Pastor Lutzer | What Marriage Is, And Isn't | Fighting For Your Family - Sermon 4

I want to thank you so much for joining me on this journey I've had the privilege here at the moody church of preaching this series of messages titled fighting for your family and I believe very deeply that the family is the place where the action is where the battles are won or lost today's message is entitled what marriage is and what it isn't I'm convinced that oftentimes the seeds of divorce are already planted even before the wedding it's so important that we understand biblically what God intended once again I hope that you'll turn to your discussion guide where you have some questions have those questions in mind as you listen because when this is over when this message is finished I hope that you'll be able to answer those questions and to benefit from them god bless you now I pray that the Lord will indeed enable you to watch and to listen very carefully someone has said that marriage is like flies on a screen door those that are in want out and those that are out want in the question I have to ask is why is it that so many people who get married with such good intentions and so disastrously I've married many people I don't ever recall a couple saying well our intention is to have a miserable marriage but I've married some people who have had a miserable marriage I have married some people who ended in divorce 20 or more years ago I flew from Chicago to Tokyo non-stop if that jet plane had been off by one degree all the way to Tokyo we wouldn't have ended in Tokyo we'd have ended somewhere else in another country just like those little birds that fly from one island and they nest there and then they fly back thousands of miles one degree off and they'd miss those islands today what we're going to do is in this fourth message on a series entitled fighting for your family we're going to help you regroup we're going to help you with a new trajectory a new focus and mid-course correction and we're also going to answer the question of what is marriage we're going to talk about those who say well you know we live together but we're not married because what's a piece of paper well today we're gonna find out exactly what a piece of paper is as I've been meditating on this this past week and I've had the advantage of thinking about it for several days I'm convinced that if we went back to the beginning and looked at the owner's manual the creators manual and if we followed what I'm going to share with you today we would not have any divorces that's a very strong statement but after all God did create marriage for a purpose and there are certain requirements and we've missed them and so we go in the general direction and we end up in a bad place as you know each message has within it an assignment which I will be giving you a little later on in the sermon because I fully intend that your life should be changed as a result of these sir it is not simply that you're hearing truth I've been praying that you'll hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and some of you have come to this with all kinds of relational issues and you may be thinking about divorce or even in the middle of the divorce maybe it's time for you to rethink what marriage is all about and if you're here and you're single there is going to be a word for you - thank you for coming on the journey the real purpose of marriage is to reveal God to make God look good unfortunately many marriages don't do that but that was the original intention and if we want to go back to the beginning and read the owner's manual we have to turn once again to Genesis chapter 2 Genesis chapter 2 where it's all laid out for us and I'm going to follow the outline in the Bible not the outline that I originally thought I was going to use because the end of the day I decided that God's outline was better than mine so I always defer to him in fact all that we're going to look at is one verse and all of its implications and then at the end we're going to be pouring grace into your soul it's going to be laced with grace it's going to be laced with hope but you have to stay with me on this journey well verse 24 I don't know that I even have to read it because we all know it by memory your member Adam of course is created and everything is good but it was not good for a man to be alone and so God creates a helpmeet we've been here before in this passage Adam names his wife which shows the order of responsibility and role within the marriage but then we get to verse 24 therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and then my translation says hold fast I like the old King James here cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh all that today life transforming for a marriage what I want to do is to give you three or four commitments that you make when you are married and then we'll understand the implications and why it is that sometimes people get married and they shouldn't I think that this passage would prevent some weddings and by the way I've prevented some weddings won't tell you all the details I think I mentioned this several years ago but our staff is not only committed to having good weddings but preventing some if they can see danger up ahead well are you ready ready for the commitment number one therefore a man will leave father and mother what that means is that marriage creates a sacred space where faithfulness can be demonstrated and where loyalty is now transferred from