselves maybe not even in your family knows the details uh so so why now why is why now do you want to speak out about this um well partially not that this is a good thing but like we always said that it could get into which is sad but yeah okay it comes from that parental Instinct that um you're right that we are sharing for the first time and I think a lot of people listening to this will be very surprised other than some of our family and and a few close friends and somewhere about him I don't think almost anybody really really knows the story and it comes from that instinct too yeah to wanting to really protect the Tara and and um I think you're right that was one of the considerations but again we're we're hoping to you know really try to try to change it see how often think about what Robert Goldberg get down in Boca Raton uh who's a huge proponents yeah of mental health awareness and has a podcast about that as well and you know he he talks about I guess he's also very involved in shizuka then he gets a lot of phone calls from people and they'll ask him well you know does anyone in the family get therapy or take medication yeah right that's what people are asking they want to know if you're in third what did he say therapy or do they take any medications I'm getting this correct that he says something like well what he's thinking is like one second so who would you who would you want to date here because everyone's got something right you know Wayne buys has changed something they say there's always something so do you want the family that went ahead and took it seriously got the best therapist maybe there was medication you know whatever it was or do you want them the one that swept it under the rug here so it's a good thing if they're taking these steps here I'm very uh me and my husband are shot Khanna um they're amazing they've already been successful oh wow that's amazing that's part of why you're a meaningful person but I give her email out you're gonna be very busy I get a lot of calls um but someone called me and they were like oh like this girl I can't ask me questions and she said like oh and just one more question I know it sounds bad but like like this and did she ever have like like depression anxiety like anorexia she even said that and I was like whoa and like take any medications and I'm thinking like I honestly like don't think she did but I'm like and I said to her I was like no but like why would that be an issue like that shouldn't prevent I shoulda and I was about to go off on her be like you think I shouldn't have gotten married like they just answer your question I think that the answer really is that we took you earlier to Tara and you felt like this is something you wanted to to share because you thought it could it could help others yes like what's uh I always wanted to but I always like to care what people would think not that I think it's embarrassing because it's not um but like just like it was always the wrong moment like in high school I mean like weird and like Seminary whatever um I think like also like it's now like a good time because like there's just like I'm very very thankful um I got married eight months ago yeah um I'm due I'm expecting and like there's a lot of like brushes yeah so it's a lot of like bracha that like he may wait and also like I remember like like I dab it like when my one of my like um incentives for Recovery was that I wanted I never told you that I want to like have a child like I I said my diary I wrote it never heard that yeah um because like it can stop me from having so yeah so building a family is one of those things that yeah and you can start working take that away like fertility so yeah that was a big thing I remember and like everyone isn't in my diary and speaking of of can I open a parenthesis for a moment you can open one opening in parentheses you mentioned about him as a consideration to conceal information and I feel like we've been we've been talking a lot about enhancing and improving the the process we had a Sapporo gradco on on the platform that was amazing right that was incredible thank you she's incredible and I think all of the points that that she was highlighting one of which is I think relevant here where we've spent so much time as a society keeping certain walls up and concealing certain information um in an attempt to preserve a certain image for the purposes of and then what happens is people get married and then the reality of who they are reveals itself yeah and how cool would it be if in the dating process people can connect not only through their mylus but also through their struggles and through the things that Hashem wants them to work on and like let that be part of what people are connecting on through the process yeah like Hashem I didn't go through the process like I met my husband in high school um but like I cannot even imagine what it would have been like and like how like just would have been horrible like that would have been like my issue with like the people like oh but she because like also like it's maintaining you're always dealing with this like I still have a therapist like I don't see her often but like I still like when I go through life changes I always like check in with her um and like it's always like if I I don't fast so like I don't even faster I'm clipper um because that that just biologically sets it all off again um and before that gets controversial for anyone alcoholics don't drink alcohol on Perm either but we're under their football exactly ever yeah yeah so it's never but but like it's always maintaining it's like there's still foods that like are harder to eat like I don't know like donuts were always like one of my they're called fear Foods oh gosh um I challenge myself to like not avoid them but like if someone's ever if I'm at a Hanukkah product I'm gonna purposely I'm gonna purposely eat it so that I'm not giving in it's even like passively avoiding a food like can give in to it it's like I'm very aware of like I see myself avoiding something then I'm like okay now we're gonna eat it because I see that you're avoiding it it takes a lot of stuff away insensitive have you developed a preference for which type of donut on Hanukkah yeah the jelly donut okay but now