Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Misconceptions

lately I've been seeing a lot of Tik toks and other videos about pathological demand avoidance which if I'm being honest I hadn't heard of before so let's get into it what is pathological demand avoidance what are five common misconceptions and what can we do about it pathological demand avoidance or PDA is a term used to describe a pattern of behavior often found in people with Autism although it can affect a variety of people it has also been called pervasive drive for autonomy and it is characterized by someone's strong reaction to any perceived demand this goes Way Beyond someone not wanting to do something that's asked of them this has to do with us feeling like our autonomy is being threatened and when we feel threatened we're pushed into our stress response or fight flight freeze and this can affect our ability to do any and everything we need to do in our life now that we know what PDA is let's get into those five misconceptions misconception one that we are just being stubborn the important thing to know about PDA is that it's not even about the thing we're being asked to do in fact we might have already started doing it hey can you do the dishes for me nope not anymore no no no don't stop I didn't know that you were already doing them it's too late you ruined it I'm I'm not doing doing them anymore you're so defiant every time I tell you to do something you freak out PDA autism often looks like Defiance from the outside perspective but it's actually a persistent drive for autonomy like me feeling like I need to be in control of my own body what does that mean basically we feel like we need to be in control of our bodies and when something threatens our autonomy it causes us to go into a fight or flight response and it might look like Defiance from an outside perspective but it's an uncontrollable like body Instinct so me demanding you to do the dishes disrupted your nervous system and caused this like defiant Behavior yeah it has nothing to do about the chore like as you can tell I was doing the dishes I have no problem doing them it's more so my brain thinking that you're taking choices away from me and it's reacting it disregulated our nervous system and we go into fight flight freeze which means our lyic system which houses our amydala takes over and our prefrontal cortex goes offline we think we're being threatened it's not that your request was mean or threatening but that's how it feels which makes it feel impossible not to mention super uncomfortable to do or even keep doing the task and the reason we get pushed into our stress respon is because the ask like for example hey could you unload the dishwasher threatens our autonomy we can feel like we don't have any choice but to do the thing that you requested and that in and of itself feels terrible it feels like we're losing ourselves and the only way to get ourselves back is to push back and not do what you're asking another important thing to consider is that because this occurs more often in those of us with autism spectrum disorder or ASD we have to talk briefly about the fact that ASD makes regulating our nervous system that much more difficult it can also cause us to get disregulated with more frequency if you don't have ASD you might be thinking well just shake it off do what they ask but it's not that simple when we have ASD our brain it just works differently and studies even show that our prefrontal cortex amygdala and lyic system are the parts of the brain most affected by ASD so of course we can be disregulated and pushed into our stress response more easily than others when we have ASD we can also be very rigid in the way that we think and in what behaviors we will do and when someone pops in and tells us to do something else it can feel like it comes out of nowhere and pull us out of our groove which is why PDA often can look like Defiance or selfishness when in reality it has more to do with the way that our brain works misconception two that we only struggle to do things other people ask of us to be honest this is actually what I thought when I first started looking into PDA but I quickly learned that this can even affect our ability to go to the bathroom when we need to you must do this no oh good you ho I was going to tell you to do that keep it up it's the best TV show ever you have to watch it like you must oh right yeah [Music] oh just as some advice I think it would be better if you did it this way no it's okay I can do it well it would actually work better if you did it this way so I'll tell you how to do it I'm just not going to [Music] bother each day we have things we need or have to do like this morning I needed to get up for a call that I had at 9:00 and I really should brush my teeth teeth feed myself and the list kind of goes on and on and on but when we have PDA each one of those things can feel like a threat to our autonomy we feel like we don't have a choice and the mere thought of having to do it is disregulated I know this may be hard to understand but think of it this way we all know that we can't live without air right therefore we don't really have a choice as to whether or not we breathe I mean sure we can choose to not do deep breathing or short rapid breaths but it has to happen whether we want it to or not our innate need to breathe isn't something that we get to decide to do or not do and that lack of choice even though it keeps Us Alive is triggering to someone with PDA it's not the thing itself it's the lack of ability to choose it's also important to consider some of the other symptoms those of us with autism spectrum disorder may have things like our strict adherence to routines and resistance to change meaning that we