Rageaholic Cinema: MALONE (1987)

according to series creator Hideo Kojima Metal Gear Solid 5 is going to be hundreds of times larger than ground zero each mission offers different time zones with different playstyles wrong but razor I've never even heard of Malone part your ever-loving ass cheeks bite the throw pillow and take all 9 and 1/2 inches of this [ __ ] cover art no it's not Bob Ross the Nam years it's Burt Reynolds with a dead ferret affixed to his dumb mustache flapping majestically in the autumn breeze Eric Lee fired his shotgun at the [ __ ] food defiantly oblivious to the supernovae firing the [ __ ] off at his hoary hindquarters gunshot wound what gunshot wound [ __ ] I'm Burt Reynolds five feet 11 inches of denim plated death endeavor though you made a locate a more virile visit and all of a tease revenge cinema you may as well try calculating infinity [ __ ] Malone is the Sistine Chapel of code throttling musculature way of setting the table for KITT loads of untrammeled ladies machismo then don't put a black leather Baddeck Burt Reynolds in a clock tower with a high-powered sniper rifle I certainly haven't found it sadly as it turns out Malone's midsection isn't the only thing that's gone soft you but before he can pop a cialis and nurse a 92 hour erection it's time for a heart-to-heart with Shania shoulder pants I don't care I want out what are you gonna tell the company good boy nobody just locks away watch me and with a DS plunging into the farthest reaches of the Pacific Northwest good thinkin Malone they'll never think to look at a poetry slam but before he can so much as dawn his first ironic t-shirt his car remembers it's a Ford you push all staring women doing things great card for year 69 69 D me got socks over and I wouldn't mind slipping my penis into them right now either it's the transmission all right I'm Paul Barlow is my daughter Jill she'll be your awkward pseudo love interest for this movie alone you got a first name yeah settle the [ __ ] you two get used to that keytar riff rageaholics cuz this [ __ ] drops one-liners like Stephen Wright on amphetamines sponges growing the ocean that kills me I won't know when Steve video so and B if that didn't happen back in Mayberry it appears snidely whiplash has hatched his most a various scheme yet legally purchasing property with actual legal tender what happened to town oh they were video game developers came to town about a year ago started buying everything he could get his hands over half the towns left all two of them you know I've been thinking about you're sleeping in your Mustang we have a spare room here why don't you use it else it wouldn't judge you for the parts that the labor and the my god you're toupees bad it's like it's drawing on with permanent marker well Malone looks for a spare brillo pad to glow in his [ __ ] skull Jessica jailbait does her best impression of the NSA what are you expecting a fine here ass munch a spare mustache comb a renewable source of denim wig clip holy Christ it's the gun from Dirty Harry listen sugar tits drop the mortar cannon and back away slowly that [ __ ] thing destroyed Alderaan I'm certainly inspired to write vapid 90s grunge music but before she can return that thing to the bow of the USS Ronald Reagan as she comes face to mustache with 80s action rule number five behind every door there is a bird [ __ ] riddles he scared me you got a customer so we gonna [ __ ] after snidely hires the men in black to mow down a pedestrian the remaining cast of deliverance decide not to sell and that's when Delaney brings in his secret weapon Randy [ __ ] Orton is in my head they counseled me they understand and he wishes to make substantial contribution white guy killin rich black guy downtown high-rise both men well-to-do neither of them cops so there is a bizarro Detroit what would an 80s action opus be without a toupee quaffed pensioner buttering up a broad one nine billion tha's age he'll criminal I'm sure you could find some people what is this smokey in the ass bandit you're burnt but [ __ ] Reynolds you railed Loni Anderson back when she was still human now you're robbing the maternity ward never mind socks your [ __ ] hairpiece is collecting Social Security meanwhile in a hollowed-out volcano ours is an American cause we are determined to set this country right that is one evil dude it's just a movie son there's nobody that evil in real life but an American dream they like to realize by hiring a gaggle of toothless bumpkins to harass the townspeople at whim no one has fun now that's okay I'll just direct your window you'll drop your little panties in time I tell you do let's don't fret I might teach you some manners put your name what's getting underway gaining polite now tell me your name alone too late you're doing something mean to do that don't make me step off the path of peace by saying government yes sir all I want to do is walk the stupid path of peace to forcing me to walk the path of pieces anybody else did you enjoy that no but you were so good at the same thing don't tell that to shoryuken calm meanwhile at Castle Grayskull snidely steeples his fingers in a high-back chair and no I did not just make that up where and he conspires to ply Java the Hicks brother with moonshine and Sikkim on Reynolds in the one place he would never have any conceivable godly reason to go a [ __ ] barbershop yeah Burt what'll it be the Elmer's or the rubber cement my brother you almost killed you know he can't have children now I could be a blessing you're acting stupid said the man in the toupee sitting in a barber's chair what you got into that newspaper you know what I got isn't this how pee-wee Herman got arrested you ain't good nothing there aren't you coming no crisis averted would someone appoint Malone to secretary a state or some [ __ ] of course a few cross words