*ONE HOUR!!* OF THE BEST R/ASKREDDIT VIDEOS PT.1

what is the worst case of post not regret you've ever had I messed around with a girl just after being discharged from the USMC alcohol was involved and one thing led to another turns out she got pregnant but we discussed this before and she was going to get an abortion I gave her two hundred point zero zero for this but instead she chose not to go through with it now I pay 800 point zero zero a month in child support to a person that I despise and watch as she has a much better life than I do with my money I lost my truck my job and I suffer from really bad depression as well and I'm constantly deliberating on whether or not eating a nine-millimeters would be the best [ __ ] you I could deliver having sex a few times after I broke up with my manipulative ex she would play nice for a few days then we'd had sex and she'd try to get back together found out a couple days ago that she has been sleeping with at least one other guy as well all while telling me she was only sleeping with me she's tried to trap me into a pregnancy before and I have a feeling that's what she's trying to do again needless to say we are going to be having sex again well [ __ ] this brings back memories of one of my exes forgot to take her birth control pill oh my anis my guardian angel saved my ass from having kids I slept with my best friend we had made all these rules and deals that ensured we'd stay best friends forever we did it a few times she fell in love and I didn't I ended up breaking her heart and now she wants nothing to do with me like what I'll never stop regretting her loss as a friend and she'll never stop hating me she's probably always been in love with you she was probably hoping sex would open your eyes and make you fall in love back I met this one girl on tinder and we finally decide we are gonna go and [ __ ] she told me beforehand that she's only ever met up with one other guy on tinder and they dated for eight months so after we [ __ ] she asked if I wanted to see a movie with her and I agreed as to not seem like an inconsiderate [ __ ] and the whole time she kept on calling me babe and kept on trying to kiss me in front of everyone all I can tell you that that was the long two and a half hours of my life what did you see best one that comes to mind is probably with my most recent now ex-girlfriend our relationship happened super suddenly and got really [ __ ] intense she also had baby fever and fell for me hard very early on we discussed condoms being a must and then she pretty quickly changed her mind so we [ __ ] without condoms then she had the audacity mid-fuck to beg me to come inside of her even after we discussed contraception and talked about not doing that she was on birth control but also mentioned that she forgot often and I'm not [ __ ] chancing it she did this to me a few times only asking for it in the middle of having sex before she realized how shameful and shitty it is to do that one time I was a split second away from actually doing it and I guess that's among the worst of the post not shame with both experienced everytime post recap that I [ __ ] my manipulative beep owner ex we always had great six amazing I would say my top three sexual experiences are all with her but I always knew what would happen she would randomly text me for booty calls until I caved then we would [ __ ] then the three-month cycle of toxicity would start only ending when I stopped talking to her again three 6mo later it would start again with the texting so probably that multiple times hooked up with an ex instantly regretted it she wanted to get back together I just wanted to come on her tits did you come on her tits though asking the real questions I had sex with a coconut felt bad about it the coconut was nonplussed got Danny never change word it get out you heathen she wanted to do it without a condom we'd been off and on for a while and I knew she was on the pill I'd seen her taking it but was being extra careful the one time at the end she wanted to go without to make it extra special course he'd never done that with anyone so I went for it I didn't really worry about it except then she disappeared and I didn't see her again for a long time and I always half wondered if maybe I got her pregnant area stark sexy not the stock I wanted to see naked I also think they took Ned out too fast my first time she blew me and then stopped to get on top during that time I lost my erection and so I spent the next five minutes trying to jerk myself back to it ended up staying soft but came anyway virgin [ __ ] up probably when I chipped a tooth on an almond $200 down the drain did you still swallow the nut though spitters are quitters a real man never quits hooking up with my manipulative ex because I was horny you and me both buddy that sex was amazing but the aftermath was guilt to the maximum had a one-night stand with a friend who communicated ahead of time that she just wanted to hook up and blow off some steam during spring break the next day she told me she loved me and I didn't have those same feelings I'm convinced we'd still be friends if we never slept together my first time was with this girl I absolutely hated and I had done it out of spite because my ex had dumped me for not being ready to have sex and then I got stuck in a seven-month relationship with this horrible girl because I made stupid decisions when I was emotionally compromised and refused to admit it instead of just dumping her been there done that got the t-shirt about 15 years ago I [ __ ] my boss daughter after the work Christmas party I was the junior developer there and was the golden boy until point he phoned her in the morning when I was already knee-deep in the fear and she just casually told him she was next to me in my bed I lost my job not long into the new year for having an untidy desk or some other made up excuse my biggest regret is that I lost my job and I didn't even get to not because I was too hammered did you go after them for wrongful termination he had an untidy desk dude sleeping with his boss's daughter had absolutely no relation to his firing of course I was whacking to a Mariah statue at the back of this church I felt disgusted after but in my deference that statue had some real boo-boos on her thank you I got really tired of reading about shitty exes this didn't help so this happened last year at college I was kinda bust on a Tuesday afternoon and I started jet in Kleinert hold up so I go on tinder and swiped through my matches and find a girl that's not too hot but not gross I hit her arm and she immediately wants to smash and I tell her I'll do it but she's got a pick me up and take me to her place an hour away so anyway we get there and do the deed and right after I finish she climbs on me and starts saying stuff like that was the best sex ever you're great etcetera and I'm thinking girl I lasted about four minutes in two of them I wasn't even doing anything that's when the post nut clarity kicked in and I go oh hey I forgot I have a team lifted the gym yeah got had dropped me off like now so she dropped me off and start saying stuff like when will I see you again I just said thanks for the ride and went into my building