mother and father to the spouse and this loyalty is very strong and this couple creates this space and they no longer look to mummy and daddy for guidance and direction and are always still committed to the loyalty that they have to their family ties it is not just geographical you leave and you decide to live in San Francisco or somewhere else because you know there are people who leave geographically but they don't leave psychologically this has to do with a fundamental psychological commitment to leave father and mother that doesn't mean that father and mother aren't involved I'm glad that that doesn't mean that Rebecca and I have the privilege of having eight beautiful grandchildren and were always invited to take care of them and to have an input into their life but the loyalty is to your wife and the wife to her husband they're the ones who make up their decisions they're the ones that run the home according to their specifications and that's what it means to leave now I'm going to speak to you plain late today I hope I always speak plainly I don't want to be like that politician who left a political rally who said I hope that in the excitement I didn't happen to make myself clear about anything I like to be clear there are some parents who are control freaks and they controlled by manipulation by guilt like one woman said you know my mother she owns the Midwest distributorship of guilt yeah and so they they controlled by guilt by manipulation by shame even verbally and they want to continue that control after you are married if you let them do that you have not left father and mother remember counseling a guy who said that my mother wants to break up our marriage he said we have a happy marriage but she begins to meddle she begins to talk she begins to say things and and interfere and even lies and manipulation so I told him you have to have boundaries here you have to have boundaries here and you can eat you even have to say in this case mother you cannot come and visit your grandchildren and the reason for that is because this mother created chaos now there are some people who live with chaos they cannot live without chaos so they distribute chaos wherever they go no wife should ever have to doubt whether her husband's loyalty is to her and not his parents it's interesting that the command is not given to the woman it's given to the man the Bible is so accurate it's also true of human nature's Aiza as I have observed marriages I've noticed that so often it is the man who is tied to his parents the wife is more submissive in terms of the leadership that is given by her husband but it is oftentimes the man I mean I've heard stories about a man on his honeymoon calling his mother every day lots of other stories like that it is dan Allender who wrote we can honor our mother and father only if we have put if I could read my writing I can read his because it's from a book but we can honor our own mother and father only if we have first created the proper bound to serve and protect our spouse you leave father and mother you know what you also leave you also leave past attachments yeah you don't look up that wonderful girl that you dated in college on Facebook just to see what she's up to and begin to fantasize of how much better it would have been if you had married her I'm speaking here plainly because counselors will tell you that Facebook is the chief way in which divorces now happen because you know because of bonding oftentimes sexual bonding you know you have people going back and and they have trouble in their marriage and they're beginning to fantasize about if only I had married my college sweetheart how wonderfully we would have lived when you walk down that altar to the altar all the ghosts are left behind and you break all those ties pornography also which is a commitment that many people have and it's an addiction that we've talked about in different context the fact is that all the things that intrude upon the one man one woman relationship and building a sacred space where there can be faithfulness and Trust all those relationships have to be laid aside now I'm not saying you have to be perfect before you get married or else you know what the conclusion to that is none of us would be married today but I also have to tell you that the courting period is one of the most deceptive periods of time that you will ever go through on both sides of the ledger because everybody is at his best and oh yeah I really do enjoy football because you enjoy football yeah I really do that's why getting married is something like getting a phone call in the middle of the night first of all you get a ring and then you wake up okay and you discover that there's a lot more the baggage car arrives after marriage and not before and unless you take care of some of those ghosts it'll haunt you alright the first thing is to leave if you're not willing to leave then don't get married cleave cleave to your wife I'm thinking of Velcro at this point cleave to your wife in other words what you are saying is in all the world I am honoring and committed to you or alternately the wife says I am committed and honoring you think of all the problems that would happen that would be taken care of if we simply left and klephts I know that there isn't a word like left but we're in a good mood today we can make up some words as we go along the cleaving part means the trust is now being built to coat the words of dan Allender again through many acts of