Paul Smith | Have A Word Podcast #76

hey it's time to talk some [ __ ] with adam and dan welcome to the first ever have a weird podcast where wheeler and some other [ __ ] come on and try and be as funny as us yeah i mean someone's gonna have to play the straight man at some point aren't they there can't be three [ __ ] bell ends doing shtick that looked like you were doing an advert for iron brook tell you what it's adam's been full episodes on youtube he's gone very commercial have you got a secret sponsorship that you're not telling me about actually i don't know whether we'll be allowed to have that on camera really yeah so i mean elm haste spring as the zone water i think we'll be okay if anything sums up where we are in our respective careers you getting sponsored by i am brew extra which is a fairly cool i know it's a british company but it's pretty cool it's also the colours of the podcast it's the colours of the pod guys and then i'm sponsored by asda zone still natural water bottled it um her spring wicked that's how my career feels it feels like as her own it really like i'll do a job but you'd be pissed off if you've got it for christmas it's like a hamper how's the hamper no frills you're not rice krispies your crispy dice oh god i love those knuckles choco flakes love those knockoff [ __ ] brands they're quality aren't they like when you go on holiday in tenerife and they've got all the [ __ ] bacardi smirnoff malibu and you're like can i have like whatever double vodka and they're like yeah you can shmelnikov comes out from under the thing you're like uh i feel like i've been lied to by your shelves i mean coconut drink i mean jay went to crete in september last year post edinburgh festival very nice crete isn't it no it it's it's hot and our hotel was nice but in general crete looks like someone set a part of greece on fire and didn't stay around to see what [ __ ] damage they need i think historically that has literally happened to great they've been shot on quite a few times most recently by the [ __ ] germans who treated them like [ __ ] we went to on holiday in crete and we went to a bakery up in the hills got a car drove into the hills not a touristy spot little village beautiful young german family in front of us getting served in the there's an accent coming in isn't there anything yeah no well no they didn't they didn't they were trying to speak english they just wanted some rolls and i like i this must have been eggy because i was like eight or nine years old at the time and i [ __ ] noticed it i must have only been like 10. the woman serving them was like if you could like if you could [ __ ] in a role discreetly like under the couch she definitely would have and the they were only a young couple they had a small child and it was so awkward and just as they were leaving you're like oh that she was like yeah yeah thank you like couldn't nothing more could have said [ __ ] off from my shop and then as soon as we went can we have some bread in our english accent they're like english it was like [ __ ] free rolls a croissant being thrown in because the nazis occupied crete in like the the second world war and were [ __ ] tyrants like just dreadful that's really not like the nazis they normally really tidy and neat and look after everyone guys welcome i know they have taken the island there's a lot of bad things being said about us but we're fairly friendly and we will organize the leisure centers and there will be soft play for everybody unless you're a jew okay but yeah we got we got this amazing level of service and the german family were still in the shop and i remember as a kid being like dude don't make it so awkward let them at least leave before you lick our asses you know your country's [ __ ] up in the past if british people behind you are welcomed you know what i mean like british people have such a [ __ ] reputation all over the [ __ ] world and there's like two or three countries where they're like you're more of a [ __ ] than the british yeah i know i i think as well i love germans i think germans are quite sound i think they're sort of like they are over correcting jeremy i don't even they are so like us genetically as well like the angle we're basically anglo-saxons aren't we we've we're a germanic people you know when you look at like nationalities at the world cup and you and you sort of look at the french and they look a little bit gallic and the spaniards are very sort of you can tell that sort of the genealogy is different and then you look at germans and you're like that german team could definitely be the english team like it's because we are very similar and you meet germans then they're well sound but then in certain places in the world you're like oh god germans are doing what like i do when i've got too pissed and jade's pissed off with me you know like the next day when i've been a [ __ ] nightmare i've come in i bet like a block of cheese straight from the fridge i've opened 12 packs of crisps and finished half of them left them all over the place i've [ __ ] all over the bathroom i've scared the dog and the next day she's like you're the [ __ ] so like for that week you're like on probation and you have to get her flowers get you do all the dishes all the domestic stuff i have to take care of [ __ ] everything i tidy everything i do all the cleaning up that's what germany have had to still do since like the world was 70 years let's start a union we will give a lot of money to it and the union will between me and you and we'll do a lot of cleaning of the [ __ ] in the bathroom and we'll make friends with everybody and we promise never to [ __ ] in the bathroom again germany shagged all our sisters and is forever holy [ __ ] i love going on holiday in places where they're not used to british people like i've been we've been to italy once and you just sort of expect people to be like oh god [ __ ] english tourists but that only happens in basically spain portugal turkey greece where they're [ __ ] useless if you're in the italian hills they're like oh you're english and it's the weirdest feeling to be like we are english are they taking a piss isn't it we it's just because they've never had loads of tourists from there how like english if you call someone he's english it sounds quite sort of posh and almost royal but british is just the opposite in it does it we hate the british the english tea they have nanas and tea cozies i uh i think it's really when you're gigging in scotland or wales and you say this country or you know what we're like the british you can feel the crabbing like we've i made that mistake it sounds nice but we've pissed so many people off the glasgow tour date when i was like in this country and i went and i'm talking about britain not scotland and i got a boo and i was like look we gave you the chance to [ __ ] leave and you said no shut up you know and you could feel like that it got a laugh but there was people in the room like oh god [ __ ] i'd stop this [ __ ] like glasgow are basically gigging in glasgow is like being a german in a bread shop in crete sometimes yeah they're like oh is that especially when they've had [ __ ] old tommy glasgow on before you're like what the [ __ ] what's it like in g12 elfie lfu was that was that a glass region postcard yeah g12 lfu oh that streets really especially numbers 12 to 26 rough [ __ ] around there oh bit of local oh the old local anyway went on holidays to crete with jake that was my fault that was my fault and you know that happens a lot doesn't it that really happens a lot what the massive spiral because if you've got two no-beds with add you're trying to do glaswegian postcodes and i'm trying to do like the nazi occupation of crete and you're just like i just had a story about a holiday dan look at you trying to get your [ __ ] iron brew sponsoring yeah if you're if you're never in g12 lfu [ __ ] i am extra can you really feel the flavor in that other and if you're ever on a [ __ ] council estate in runcorn try as this almost spring oh i can taste the tap have you ever been on holiday in crete yeah just once and then they got killed by six dogs and it was when you mentioned before like the [ __ ] aisle like i was drinking from breakfast i was drinking just beer from breakfast until i went to sleep every day and not one day did i even get tipsy not even like a little bit just not at all and it was a nice hotel as well like when you know when you do that like the airport drop off you transfer right me and jade thought for a minute we booked a really bad holiday because we're driving from the airport through crete and we're stopping at these hotels going oh my god look at the [ __ ] state of this place this is terrifying like there was like smack heads and everything outside the hotels and like stray dogs and [ __ ] hang on creations smack heads yeah or british smackdown no creation how well is the uk doing that like right we'll pick you up near the bins it was terrifying we were like this is not a holiday resort and then we pulled up at this hotel and we were like oh my god this is a good one isn't it like you'd be lucky if you'd book this and they went uh row and laycock i mean they were like because we hadn't like overly researched it we booked it like the the week before yeah and really nice hotel well four star cheap as [ __ ] because crete's on its ass um what a great way what a really aggressive competitive way to book holiday where have you earned books earlier this year well we've got a full [ __ ] all-inclusive 210 quid and focal mozambique and that's not a euphemism we're literally going to mozambique we're in the royal palace it's [ __ ] quality it was like 350 quid each for a week all inclusive at a four star hotel what yeah 350 hang on 350 quid all inclusive four stars right he's still celebrating it what's wrong why are you surprised by that that just sounds a good deal it's suspiciously cheap exactly it's one of them online when you've been like i don't know what you want to do your bucket holidays where there's a [ __ ] economic depression because they yeah we stayed on the in the hotel you know on the property because if you went on the streets there's children crying there's beggars there was a bit of gun there was gunfire but you know 350 quid all in not one day that i got pissed and i said to the bartender what's the percentage volume on the on these beers and he goes oh like cuddling what he goes same as carling or very similar and i was like you haven't got a [ __ ] clue have you this is one percent alcohol this is like ben shaw's shandy that you [ __ ] put in your tap shandy did you actually find out what percentage it was no isn't that kind of good though isn't that so if you're gonna drink from breakfast to like supper if you're literally brushing your teeth with the [ __ ] house lager isn't it good that it just ticks you over otherwise you're gonna be [ __ ] mulled by like quarter past one in the afternoon no first of all that's what you're going on before no but i mean i like getting drunk but it's not a [ __ ] like if you're in an all-package holiday like all-inclusive you're there for a week with your misses but i didn't you know what i didn't even have time it gave me no high all right so it was like just drinking pint after pint of diet coke all day in fact you'd have been more buzzy off a full like that much caffeine every night at tea time adam's like yes me get the [ __ ] bread rolled it was like they just got i'll like beer flavored fizzy water and put some food coloring in it shite and then we went for a walk one night and there was like four dogs on the beach there was some people so we assumed the dogs were with the people and then we took like this little off the beach off the beaten track like there's a bit of trees in there and the dogs followed us and we thought we were gonna get [ __ ] mold like one of them was like wool flaking like a big husky looking [ __ ] and then two little ones and one like muscly one and that then they were bullying another dog and jade was like we've got to save it i was like we've got to get out of here daft this is natural selection they then they went to school with each other them dogs they've known each other years you don't know what's happening it was like i i was like keeping a brave face and so was jade but i was like trying to protect i was like babe come on we need to go this way and she's like yeah but i was like come on no come on look they obviously know each other it's a park and maybe that's the run but you don't want to get involved in animal politics like that and we got onto the street and i was like are you [ __ ] messing me they could have [ __ ] killed us oh did you what so you kept it friendly in front of the dogs with an ear shot yeah right the foreign dogs understand like domestic disputes between couples they understand aggression i'll say this right now this feels controversial i [ __ ] hate foreign dogs right i hate all foreign animals as soon as i'm abroad i might i don't trust you i've been chased by a golden a literally a golden retriever in [ __ ] portugal i went for it really ill-timed jog do you know when you've been on holiday like oh fat and sweaty and then you get in your head like no i need we're there for ten days on about day four of day five i was like i'm just gonna go for a bit of exercise golden retrievers is i'm am i thinking of the right dog like labrador looking like they're like the cutest most friendly family dog in portugal it was almost like it looked like a golden retriever and it had like the black eyes of a shark and i got chased down a [ __ ] grubby lane in portugal i uh 37. it's a year before last i thought you were gonna say no which nine-year-old's going jogging what kind of [ __ ] knob i know i'm a nubber but i wasn't that much of a knobbed at nine like guys mom i'm just a bit worried about my you know cholesterol my bmi is a nightmare i'm off jogging a little fitbit get back in your [ __ ] room you weirdo yeah i just don't like foreign dogs or squirrels foreign squirrels can [ __ ] off as well what about british squirrels british girls are sound i know i sound like the like a squirrel brexit supporter but i think honestly i'm not even like anti-grace girl you know everyone's like oh red squirrels are majestic beautiful these [ __ ] gray squirrels come over here eating our nuts i don't give a [ __ ] a grey squirrel's not just old red ones what please tell me that was banter no like i thought they were just dead no i'm calling the [ __ ] belt honestly it was just a second where i genuinely thought you actually believe that i thought haven't they just got really old like a foreign cat when they oh foreign cats when you're at a restaurant on your holidays and then you were like which is not like it's not like they speak a foreign cat language it's like i'm dying they're awful have you ever ever been for a massage it isn't it is it's what's in your [ __ ] iron broom sponsor it's not it's you went to trying to bang me really quick it's not like completely god it's a tangent it's not a race angle no i like it on holiday yeah yeah i like a massage i like a massage as well yeah where's this leading to come on let's be quick got um got a massage increase on on because we stayed at the atlantica zeus oh yeah i've heard of it and they have a spa like on site and it's like a popular spa people come from other hotels for it because it's [ __ ] a doozy so we booked a couple's um head and scalp massage and then a full body one afterwards what head and scalp yeah you just get like just play with your hair for a bit no i'm not into that yeah well back shoulders and then that's it i haven't ever had anything else never had a happy ending you have no honestly i've really known there's a guy no i don't think i was going to go i would yeah but i've only ever had a massage from a chinese guy in headingly in leaves that would have been really awkward how do you feel about it being a man you got any problem with that at all he [ __ ] me up man it was great do you know when you meet a girl and i like it a bit rough and sometimes