making sure the keycard door locked behind me never to be seen again she still dm's me on insta saying how I ruined any relationship she will ever have with a guy because I was the one girl Jemma break I'd [ __ ] her again but I'm known to live dangerously I've thought about it but I always beat my meat before I make rash decisions drunken hookup with a Rando little older and bigger than typical target demographic but it was last call and she was fun and had huge tubes hot and heavy [ __ ] in the elevator etc got her back and went to work she was a little uncomfortable in her own skin and had a hard time letting go gave it my best shot but after a couple hours I threw in the towel and passed out next morning I awoke the goo-goo eyes and hi baby she was all about lounging around and having another girl tried not to be rude but she wasn't getting the message so I asked her if she wanted coffee which I served to her in bed in a go cup later legend has it she is still in your bed to this very day savage but classy ass credit people have read it what are some of the guy code and girl code unwritten rules that he always follow when a girl says I won't tell anyone what she really means is I won't tell anyone except my best friend source girl I won't tell anyone that you know if you hear anything about a girl having a thing for your bro you tell him immediately I don't care if you're in the jungle with no cell phone service you walk back to the nearest cell phone tower and let him know so he can get laid never stealer bros large fry or the accidental curly fry if your friends help you move you are expected to be packed already and be provide pizza and beer Lou Mayo I hate how many times I showed up to help friends move and they have nothing packed and not enough boxes what should take a couple hours turns into an all-day marathon treat your friends go as if she's a guy guy code never try to get weather friends past flame without explicit discussion and permission gasps your friend up when their crushes present driver gets the aux cable until responsibility is delegated heart-to-hearts are for after 3:00 a.m. my girlfriend was telling me last night that she always carries an extra pad or tampon because you'll never know when another woman may need one and not have one she said it's an unwritten rule for women that even if you hate the person you will give them one if they need it got me thinking what other run written rules have I not heard of edit front page yo Q my sister she caressed the kinds of pads and tampons for backups for the people she likes she carries the fairly nice stuff that she uses herself for the people she doesn't like she carries the cheapest nastiest dollar store tampons and pads you can imagine made out of cardboard and orphan tears yeah my sister is petty girl code if something is fixable within 5 minutes make up something stuck in teeth small things on appearance you tell her and help her if needed if it isn't fixable on the spot you keep your mouth shut and especially don't point it out to others last slice of pizza or last pop slash fear always goes to who paid for it if you all chipped in you don't have to ask but you have to tell and never take both in the same hangout no matter what the earlier rules say never mess with the music in another person's car don't care how crap you think they're tasters if you know someone else had a regrettable hookup no you don't not even if you fall out and become enemies you don't remember no haven't seen him at the pub I only had one chance to exercise this girl code rule but once I was passing a girl in the lobby of a building and she told me that she had just gotten the straight perm and was waiting for the rain to pass before she went outside so I let her share my umbrella for 4 to 5 blocks while we walk to her bus stop together I would do that for any woman if it happened again perms are dollar sign 200 plus can take up to 3 hours and are ruined if you get them wet within 48 hours of having the procedure done when your best friend's dies you have to delete his internet history common courtesy if you sell a buddy a car or anything of value cheaper than normal because they are a friend that friend must offer to sell it back to you before offering it to the general public my grandpa gave me a car and when my brother needed a car I gave it to him when my sister needed a car he gave it to her when it needed breaks and exhaust work she took it to the junkyard kept the money I'm still better that car had enormous sentimental value it was a 1990 oldsmobile 98 it was so [ __ ] cool but if a guy needs a Tampin you give it to him no questions asks I'm from the south so some of mine are probably southern type of things don't kill an animal unless you are going to eat it unless he starts it you must defend your friend in a fight regardless of the odds if he started it you intervene before he gets [ __ ] up too bad but only enough to extricate him from the situation if you go fishing and it's not your boat you buy the beer ice and bait for close friends show up to funerals weddings and birthdays even if you don't want to pay for the bachelor at his bachelor party if a friend is going through a bad breakup it is the responsibility of the bro tribe to keep him out of the house as much as possible for the first few months if your friend is generally a hardworking industrious guy and they hit a financial rough spot and you can help you help in the event of a hurricane or other disaster assemble the brothers grab the chainsaws shovels coolers and beer and go house to house fixing [ __ ] don't wait for [ __ ] FEMA do the [ __ ] yourself if a bro is in jail and you can afford to post bail then you post bail if a bro is stranded somewhere you go get him regardless of what time it is if you are fighting no matter what don't touch the balls edit of course if someone is trying to kill you crush these [ __ ] into a black hole at least two Pat's on the back when hugging another guy no sniffing their neck either it's kind of frowned upon unless you are asked and willing to provide further details keep remarks about the time you spent with someone vague and borderline childish example you've spent a night with your GF you did everything for morale to new positions to using some of her toys your description and summation of all these events can be stated as I got some you absolutely never share a glass of milk with another man this is odd I've never seen such a four concept brought to my doorstep that I immediately agreed with brothers before hos but not before wives sure it sucks when a buddy has to stay home for a weekend camping trip but if his wife's sick and they have a three-month-old it's probably best that he keeps his family's interests above your own haha a guy I know is getting married soon and his bachelor party was supposed to be last weekend well his best man couldn't make it as it was two weeks before his wife's due date which everybody knew about before the groom picked the date so the groom told off the best man and uninvited him from the wedding because he chose his wife and possibly the birth of his first child instead of camping along a river getting drunk if their bedroom door open be careful to sound your