This video is cringe overload. If
you guys have any protective gear, I recommend getting it out now.
This is like a fatal dose of radiation - like you might feel okay at first,
but you will be dead in three days. A painful, slow death.
This is a Guru from Poland. Now, he does this thing, you guys
may have heard of it, the POWER OF VISUALIZATION, which means, like,
if I imagine hard enough getting Oprah pregnant, you know, whatever.
-Is that your life goal? That's my life goal. If you imagine
it hard enough, it will happen. -There's like a tiny bit of
*Hila Laugh* Alright! Let's hear it!
-There's a tiny bit of, like, a good message -in there, where it's just, like, you need
-to know what you want
Oh. -It's easier to get there, maybe?
-Like you've got to be focused So, you're taking a very practical, realistic
approach, but you're missing the point. It's actually, their point is: "This is magic." Think about fucking Oprah, and she will be in your bed.
*Hila Laugh* So, I've been thinking about fucking Oprah for
a long time now, and so far, it hasn't worked, so. -I didn't know you were so obsessed with Oprah
Dude, I looooooooove Oprah. [Porno Music Overlayed by Screaming Orphans] Lucas Jakóbiak isa guru in Poland,
and his dream - his ultimate dream - is to be on the Ellen show. I
don't know what kind of dream that is, but to each of us, it's our own.
*Hila Laugh* And so, what he's done, guys -
well, let me just show you because it's floored me, personally and I
think you are gonna be shocked by this. Let's have a look. Basically just spam the shit out of everyone.
I'm making a visualization level up, and what What I mean by that is, I'm begging all of you -
anyone out there - please spam this to Ellen! He essentially fakes getting a call from
Ellen and builds a whole fake set hires a bizarre-o, broke-ass, goofy-looking
Ellen look-a-like, and, and orchestrates this huge show like he's on Ellen(™)!
It is bizarre -He built the same set. Ellen(™) is gonna be freaked the fuck
out. when she sees this video, she can't
wait to meet you. -It's so crazy that he makes this so
candid like, 'Oh I'm just randomly -getting a call right now"
[Affirmative Grunts] It's all real as can be, guys. Dude, you're really selling it. You're, like
shaking, you're hysteric. It's not real, it's just a -fucking- it's just
a sketch! This is isn't a visualization level
up, this is- this is insane.
- Insanity level up Yeah, this is actually a 'You're losing your
mind" level up -that's what's happening. -'Call the Psychiatrist' level up stuff.
'Call the Psychiatrist, emergency," level up! Fuck! [Heavy Breathing] In his mind, he's like, Ellen(™)'s gonna watch
this and wanna invite me. She's like, 'Lock my doors.' 'Lock and close the windows!" [PERFECTLY NORMAL] [Royalty Free Music] You actually Instagram'd it?
Is this a fantasy anymore? Do you know this is a fantasy?
-I think he doesn't understand the concept -of social media.
I don't think he understands the concept of reality.
*Hila Laugh, Produce of the People's Republic of China* [Poppy Music & False Ellen]
----My next guest is, we will see each ----other for the first time, well, maybe
----not really. He says the best way to ----accomplish dreams is to visualize them. ----and he did something more, it is
----visualization to the next level. He was dreaming ----to be a guest on my show. Can you fucking believe this goofy Ellen?
What is this? Look at this, like, chubby, broke-ass, dollar store Ellen. Why is there - there is a giant
shit in the background. It's like a giant piece of shit in the back corner. It's a giant
-What kind of prop is that? It's a giant human shit. Why did you visualize that,
*Hila Laugh, Patent No. 387793* there?
----Watch this. [Fake Applause]
----He managed to talk Lady Gaga into ----taking a photo with him, he met the
President of Poland in his studio apartment, and when nobody wanted to hire him,
he hired himself. Okay, so, buys, what you're experiencing
right now is - he is showing footage of the show that hasn't happened yet.
-He can move in time. Do you know how time works? It
didn't happen yet. This goes here, dude! This doesn't go here. Time doesn't
work like that! ----My guest came all the way from
Poland, Lukas Jawkoviah! (Actual Spelling) [Fake Cheering, Laughter] It's not the real Ellen(TM, by the way), dude.
