please don't destroy an snl compilation

[Music] oh i'm gonna have a drink yes sir what you zipping on oh probably just a hard seltzer nice what kind of jc penny the department store your boss i'm sorry do you think he could give us like a smile or something it's just feeling very like blood right hey when do you want me to smile because i don't know just when you're talking about the brother and stuff i hate thinking about roy's beautiful daughters growing up without a dad what flavor is it men's jackets it's not all men's jackets it's a variety pack i'm sipping on belts and ties does it taste like belts and ties no it tastes like grape are you stupid running the house oh batman oh you're drinking jcps you know it you know about this got some selters myself jiffy lube lube it up cheers man good to see you what is going on come on everyone's doing it jcpenney jiffy lube exxon verizon dr riccardi who my dentist to me that break test test test test okay so it's not an equipment problem so it feels like i feel like i'm almost screaming i'm not picking it up so [ __ ] actors last night i found myself walking down the sidewalk just like pushing two gorgeous italian twins in a double wide stroller i'm like hi whose kids are these understand why you like these you don't have to understand everything yeah like we don't understand what you see in your girlfriend what we don't get angry no we don't yell at you no am i awake i was like at the summer variety pack oh nice this is awesome brother roy he was he's gonna be great every i miss my brother roy so much every day you have to be you gotta go up one here is it like is this not like a cartoon you have to be like hey hey there's dynamite in the bank and john do you want one take one hmm oh i hate when these get in there is that a belt buckle yeah the jc penny ones sometimes they get in yeah stop slurping like that just chill out oh who's this an impression of oh john john me yeah it's john oh yes his shirt working for you it's not working for anybody guys can we give him a shirt i mean something bright this is sad people i miss my brother ryan hey how are you guys pretty good good buddy how's it going yeah good how you doing oh good coming out i'm not an actor i'm not a celebrity you two are sick it's not you guys are actually sick let's go i'm hungry you're hungry i don't look good enough why would there be a jazz friday i don't know what is that it's stupid stupid okay give me that throat what yeah for you i'd like another treat [Music] man i don't know if we have more treats for you seriously dude fine well in that case i guess i'll just be on bad behavior mommy kidding me mr robot to the mets game at citi field we're going to the mets game at city [Music] [Music] that can only mean one thing i'm gonna freak out be careful do not touch the roof give me more treats oh sure i'll give you a treat give you a one-way trip to hell oh martin oh you look like a mix to tweezers no lord get one shot do not miss your chance to blow i can't believe that say a word about my family and i'll have your neck oh my god i love roasts this is awesome are you guys ready yes we're [ __ ] ready for the roast yes i'm trying to say is that you look like a mix between ron weasley and big bird and we've come back in time to deliver you a grave warning in the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable first of all hello uh can we talk about this first because this is crazy how are our lives going are we rich oh ben i was i had to ask are we rich no actually in a lot of debt oh death thanks man yeah no problem oh god am i not killing tinfoil garbage can doesn't make any goddamn sense yes it does i'm keeping the tracks warm so it doesn't go bad and get cold or starting to stick who the hell are you were you from the future [Music] what do you mean martin and i have been talking and we're not going to play for the la lakers but if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction care what if you're what i'm working towards i'd honestly rather just die now did you guys know this the whole time i i didn't take my sats oh my god what dude what did you take the sat i mean who do you think you're fooling with that wig what wig what wig what did you only age from the forehead down show some respect they'll be asking stop what the hell happened why are you like way more italian than i am oh wait why are you talking like talking like what this is a tragedy dude i turned into paulie walnuts guys we're going to rutgers in the fall [ __ ] you congrats [ __ ] no i mean this is what happens to me i get divorced so hard i start dressing like jared leto you have way too many accessories for a man over 17. and then you look at this guy and it's just like oh ouch john have you looked at your body do you think that's the body of an nba player i'm not kidding you ben if i'm being honest i do i rarely watch the nba i have no idea what their bodies look like john buddy you don't even play basketball i said we could practice tomorrow after graduation i'm free all day ang um it's me yeah it's john you um you no why are you saying that what am i doing dude i'm freaking out say what you said earlier something else yourself look the stars went out remember that girl i was talking to at the bar last night the one i was like really gelling with yeah yeah looked her up on facebook turns out she's casey anthony no i message her no no never liked you in the first place girl what did she say you got to bail me out you want me to talk to fail me out talk to her tell her i'm sorry please hi angie hey uh sorry i don't know what's going you no oh my god you loser no why doing it too yes i hate all of what you're working with no what is going on hey martin yeah do you remember when i offered you guys all of the food in my mom's fridge yeah that was actually the biggest lie i've ever told in my [ __ ] worthless life not even the cherry tomatoes you got like a hundred in there not even the ice cubes [ __ ] um how y'all doing no dude your face did you get botox oh you guys can tell yes yeah i just got a little touch-up what this was intentional not an accident we're looking for a new first chair violinist so so we'd like to offer the position to you and we're also looking for two mediocre percussionists but you probably couldn't help us with that no i love you love you too you look like you drowned i feel like i'm at your wake you look embalmed i asked for the shallow man is that coming through no hi buddy hi man hi my sick little guy looks like your toes dipped [ __ ] and i paid top dollar for this thing how much 150 bucks that's not enough not enough face botox that sucks i'm sorry get well soon that's nice thanks i'm not going to oh right yeah did i get a tattoo last night what in daffa spring break colonial williamsburg 2037 why would i get that tattooed dude well it's you know