as a man i'm like oh that must feel really weird he was like very like diminutive chinese guy and he caught [ __ ] he's like okay five man a really strong leeds accent right okay that's the butler yeah what's he saying i'm from butler and i don't know why but for some reason i thought you were singing and there you go i don't know if you're not sure the chinese chinese heritage foreign he got in there afterwards i [ __ ] hobbled away i mean if he'd have tried to wipe me off that would have been [ __ ] brutal and i was into laura going he's hurt me more than anything two days later my back felt [ __ ] amazing so i'm into it so i'm i'm i'm totally behind you i'm into it me and jade first went for a massage together in edinburgh when she comes to visit me at the edinburgh festival and for the first 20 minutes i thought like i've accidentally booked an mma boat because she just had this [ __ ] three-foot chinese running on me back with a knee in the middle of my spine gone is this too much pressure i was like yeah but that's what you weigh you can't [ __ ] change that on when we went to the one the atlantica thing and these two girls and they were dead [ __ ] rude it was like they were pissed off that they had to do it and we noticed during the massage they were just texting so one of them you know like when you ask your missus for the massage and she's like oh i can't be asking you like well i'll do something for you and then she's like okay go on and she just does it with one and can't be asked just nah oh no that's what it was like and we paid for under quick you can't do it properly while texting also i'm insecure that in my head but they'd be like oh he's got a fat back they were definitely doing that because they weren't like like they were dead quiet but then one of them would like do a little stifled laugh because i've got a hairy back as well like but only in patches and i reckon they were talking about that oh come on babe that's not on is it so we complained and we got a second massage for free but then a man did it and i was like i feel a bit weird and she was like you're being homophobic and i was like no i'm not just feeling weird having a man have his hands all over i just don't want no gabo [ __ ] no yeah you're right it is a bit it's better than it was [ __ ] great yeah i nearly love them i tell you this right now and i stand by this if you're going to get touched by a human you want it to be a man don't you think that's what we're you know and there's no contact if you are going to have a stranger rub you know i i've had a like on the beach in spain like a lady come up and go massage and i've been like oh [ __ ] it hungover enough i love being hungover at the beach there's something about holiday hungover where it doesn't count you know when you're hungover and you're at home and you're like in your bed and you're like god and then you're downstairs and you're trying to watch something on tv and it's all something so much better about being hot and like next to the sea and then there's a breeze it's because then you can go in the sea and just wash it all off one of the worst bits of a hangover is that you've got to face real life yeah wow you feel like that on holiday it's just like yeah i feel like [ __ ] but i can just go and walk in the beach and i think you've got no real problems i don't know what they have here something about the sea just like submerging the coldness of it ugh i love it get it go again can you drink day after day i really struggle with that but on holiday you're just like yeah [ __ ] of course i used to be able to just drink day after day constantly i really struggle now because i have a two-day hangover and if i if i have a big one that first day of hangover is horrendous illness illness yeah i don't know anyone in the world who feels worse than me that day like there's people with like who are in the last six months of palliative care what the [ __ ] who would be like he's [ __ ] him people ringing in you you're next of kin yeah we're gonna bring a priest in that's when you know you suffer with a hangover win and jade father smelly when i'm in that and she i see it in her eye she's got a [ __ ] evil streak this [ __ ] you know she looks she she has it's still so aggressive when you say i'm i'm i've been doing a podcast with you for nearly eight months seven months and when you call jade i'm like oh god she doesn't like it either no it's a surprise in it a lot of women are like that [ __ ] weirdos even the ones that give you a massage come on you can't get in there hurt me oh yeah when she sees that i'm properly hung over i can see yeah the cogs got in she's like how can i it's like she has to make the hangover day the same level of miserable as she thinks the night out was enjoyable wow she tries to balance your chi so like she'll look at me she'll see how many photos how many like instagram stories i put up dancing and singing how many photos i'm tagging me mates and she'll weigh that up and she'll look at how [ __ ] i am and she'll be like so he's at about 17 drinks and he's in this photo he's in there he's smiling there he's hugging his mate there that's a nice one that's really good i think today i'm gonna make him come to ikea the range and a big b m and she can just and then she'll be like i think we should start a diet and i'm like are you [ __ ] she'll make me have a salad or something literally in your 19th bag of cheddars yeah yeah has she ever taken you to her parents over because i've i honestly feel like i don't think that's a type of torture i don't think she's that stupid because i think she wants me to suffer but if her parents seen me if their family seen me on a genuine hangover i think they'd have to have an intervention with her and be like but can you be with that really look jade you can't get a cup of tea that's not what you want to say in it in a parent's house oh god i can't do a cup of tea when i'm over either i love tea and i love coffee if i'm hungover i can't i want fizzy sugary [ __ ] yeah cold fizzy sugary rabina [ __ ] me we're going to be going away to major at the end of september and i'm starting to i start to question whether that's happening i got those refund things i'm for some reason it's i know everything's opening up but i just thought things have been more sound than they are now like today they've just started making us wear masks and shops and it's i know what have you seen loads of stuff said they're not doing it well like sainsbury's put a statement out going we're not going to enforce it if you're in our shop without a mask we're going to assume you've got a genuine like physical complaint and you you can't do it what's the com i know we don't really get political very often but i think this is more about lives and we're living our lives aren't we what's the medical complaint is it asthma is it basically asthma yeah i went shopping a couple of weeks ago when we were building this place and i wanted to get like a couple of these trinkets for the um the shelves and stuff drink it trinkets um no man can sound masculine say drink it oh [ __ ] fracture your skull with this trinket and i took a mask with me jade asked me to and i was like okay like you know i'm not going to die on that i'll wear i'll wear them asking the shops even though the governments haven't enforced it whatever but i've got asthma and it's quite bad like you'll notice sometimes on the podcast i push the mic away and just take a deep breath like yeah yeah yeah i always think that's just me giving you a panic attack sometimes it is yeah yeah it's a combination of the two nice um but i've had quite bad asthma since i was a kid on and off like sometimes i go through a phase with i'm i i need me and halo off like six months and then for a few like two years i can go and i don't touch it um but when i had that mask on i uh it does really affect my breathing so there's a big argument online at the minute there's a load of people who are like i'm not wearing a mask because i've got asthma and everyone can go [ __ ] off this is a free country i'll do what the [ __ ] i like and then there's people on the other side who are like well actually uh you've got a way to mask it's not about you it's about everyone else and we're trying to protect the vulnerable so you will wear the [ __ ] mask at all times you selfish piece of [ __ ] don't go pretending that it [ __ ] affects you breathing because it [ __ ] doesn't because i know because my nan once played bingo with a woman whose son has asthma and my nan would tell me if it affected any in any [ __ ] dozens and both of those groups are [ __ ] idiots and it's driving me mad this legislation or guidance or whatever has been brought in to protect people so you've got to wear the mask to protect other people while you're in shops put the mask on if you start struggling to breathe leave the shop and there'll be people going oh well that means that if i've got asthma i've got less rights than everyone else yeah it does you've got a physical ailment and it means that your life is slightly harder than everyone else you don't see people in wheelchairs going don't put any [ __ ] escalators up there useless to me i don't want to have to [ __ ] get in the lift what you do because you're in a [ __ ] wheelchair it's just a temporary measure it's just a stupid anyone who uses the argument like i i understand that people feel like it's an infringement of their rights like they don't like the idea that a government who frankly they don't really trust because of everything that's gone on some things they've got right something that's the discrepancies it's been a bit up and down doesn't it to now turn around and go this [ __ ] this is really infringing on my you know liberties you're like mate they've just shot sharps for two months you can't go to nando's they they they've been in they've that's where you're like i get you don't want to be told to wear a mask but you get told to not smoke indoors you get told to do all sorts of things it's just a temporary measure that governments are allowed to take the bigger picture is if you if we all refuse and maybe you're like well scientifically there's proof that it's [ __ ] right okay well there's obviously some evidence that it's that it's not [ __ ] put it on let's see if it works and maybe we'll be able to keep shopping maybe nando's will be able to open so we can go and have our tea oh don't put it on and order your stuff online and shut the [ __ ] up but the the the argument that it's like it's really infringing on my liberties you're like mate we've just all lived through a massive shutdown where we were told to not leave our house there are worse versions of our civil liberties being taken away put a [ __ ] mask on i just don't get it i i get the asthma angle but from a lot of the stuff i've heard it's just people being i think it'd be very uncomfortable one woman rang in lbc radio and was like i don't think i'd like to go to john lewis for two hours she kept saying john lewis and it was so [ __ ] annoying obviously i just know she if you spend two hours in john lewis then you're rebelling not yet make sure when you need one specific thing and it's out of stock everywhere else you've checked argos you've checked the other gaff you've checked this place amazon can't get it to you for three weeks and you're like you know what john lewis will have that one thing or you've you want to spend a bit of money with like lamps we were looking at lamps and laura found one and john lewis exactly you're willing to spend a bit more no one's doing the [ __ ] big shop the mate like two hours is just basically you perusing to fill your time she was like i i don't think i could go to john lewis for two hours i think i'd feel uncomfortable what the [ __ ] who [ __ ] needs to go to john lewis for two hours because the staff must be looking at who's this not darling darling do we still have toasters we do we don't need new toasters what about kettles expensive kettles how about this 90 pound kettle wouldn't this look good in the argo darling i know we spent 85 pounds on the kettlebell in the argo yeah that was quality i'm really like i've never owned another like a ladder what i thought an argo was like a fancy version of the cupboard under the stairs no you've just made the sounds yeah yeah it's a larder an argo it must be the same thing no it's like a it's like an old style posh uh stove and and cooker and it's got a permanent my mate shawn's dad was minted when we were growing up it's my everyone's got like well we had one mate who was minted came up from nothing basically sold potpourri in massive amounts bought it from china and then sold it to all these like touchy-feely shops made a [ __ ] mint sold his company his house was wicked when we slept over at sean's house you the first i was like [ __ ] here now and they had an argo and it had a permanent hot grill so you put your bread in between these two like metal flaps and then put it in and it just took about 20 seconds and you had the best like hotel quality toast they're just basically posh cookers hotel quality toast in my experience hotel toast it's like the worst host in the world i strongly disagree and i don't little [ __ ] this if you spend a baggage claim thing that yeah if you spent more than 360 quid on your all-inclusive holidays you get a better standard of toast now that's where the [ __ ] savings happened on the toaster i love it where it's like really high power toaster and it goes through it's something about it like a conveyor belt thing yeah i love the conveyor belt toast they don't toast it enough well you have to put it through twice you could turn it up though couldn't you if it was your personal conveyor belt toaster maybe yeah you looked at me like we were really gonna fall out of all the [ __ ] that we say like have we've done 80 odd [ __ ] episodes of this podcast and you look to me like the [ __ ] are you saying about toast um yeah john lewis just stick your face mask on go and look at your [ __ ] argo or your ladder and just stick a face mask on right should we um i think we've got a new sponsor aren't we we've got a brand new sponsor from our new sponsor it is manscape.com you'll hear the advert that we have pre-recorded in just a sec please support this one for us because this is a test they've only they've only agreed to sponsor us for this one episode for now and if they make a few sales then they'll sponsor us long term if you are after any male agreement products their range is amazing uh please go and check them out manscape.com our uh codeword is in the following update please listen to it and we'll be back after the advert break with our first guest who is it dan who we got it's mr paul [ __ ] smith mate one of the biggest acts in the country very exciting second biggest idiot i've ever met him one of the king lids he's he's lid royal family and he is he he's the king of liverpool comedy the ginger king of comedy in liverpool yeah and i'm coming for this [ __ ] crown meat i'm the the king of preston comedy yay that was a [ __ ] tight competition that wasn't it [Music] preston comedy is to [ __ ] national comedy what as distilled water is to uh drink sponsors right let's have a break check out this new pube trimmer which ps is [ __ ] exceptional he sent us one didn't they oh mate i've been having to go i've had a go deodorant i've been doing it on my face i've used it for my beard it's i haven't it's amazing for you it's like so precision on my beard it's a good job they sent us one each innit because had her used her face and then sent it to you oh laura's gonna have this on her pubs and i'm all for it she needs some [ __ ] landscaping it's not called woman escaping oh is it is it yeah it's adam and steve not adam and eve lads i don't know what i'm saying i need a break [ __ ] off what's happening guys today's episode is brought to you by manscaped manscaped are the best male grooming products on the planet they've only just launched in the uk they've sent me and dan a raise at each and i've got to say proper top tier stuff this is the best razor