approach before popping in never know what he's up to at urinal dick in hand don't talk to me ma'am if you see another girl in an uncomfortable situation you try to get her out of there or at least let her know that you got her back I've done it for everyone from my sister to my friends to my friends mom's one time at a school event my best friend's mom somehow ended getting an unsolicited massage from another parent with boundary issues and I quickly made an excuse up that I needed help at the concession stand no one is too old or too young to do this on the more life that it's side in my experience when you hug another girl you always try to slock the boobs by going slightly to the side so that you don't just mash your chests together and hurt someone thou shalt never hold the bras wingman duties against him when you're chatting up a girl I don't care how unattractive a friend he's flirting with us or how bad his flirting technique is when he's distracting the air defenses to give you a clear run at the target you do not insult his flying girl code when or another girl asks how she looks if you have something negative to point out do it gently and follow up with at least one or more positive you gotta use the sandwich compliment insult compliment as a guy that lifts weights and has brought some of his other male and two female for into the fold you never ever slander another person's weight on any lifts if your friend is 250 pounds and only benches 135 but is trying his ass off then you never make a sound other than howling intense encouragement at them the rule in my basement is everything is heavy to somebody as long as you're giving it your Flass then the number is irrelevant when was the moment you realized that your best friend wasn't your best friend our conversations were getting shorter and less intriguing one day I received great news and wanted to share it to my best friend I then realized that they deleted and blocked me on Facebook while they were driving everyone decided they wanted to party no one had money so they suggested they should call Val virtus he always has money I was sitting in the back seat I was like I'm right here and I'm not in the mood to party tonight I was totally this guy bud wood tree I was always hooked up and knew everyone in town that's all got pretty much so whenever a friend of mine had a drought they'd always come to me but then these two fellas decided I'm always holding and that they could save a fortune just mooching off me I'd be more than happy to sell a cut of whatever I was holding but that's never what these two wanted they just wanted to put their feet up at my place all afternoon and smoke my weed once I was at work and they texted me asking if I left my door unlocked for them what we live in a [ __ ] [ __ ] no my doors not [ __ ] and locked not even when I'm home do I leave a deadbolt open so naturally the follow-up was if they could get my keys so they can hang out at my place and asked where I keep my tree in the same message texted than a long tangent about how disrespectful they're being and all he could [ __ ] say was chill the [ __ ] out bro it's not a big deal next time they came over I happily packed and let my bar and when the guy reached out for me to pass it over I just - bro and took another amp after I told him he ain't smoking if he can't match and somehow that makes me the Delaine they left early that day and stopped coming over after a couple more attempts at stoking my hard-earned but when we went out to eat and I offered her to pay as usual because she told me that she forgot her purse she hoarded loads of food and ate only half of it after leaving her shoelace was loose and she bent over to tie her shoe and a $100 bill was sticking out of her back pocket she did this for four years and I never realized gave her another chance without saying a word three days later I found out she was constantly using my Instagram to text my ex-boyfriend to end my current relationship I think she never got slapped so hard when my best friend had marriage troubles I was there for him all through his wife's infidelity the divorce and the custody battle I testified on his behalf in court and he got custody of the kids fast forward two years later when I find out my wife is cheating on me he's not really interested in talking to me about it so much and even acts like he's not her when I stopped by for a visit and know he wasn't the one my wife was cheating with he's a good dad and a fun guy to hang around with but he's just not emotionally available to help other people out much when she got s face drunk at my son's her god son's wedding trashed a hotel room called me horrible names and punched me closed fist in the face she ended up passed out on the grounds of the hotel came to and was arrested for trespassing because she refused to leave the premises days later via email blaming me because she didn't really she was harboring so much animosity towards me bye-bye when I found out she was sleeping with my boyfriend King itch when they would talk and talk and talk about themselves but never asked about me this can be a tricky one especially if you're an introvert it can seem like a full relationship because you learned so much about them but later you finally realize they don't know about you because they never asked or have to go when you start talking about yourself sucks to realize it I found out she was uploading my art to a bad art blog I only found out because she sent me two paragraphs telling me I was a horrible friend anonymously on tumblr then when I went to her crying over at wondering who it was she said it was her and then blocked me I thought I could still fix things but then I found the bad art blog with my art on it and found out she was talking [ __ ] about me to her other friends I was only 15 and even though it's been a year since it I'm still [ __ ] up by it in some ways if you don't like someone don't pretend to like them and make fun of them behind their backs just let them know you feel like you can't be friends in a more and distance yourself yeah that will hurt in the short term but it won't monumentally [ __ ] over Simone's entire psychos being fake will best friends for a couple of years we were in different classes I wrote her a message that I be on my way to her when I arrived she forgot to alt-tab the chat window with someone else making fun of me at the worst possible way at that time she was mildly friend was tough to have no friends after that falling in time this might not sound like a lot but I think that scared me and I'm still struggling making friends edit holy [ __ ] that way that responses is just crazy thanks for everyone who's reaching out to me also thanks for the silver kind stranger best friend of 15 years it all unraveled the night he told my cousin to kill herself tried to start a fight with multiple people at my house and slipped off my mom edit yes he was drunk at the time no I'm not reaching out to him disrespect to my family is an irredeemable offense in my eyes he's out of my life completely now my best friend of high-school someone who I thought would be in my life for a long time started to hit on a girl that I was talking to he would lie about me to change