quitting my first nursing job

hi guys it is Friday May 12th it's 8 24 in the morning I am just sitting in my car um at the lake I don't even know if you guys can see the water oh yeah you can see it over here it's like the water right there and it's like so crowded with like trailers and stuff a lot of people must be out on their boats I'm just sitting here after a shift drinking some coffee and I just put my two week notice in that I I'm leaving this job ldrp nurse labor delivery recovery and postpartum nurse get more into why I am leaving and stuff but I have just been really struggling for a while now and I think this is what's best for me right now and it's been really hard I just drove over to the lake and I was like I was like a sit and drink my coffee with my windows down and just kind of not only decompress from my shift but also this is like a big decision and you know I'm hoping I'm making the right decision and something that is really going to be hard for me the main thing that's going to be very hard for me is leaving some of my co-workers who have really absolutely just taken me under their wing and I cannot say enough good things about that teamwork and how kind and supportive the nurses that I work with are especially on nights it's just I feel so blessed and grateful like I feel like some of the people that I've met at my job are some of like the most amazing people I've ever met and like I hope one day I can like just be like half of the nurses that they are because I learned so much from them I asked so many questions I ask like so so many questions like every shift and none of them I mean maybe they get annoyed or bothered by it but at least they don't show it and they always help me and even some other people who are still newer like me we all help each other and things that we don't know with the amount of on-call the amount of or you know just working full time and then the on-call hours on top of it on night shift is been really hard for me and it's not even it's it's my days off of work because I'm a night person like I can normally stay up until two three in the morning like even before I did this like I've always just been a night person I feel like my dad's a night person and he would always stay up and watch movies and stuff and I think I really got that from him and I used to stay up and watch stuff with him so anyway so I'm not tired like during my shifts like or when I go in at night I'm actually like more I feel like I'd be way more sleepier in the morning I have been trying to like hold off and like push through and push through and push through and I feel like just so much pressure and I think the pressure is what I put on myself because I just have this fear that I'm disappointing everybody that I work with I'm disappointing my family and I think what like hits me so hard too is I feel like I'm like disappointing all of you guys um and that really um it really has been bothering me so that's really been bothering me because you know I just want to be I don't even know like I don't even want to say like a role model because sometimes I'm just like a hot mess um I just want to just make you guys feel like you're not alone and I do not hate nursing at all I love nursing so much I'm so happy I did it and I love labor and delivery I love it so much and I love the babies I love the moms I love building that relationship with the families I just I've learned so much I'm a completely different person than who I was this time last year I wouldn't even be able to believe what I'm doing you know I'm just I'm proud of myself for how far I've come but I think I'm like also a little bit disappointed in myself because I feel like I'm like I don't know letting myself down in some sense but I need to just focus on getting us some sort of daytime position now so I can be on some sort of schedule like my body just doesn't know when to eat or sleep like I'm down 25 pounds since I've been on nights like I don't hate nursing and I feel like there's always like people are like so negative about nursing a lot and like I feel like something that has really like kind of stood out for me which makes me so sad and like just in myself is like I feel like I am like just spread so like thin like I have I feel like I just have nothing I just feel like I have nothing left to give right now and it's so hard when you want to give like 120 you want to give like everything you have and more to your patients and it's like I'm struggling to even take care of myself right now and it's just it's so hard you know sometimes it's just so hard but it's so like I know everything is I'm gonna be worth it in the end and it's all gonna work out how it's supposed to I know God has a plan for me and like last night during my shift you know I just went into like the nursery and I was doing some charting and I just put on um Green Pastures it's one of my favorite songs and I was just like listening to it because I was like I don't even know if I can get through this like just like overwhelming and not like even just like my assignment load it was fine but it was just I think just everything is like building up and I'm still trying to process like the fetal demises and stuff I've seen and then it was really hard this morning too because [Music] um I don't think no one I there's only one person who knew that I was putting in my two weeks and so this LPN who she trained me when I was a nurse extern and I swore she like hated me at first like I think a lot of people there I don't know not like hated me but when I was a nurse extern I think they just didn't know because I was kind of nervous and like anxious like they didn't know how I was gonna do and she had come up to me you know months later when I was a nurse and she said you know like I am so proud of you you've like really surprised me um I don't know if that was like a good thing or a bad thing but um and then she came up to me this morning and I haven't seen her in a minute and she just gave me a hug and she's like I'm so happy to see you I've heard you've had some really rough shifts and I'm so sorry and she's like I'm like of course it's you know oh that Maddie had that patient or something and like I don't know I just hate even like sitting here and like I'm crying but I want to talk to you guys and I want to be real and I just want to you know like it's not always sunshine and rainbows but I'm not like gonna give up on nursing you know and I would love to eventually go back to that same hospital and work in maybe on days or go PRN or do something but with like right now I need to take care of myself and I need to make sure that