Perfecting my Conduct Through Emotional Intelligence, Lobna Mulla,MASCON2019 ,KnowledgeRetreat

I said I wanna come rattle oh you better cancel I'm really really excited about this next hour that we have together speaking about emotional intelligence it's such an important subject and I think we have a lot to benefit from this subject inshallah and I wanted to kind of point out a resource for maybe you take note of something that is very very beneficial hamdullah it's this book called with the heart in mind a fantastic book you'll love it with the heart in mind the moral and emotional intelligence of the prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam and it is written by our dear said Mikhail Ahmed Smith he is an instructor at column Institute fantastic fantastic book he draws upon the all kinds of understandings of what the intellect is both from a philosophical point of view from a mental health point of view from an Islamic point of view blends it all together and of course adds in many examples from Prophet Muhammad SAW Allah they could sell them truly truly beneficial and remarkable so I will be referring to it at times so I just wanted to point that out I hope all of you can buy it like I did handle and benefit from it in so long so we wanted to first talk about what is emotional intelligence what is emotional intelligence I want to start off by describing something that prophet muhammad salallahu alayhi wasalam said about it in and of itself he said to love and be loved by people is half of intelligence this is so deep let's plot let's repeat that again to love and be loved by people is half of intelligence is that something you would necessarily come to mind may think of intelligence not necessarily right you think of Ojai IQ scores you know how how high you score on the SAT how high the grades that you get in school how and tells you you are in your career do we really consider emotional intelligence as part of that and here prophet muhammad's aelon is speaking to that at the very heart what is a reflection of having emotional intelligence it's to love people and to have them love you back dear brothers and sisters this is really a moment for us to be introspective today I want all of us to be able to take a deep dive and reflect upon our relationships relationships today we cannot do this subject justice if we say yeah yeah I'm like that that's number one but that's one way in which we can respond yeah you know I'm pretty much like that I'm emotionally intelligent right I do some of these things that we're talking about today or we can say emotions I don't know usually they say women are emotional this is a woman subject this is not this absolu type of subject wrong this was written by a man and the most beloved man on earth Prophet Muhammad SAW I seldom said that's who love and be loved by people is half of intelligence that's very deep and he was so Aloha II was selling the most intelligent man to ever walk the face of this earth so we're gonna take it from him first and foremost right another thing we can think and this will prevent us from really being introspective another thing we can think is well this is the way I am look I I don't I can't I'm not good with this stuff and I can't change and that's also wrong alhamdulillah smart Allah place Rama in our hearts he gave us the capacity to be emotionally intelligent by granting us an intellect and this is what differentiates us from other creations is that Allah so Allah has given us intellect and part of that intellect is to be able to understand our own emotions and the emotions of others so we can learn it if somehow this filter of ours got corrupted innocence right that this has somehow been removed from us through our experiences and through our learning so let us not deny ourselves this learning opportunity by saying well you know this is something I struggle with maybe other people can benefit but it's too late for me and that's absolutely not the case so and so I love me let's want open our hearts and unlock any roadblocks that we may have from learning today and actually the reason why at home to let the organizers may let smart allah bless them and their infinite wisdom decided that this should be the very first subject why why is the very first subject in the whole knowledge which we talking about emotions because this is the key if you are emotionally intelligent if you allow yourself to be emotionally intelligent and learn then you will be able to have ascend and all of the other aspects that we're going to be talking about throughout this entire retreat we're going to be able to have the capacity to understand how can we have talked well when dealing with people right because part of our worship remember is worshiping Allah wants out directly through Salah through a prayer through fasting through zakat right through charity this is how we worship Allah want Allah in that sense another way in which we worship Allah so Allah is by what dealing with his creation people family neighbors those are all people right but the animals the environment so we cannot strip these aspects from worship okay so with that said we'll move forward and tell Allah it is said that the primary function of intellect is to know Allah and to lead others to him it is to know Allah and to lead others to him and then an emotional intelligence is an important aspect of this guiding people to Allah if you are harsh with people if you are rude if you're not able to see the pain in somebody's eyes when you talk to them and just talk about yourself how is it that you're going to call others to Allah so Allah it's impossible right and we have some yet that points to this very thoughts local DiGiacomo Suleiman and fisica marzzone alayhi Maron doom Harrison alaikum bill Mumy Nina roofin Rahim here Alice want Allah tells us in surah 9 verse 128 there has certainly come to you a messenger from among yourselves right Allah SWA Allah chose prophet - I saw them from among his people Grievous to him is what you suffer