[SIRENS, TRAFFIC PASSING] So far, this place
is a little sketchy. [MUSIC PLAYING] Yerr! Kumail, what up?
What up? What up?
- What's going on, man? Yeah, man.
What going on, my man? How's it going? That's for joining
us down here. Thanks for having me. - Jam room!
- Yeah? You saying? Just something
about big wet butts. - Seven.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS] Seven? That's where it peaked really. What's poppin', y'all?
It's ya boys. You know what I'm saying?
- Ahh, ahh. We in the building. Our next guest needs
no introduction. He's the one, the
only, K. Nanjiani. [EXHALE] You said that sexy. You know what I'm saying? And I give you like an initial. A little-- he gave you-- Yeah, 'cause-- were
you nervous about pronouncing my first name? No because I'm--
because my name is Joel-- Uh-huh. And all my life, people
were like, hey Joel! - Oh.
- Hey, Joel! So that shit pisses me off. Uh-huh. So-- Kumail, Yeah. Joel and Kumail.
It rhymes. How do you spell Joel?
- Wait, wow. J-O-E-L. I'd watch that show. - Yeah, Joel and Kumail.
- Joel and Kumail. Yeah! And that would go
on Fox News and say, that's what's wrong
with this country. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, this is a real
nightmare for them right now. The three of us here. Too brown. No, it's too much! There's nobody
I can connect to! It's like, just pick shades. Yeah, they're
ethically ambiguous. I don't know!
KUMAIL NANJIANI: Yeah, exactly. You can go all the way
dark or a little light? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who am I here? Do you still have problems
with people-- do, like, people still mispronounce your name? Or at your point now that people
make a dedicated attempt at it. Well, here's the thing, they
don't make a dedicated attempt. And that pisses me off. But the other thing-- still like yesterday,
this guy came up to me to get my autograph
and was like, hey, do you get free White
Castle all the time? And I was like-- Wow! --why would I get
free White Castle? Tell me why I would
get free White Castle. 'Cause you're Kumar, dude! You're--
- Dude, it happens-- --Kumar, dude! The a thing is, people
will yell Kumar at me, which is not even his real name. Kal is his real name! It's Kal Penn! It's Kal Penn!
KUMAIL NANJIANI: At worst! Oh, my God. So what do you do
in that situation? I say-- I always say,
that's the other one. That's my reply--
- The other one? --I always say. No, that's the other one. Hey, you were great
on "The Daily Show." No, that's the other one. That's the other guy. See, it used to be, now
there's a bunch of us. So it's getting more
complicated for people. But has it--
because there's more-- hopefully, are roles changing
that you get offered or are you still getting it like-- Yeah, I think
they're changing. You know, I've done
a bunch of parts where it was sort of the
names that are not like, Middle Eastern or
Pakistani or Indian names or anything like that. So I think it's changing. Obviously, there's
a long way to go. Right. But I can see that people
are making the attempt. Now they might be making the
attempt because they're getting pressured to make the attempt. For me, it's about the result.
So whatever gets the job done, I'm cool with. Yeah, my mom used to
whoop my ass and I got As. - Did you really?
- Yeah. Wow. You know, I don't meet many
people who were good at school. I was really good at school. Were you good at school? Uh, not really. I didn't-- it wasn't
really my flow. It wasn't your flow? That's what I should
have told my mom. - I wanted to do other things.
- What-- why did you get a C? Well, that's not
really my flow, mom. I was like, no, I don't like
the vibes of the teachers. Yeah. I'm getting a bad energy from-- I'm like ,you
know what, I'm gonna get a TV show when I get older. Don't worry about it. It'll all work out. It'll all work out.
- Be all right. I like to ask this to
people-- what's the most annoying question you get
asked in every interview? It's interesting. Every single job you do, there's
a point-- like a day or two, where you're like,
oh, no that's going to be the question I'm going
to get asked all the time. And this one is, do you
have a crazy Uber story? And what I did was, I decided
each time somebody asked me that, I would give
a different answer and I wouldn't prepare it. Right. So I had to in the moment
come up with something. So if you-- I don't know if--
- Let's try it right now. Let's try it right now.