that's not one of those couple weeks because we've gone nuts wait but the jelly donuts in Israel yeah yeah my sister my sister came back from my wedding my wedding was like right before Hanukkah just I asked her to bring me a jelly donut from Israel so she she brought me one it was fresh that's a real miracle that that right there is healthy integration exactly yeah exactly I'm gonna fly in a donut from Israel exactly that's how far I'll go I think I said one thing to your point though you asked about you know I mean sorry to go through the shutoff process but you know as far as like connecting on that deep level and if you want to say anything about like you know how our wonderful Sun load did you know kind of you know support you through the process of course he knew everything and it was I think of and it wasn't is a part of your continued recovery yeah it's very supportive yeah that's very important probably you know to the maintaining of everything that you go through also in terms of like when you're asking um like why now natara shared you know from her you know we've my husband and I always said like we want to take her lead um but one of the reasons that we felt we've been talking about this for a little while about sharing our story is because we've seen the brachos that have come our way um and we were so proud of Atara I mean she's just an amazing amazing young woman on many levels not just because um her strength around this area but just overall and her siblings are amazing also and um we've just you know even just meeting meeting her husband in high school yeah getting married um just seeing the things that she's doing we felt like Hashem has really blessed us and there was just something pulling us that said we have to share our story to help others to give hizuk we are not professionals again you know this is not our area of expertise we're just just a family who experiences and I think you know and this is the part of the of the podcast where we get to I think one of the most important reasons why we're sitting here right now innocent you're going to search the statistics how one in every how many girls are struggling with an eating disorder it's what's crazy is that I didn't know anyone like any like I had no one to talk to about it in middle school and high school nothing right um it's not good for people who are in the midst of eating disorder to be talking to someone who has it because then they just help each other yeah give each other tips which is not good which is why Google is very dangerous yeah there's a lot of people's terrible a lot of communities out there um that are websites that help anorexics help each other and give each other tips which is not good right um but like it would have been helpful later on like in high school to like have other people going through it like I know I don't have any friends like I have still I can talk to you about this like I have friends who like struggled a little bit but like I still don't have anyone to talk to about it and like I'm fine but like I wouldn't have wouldn't have been so nice if I had someone I knew I could reach out to it's like I'm gonna give you a number that people can reach out to me on but like I intend no one to like there was one person who wrote in the Jewish link like an article was like I emailed her once or twice but it was like who wants to email this like older like like I don't know we felt the same way we didn't have people that we we could talk to and I hope we could be that I mean and I know we have Connie sometimes in talking to to families and really one thing we've I think tried to do is is paint the picture that recovery is possible and I think when I don't know if you know this but like it's given a lot of physics to people when they say that got married your life is moving forward yeah that's you know you know we've I've interviewed people on this podcast who who Unfortunately they had a daughter that wasn't able to cope with what they were going through through their eating disorder it's part of the reason I feel it's so important to have you sitting here because I don't know the numbers but I have a feeling that there's a lot of girls out there and guys and guys 100 there's a lot of there's a lot of girls and guys out there um in in our circles in our in our Jewish World in The Firm world that are struggling with this whether borderline whether more extreme and I think it's super important to show you you need a healthy version of showing it because a lot of times it's like this is recovery recovery is not only eating healthy and it's not working out recovery is going to get ice cream and doing this and all these things and balancing it and honestly like not eating ice cream every night like being normal and like a lot of times it's not shown that way on like social media or other places and people think yeah people get the wrong impression or they think like it's just like you recover and it's over um they should know that it's always a process I know you brought up fasting um oh yeah you you don't fast as in terms of your own Kipper tissue above is there a way to make that day more yes meaningful to you like yeah so it should both actually I still make very meaningful um like I'll be like crying watching a video while I'm like eating food that's just it's just different you all gold as a way of doing that yeah yeah exactly you watch this little video um but [Music] like the spiritual side of me just wants to be there all day and like I love it but like I have to like leave and come back I'm like leave and come back and like share him so it's like really hard actually I gotta head there last year not to do Sheeran because it was just it was really hard um counter it makes sense but it plays into the whole restricting idea right it's like it doesn't work it doesn't so last year and I couldn't even do it um but like yeah it's it's just a different yum Kipper but like I think Shane duplosgrave sent me she she posted on her Instagram you sent me a screenshot sent you a screenshot of it um she said like she was asking people like what does Tish above mean to you and somebody wrote a day I have to eat anyway and she said like your eating is moral holy than my fast thing wow like because that's a