from Rufus Shinra over here and he's broiled into a frothing frenzy once more charging errantly in the barber shop and [ __ ] what did I just tell you about the fifth rule of 80s action I felt a great disturbance in the force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced Jesus waterboarding Christ they're gonna have to put that [ __ ] through a pasta strainer for the goddamn dental records when the CIA see the bodies piling up along the western seaboard they do what any sensible covert intelligence organization would do throw some tits Adam ìiím could send brad.leah Robinson but that that might have undesirable ramifications especially for Bradley Robinson precisely coat the inside of a drinking glass partly transparent without taste or smell so English cuisine man death comes from the first minute of natural causes yeah definitely British food back in Mayberry the walk-in prison term braids or [ __ ] hair in preparation for a statutory serenade is open I'd like to encourage intruders they flirt they strange awkwardly edited longing glances they embrace he leads in and then remembers he's an old man with a broken dick for about 11 more years until viagra's invented not to worry thunder nibs Vanek Parral from ds9 will be along shortly to torture Malone's location out of you but I got five worth four bay doors former religious leader and eight walk with the profits child careful what's your [ __ ] wish for Malone works a shotgun like Call of Duty's intended audience works a beer bong and if you thought that rickety old beater was gonna scurry the [ __ ] away mercifully unexploded I'm afraid I've got some bad news but the worst news by far is quite literally aimed at Malone's digestive tract bundled up in the back of a cop car snidely pays the wheelman to do his best Mel Gibson impersonation and take the scenic route and what could be more scenic than the sight of a [ __ ] Mountain and if alone sincerely believed his identity would remain secret from snidely whiplash he neglected one crucial detail this is a movie this is the 80s and by god computers are magic Murphy Brown smuggles him out of the hospital and uses her crow's-feet powers to evade capture with a bad guys in room-temperature pursuit providing Malone with a valuable ally and someone he can [ __ ] without incurring a prison sentence you going somewhere yeah so I go get my car you like that car better than me he's a lot less service than you do haha we're too old to be saying these things we're turning for his wheels he has a parting handshake for his mechanic and a lube job for his pre pubescent paramour and five years don't be older so Allah machan with a preteen in front of her pops five minutes after ramming the [ __ ] out of a mega milf and speeding away in a 69 Ford Mustang Burt Reynolds ladies and gentlemen of course touching Burt Reynold's penis is like making direct eye contact with Medusa and it ain't but one scene later that Murphy brown faces cancellation not so fast princess somehow I feel you're going to tell me what I want to know I doubt it and you said we'd never review a David Carradine movie Stephen Segal hey things got a little out of hand I had to put her to sleep what do you thinks gonna happen when he finds that girl so wait the henchmen defied orders when he killed the [ __ ] so to date snidely's de Faria score card reads pay fair market value for property you wish to own and oh hey one time he hired a cop to drive badly [ __ ] sake in Phoenix the cops do that for free bad driving and paying for [ __ ] God's above I entreat they who among you can rise to quash the satanic menace I'll tell you who Malone in full [ __ ] murder mode shattering the [ __ ] out of the front gate he sets to work kicking down phone lines and stuck in [ __ ] bags when suddenly merciful Jesus he found Charles Bronson's closeted grenade in the [ __ ] out of a toolshed and suffocating the [ __ ] out of a toolbox one by one the minions of the Shinra corporation followed with a murderous mustache the baddies have just one last best hope a legend killer fires errantly into the ceiling ascending the ladder to discover that he neglected to turn off friendly fire and there isn't a word in all the tongues of men to adequately prepare you for the unbridled badassery that is about to transpire put it down so what are you gonna do him alone shoot me I don't think so wrong and with that the dick cheese stands alone mopping up his lieutenants mangled corpses snidely Skinner [ __ ] on back to his nondescript evil lady's computer shed when his suspicions are aroused by the familiar scent of mustache wax and hairpiece adhesive huge reach yeah we've got senators and congressmen in six states Richard and something will have them in every state you shouldn't be fighting me Richard we should be on the same side Richard we're so much alike afraid you're right you may be sufficiently clenched for the obligatory eighties action crescendo but I guaran-damn-tee you your buttocks are physically incapable of containing the majesty you are about to witness bottle this moment and Huff it at your leisure rageaholics oh I like to talk so that's where American agriculture went now I know what you're saying Burt Reynolds yes Burt [ __ ] Reynolds look at the man drink in that leaning tower of testosterone supplements look even if you get a cannonball running your stock at every time you hear the man's name Malone is one of the uncelebrated straight-to-video classics of the formulaic late 80s action genre rock on Reynolds bad toupee in all Reynolds not an action star wrong

Channel: undefined

Views: 120,598

Rating: 4.9580212 out of 5

Keywords: Malone, 1987, Burt Reynolds, 80s Action, 1980s, Action films, Rageaholic Cinema, The Rageaholic, RazörFist

Id: C3ZMGGxlgxQ

Length: 16min 43sec (1003 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 09 2016