- Trader Joe's: the great equalizer. It kept me alive back when I was broke and continues to be a shining example of how capitalism can work. (crew laughs)
It's true. Here before me is one of each of their frozen pasta entrees, 25 all told. How much did all this cost? $107 after tax. That's insane. That's $4 a bag on average, and some of these are 2.29, 2.99. So now, I'm going to prepare and taste every single one of these
25 frozen pasta entrees, rank them from 1 to 10, and hopefully not die in the process. Let's get started. First up, linguini with
pesto and tomatoes. Feels a little waterlogged, but let's see what my
mouth says about that. That's good. That's quite good. It tastes like jarred pesto, which is kind of nostalgic for me, so I'm not too mad at it. Tomatoes taste really fresh. They're like bright and acidic. They almost taste like
they were just sauteed really quick in the pan. The pasta is not mushy.
It's not super overcooked. It's got a little bit
of toothsomeness to it. Definitely not as good as something you might
get in a restaurant. Good enough where even though I have a lot more pasta to eat, I still wanna keep eating it. I think that gets it a really solid seven. I almost wanna say eight, but that feels a little bit too excitable. (air whooshes)
Gnocchi gorgonzola. This was my frozen pasta of choice from Trader Joe's in my youth. Mm. Oh man. That's so good. That's so good. The gnocchi are a little bit chewy, dense, and thick and gloopy, but I like that. You know what I will say about it is that it's super one note. It needs, like, an acid or an
herb or something like that. My nostalgia's definitely driving, guiding my hand right now. I can find very little wrong with it. It's so thick and gloopy,
but it didn't even bother me. (air whooshes)
It's an eight. They really know what
they're doing with this one. All right, so mostly because
these came to room temperature and I kept eating them, I think I need to adjust
my scores a little bit. I think that I'm a
little bit too excitable because I think that eight is far too great a score for this. Eight is, like, really
awesome, like, exceptional, and this is just quite good. It's just good. I really like it. So, I think we have to
just be more realistic. I need to be more of an adult and knock things down a little bit. So, I'm gonna bring these down one point. No more revisionist history after this. I'm calibrated. Now we have Reduced Guilt mac and cheese, and from the size of the portion, looks like it's reduced everything. Let's see how it tastes. Yeah, I mean it tastes like
reduced guilt mac and cheese. I feel less guilty. I also feel less joy. This is mac and cheese
we're talking about here. By this being reduced guilt, are you saying that your
other mac and cheeses are full guilt? Should I feel guilty for eating them? Am I guilty of eating them? No trial? No jury? Is that America? Yes. Taking into consideration
that it is reduced guilt, it is lower fat, lower calories, I would give it more,
like, a five or even a six, but like, just objectively
as a food to eat, it is a four. Diner mac and cheese not looking so great. What is going on here? What is that? What is happening there? But we're supposed to give it a stir. Let's give it a stir, see where we end up. Good stretchiness. Good stretch factor. Dig that. Like that. Enjoying that. Sounds like oral sex,
just like it ought to. It's good. It tastes more natural and more homemade than, like, a Stouffer's mac and cheese. It's got a great, like, stretch factor. Like, as I stir it around,
there's stretchiness happening, which I love. Little bit grainy. The sauce
is a little bit grainy. I don't know. It's just serviceable. It's just a workhorse of mac and cheese, (air whooshes)
which I think gets it a six. A solid six.
(air whooshes) French onion mac and cheese. What I would call a serious innovation. Hot.
(pan sizzles) Oh. You know when the, ugh, you know when, ugh. Like, ugh. Phew. That's hot. The sauce has a most unfortunate
appearance and texture, and the pasta's softest yet of the day. It's just hyper overcooked. Flavor's okay and the
texture's horrendous, so it knocks it down to a three. I'm really not a fan. Gluten-free mac and cheese. As I'm stirring it, it is breaking apart. I mean, it is gluten-free
pasta, so, like, you know, there's not gluten to hold it together. You know, that makes sense. Yeah, the noodles taste like the sum total of the starches that went in to make them. I've had good gluten-free pasta before, so I'm not gonna make excuses like, "Oh, okay, it doesn't have gluten." I've had really good gluten-free pastas, so there's no excuse. The way I've been talking
about things today, I think this gets a three.
