Whoa. Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought. [ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ] You know, last year, we did Bieber, and now it's Rob Lowe. Who's next -- Flo, the Progressive Lady? [ Laughter ] David, thanks for taking time away from waiting for Sandler to write "Grown Ups 3" to be here. [ Laughter ] David Spade's assistant once tried to kill him in his sleep, and the world was shocked to find out you could afford an assistant. [ Laughter ] That's not bad. Rob Riggle is here. I actually really love Rob Riggle. Rob -- Yeah. Rob was as -- [ Cheers and applause ] Rob was a Marine -- the few, the proud -- which also describes his fans. [ Laughter ] Peyton Manning is here. I fucking love Peyton Manning. [ Cheers and applause ] He's the shit. Peyton -- Peyton looks like if football players evolved to no longer need helmets. [ Laughter ] No, seriously, Peyton, I love all your of work, especially when I saw you in "The Goonies" yelling, "Hey, you guys!" [ Laughter ] A super bowl is also what Peyton's mom had to cut his hair with as a child. [ Laughter ] Jimmy Carr is here. When I first met Jimmy Carr, I thought, "Wow! Jeff Dunham's puppets are getting amazing!" [ Laughter ] Jimmy, you look like a butler in a haunted mansion. Nikki Glaser's here. I'm friends with Nikki. So, it's -- She's very funny. [ Cheers and applause ] You know, Nikki has a show called "Not Safe," though most people call it "Not Schumer." [ Audience ohhs ] Ah, fuck you. Well, Ralph Macchio is here. That's really cool, right? Ralph Macchio, right? [ Cheers and applause ] You may know Ralph Macchio from saying, "Wax on, wax off," if you've been to the car wash on Melrose and La Brea. [ Laughter ] And Ann Coulter is here, everybody. Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows away from our crops?! [ Laughter ] You know, Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a cunt. [ Laughter ] You know, last year, we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eyeholes in them. [ Laughter ] Uh, anyway, Jewel's here. Jewel, I won't make fun of you yet 'cause I want to give everyone at home time to Google who you are. [ Laughter ] My mom really wanted me to get you to sign this. [ Cheers and applause ] I, uh -- I don't know what the fuck it is. If it's a phone, it's broken, but she'd really appreciate if you could sign this. My mom came here to see you, so, uh, yeah. Let's hear it for Rob Lowe, okay? Right? [ Cheers and applause ] Rob Lowe. Or, as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero. [ Laughter ] People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's only because they never saw him tell his wife he didn't fuck that nanny. [ Laughter ] Rob has two beautiful kids here. Not his children -- They're just guaranteed in his contract. [ Laughter ] Rob was the first male spokesperson for the Lee National Denim Day, which raises millions of dollars for breast-cancer research, you know? That's a great thing. It's a disease -- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] It's a disease that his mother, his grandmother, and great-grandmother suffered from. But you still fucked a 16-year-old girl in 1988. [ Laughter ] It doesn't change anything. You still did that. I'm coming for you. No, seriously, thank you for having me here. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know who any of you are, really. It's like -- I was born after all this happened. But, seriously, you've had an amazing career. And I'll be extremely lucky if I'm, you know, able to tell jokes up here 30 years later. Actually, no, that would mean I would just be Jeff Ross, so never mind. [ Laughter ] Give it up for Rob Lowe, everybody. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
Favorite part of that is when he just says "Fuck you" to the crowd for not laughing at the "Not Schumer" joke lol
Can't find a good video, but Jimmy Carr's set from that Roast was absolutely brutal. Especially the joke about Pete's dad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Mog8aUnyCo
If Ann Coulter's eyes could kill.
WOW.. I have never given Pete Davidson a chance until now and now I get it. I too would like to do the sex