i've ever used it's the first time i've ever shaved my balls and not snagged the bag the good auntie i get the little you know i get a little bit of like over the pubes tub and i nick that i've just been using an old head trimmer i've used this and you're like oh that's a slide that's a glide so you don't get that sting in the shower yeah it's audible when you get like a little cut on your bag and then you get a bit of ball sweat sleeping into the cut and you get sweaty sting keep talking sexy [Laughter] that's why manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer this is it they've engineered the greatest ball hair trimmer ever created it's the new and improved lawnmower 3.0 and it's just been released in the uk it's smart as [ __ ] this is their third generation trimmer it features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents and when i'm saying this is the best race that i've ever used um i'm not messing you know i know it's easy to say that when you're getting sponsored by a company but it's it's really really really good it the battery is amazing it lasts for an hour and a half so you can shave for longer it's water resistant you can use it in the shower you don't have to be shaving stored over the toilet anymore it's sick one of the coolest features is the led light it illuminates the way as you shave along so you don't get any nasty nicks and they've just got an upgraded 7000 rpm quiet stroke motor the nicest bit you get a load of kit when you get this sent to you but the charging stand is charged by usb and it looks sleek as [ __ ] so you're not getting any whinging from your partner you misses it's going to sit in the bathroom you're going to be proud of it look don't take our way for it if you're listening to this watching it pause the podcast yet go and order one for us and they don't just sell razors you can get all sorts of mail agreement products from manscape.com and experience it for yourself it it's really really good your balls well thank you this is the important bit every listener of have a word gets 20 off get 20 off and free shipping with the code word that's word w-o-r-d at manscape.com and make sure you use that code otherwise they won't know that we sent you that's right 20 off free shipping all over the uk and in america actually but you can use the code word word that's w-o-r-d we should have picked a different word because code weird weird just sounds clunky doesn't it you're not thick you get it weird time to shave those balls should i shave yours now i don't shave yours we'll just do that now we'll show you oh don't you meant a flinch pep [ __ ] me that was so [ __ ] annoying it's weird having our guest in for the first time and i don't think i've ever been this stressed about to start the podcast honestly it's gonna be some angry energy in that camera they know we still don't know what the [ __ ] is the problem with it though anyway it's working oh yeah i've got paul smith here ladies and gentlemen if those who don't know who paul smith is um you know he saved his time sounds like you were struggling to do it he's he's he's out of prison he's low he's local i was doing a prison job on this issue i was gonna introduce him as a full-blown pedophile remember when you did that to me yeah i was gonna say you've never got over that ever no thanks for coming in paul and thanks for putting up with a few technical [ __ ] glitches that he actually fixed yeah thanks next one paul uh lads do you want to look at that oh yeah cameras weren't welcome we're gonna have to get them into a sharp ladder and have a look at it have i told you about that what what he did to me like at the start of our relationship so i'd known him the way he tells this story is not second although i can sense that it's not gonna be factually accurate right yeah okay i'll tell you what you you tell your version of it i'll tell the real version okay so here's what happened right hot water comedy club the early years we're in envy it's just a sunday open mic night at the minute i feel like i live through envy you know i've heard about [ __ ] envy so much because it's where i started the game [ __ ] doesn't stop banging on about the hyenas [ __ ] [ __ ] what's that davey jones was there he was a teacher we had a microphone made of wood people come from all the [ __ ] hamlets are ruined he um he went on stage and i was about six months in if that less probably and he goes on and he goes hey this next guy uh bit pissed off i've got to introduce him to be honest yeah you'll all recognize him he's been on the frontier liverpool ho you know really bad lad what he did to those kids was really wrong and uh clap if you want but yeah i wouldn't as adam rowe and i went on and [ __ ] stunk the place out at the worst game yeah i was literally sick you know what he's like he's a cocky [ __ ] and he saw our fault he'll just bounce off this yeah it's one of them did a week later i don't remember that a week later he did it again but i knew he was gonna [ __ ] do it because it is where the facts is where the facts fall apart i did do it again so he's kind of admitted to through no no no no no no no no no no no no no no [ __ ] the guest mates it's my [ __ ] hey can you [Applause] nice no what happened was he did it a second time trying to [ __ ] me up again i did that smashed it standing ovation at the end people carried me out the gig and then a couple of weeks later i went back to do it again and i went to a lab introduced me like a [ __ ] again because i can open with that line and he [ __ ] wouldn't do it for me no it's when you meet someone and as a comedian you can tell if if you rate them if they're going to be able to get those sort of jokes it's a nice thing weirdly people listen and be like what an awful thing to say about someone but there's a comic that's like your sound you're gonna be sound because if you didn't trust someone or you didn't like them you'd never go i don't know this guy's a nonce i remember happening and i like i was laughing me i'd off don't get me wrong but like i mean i was honestly 40 go on and just because he believed like i've never seen him do bad i didn't and i thought okay well i'll just i'll see i'll see what he's got i'll test them a little bit and it did not work out it's only funny afterwards if everyone's done well if you go this guy's a nonce and the whole crowd likes disgusting why would you hurt children with your penis but they did believe him yeah like i walked on yeah and because i did you don't look a bit naughty as well especially back then i reckon i look the least nancy in this room he's got his big muscles to entice them in you've got your glasses and you're [ __ ] like you look like a trucker yeah i look like i [ __ ] women against their will i don't know it's not it's not children i'm not a monster because that makeup on doesn't make them you look like a trucker a long-distance nonce yeah but because i had i didn't know how to handle it i just walked on to that introduction and was like so i'm adam i'm i'm from dove cost it was like 70 bucks his first joke was about his uncle being announced don't think i was still doing nothing thank you uncle charlie and culture yeah so hang on what year did you did you you started in 2010 yeah how when did i meet you i was trying to work it out on the way over here i was like is that about 2005 2004 no no i started 2006. right well december 2005 yeah yeah but i i i don't think i met you until like 2007. i think i met you doing beat i don't know if it was beat the frog or baby blue i think yeah i think i came up with one of them yeah you you are a different looking [ __ ] paul smith from the from the ladder i met in 2007 from the gothy ride straight here [Laughter] doesn't it feel when you start out you're like you're a young kid and it's like now we're like when did we meet paul back back in old seven i remember it now i remember him now oh jesus christ [ __ ] hell and now here we are the three lids thanks for coming over to do it it's really we really appreciate it because we've had that we've had that tech stuff to start off like just the most important time we've ever used the camera and we were both like oh how'd you turn it on and i said to adam it's like so good that we've got a mate in for them to not be like i mean you were looking at us like we're balanced but at least we know you're our mate yeah and i already knew you were balanced yeah like i think paul takes one look at us and goes they don't know how to wear a [ __ ] camera yeah i am actually very impressed by this setup to be honest i think user put this together it's called the name i mean my dad did it and we watched his dad was going to come in and doing a little bit of wallpapering and by the end of like the second week we're like come on mick this isn't getting [ __ ] done without you man how is a house is this the first thing you've done out of the rona shut down is this is this the first little glimpse of a couple of little podcasts and like mainly i can zoom and stuff like that i've done a couple of podcasts for people and stuff [ __ ] yeah this is the first time i've been in another place i think in a little well i've been i actually haven't give a [ __ ] about it for about a month so i've been visiting in tokyo you are i've been visiting my missus in tokyo just going and chilling by the sea i told you that like when when because your missus is from birmingham originally and she's got such a thick brummy accent i got confused and i thought she was from tamworth right which is like not far from birmingham right in the middle of the country and then you started putting videos up on your instagram where you're kayaking [Laughter] what the [ __ ] where is you know i did not know that there was places like that in this country if the sun comes out it's like would you ever yeah but like if oh all else if social services ever get involved and they get taken off yeah would you go oh death oh don't move to [ __ ] torquay because then there'll be a hot water talkie and then it'll be like dan i know you've put liverpool in for the weekend but can you put torquay in i'm like no because i don't give a [ __ ] about kayaking and i don't know i've got a straight run nice straight run past birmingham which is always easy that's tamworth by the sea oh [ __ ] i'll talky i remember going there when i was 15 with my mate and his parents crazy and got off with a girl and fingered her in a park and it was like i think it was that type of guy oh it's middle of summer oh just one of the first fingerings oh beautiful hallow days that you ruined with a finger move there as well what i think we should do should we all move to tokyo and just start a massive comedy scene no no i mean i would never do comedy there again to be honest i don't think because i did me i did the saw show there last year and it was one of the [ __ ] worst things why was this yes it was [ __ ] awful because right talking is a mad place like you go to tour there's more scouses in torquay than [ __ ] liverpool it's crazy and they're all just because ever it's the [ __ ] last place on the train and so every country is on the run goes to turkey loads of gangsters there like having a pint with them and that like every time i've been out there you'd end up surrounded by like dodgy scousers of a dead sound german so that's that's boss but like when they're in a gig situation and there's [ __ ] beak everywhere yeah those seaside towns man like just something about them like the worst gigs i've done is being like blah blah blah blackpool whitley bay yeah whitley bay and [ __ ] like that just always [ __ ] made it we've spoke about this on the podcast before i would take a gig like that though where there's literal fights in the audience any day of the week overdoing rob riley's gig in lancaster and if you're not you don't know what we're talking about rob riley's gig in lancaster is infamous for just being a bit like they literally stare at you like you're trying to do you stand up in a [ __ ] doctor's waiting room they're like we've just come for a prescription it's the what you're saying is you'd rather go mad as [ __ ] rather than lifeless i don't mind going mud i like when i did whitey the maddest one of them was whitehaven but everyone in the audience there's 400 people and they were all on cocaine they were doing cocaine in the audience like there's no one gives a [ __ ] there because they're all they're all rough as [ __ ] but look got loads of money because they all work at sellafield so no one's like there's no hierarchy there and like i want to be a grafter or whatever just like there's one armed woman who is in the crowd who sells all the cocaine and everyone and she's just always as no one bothers with that so she's people oh she's walking around like it's chuck isis everyone was like this is and she's like oh yeah we're gonna we're gonna have an interval people can have a nice telling me they've got guns and stuff and i was like but like because everyone because everybody loved the chaos i was like well i'll just bounce off this i don't know if you don't want me to you'll have to [ __ ] call your own nubbins that's what do you think you have that with your fan base because like your fan base has almost exclusively come from crowd where kind of well it has but like most 95 percent of the places people just do want to sit and watch the show you get these lovely theaters and like people will sit and like some places you go through and expect it to be rough as far like glasgow and they're just [ __ ] beautiful you know like the bits where you've got a pause in your garden they're just sat there and then it's just you feel them just wit yeah and it's just amazing but then in some places you just want it to be [ __ ] chaos i remember the only tour show of paul's i've seen was newcastle so i was at the stand doing gigs at the comedy club and he was around the corner in newcastle city all and after that finished at the stand i just went over to watch and it was the night that fella threw a joint yeah it was incredible that wasn't it yeah he literally said on stage he was doing a story about like smoking weed and he goes there yeah so smoking weed and as he finished the syllable with the d in a [ __ ] joint hit him in the chest because some jordy had gone yeah mate you're just talking about me it's not easy to flow with jones but hang on he must have had that now if you're stoned if you're stoned surely you're not like [ __ ] all weeds been mentioning [ __ ] his skin up and then flick it yeah you meant to be slower he's had it ready yeah yeah this guy looks like he wants a [ __ ] bifter right on his tits and also you're not throwing you're only ready what are you actually he had like four or five in his pocket yeah newcastle's got a bit of the mental but it's a big city it's quite cultured glasgow's a bit mental but it's a big city it's culture those seaside towns are a different kind of crazy aren't they like people talk about aberdeen when it goes [ __ ] weird and i think there's a lot of drugs in those places because there's [ __ ] all else to do right yeah like ev everyone's just takes loads of drugs everyone takes loads of drugs and then goes on the 2p machine in the [ __ ] yeah for ages just trying to win a [ __ ] dumbo teddy on coke i'd be honestly getting it 65 good only one pound teddy bear talking to me cocaine and the [ __ ] amusements have you ever done a gig on coke yeah yeah what was that like uh fine because i'm not low energy am i no so i'm my height like i i've had people after a gig where i wasn't on coke be like because they know i've done it i've gone are you on something i was like no i'm just in a really good mood i'm bouncing around if you're a deadpan comic and you're like i don't know [ __ ] whoever you think anthony j brown's a a dead punk comic from the circuit and he's like stroking the microphone yeah he's like i have got her joke creeps and it's been going for 20 years he can't do cocaine because he's gonna but i'm already bouncy the only the times i've done not i'm not proud of it but it's back in the day all you're