he suffers when suffer it hurts his heart when he saw his people suffering he is concerned over you and to the believers he is kind and merciful this is emotional intelligence you cannot call others to Islam if you are harsh with them if you are not able to see their concerns and worry about them let alone your own family let alone your own family loss want Allah also says if that was the mercy from allah subhanaw taala that you were lenient with your companions jobina rahmatan min allahi lint alone well now Cundiff alternately they'll called Vinland Dumon how nick allah swamp ally here says so by the mercy from allah o muhammad saw salem you were lenient with them you were leaning with the companions with the people around you and if you have been rude in speech and harsh in hearts they would have moved away from you when we come home whether we're coming home to our parents to our spouse to our children when we come home to people run away from us okay oh no here she comes she's gonna start telling me about what I didn't do and all the things I've done wrong or oh no here he comes I'm in trouble now this is a sign and really a point of reflection for all of us insha'Allah this is a point for all of us and finally unless one dollar reminds us and sort of so see that's a and number 33 well my ass I know call them Minh Minh die in Allah he well I'm gonna Saudi huh we'll call it in ND unanimously me and who is better in speech than the one who calls others to the way of Allah and Allah and those good you can't call people and say you know what it's fun is amazing it's great and then your route to them or you're mean to them or you don't even care about your neighbor and you know that they have difficulty you see them and you know them but you don't care or you see your child struggling but you think well I expect X Y Z from you it doesn't matter you need to be performing regardless of how you're feeling or what you're going through how are you gonna invite others to Islam if you don't do good right and then to acknowledge and say and then even and mostly mean like ham did Allah so again now let's get a little bit deeper what is emotional intelligence a lot of this our modern understanding which is really framing what province acellam has taught us and we're gonna go over this insha'Allah when we talk about many examples that we glean from his Sunnah or from the serie Daniel Goleman is the one that has written a lot in modern times about emotional intelligence and he frames it quite nicely when he describes three key elements of emotional intelligence it's the ability to understand emotions what does it mean to say that you're frustrated you're you're angry you're disheartened you're not encouraged right what does that mean so that's emotional understanding then to have emotional awareness in yourself and in other people as well it's so powerful when you're dealing with somebody else and you're not able to really live up to the expectation at the moment and be polite or be nice or be caring you'll say you know what I'm feeling really exhausted right now can we talk in a few minutes being able to recognize that you're tired and that's why you're angry or frustrated that's huge and when you talk like this you're teaching other people to do the same so being aware of your own emotions and having the ability to understand that emotions of others when I see somebody and they're looking sad or they have red eyes you stole that there's something wrong so how do I recognize that in somebody else and how do I take that understanding of the emotions that they have and respond be flexible to go respond accordingly it doesn't take long it does not take a degree in emotional intelligence it just takes the willingness to spend the extra effort and a lot of times were in a rush and rushing opens the door for a lot of mistakes political incentive fee agile that that man was created he isn't Estate's always of rushing but when we watch we make mistakes right you know it was interesting the other day I lost my thought it was so merciful to me that there's a coffee shop that I frequents near my kids school and it's far from home so once in a while I give myself a break and have some coffee for a set home and there's a gentleman that I know he's there you know many times and so he gave me the warmest welcome ever he's like oh there she is I find coming in from the window good to see you again just full of Jer it was fantastic well ain't that two minutes later I'm getting ready to pick up my coffee and this lady looks at me very oddly in my eyes and she says I don't like you and I was taken aback first and think was like wow this is harsh what is this what did I do all that guilt went away when I recognized she looked at me very oddly probably she wasn't well whether it was wasn't well mentally or wasn't well emotionally it doesn't matter I'm not here to judge but I knew that there was something off so there was no no response other than okay thanks and I walked away subhanallah being able to recognize the emotions of others is a sign of emotional intelligence and again this is something that we can develop and finally having emotional control you understand what the emotion is you're aware that you're experiencing it at the moment and now you have control I'm mad I'm tired I've had a long day but I have to control myself this is not the way to act to act off of my emotions right so what are the three key elements of emotional intelligence it's to understand our emotions it's to have the emotional awareness of our self and others so emotional awareness and finally to be able to have control of our emotions understanding awareness and control let's talk a little bit about what that means so to be emotionally intelligently said you're able to identify how you're feeling right we know how to interpret our own emotions we understand how our emotions impacts others we understand how our emotions impacts others imagine a kid wants to help you in the kitchen they want helping me get so they're