I'm okay so I can be just like the best nurse and one of my best friends my nurse mom my charge nurse someone who has really just taken me under her wing I'm gonna miss her so much her name's Brandy and she her son had a First Communion on Sunday and so I went and you know she told me she goes Maddie when I saw you Sunday that was like that was the Maddie that I know and I haven't been seeing that here and you know that's what makes me it's like I'm a positive bubbly person I've always been that way I feel like I think I noticed like I was always into like positive quotes and like inspirational stuff and like middle school and I kind of just took that with me because I like that stuff makes me feel good and I want to make others feel good and I feel like I've been in just such a Negative mindset when I go into work and I don't like that you know I I feel anxious when I go to work because I'm worried about oh my goodness what doctor's gonna be the in-house tonight or what who's the doctor of my labor patient I'm gonna have to be communicating with throughout the whole night and you know with some there's gonna be good and bad doctors everywhere when you're already like on edge like I just sometimes I didn't feel fully supported in some situations by doctors but I have I cannot say anything like enough good things about the nurses that I worked with at such an amazing team I would literally trust any of the nurses that I work with to deliver and take care of myself and my kids um and I feel really just so lucky and so blessed that I got this job as a new grad and like that's why I'm like so nervous to just you know am I making the right decision but like I know like I cannot keep living like this I cannot so yeah I put in my two weeks today uh my last days again my last shift is going to be May 25th I've applied for jobs I have some ideas and stuff I'm obviously going to take you guys through the entire process of everything I guess what I have to say right now too is that I just appreciate you guys so much and I I just feel like a sense that I'm like letting you guys down in a way but I think it's like I know I'm not because I know you guys support me and I think it's just pressure that I put on myself that I have to like oh I gotta stick with this because I have like 96 000 people watching me and like supporting me which is like so crazy and it just means so much to me and it's so surreal and like little 12 year old Maddie would think it's so crazy so crazy that I have this many people watching me because that was literally like I used to watch like makeup videos like juicy star 07 and Mac Barbie 07 and I would make little videos on my old iPad and like I remember just writing in my journal one time oh wouldn't it be so cool if I had a hundred subscribers or something and like it's just so crazy and I just feel so lucky and I feel very um undeserving at times for the platform that I have and I I don't sometimes I'm like I don't know why people watch me but your guys's support has meant so much to me it's absolutely insane I talk about you guys like you're my friends and you guys are my friends I like have been able to meet so many of you guys in person when I've run into you guys which is like crazy whether it's you know in the Cleveland area when I was in Aruba I met two or three of you which is crazy like I just feel so unbelievably lucky for all of you and I hope that this is just um a new start to a new beginning for me and hopefully we're on the path of just getting better mentally so I can just get back to being happy go lucky Maddie you know um I kind of just want to come to the lake [Music] drink some coffee which I'm about to go to bed but you know coffee doesn't affect me so I'm gonna go home shower try to just decompress and that's another thing that's hard about work too is like we're so like over stimulated for like 12 hours and then you're expected to you know go home and sleep or well if you like work the next day or night or whatever but yeah so it's gonna be a little bit of a long stretch I got I was in for my on-call I got called in on my on call on Wednesday night I had a circulated section so I was there probably from like seven to midnight so it wasn't horrible um and then I worked a full 12 hours last night which was Thursday I work 12 tonight Friday I work at 12 Saturday at 12 Sunday Monday is my off day even though I'm going to be there until 7 30 a.m and then I'll sleep that whole day and then I work at 12 Tuesday I work at 12 Wednesday so I've been at work Wednesday Thursday and then I'll be there Friday Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday morning so yeah and then I think I have like three days off and then I'm on call again um so I don't it's just very it's I'm trying so hard to like live my life and do things but I feel like a constant like a zombie and maybe it would be different if we didn't have the on call and I could just do three twelves and like just be done but the on-call is like it kind of stresses me and you have when they call you you have 30 minutes to get there and I live about 25 minutes from the hospital and I remember driving in the snow and like just like trying to get there in the 30 minutes and like my car was like sweating like my stress was like through the roof and I remember just thinking like when I was driving to work I remember this night they called me they're like you need to come and we're doing two C-sections and you're scrubbing both of them and like C-sections you all know stress me so then I'm like freak it out then I have a breakdown like I just start losing it I was talking to my dad at the time um I was just sitting there eating some dinner at like two in the morning and they called and I just started bawling and my dad's like get it together you know so I just left my food I went and I left and I remember like I almost like kind of went off the road thinking I was thinking like oh my gosh like I kind of wish that would have happened so I wouldn't have to go in and like who thinks like that you know like you should not feel like that about a job I was just talking to my sister this morning too and you shouldn't be as anxious and or like you know like it's this is not healthy I think this is what's best it's been a hard decision I'd spent something I've been struggling with for months and months now probably since definitely since the fall early fall time and I was like I'm just gonna keep pushing and like you know everyone's like just try to give it a year give it a year and then you know I made it the year they're like give it two years I'm like ladies but you know I and I've tried