thinking is don't sniff don't sniff don't sniff because because you know if you if everyone hears you sniff they're gonna think you're on coke and none of this is happening the crowd can't give a [ __ ] they just want comedy and jokes but in your head you're like don't sniff don't slip and then you just go which makes it worse so that's it felt the same it still worked but i just had this internal narrative like don't look at my head don't look like a smart kid no one cares i had once i told you this a gig where i'd been out on pills the night before this is when i was like 23. just started out got there and it was one of those gigs where they're like there's no microphone i was like oh god i need it to be normal i haven't slept i'm coming down but i'm and i was like right i'll just have a i'll just take it i'll have a bottle of coke and a bottle of coke and i was drinking it and just because i was still a bit high and i hadn't slept and there was no microphone i started doing the gig into the bottle of coke and every now and again i hear it as i sort of spoke over but and then you had to like move the coke away every gig i've done without a mic i think i've found something to just hold i don't need it or i've just like you know when the mic goes off for the gig yeah like that's happened a few times and i'll still hold it there and i'm like i don't know why i find this so weird when comics do that like i've had the mic die a couple of times on hot water like where it's just [ __ ] off and binti is like in the in the sound bit of binti the tech who owns the club and he's like i'll sort in the break so you just have to deal with it i i just put the mic down and just gesticulate with my hands but i remember this is year i don't even know whether you'll remember this you did a gig for hot water at the crown yeah mike went off right and you literally about four or five times in your 20 minute set said or like out loud and i think it was meant to stay in i need a mic because you're like walking with your hands and then you'd do a joke and get a laugh but before you started your next bit you go i want a mic you've got one hand flapping yeah you said it's weird and you can't just stand there with that aren't they no or like that i just think you're like with both when i'm talking so i don't i always have that hand fixed and then i'm like i'll use that you're doing a wolf of wall street every acoustic [Music] have you done the radio mic where it's all like i think that looks proper nancy when it's a skin colored cheek mic yeah do you think you're inside a jack white hole yeah i just don't think i'd be comfortable with that i don't even like having a normal radio mic without a wire i feel like untethered yeah also it's good security yeah and it it's just nice to know that it's that's such a like an old-school thing of like if it's plugged in it definitely works there's no batteries it's just a nice thing to know that where's your favorite place so of all the big 12 i know you love liverpool and gigging in liverpool where's where's been the place that on a tour you look forward to nice oh dublin 100 the best one just every time the place is incredible the theater's incredible they properly look after and it's just it's just it's just an amazing place i love being there as well when you get somewhere like there's a couple of cities in in the world where you just feel like you're at home it's like some cities have good vibes some cities that don't have good vibes a very scarce thing to think that a dublin knowing it yeah that's i think where do you feel at home stockholm dublin glasgow and newcastle i feel real comfortable yeah same i'm just wondering whether that translates onto preston we have coventry preston's so non-descript there's no culture like where your ancestors from didn't you do a bit about this i did a bit about it we did jeans reunited and we got back to 1650 and uh they were eight miles from preston i mean psalms i did it on stage i was like that's [ __ ] true 370 years you've literally like spread your genes further than any oh generation i'm a [ __ ] i'm literally like a [ __ ] astronaut compared to my bloodline who've literally managed 307 years ago over there [ __ ] pathetic yeah have you ever done anything like that do you know where smith's from yeah yeah well i go to me granddad on both sides and this just goes to ireland i did ancestry and got back to late about the late 1600s and then it's liverpool liverpool liverpool ireland i haven't done anything like that you've got to be is he going to be albanian nightmare with that though i got a [ __ ] phone call off tsp right and i was like well and you were like you know i was 700 pound and i was like no i don't and you're like yeah you know your bank accounts become overdrawn and you know 700 pounds i was like i haven't got a tsp bank account you're incorrect and you were like you have and i was like i haven't and you're like and i was like you know when you're [ __ ] sure or something like you you should use my name's popularity you're [ __ ] up here like but and then you're like nah you took talk about cultures and i was thinking oh i did yeah because years ago when was with helen we just took this we just opened the bank account to just put money in together to get shopping and that no sort of he could both have a car for it was just easier and then it just never got used so it's just left it right and what i've done like a [ __ ] [ __ ] one day is i've signed up to ancestry.com not being able to find me bank card just about [ __ ] five years ago and just you know when you get the free trial i've got an hour cancel that after 30 days i never cancelled it could you imagine losing your house and sick taken over for five years it's so funny you bring that up i had about seven of them that i found yesterday or the day before because i've just sort of the new card out and like the insurance is a lot better than i expected the payments on the card are slightly above what i expected the expense going into hide in this new studio for every month we're about to hire carl as our producer and i said to jay i just need to go through my bank and you know there's those little couple of things you have that are like two or three quid a month and you think oh that doesn't [ __ ] matter that's only a coffee or whatever and you add them up experian yeah yeah i had three different credit score ones that are all 18 quid a month each expedient credit clear credit or clear score and another one of them i i was still playing for candy crush i was on also live you don't deserve to buy a house it's like nine quid a month for candy crush more lives and all the weapons i felt but to have a direct debit i didn't set the direct debit up i've clicked do you want three lives for a month yeah after this it will go on to 12 or whatever and it's automatically done it me dad's sky bill he hadn't [ __ ] told me i said cause me dad's credit's like [ __ ] grease and mine's not much better skye were willing to give me the internet and italian is out on an introductory offer for a year for like 20 quid a month my dad's obviously been getting letters to his house going unit bill's about to go up so i'm [ __ ] 90 quid a month for the sky coming out of my i just don't check me bank yeah our vehicle had gone up i spent all day on the phone to virgin and sky and they are the worst customer service people in the world because they both know that the the other one is your only option and they know their [ __ ] as well so they're like doesn't matter if where comes if he has to deal with them he'll end up coming back to us anyway i i found so [ __ ] many of them i deleted about 90 quid a month off my monthly outcome oh mate i would never let that [ __ ] ride i've deleted stuff i'm exactly liking me oh i've still got i've still got experience i know it's there unless i haven't canceled it i 02 two and a half grand [ __ ] candy crush got bad that much didn't it and i went on i went on before i cancelled experian how did you know i had a look at me because i was like i might [ __ ] check it i've never used it and i've got two things that are ruining my credit score they're both you know that like lowell solicitors who like do like debt collection cut but it says like the d like from when they default that on your credit for six years yeah i've gotta just dodge these cons till genuinely like i do not know i i don't know i i i [ __ ] my credit when i was about 23 and i was just [ __ ] because i got made redundants and [ __ ] and i was just like oh i just just just after i started doing stand-up right literally i'd been doing standard for three months and it was going all right i've done a few good open spots and i was like i've been made with them that this must be a sign i'll just be a professional community and then lived on credit cards for like a year payment it was [ __ ] stupid right got in loads of debt and then i was like i'm just going to ignore that and then i ignored it for like six years and it all went away so that is a good uh good luck are you not in yeah it's a life lesson for the listeners there if you've got any problems ignore it'll go away is your mrs pregnant just ignore her she'll go away yeah after six years after six years don't speak to her for six years i guarantee she's not there anymore paul smith's life lessons hold your name for six years gonna be hard five years and you're gonna wanna look yeah but don't look don't open it just move to torquay just move to some seaside town do cocaine keep getting shittier into the accommodation keep moving and then when it's cleared again you can buy a house and then it's not do you know when jade found out how much of these debts i had a couple of years ago when we first went to rent a house she went to me why haven't you dealt with this and i went well i got told if you move three times they can't catch it and i was 100 true a hundred percent in my head the information i had was if you move out three times that debt is essential and i can imagine you fighting that argument certainly that that's [ __ ] no it's not jade it's [ __ ] not that's exactly what happened and you know where i got it from two pints of lager in the pack i i am so in my internet banking that i cancelled things even if i'm like what the [ __ ] this i cancelled my grandad's emergency [ __ ] pendant i was like i don't recognize this it'd only been going six months that meant for two weeks if he'd had a fall and been pressing that button no one would have come because in my head i was like what the [ __ ] is two four seven lifeline i'm not having that coming up [ __ ] and then they and then they rang they're like we've tested your granddad's line he's got you've cancelled could you do me a favor could you set that up without telling my sister [Laughter] nobody loves me how much did you save 24 quid kill this granddad what a [ __ ] price of fifa oh that's why you shouldn't [ __ ] sign me into the [ __ ] will dangerous game just move that mic closer to your mouth is that possible even if even if it just means pulling the desk towards you a little bit because you're very uh very softly spoken and we are so [ __ ] loud we did an advert for manscape before we were like that's really good for your it's like full volume oh my god have you got any left do you reckon well like those things that you've just ignored definitely yeah no you've not child maintenance is there i haven't ignored that one yet i don't know all night with it now once i got it clear if you know what once i had a kid does anyone else have the feeling like this is horrific and laura listens to the podcast but in my head i'm like imagine if we fall out and i've earned this money and it's sat there i just want something that she can't get at like even though we've never had an argument me and her are as sound a couple as i know of any of the people that are in couples but i have this feeling like i want to buy gold and bury it in the garden well i'll tell you some [ __ ] after this podcast because i met a billionaire and he gave me some very good advice very good advice i mean i haven't implemented any of those actually it was too late at that point the first thing i said was delete candy crush yeah right the head [ __ ] like that my [ __ ] solution to it i thought it happened so i was like did he tell you to move three times and he can't catch her [Laughter] claire's access and he's after jeff jesus from [ __ ] earnings bringing him down i i just he's into stockton shares what's your what was your weren't you buying water or something or was that the guy i was gonna buy oil wasn't i mean i bought that does that cause a blair in our group chat we were talking about that i mean like oil was hit down at like six seven points well it's just your what's up group yeah mate you make out that whatsapp group is the lit like just daggers out the worst [ __ ] ever and you're talking about oil prices yeah when lockdown happened paul blair because he's a [ __ ] like just one of them people and he he just goes i'm just gonna have a little go with this i made about a [ __ ] 30 grand in a week [Laughter] if all cheers went well it was close because he made it look so [ __ ] easy and so i was like i'm gonna have a go with that i'm gonna do that [ __ ] it's free money that's just in it because the stock market was on its ass so i went and [ __ ] threw like loads of money on bitcoin and then i was watching it me said it just went [ __ ] off and i was like oh no because you set like when you go on these apps you set like a stop loss dude i mean so you like you don't [ __ ] completely like tank yourself but then i got close to it and i was like don't sell don't sell like that because it'll just automatically sell and it was like half my money and i was like oh my god and then it went back up and then i come back down and it was so volatile and i just couldn't do anything but to sit on my phone looking at this [ __ ] graph and blair loves all that but that's not for me that [ __ ] hang on you went bitcoin he went mcdonald's started on bitcoin and that was like [ __ ] and then he diversified into like [ __ ] loads of st he was like he'd become a day trader for about half an hour then he's like [ __ ] he's looking at the airlines going on the neck and they're going to get bailed out here so i'm gonna [ __ ] get in here and i'm like i don't but i don't mind that if i was gonna trade i'd wanna know what i was we were talking about jeff pezos the other day it makes sense because he's going to be a trillionaire because you know his shop is massive i don't like it when i don't get like bitcoin i'm like what i don't understand every time someone says bitcoin i think of the coins in mario or sonic yeah mcdonald's is shut now their stock price will be low but they're going to open up and people are going to want my kids i could see buying stocks in that be like i can work that out stuff that i don't understand i'd be like what am i yeah it's going to taste like that though it is good but like it's weird can you imagine that real it's like like oil like oils oil germain oil is still as valuable as oil is but then oil prices go up and down it's going off ooh things oil is valuable so if you if we all go hey oil's [ __ ] valuable in it and we all buy oil oil becomes less valuable and then you're like oh [ __ ] oil [ __ ] and i see you sell it and then it's [ __ ] more valuable are you laughing because he explains things like i do anyone anyone who knows stocks and chairs must be like jesus guys how do you even afford your socks no like because oil is oil and it's if it's expensive that's a lot and then if it's not i so i've invested very very clear i talk like that on the podcast and i know what i mean and he looks at me like he's just looking at you like you're a [ __ ] idiot you know what you mean if everyone says right let's all buy some oil then everyone goes oh [ __ ] oil's expensive in it but then if everyone goes i'm not [ __ ] buying an oil anymore i'm selling my oil then people are like oh well you can't it's not yeah it totally makes sense but if i was being taught gcse