PARENTING ADHD Tip #5: Things NOT to Say to an ADHD Child || Parenting ADHD || Homeschooling ADHD

why am I about to say this snarky biting comment that I'm going to wish back in a second I'm going to say it probably because I'm afraid or I'm hungry or I'm tired as parents we all say things we don't mean to our kids but when you have a child with ADHD it becomes a whole lot easier and a lot more damaging when you say them stick around to hear some of the doozies hi everybody welcome back to project happy home for those of you who are new here I'm Tanya an MD JD turned homeschooling mom of three kids ages seven four and two my eldest has ADHD and as a mom of a child with ADHD I thought it would be helpful to share with other parents things that I've been learning things that we're trying things that have worked for us and things that haven't as well as just some stories about how we go through life when we have a child with ADHD which is definitely not the norm shall we say one of the things I want to talk about today were the things you should really try hard not to say to a child of ADHD particularly because they tend to have a lack of emotional self control and they mature later than other children of their same chronological age in this area of maintaining control over their emotions of maintaining this connection between their higher brain functions and their lower brain functions and so when we as parents lose control ourselves which is entirely justified much of the time and unleash upon our children who have ADHD it is received in a much more intensely negative fashion than it may be received by a neurotypical child and that's something to hold on to one thing I found that super helpful when I lose control and that happens frequently one thing I found helps me is to simply remind myself you are feeling this angry you are feeling this frustrated because you are afraid this feeling this intense feeling of rage of disappointment really is rooted in fear like I have a fear that he will not learn how to do whatever time it is that he just didn't do that he will not learn how to do his morning routine on his own or his nighttime routine on his own but when I have that fear I take that moment that breath to be like this feeling of anger is coming from fear and then I take a moment to self-soothe to tell myself you know what it's an unreasonable fear this will come with time he will not be a thirty year old gentleman who cannot brush his teeth and get his clothes on and go to work on time he will figure this out we just have to be patient and hold their hand along the way until they're ready for that when he's an adult he will be able to put away his things because we will have practiced it every day so that it becomes a routine for him so that it becomes easier for him and I think taking a moment to quell your own fear to quell your own discomfort and disquiet goes a long way in shutting your mouth before you say whatever hurtful thing you were going to say in your moment of panic and anger so some of the things that I think you should never say to your child are and I pulled these from my own life but also from the internet are you're stupid I really just like the word stupid I teach my kids not to use it and I basically reserved it for actually stupid things like when I see someone doing something incredibly dangerous I might use that word but I've tried to cut it out from my vocabulary entirely because I find that my son especially takes the word to heart as a permanent characteristic as opposed to a description of a one particular behavior so when we say words like you're blank and it's a negative word they might take it as a very permanent imprint on who they are as people when really we're just angry and saying something because they've done something that might be stupid so I think it's important to stop using words like you and paired with a negative word instead say I or I feel disappointed that this and because that is honest I feel disappointed that I told you to pick up your toys and you haven't picked them up yet can I help you do it now something like that if you have to release that emotion but again if you take that moment to just breathe and feel where your negative emotion is coming from it'll open yourself up to a lot more compassion for your kid and having a handout and saying can I help you with this is really helpful saying if they haven't done a task using a gerund instead of a command like we're cleaning is very helpful or just saying cleaning or brushing your teeth instead of saying brush your teeth or go clean is just a helpful way of giving them a reminder that's not so judgmental and negative another thing is that ADHD kids I've heard apparently hear like a huge proportion more of negative comments during the day than neurotypical children both from the outside world for two example teachers and grandparents and friends and neighbors and and everyone including their parents so at least you as their parent can diminish that a bit by giving them positive reinforcement and giving them praise I know there's a lot of controversy nowadays about how much praise we should give our children I think we can definitely go overboard with it but I think giving them specific praises for behaviors can be very helpful especially for an ADHD child find the opportunity to praise them if they've made their bed even if it's a little bit sloppy say you know thanks so much for making your bed today or you made your bed really well today you know you make your bed so much better now than when you were five something to show them that progress is happening emphasize that growth mindset show them that you're on their team one of the things I read recently about when you see negative behaviors instead of saying things like don't do that you can make it an inclusive family thing where you say that's not how we roll you know that's not how we do things so that they know it's not just about them it's all of us together this is a rule for all of us this is a behavioral expectation for all of us not just them another thing not to say is I love you but when we talk to them about a misbehavior or reflection at the end of the day the temptation to say I love you but it's really important that you learn how to clean up your room or but it's really important that you learn how to sit still through your math lesson or but it's really important that bla bla bla I think they stopped listening after the but and I think it totally negates the I love you because it's wrapped up in this admonishment so another thing I'm trying to eliminate entirely and I think I pretty much succeeded with this one so yeh it's been slow going is I love you but and a much better way to say it is I love you and and and opens up your mind and your heart to all the other things you love about them and the praise you can give them right there I love you and I think you've been doing such a great job recently playing with your sister