her opinion of me and the best part is he never admitted to a thing maybe not that bad but I felt really betrayed when I opened up to her about my postpartum depression and she told me that she didn't have time for depression and it was week I was never vulnerable with her but I was dying inside I needed someone and she had told me she didn't care I began shutting her out there when she told me my husband and I would make hideous babies because redheaded babies are the ugliest things she has ever seen she also locked me out of our hotel for hours from home with no way home at 3:00 a.m. that same day after an argument over her saying my husband kills people for a living he's a chemist who works on developing chemotherapy that was the last time I've spoken to her four years ago such a jealous woman every time she called me I would have to poop literally the sound of her voice would make my body want to expel waste and this was before cell phones so I had to do the poop dance in the hallway while trying to get off the phone with her when I invited her to hang out with me at the nearby lake for my birthday she said she would get back to me she never did instead she posted on her snapchat story about how much fun she was having with her other friends I stopped talking to her after that I have lived within two hours of him for the last six years and he has never come to visit me always me visiting him last straw had a huge July 4th BB cue and invited him and he declined so he could go to a lake with strangers [ __ ] you Rick that's [ __ ] up I'm out of touch with my sister who's lived within an hour's drive of me my whole life and only visited once in 17 years I visited her uncountable times went to her wedding her diploma ceremony birthdays played with her kids random social calls six years ago I moved to the same city 15 minutes away I invited her over multiple times even setting a date three times she just didn't show up without canceling I had to get free from work two of those days which wasn't easy after the third time when my amazingly social and friendly room had came in all enthusiastic to meet my sister finally and saw the disappointment on my face she told me it's just unfair she was right bye-bye sees what are some girls secrets guys don't know about the aftermath of shaving Our Lady parts is a two week long nightmare after three days of smoothness we are left with the world's that shiest stubble rubbing up against panties ingrown hairs from the constant pressure of yoga pants and skinny jeans not to mention the fact that our vajayjay now feels like the face of a scruffy man edit all that you'd saying just keep shaving it then idk if you read the other replies but it actually makes it no less than 100x worse 0.3 days plus I'm lucky if I get a day and a half we get so turned on that our [ __ ] actually hurts sometimes the throb throb on my knob might not be a girl exclusive thing but I personally need a lot more foreplay to actually enjoy sex most of the time I can't get off from strictly penetration no matter how badly we both want it can we bring back dry humping it never left I think most girls appreciate emotional support in those situations more than advice when I'm crying I don't want my partner to tell me what I should do my wife says I don't want you to fix it I just want to tell you about it took me a while to get used to that same reasoning applies to daughters in pants hard belch big actual pic of your dick what my girlfriend just told me though is apparently the gray sweet pants make it look so much better and not many guys tell you that like so much better the gray pants tick print is everything when girls are particular about their hair products it's not us being overly superficial or cakey when your hair is long the right shampoo / conditioner / drying routine can be the difference between soft waves and a dry ratty mess this my boyfriend doesn't understand why I can't just use his shampoo / conditioner two-in-one his hair is soft using it so mine would be too in his eyes what he doesn't realize it's all of his hair is an inch or two away from his scalp and mine isn't the ends would be so dry we love it when you mow and make noises during sex don't be the silent type let me know I'm pleasing you god dammit this is one of the number one things that get me off silent partners make for sad sex the true reason we go to the toilet together is that the waiting queue would usually so long that alone we will they get really bored and we feel a little excluded from the conversation for some minutes when we come back to the group so we go together and chat the whole time we are waiting honestly it's a little like the yawn response where if someone else needs to pee it feels like maybe I do too at least in my experience not a single girl I've ever interacted with has been turned on by an unsolicited big-big and trust me dee has tried drunk girls in the bathroom are the nicest girls in the world same in men's bathroom brothers for life some of the best friendships you'll ever have law seriously immediate bonding for [ __ ] sake if I say I'm about to [ __ ] that does not mean change one single thing about what you're doing don't go faster or slower or god forbid change the position just stay exactly as you are please sometimes you [ __ ] up the rhythm by saying that edit now I'm about to come thinking about you coming and now I'm afraid of getting there first is there anything on my butt is code for has my period leaks bro is there anything on my butt now I don't see any blood what are you talking about Kris I'm not stupid I Brow's reddit I'm super late to this party but I lift my boobs up so I feel like I can breath without the weight of them have no idea if anyone else does this tbh it's a great feeling once in a while I put mine on a table and I imagine this is what it feels to be free guy here I do this with my belly every so often something which is is it a yeast infection is it a bacterial infection is your pubic hair growing back in is it dryness is it irritation did something get stuck in your underwear the answer is that 99% of the time everything is fine but you're still gonna worry and squirm uncomfortably trying to get it to stop and also least infections in general much more common thn one would think and absolutely goddamn ruthless a yeast infection feels like someone shoved a sea urchin up your snatch some of us get extremely horny during the period or little before that not the best timing and not so many mending it my wife gets only and irritable at the same time definitely not the best combo she'll complain all day and then wonder why I wasn't enthusiastically initiating anything in bed it took me a few years to notice the pattern same few days before horny half but also Sallee rotated few days after extremely close but not horny at all no winning at all half the time I'm readjusting my bra I'm actually trying to scratch my nipple edit seven point eight K upvotes thanks guys whenever re adjust my pants chances are I'm trying to scratch my nuts so I can relate law so true some of us have to shave our toes and nipples I pluck those and little happy trails put me down for all of the above I suppose guys are warned about unexpected boners