economics by one of views i'd be questioning your [ __ ] qualifications like everyone sit down shut the [ __ ] up this is how economics works right i sell stuff right and some people buy it and some people don't now [ __ ] off thanks sir thank you what um what comedy gets cancelled today they're just like listen rona's always going to be here whatever turns out the only industry that can't run is live comedy podcasts like that for a couple of weeks yeah what would you do what would you do what's the thing talky get a kayak what you thinking no i don't know i just don't know what to do i'll be alright for a bit i think i just [ __ ] i'm quite good at like accepting the the current situation so like when when stuff goes like over the last couple of years i've made a lot more i've never had money in my life yeah and then i've made quite a bit of money and i kind of go it's weird how quickly you get used to having money in the bank and not looking at your bank and just thinking well i know i've got money in the bank yes we don't have to worry about yeah don't not totally related i'm going from last but haven't you calculated i was in the [ __ ] tescos but then i have i think if it goes back to that and i'm skinned again i think i'd be all right with that as well i just don't know because you've done it yeah yeah yeah so like i'm not i'm not massively like panicking about it by people who win the loss they end up skin tone yeah because you you get it and you're just like oh i want a boat i want another boat i want a plane i want this or whatever and then like people are like why did you do all that why didn't you and it's like not really asking he's just going to say stupid [ __ ] go on i don't even want to say because i'll get burgled oh please like i saw i saw a jacket that you bought and you were like i bought those clothes because the the show i was writing was called i called it change because it was just can't cause i was getting a little commented people like because i bought a nice card and now people are going off [ __ ] you change you saw for what i'll do is as a joke i'd [ __ ] go right over the top with it and buy [ __ ] gold louboutins and a [ __ ] load of versace coats and [ __ ] like that and that'll be all my stage gear lean into your christmas leaning into it basically that's why i'm calling me next horse show let me in the machine you're 87 year old my mind's going to be called granddad murderer i'm really i think that's just the best way to attack it anyway but then as [ __ ] obviously rona's changed everything and i think i've changed a lot as a [ __ ] person since then i like now i'm just like looking at all this [ __ ] and i was like i've got it all it doesn't even fit me anymore after [ __ ] i've given off it away and i'm like i'm never gonna [ __ ] wear that i'm not gonna wear it on stage so i thought i'd just i'll just [ __ ] get out and wear the throne to tesco's and [ __ ] [ __ ] bright dng [ __ ] hoodies and [ __ ] like that i think i bought like i bought some mad watches and stuff yeah but they they keep the value though don't they they do but the bad thing like i i thought i was [ __ ] billy big bullocks didn't i buying a [ __ ] rolex thinking it was [ __ ] like thinking i was part of the [ __ ] big man club in that with the [ __ ] making a rolex and [ __ ] like that and i think the thing about having natchez like i like having a pair of nice nice night trainees and [ __ ] like that but like these are about the limit of what i'm comfortable in like i put those louboutins on and they're a thousand pound to pay and i'm like because i've got a [ __ ] grand on me feature of me and i'm not comfortable in them and i don't feel like it doesn't matter how much money i've got i'm not comfortable having a thousand feet you've never totally 100 relate to this i at the start of lockdown i had a bit of money squirtled away just before the starts locked down i got a pair of yeezys yeah right and they are the most comfy things in the world but because the yeezys they're very limited run trainers aren't they yeah yeah so when they first go for sale they're about 200 quid yeah yeah but then did actually weigh about four to five hundred for the pair of yeezys and i got myself a pair i won't wear them outside the living room yeah yeah because i'm like if i go on graduate house they're scratched forever yeah your house uses well i i bought a [ __ ] 30 gram watch and i had it on my arm and i'm like every time i put it on and someone went it's a nice daytona and i was like someone's gonna chop my [ __ ] arm off someone's gonna chat like when you get paid cash for the weekend the gigs and you've got to walk back to your car and you think everyone in manchester city knows you've got a grand in your pocket like i was putting pictures on instagram and people everyone's commenting that's [ __ ] hell you get paid too much to have that watch on and [ __ ] like that and i was like i'm getting rid of this got rid of it got rid of it because i was like i don't need people to go back to a little casio but the thing is i wasn't even [ __ ] telling that i was looking at my phone for the time yeah but your fan base is you're a you're a lad dumb good aren't you from a working-class city you sell well in all the seaside cocaine towns yeah so is it they they want you to do well they love you because it only takes while you've changed it only takes one [ __ ] night it's not even even that it's just i'm just not comfortable having that on my arm do you mean because someone's going to [ __ ] it only takes one because it's untraceable and it takes one [ __ ] to just slap it off your arm or knock you out for it and it's gone you're never getting it back i'll be honest with you yeah it was insured if i knew you're watching cosplay as you grand i'm either swatted yeah yeah gentlemen yeah is this why you've been working out to just protect your [ __ ] shoes and jewelry yeah what moves have you met paul i've met the wrists got my [ __ ] shoes i had my i think me i'd fell off a little bit when [ __ ] rolling that happened at the beginning as everyone's probably did i started getting up at 5am and i was like [ __ ] it up but like i've said this before right like i met a new bed and that and i was in a good place i wouldn't have been going right and like it was i i i [ __ ] i had the car that everything like it was the dream life and i was looking like it was like and every time i looked at it i was like this is the start of every [ __ ] zombie apocalypse film that has everything ever [ __ ] happened and then when that happened i was like oh it's all gone sets up i'm buying a sword and i was literally i had [ __ ] i went on and i was [ __ ] had like six swords in a [ __ ] basket i was like i don't know what researching swords and what's the best sword to buy to [ __ ] for sure i was about to buy it and i just i was in bed at about two o'clock in the morning just [ __ ] watching youtube videos about [ __ ] viking [ __ ] swords and [ __ ] like that whether to buy a katana or whatever and then i fell asleep i had a dream where someone broke in my house right and i grabbed the sword and ran downstairs and they were coming through my door and i went ah and i just caught the sword on the ceiling right and stuck the sword in the ceiling and he just tackled me and killed me with my own sword and i was like i bought a baseball bat that's not a battle and then left it on the couch left it by the front come down in the morning i was like why is the bat on the couch and i went i just take it upstairs while you give me grief she went because you've bought a baseball bat to protect us and you've [ __ ] left it as a weapon but it's true statistically though if you have a sword in the house it like massively increases your chances of looking like a [ __ ] cuendo i mean you shall i had a sword and a [ __ ] little an axe i was just blocked with the axe i was watching videos on it my head fell off is that what you were doing for the first two weeks of shut down the thing is right can we talk about it about three weeks before that i've done dmc right and i didn't know whether i'd come out did you say can we talk about that if you've made it someone you can say on this podcast in our listeners like funny that let's get to that in a minute but this is where the sword chat's building up then csb knocks on i had a weird [ __ ] dmc trip about three weeks before that with my with [ __ ] milo and and i wasn't fully sure that i'd come out of it it's a very transformative experience doing dmc so i was like i think it was like it affected me psychology a little bit you know when we did when we put the pictures of the studio about twenty percent of the comments which was quite a lot was oh gonna become the scouse joe rogan are you allowed and now we're doing dmt on the first guest jesus christ and if you don't know milo and did you say milo and damian clark yeah like the nicest guys seeing damon clark on dmc was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen in my entire life seeing damian clark have a cup of tea he is quite he's quite uplifting he's like i [ __ ] loved him that was more spiritual than me doing the dmc i was just watching him he was like oh yeah so you had a bad experience on it i had a beautiful experience on it but where did you do it i've got a shaman and what you [ __ ] changed lads that's a shame you've had a [ __ ] weird shut down it turns out you've gone back to like well this is another call you know when you're middle ages you know when you're writing the show and you have to pick a name before you write the show don't you because you're going to start marketing the show first and then you're like i'm gonna have to pick a name and i don't know what the [ __ ] the show is about because i'm writing the show and i picked the name change thinking it was going to be about that but i think it's going to be about because i have changed massively but [ __ ] like because i've done it the first time with milo last october um and each we've done it in the house and oh man right so you don't you know what it is right dmc yeah it's the stuff your brain releases just before you die right so that's why people think they've seen the whole life yeah like spirit molecule and stuff like that i was i'm i'm a skeptical guy spirit molecule that's there's a is it there's a documentary where it's called the spirit molecule and stuff like that it's just that's what that's what it's called i can't wait till you tell what shaman is what's a shame well it's like a [ __ ] ashaming where i'm from is when your mom's a bit of a slag where i'm from i'll get to that in a minute we've got a he's a he's a proper scouser as well as [ __ ] he's named shaman kevin's boss he's class he's [ __ ] absolutely honestly one of the best people i've ever met in my life is he is he counsel affiliated i i've got a clue liverpool city council shaming [ __ ] and he's a good guy um anyway first time with jose right so i i don't you won't have experienced it because you haven't done it but right milo's telling me about this [ __ ] because i had a [ __ ] boss cake last week you know i swear to god i'm not i'm not saying it was the same but transformative yeah well it might have been but like milo's telling me about this [ __ ] and uh he's just like a clinical psychologist and he said he's into all that stuff and he's [ __ ] knows what he's talking about so he's kind of he's very convincing not that he persuaded me i just had a feeling to do it so he comes to me house and it's like he gotta like smoke it in a bunk right so like he he made the bung out of a bottle and he's like explain how to do it because you got it one at a time right so it's got to be quiet you've got like nice meditative music and stuff like that you've done a little bit like a guided meditation before make sure you're in the right space in there because you could you know it could fall off um so i had to go and i [ __ ] up a little bit because it's harsh and i was like i wasn't expecting it to be as harsh as it is so when you say hash the flavor it's like dead chemically right you smoke it yeah you got to like take it in and hold it back and then he'll fill the bottle up again like a like a bong yeah yeah yeah okay but like it's not i've only smoked weed before so it wasn't like i was expecting a more hairable thing and it wasn't that and i was like so the second one i coughed and i don't think i got the full hit right so i'm starting to have this like psychedelic experience which i've never had but i didn't fully go under right so i'm sat there and i'm like [ __ ] looking around and there's a picture on my wall and it's like a cloud and it starts moving and making faces and it's like crying at me and i freaked out for a little minute and then i was like because it only lasts five minutes and then you sober again your body absorbs it really quick because it makes it and how long do you feel like that five minutes you feel like it's five minutes so like i sat there and everything's just beautiful everything that heightened and it looked like a cartoon like milo looks like a cartoon right and i'm looking at him and he's just smiling at me and i'm like this is [ __ ] amazing right it's like the first time you go into vr if you don't you become hyper sensitive to him dead warm colors but you didn't fully go under there he was like just like it was probably a good experience but he didn't foot he didn't get the full hit so then he has ago right and he's on me i've got a lazy boy and he's just on me ladies what are you reclined and he's like ah and he's like has this lovely time right and he comes out of it anyways something's just told me you need to go again and i was like go on then we'll do it again right so it does it again nice and i've done it properly the second time i meet i just [ __ ] he's he's like so he gives me it's like take it back hold it and then the second time you start feeling the kick at night you're like okay and everything's like oh and starts like wobbling right and you're like oh [ __ ] and then he's like you take the second one and you really start feeling it and then he's like take the third one he starts counting down he's like ten nine and then his voice just goes milo melts away right everything melted away the whole world just turned into like these colors i've never seen before and then this [ __ ] what do you mean colors you've never seen before colours i've never seen and i can't explain it yeah because we've got no shared frame of reference i've never seen these colors before dead mad colors i i can't with the best way i can try to explain is i don't think because you're not looking at it through your eyes you see it's inside your brain i feel like i went to somewhere else and i'm again i understand there's a part of me that's rational things well your brain could have just done that but you get a real sense in it loads of people have like a really shared experience about this stuff right so ghost gets carried off by this [ __ ] it's just it's like a kaleidoscope right kaleidoscope of colors and everything's melting around and stuff like that and then this [ __ ] giant serpentine thing just it picks me up right and it's looking at me right and that sounds [ __ ] terrifying because it was huge right and it's just got this like it's just the blackest thing i've ever seen this still makes more sense than every dream my beard ever tells me it makes me want to do drugs so much [ __ ] unreal right so i'm there and i'm looking at it and it's just communicating me but not with words it's just i know what it means and it's just telling me everything's going to be all right and i was like and then i come out of it it was literally it made me believe in the [ __ ] afterlife i was like that is where you go and you're dead i [ __ ] i'm sure of it now that is like an unreal experience and milo had been kind of telling me and he went what did you see and i was like told him he went that's the cosmic serpent showed me loads of people have seen the same thing and i was like [ __ ] that's weird right it's dead weird so milo goes again right