(air whooshes) I really don't wanna eat any more of it. I'll say one thing about Trader
Joe's. They're having fun. This is the uncured pepperoni
pizza mac and cheese bowl. Oh, it is stringing good and plenty. All I taste is pepperoni, even in a non-pepperoni bite. The pepperoni is just the dominant flavor. But you're not gonna hear
me complaining about that. And then just the sauce is good. It's not grainy. It's good and gooey. I like it. There's even a little tiny
bit of heat on the tail end. I'm just catching just a little something. Like, a little ooh. Very, very easy. Very breezy. Just seven minutes in heaven. (air whooshes)
It's a seven. (air whooshes)
Mushroom ravioli, which I'd be stunned if it
didn't have truffle oil in it, 'cause it smells
distinctly of truffle oil. Very soft. Pasta's falling apart. It's definitely got that, like, chemical truffle oil vibe to it. What do you put in pool?
Got, like, a chlorine flavor. Pasta's really soft. The flavor's really one note. I don't wanna keep eating it, which I think puts it right at a four. Next up, the ricotta and spinach ravioli with tomato basil sauce. Oh, okay. The thing that immediately
hit me was airplane food. Like, economy international. Oh, there's something so
familiar about it that is so off. The spinach is, like, overpowering, like, which I never, that's mostly what I'm tasting is spinach. I don't taste basil at all. The tomatoes taste weird.
The filling tastes weird. It just tastes weird.
(air whooshes) This is a three. I don't want any more of that inside me. (air whooshes)
Fettuccine alfredo: one of my all-time a favorite dishes. It looks as advertised. That, mm. This almost tastes like a
boxed fettuccine alfredo. There's very little cheese flavor to it. Just boring. This should be easy. This should be something
that rocks, but it isn't, so it's gonna get a four.
(air whooshes) (air whooshes)
Asparagus risotto, which I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret: this is not pasta and I fully do not understand
why we're doing this. It's also a sickly green. Baby puke split pea green, but whatever. Ew! Aftertaste is gross. I
don't know what that is. All of it tastes like aspa, this tastes like asparagus. The color is really off-putting, and maybe most importantly,
it's not pasta, so (laughs) it's gonna be a one. Kendall got two - All of them that they had.
- risottos. Every risotto that they had. You know, for a pasta episode. (bag crinkles) - [Kendall] Oh. - You know, we need to
sharpen these knives. (Kendall and Andrew laugh)
(air whooshes) Oh, okay. (laughs) (air whooshes)
Stuffed gnocchi. Who would've ever thought that man would live to see the day. It says to cook it with
the sauce of your choice. I'd probably do that, but we would just wanna
review them exactly as is. It's very mild. The gnocchi texture is much more like traditionally
good gnocchi texture, unlike the gnocchi gorgonzola, which is super dense,
and chewy, and bouncy. These are tender without being too mushy. Like, they do have a little
toothsomeness to them. The stuffed middle, while
a technological marvel, is not doing much on its own, and any sauce you put this in, it would completely overpower. Flavor-wise, texture-wise,
it's in league with the sixes, but it's just so fun that
they stuffed gnocchi. (air whooshes)
All right, they get a seven. I complained about them a lot for a seven, but yeah, there it is. They're a seven.
(air whooshes) Penne arrabbiata, which
means it should be spicy. Oh. Mm. That's the best cooked pasta of the day. Super al dente. Exactly the way I like it. Would I eat an entire
plate of this? Probably. It's not bad. It's just boring. I cannot award it any higher than a six. It's just fine. It's just fine. What we have here is hatch
chile mac and cheese. It looks like the sauce
has a great texture. It's really stretchy. It's
really gooey. Smells good. I can smell the chiles, so we're off to a really good start. And I like the sauce, but I never thought I'd say this. It's too chile-y. Like, that's really all I
taste is the hatch chiles. It's got that canned hatch
chile, like, tang to it. (sighs) It's not as
good as I want it to be. (laughs) You know? Does that count for anything? It's got some drawbacks, but for the most part, texture's good, flavor's good. I think this deserves a seven. It is just doing its
job and doing it well. Next up, we have meat
style family lasagna. Family style meat lasagna. Meat lasagna? What kind? Don't worry about it. Stop
asking so many questions. Makes you ugly. Let's try this out. Let's see
what all the fuss is about. I mean, very few complaints. Oh, there's ricotta. Goddammit!