something to look forward to oh yeah you're right dude this is so bad i'm sorry what did you do oh my god what is with your finger oh yeah i got some work done myself you got longer fingers oh my god we are not making this about my fingers oh hey what's good oh you or me you go okay oh great i was just wondering if they could assisted suicide you here john well now you look like the babadook wow martin how about you go don't touch my mouth oh no no wow you look like pan's labyrinth do i do this that's pam oh yeah um can you guys assisted suicide me no do you have like a gun no i don't have no i don't have a gun you don't have a single gun why would i have a gun this place sucks she's the worst quick question is this about us which part i guess the three sad virgins part yeah cause like we have had sex maybe not super recently but guys it's just a parody video you guys are just playing characters characters yeah so it's people won't think it's a poor it's not about you at all the names of martin ben and john now i've got a migraine so that's great dying and i have a migraine we love it i love it i just had one like tiny thought this guy's notes leave it as is it's rocking dude hey do you have an ashtray by any chance oh yeah my only thing is maybe it could just be like completely different oh okay maybe it's something topical like dune's a big movie oh something with dunes a dune wrap all right yeah all right guys it's now a dune wrap so let's get some sand in here yeah all right podcast oh that's it yeah it's a neon bass dirk on drums rexxon guitar that's a band what man why is he humiliating us ben why are you dressed as wendy from wendy's keep made me do it zoltar you just like a regular ass dude [ __ ] yeah so what do you need all that money for whippets oh my god i just remembered no joke i blew 400 on ice cubes alone at the club last night dude you got to get better with your money man they kept melting i do this anymore okay it's humiliating damn guys i'm sorry i i thought this would be a fun thing for all of us if it's not then let's just end it thanks pete thank you pete i mean after we do the bridge wait what bridge hey pete oh hey taylor no no no no no no martin you want a dollar boy do i send me a shirtless picture uh uh no come on here's the dollar anyone i'm cool just a friend thing i know it's just one of those friends things to take the shirts off in front of a girl yeah that's accurate true all right i'm sorry i'm sorry anyways i'll tell you i don't think we're comfortable doing that seriously it's just like not one of our things hey mark um who is that i'm sorry this is my friend connor kahn these are the guys i was telling you about what's up hey hey connor if i got tapas would you want in oh yeah the usual what do i owe you oh don't worry about it you got the uber last night okay martin explain one more time we go sweet caroline bones perfect i got you a gig at subway sandwiches i got you a big t-shirt you can sleep in courtesy of marty scorsese is that something you would be interested in connor i got your email i love that update joe let's drink some messy oops drop your water boy robbie mate got you doing a bit of sucking and [ __ ] down under that's right it's the new kangaroo jack we saw a navy from the movie avatar yeah from the movie avatar just like a normal dude taken out of the strat you didn't what'd you say navies aren't real so i guess that means there's no more competition yeah and i guess if there's no more competition we can be best friends again [Music] i got beers yeah i actually just like wanted to chat one-on-one i don't know if you it's an alien from a movie i'm gonna knock your teeth out is he one of the navies or is he one of the avatars like is he controlled by another dude somewhere else or is he like his own thing you mean he's in the station and he's just plugged in with his spirit break yeah like the guy in the wheelchair with the with the weird leg shakes the only thing i'm thankful for is that i'll be dead soon martin martin sits down oh my god he took the salad like a maniac i just wish there was like some way we could bring his parents back we need to fix this why it's not our fault they're allergic to carbon monoxide no john ever was all over me until she told me that i looked like a smell yeah i got kicked out of the club last night because i kept asking the dj to play my favorite youtube video 10 hours rain sounds best quality youtube subscribe peaceful sounds like it but not meant for a club why did bill de blasio just filming me five dollars oh i remember i got baptized last night like a lot sucked his toes hey casey it's me martin i was the guy in the glasses in the too small zoot suit you want to meet up for drinks sometime and you can tell me how you did it is that good want dad mom hi son hi martin i thought you guys were dead oh all those years racked with guilt over leaving the car running in your bedroom hey uh dunkin donuts yes martin can i get a box of joe for me and my boys will you make that two two boxes joe um i'll have one too uh make it two okay so that's four actually i don't want any i'll just have some sips of yours they're cool i think that's three um can i get one decaf one regular cat i don't do decaf ben no decaf are you hearing any of this actually hey do they have some mo i'll take a samoa i'll do some o's ooh do you guys steal thin mints oh uh maybe this is weird but i'm more of a tagalongs kind of guy they only have a couple loose sleeves of the dry plain ones is that is that good for everyone so many good times oh do you remember old man garrett the neighbor what was that thing he always used to scream at me get your bees off the flowers that was it oh okay ask for dinner stuff i'm not gonna they don't have dinners martin asks for dinner stuff please i don't want to look like an idiot martin please just ask for dinner stuff just just ask them for dinner stuff please just ask them for dinner stuff please i'm making your eggs right now and i want to make you dinner too but if you keep acting like this i'm not gonna make you [ __ ] and i'm pretty thankful that my roommates aren't here anymore what was it my roommates they suck like this guy ben last year for spring cleaning he threw out my dog you didn't want it and this guy john he always sits in the top part of the toilet maybe maybe that's just because he doesn't know which one to go in it's always been the bottom one you guys have oh they do have dinner stuff okay so we're gonna need four we get five five boxes of joe and one wet munchkin yeah just like run it under the sink okay perfect thanks bye turns out they don't deliver and never have oh shoot

Channel: I love John Mulaney

Views: 227,275

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Id: yRo-3finLZs

Length: 16min 20sec (980 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 05 2022