this [ __ ] my head this [ __ ] me out bad because milo's sat right he does it again and he's sad you know milo he's chilled as [ __ ] yeah yeah chilled as [ __ ] so he's just he's on the chain he's like huh and he did his friends and just screamed like the most visceral horrible i [ __ ] [ __ ] myself imagine that in the middle of the night and everything's like [ __ ] yoga musical and [ __ ] and everything's just really plastic i'm in a really good space and he screamed and then he just [ __ ] comes up onto like into like a crab like his whole body seized up and i was like oh [ __ ] what do we do here this has gone bad this has gone wrong this and he starts speaking in tongues like he's going ah i'm just like talking in this [ __ ] and i'm like oh i don't know whether to tackle them or whether like hold him or like restrain him i don't know what to do whether i i need to get rid of fingers in his mouth and like stop him swallowing his tongue or something i'm like [ __ ] what do we do here and then he just looked at me right and he was dead behind the eyes he just he just comes and he goes and fixed me like with his [ __ ] just and started speaking to me in this language right for about two minutes and i couldn't move i just couldn't move i was froze just like just freaked out and then he just settled down and he's just like and he come out of me but he went and he was like oh man that was the maddest thing i felt like i got possessed by something that was just [ __ ] like i had the the power of the universe something possessed me and it let me feel what it can do for a bit and then it but it told me i need to give you a message that you just need to be nicer to yourself you need to stop hating yourself a little bit and i was like glad you just been talking to me for a whole [ __ ] two minutes in like some mad language and he was like [ __ ] off and i was like wow there's something in this [ __ ] like where's shane and kev during all this imagine if it turns out after all this that milo was just one you know nate i know well there's still there was a little part of me that kind of thought that so we shame and kev come about because i'd spoke to davey about it david got onto this guy called shame and kev and i was like so he does like proper dmc ceremonies and he does all like by the teachers meditation and stuff like that so we were like next time we do it because i didn't want that to happen again i was like next time we go to a proper gaffe and do it with someone who knows what the [ __ ] they're doing proper dosage and stuff so he goes to this little he's he's on [ __ ] he's only in like people right we'll go properly he's a problem mate that's the thing it's mine he's like a prophet and you do you get in you're like i don't know about this you know because like he's obviously like an ex fighter like scully like but like he's just turned his life around and just took up yoga and [ __ ] like that and he's just [ __ ] got a dead good vibe about some nights put you down easter eggs away so he's like he's gonna sit down you're doing all these meditations with him and that and it's me damon mcbeard and milo right he goes one at a time and he sat there and he's doing this like [ __ ] reiki stuff right and i'm like that's bollocks that that's [ __ ] someone like putting it on like that that's not no effect on you at all is it really but like so he does the dmc and he sat like there on the floor cross-legged just like this right it's just making sure he says to make sure that you don't beat off the rails or whatever like that she has this man strip nice all the while i keep like because if you come out of it if you've got your eyes closed you go to this other place but if you come out of it it just overlays onto the world so like if you leave it here now like you just look like something else you mean it but you'd be there but you wouldn't be there kind of thing so i keep i've told you i dream like that haven't i like sometimes like well it's it's a similar dream like i'll see like a [ __ ] alien or something yeah and like maybe like a fire here and uh an octopus over here and then i wake up in me beds there and there's a sea there and the dogs over there yeah there's a there's a similar like shared stuff about it because like he kev has been he's been teaching me meditation and stuff and he's really into you know carl young like all these archetypes like the mother and stuff like that i like i had a mad experience after it because i done the dmc the second time and he was they anyway i finished that because he was there right and i'm looking at him and he's just [ __ ] whole heads on fire with this purple like flames and he just looks that and he's just like a dead calm and i'm like okay every time i i was like okay he's there and i said that to him when i come out of it cause he's got this like little woman on his wall like he's cross-legged with the shackles on her and as i come out of it i'm looking why don't you just come off the pitch looking at me and it was just beautiful and it's all like mad blossoms of light i'm like i said that to him and damon went [ __ ] i saw the same thing like demo saw the same thing he was like yeah that's me or that that's me or like that's like that's like the the crown chakra and i was like wow this is doing my head didn't this because i thought i don't know whether this i don't know whether i believe in this [ __ ] no and like it's yeah it's just twisted up with it and then i've always i think i've spoke to you about this before i've always had like sleep paralysis i always get sleep paralysis that happens to me if i get stressed or whatever or if you ever had they or like you what is it i've heard of it and i don't when you go to sleep and you never eat it oh i get it you like [ __ ] basically you but your brain tells your body to switch off so you don't act your dreams out basically so it's just a safety thing right and sometimes if you're halfway coping your body doesn't kick in properly so you just like you paralyze basically and then you'll just be like you're [ __ ] panicking because you're like oh [ __ ] i don't know if i'm gonna move here it's like you know you're just trying to yeah you feel that way yeah yeah and then you just kind of go like that and your body kicks back in but and i've always flapped every single it's happened to me since i was a kid and i'm always panicked and panicked and panicked every time it's happened but i've been doing these meditations with them and it happened right and i just kind of thought okay just breathe through it just breathe through it and just kind of like stay calm and i did and i had a proper mad dmt like experience from there like i saw like this [ __ ] oh cause it's still in your system a bit it was it was yeah it wasn't as colorful but it was in like a dark place and it was absolutely me and i'm looking into a mirror right and there's just like a cartoon joker right on the other side of the mirror looking back at me and smiling and i was like and then that changed and it was just the fella with the hoodie up with no face and i was like [ __ ] and then i come out of it so i ran kev the next day and i was like mate i've just i i just had this happen to me last night and he's like oh yeah they're the jungian archetypes of the joker and the shadow self you're just like you're having a rebath kind of thing and like yeah it's just twisted up with it you know it's dead weird i really think you've named that show really [ __ ] well i do i know if you'd have asked me to guess where this podcast was going to go it wouldn't have been where you've just been for 10 minutes i'm like well that's on my hippie now let's do yoga every day but how can you have a year ago i seen him be sick on his own shoes but i can't i don't see how that is it's going to change you though wouldn't it all of that stuff is going to change you i've done it one more time since and like it's one of those things though you don't feel like you need to do all the time it's not like i'm it's not it's weird it's not like a real like a proper drug i want to do it i'm so i'm such a i think he's a secret i would [ __ ] love it yeah we'll go and see just arrange child care and then you know yeah literally in and out five minutes and then it's like well you're there for a bit but like just in case jade's listening i'm not gonna go babe i'm i'm not gonna do that you know what like it's good for like kind of tuesday tuesday tuesday like anxiety you get like anxiety don't you like that right the last time i done it was only a week and a half ago was the day after we went out in chester so i'd woke up with a [ __ ] hangover and i got anxious when i got hangover right now i was like i don't know but i told me i'd take him to do it i got their knee done it he loved it and then he was like having a go and i was like i don't know i don't know you know kevin i feel a bit anxious so it was this thing called a resource so i had to go through i'll butcher it if i try and explain it but it's like it's really good way of alleviating your anxiety and it kind of worked right but you know you're like me jeremy you've got one of them in there he says that tries to sabotage you all the time so i'm like that does the dmt and as i'm sinking them there just just [ __ ] thought popped into my head that anxiety is going to come back and i'm going to have a [ __ ] terrible one here right and as soon as therefore that this anxiety just went and just popped into my chest and i was like oh [ __ ] and i could just feel it and it just rattled i've never felt anything like hey as i was going in there this anxiety just took me whole body i was just shaking it was like i was in an earthquake of anxiety right i was just mad and i got swept up by this woman this big giant blue woman swept me up and put me in a womb i was just cradling her like pregnant billy and i could see it right and there's just pyramids everywhere and it was just over my sky blue and i've never felt like anything like it like i was in heaven anxiety gone completely like it soon she swept me up it just went and it was like i didn't want to come back and i'd gone i was like what shall i do and she's just like don't worry and she's just laughing at me as if i'm a [ __ ] idiot for even worrying about anything she's like i want to do it and then she was just like go on and she just she waved at me and i just shot out of it okay adam i want to do it i am terrified of the notion of doing it it's honestly the most beautiful thing i've ever seen have you been going the one thing i will say is if you've been going a lot to see shane and kev don't set up a [ __ ] direct debit for the love of god you've been there before mate i'd shall we we need to do a couple of bits to we need to have an in our beds i need to have a piss and we probably need to change the memory card and the camera because that was [ __ ] lengthy i just went off no i loved it in a good way i want shaymin kev's [ __ ] numb the first time we were going to him we were like hey we're going to be about half an hour later and even time is an illusion i bet you've had nightmares with train travel then that's funny let's have an advert what's happening guys if you love this podcast and you really want to support us you can go to havawaypod.com you can get yourself some merch something like this hoodie something like that t-shirt there's plenty of stuff for you to go and have a look at there there's also links so you can buy tickets to the hoverweight live shows and also tickets to mine and dan's tour shows if you want to come and see us do stand up that's all at havawaredpod.com we also do an extra episode of the podcast every week on patreon.com have a wordpod sign up on patreon get the exclusive patreon episode there's also some discounts on merch discount on live tickets but the extra episode is only on patreon that's patreon.com have a wordpod bye felicia oh it's time for have a word you can't hear it because you're not wearing headphones but it's fun we have a theme song let's do some would you rather's though before i can't we can't have a first guest on so thanks to everyone as always who sends all this stuff in and we asked a few years whether you wanted to whether you wanted us to ask paul smith some of the would you rather that we've done in the past to get his perspective on it we've picked two that a lot of us asked for for that and we've also got a brand new would you rather submission from dan johnson thanks dan and a couple of words to come as well you're ready paul ready when you armies so basic basic rules would you rather two options you only had to pick one you can't pick the other you have to pick one you have to pick one okay would you rather and this is a classic be able to run at 100 mile an hour yeah or fly a 10 mile an hour oh fly thank you this [ __ ] [ __ ] because if you can run under a mile an hour you're definitely going to hit something out here no die no because you can fly you can just take in the [ __ ] atmosphere you can just take in the sights on that thing listen this is classic dmt chat i can [ __ ] fly i just need to go and see kev i'm [ __ ] going now i'll be flying back from [ __ ] wrong listen just because you can run at 100 miles an hour doesn't mean you're like oh [ __ ] i need to get the bus you're not like instantly into 100 miles an hour you've got control over it yeah but that's [ __ ] [ __ ] no you just choose when to run a hundred miles an hour you win i got every olympia and got bored with it in about two weeks because just because you can go dead fast but you're stuck in a 30 minute if you can't actually go that fast because you're stuck in a 30 mile if you can't run 100 mile an hour all the time there's no point being able to run under my life just on the track mate just on the track that's why i'll be doing that taking 100 miles an hour just for the just scoring purposes well but then you just win once you've won a couple of times you're like this is boring no because i just always win oh yeah winning the input olympics will be dead if you had 65 gold medals and you're just like yeah but and everyone's no one wants to run anymore because [ __ ] nightingale's here 100 mile an hour getting sponsored by virgin now me and ro will be [ __ ] cruising over the lake or now yeah but 10 miles an hour 10 miles an hour like a balloon in a breeze people love air ballooning split baits people love it 10 miles an hour it's not a balloon in the brick you can't run 10 miles an hour what i reckon you can run 100 miles an hour just about maybe right for about 10 years you [ __ ] in the car park there's no way that you you average out of 10 miles an hour nah what are you having a laugh what do i you having a laugh yeah yeah i'm trying you probably if you wha i'm about four five i'm slow yeah it's all made i was going i'm a fat man on my game from which is 12 and it took me two hours so i was five i think right that's healthy so that yeah so that's like six miles an hour and he was trying his best be [ __ ] look at him and look at you upset me laura texted me before and said i need to stop making some weight digs because she wants you to get out on a diet i swear to god she's fattening me up for the [ __ ] life insurance not once you should be like darling you're fat as [ __ ] now come on you lost weight you've put it back on she just keeps going you do you love i'm literally watching her go i can i'm young enough for a second husband i can see yesterday [ __ ] weight gain now you know why you're sleeping i have yesterday i saved myself enough calories so i'm trying to diet around 1800 calories a day at the minute okay and which is enough for a calorie deficit but i'm not breaking me back the other thing um i saved myself enough calories for you know everything that halo top ice cream that's bossed out in it which is 300 i got a peanut butter isn't that the [ __ ] best one meat i have one of them with me 320 calories in the whole [ __ ] tub unreal though and 320 calories as good as ice cream in it yeah that peanut butter one's got a little peanuts in it yeah yeah what the [ __ ] has