and I've tried and I just need to do what's best for me and um I feel like I'm always so worried about everybody else and if everybody else is okay and everybody else is Happy everybody else is safe and healthy and sometimes I just need to think about me and I also need to just get more confidence on myself too like sometimes I just feel like I'm not a good nurse and it's like well I wouldn't you know I I know I'm a good nurse but I just get so in my head and I just have been really lacking the confidence in my dislikability of Nursing and um I'm just so hard on myself for no reason like I beat myself up and like we really are our own worst critic but I have noticed it so much recently that I am just so mean to myself I am so mean to myself and we always see these quotes like you would never talk to a loved one that way so why are you talking to yourself that way and it's like I cannot stand people who are mean I like I just I have zero tolerance for that and but I'm like I'm being so mean to myself like I am such a bully to myself and I have done nothing but bust my ass for literally the past five years to get to where I am right now and I need to remember that like I'm trying to like talk myself into her memory and now like I've worked so hard this journey was not easy even just the start of nursing school Maddie would be like so proud or you know after my first semester when I failed a class and had to retake it like I'd be so proud of where I am right now you know my dad was reminding me too A lot of people not everyone is going to stay in their first job for the rest of their life or even their second or their third or their fourth and that's okay and I think again that's what's so great about being a nurse and going into nursing is that there are so many things that you can do there's always going to need be a need for nurses because sadly people are always getting sick you know things we're always going to need nurses and um that's really nice for like job security and stuff now I'm just rambling on but I love you guys um I'm gonna drive home shower and get some sleep um and I will update you guys when I can hey guys so I feel like I am like super close to the camera but I have limited uh space of where I can kind of prop my camera up in my car it is Thursday May 25th 2023 it is 6 37 p.m right now just got to work except I'm not working um well I was supposed to actually but I got mandated tonight we have like four or five nurses out I think which is so crazy because I got called in for my on-call Monday morning and we literally had like I think four or five labors come in through triage and I had like the sweetest patient ever and it was really cool we had like mutual friends everything like that um and it's crazy to think that that was my last delivery at least for a little bit the birds are chirping I wanted to come on when I'm a lot crying and kind of talk to you guys so I am at work right now um originally my shift was supposed to start at seven but like I said I got mandated and coming now to say goodbye to whoever is in there for day shift and then night shift turning my badge clean out my locker get my stuff you guys are probably thinking oh my goodness this seems like all the sudden and it kind of was all of the sudden but at the same time it wasn't because it's been building up for a really long time oh I did get a iced tea um on the way like I would for like work um and I know I'm gonna cry when I go in there I'm already feeling emotional but how lucky am I to have a job where saying goodbye to my like nursing co-workers like I'm so lucky that I have a job that makes it hard to do that and you guys are probably thinking well if you love your co-workers like why are you quitting and all of these things and um I think I touched based on some things when I was like bawling my eyes out I think I haven't even looked at the clips yet I have to like go through it but I think it was a couple weeks ago when I put in my two weeks it has been just kind of like Brewing inside and I've been struggling for a really long time and I feel like there's a bunch of different things that have kind of come together to just make for me to make my final decision of um leaving and I don't think it's going to be a permanent thing I would love to be able to come back Knights have taken an absolute huge toll on me probably more than I've even realized and also working like having my shift scheduled the full time and then the on-call on top of that being on nights is just so hard to just do anything I don't know like I feel like just like simple tasks like I cannot get anything done it'll take me so long because I have no motivation I know God has a plan for me and I'm just trusting him throughout this entire process and that's what I keep telling everybody not set in stone where I'm going next but I know that God has a plan for me I have an interview on Tuesday even though this job has put me through like tested my strength put me to the limit of multiple mental breakdowns but I honestly would not trade it for anything because truly the people that I met at my job are some of the most incredible women that I have ever met in my entire life they have really taken me under their wing and taken care of me stood up for me protected me guided me educated me and done absolutely everything possible for me and I think that is something that is just making this even more difficult but I also feel so blessed that this is a little bit difficult you know I'm not just like peace out thank God I never want to see any of you again I like you know I am just I'm sad my heart hurts but I know that I cannot be the best nurse I cannot be like who I am at heart bubbly happy Maddie if I'm not taking care of myself if I'm not eating if I'm not sleeping while I do sleep a lot but you know what I'm saying I'm gonna go in turn in my little badge while I'm keeping all this stuff this is mine but my actual badge where I look like a prison inmate everyone say goodbye to this ugly ass picture of me looking like a prison inmate so I'm gonna pull it together drive over and let's take it all in and here's to the next chapter saying goodbye to my locker let me clean up my roller skates gotta get those clean this up foreign

Channel: madi's nursing journey

Views: 210,555

Keywords: Nurse, Nursing, Madi’s nursing journey, Quitting my nursing job, Rn, Registered nurse, Nursing school, Nursing major, Labor and delivery, Bedside nurse, Bedside RN, RN mental health, Labor and delivery RN, Labor and delivery nurse

Id: MLgmLYdj5YA

Length: 21min 31sec (1291 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 12 2023