when they get sex ed the same how girls are warned that discharges normal as they are going through puberty I see a lot of discussion about said boners I guess the girl secret would be just how frequent it was to go to the bathroom and suddenly your underwear was so soaked it was insane this is talking high school / middle school age so careful with the replies long and it could dry on them and make em crusty it could get bad enough that the underwear could get holes in them if they go long enough without being washed sorry for the gross mess tween girls can be unsanitary too long edit I feel like I should add this bTW the comment about how people learn about unexpected boners and discharge the more I'm thinking about it the more I'm convinced it came from reading magazines targeted at teens girls haha I think M was one Hannah but they used to mention the discharge all the time and I'm sure I heard about bonus from that as well that's where the holes came from our favorite bra hasn't been washed in two weeks edit it is winter so maybe I shoulder said six weeks oops I told this to my male co-workers one time and they were horrified to say the least hey girl will you walk behind me to check if I'm leaking that goes hand in hand with double-checking your seat when you get up booth yeah I always check that I have no idea about what I should do if it's actually stained I had a terrible experience more than once b/c of Khasan very irregular sudden heavy periods I'm usually very aware of signs that it might be happening soon but a few time I've been caught off guard but the worst was about three months ago I docked her apps sitting in the chair in the waiting room filling out my paperwork stand up and there is a very large noticeable puddle I just had to suck it up tell the technician I offered to clean it myself but she refused and I apologized and left I did rescheduled and to my next appointment and was treated like nothing happened so that was nice some women get blood clots in our periods and it feels like you're giving birth so a jellyfish oMG don't sneeze or the world's largest jellyfish will shoot out when you stand up after sitting for a long time and it feels like the elevator scene from The Shining but more jelly not to mention getting up in the morning the frantic waddle the bathroom is always fun boob acne is a thing that happens and it's perfectly normal trust me same with stretch marks around the breasts and thighs oh yes the five slash foods stretch marks SM H had some people who say they don't like stretch marks but they fetishize large thighs and boots my dude bad news we have so many hair related issues plucking dark random nipple hairs trying to line up when we shave our areas too when we hook up to avoid guys from seeing razor burn or ingrown hairs before getting out of the shower we have to pick out hair from our butt crack that fell out from washing our hair pube is growing and sticking out of our undies pube is getting stuck in pads or liners hell hath no fury like a woman who shaved and didn't get laid I shave a few days before a doctor's appointment that way it doesn't look like I shaved specifically for them even though I did I know they are not fussed but I get sweaty down there if I don't keep things tidy and I'm sure that day would be improved slightly if they didn't have to deal with that if you have sex without a condom we need a good few minutes after to let everything drain out of us I always tell my boyfriend BRB gotta go Hoos because I love seeing the cringe I try to come up with new ways to phrase this so far my partner's favorite has been exercising the seaman's gotta spice it up IGNOU edit spelling ugh edit to found lost lip sluicing the juices spitting seeds under dropping the kids off at the pool exploding us skeet Estella TISS of course splish Splash dropping come from my ass sometimes a few fart it doesn't escape through the fabric instead it rolls all the way from the back to the front with a noticeable little drop it's never a good feeling edit apparently this happens to a lot of dudes too not gonna lie I assume the ballast stop it escaping the front I've heard it described by people as exiting through the gift shop when it happens to a guy it's called toasting the almonds what's your dirty little secret i poops in my ex's cat litter I don't have a cat then whose litter box did I [ __ ] I'll admit I still don't get that joke the litter box is a box filled with cocaine weight shat in it I always assumed that it was an absurdist joke and didn't need any literal kitty litter i sharted at my best friend's wedding spent 40 minutes in the toilet cleaning up and threw away my underwear in the middle of a field semi related to this at a wedding I was once at I had a really bad stomach ache the kind that you know needs a follow-up visit to the toilet pretty soon that I couldn't get away to do that all day as I was a groomsman and had minor things to do later in the evening I'm at almost maximum capacity and need to release some excess gas a huge crowd had gathered around a table playing beer pong and I dropped the biggest slash smelliest fart of all time at the table within seconds people picked up on it yet I tried to play it cool as people's heads turned in my direction to see who it was that had dealt it there was another person present right next to me it was the head bridesmaid and she was very drunk so drunk she couldn't even process the smell of what had just been dropped right next to her despite everybody else in the near vicinity talking it I put on a mild show and blamed her to my surprise everybody just went with it and even though she protested she was so drunk her words would not form a regular sentence and people sent her off to bed to expel the demon from her body TL DR I dropped the clangor over fart and blamed it successfully on the head bridesmaid edit wow this gained some minor attention thank you kind user for the silver my second silver and any award here ever I'm very grateful thank you for liking my fart story guys they said dirty little secret not what unprosecuted sex crimes are you running out the statute of limitations clock Iran P o Tate to slash Bo tattoo wife and I are currently separating and I've been weary because she spent a lot of time with a guy she knows including staying over a lot she has been claiming that nothing is or will happen that it's the last thing on her mind right now etc she came home last Thursday morning with a shopping bag where she picked up some juice for our children on the way home and put some of her own stuff in it too I thought I'd help out when she went to work by emptying said bag only to pull out a suspender belt with stockings attached so my secret is that I didn't tell her that I found that last week something is definitely happening either with that dude or another I went through that in 2010 found vibrating condoms in my now exes purse divorced married an awesome woman in 2014 unload the cheetah and start a better life 2020 you will thank 2019 ear vibrating condoms what I puked in my friend's staircase after too many shots luckily she didn't notice when we left her place the next morning and only saw it when we got back her and her flatmate discussed who could