happened to us look at he's on dmt and you too okay liverpool come it's going oh my god it's low calorie in it have you tried peanut butter oh my god it's amazing next question i i could find somebody he's gonna buy a [ __ ] soba this this week how about there's only the tesco going live it's phenomenal and jade [ __ ] 320 calories in the whole tub she snatched it off me halfway through and said that's enough put it back in the freezer i said to it a while back because i i've had a few of them lately right whenever when i've got to the end of the day and i've got like 500 calories left i've gone i just have a [ __ ] tub of ice cream sound right i said sweat don't let me buy that anymore because if it's in the house i'm gonna eat it and then yesterday i had a [ __ ] bad day i just had a [ __ ] [ __ ] i was in a [ __ ] mood i lost loads of motivation and i thought you know what don't ruin your diet with an audible but go and get yourself on top of that halo top right i went to driving range so i just [ __ ] some balls for a bit get a bit of anger out and as i got back towards the house i made that decision and i pulled up onto the side of the road and around jaden said will you come to shop with me and she said oh no i can't be honest i went come on come to shop me i don't want to buy naughty stuff and she said no i don't want to go and i went i like sound i thought [ __ ] yeah i thought if you're not going to be there i'm buying it because all i asked you to do is stop me buying it once i've bought it it's [ __ ] mine to do whatever i couldn't want with and she [ __ ] rubbed it off me halfway through and then she did that have it back if you want you can have it back do you want it if him and jade last long long term it sounds [ __ ] and i edit i got it and i put it in the back of the freezer and i wrote a letter i'll [ __ ] kill you if you touch me halo kiss kiss kiss one of them couples who like i can imagine going in one day in his blood everywhere and jade just going i didn't mean i didn't mean it just happened i killed him with a spoon from the halo ice cream just sat there for three weeks and he's just a [ __ ] like blue in there and she's just holding him going come on adam i i haven't been running the halo so you can have it now have you been have you been running still no never mind about 100 miles an hour did you pie the running are you running you're just weights i do car i i'll do card like a little bag or i'll do like i stopped running when i stood on that bag of needles which is a [ __ ] ridiculous sentence and it stood on that bag of needles and i got basically google said don't [ __ ] get a bath and don't run for ages so i didn't huh is that what that would have said yeah yeah she said yeah he's on scout school she don't move stay the [ __ ] on top of ice cream lad i'm a shield way more supportive um yeah so uh it said not to do that so i just stopped and then then we got busy building this place so i didn't have any time to exercise i was just trying to do well on my food and i just haven't gone back to it yeah um watching you have a kfc for the first time here when we were sleeping dominoes let myself have a street dominoes i thought it was going to actually come you know i'd like there was a moment when i was like i was like oh this could be a wet dream this like garlic and herb let's do another would you rather oh questions yeah and i know you're a [ __ ] massive pizza guy mate no i i after i when i got home the other night i bought myself two 16-inch pizzas and enemies for me and i don't know why i did it to his taxi because that when some [ __ ] stupid [ __ ] like gives a [ __ ] bloody like he's all they just made him come to another chippy to get more chips because i haven't had it because i can't eat the pizza without chips this is the only reason i don't like dominoes that much because hey okay why did you buy two pizzas with donna me on because what i like to do is this is my new thing and i'm [ __ ] are you making a [ __ ] i make a [ __ ] with the dynamite so you get one slice of one pizza yeah one slice of another and then put the donna meat in the middle i love it and you do you see how i knew i've never heard of that in my life and i knew an instinct what he was doing it's the most disgusting it's the scorestone but it's so right as well like it's [ __ ] delightful if you eat that sober you need a doctor if someone if even if it you know like the iranian guys who work in those shops if you order one you know when they open up early they're clearly not selling anything it's like 4pm and they're doing the prep if you walked in right can i have them donna meet uh like a you know like a pie sandwich i don't think we should sell this it's a kebab is it it's just you've made the cupcake why garlic it different very different bread cheese meat and more meat oh god how do you look like that when you're buying that shite it's loads of juice oh yeah yeah get on the [ __ ] roads shame and kevin you asked me a couple of months ago didn't you and i've tried every [ __ ] diet on the planet like every single one and though like they all work to an extent but i think the the best thing i've figured out is that you're gonna i'm gonna eat [ __ ] because i'm from a [ __ ] council estate and it's just the way i comfort eat is [ __ ] like chicken dippers and [ __ ] preach brother like crap i mean so like i'm gonna do it at a point i'm gonna have a bevy and i'm gonna eat [ __ ] so just try and factor the fact that that in because well like what i've done for years has gone like i've tried to be [ __ ] okay i'll shake some [ __ ] salads and that and then i'll fall off the wagon and i'll have a bevy and have a [ __ ] kebab and then i'm like i'll [ __ ] it now i might still just go fast bundy swears by intermittent fasting for that if you go long enough you can smash some [ __ ] and your body's just like so fasting for like six hour window for about well started last january and i only stopped about two three months ago because i started actually bulking for the first time ever oh yeah we've been bulking up well i was going to ask you though because sarah millican posted about this on twitter right and it jade does it as well you know when you eat a pizza yeah let's say it's just a normal day you're not drunk you're just having a pizza yeah right another very outer crust you've just got classic crust it's not got [ __ ] a cheeseburger i know whatever [ __ ] [ __ ] you do now it's just a normal pizza do you eat the crust um not all of them what i will do is i'll eat the pizza and then if i'm still hungry i'll go around and just nibble the crust and you can use that for the dips that's why the dips are nice sometimes you you save clothes yeah yeah yeah okay cool i'm just glad that i can stay friends with paulie is that what you do what i do is i i do eat the whole slice but then jade doesn't eat any of the crusts and i use air crust to dip in the garlic sauce if i'm if i'm not gonna smash the whole thing i know i've not got the appetite for a whole pizza i would rather eat the [ __ ] with toppings on yeah but if i'm yeah i'm not if i'm still hungry i'm not leaving the bread for the [ __ ] sake of it i will smash the lot girl god i'm hungry i want to do drugs and get pizza the shame and kev like have [Laughter] what did your pizza get delivered by a [ __ ] serpent right [Laughter] driving a [ __ ] citron saxophone always a sucks though i could lose i could lose another i want it another another would you rather i want to it was good that i like doing these to other people it gives them a whole new lease of life would you rather this we're not sure these the exact details we did the first time around but it's similar would you rather have 200 grand put in your bank now and your life will carry on as it is no restrictions at all no no questions asked no tax that's yours hey that's yours or 10 million put in your bank but you can never leave wales you can never leave real no no no no no no no no no no no because i want to see the reason i get a good gaffing like somewhere nice on the coast of wales for said mill but if you've got i'm not staying in real for 10 mil me right hang on i on this is so weird because when we did it i was like mate you should be the king of wales you'd be you'd be wealthy i'll take it any time but adam was like no can't see it no i can't [ __ ] see it you were like couldn't but you're never leave wales you can't go on holiday again are you like you kind of went abroad again you can never go and see shame and kev can bring kev to me yes you could bring kev to you but like where you're going to live you're thinking like in the middle of wales on the coast you know what i was like i heard by a castle in wales for 10 minutes what we've been saying you can buy a castle i've looked at this [ __ ] you can buy a castle and we're also like 1.2 easy and the [ __ ] do you want to live in a castle there's a castle in wales first that was for sale imagine the [ __ ] buildings i'd have sharks and [ __ ] in the moat in there you know what we were talking about before about dmt i don't think you want to be doing dmt in a castle i think that you know when you're offsetting it with what you're looking at that could be they're saying about like shame and kev wouldn't go to aberystwyth you were like hey shaming kev's not going to [ __ ] travel not a chance tavares with it one of my new favorite things to do right because like people if you if you go around house viewing ladies you've got to like [ __ ] like if i i'd never come across this before because like thousands of boats being like like that was i mean now's worth like 250 or something like that so when you go and look at that sound but if you start looking at ourselves over like six seven underground they start being a bit [ __ ] funny either like are we qualified for this yet you mean because you don't want people to waste the time right but just turn it on that's what it is because people just go i want to go and [ __ ] have a look around this dead nice house yeah one of the tracks one of the best things i've found about being having a little bit of fame is that people just think you can afford [ __ ] right so taking the baby and going viewing like mansion chase and just getting towards the mansions and i went to this gaffe it's the [ __ ] set of like the you know the tolkien film this guy's bit got this [ __ ] big it like this row of ours were built by the fella who like who owned the white star line so the captain of the titanic had the house on the end right right and then he had the house [ __ ] on this end right and then the guy like no the guy who designed them the architect had the big [ __ ] off house in the middle right so this guy who's bought it he's keppy like victorian because he uses it as a movie set right and i was like i seen it listed for like 1.3 million and i was like well have a look at this oh have a look at this so i rang him up and he was like like have you qualified and i was like i always give it like nah because you know what this keeps happening to me and i keep getting like mortgages in principle and it's affecting my credit right you know when i get a mortgage for 1.3 like it's going to be [ __ ] it's really it's like even that extra couple of like 0.2 percent on that much of a mortgage it's going to make a difference in payments you know i mean so like i'd rather see it first and know that i want it before to get the mortgage in principle and they're like oh yeah yeah i didn't think about it that way yeah yeah and then i tell him told him who was and he was like he come back to me he's like yeah the fella's really excited to meet you and stuff like that the guy was there himself he gave me the full tour he's giving me like telling me the history of the house and that's seventh quarters and [ __ ] today it was [ __ ] unreal it was absolutely amazing see i've got a bit of profile as well when i bought my new car last week [ __ ] full tank of guys he showed you he showed you all around the car kia sportage yes um showed me the boot got a spare tire in the boot don't really get them anymore do you got um new set of mats spacers gave me one of those [ __ ] keyrings for the scholar he was just talking about tolkien's victorian mansion and you're like and it's got windscreen wipers suit on the front lights the aircon does work what would you do would you run a gig if you've bought your castle just off the coast of north wales would you not still run again because if i had 10 million you have to think rob riley if he's got one within 100 miles some promoter like hello i i would but i wouldn't be able to just leave comedy i'd st i'd be in wales but i'd still want to see even if it was just a monthly [ __ ] wednesday i'd just get paid 800 quid hot water comedy and whale somewhere and do that so you're taking the ten minutes staying in males i'd do that yeah yeah we basically live in wales now pretty like we're like a [ __ ] bath but you can leave it's not about living there i could live in wales i wouldn't want to be confined this you've been in the la you didn't go abroad so you were about like two years ago or so sure you're like your life wouldn't be in any difference you just said 10 million quid but you can only you can't be a comedian anymore you can only do a tour of wales it's doing 29 nights in cardiff [ __ ] you know god it's a good gap to [Laughter] stuck it well i got probably guys you give paul blair ten million quid you can he can sell anything yeah do you know what i thought before i nearly said this before but we went way deep into the conversation when we were talking about paul blair who for those who forgot or don't know is the owner of hot water comedy club and the way we're talking about him and we're not lying he can sell anything brilliant businessman and he was the one who advised me and you on which stocks and shares to buy he bought shares in mcdonald's like a sensible guy thank you i'd just love to take like 10 of our listeners put them in a room with him after six jack daniels and coke and just watch that on watch watch their perception of this man unfold this is a man i've never been on a night out with paul blair where he hasn't at some point tried to rap battle a stranger leave it paul leave it it's weird he goes from being so sensible and he'll just see and then it's his eyes it's his fringe now right his fringe is gone like his friends just starts flopping down his end you're like ah he's out there [Music] he's happy give me a beat give me a beat yeah he just rap battling and he goes dead funny and then he just gets his shoes off and puts them on his hands and starts going i showed you that photo of him in berlin why he does not he starts beating him he starts being a boxing trainer he phrased and he just disappeared when it's in this room and all this week and there was this this is this and we're like what the [ __ ] is that in the house and he's just in the [ __ ] corridor with his flip-flops on his hand just walking in the water he doesn't do drugs he doesn't it's no drugs it's all just alcohol because is he's got a weird metabolism right he's like he's one of them people who's like a natural athlete so like yeah he's just got a dead [ __ ] weird metabolism right so if you went out with him today he drink all of us under the table and he's the same one he wants to go so easy and then he wakes up the next day fresh as [ __ ] but it's because i don't think he processes the alcohol at all so then tomorrow so if you go on a three-day bender with them it's a nightmare because tomorrow we look like we'd all go out today if we were on like a stag do whatever we'd all get smashed we'll fall asleep we wake up rough tomorrow we're like [ __ ] i feel like dying he'd have a couple of bevies he'd be all right you'll be back on it with his and he'd start again but he has two babies and he's back at the level he was at three o'clock in the morning we were talking about this before about about holiday boozing go on so we're on his stag doing berlin i'll just show you it i'll i'll speak to blair before i put it online anyway but blade and davey