faithfulness no marriage can ever be happy without trust it is central to the marriage in fact Ellender says and marriage without trust is an empty well it promises satisfaction but it never delivers you must be able to safely trust in your mate and once that trust is lost it has to be regained often over a period of time again dan Allender says Trust is earned over a lifetime as I mentioned through small moments of faithfulness you also learn patience you learn to accept one another you know all those differences that you intended to see listen the person that you marry is the same person that you will live with before he was married going down the aisle doesn't change anybody ladies especially you need to know this he's an addict before you marry him he's an addict after you marry him you know we may smile at the woman who says that on her wedding day she thinks of three things she thinks of the Isle walking down the aisle she thinks of the altar and then of course she thinks of him but actually it's Isle altar him lady let me look into your eyes can you see mine from where you're seated you won't you won't and as a result of that of course people have to learn to accept their differences and you have to begin to say and you see that's where God births patience in our hearts that's where God begins to birth sanctification because here you have somebody who is very different from you and the things that attracted you that you thought were so cute you couldn't you can't stand now cleave to your wife endure and you'll get huge payback you really will and I'll give you some examples of that in just a moment well the next thing I want to speak about which isn't in the text but clearly implied here and elsewhere in Scripture is the covenant you know people say well why should I have a covenant why this oath you know leaving all others cleave onlys for yourself to yourself to yourselves however that is I was at a wedding here yesterday it was nice to be at a wedding but I wasn't officiating at just to see how other people do it but you know the vows are essentially the same for richer for poorer in sickness and in health till death do us part by the way the next message in this series is on money so I've entitled it till death do us part so you'll be sure to be here for that but the point is that what's a piece of paper anyway let's just live together oh really number of years ago my wife and I bought a house we are reputable people we bought it from reputable people why do we even sign anything why don't we just shake hands and say okay we'll pay you this much and you give us the title and we sign it over because what's a piece of paper anyway well that's not the way it was we had an attorney they had an attorney we spent about an hour signing documents that we could scarcely on stand but we signed them anyway why because everybody knows that after you've made the deal you might have buyer's remorse and you might say to yourself I didn't know that the roof leaks I didn't know that there are termites in the Attic I didn't know that the windows don't close properly and we're gonna get new windows furthermore you drive down the street and two blocks away there's this house that you always admired but you never bought it and now suddenly there's a for sale sign on it and you say to yourself oh now what do I do well you know life is tough you sign the documents and what you're gonna have to do is to fix the roof and you're gonna have to take care of the termites and you might have to get new windows but in the process God is gonna develop you and furthermore you know that house down the street that you like so much please be advised that actually you didn't know that did you but that house has a basement that is going to collapse within six months you're lucky if I might use that word you're lucky you didn't buy that other house but you don't know that so you fantasize as to what it would have been if only you had someone better and now you have buyer's remorse and you don't know where to go with it you know of course it is true that that fantasy may only be a fantasy you remember years ago I told you a story about a man who was walking through a psych ward and he got to the first room and there was a man banging his head against a padded cell and he said to the manager what's his problem and he said well he was madly in love with Matilda and Matilda jilted him and he can't handle it so all day long he just bangs his head against the wall Matilda how could you do it Matilda how could you do it when they got to the end of the aisle they noticed that there was another man in a padded cell banging his head against the wall saying Matilda how could you do it Matilda how could you do it the guy said what's his problem he said well he the one who married Matilda the minute your fantasies begin to think about what could have been you're on very very dangerous ground so now there's this couple who says well we don't need that piece of paper mixed messages are being sent on the one hand I love you so much I want to be with you on the other hand another message is being sent namely but I want to keep an escape hatch I want to make sure that I can get out of this with a lot of trouble just in case you and I can't work it out now let's go on to the next thing that the Bible mentions and the implications of that reasoning will be even more clear he says leave father and mother be joined together and they shall become one flesh now we come to a very very