cracking the eggs and you're very paranoid about I mean rightfully so I shouldn't use paranoid you are very worried that eggshells can fall into the matter because who wants to crunch on a piece of eggshell it's terrible right you're like oh what is that so you're very worried that they're gonna break an egg shell and they do it like half of the eggshell just falls just a big mess like into little little pieces the child is automatically gonna look at your face are you gonna smile like oh man let's let's try to pick that out which isn't even possible but whatever or is that I told you not to put any shells into the batter or I didn't say hey let me help you do this how you react is teaching how to manage our own emotions how we act with one another is a teaching moment every single time and imagine now we find ourselves many of us have lived many years and in some cases many decades and we may feel guilty there's a healthy level of perhaps awareness that I think will be very good it will go a long way but not to the point where we put ourselves down and said oh my god I'm doomed look what I've been doing all these years but awareness to start changing our course of action inshaallah law regulating we talked about regulating our emotions and managing other people's emotions knowing that that lady wasn't well i managed her emotion by not responding in a negative way and say how dare you I just let it go I said okay thank you even though I was kicking her back I was really shocked because I had such a warm welcome just a few minutes before so according to Daniel Goleman who has written extensively on emotional intelligence the first place we learn emotional intelligence is from our family and here comes the guilt there comes the guilt parents I'm teasing child children's to parent love from a young age even from the time that they are a baby are extremely hyper aware of how the parent is feeling even how many of you have held somebody else's baby or even your own baby but you're just worried and so scared that you're like you're shaking it and the baby just keeps crawling more and you give it to somebody else and they're just at peace what was the difference how many of you have experienced that you've seen that at least you'll hold the baby screaming completely agitated you handed somebody else it's like are you a baby whisperer what happened the baby consents that you're tense oh my god I'm worried the baby's gonna cry I don't know how to I don't know how to take care of it but if you're at peace the baby feels at peace when you're tense the baby feels tense literally through vibrations there's not a hocus-pocus type of thing literally right from the vibrations and from the energy that you bring into the room imagine all of you right now talking about energy imagine all of you right now and mush so you guys are doing amazing I'm Billa I'm a kid all of you we're like on Facebook going like this checking your nails looking around the room what energy does that bring to the room right and how will I respond to that I'll feel this heart in like wow I really lost everybody I think I'm really boring today or I'm missing them work there's something I did wrong right but when when you are engaged with me there's this positive energy that's going back and forth and kids feel bad and imagine now in a household where there was a lot of difficulty maybe there was financial trouble maybe there was trouble within the family and there's tension in the house and there's yelling and there's anger and I remember this not that there was all that drama when I was growing up but still I remember being so sensitive that I would look at my mother's face and if she was I've had a look like a frown or she was thinking or worried about something I had nothing to do with me ever I mean nothing to do with me mom are you mad at me just like no I'm just thinking or I'm thinking about something else so I'm worried or but that's how children are without even being able to ask even at such a young age so this type of emotional awareness is done at a very very young age so parents were speaking to parents and I'm speaking to the Future parents at the same time inshallah so that together we can change this course of action be aware that every moment you have with the people in your household it's a teaching moment you're teaching your kids how to deal with frustration how to deal with tiredness anger and you will also teach you them how you interact with each other as a future spouse your teaching your kids when you're upset yellow your wife or when the bill is like way too high yell at your husband whatever it is right I'm just giving examples but if we see that we deal with one each other with mercy I take into consideration other person's state how are they are they tired are they sick so they just lose their job did something happened they is one of their family members not well I'm gonna take that emotional awareness and their situation and I'm gonna adjust how I react to maybe an outburst we're teaching this every single day in our homes so that's something very important to be aware of when we do something good we learn that this is how my parents will react when we do something bad we're looking for their reaction and this inevitably develops the self-esteem of the child this inevitably will develop the self-esteem if you're constantly being criticized at home do you think you're gonna grow up with high self esteem or lower self esteem lower self esteem and when we talk about the flip side it doesn't necessarily mean that we talk about praising our kids all good job you woke up this morning good job you you went to school Wow like okay we're not gonna say that but we're gonna acknowledge challenges okay because my kids handle are not in the room I can talk about an experience and actually it's talked about in the book but was my own experience I can share it in shelhah oh we were on the airplane yesterday and my youngest funny he's really good at drawing much love airy creative you know