It's just a fucking dumbass actor whose hair you cut and dyed. [Frightening Cackling]
----How should I pronounce your name? ---Uh, you can call me Lucas. But exactly it's Łukasz.
----Okay, I will stick to Lucas. ----So, you are a YouTuber?
---Yeah, and a motivational speaker. ----I heard you gave a lecture for 30,000 people at
----the stadium, you must be good at this. ---It's the reason why I'm here!
[Nervous Laughter] You're not there. You're not there!
*Hila Laugh, Member FDIC* ---It's the reason why I'm here!
[Uncomfortable Laughter] You must not be good at it. I don't know what that means. That it's embarassing for you. [Please Help] -This one is the weirdest thing.
This one is the weirdest thing that anyone has ever done. There's videos of people that eat shit.
People like shoving shit in their mouth. and eating it, and then they puke, and
then they eat that up. [Only God can save you now.] This is weirder than that.
-Yeah. ----So I've heard you worked on this project for two years? ----Actually, almost three years. So, how did
----you manage to find an actress? ----who could be me, and by the way,
----Beata is here with us, so welcome her. ----Applause
[Applause] -----I'm here.
----Alright. Whooooaaaah [dude], this is getting
meta! Wait, what? -----I'm here.
----Alright. So, okay, you got this fantasy world
where they've already done this fake one, but this is the real one.
-Ohhh, so that's they were showing him on the screen. But that shot is from this video.
-Yeah! ----By the way, Beata(Beatrice) is here with us, so welcome her
----Applause. -----I'm here.
----Alright I can't even believe this, dude. This is like
a psychological thriller. This isn't motivation, this is a psychological thriller. Same actress
is sitting in the audience *watching*, which is the second time they've met,
it's the real time, times are colliding. Worlds are colliding What is happening? [Inception Horn]
----Make reality work the way you want it? ---When I was young, I had crossed eyes.
---Everybody laughed at them and trust me I felt terrible and this had a big impact on my life. And one day, I stood up, and I said,
'One day I will show you.'
[Distortion, Fake Laughter] [Music Swells]
...And I fucking killed all of them. I killed all of them. Thirty kids, they're in graves now, okay?
And let me just remind you Ellen, he looks, gonna turn to look to the camera -
let me remind you, Ellen(™ or something), [AAAAHGGHGGGGH] That if you don't invite me on your show,
[Kill 'em. Kill 'em all.] I will also find you because I get what I want.
[Heinous Laughter] [Take that rifle.] ----Okay, so you're showing all of us
----everything is possible. ---Because that's true ARRRGHHH!
[Drugs Kick In] [Sound of Human Suffering] I don't like these gurus. They're such -
they're full of such shit. Like, you could get anyone could get anything they want. It's true.
[They are becoming one.] You're a living example it's not! You're sitting
*Hila Laugh, Sponsored by Horizon Wireful* on a fake stage, dude, you don't get what you want.
And Ellen(™) will never have you on her show! Ever. Not everyone will ever get
what they want. -Yeah, also, he seems pretty unstable.
[He rises] I think he best thing people can do is:
the sooner they realize that they won't get everything they want in life, the better off
they are. I'm a Guru, by the way. I'm a Guru now. ----What is the story behind this photo? Why
----are you on crutches? Did you break your leg? ---Oh no, I didn't. In 2010, I created a project on the subject of equal rights. To promote the project, ---I wanted to meet with somebody who was fight for equality, and I decided on Lady Gaga. Also, I thought it would be more effective
if Lady Gaga saw the face of the fool that flew four thousand miles to meet her. So I stuck photos ---of my face on the wall. This is getting weeeiiiird. This is getting creepy
for Lady Gaga. ---Small enough to get past security, but it
---could become large enough while I was inside ---to get the Lady Gaga's attention.
----Oh Lucas! ---Blow up present balloons. The plan was to attach a letter to it, pump it up and throw it into the audience,
and the audience will naturally carry it to Lady Gaga ---who, after seeing it, would invite me to meet with her.
----So you stuck the photo, balloon, anything else? ---Yes. Yes, yes, Anthrax. Yes, I put poison. Poison gas. This is encouraging to Ellen(™), right?
-Yeah Like, Ellen's like, 'Okay, so this guy's insane,
I know that, and he's also a stalker, he's creepy, obsessed stalker, let's get
him on the show. Let's bring him out.' ----Okay, so did she invite you to the back stage?