mysterious teaching in the Bible and I don't have time to go into it except to say that the one flesh relationship is to mirror God in fact Paul says in the book of Ephesians that men are to love their lives as Christ loved the church the marriage is to mirror God mirror a mirror Jesus Christ relationship to the church and it's not as if the Apostle Paul fought I need an illustration for marriage let me use I need an illustration rather for loving Christ and Christ's relationship to the church let me use marriage the intention of marriage is to mirror God and the oneness that comes through intimacy through sexual intimacy is not just a physical biological experience it is really a metaphysical experience in fact the Apostle Paul says that even if you have a relationship with a prostitute where there is no commitment no love nothing just raw lust he says you're already one body Wow the implications of that which I preached on in previous times are huge it's the most important verse in all the Bible teaches you more about sexuality than all the books on the shelves of our bookstores right there God says you become one flesh body soul and spirit but if you do it without a covenant if you do it without commitment you are really involved in a one flesh relationship but you aren't married and furthermore it is an unholy relationship the only holy relationship is the relationship that you have by the protection of the Covenant a relationship that is totally and completely dependent upon this covenant and by the way I was going to give the illustration of Robertson milk Wilkin regarding the Covenant his wife Muriel had Alzheimer's and he decided to resign the presidency of Columbia College of Bible just to take care of her full-time the board said no we need you there you can always hire as someone else to take care in fact she won't know who's taking care of her anyway but he said it was no decision at all he said it was very clear I'd made the promise till death do us part and he said that he would take care of her and he did until she died years later could I give you just one line of what he said as I watched her become as I watched her descend into oblivion Muriel is the joy of my life daily I discerned new manifestations of the kind of person she is the wife I always loved I also see fresh menis manifestations of God's love and grace the god I long to love more fully that's what it means till death do us part that's the covenant that you make when you get married now here's this couple who says we don't need that kind of a covenant so that we can escape and get out of this and it is an unholy relationship two men together cannot be one flesh two women together in a sexual relationship cannot be one flesh it is the man and it is the woman brought together by God as indicated here in this passage of Scripture that become one flesh and that means that their relationship is not just physical but metaphysical in fact you know that the word one that is used there is the word when God speaks about being one for the oneness of the Trinity and how do those relationships and those unholy relationships you see people get it backwards they think well you know we can have the one flesh relationship here and we can be intimate and then let's work backwards and then we can decide whether or not we want a covenant and whether or not we are gonna leave and cleave occasionally those kinds of marriages work out but with huge difficulty why because those kinds of relationships are sown in this in the soil of deep disappointment hurt and mistrust and almost always they end by blaming by shaming it's your fault you talked me into it no it isn't but look at what you did yada-yada-yada and on and on it goes why because unholy relationships though they have a sense of oneness or not blessed by God you see it's within the confines of the sacred space that we call marriage it is within those confines that you have the blessing of God and that's why it says in the book of Hebrews the marriage bed is undefiled but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge god takes it very very seriously you say well pastor Luther you are going to give us some hope I think it's time for us to talk Turkey in terms of where do we go from here thank you so much for asking I can already see it in your minds folks it's not possible to have a better marriage until you have a better heart that's the key you know I could stand up here and I could tell you about five new ways to communicate and that would last for about two days maybe when you get home maybe tomorrow maybe it would carry over till tomorrow but then you know you'd forget about it in a day or two later you'd be back where you were because we always go back to the default position so oftentimes those kinds of changes are surface changes what kind of a heart if we're going to have a good marriage remember my desire is to help people with good marriages become better bad marriages to become good well what kind of a heart first of all you need a new heart even in the Old Testament it says this a new heart I will give you I'll take from you the heart of stone do you have today a heart of stone you are angry you believe that you have the victim of so much injustice that your heart is hard toward God toward your mate maybe even toward your family and the Bible says a new heart I will give you now that's the gospel jesus said except you be born again you'll not see the kingdom of God and it has to do with the fact