very interesting too at the same time hamdullah so he was drawing and it wasn't coming out the way that he expected he was getting really frustrated he would give up and he put the pencil - aw I'm terrible at drawing and I said you're amazing at drawing keep drawing different forms of what it is you're trying to get to and you're gonna come up with something you didn't even expect keep going at it so then okay he listened for a few seconds he would do it try another picture and then he'd get frustrated and with each iteration of the frustration giving up and getting mad and saying I'm terrible at it I say you know what any type of art you have to keep trying and that's how you learn and that's how you get better and you're gonna come up with something that you're really pleased with and so kind of a lot those are teaching moments a lot of times when we want to spend time with friends or family the easiest and it's not bad by the way this is good still the easiest is to watch TV with them or watch a movie maybe that's your level of capacity at the moment let's at least engage be physically close that's a good thing and let's watch TV but you're not necessarily interacting unless you're really processing the movie together and the children is a the child doesn't mind that you're constantly talking I love to talk through movies and teach through them but that annoys the heck out of everybody but subhanAllah just having a moment like that and I'm not saying it's so amazing but those are teaching moments those are teaching moments that we can instill in our children same thing when we're learning Korean same thing when we are trying to do something in school when we're volunteering when we're leading a group and people aren't listening to us our mentors the way they react to our frustration teaches us how do we manage our emotions very very important to plan along so some character characteristics how do we learn to become more self-aware how do we learn to become more self-aware of our feelings right we practice it and and we can engage and I want to give you I'll go through some of these things and I'll give you some examples and shelter from the life of the Prophet Malachi Selim so being self-aware right we talked about that regulating yourself having empathy having empathy is huge this is one of the key most amazing characteristics of traffic muhammed sallalahu and they was on them that he empathized he was able to listen to other people without judgment he was able to listen to them long enough without judgment and cared for the other individual and then was able to respond accordingly that's empathy and I have a video for you here it's one of my favorites it's from Renee brown that she's an amazing brené Brown that she's an amazing nurse that has tried to teach other people not only in the nursing profession but everywhere what empathy looks like and if we can begin to adopt some of these really the tools and channel OB can be much more engaging and people can be much more receptive to us because we're connecting on a deeper level we're connecting on a deeper level okay okay it's that close and if we can maybe dim the lights that would be helpful if not that's okay if you can turn off the lights I think it's fine yeah okay we'll continue we'll continue and so either when we're ready we'll have it over okay the smell on our him so we'll show you that video once we once we have it up in middle a sauna so when we're able to adopt these characteristics insha'Allah this is how we can engage with people on a deeper level and we can have more meaningful relationships so pan Allah having more meaningful relationships will improve yourself not only in the family environment but in the work and school environment and also in the public sphere if we're talking about being ambassadors of Islam then being able to manage our emotions that connect with people and empathize it's huge and subhanAllah people recognize this capability in you you will notice if you are more emotionally intelligent if you're more of an empathetic person that people will naturally be drawn to you and even want to share their problems oftentimes they may even say well I'm not sure why I'm sharing this with you I don't know you but I felt the need to share right I want to give an example I imagine that you've had a really long day you're on your way home you manager just got mad at you or chastise you for missing a deadline and you're very very tired all you can think of as you're on your long commute at home it's how you can't wait to just dive in the bed and go to sleep you think to yourself I hope nobody bothers me and I hope everybody just leaves me alone I've had a long day you come home as you approach the door you hear the normal sounds of family activity you have a spouse and you have children and if you don't imagine this because we'll give other examples to incha'allah and you take a deep breath and you're like I just want to be left alone you enter the door and your teenage son runs to you in full excitement but look Papa or mama okay look I got into the university I got accepted and guess what I want to show you all of the benefits that I got they can send me an amazing package how are you going to react let's have it let's just kind of blurt out some scenarios how would you react if you were not putting your emotional intelligence thinking cap on what would you say you'd be happy for then that's because you're awesome Michelle okay you're happy what else what else would be an initial reaction being dismissive oh okay right mean dismissive what else excited again nice people much a lot yes yeah AJ Henri's that's a lot you're smiling see congratulations yes Michelle WA you be able to separate the work issues and come to their level and be happy for them right they're showing you sharing something very important with you yes let's talk tomorrow okay say that again what happens you're super yeah that's awesome we'll talk about that this is actually getting into reality yes lalla push them aside