Time for another Popstation watch! Hooray! Oh dear. Can you believe they're still knocking these things out? And they're still making them look like existing consoles to fool gullible twits. Oh yes. Today we have, for your delectation... [He hums the Jaws theme tune] It looks like an original Xbox! You know, the ridiculously out of date one. Yes. Right, what have they called it this time. "X-changeable LCD game pack". Yes. "4-ways action game". What does that mean? I have no idea. And here we can see, quite clearly marked out... ...the typical Popstation games. There is Soccer. And there is the motorbike one. There is some big ugly unit... ...that's supposed to look like an Xbox, and vaguely does. There is a ridiculous fake controller. "Plug n' Play system". "Angle adjusting screen". "Retractable cable controller". "Progressive graphic". No, I'm not gonna do that joke. And "Realistic Sound Effect". Again, not going to do that joke. Right, quick look at the back. Oh god. What games come with it? Uh, "City Fighter". Yep, it's the old Street Fighter pull-your-arms-off game. "Space Guardian". Can't even remember if I've seen that one or not. Looks like a crappy into-the-screen half racing half shooter thing. "Soccer Champion". Oh, he's a champion these days. It still has the bizarre cheerleader ra-ra girls at the bottom. You know, just like you don't get at a soccer match. "Motorbike Race", yeah, and good old "Submarine Invasion". How I haven't missed you. Go on, instruction manual's printed on the back, by the look of it. Well, it says "Instruction Manual". "How to change game?" "Turn off the power before to change the game." "Push down the top two display outlets then pull out the display from the console." Hmm, high-tech. "Put the bottom part of the display into the display cabinet then push it clicked into place." I'll remember that. Obvious buttons. Forty eight paragraphs on how to stick the batteries in. Well, I've already done that. Not suitable for children under 3 years of age due to inherent crapness. Yeah yeah. "This product would need reset by manual under a strong electro-static environment." That's something to look forward to. Quick shot of the sad onion. It's traditional. Alright, let's open it up. Here's the games. Oh dear. That's not good; There's a bit of rubber fallen off something. [He laughs] First time I take it out of the box. Brilliant. Um, which one did that come off? This one. Yes. Marvellous. Can that slot back in there? Yes it can. Wow, that's the entirety of the electrical contacts, there. Literally two things. Hmm. Ok. Right, I've put in the batteries. Two AAs. Slightly chunky unit. Almost feels as if it's got something in it. I'm sure it doesn't. Retractable controller. Oh, grief, I feel like I'm breaking it! Hmm, it's not very retractable. It only comes out that far. Hmm. Fake controller ports. Lovely. Quite nice embossed thing, there, very, very similar to the real Xbox one. From years gone by. Ok. I haven't turned one of these on yet. And I'll tell you what... ...I don't really want to. Right. There's the game. This one will be Submarine Invasion, by the looks of it. Let's peel off the horrible thing, there. And, uh... Yes, the "on" button is on the controller. Let's go crazy! [The game beeps some music] Oh, it's the South Bank Show! [It continues to beep] Actually, it is the theme from The South Bank Show! [He laughs] Wow. Oh, I've just noticed there's nothing on the screen. Now there's something happening, is there? [It beeps and buzzes] Oh, yep. There we go. Marvellous. Start. Uh, everything's disappeared off the screen now. What? I can barely see what's going on. I'll apply some pressure. Yeah. Ugh... Yes, it doesn't hold the screen in properly, so you can't see what's happening. Oh, good, these just get better and better, don't they? Off. I think it's off. Let's remove it. Good Lord, it doesn't want to come! Great, pull my fingernails out on that. Go on, where's the one I don't know whether I've seen or not. Hah, genuinely can't remember. Space... shooty guardian, or whatever it was called. Go on, away you come. In ye go. Hmm. It doesn't want to go in. Um... Moon men. Bare with me a second. I'm gonna need all my strength for this, and possibly the strength of several other people. Get in there, you swine. The plastic isn't very well moulded. Right. Don't call it a comeback! Let's see what this one's like. [A very annoying tune starts] Oh, I can see what's happening. It looks rubbish. Really annoying music. Ok, we're sort of flying along, shooting at things. Um... Oh, I haven't started it yet, I wondered why it didn't seem I was in control. Ugh, South Bank Show, yes. We all love