- Yeah. Do you have a
crazy Uber story? What's your
craziest Uber story? Dude, I got in once
and there was, like, a guy who was asleep
right next to me. What? Yeah, like next to me. And I looked at the guy, the
driver, and I was like, hey, what's this guy's deal? And he's like, that's Uber Pool. And then we went and we
had to drop the guy-- the other guy off first. So I had to, like, wake him up. Like, dude, dude,
it's your place. And he was like a
sleep, and he couldn't. And then he finally woke
up and he was like, hey, loved you on "Big Bang Theory." And then he got out of the car. Wow! And then you were like,
that's the other one! That's the other one! [LAUGHTER] Let's say, this Hollywood
thing does not work out. Would you be a Uber driver? I-- the problem is, other
than this thing, I don't think I'm good at anything else. Like I've tried other stuff. I'm bad at it. Such as? Give an example. I worked in an office. I worked at restaurants,
I cleaned dishes, I was bad at everything. I did tech support,
I was bad at it. Or I could become a
professional video player. Are you "Apex
Legends" or "Fortnite"? Do you play any of those? No, I can't play
online anymore because it got too much. People get like way
too intense online. Yo. And I can't deal with it. It is wild. It's borderline toxic. It's-- borderline toxic? What is toxic for you? Someone stabbing
you in the face? They say words to me that I'm
like, oh, I have not heard that since the sixth grade. I'm like, whoa, you brought
out a Dead Stock racial slur. Wow! Wow, that's a throwback. I'm like, did he
call me cauliflower? KUMAIL NANJIANI: Wow. I got to go on Urban
Dictionary, I'm like-- I'm like, and what the
fuck does cauliflower even-- I think I should be offended. I'm like, I'm going
to get back to you, I got to go talk to my
professor of English. Yeah, it gets really--
do you play online? Oh, yeah.
All the time. What do play? And I have four
kids, so, like, I cycle in between like the
"2K's" "Madden's," "MLB The Show," from that to,
like, "Kirby's Dream Land." And, like, all over the place. And I smoke mad weed
too so like, that helps. I used to play online but
I would always play like-- I used to play "Call of
Duty" and "Halo" and like, shooting it like that. Then I tried to
play "NBA" online. The problem is, if
you're playing like Halo, you're with a group of dudes
for 10 minutes then it's done. If you're playing "NBA,"
you're talking to one guy-- One guy. - --for an hour.
- Like an hour. Yeah.
- It's so intense. And they're talking mad-- like, I don't say
shit when I'm on mic. KUMAIL NANJIANI: No. That's why I don't play sports
games online anymore because I wouldn't say anything. Because I would just be-- the other guy's on the
mic, I'm busting your ass. I'm killing-- it'll be like
a 11-year-old from North Dakota being like, I'm
fucking killing you, bro! I'm killing you, bro. And I'm like, yo,
shut the fuck up. And then out come the slurs. Yeah, the slurs. Yeah, with me, you know, I
haven't played in a long time, but I was always
impressed by how quickly they could nail my accent. Yeah. I was like it is wrong
that you're racist, but you are being
accurate in that you are applying the racism correctly. Happened to me the other day. He's like, you Pakistani piece
of sh-- and you like, oh, wow. You're OK. You've done the research. Shout out to you. At least props for that. I was playing "Call
of Duty" and someone was like, you're black, right? And I was like, h-- I was like looking around. I was thinking, is Alexa on? Like how did you know? That's very nice
of them to tell you. KUMAIL NANJIANI:
You're black right? They told me in
a different way. [LAUGHTER] With a hard R. Dave Bautista, what's he like? He's the sweetest,
sweetest guy in the world. Well, here's the thing, I think
if you're, like, a strong man like that, you have all
the powers so you don't need to posture and be a dick. But, you know, guys like
me, we have to like, pretend to be hard.
But-- Yo, what the fuck? Yeah. Hey, what did you say?
- Yo. Is that how-- is that
how you enter the room? Like--
- Yeah. - Like tough?