(air whooshes) Ooh, I hate ricotta in a lasagna! For a ricotta lasagna, it's not bad. It's crumbly for sure, but it's not dry, which is really the death
knell of ricotta lasagna. I wanna be generous and give it a six, but I just don't see how it deserves it. I just don't. That's a five. That's a five. I'm not deriving pleasure
from eating this. I'm just eating it and it's good. (air whooshes)
Gnocchi cacio e pepe. This looks fan (beep)
tastic, if I'm being honest. Very different gnocchi here. They're bigger, they're not rigged, and the sauce, like, it looks crazy. Like, it's very hard to make a sauce, a cacio e pepe sauce
like this in real life, so. (laughs) This is still real life,
but you know what I mean. That's fabulous. This is just, like, really super proficiently-made gnocchi. It's tender, but it's slightly toothsome. I would take it a little
more toothsome personally, but it's, like, objectively good, and the sauce is fantastic. It's thick, it's creamy, and it tastes distinctly
of pepper and romano. That's it, and that's exactly
what it's supposed to be. I might not have thought
this is from a restaurant, but I certainly wouldn't have thought that it came out of a bag frozen. It's very impressive. This is going to garner
the first eight of the day. Hats off. These are cheese-filled fiocchetti. Nicely cooked. So, okay. I'm not getting any of
the cheeses in the pasta. It's like cream with a
hint of tomato in it. So, it's basically just pasta
in cream, which sounds nice, but, like, very boring. There's nothing bad about it. There's nothing, like, "Ew, ew, ew!" It's just boring. It's a six. It's better than
dead average but not by much. (air whooshes)
Gnocchi alla romana. These are Roman-style gnocchi, which are a big old goddamn thing. Nico correctly pointed
out it's hardly pasta. It's like, is this pasta? Hmm? Very tender. Hmm. Oh my god, it's so good. (laughs) It's so good. Oh man! It's got a really great texture. It's tender, but it's really toothsome. Like, you feel your teeth sink into it without it being bouncy, or
spongy, or anything like that. It just tastes of cream
and cheese and nutmeg. The nutmeg. I'm such a nutmeg whore! (plate clinks) (teeth patter) (plate clinks) Nine. It's a nine.
(air whooshes) It just blew away my expectations of what a frozen pasta
product could be like. The flavors were all
there, the texture's there. The look isn't there. That's literally why
it's not getting a 10. If it looked dope, then we'd be having a different
conversation right now. It's a nine. Wow. (air whooshes)
Frozen carbonara? Sauce looks thick and creamy. It doesn't look eggy at all. Like, it looks white. - [Kendall] Oh no. Did you miss? - In every imaginable direction. The pancetta tastes gross. It's really funky, but not in a cured way. I don't know. It tastes like old pork. Like, it tastes like, you know, if this were in the fridge
and I was eating leftovers. I'd be like, "Oh, nope. Shouldn't eat that." The sauce is pretty tasty. Spaghetti is stunningly not overcooked. Man, I would be dodging those
pieces of pork like bullets. (air whooshes)
(bold music) Ugh, I'm inclined to give
it a four 'cause of the ham. It's the first unappetizing
thing that we've had today, where it's like, "Ugh."
(air whooshes) This is just titled Garlicky Pasta. That is its name. That is its objective. The spaghetti is, like, square in nature. It looks, like, more like a ramen noodle or something like that. This feels like a repurposed noodle. And even though I don't see
it in the ingredients list, on the photo, there are
sesame seeds on Italian pasta. Very interesting. - [Nico] I think I have an explanation. - Definitely not spaghetti. That's some kind of
Asian noodle, is it not? Nico has informed me
that this is a rendition of a San Franciscan fusion dish where the spaghetti is either cooked in or has alkaline added to it, alkali added to it to give
it a ramen-like bounce, and they've succeeded in that. It's very ramen-like. There's nothing about
this pasta that's Italian. I'm not offended by that, I don't care, but why'd you do it? You know what the only
thing I dislike about it is that it reminds me of something I would've thrown together
on my hot plate in college. Like, I would be like, "You know, soy sauce and garlic and
spaghetti probably work together." This is so weird. I'm having
such a hard time with this one. - Go with your gut.
- Go with my gut. My gut said seven, but
it doesn't feel right. My gut then says six. - [Nico] And then what does it say? - Ooh, just (beep) quit
while you're ahead, Andy. The pasta texture is awesome. The sauce flavor is good. That's all there is to it. It's those two things,
so it's awesome, good. Seven.