Melvyn Bragg. Get on with it! I'm trying to play this with one hand. You can imagine how well that's working. This looks slightly more advanced than the other Popstation games in that you can actually see what's going on. That is a new one. I'll tell you what. Let's use the - [crack] - Oh! Oh, my goodness. I was going to say "use the patented angle screen", but I think I just snapped it moving it. Ok, let's use the power of zoom! Ooooohhh! Power of autofocus would be nice about now. Focus! Focus, go on! You know you want to! Go on! There's a fiver in it for you. [Cheesy, probably public domain music] [It continues] [It's intensely irritating] Aaahh, ok. This is the best I'm going to get. It won't focus on anything closer in. I'll tell you, before long I'll be filming these in a dark cellar with a pinhole camera. Right, let's turn it on. I can't even remember what game it is now. Oh, it's this one. Yep, that's just the sort of music I'd expect for an intergalactic space battle. Start! Please shut up. Here we go. Duh-duh-duh-duuhh! Yeah! Eat my small, badly-defined missiles. Well, this is exciting. Um... As far as I can tell, they're firing Hola Hoops at me, or something. Dum-di-dum-di-dim. I'll tell you what, though. This is at least 40 times better than the other Popstation games because you can understand what's going on. Unlike, for example... ...our old favorite... ...oh yes... ...it isn't a Popstation review unless we get to see this... ...if I can find which one it is. Here we are. Street Fighter! Or City Fighter, or whatever the want to call it this week. In it goes. In it doesn't quite click properly. And... Wait for it... Away! Oh, it's just like the old times, and I hated it then. No, I can't bring myself to play it. We all know what happens! Make it stop! Just as a matter of interest... Ah, man, I'm gonna need new thumbnails after this, for sure. No, I'm not going to show the soccer game. We've all felt the pain of that one. What about the motorcycle game? Wasn't this the one that was on the Polystation 3? Where the sound didn't work. Oh dear. [He coughs] Just in case you missed that. A small piece of plastic just exploded off the case and ricocheted off my face. Fantastic. These are getting more and more dangerous. Why won't this go in? Probably because it's not been moulded out of the plastic properly, but go on! Ah. [Snap] Oh! [He laughs] My goodness, the other one's just come off now! I don't even know where that's gone. Probably find it in my throat, later. Well, that's never going to work, is it, because there's nothing to hold it in now. Wow, real quality, this one. Oh, here's the bit of plastic. Excellent, I'll put it with the collection. I wonder, if I hold one hand on it... No, that's not quite working, really, is it? You can almost see something. Oh, no, hang on! Yep, look at that. It still works even though all the plastic's smacked off. Stop playing that music! Cursed thing. Right, off we go. What's happening? Oh, no, it's doing that thing where it's playing the wrong game! It's playing the, um... ...Space Guardian game thing. Except with the graphics from the Motorbike game, so it doesn't make any sense. Is that because it isn't pushed in properly? Or is it because it's just rubbish? We had this with the Neo Double Games, didn't we? Oh, good grief. I'll tell you what... Let us try again... The one that came with it, that was already in the packet. Actually, I don't know, is it this one? They're not marked, are they? Let's shove it in and see what happens. Yep, that's it. Submarine Invasion, that was it. No, still nothing. Ah, there we are! So, this is a two player game, because you have to get a friend to hold the screen in so you can see it. These things just keep getting better and better. Warning: May not be fact. Well, there we go. Another jolly Popstation Watch... ...and another thing that makes me want to smash everything with metal in in the world to pieces. Marvellous. [The same public domain music starts again] [Ugh] Hmm, thanks for that. Ok... I think this might be the worst Popstation yet, and that really is saying something. I mean, via the medium of the sad onion... ...the packaging warns us that this is not for children aged 0 to 3. Yeah, 'cause 4 year olds love breaking their thumbnails off then having shards of plastic fired in their face, don't they? This is the first one that actually is a health hazard, I think, and that physically attacks you. Oh, dear. The joys of the Popstation. So, in conclusion... It's not very good for games, but it does make a pleasing bouncing sound as you throw it in the bin. Subtitles by IDCSubs
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