and say I'll talk to you later bye yes in the back because your uh what just happened at work you probably you might think something like well I don't know if you can afford college now some stuff just happened at work a little heartburn you would say I'm having it unless something good came out for such a long day right these are people have talked about my show okay let's talk about what all of you you're ready okay we're going to go ahead and start that video in so uh going back to that example that we mentioned about your child so excited coming and and and and sharing with you that they just got into University there's different ways that we could react the the base way to react not taking into a into accounts the emotions of somebody else it's just to focus on yourself look I'm tired can't you see I just came home and you completely dismiss them what would be the effect on the child if you just dismiss them and you're not even saying I don't care with your own words you just say I'm tired how do you think that would make your son feel or child feel yes insignificant they just shared something amazing with you and you just talked about yourself yes anybody else at that moment the emotionally intelligent person will be able to recognize your own emotion they're very tired recognize the excitement of the Sun and say which one is more important right now I'm exhausted but I'm not gonna die right and this child this is the moment to connect if I defer it until later I'm gonna new to that excitement and I'm gonna just as our friend racing here said it's going to show make them feel that they're insignificant instead you could have a couple of reactions much a lot like a lot of people said and show that excitement and maybe even just excusing yourself and just say I want to go over the package in detail can we do that in about an hour or could we do that you know maybe a little bit later I'm really sited you're acknowledging their excitement you're acknowledging that something amazing happened and you're just excusing yourself by saying I'm really you know I've got a migraine I've got a headache and I really want to be able to connect with you in the best way can we do that a little bit later you won't find that you have satisfied that other individual by promising a future time and at the same time you are giving some you know making it fair to yourself as well but you prioritize their emotions over yours the unfair thing to say it's can't you see I just came home but you know I'm tired no they don't know that but they know that they just got accepted and it happened right now often times we get stuck when it comes to connecting with other people emotionally because we place should we place should in the middle of the situation for example you are dealing with somebody in your household and they should have done something and maybe you look at them and they look depressed they look down maybe they look disheveled honestly that that's a reflection that there's something going on they're not very happy but instead of asking them how they're doing you're more concerned with the goal you're more concerned with what should be happening in the house hey didn't I tell you to defrost whatever didn't I tell you to do the dishes he have any room is such a mess did you pray and that person is like somewhere else completely you're not emotionally intelligent at that moment you have not you're not aware of their emotions and you're not being flexible in your in your understanding by showing that there's something else going on at the moment and I want to give some beautiful examples from life of Prophet Muhammad sites of them and many of these you've you've heard before but now when we look at it through the lens of emotional intelligence and cello we can you can benefit and understand remember now let us remember now that prophet muhammad sallallaahu was someone came as a mercy to mankind he came to teach people he came to teach people for all times and subhanAllah he was placed in a very challenging environment when the the people of that time had very different understanding than than the aleyhi understanding of how we should deal with people it was harsh it was a lot of times not friendly towards women and it was oftentimes in jest but conferred by homicides Helen he came to break that for example one time he was kissing one of his grandchildren and the Bedouin came and told Prophet Muhammad SAW I said them and he said you kiss your children we don't do that he says well long I have ten signs and I have never kissed any one of them first promise I said look he told them what can I do if a lot of has snatched mercy from your hearts he didn't he didn't cower down and say oh well you know if they're little you know they're so cute no he's he's teaching not only by kissing them publicly that this is something manly to do this is something beneficial to the children and that this is something merciful and Allah smart Allah has placed mercy in our hearts so it is actually not godly to be merciful with the people that you love this was groundbreaking something so small as the grandchildren and i said 'no Melek he lived with rocks bomb site something for ten years and he swore de narration that not one city every year promised a cinema saith to him and we can translate open to many different words ah slamming the door rolling the eyes is all right prophet mohammed salameh they said him never did that tennis and how often do we do that to our loved ones to our co-workers to our friends it's unbelievable and and to the extent by which Ennis for example if he runs alone I don't know if he did something that was probably not the best thing to do prophesy Selim never said why did you do that and if he did something it didn't do something that he should have done prof my sights and I've never told him why didn't she do that and as I mentioned before sometimes that's the very first thing we point out when we're interacting with our loved ones and that's terrible as a matter of fact