shandy yeah because like it's true Like It's Hot and It's also hard and like I've had people say really insensitive things to me on Fast days like I can say one of them like I could say a bunch of them one of them because you haven't been able to tell we use humor as a coping mechanism someone was like you're so lucky you don't have to fast I'm like I'm so lucky I have a reason I'm not allowed to fast like that like so we'll give anorexia or like it's so insensitive that you're eating and [ __ ] camping reading in front of us when we're fasting where do you want me to go like I have to eat like turn around like I have to like I'm taking care of myself really on the other side I don't think I think he might have spoken to you once but my friend Rebecca of Glasser um it might have been that first summer maybe summer afterwards you were you know having a hard time with not not fasting and I spoke with him and what he told me maybe shared it with you also was that it's it's not that you're breaking your fast it's that's not the the case at all it's this is your Mitzvah this is how you keep tissue this is how you keep so a lot of people have said to me that that what I'm doing is a misfortunately taking care of yourself um remember during covid um during covid what was it there was something during covid where their abundance said I think about going to Manana or something or or or the amudum health hotline was open on on Shabbos it's uh you know you have to call right it's your breaking job as it's keeping shops a different way exactly exactly I want to also highlight something that you mentioned sort of in passing you said that recovery is not something that is done once and then it's done yeah but it's sort of a a life work and I want to invite you to to elaborate on that that concept um I mean part of it is you don't a lot of people never fast again some people I don't I can't ever see it happening in the near future um because it's again like the biological starving yourself reminds you of what starving yourself feels like and it goes into that whole cycle it's like you don't want to remind yourself what starving feels like um and then also like again like making those decisions consciously all the time like I'm gonna eat this even though people are talking about and saying it's really unhealthy um or stuff like that being mindful of when I'm working out what my intentions are if I'm doing it to feel healthier or to move my body from doing it because I'm trying to lose weight um so like for years I couldn't work out um I started being able to recently because now that I'm like pregnant like it's like a different Focus like I'm not thinking about I don't want to lose weight so it's not safe so like that's been easier for me um but yeah no definitely like just a lot of like and also like combating like what people say like like sometimes people will be like oh my gosh like I'm Alex that's so unhealthy I'm like no it's not or I'll be like okay you can eat it sometimes like I'll combat people say a lot of the time um like relatives friends like I'm very like no I'll say something but also it's a lot of like tuning out what people say like like I worked in a different I'm a teacher um I worked in a school at one point and in the teacher's lounge people would like say so many like things that like we're not okay about like dieting and like bodies and whatever and like I have to learn how to tune it out like people like and it's like hard because people say things like really like can like make me scared about what food or like be scared about bodies or like whatever different things like I'm like what if that happens to me or what about or like I can't eat that now like either be like no like they're just being crazy and like it's okay to like eat that food sometimes and and I'm not gonna gain 500 pounds when I get pregnant and like people will just say things and it would like scare me um so learning how to like tune out other people all the time like I've seen people are talking about something like dieting sometimes I like walk away like I walk away from like shot by skills before um or I'll fight people at shop with me I want to be like that's not true you can't say that so I guess depends who it is let's talk about that a little bit in terms of you know nowadays there is a big emphasis on dieting and people go to some links ieos epic and these things are becoming extremely prevalent and rampant and everyone's just trying to find the quickest way to lose the most amount of weight possible it's a family that's that's dealing with this I want to sort of uh hear your take on on this topic it's interesting because I've I've seen we've seen people in our community who've done like rapid weight loss things um if they're not a friend of ours I mean I don't say anything but I've sort of adopted this thing over the last few years where if I want to give a compliment to my friends whether they've lost weight or whatever I'll like I'll comment on something very specific like I love your dress you look great yeah you know as opposed to like oh my gosh you lost so much weight you look amazing like I mean I don't want to offend them maybe they want that compliment um but that's not that's something that I've but sometimes you don't you don't know like maybe that person did it in a healthy way but maybe they didn't anymore you complimenting their rapid weight loss could be what the people were doing to me where they were complimenting me and it was not in a healthy way it was encouraged maybe they're sick and they lost like we don't exactly we don't always know it's like we were talking about we don't always know what's going on behind closed doors I'm I'm yeah something I've adopted I'm I'm a little more careful about compliments and what the compliment is right there's a there's a therapist who lives in the community Rachel tuckman she talks a lot about you're familiar with her she talks a lot about you know the body and and I think her um her take on this is like there's never enough there's never a place where one should mention anything about someone else's body good or bad like you look oh you look so skinny oh you look so big oh like it's that's it's inappropriate like even now like with pregnancy I've been