nicely something like that another thing that drives me crazy which I despise is when people say to a ADHD child why can't you be normal why can't you be like your sister and that is just I mean just a punch in the gut right to this kid's self-esteem so try to avoid comparing them to other kids who legitimately might have an easier time following our rules and our regulations and our expectations for appropriate behavior why can't you is an answer that we already have the answer is ADHD they have diminished executive functioning we already know the answer to this when we ask why can't you be normal why can't you be like your sister we are really just being mean and that's the truth because we already have the answer we're just indulging in a little parental adult tantrum we need to exhibit self-control for our kids who are having a harder time with it we can't expect them to already know what it looks like this is something that I've heard from friends that I've also seen on the internet when children with they are on meds and my son is not so I don't really have this happen there is a tendency to ask whether they took their meds or whether they're on meds or whether they had their meds today all of which are incredibly rude for very obvious reasons one you don't know if the child is on medication do you don't know anything about this family's experience 3 I very much doubt that you have done as much research as this particular family on medication and whether you know at all their reasons for putting their child on medication or not so step back especially if you are not the parent and if you are the parent and you're dealing with a teenager or something definitely don't ask in that rude judgy way to imply that their behavior is less than exemplary have you taken your meds today it is rude on every single level and deeply deeply unkind and insensitive to someone who is not neurotypical another thing that can really hurt the feelings of a child with ADHD is making fun of them or making a wisecrack about something they said or story they're relating with great intensity and enthusiasm because they might not think it's funny and they are telling you with all earnestness and joy and this probably applies to all children but like I said because ADHD children can be a little bit more emotionally volatile they take it to heart a little bit more so guard their heart take a breath before you respond to their enthusiasm with with hilarity or joke because a lot of times all we have to say in response to these really enthusiastic silly absurd stories is uh-huh tell me more and what's that thingy over there on this Lego thing you built that's all you don't have to join them in their imaginary world you don't have to pretend you can literally just invite them with an open-ended question to tell you more tell me more is a great way of indicating interest in what they're saying without ridiculing them and just really open yourself up to the story because I'm sure it's entertaining if ridiculous so some people on the internet have and that people have told them I'm so glad that my kid isn't like that or I feel so bad for you that you have to deal with this or other very very holier-than-thou comments that I find remarkable in their horribleness so I'm pretty sure my viewers are not the types of people to be saying these things to other parents but like I said you know before we say anything to the parents of a special-needs child think about what it must be like in their shoes think about what it's like in that child's shoes and there is so much positivity that comes into their life because of these quirks we all run on a spectrum we are all weird in our own ways just because we've given a name to this particular brand of weirdness or that particular brand doesn't mean that we are excluded or perfect or anything neurotypical only goes so far right it's all shades of gray so I think that if we all approach each other with compassion these things won't happen but on behalf of all normal reasonable kind people out there I truly apologize that these horrible mean people exist so for those people on the internet who complained about this and there were quite a few I mean my heart hurts for you that that ever happened and just to conclude this I'll let you know like I have messed up a thousand times probably a million I will mess up today most likely I already messed up today a couple times and I'm sure I have a few left in the rest of the hours for the day but when you mess up apologize let them know that you lost control use a lot of the same vocabulary you use when you talk to them about control and emotional control especially talk about your upstairs brain your downstairs brain talk about your amygdala talk about how this is actually happening I got upset because I was a little bit afraid that you would never learn to clean your room but I know that's silly you're going to learn to clean your room when I was seven I didn't my roommate well either make them feel loved make them feel like this isn't the biggest deal in the world this isn't the end of the world because it isn't and that's what I have to come back to and I found it really helpful to just focus on that why am I so upset why am I about to say this snarky biting comment that I'm going to wish back in a second I'm going to say it probably because I'm afraid or I'm hungry or is tired and I need to address that need wanting to yell at our kids wanting to scream and shout and have a chant room isn't a horrible thing it's a signal from our body saying we need to do something for ourselves we need to suit ourselves somehow I think that as a parent having compassion for yourself and your own reactions goes a long way in making your child's life easier so as I've said before I make all these mistakes a million times a day and it helps me to talk about them and to talk through them I hope you in no way think I'm preaching to you because I am definitely right there in the midst of this and I'm trying to improve every day so that my son's relationship with his father and I can be better and so that he can feel more emotionally secure as he grows up into a fine young man so as always thank you so much for watching this and I wish you the very best day if you have any comments don't forget to leave them down below and if you like this video don't forget to subscribe thanks again [Music]

Channel: Project Happy Home

Views: 243,549

Keywords: parenting ADHD tip, ADHD tip, parenting ADHD, things not to say to an ADHD child, homeschooling adhd, adhd in children, adhd parenting tips, adhd tip, attention deficit disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (disease or medical condition), living with adhd, managing adhd, project happy home, raising a child with adhd, raising an ADHD child, adhd symptoms in children, parenting adhd tips, managing adhd at home

Id: WPHRXVlLQg8

Length: 15min 0sec (900 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 09 2017