there's an example when prophesy Selim he asked and it's romantic to go and run an errand for him and and if even promised prophet a house I said them and told them I'm not going to go with the kids when I see them in the streets because that's something that he loves to do and he says in this narration and it says in this narration that I knew in my heart that I wanted to go play even though he's no problem worse I found that he wouldn't because I knew in my heart that I wanted to play and very well when I saw the children playing I stopped and I started to play with them and after some time and this feels a hands on the back of his neck and it is the beloved Muhammad so long so long why they would send them and he asked him he said yeah and did you go where I asked you look at how he spoke to Ennis he didn't say why are you playing didn't you promise that you're not going to go play didn't say why and didn't you he said Ennis did you do what it was that I asked you and look at the response for somebody who felt secure because of the way promised I shall them treated him look at enos's response he said yes I'm on my way right now and that is the truth now that he sees them he's on his way he was on his way and now he's on his way this small interaction is the reflection of a healthy relationship where a child feels open and safe to express their true feelings to the parent and the parent is receptive and here this is more than a parent's it's also a solo law you would be more embarrassed more shy but this shows you the close relationship and what about when what about when prophet muhammad saw assembling had tears running down his eyes as he saw ibrahim his child have difficulty breathing he was on his way subhanAllah and the soul was on his way to leaving this earth and tears ran down his face this is a man a leader of the Ummah expressing sadness in public and one of the Companions looked at Prophet Muhammad SAW Allah while he was in them and he said he had a sort of all women in this what is this and look at the beauty in how he responded from homicide from a la lengua Selim he said these are signs of mercy these tears are signs of mercy which Allah places in the part of his service so that mercy is there and to hide it is not something manly or it's not something noble or it's not something better in the eyes of Allah so Allah being human is noble but being kind and human is what we have to remember not hiding our own humanity and it's oftentimes we feel shy to be vulnerable but Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon them showed that as a man as a leader as a parent as a spouse that it was noble to be vulnerable in front of other people saying I love you so both his male companions and to his wives and his children saying that how many of us say in our home I love you and not only when people are deserving of our love that they're doing something really good at the moment what about when you see somebody who's struggling and they're not really doing the things that they should be doing and you put your hand on your shoulder and you say I love you and I understand what you're going through that's very deep and as in the video that we saw just in the video now oftentimes it's not just the words you may say well I'm not really good at wordsmithing you know I'm not I'm not really eloquent I'm not very romantic sometimes it's just you're mindful presence just as a loss Rantala asks us to be present and have closure when we pray to him this is the presence that's required of us to build a deep connection with our loved ones be present sometimes you see somebody crying don't look old worried and scared like should I hand them a tissue what should i do oh no what ways sometimes you don't say anything you just put your hands on them if you can and you just sit with them sometimes in silence and that's enough sometimes acknowledging somebody you don't even know them very well and all of a sudden somebody you don't know very well so it's crying in front of you you let them have their woman you don't just start talking look at the weather out there and start switching subjects you acknowledge the fact that they're having a moment and you say I'm really sorry I seem like you're having something difficult right now it's not it's not it's not does not have to be something very profound it's just acknowledging right as we mentioned before being emotionally aware even in times of difficulty performance I sell them example and had this difficult when people were slandering Ayesha his beloved wife his favorite wife at the time he didn't fly off the handle and tell people curse all of you how can you say this about my life and he also didn't fly off the handle with his wife either and to be honest he was unsure he knew deep in his heart that nothing probably happened but at the same time there was not an exact clear sign until I want Allah brought it down at home did Allah and he needed me trusted his wife but still either way even in times of difficulty Prophet Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him was emotionally intelligent and was able to handle the situation so how do we implement this in our life how do we take the example of our beloved and and show emotional intelligence both in good times and in difficulty the first is it takes awareness of your state right now ask yourself a few these questions do people confide in me do I feel that people love me am I able to connect with others am i judgmental of other people you know a lot of times it's a trick of Shaitaan that we think we're critical or really judgmental but I don't say anything so it's a good thing but actually it's a big many studies have shown that how you think about people reflects and how you deal with them so if you're a manager if you're a coach if you're a parent if you're a spouse and you know that somebody's struggling you know here here is a difficulty again this person is never gonna amount to anything they're never gonna be able to get over this challenge that will