dealing with that because like people like I mean they mean well but like oh like you look great like you only you know you didn't you didn't gain any like pregnancy where you just like gained in like like talk like oh your face will look skinny people like I'll be like okay like why why are we focusing on my body like okay great I'm pregnant like that doesn't give you a right to talk about how I look or like somebody I told someone I was pregnant and she was like Oh I thought you just like gained like some way after you got married and I was like that's not a normal thing to say I remember when I I was at my crazy I was at like my Peak um my Peak weight of like highest yeah nice highest highest weight ever and someone looked at me and said oh wow you lost some weight and the media thought that I had was so the picture of me in your head is even larger than this I guess but I think we all have yeah we love stories like this I was about I was with you once I was I was like the most it still hurts me to this day like probably when I'm crying to my wife you know after I got married putting some pounds you know and like I was somewhere and a guy comes over me like put his hand on my stomach yeah people's husband and he said like he said like ah get some marriage weight I I was like what did you just like first of all touch my stomach a grown man I will put this boot down your throat second of all did you just touch my stomach no but like it's really like shocking yeah it's interesting because I think we all would all agree that it's never people aren't saying things to be mean or it's not coming from a bad place it's just people somehow think it's okay to say these things um to comment on someone's way to comment on another chat another a friend of yours child's way oh I see she lost so much weight she came home from Camp like I've heard that a lot like yeah don't just don't say anything and in a household as a parent I I've seen there's a lot of awareness around not even using the words fat or skinny yeah there's no reason why a kid growing up six years old seven years they don't even know the fat skinny they could be healthy I don't know maybe not healthy but there's no there's no there's no need for fat or skinny I mean the talk before girls go to Seminary the worrying that parents do that their girls are going to gain weight in seminary and they tell them like I've I know people who have told their girls too many times like to be careful and and they're worried and yeah it's um it's it's again like as how I said some people it won't impact them at all but the ones that the ones that it will it's dangerous yeah are you guys able to give me you know the top 10 Do's or don'ts it's like you know we prepared our top 10. you just seem like the people who prepared yeah yeah we um before we came on you know you don't have a top 10 Miami kids dude is anybody here on top 10 is there a doctor on board in the top ten we have one one of the things we spoke about before coming on the show is like obviously you know hopefully some of the stuff from the interview resonates with people but we also wanted to um we thought and prepared a little bit in terms of like what are some like real like people it really doesn't resonate with me yeah exactly like 10 things that you should just like be aware of or think about or things like that so I I have I have them here I'm going to read them and you'll comment on each one about that okay this great huh look at this price looks good on me amazing yeah we're yuckies yeah I think you saw my prep game them of course yeah you're yuckys like they're the ones that prepped you though yeah yeah um okay so number one don't ever comment on someone's weight and don't comment on a friend's child's weight yeah yeah we just we just we covered that okay number two don't comment on someone's plate of food or how much or a little they have on it oh my gosh and someone says why is nobody eating I am not putting away this food nobody's getting up until all the food is done if you're listening to this in your car and you've heard those words raise your hands get both hands off that wheel no that's your tread get off my chest so the time where that was really bad was one of the things that the therapist had me do early on in recovery was have like a ton of friends over for a sleepover like a shop a sleepover um which was good for me socially that was I'm glad that she made me do that because like it really was fun but the eating part of that was not fun because my mom made me made the platform made in the kitchen like she like put a ton of food on it and like they know I'm the girl that doesn't eat so I was gonna come out to sit at the table like all this food and then someone's like whoa Tara like you're that's so much food like on your plate like you never eat that much I was so embarrassed and I was like so like it was horrible and I was like I think she didn't know that I was in recovery like she just thought the girl doesn't eat and it has a whole plate of food like what's going on like don't say anything or like it still happens now like people like will comment like I gotta kiddish or at a wedding where I'm taking tons of food because like I want the food it's good and then they're like whoa like you you eat a lot and I'm like yeah like I'm hungry like like someone or someone's like I'm so stuffed I could not I can't eat the next course I'm like I can like I'm like it's just like why are you commenting on like the amount of who people are eating it's just like nah oh it's not okay I want to expand the lens from there just to a broader topic I'll notice people at Kiddush you mentioned like the scene of a kiddish I'll know I'll notice at kiddish someone like really insisting that someone have a shot of of alcohol and here are Michael why why not like like really pushing the envelope where maybe there's a reason why the person's turning that down right now never ask them twice yeah yeah and they should also give out bigger place by conditions foreign like hold this one I'm getting another one so number three we have here which I think is a general rule across the board don't ask someone if they are pregnant um yeah this is not this is beyond even eating disorder this is you know we've had uh