have done it and whether it could have been the neighbor's dog but in the end thought it was too much puke for a dog despite me saying it could totally have been the dog in the end they figured it must have been one of the downstairs neighbors who apparently are known for coming home super drunk dog puke is nothing like human puke really bad scapegoat source have had to clean up dog poop multiple times I've masturbated to nearly every decent looking female I've ever met and still look them straight in the face like I'm innocent ever met that one fat girl who isn't too fat but noticeably bigger than most and had a pretty face and huge thighs and ass who just wanted to [ __ ] penciler okay I guess it's 17 year old me and high school down relative or also 17 I've cracked one off in every bathroom of every office I've ever worked this isn't normal not according to ours damn that Sheik from ours is the whole reason I need to bang one out in the handicap stall I'm a pretty handsome guy and everyone thinks I have an easy time talking to girls however in awkward as [ __ ] and I also wear women's clothing to elaborate further I'd do it in private and don't often tell women about it on one occasion one girl went shoe shopping with me and that's how I got my first pair of high heels I love pantyhose I love it on women and I love it more so on myself sometimes I would wear full injury underneath my normal clothes and go to school or work escalated quickly at the end he's a lumberjack and he's okay my mom assumes I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend in high school in reality it was one of the guys working construction on the new house behind us definitely glad I faked sick from school that day edit I was over the age of consent so everyone messaging me stop asking law this sounds like a whole porno I need the whole story it's not nearly as interesting as it probably sounds I was 17 he was 20 and went to school with my brother I knew him sorta well and it wasn't uncommon for him to stop by our house to use our guest bathroom or get a drink he also would often leave his lunch in our refrigerator anyway I played hooky from school one day my dad was at work and my mom had just left to go out to lunch with friends he stopped by to get his lunch surprised to see me he gave me a bunch of crap about skipping school we watched TV for a few minutes I'm sure you all can use your imagination as to what happened next I'm sure you all can use your imagination as to what happened next but uni adage added over the best part I shower naked you [ __ ] absolute [ __ ] I bet they are naked under their clothes right now too disgusting I actually like a few Nickelback songs honestly this is too far absolutely disgusting I sucked a guy's dick so he'd buy me Boober did it come with the tapioca pearls the boba I mean not the dick of course and I wish addicted as well haha despite the fact that I tell doubt jokes constantly at work I have no kids major Fork spar major forks papa I once bust into a liter of sweet vermouth after hours of the country club I worked at then fed the whole bottle straight faced to a jackass customer the next day he said I made the best Manhattan's I watched the man drink my purse for most of the day Jesus Christ is your name Tyler dirty what is the worst date you've ever had I don't know if I'd call it my worst as my worst was pretty typical for a bad date after being fixed up by someone else neither of us would have asked the other out but the most interesting was this one I met a girl online in a game we both played and hit it off pretty well we were both older gamers but not elderly late 30s and it seemed we had a lot in common I drove up to meet her for the weekend and our date got interrupted by a phone call her daughter was in the hospital giving birth to her grandchild we rushed over and it turned out the father hadn't arrived and would be delayed for a while so she asked me to stand in for him as we walked into what I discovered was the delivery room so I was in the delivery room with her and her sisters the great aunts to be while her daughter was giving birth and I witnessed everything and boy do I mean everything after the excitement was over everyone started congratulating me and I had to try to explain that I wasn't the father that his standard at this point nothing left go with the flow the father arrived shook my hand and thanked me for looking after his wife for him very odd day indeed it ended up not working out I'm now married to someone else but that's his story for another time that actually sounds like an awesome date but I can't imagine what it would have been like for the daughter giving birth with some random guy in the room she hadn't met before long went to the movies as a teenager with a girl one year older thought I scored big and holding led to bad hand sweat we hardly talked the whole time then later on she told me she made out with her ex and got back together with him half man that's messed up but I hope her with someone who deserves you met some guy on a dating app he didn't have really clear pictures should have been a red flag but he was killing it with Roman numeral jokes so I decided to give it a shot we met up at a coffee place and holy [ __ ] he looked almost exactly like someone I knew same hair same eyes same pale skin and even the same stutter and twitchy mannerisms that's someone that I knew happened to be Aaron autistic guy nothing against autistic people in general but this particular dude was a piece of work to constantly wore a cape talked about communism and stalked me and a friend of mine for a while tried to have a pleasant conversation for an hour then made an excuse and left he was actually a fairly decent dude but the resemblance to that guy creeped me the hell out I usually make it a point not against people but I'm also not a liar and there was no way I could reasonably tell him sorry you look and act exactly like some guy who tried to stop me once so it's a no from me so I go stood him I had actually had a date earlier that day as well and I had tripped on a rock and scraped my hands and me pretty well and got stung by a bee on my back like 10 minutes later it was not a good day but single for a while so found a guy on what used to be the Craigslist personals already a bad idea met a gentleman who said he made six figures was maisha and talked himself up a lot I figured I would give him a shot well we decided to go to dinner and a movie awkward conversation at dinner was bad enough because we had nothing in common I must have been about 21 and he was 35 went to the movie and about halfway through this horror flick he turns my head and forces me to kiss him and shut his tongue down my throat it was at that point I should have left but the rest of the movie was him trying to cuddle me in the theater or hold my hand I don't think I have had a worse one since admitted he only went out with him because he makes six figures the one and only date I ever walked out on in the middle of it I met up with this guy for dinner for a first date and it was so ridiculous that I wondered whether I was being pranked after we sit down he begins to boast about how much money he makes telling me he has a sweatshop