reflect and how you interact with somebody so ask yourself am i judgemental am i critical and this doesn't mean we suspend judgment and we just clap and say everything you do is great it means there's no right time in the right place to offer your advice it's not easy it's there's a time and a place am I able to connect with others do I do I often have difficulties in my relationships do I have relationships and wish if I don't see people for a long time I'm able to connect again these will be signs that either you're struggling in this area or perhaps well always that we can be improving inshallah so the first thing was self-reflection and honest self-reflection and it may even be helpful to note areas in which you struggle maybe you struggle when you see laziness and somebody else maybe you struggle because the way that you were raised whenever he brought up your feelings it was dismissed if you were raised in an environment in which your feelings were dismissed or like oh it's not a big deal or don't worry about it or just have taqwa you're Muslim we don't worry if that's how you were raised this may be the way in which you interact with others but it's not an excuse it's just an understanding so be aware of of how you deal with others secondly be mindful be mindful of others be mindful what you present to a relationship what you presents to the room and be third be willing to learn more about emotional intelligence I do recommend that you buy this book and I don't get any Commission but I just find it so it was so informative and these are things by the way that I've always been attracted to these type of you know positive communication and motivation and healthy relationships and and from an Islamic perspective and from a scientific perspective and both and this was just an amazing combination of both with the heart and mind Mikael Ahmed Smith and sha Allah you'll benefit from that so we learn about it be open to it there's even quizzes that you can take online just to kind of get engage it's not gonna be perfect front going to be exact some do charge for it some we're free but take a test and see sometimes this is a window for you to be able to spend some time to reflect and finally ask allah salla to open your heart I said what's wrong salad to really emulate the life of prophet muhammad sallallahoalyhiwasallam and all aspects not just in his salon not just in his fasting not just in his wave in which he dealt with other people sorry it may be in in stately affairs but also how he dealt with matters of the heart not only in his OMA but with his family and the affairs as well so we ask Allah Ta'ala to open up our hearts to make us sincere in our efforts and to make us more emotionally intelligent and having deeper relationships with those we love and those we interact with on a daily basis is that cool okay yes with the hearts in mind the moral and emotional intelligence of the prophets bite was said in the game Allen Smith this is an excellent question yes how do we develop more meaningful relationships with those family members that are not perhaps we're not judging but we're just noticing but maybe not as emotionally intelligent as we would like them to be honestly I do think that first and foremost to be able to acknowledge this as a limitation not one that they cannot grow out of but I think whenever we deal with people so pan Allah who have treats or personalities or trends in a relationship and we're not pleased with or we wish they could be different acknowledge their personality as a limitation for them at the moment does that make sense we're not judging to all I'm better than them but saying this is something difficult for them because now are you're not placing judgment and getting mad every single time like wow he could have said this she could have done that better God is creating a check mark list in your brain of how how many ways in which they were not emotionally intelligent so I think first accept that right then this is where there are at in the at the moment and second perhaps you can share well you know I learned XYZ this is really amazing that this emotional intelligence is something Prophet Mohammad's a lot or someone that he talked about that he emulated maybe talk about this some maybe talk about this lecture that you attended or the book that you're going to read or and and show how this affected you and maybe share it with excitement I'm the one tight turning it on again I'll just keep talking until a loudly while we try to get in place but thirdly [Music] to be able to have an honest conversation to be able to conversation I think would be the most important and effective way to say you know I would love it if when I express myself you listen to me for a few minutes and we'll lie in Hawaii it can't happen I've experienced it myself when I express myself in a way in which is not confrontational it's non-judgmental and saying this is what I would appreciate you know I know that you were thinking XYZ but at the moment I just wanted to hear this here's kind of teaching how you would like to be responded to oftentimes if people are sincere but maybe stuck in their ways they will be receptive as long as you express it in a kind manner and then fourthly making lots of Duloc make lots of go out that looks for Alma opens their hearts and that is also from their left anything is possible in the eyes of Allah salam ala so it was those things insha'Allah that can be a good starting point so how can we help parents engage better in a more emotionally intelligent way first and foremost to again remind them that we are teaching our children how to be human beings in the different roles we're teaching them and to be merciful to them would be to be emotionally intelligent with them so that's number one just reminding them that this is an Amanda from Allah so Allah that took place in this position so that's number one number two reminding them that yes we all have stress we all have stress we have difficult lines we have a lot of things on our