that Jesus died on the cross not just to take our sin away but to make us new creatures we are new creatures in Christ there's actually a miracle that takes place within us that is called the new birth if you've not experienced that you have never understood the wonder of God's forgiveness and you may like Christ you may even worship Christ in your own way but in your heart of hearts you've never been changed by God and that comes with it a change of desire so cry up to God to receive the good gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ you and I need first of all we need a new heart secondly we need an honest heart an honest heart this is where it gets difficult it's possible to have a new heart and you're still not honest so in your marriage relationships you have all of these ghosts that are never addressed there are people who have been married for 25 or 30 years and they have never addressed all of the issues that divide them so they methodically go through they live together in the same house they may connect in many ways occasionally but they already know we don't talk about the relatives here we don't talk about his father we don't talk about his mother we don't talk about her parents and the bad influence they have on our kids we just don't go there couples want to tell you you have to go there if you want not only a one sole relationship but you want that relationship to spill over into a caring sensitive fulfilling relationship you can't pretend that the past doesn't exist that's why I've given you an assignment this week couples I'll tell you what it's going to be I want you to get into a safe place just the two of you and I want you to discuss some of the questions that are there in the bulletin don't look now but they're there and ask yourself to what extent have they relatives influenced us to what extent have we not left father and mother and what impact is that having on our family now there's a good question to begin with and if you can get through that one without a fight then you can also go on to other questions what influence do past relationships still have what influence do certain habits have on our relationship that intrude on this sacred space that has been mapped out by God for the two of us this is hard work but it's promising work and God blesses it and by the way if you're a single and you're wondering what your assignment is actually this one applies to the married people to 1st Thessalonians chapter 4 it's in there the bulletin 1st Thessalonians 4 the first eight verses read it and ask yourself the question what should those verses mean to me as a single person struggling with sexual issues Wow stick of dynamite so that's the assignment for the married one set of questions for the single the other but first this four applies to all of us married and single and that's where some of you need some help you may need to go for counseling because you may not be able to deal with all these issues without some objectivity and help next you need a forgiving heart you need a forgiving heart if you can't ask for forgiveness and then forgive those who ask you for forgiveness don't get married don't get married at this point just break it off I remember asking a couple by the way I said to this guy I don't know that I ever said this before but they were having marriage counseling before they were married and I said if your wife were in a tragic accident on your honeymoon and we're a quadriplegic for the rest of your life a rest of her life could you handle it he thought about that and decided you know what I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage well here's another one do you remember I told you years ago about Rebekah and I being at the airport there in Minneapolis and she was getting me a sandwich as she lovingly always does always looking out for my needs wish that I looked out for hers as well as she does for mine and and somebody was watching us there was a woman just across the way there at the terminal and she said you know I noticed that the two of you get along very well and I thought well thank God for that I mean that's wonderful and then she said this she said I'm gonna be married soon what advice do you have for me you know I'm looking around you know I'm thinking Oh while I'm a preacher I should be able to answer this question it's the kind of thing that I'm supposed to be able to answer Rebecca didn't have to roll her eyes instantly she said have the ability to forgive I thought well Thank You Rebecca I appreciate you so much considering who you live with yeah the ability to forgive you are not quick to ask forgiveness for your wrongs and to humble yourself and then to receive other people's forgiveness and grant them their forgiveness when they ask for it I don't see how this marriage can make progress God wants us to change the way in which we live every marriage becoming better bad marriages becoming good but Oh what he has to sometimes take us through before we get the message the lowest depths last week I received a letter from a couple here at the moody church and I received their permission obviously I wouldn't do it without their permission to read parts of it to you it was a letter of thanks to the church but you've got to hear this my wife and I descended into what seemed like a bottomless pit worse than our marriage being in tatters was the condition we were in physically mentally and spiritually one long year led to two long years in two to three and at