are most comfortable and regulated when we get to do the things we want to do in the order that we like to do them while those of us who don't have PDA might think well sure I I don't like having to do all these things to take care of myself either but I just push through and I do it no big deal to someone with PDA it's a break in the routine or preferred way of doing things and that change is hard to move through meaning we can put off showering feeding ourselves or even going to the bathroom because it'll pull us away from what we're already doing misconception three that PDA is a choice and if we just wanted to help out more we would this one is important to cover because a lot of the comments on some TI talks about PDA said things like ah come on now these excuses are getting out of hand and it is Defiance though like a complete rejection of authority is happening and the truth is it can look like an excuse or like Defiance but we have to remember that it doesn't feel good to the person dealing with it in fact there is a great Tik Tok Creator who educates about her experience with PDA and I think this kind of sums it up hey what's up you never texted me back sorry I was planning on it but then so much time had passed that it started to build up like a demand and then I felt like I just couldn't answer you and then too much time had passed so I got so anxious about it that I just had to like delete the text okay so it's been 2 days I really need to shower tonight tonight I will take a shower I will shower tonight I have to uh nope nope not going to do that anymore another important key here is the fact that we can also have difficulties with regulating our nervous system meaning that while someone else can feel a bit upset and an uncomfortable or inconvenient ask and push through it do it anyways those of us with PDA can't we don't have control over that and our body and brain are going to react the way that they react this can cause us to be impulsive easily affected and to many appear highly sensitive compound that with the fact that many of us with PDA also aren't good at hiding how we feel and often aren't concerned with fitting in so that reaction is going to show either in actions that we take or even by our facial expressions don't worry we can find ways to work with instead of against our brains and I'll get to that in just a minute misconception four that people with PDA are just lazy when I saw this misconception in the comments I immediately thought of that post I saw a few months back that said if you were being lazy you'd be having fun now that spoke to me because I often think I'm just being lazy when in reality I'm in need of a break or maybe I'm having a tough emotional day and I'm not a robot you know but really the truth is when we have PDA we prefer self-directed Behavior meaning that we have no issue doing things when we feel internally motivated to do it the problem is that we aren't always motivated to do the things we need to do each day especially the mundane ones and while neurotypical people might feel the urge to do something because it's what everybody else is doing those of us with autism and PDA we don't feel that pull we can not really care if we fit in or not or at least that's not enough of a motivator to get us to do the things we don't really want to do another important thing to think about is the fact that that when we have ASD we can struggle to pick up on much of the non-verbal Communications from those around us which like I mentioned earlier can mean that sometimes these requests for us to do something can feel like they come out of nowhere we don't feel prepared and therefore we're agitated by them the best way I can describe this to someone who doesn't have ASD or PDA is to have you imagine that you're working on an important presentation with your cooworker Jordan he's been under a lot of stress lately due to tight deadlines and intense workload but you aren't aware of any of this during a team meeting you ask him to help out with an extra portion of the presentation and he flips out gets really upset leaves the conference room stating that you don't appreciate his efforts he doesn't want to work with you anymore that request seemed reasonable but we didn't know what was going on with Jordan and that's what made the ask seem unreasonable to him misconception five that it only occurs in people with Autism Spectrum Disorder throughout this video I've mentioned a lot about PDA and its connection to autism because it is most often seen as a symptom of it but it doesn't exclusively happen in ASD in fact pathological demand avoidance can occur in anyone with sensory processing challenges it is also linked to people with difficulty with nervous system regulation when I was looking for research much of it was focused on children I know ASD has that problem but based on what I read about PDA I think it's safe to say that we could see it in those of us with ADHD because of our executive functioning issues and propensity for sensory overload as well as those with sensory processing disorder itself remember PDA occurs because we don't feel like we have a choice and our auton is being threatened this disregulated our nervous system and we can't calm it easily which also makes me think that we could see PDA and those of us with generalized anxiety disorder PTSD or even borderline personality disorder therefore it's safe to say that PDA does not exclusively happen to those of us with autism because pathological demand avoidance can affect so many of us let's briefly get into the ways that we can better deal with it and these will cover both the things we can do if we have PDA ourselves and what to do if someone in our life has it starting with using reverse psychology