um the family from a Time nah he's tapping tapping my thigh yeah who was it from the a Time the couple of course the rosens rosens we have the rosens on and the topic of fertility like never ask anybody if they're pregnant makes people think that they're fat also like yeah there's never a good there's never a good answer it's never it's never a good thing no like either the struggling fertility and they're not pregnant but some people are asking them or looking at their stomach or something like that or they're struggling with body image or weight loss or or weight you know gain or whatever it is and you commenting and saying that is is just can be devastating to someone um we but we like I mentioned we try to use humor a lot um so when Atara tells us she was expecting before you know sharing it with others oh it basically basically early on my pregnancy someone like assumed I was and like it got spread it and like it was spreading around the five times it was like spring around the five times a little bit people were like finding out I was like I don't know how this whatever okay um and then like I was we were joking like if anyone comes up to me and says oh I heard it you're pregnant I'm like okay like what medical issues are you dealing with like tell me about your tell me all about your personal like life like yeah we came up with like all this like funny like response lines probably never use them but you know like like if you're gonna ask someone a very personal question that's under your business maybe we'll ask you one back you don't want to ask what medication are you online so we will share our pregnancy status if you give us your entire medical and mental health history and financial of course and how's that eczema by the way exactly I was in the camp ask on Sunday as you know and I was this is I don't think it was such a personal question as much as it was odd someone came over me and said Sonu are you still married and it was like and I'm like I said I mean I said actually no good for you yeah he's like he's like what I'm like no I'm kidding what a dumb question are you still married right right thank you number four tone down the talk about dieting oh yeah at your family social Gatherings yeah so this is something that you know we with support but takeaway was don't say enrich him by you try and find other ways I'd be very happy if you know a good takeaway from an episode like this is you're with your family yantev is coming up like how do we eliminate diet eating at the table and you think that the cake is unhealthy don't be like oh I can't have it someone holding like the person next to you is like now they're feeling bad they're eating the unhealthy King that you said so bad like don't even if you don't want to eat okay keep it to yourself like don't say that's unhealthy or I'm on a diet or like or people even like will stay like their weight at the table they'll say and like people will say like like what they're doing to die and like it's just it's so bad it's like kids they hear all of this they you think like your three-year-old does not know like they know yeah like if someone's saying it they will hear it and they pick up on it um so I was really careful and you need to be really careful I think like once you guys got more sensitive so you guys would like be more careful about it also like you also like for sure you like we like would like make like these faces to each other whenever somebody would say something like really bad like at the table again I I mean I still am but um I have like a an immediate like guard that goes up like I'm feel very protective of all my children but I feel very protective of of the challenges that a Towers face and so sometimes when I hear something at a Shabbos table or something that was innocently said to her I it brings up something for me like I know she's gonna be okay because Tara's got you know Fantastic Tools that you know has gotten her to this point and will continue in her life but for me as a parent it's like I'd have to say that yeah you know why just like why yeah well we have lots of stories of like him will said to you people said to me I went during recovery that like people don't know what to say so like they sometimes say the wrong thing so if you don't know what to say say nothing like perfect no that was on the list I put that one on it's hard I like skimmed it okay I know um actually I don't even know if you know the satara but um with the protectiveness of your parents we have and this is extremely hard to do um but it's it's a level of which we felt like we we need to protect you like before like Beyond tips or family gatherings and stuff like that we would sometimes so if you're listening to this and you're in our family it's not just you it's multiple people that we've said um we've gone over to people and requested that certain topics not be spoken about that things not be said um because we knew that it would it did not always stop it it doesn't always stop correct but to the point where we could maybe tell people to think about it a little more before like hesitate or and if you and if you made a mistake and you said it okay it's okay but like maybe just try not to do it again some things are not meant to send you laugh out loud like some like you can tell the story about the pocketbook after but yeah but someone um we one of one of one of my relatives we went out for dinner with them like during recovery and like I had to eat like we got like a big sandwich or something I had to eat it like it wasn't like I chose to order that um and they knew me as the you know they knew I was going through like my parents had told them but like the lyrics they thought they were saying like the right thing but it was actually the really really wrong thing and they said like oh my gosh like you ate so much like thing like oh like it's like a little kid who like struggles with piggy eating and I think they eat like wow I'm so proud of you I'm like you're telling me I eat so much I won't have eaten so much like and there was like this total opposite thing to like say to me like I'm like people who say after like I came back from camp and I had gained like 20 pounds and like people were like you look so good how many you told me I