(air whooshes) (air whooshes)
Here we go, folks. We got ourselves sweet potato gnocchi in butter sage sauce. They've really got their sauce game down to a saucience, which is sauce science. Mm. Tiny bit too soft, but still good. Tastes of butter, cheese, and sage, and then it's on sweet potato gnocchi that have a decent texture. This is good. This belongs in the realm of the sevens. Surprisingly good. Very different. Seven. (air whooshes)
Gnocchi alla sorrentina, or gnocchi of Sorrento. Why do we call it Sorrento
and they call it Sorrentina? Why are cities called other
things in other languages? That doesn't make sense! Mm. Mm. Ah. This is the exact same gnocchi
as the gnocchi gorgonzola, so I like it, but it's super bouncy and springy. I like it. I like it. And it's in a tomato and mozzarella sauce, which on paper sounds like, "Huh?" but it totally works. Like, look at it. It's lighter orangy color
from the cheese presumably, I hope. Do I like the sauce better than I like the gorgonzola sauce? Yes. That, whatever that was,
that's what I feel about it, which is, it's a kind of a yes. What did I rate the gnocchi gorgonzola? - Seven.
- Seven? I can't give it an eight. I can't do it. It's a seven. It's a seven. Slightly better. I will say slightly better, but that doesn't buy you an eight, 'kay? (air whooshes)
Rigatoni alla contadina, which means rigatoni of the peasant, and it's rigatoni with
asparagus and broccoli. I don't know when asparagus and broccoli became peasant things! In a cheese sauce? In a creamy sauce. I can't tell if it's boring
or if I just wanna die. The asparagus is the only
thing that really has flavor. I like the nutmeg, but the sauce just literally just tastes like milk pretty much. The pasta's cooked really well. It's just so, so, so boring that it makes me militant. (water sploshes) - So sorry. I'm so thirsty! - Kendall's over there doing our piss ADR. (Kendall laughs) (Andrew claps) - What's the number, Andrew?
- I don't (beep) know, Brad! I don't know. It's like I'm taste-blind and sense-blind. - [Kendall] Would it help
if we stressed you out by doing a countdown?
- Mm. - [Crew] Five, four, three, two, one.
- 10! It's a five.
(air whooshes) That's a five.
(crew claps) - [Kendall] Wow.
(air whooshes) - Spaghetti cacio e pepe. We've already seen that
Trader Joe's is capable of making an incredible cacio e pepe sauce right outta the bag, so I'm hoping this'll be no exception. It's remarkable. It's somehow better than
the gnocchi cacio e pepe in that it's spicier. Like, I have the feeling of heat. There's more pepper in this. And the cheese is even more pronounced. And even though I just overcooked this, it's perfectly al dente. If anything, I would say overcook this, because, like, it's perfect. It's indistinguishable from
a homemade cacio e pepe, and it's better than the gnocchi. Spicier. There's more pepper. It's exactly what I want in cacio e pepe. The sauce is spicy. It's creamy. Really cheese, pecorino romano forward. I love it. I love it. I'm trying to find any difference between this and a
restaurant cacio e pepe. It's stunning. It's a 10. (Kendall gasps)
(air whooshes) It's a 10. It's a perfect cacio e pepe. (air whooshes)
Here we are, folks. The top three. Spaghetti cacio e pepe, gnocchi alla romana, and cacio e pepe gnocchi. Apparently I like cacio
e pepe a whole lot, and I'm very, very impressed
that they were able to make a really, really, really
good one come out of a bag! And also these gnocchi alla romana, they were so well seasoned. The nutmeg was beautiful,
the cheese was just right, and the texture was just mwah! And they're fittingly,
they're an eight, nine, and a first-ever 10! I have never given a 10 in my entire four episodes of doing this, and fittingly so, because I could not find
a thing wrong with this. It was perfectly cooked,
perfectly seasoned. The sauce was super creamy and gooey. The pepper was spicy,
the cheese was pungent. It was dead on perfect, except for the fact that I'm now seeing that there were apparently
three servings in this thing? Thank you so much for joining us, and let me know whatever stuff
you want in the comments. Just say whatever you want. Just say anything. (laughs) Just type. Just elbows on your keyboard and hit enter and call it a day. Thank you. (proud music)