plates but that is not an excuse to lash out at our loved ones remind them that that's not an excuse to lash out at our loved ones and that's when we're in control of ourselves we're going to be able to deal more effectively so maybe they need help stress management maybe they need help in anger management and reminding them like oh I notice that you're really overwhelmed maybe there's a way to redistribute some of that work or some of that load on the rest of the family so I think at times acknowledging the struggle of the parents and then perhaps advising them that you know you can have a lot more influence with your child if you do with them in this way and of course you can refer them to the family track we have so many wonderful sessions to so start that that advice early in chawla sure yes Zach walk later I'm going to start with the second one how do we come back as a parent after we've lashed out we've acted inappropriately so hon Allah the beauty of Islam is that there's forgiveness right elefante Allah forgives everything asking forgiveness from humans of course can be a little bit more difficult but this is a teaching moment imagine you as a parent even as a spouse we're gonna talk about parenting for a moment that you lashed out you acted inappropriately and whether it's immediate or you have some time to calm down it's such a teaching moment for you to be able to go back and say I'm really sorry that I yelled it had nothing to do with you I was feeling very tired overwhelmed and I should not have acted that way that's huge saying you're sorry is an adult thing to do it is a prophetic thing to do it is a manly thing to do I know women they need to do and it teaches it teaches children that were not perfect how do we respond if we're in the child and at any age by the way you can be an adult child you know being on the receiving end so panel Oh take a deep breath and remember they are your parents number two don't internalize it there's something wrong with you because when we do that like when we do that so Panama we get damaged my mom is yelling at me my dad is saying something abusive towards me there must be something wrong with me and and so kainalu it's so damaging to ourselves so know that this is a very emotion and you cannot be responsible for other people's emotions you can acknowledge that they're upset but that has nothing to do with you even if you made a mistake there's no reason for somebody to yell or lash out or call you names if you made a mistake that's not the way to handle it so first we excused them because they're our parents number two excuse them at the moment number two that we realize it's not our fault that we're not internalizing this and beating ourselves up the way that we're being beat up verbally at the moment and then number three perhaps respond and try to see what is the message that they're trying to send me at the end of the day what is it that they want and just say okay okay Michelle I will and try to de-escalate responding and the moment of anger in any situation whether it's at work or in a relationship or as parents it's just going to fuel a fire it's just gonna feel the fire don't try to argue back defend yourself I'm not talking about physically defend yourself but at the moment and if it's really being you know there's cursing and just say I'm sorry that I have to go at the moment and and and try to de-escalate that's the best thing mamillus Montella help all of you because I know hurts families without healing and without understanding they create another generation of hurt individuals so I know that this is something very difficult we ask Allah smart-aleck to help all of those in situations and where there is such hurt inshallah [Music] it was very powerful so a lot of yeah just like how do we get out of bed behavioral habits and including anger first it is to acknowledge that you have a problem and anytime you want to correct any behavior it's not going to happen overnight so acknowledging it is a big it's a big deal and acknowledging it and not putting the blame on someone else you can you can analyze and say well you know what growing up I saw that this is how my parents reacted with anger so you can you can try to analyze where it comes from but not blaming it on well you know what I'm angry because at home this is happening or angry because at work we're not blaming it we're just acknowledging the situation this is number one and number two getting getting help yes there is so long there's making wudu there's calming down there's you know hearts finding rest with vigor with with remembering Allah smart Allah doing metal rods right having the the collection of remembrances that prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasalam that he did they will help but when it's so deep-rooted and it's such a fundamental part of your personality it may be extremely beneficial to go and get help help means you're getting somebody personally coaching you when I feel Swayne what can I do sometimes it's so deeply rooted you mean that you have a hamdullah places resources like Halil Center in Chicago and it's some other places I know they also do sessions over the web so that is also a reminder that seeking help through a loved one pala it's not just only through door and prayer but it is also taking other means by which Alice want l has provided for you and that's getting helped I've called therapy and what shouldn't shy away from it since all whoa [Music] you [Music]

Channel: MASICNAConvention

Views: 5,904

Keywords: lobna mulla, mascon2019, knowledgeretreat, Facing challenges, MuslimsGotTalent, american muslims got talent, confident muslim, mascon2018, Muslim, islam, convention, icna, mas, quran, world, speaker, lecture, knowledge, retreat, religion, religious, mas-icna, masicna, mascon, confident, muslim, Muslim Speakers, Muslim Youth, MASCON2018, yaqeen, emotional intelligence, perfecting my conduct

Id: wRP8NHpoNKo

Length: 54min 8sec (3248 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 06 2020