that point it was too much to bear I would say that we were like a man who was struggling to stay afloat without drowning but we did go under and drown on many occasions for a guy like me who likes to control and have a certain pride and playing my cards right I can only describe the totality of our situation as an utter and complete train wreck there was carnage everywhere and I was praying that God would take one or both of us from this planet to end the pain by the grace of God our loving Heavenly Father was there working all along at first perhaps not preceptive ly but over time as we persevered and persevered a little more and a little more God showed up he showed up because we ceded to him the proper authority he deserves he showed up because we began to ask him to deal with our own hearts rather than that of the other person you realize what you're hearing here today Wow he showed up at 2:00 a.m. as we were singing hymns in her bedroom during a bout of demonic activity in her house and by the way the devil wants your marriage to break up God showed up through the hands and feet of you and many others at Moody Church who diligently stayed close to us in prayer I don't know if there are other couples at Moody Church who had their own days of prayer and fasting but we did because we needed it we needed a big God for our big problems and he showed up in a big way the other day I asked my wife if we have it as good as ever and she corrected me and said we have never had it this good what we have now is much better now they go on to point out they aren't perfect obviously he says when we do have fights they don't escalate but end in genuine seeking of reconciliation now catch this line not only do we love each other but we actually like each other as well for a while we neither love nor respected each other and now we do both in fact God has even granted us a ministry and then he goes on to say that thank all the people at Moody Church he mentions some specific names that I won't name who stood with them and then he ended it jesus paid it all all to him I owe sin has left a crimson stain he and then in parens he adds he really washed it white as snow did you all hear what God can do when he shows up in a marriage I don't know what God talked to you about today some of you have to receive Christ as Savior so that you might get a new heart some of you have to go home you have to begin to listen like you've never listened before without judging just listen you need to talk you need to deal with these issues painful ohlmeyer they painful but in the end when there is reconciliation and forgiveness it is all worthwhile worthwhile and then some of you have some huge forgiveness issues but all of us need God to show up and he is there if we're willing to pay the price of honesty and commitment that's what marriage is begin there would you join me as we pray together and even as we pray together I'm reminded of the last line of this letter jesus paid it all all to him I owe sin as left a crimson stain he makes it white as snow can you accept the fact that your first responsibility is to deal with God then after you've dealt with God to deal with the issues and we can't do that here you need to go home you need to draw a circle around the two of you you need some long talks father however imperfectly we have spoken today my heart cries out for marriages that are so painful so hurtful Oh God we pray that you might rescue them show up maybe at night maybe during the day but we ask father that you will come on a rescue we thank you that no matter how dark it gets you also throw us a rope Oh father do that in our lives even as we sing together about your love in Jesus name Amen you know as a pastor of course I have seen many marriages I've seen good marriages I've seen bad marriages I have also seen some bad marriages be made good and good marriages made better could I just encourage you and remind you that because of God's grace and power even if your marriage didn't get off to a good start God is able to use it to rebuild relationships and to make it what it can be under his good hand you know that every time we have an assignment for you and this week it is first Thessalonians chapter 4 in that passage of Scripture the Apostle Paul talks about sexual temptation would be good for you to read that section ponder it maybe even memorize it because you and I know that we live in an age where the temptations are great and they are everywhere and be sure to tune in next time because I'm going to be talking about the sensitive matter of money in fact the topic is till death do us part you'll want to tune in use that discussion guide and I'll see you right here next time you're watching Pastor Lutzer on moody Church media if you enjoyed this and would like to hear additional teaching from God's Word please subscribe to this channel or visit our website at moody Media org may God bless you richly

Channel: Moody Church Media

Views: 4,617

Rating: 4.8446603 out of 5

Keywords: Erwin Lutzer, Pastor Lutzer, Christian Living, Guilt, Shame, God, Jesus Christ, Moody Church, Christianity, Moody Church Media, Running to Win, Moody Church Hour, Forgiveness, Ephesians, Bible, Inheritance of the Redeemed, blessings, gifts of god, holy spirit, christian church, protestantism, union with christ, family, parenting, motherhood, fatherhood, pornography, conflict

Id: 8UVXsrkCsx0

Length: 41min 10sec (2470 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 16 2019