---Yes and no. Yes and no? Uh huh. Sounds like a no.
-Sounds like, no, but I took it as yes. Sounds like security was called on me and
I was escorted out. Kind of yes, but no also. ---The concert ended and I went to the
---back of the venue and I was waiting for two ---hours, suddenly, I saw a car, with the picture of myself.
---I started doing the Jumping Jack Wave and ---to get her attention and, to my surprise,
---she stopped the car. [Inappropriately Loud Laughter]
---I asked to take a picture with her. ----And...
[Laughter and Applause Continue] Like, it's creepy within creepy. He set up a
fake Ellen(™) show, and inside that he's talking about how he stalked Lady Gaga.
There's levels to this shit. This is creepy inception. [Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn] ----What about this photo?
---That was my Plan B. Just in case, I went to ---the Wax Museum, in the worst case, I would send photos with her wax figure. [Laughter]
----You already have one with me? ---Yes, I have.
[Terrifying Laughter] ---He's unbelievable.
[Laughter & Applause Continue] This is not cool!, Ellen(™)'s not gonna look
at this and be like, 'I wanna hang out with this guy.' What did you understand that you just told
that you stalked Lady Gaga? Now, you're showing a photo of you breaking into her
house and taking a picture next to her in fucking bed as she sleeps! How is that endearing you
to Ellen(™)? -And then, what is the picture supposed to say?
-'We just had sex?' Or, 'I broke into your house.'
*Hila Laugh, Colored in Technicolor* No good. Everything's bad.
----He's unbelievable! ----You know, Lucas, you can't do this.
---Well that doesn't mean you can't do this. ----You know what I mean. He's unbelievable! Ah, he's such a loveable,
unbelievable nut. I'd love for you to actually break into my
house and rape and murder and capture and picture me in my bed. The real
Ellen(™) would be like, 'This is wildly inappropriate, dude, you need
to be on Dr. Phil, not the Ellen(™) Show.' 'You need to be getting a diagnosis right now.' ----What is the story behind the interview with Anastasia, one of your favorite singers? ---When I was 17, I had a song, "I'm outta love",
---by Anastacia and I fell in love. 15 years ---later, I heard Anastacia is coming to Poland
---for a concert and I said to myself, 'Oh my Got! I need to have an interview wit her!' It's going to be so cool when I show her with a picture of the interview. ----How did you manage to have this 'Interview?'
----Because, we know you did. ---Friday morning, someone told me she is landing
----in Poland at 3:30 ----Secret informer?
--- Yes exactly Stalker, you're a stalker.
---...buy a ticket from Poland to Bulgaria and from ---Bulgaria back to Poland
[One Guy Laughing Way too Hard] You're fucking creepy, that's disturbing!
There's something wrong with you. -Oh my God, why is bragging about this?
You should be embarrassed, this is humiliating - this is embarrassing, this is dangerous. Possibly illegal.
You just fetishized famous people and stalked them. That's all you do, dude. Doesn't inspire me.
And the fact that, in your mind, this is gonna amaze Ellen(™) is on new levels of insanity.
*Hila Laugh in Stereo* She(™) is scared of you, dude.
-If I was her(™), I would be pretty terrified that -he found what flight she is on. Because how
-can you find that out? Yeah. Possibly hacked into her email?
-Yeah Illegal, Illegal! Whatever it was, it was illegal. ---- Lucas, this is stalking you know, and it
----is a criminal offense. ---But I knew! Even in his fantasies she(™)'s in there berating him!
-That's just rationalizing doing something wrong. -He's admitting this on a script. This is stalking you know. It's criminal
Right. and he's like 'But I knew,'
-that I will still get to talk to her(™), which makes it fine. ---But I KNEW! That she was 2 hours, she
---would be at the same aircraft as me. ----Yeah, because she will run away, yeah.
---SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO RUN FROM IT. [Reeling in Horror] [Violent Coughing] [Violent Coffee] [Violent Coughing]
-Oh my God! 'She won't run away!' -That sounds terrible!
[Wet Thud of Ethan Hitting the Ground] -Get inspired, dude, what's wrong with you?