gained weight telling me that I don't that's what you're saying like you're saying you're number five just don't say anything what you're saying if you tell me I look good you told me I can do it like that's what you're saying like I don't that's not helpful like that even though it comes from a good place yeah yeah I heard a nice uh acronym once um inviting people to wait and the acronym is wait why am I talking and it's an acronym so it has to be true and wait why am I talking that's perfect about weight weight about that's not why you said it no wow I totally missed that interesting Tower wanted me to mention the pocketbook story it's just a quick little whatever this also like we we had you know very few people who knew but those who were who did know there were people that wanted to help they didn't know how to help and they did not at all understand eating disorder so um when I was talking to somebody about it they said they just wanted to be helpful but they were like okay just just just tell her that if she if she eats I'll I'll buy her X Y and Z I'll buy her this and it just it made me sad because it felt like they really don't understand that it's not about buying her something if I if we could buy something and make it go away we would have done that right like we would have done anything um again but well-meaning but um just offer support number six yeah if you know someone is struggling don't only say I am here if you need anything but also do something specific to help for example make specific plans to get them out of their house for a little cook for them something for dinner so I'm assuming this is something that maybe you guys found throughout this process well like we said you know how difficult part of the treatment process was and how intensive it was I mean of course it was difficult for your Tower but you know emotionally and and time wasn't you know so much of it needs to be on on the family so yeah definitely when families can can get that support it's so helpful also like when somebody has a Medical Health crisis and everybody knows about it like a child's sick God forbid you know there's the hell and WhatsApp groups and there's meal trains and like people can't do enough for you which is incredible I mean we live in amazing Jewish Community Mental Health when it's something like this and a you're not broadcasting it to the world because it's your child's privacy your family's privacy but you've told but even if you've told a few and if those people you've told can do the slightest thing like you take you out of the house for a half hour because you're sitting with your child for hours and hours on you know or or take the child themselves out for an outing yeah one of your friends said that for me Leora oh that's right my friend took you out yeah and and even like just bring a cuggle over bring something over because again it's time consuming people don't realize that if you're at home with a child that it's very time consuming in general like the specificity of the offer is super helpful right like wait let me know how I can help puts the burden on you to like figure out what like find something concrete specific it's like asking someone oh you guys are welcome to comfortably anytime anytime how about now how about like time for this weekend yeah number seven things aren't always as they appear so don't be quick to judge others sounds like one of the like uh snowing yeah yeah we touched on that a little bit in terms of like when people made that comment oh she must really just want to hang out with you and your cabbage doesn't like Camp so much you know like I think that yeah the thing is like you you don't know what's going on people who are saying you look so skinny and they don't know that I'm not eating or like people waiting people say like where were you like I don't know what I was where I was and I it was actually not anything they could have thought it was you know we had there's the rose since I told the story on our podcast about a couple who was supposed to be going Upstate with me with their family and they couldn't make it in the end because they needed to go to the hospital for IVF treatment and had to come out it came out on a Friday afternoon they weren't gonna make it but they also it was a time in which it was and you know the community which was they couldn't tell the parents the family they didn't feel comfortable telling them what they were going for yeah and family members didn't talk to them for months because and they were told uh you don't even have kids you should be the first ones there to help and and like such a like it's it from from the so devastating exactly it's so heartbreaking it's like you don't know what's going on it's it's harboring and it's actually like one of the things that that we learned as parents do this is that you know you have to put your nuclear family first and so um sometimes that means not going to large family gatherings because you have to deal with whatever you're dealing with um or it means that maybe that environment is not the best environment at this time for child and you have to you know say I can't come or I need to have something or or I can come but I need things to be a certain way you know there were times like like when I was in Camp for that summer I couldn't go on like the the teen trip and like it was like a few days and like people probably were like so weird like what I mean like I have a family wedding or something like people are like probably thinking like oh she doesn't want to come like like that's not the reason I couldn't come because there's no no subversion for me like people can be so contesting like maybe she's just like like she gets too homesick that's what she can't go on this trip like they could have thought a million things but they were not true yeah I love the idea about the nuclear family thing too it's really hard every family has Dynamics in the extended family and to the extent people can really really plug into and focus on their nuclear family like their immediate yeah yeah nuclear yes and that really by the way you guys great terms is that your term nuclear nuclear family like it's like the nucleus nucleus yeah that we just covered number eight that was about the about the