ash got sent home and we got a phone call hours later because they'd set the fire alarm off in the hotel and the whole hotel had been evacuated that's in that picture it should be free on this [ __ ] wall that's one of the most successful comedy pro models in the history of british comedy and he looks like a [ __ ] numpty he's one of my favorite people in the world absolutely and he's a genius as well yeah yeah it's just [ __ ] yeah you know he just likes to go mad from sciences time to time you know you know about six months after they had the baby i went on a night out with him and i've known him for 10 years the same exact same amount of time i've known you yeah and that was the first time ever this was like two years ago max that he said the words to me glad i'm getting off i've never outlasted you see i'm the opposite i'm i'm always i'm getting off but you and him are like no no no i'm not getting like adam you've been sick seven times yeah i've been laughing does this not make you want to like the shutdown i haven't been boozing with mates for a while but the shutdown and not being able to has made me want to go out with the lads so much we had such because that's the first time i'd seen blair or danny or anyone for like three months we just had the pint in chester it was the best i had a [ __ ] such a good time did you stay out no i got off after the gig i didn't see you after you went to the pool um i went for the gig because i'm doing the gig this week i wanted to watch it and see how it did and how the comics approached it because like there's a pride and stand up and i don't want to be the guy who who just makes the rookie mistake that someone didn't the week before so i only i didn't know you were going out for the drink drink yeah i came over here um but when i i've i promised myself when i went out the night liverpool won the league i went to the ground to celebrate at anfield and i said after that i'm not drinking until carl gets home and i haven't and there's like seven days left now and then i'm gonna have a drink i'm having a pie later i don't want to do it i don't want to do it i said i said i would make an exception if i'd do a gig before see i'll come to chester if we're getting on it oh [ __ ] off i'll go for a pint of yarns huh i'll have to take my car oh man that's how you're getting back from chester i'm not going if you're gonna have two and then drive home well well this is the most exciting thing i've ever heard yeah laura's gonna be fuming when i'm like darling you know i've been out all day doing a podcast well i'm going out oh let's go out mate i live in chester let's go out i'm up for it okay 100 off for it i'm actually in the mood yes let me press mama i'll follow you to yours i'll i'll i'll take you from yours to mine and then we'll get a taxi over from mine right we need to do have a word because all of a sudden this became the best day of my life right there's there's one more uh would you rather and then we'll do a half a weird one more okay so would you rather get an erection every time you tell a lie this is a proper full mast as big as it gets erection or you sneeze every time someone says your name and you hear it and this would include if you're if someone on the telly says paul smith if you're passing them in the streets if someone goes i suppose something over there and you hear it you sneeze and when you're being announced on stage you would sneeze and it's a prop it's not a cute sneeze it's a it's a full like a full body sneeze with your legs now the erections me would yeah yeah i think it's the safer option in it because i think you you'd learn to live with that you're learning to live with just being and you'd have an excuse for being horribly honest as well because you'd be like well i'm gonna get a [ __ ] massive i don't know if i'm not so i'm just gonna i'm just gonna have to tell you that i think you look [ __ ] in that gesture i mean but like if you're gonna sneeze all the time i think some gun could use that against you i think if you don't have enough time and you just clash your card you're [ __ ] up there though because you could still get away with that with your missus if she's like what do i look like in this dress and you lie and or you look [ __ ] amazing and then you get an erection it's not good this is do you really think so yes i do i mean look at me look forward speaks for himself [ __ ] looking drinking how do you think i've lost weight yeah do you like me man [Laughter] hey you're not going to top lie you're not going to [ __ ] on top of that no no you're not going to stop that um is salva have a word one player no one can hear it no one's got their headphones on everyone else listen do you know that we do this we're trying we're like trying to solve people's problems we've never helped once we held we've done 76 episodes [Laughter] right so we've already covered drugs a lot so should we do the races a month oh jesus okay there we go all right lids i'd like you to have a word with my daft [ __ ] of a brother our listeners are all this aggressive by the way uh long story short i was accused of being racist due to a massive misunderstanding i mean we've all been there yeah we'll see i was doing this streamed quiz on youtube with some mates when an account called karanja pitt so it's k-a-r-a-n-j-a-p-i-t all one word started complaining about the questions on the chat and i couldn't pass up this seemingly open goal and responded it's funny how the person called karen is the one complaining they said it's not karen and i said well your name's misspelled then your money did grammar for the birth certificate uh i was just being proper childish i'm making a joke and they said it's karanja pit it's a punjabi name how does it feel being racist for one that's [ __ ] easy mistake to me feel free to disagree that's not the problem now the problem was my shite bag of a brother who had this go on and joined the chat a chat that had people from all ethnicities on my uni course in it and he publicly said you are right karen i'm harry's brother and he hates jews and blacks needless to say upset me nasty [ __ ] that's you know that's kane brown needless to say i had a lot of cleaning up to do in my dms that like with people asking if this is true he claims it was a joke and everyone should have realized it's a joke he listens to the podcast religiously so tell him he's shy at writing jokes and that he's a massive [ __ ] bell sniff and while you're there i have a word with callan for being a virtue signal and [ __ ] cheers lads from harry robinson it is funny it is funny i i think it is an easy it is it's an easy mistake to me because i've been i i've been doing a lot of twitch streaming and i've hosted one of them quizzes and the names are popping up and they're all [ __ ] mad names aren't they so like it's easy to just you just glancing at the man yeah oh the karanja pit so it's easy to think that was karen because that would pop out like a weird one and also like it's a play on words and he's not saying everyone with karan japanese is like a bad picture i don't think that's racist i think that's a bit oh no she's definitely i'm talking about the brother yeah the brother going yeah he hates blacks and jews that is funny it's just not the right time for the funny i don't know about that i think it's brother do i think i think it's funny as fast i think i think that type of banter it relies on so much trust you basically have to know someone isn't a racist to be able to do ironic racism there has to be that trust that you're like yeah as soon as you think it's with someone who's racist or you don't know that it's too high risk what's your least favorite race of people i've [ __ ] done that to me on instagram live it's white people because all the disgusting things we've done next question white people are next i'm sorry we are the default i can't hear over your privilege i i love this podcast but i also love dave longley's podcast that's my other favorite comedy podcast right good save therefore i've tried i've tried i've i've tried to introduce it like i've said this to him as well because i've been on a couple of times and he's like we don't [ __ ] share it i'm like because i can't because if people don't know you and know how [ __ ] unracist you are if you listen to that people are gonna assume you're a horrible racist because you say some horrible [ __ ] on there there's got to be an element of trust as soon as the trust goes yeah and the brothers come in doing banter and it's too hard the ban that is brother that's the kind of if you have that joke with your brother or with your mates that's fine but over a zoo at unicor zoo meeting that is a nightmare in it and also of all the institutions that are hypersensitive for that more does it not matter it's university universities are it's making me nervous because harry's message that he's one of our biggest contributors and i almost feel like i know him and i i like the joke it's a funny joke but the brothers just smashed in and done it at the wrong time nah i reckon his brother you play the blind there kid so over to paul deciding i think it was a funny joke done in the the wrong moment yeah they probably won't stop yeah but but that's the thing in it you've been out with mates who you love to bits and they don't know when to judge a moment trusted whatsapp group jokedah yeah yeah yeah along with stock prices for oil [Music] yeah i uh i'm all for it but just time to put my dad used to do that when we're kids time in a place of [ __ ] grumpy [ __ ] when he was when we were kids timing there's a time and a place oh i've never told you about this it's not it's not exactly the same thing but my uncle on so it's me mum's sister's husband's name's carl and uh one year on christmas day this is a hundred percent true and i can't believe i've never mentioned this on the podcast one year on christmas day so he's got a son from before he was married to me auntie right and me and him of a similar age he's a couple years older maybe 18 months or something and he was like hey do you want to come in here i'll show you something on a computer and he put a video on that was a gang bang right a full-blown gang monk i was about 13 and the other was like 14 15 and he put a full-blown gang rang on and then went and told my mum and dad for a joke that i was watching a gang bang in the computer room and waited until after i was told off to go oh i did that was just a joke yeah i think that's funny that's pretty funny my mate bondi was looking at porn was looking at porn on his dad's computer his dad worked out that he'd been looking at porn and he blamed me for it bundy bonnie just went oh yeah it was danny and i and i had such a bad reputation in that family that bondy's dad went right well time to keep off my computer that was 1998 and he's still not [ __ ] admitted that it was him and the other day you know when you're catching up with mates i don't know if they were listening to this now going i honestly i messaged him the other day tried to ring him and he went to voicemail he went oh he sent me a message on what somebody's like sorry mate just out fishing with my dad so i'll call you late it's not really the right time i was like absolutely nowhere i was like do you think it's time to admit about that [ __ ] pawn on the computer i know it's 22 years later but i'd like that off my [ __ ] personal record with your family no nothing back [ __ ] bag won't do it just let it go 22 years send them the episode on the timestamp sorted i think you should do that i don't want i don't want keith bond to listen to the rest of the episode i think i'd literally win the point for like oh he didn't watch porn what the [ __ ] is he saying on the internet i see you watch porn on a computer in 1998. yeah i well i think yeah easily no i don't think i was born on a computer until [ __ ] post 2000's what were you doing let me let me have a look let me have a little look at it let me check the time stamp on that i'm not trying to call you no no no no no i i i it all happened i'm not 100 when it happened yeah it might have it might have been when we were back from uni sort of like 2000 2001. it's it's [ __ ] ages ago it was when bondy lived with his parents so he was either back from munich but in and around the world it's not like if it changes to 2001 everyone's going to be like oh [ __ ] hell dan give him time because i'm fine come back and i was thinking i'm sure i still have vhs's then did you have porn on video uh mate i weirdly i notice today because i parked by moorfields the first pawn i ever bought was from i had to go into the [ __ ] pawn shop by it's called private by moorfield station 45 quid the video it was right and i brought him still remember that it was amateur british schlutz uh god and it was like for the amateur stuff i'm into the amateur stuff though like i like i like her so yeah samia me yeah yeah i don't like it all i don't i even like it i even like the latest i've said this before i like it when you can see the reality of like car keys on the side and i almost like that look of regret as well like oh the hell what do you do the first time i ever saw you know what i was talking about like we've made me make me best mates from school when we were both [ __ ] must have you know 12 found is mum and dad's pawn it was a red video right and if it was like [ __ ] like what's that that's [ __ ] gonna be a [ __ ] porno we put it in night we had [ __ ] we'd bite the chair up against the door so no one could come instead of having like a party downstairs and like oh my god that's high wrist pulling yeah yeah yeah and we put it up mate i wish i'd never ever watched it it was the most [ __ ] extreme pawn it was still it's still to this day some of the most extreme porn i've ever seen i think that's that's with the internet i don't reckon it has come close to the stuff i watch when i'm hungover oh no no but this is a moment this is like an unbelievably like there was a this woman getting absolutely like because he was a black fella and she was a white woman right so it was all black like interracial porn right and there was like six of the [ __ ] biggest black dudes of these [ __ ] big massive dicks she was a black white woman he was a little bit and then i still remember it to this day i still remember they got a glass slapped that on their belly and all the [ __ ] just come out and say they made the drink and we were both sat there like going just traumatized what's that called what's that what's that called slapping them on the belly that's got to have a name you know like arabian thingy goggles when you teabag what's the slap on the belly and the empty the hoover [Laughter] [Laughter] these these ones were guests are going to be absolutely epic why would we get paul here to be like this in life just keep it tight you know your dmt story red light on 20. he's [ __ ] running anyway i'll get to that next time he's on emptying the hoover go and check paul's standard pose i'm sure you already have uh he's got [ __ ] hours and hours of it on youtube and he will be going on tour as soon as lockdown's over uh thanks for coming on and please enjoy the advert at the end of the show nice one thanks very very much for watching as always guys make sure you're subscribed to the channel below make sure you're following i have a weird pod on all the social media and it would mean the world to us if you went away and supported our sponsors this week that is manscaped.com they are the best male grooming products on the planet and you'll get 20 percent off and free shipping with the promo code word that's w-o-r-d make sure you use that that lets them know we sent you and they slide us a bit of dough and it keeps this [ __ ] running and our merch store is at have a wordpod.com get yourself a have a wordpod hoodie t-shirt all the merch is there at haverwordpod.com thanks for watching my vlisher become a patreon too don't be a [ __ ]

Channel: Have A Word Pod

Views: 135,079

Keywords:

Id: i0dYI5K7Euw

Length: 130min 42sec (7842 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 26 2020