in Bangladesh that manufacturers cheap clothes for Walmart worker exploitation is not a turn-on for me but I didn't say anything since I'd just met him and didn't want to talk politics but I guess he could tell I wasn't impressed because he complements me saying well let's leave politics aside I'm glad you came out you're hot and I like that you're white blacks and Asians and all the others don't do it for me I say that racism isn't less political nor any more attractive of equality he says he isn't racist and to demonstrate this fact he proceeds to point out all the non-white women he [ __ ] in the restaurant for example the black one over there even though she's black is still a night I'd do her just not talk to her or call her back or establish any sort of relationship with her he continues to assess all the women of color for at least 10 minutes at this point I questioned whether there was a hidden camera or something and this was a prank but unfortunately nothing of that sort happens so I tell him to please stop ranking all the women because it makes me uncomfortable he assures me it's not racist nor sexist to do this but mainly a question of preference and I should be glad that he's honest with me to demonstrate his honesty he tells me about his dislike of fat chicks he then compliments me again saying that I looked fit he then portions me though saying you ordered a burger it's great that you think you can ingest all those calories but a salad can also be filling put money down for my meal and let children of corn stirs when and how did you find out your parents were pawn stirs and what is your most awkward moment with them does having to wait in the car while your mom meets randoms at the rent by the hour hotel she never made it to the big screen but it was not due to lack of effort I forgot to add that she was married to my doubt at the time and I finally told him and he had no idea being around 7 years old when I told him and being blamed by mother for the divorce [ __ ] me up more than what I watched my mother do that really sucks my mom has been an escort my whole life and has been really open about it like she's really proud of it but it's horrible when your mom brags to all of your friends when you're a teenager I was about 11 when I realized what she was doing she's never really had a real job for more than three months and has embarrassed me over and over again throughout my life I'm 25 now and she's still working the same job she brags about your mother doesn't sound like a good mother the first day of my freshman year in high school I sit down for my second period English class next to this cute girl class lasts like 15 minutes and everyone proceeds to talk to each other the cute girl and I start talking and she asks me do you know my mom I've never met this girl before and I think this is a weird question so I reply now she pulls out a trading card with her mom completely naked turns out her mom was the Playboy Playmate and was in there benchwarmer series I feel like this was a weird way to introduce yourself but hey welcome to high school two years later I'm working with her and the playmates sister we'd routinely get calls from Playboy Enterprises on the works phone I began getting suspicious on take your kid to work day that was my first hint before that there was make your kid at work day [ __ ] that one was clever used to be a teacher 9th grade a bunch of students energetically talking I asked what's up mrs. so-and-so used to make porn later I had to look it up yup that was a 15 years ago never talked to her about it I believe you random person on the internet describing mrs. so-and-so like he just gave up on the story and decided a brief synopsis was enough not my parents but my friend sent me a link to one of those bucket videos with the header that I should see who so and so many minutes into the clip turns out my then husband was standing there in the background unable to get it up that's not the only reason we are not married anymore you learned something about your husband and your friend that day how did they find that out law yeah as the years go by the bitterly video ages worst and worst when I was in high school I like to browse your usual edge' Lorde websites one of them happened to be a fact point calm browsing along I came across a video titled something like mom of the year or whatever it was about one porn star in particular Tiffany million coincidentally Michelle had released around that same called wife mob bounty hunter which we knew starred the mother of one our classmates now what are the chances that in the f arced biography of Tiffany million she mentions growing up in Arizona becoming a bounty hunter and shows a baby who looks a lot like our classmate long story short we kind of spread the video in hopes of getting confirmation got confirmation and then it got out of hand and sort of ruined this person's time at school for a little while I'm sorry I should also add she seemed like a pretty well-known porn star back then she even had like a 30 dude train on her with likes of ron jeremy and other porn stars i don't the names of fascinating stuff this kid in my grade last year's mom was a porn star we all found about it because I know high-schoolers the kid doesn't know everyone else does as a result of his mom the kid is so sheltered that he doesn't know what sexist my friend cracked a joke and asked the kid if he was going to be a virgin until he was 40 the kid replied he has no interest in going to Virginia are you in fifth grade not currently this happened last year and the kid was about 16 and a junior and now I don't know how this is possible either edit for clarification I was not a fifth grader last year that was a poor attempt at humor not technically me but a friend of mine was on pornhub three guesses what they were doing and came across a video of their mum they didn't realize at first and just continued what they were doing until it became all too clear who he had just been jacking off to now most people in this situation wouldn't tell people right well that's not what he did cause he's an idiot he told me and a couple friends including one who definitely isn't a friend anymore who found and sent the video around to everyone we knew it spread like wildfire and ngl I feel kind of sorry for him cause people wear dicks to him because of it feel bad for him all you like but someone who would admit to jacking off to them or is in for a hard life no matter what what mistake should have killed you taking on a plus 70 hours a week job just for the money I hated the job I hated my boss and I hated myself I could not look myself in the mirror anymore I was this close to a heart attack gained 60 kilograms and could hardly sleep but every month plus 12,000 on the bank account made me get up again and again my wife said either you quit or I walk really saved my life retention in a garage door spring and the tension tool popped out the door crashed with enough force to crack the pavement dove into a pool and broke my neck at the CETA level hangman fracture it's calls I was so drunk I thought I just pulled a muscle or something so I kept partying there's pictures of me with a bag of frozen peas on my neck grilling