nuclear the nucleus nice um number nine as a working parent find someone at work to tell about your situation it can help alleviate some of the stress when you feel you can't perform at your best that rhymed also Dr Seuss I'll let you go first did you did you share with anyone at your work Danielle I I did I didn't share with that many people but I definitely shared with uh with a few people because the the expectations that are you know placed upon you uh you know definitely you know you want people to just be understanding given like we're saying to you know just support you as you're trying to take care of your family and I'm sure that's true for you honey as well yeah it was it was it took me a little while to figure out I I knew that I needed to tell one or two people because I wasn't possibly going to be able to perform at my best or what the expectation was of what how I currently performed and that was really really hard um part of it's also like we place a lot of stress on our ourselves right in terms of performance you know and and I remember feeling like I have such tremendous responsibilities at work and people rely on me and I manage people and we're helping community and but I found two people I found two people at work um who I worked closely with and I just laid it all out and I and I made it clear like it may not always be able to answer the phone it may not be able to answer my email so quickly um and I it was very supportive very supportive in fact very few people at work knew um and recently about it maybe like a year ago Danielle a year ago one of the people that I told at work called me up and said listen there's somebody else within the OU family with the yacht family that I think could benefit from talking to you guys wow and had I not told that person they never would have connected us to that other you know other a colleague who we've spent you know a number of times talking to and really support them number 10 on the list which I think is so important is always remind your kids that they should come to you for help oh yeah this is this is not just true for a tire but for all of our children but you know I think what we've always said to you at Tara even as you're getting married and you know entering a new new phase of life is always come to us like we're your parents and don't you know I know sometimes you would like be worried about telling us certain things because you were worried that either we would be worried about you or sad or or maybe we wouldn't let you like go and do something I don't know whatever it was that you I mean you could speak to that but we our Mantra is just come to us um yeah I guess it's hard it's like it's very traumatic when you're the one who put your parents through something um um is that something that you have you feel like guilty about I don't feel guilty anymore but like at the time like when you see that you're causing your parents to cry or that making their life fall apart isn't that's not easy you know it's your fault even though it's not like my fault I wasn't trying to be like a bad kid like you know it's you're the cause like that's a really hard thing to me feeling so like you don't want to burden them with anything else ever because you see what that's what that does um so even like throughout High School like I was when I had like I run I have relapses I still sometimes you know have my moments it's like I didn't want to tell them because I'm like they already went through like a henna with me with this once I'm not telling them I'm having I want them to think that I'm totally recovered and I'm good and like nothing's ever going wrong with this ever because I think like I was I was aware that they would have such PTSD from like me dealing with it that they wouldn't want to hear about me having any struggles with that um and yeah so that's so like I've been important thing for parents to know like is that if you're not well if you have a child going through anything like this like they are gonna have relapses and they're gonna have other challenges and you have to make an environment where like they they can tell you you're not gonna be like oh my God like let's go back to the therapist like what's happening like I didn't know you were struggling like like totally freak out like if you do that they're not gonna want to tell you they'll be like I'm not at that same place I'm just having a hard time like you need to make that environment very safe and not like because like then because the child wants to protect the parents feelings at that point and like that's not health healthy for the child if like you're protecting your parents feelings at the expense of like your own mental health and I love what you're displaying here which is I know the the tenth item was you know instruct your child to to bring the things to you but much much more than the instruction to the child to bring things up is that reframe that you offered Atara when Atara said that and you're like this is not something that you did to us this is not something that you caused to us that's what you said to us in the beginning because I remember like after I got diagnosed we went in the car and I was like I'm so sorry like whatever my dad's like why are you apologizing like it's not your fault like it's not something you chose yeah and that's fostering that environment that you're talking about to create a relationship with children where there's there's room and there's space for that dialogue whatever the item an issue might be yeah and as much as none of us you know ask for this for sure and could have avoid all that like those dark times but I I always feel that it's in many ways brought us much closer together I know I feel it towards you A Tower and honestly for you as well as we were going through all that you know together that it really it connected us and I felt you know in terms of a moon of that it connected me more more to Hashem that at least I I felt like in those the darkest of times that was when I felt most connected and this is a theme that emerges from any of our guests that we speak to that have worked through dark times and gotten to a place where they've emerged into the light looking back through the lens of that work the the brightest light