I need to fuck Opera, dude. ---And how we persuade her to do the interview?
---It was important to sit next to her, so, at ---the check-in, I said to the lady,
---'I will be going back for hours, I would love to sit ---'next to my friend.'
---'So what's the name of your friend?' ---'Newkirk, Anastasia Newkirk.'
---'Mmm, your friend has seat 1A, I can give you 2A.' ---'Mm, yes.' Dude, that's not funny. That's criminal. That's so creepy!
-Oh my god. And the fact that you're going and bragging about this is so disturbing! That's so creepy! That's so wrong. That is so wrong.
-Imagine the girl that he is talking about, and she -Watches the video and realizes what he's done?
She'll feel dirty. -Yeah.
I'd be taking a hot shower. ---When I arrived to Bulgaria, I didn't want to seem
---creepy. I wanted her to be comfortable and I ---decided to behave this is a coincidence,
----And you were not creepy at all. ---...And it won't be creepy at all. I saw her and I said,
---'Anastasia, what are you doing here? We met 15 ---years ago! What a coincidence!
----It seems to me there a no coincidences in here. Stalker. You are a stalker ----...in your life, Lucas.
---She even agreed to take a picture with me and ---I was like,
---'Anastasia -thank you- Anastasia, but I have my ---own talk show, my dream is to have an interview
---with you it's fate and finally she agreed. This turned into a lighthearted goof,
but, I'm actually very concerned for this guy. I mean, this guy should be in prison. This is fucked up.
I'm scared of him. And I'm scared of the people that actually look up to this guy. He's just a
professional stalker. And he's making it like, trivial, and fun, and cool, and charming.
But this guy found out what flight she's on, somehow, went to the stuardess, lied about being her
friend, and coerced her into putting him next to her so he could trap her for 2 hours
into doing an interview. I am - I'm gonna get, like, a preemptive restraining order on him. -Yeah, no way.
I think everyone in the world should get a preemptive restraining order on him.
I think, if I was Ellen(™), I would get a restraining order. I would straight-up restraining order him.
-Yeah. Might even have to take him out. Just to preemptively
*Hila Laugh, Brought to you by Bosco. take him off the planet. Dude, Ellen would push a button
-She probably has the power to do that. and people would disappear , dude. She's the real
King Pin. -I hope no one actually finds this inspirational, because
-it's just - if you do that - it's creepy. That's a good point. I feel like this is the wrong
message, this is a bad message. And he's kind of, creating a community for these
insane people who think this kind of behavior's are, like, normal and acceptable. And he's encouraging them.
-It's one thing to be persistent and try, but this -is just-
You need to understand social boundaries. -Yeah.
You cannot, fucking, creep on people like this, like this is -goes beyond that. This is a symptom of a [Inaudible Dialogue]
of a real sickness in this world, the fact that this guy [Inaudible Dialogue]
has any fame at all, and his whole message is just [Inaudible Dialogue]
Being a professional stalker is really disturbing. That being said, Oprah, if you're out there,
[Piano Music] [Piano Music]
you know where to find me, and I wanna put a baby in [Piano Music]
you. I wanna fuck the shit out of you. You're [Piano Music]
large, you're beautiful, you're in-charge, I'll be your [Piano Music]
little fuck-boy, you're little twinky, I'll shave my body, [Piano Music]
and do whatever you want me to do. Everybody [Piano Music]
get this in front of Oprah, and Oprah, I'll be at your house tonight. Like that's creepy!
[Music Cuts Off Abruptly] [Music Resumes]
But actually, it's real. [The Chains of Argth Falling] [Outro]
Is it just me or does fake Ellen's voice seem dubbed? I'm surprised Ethan didn't notice.
The story about him stalking the singer on the flight really sounds like something Dennis from Sunny in Philadelphia would do. "She won't be able to run from it" sounds exactly like something he would say.
"Mom, Ellen invited me on her show!"
"How come?"
The mom was not in on it.
a new low for "stroking your own dick"
How the fuck did he copy stage so well, and why is nobody talking about that? That's some Hollywood shit there.
I fear when Ellen see's this, she will invite him on her show, and he'll claim that was the plan all along
Real Ellen should have an impersonator of this guy on her show.
r/crappyoffbrands
He's not guru, he's some small time polish celebrity vlogger.