taking a shot from an ice luge etcetera or while my [ __ ] neck was broken once the disc popped out because I was playing chicken with someone on my shoulders in the same pool hours later that's when I realized that maybe something was wrong one emergency spinal fusion surgery five days in the hospital three months bedridden medical discharge from the Army r.i.p that career and I'm good as new I totally should be dead or paralyzed doing heroin alone in my room without letting anybody know I consider that to almost be a surefire way to accidentally kill yourself due to Vann counters opioid crisis I remember waking up with my back on my bed and a needle still in my arm I was out for half an hour I woke up feeling terrified and knew that this wasn't a life I wanted anymore now him a week sober might not sound like a lot but quitting from $100 and a heroin habit to cold-turkey meant that I was not a happy camper during my detox that I stuck it out and I'm proud of myself being a young insecure boy on a motorcycle passed out in the woods after running from the cops I was at a party in college and decided I was done so I started walking home got like half a mile from campus when a cop pulled over to talk to me it was like 3:00 a.m. and my drunk ass can't walk in a straight line on the sidewalk my instant drunk reaction to seeing the blue lights was to bolt into the woods at full speed naturally I can't see what obstacles are in my way so at some point I had tried to either climb a fence or in through thorn bushes eventually I ran headfirst into a tree and fell down I had probably the most absurd thought I've ever had if I hold my breath the cops can't see where I am so I did that and passed out while lying on my back in the woods I woke up a few hours later as the Sun was coming up and realized I had shredded my clothes in my face / arms looked like I had been attacked by an animal with all the scratches the worst one being a vertical cut that went lengthwise down the interior of my forearm starting at Marist this was 12 years ago and I can still see the scar from that particular cut the rest have healed and faded but that one is still prominent had that been a little deeper I have no doubt I would have bled out while lying on the ground in the woods if I didn't already die from alcohol poisoning there were probably three or four things that should have killed me that night but didn't didn't realize I had 37 porn tabs open on my phone when I handed it to my wife so she could check the weather forecast I was driving a semi a small car pulled in front of me and slammed their brakes like cold and stopped in time my truck wound up on top of their car I was the only survivor of the vehicles involved car crash at 80 km / HR I hit a car that was going through a red light perpendicular to my direction of travel came to a dead stop after hitting the back quarter panel / wheel of their car whilst they barrel rolled three times into the nature strip I hit the windscreen with my head because I'm 6 feet 5 inches and wasn't wearing a seatbelt because I thought I was tortured both myself and the other driver walked away unscathed which was the most surprising of all I was taken to the hospital because of my collision with the windscreen but was released shortly after some scans that came back ok I don't know what saved me or the other driver that day but I thought I died for several seconds after the impact and airbags went off only to realize I was a bit dazed but generally fine which followed with moments of disbelief and joy marrying someone I pitied and thought it was my responsibility to take care of versus marrying someone for love well does pre-existence count when my mother was pregnant with me she went to have an abortion but as she arrived at the doctor office he asked her her something along the lines of woman what are you doing here go home the revolution has begun they are shooting people so she went home because it was the start of the Romanian revolution of 89 feet so she decided to have me after all wasn't a mistake per se but her chain reaction resulted in my existence not wearing a helmet while on a bicycle and stupidly turning left just as a car overtook me somehow I only got a neat scarf through my eyebrow and some torn up kneecaps from it but the look on my mother's face when she picked me up from the hospital that made me realize how profoundly stupid I was that day edit I did make a turn signal with my arm but the driver apparently didn't see it he later went over to the hospital to ask if I was okay and to apologize for hitting me I had a very bad rebellious phase at one point I ran away from home for a week and hitchhiked my way across my country along with one of my friends for context we were both 15 to 16 at the time point one of the cars that gave us a ride happened to be two suspicious-looking foreigners older men who spoke between themselves in a Turkish and only one of them addressed us in our native tongue but we were too dumb to realize the red flags it finally occurred to us when they passed our power exit and refused to let us go when we indicated their mistake I had to basically fake it that my father knew where I was and that he'd be expecting me at a certain spot at a certain time not even knowing if that would work it did miraculously and they let us go in the middle of nowhere we had to basically hitch another ride home boy was i stupid my dad got trashed and tried to jump over the fence at Yankee Stadium with his friends he failed and anion spiked punch at him he remembers being rushed to the hospital and bleeding everywhere everyone thought he was going to die of blood loss didn't die but he also made several more stupid mistakes such as riding a motorcycle without a helmet and breaking several ribs et Cie etc honestly he is still stupid and I'm surprised he hasn't died yet before I was born there was a malfunction with the airbag in my mum's car which hit my mom in the stomach so basically I shouldn't be alive as teenagers we used to smoke pot in the garage in the car with it running for hours no idea how we didn't kill everyone in the house multiple times over tubing behind a speedboat pulled myself too far forward it's of Maryland and popped up in the air I was flung forward and got tangled in the Toro Christmas Eve many many years ago and I couldn't sleep so I took two sleeping pills was impatient so I decided to take two more heavy-duty allergy medication on top of the sleeping pills being a young naive boy I had no idea the consequences of mixing medicine like that that's maybe 3x the normal dosage for a twelve-year-old I felt extremely off for the following week or so [Music]

Channel: Reddit Secrets

Views: 8,127

Rating: 4.8032789 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, one hour of askreddit, top posts, reddit top posts, best of reddit, r/, reddit cringe, askreddit funny, top posts of r/, reddit stories, brainydude, comment awards, reddit comment awards, r/askreddit, exposed, top posts of all time, funny reddit, funniest reddit posts, funniest posts, tz reddit, ask reddit top posts, best posts and comments, reddit compilation, Flumpy

Id: MXPC1OhFaas

Length: 62min 14sec (3734 seconds)

Published: Tue May 28 2019