kind of since PDA happens because we don't feel like we have a choice and we have to do something you can tell yourself not to do the thing that you should really be doing like don't you dare brush your teeth or I don't want you to make yourself dinner that that would be ridiculous you're better than that don't you dare make dinner by making the demand the thing that we aren't supposed to do at least in our head we can sometimes motivate ourselves to do it the way that this helps us if our partner or child has PDA is we can say something like I bet you can't do that or whatever you do do not help me with the groceries for example you can also challenge them like I don't think you know how to make chicken pot pie or I bet you can't finish folding your laundry before this episode of The Office is over those are kind of rewarding plus there's a time crunch which can help motivate without feeling like it's an actual demand because they get to decide if they want to take on the challenge another tip is to do things before they get to the place where they're in demand for example if I clean up the kitchen tonight when there's no pressure to do it then it won't stop me from making my breakfast in the morning if we preemptively strike we can sometimes stop it from becoming an actual need or a forceful demand we could also do small things kind of little by little so that it doesn't feel so intense or as big of a demand and this prevents our nervous system from getting so disregulated and will allow us to keep doing the things we need to do without feeling that level of pressure something else I saw online is that many people do some sort of like role playing and no I'm not talking like a sexy kind of role playing more like you imagine that you are a character in one of your favorite video games books or you completely make up a new character having PDA is a real struggle because it is not a conscious decision that we make that we have to do something therefore we don't do it or someone tells us to do something therefore we're absolutely not doing it even if we were going to do it before they told us to do it so something that we can do is inhabit a different character a different world PDA lives in the fantasy because that is easier for us to show up to than life because life is a real source of anxiety from our history etc etc so what we can do is inhabit a character so I'm not doing it I'm stepping into this fantasy of this person who lives this particular life who does it in this way and that can be a way to trick our minds to find the joy to find the fun in carrying out a task and not having to do it as ourselves in this scary neurotypical world if your child has PDA you could encourage them to dress up like this character and have them tell you all about them what they do what they're good at Etc if it's you I mean you can also dress up do what you want but I also encourage you to really play it out in your head what is this character like is their hair purple green brown blonde do they live with fairies in the woods in a high-rise building in New York City are they a mythical creature get creative and imagine you're someone else because that can take you out of your own reluctance and actually allow you to do the things you need to cuz the demand's not placed on you the next thing we can do is give choices that give us the same result that way they can choose the way that they would like to do something and that gives them some of their autonomy back and prevents a nervous system overload now we can do this for ourselves too by considering if we would rather drink the water in our water bottle or go get a bubbly water from the fridge for example if the goal is to stay hydrated either choice will get us there or it could be something like would I rather get out of the car now or when the song is over it feels way better to our brain and bodies when we get to decide what we want to do another trick is to break down big tasks into smaller ones like instead of saying that I'm going to make dinner we can say hell no I'm not going to make dinner but I am going to look up what I want to make or I'm just going to cut up part of this onion doing these other smaller tasks not only seems less overwhelming but they also allow us to do something because we choose to do it like we're tricking our brain into doing it and finally we can just say you know what I'm not going to do anything today NADA I'm just going to sit here and do nothing because guess what doing nothing will kind of start to feel like a demand and you will find yourself doing the things that you need to and I know that may sound similar kind of to the reverse psychology thing at the beginning but I feel like it's a bit different and sneakier so I wanted to make sure I gave it the space to be explained but I would love to hear from you do you struggle with pathological demand avoidance do you know someone who does what tips or tricks help you better manage it let us know in those comments below because I think this is way more common than we realize thanks for watching have a wonderful week and I will see you next [Music] time

Channel: Kati Morton

Views: 29,670

Keywords: pathological demand avoidance, what is pathalogical demand avoidance, pda autism adult, pda autism explained, autism and pda, what is pda autism, asd pda, autism pda, autism pda syndrome, autism pda profile, autism pda strategies, autism pda adult, autism pda how to deal with, pathological demand avoidance autism, pathological demand avoidance strategies, pathological demand avoidance explained, pathalogical demand avoidance, what is pathological demand avoidance, pda adhd

Id: 7xHvNw70FCc

Length: 18min 55sec (1135 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 09 2024