can only shine through the darkness and when you're able to look back on that and see what it what it did for your relationship with Hashem your relationship for each other that's where you have the ability to express this gratitude I think for me I was like too young to like think like that like I was just like hey this was horrible now it's less horrible like going to high school like I wasn't liking like oh a Muna like I wasn't like thinking that way at all but like definitely like it came like I guess later on where I was like oh like it's really great like I think when everything else they're working out for me like also like when like I went from like feeling like being in this really dark place to like like being like having lots of friends and you know like you know getting married and all the other things have happened for me like then I was like wow like everything is coming like together and I think that's where the Moonlight piece came in like that knowing that like just because like something bad happens like in your life like other things it can turn around like and like it's like I would not be able to imagine at all like where I am like right now and like I'm like teaching in a high school next year like I would not have even like imagined that that's where I would have been like then like like it's just it's crazy yeah the last the last question I have uh for you Tara is this is an episode that you know parents might want to listen to with their kids they might want their uh daughters or Sons to listen to this episode if you can speak directly to whether it's the girl a young girl or a young boy who is struggling with this right now in silence and no one knows about it what would you tell them um but at their own time they should tell someone whether it's like a parent a friend a teacher like whatever they feel comfortable with um but that they sh to know that like it feels like they're the only one but they're really probably really really not just like no one talks about it um and they should know that like it doesn't have to be this way it doesn't have to like go down this path like sometimes you feel like you can't stop you're just gonna keep going until it's over um but like it can be reversed and like if you're really at that beginning stage where you can reverse it like put in all the effort that you can but if you really feel like you're beyond control at this point like really try to like reach out for help and like it might feel like the exact opposite thing you want to do but you're not happy right now and like the way to get back to being happy is by doing this thing that you really think you shouldn't be doing which is eating and getting recovery and I feel this concert who did like you're eating someone's going to tell you like no don't do this like we don't want to do this but are you happy right now like are you happy in your English or you're definitely not happy you're probably really depressed um so if you actually want to be happy don't listen to any disorder that's saying it it'll make you happy once you're at this weight and at this size and whatever because you're gonna keep lines going down it's not gonna be happy um and the only way to be actually happy is to recover and leave lead a more healthy life is it okay is it okay if we should we get a chance to go through something to retire so yes um back when when things were really bad um it was very hard to tell a tower stuff like we wanted to like boost our self-esteem we wanted to tell her how much we love her and all the amazing things that we saw that she couldn't see so um I don't know if you remember this but sometimes I would send you emails yeah because I knew she couldn't listen so I was like I'll just send her an email like you're a Tara Tara I think you're amazing you're wonderful um but I feel like um I'll let you speak for yourself Danielle but as your mom I'm extremely proud of you not just for coming on a podcast today and telling people your story but just watching you um face a challenge on a regular basis but not making it to find you that there are so many incredible things about you your personality um your beautiful inside and out and um you're so kind and you're an amazing friend and now ashadkan amazing shotgun um and I just really proud to be your mom and I love you I had to follow that but pretty much they're just the same thing and I think you know we could have imagined being here seven years ago and saying these things to you but I would even go so far as to say that maybe what you went through and emerged on the other side of tower it really allowed you to become the person that you are and do the incredible things that you're doing and we love you so much and we're just so proud that you're hopefully giving a sense of hope to people who are listening and then facing a similar struggle thank you so much Herman's Lasky um thank you thank you thank you so much thank you so much for listening to this episode of the meaningful people podcast if you'd like to get in touch with Daniel Connie Herman or Atara herself their contact information will be in the description of this episode and once again we will be raffling off a be kind Sketcher to one lucky commenter in the comments on the YouTube video you have to make sure you are subscribed and you like this video as well on YouTube but we will be raffling off a be kind sweatshirt to one lucky commenter so leave a comment it could be something simple like oh my gosh this episode was really inspiring I really loved it we'll see it we'll add you to a raffle and we'll announce the winner of The Next Episode thank you so much for listening really really important content here make sure to leave a rating review it helps our podcast be seen by more people and of course we will be back at you with another episode of the meaningful heal podcast next week can't wait see you then thank you hope you enjoyed this video from meaningful minute we have so much more content for you you may like this you may like this take your pick let us know what you think

Channel: Meaningful People

Views: 43,065

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Id: SLP8PkJd8OE

Length: 96min 49sec (5809 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 12 2023