- That's the other guy! [LAUGHTER] No, he's just the sweetest,
sweetest guy in the world. It's really crazy
what a nice guy he is. Well, that's the theory, is
like, if a guy is that big, you're automatically
going to fuck with them. So they don't even
need to be tough. KUMAIL NANJIANI: Right. 'Cause they just like, you
judge a book by its cover. And you're like, let me
not fuck with this dude. You know how cool he is? We take pictures
together for while we're doing this press tour, and
I noticed a while later that he was like-- in the pictures with me, he's
always kind of squatting. So he's not like
towering over me. Wow. He's so sweet, you guys. It's the little things. Yeah! It's the little-- I mean,
that's really sweet. Immigrant. Children of immigrants,
do your parents consider what you do to be a real job? No, and they're right. It's not a real job. Was there a job
they wanted you to do? Well, they wanted
me to be a doctor. I have a lot of
doctors in the family. But they never really
like pushed me once-- I remember, I've been
doing stand up for a while and I got to do Letterman. After I did-- I did
a set on Letterman-- "Late Night with David
Letterman," and it was going-- I was like, oh, my God. That's amazing, you know? And I told my parents and
my dad watched it and he was like, it was really funny. He's like, so do you think
you'll ever go to med school? And I was like, I
just did Letterman! - Wow!
- I just did Letterman, dad! No. Ooh, no one can kick your legs
out from under you like family. Yeah. Oh, my God. He said some stuff to
me that I was like-- Yo. I had to literally
give my parents money for to validate the career. So I'm like, look, I can
give you this amount of money that I was not
able to do before. Their ploy worked. They're like, we're not giving
him any validation until we get some money from him. Until we get some money, now
we're going to hype him up. KUMAIL NANJIANI: Yeah. [LAUGHTER] - So you wrote the "Big Sick."
- Yes. - Which I saw.
- Yeah. OK, and I sat
there and I was like, I'm not going like this movie. Because someone picked
it out and I was like, we'll see what it is. And then I was
like, this kind of-- I like-- Yeah, my white family
and I, we wrote that movie. Why did you think you
weren't going to like it? Because I thought was
going to be like some romance BS or whatever. And I was like, ah. A romcom? Yeah, something like that. Something like, what was it? "Eat, Pray, Love" or the-- - What was the one?
- "Bridget Jones?" "500 Days of Summer." Something like that. And I was like, yo, is
she-- is shorty gonna die? Yo!
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It got real. That was a
completely true story? Yeah. I mean, that's what happened. Yeah, she was in a coma
for many, many days. Well, nine days, which is a
lot of days to be in a coma. That's a lot. Yeah, I mean, any amount
of days is a long-- Five minutes is a long coma. But nine days is a long coma. Shit. Shout out to you. I feel like a coma's
a deal breaker for me. Oh, if someone's in a
coma, you're like, I'm out? Party's over? I didn't sign up for
that in the beginning. Uh-huh. Hey, things aren't
really working out. I'm going to leave you
note for when you wake up. Technically-- technically
coma is ghosting. Yeah. Coma is ghosting. It really is. Wow, that is dark. It is. That's dark. You could just go--
because you don't want to break up over text
so you just go in and say it. Do it the easy way. Like, beep, like you could
just speak over the beeps. Like, hey, it's not working out. It's me not you. It's definitely my fault. You know-- Blink once if you
want to break up. KUMAIL NANJIANI: Yeah. Wow. [LAUGHTER] I just feel like I'm
not getting anything back in this relationship. I'm giving a lot but I'm not-- I'm doing all
the heavy lifting. - Yeah.
- Yeah. You know, literally. Lifting the sponge of
water to your lips. This is supposed
to be a dialogue, it feels like a monologue. KUMAIL NANJIANI: Right. You've laughed at
none of my jokes. I'm here workshopping
some stuff, babe. Come on.
- Help me out. So you were nominated
for an Oscar for that? Yeah, Emily and I were
nominated for an Oscar. We lost to Jordan Peele,
happy to lose Jordan Peele. Always, always, always. What do you say to
Jordan Peele after that? Do you just say congrats? Or do you just like
call and hang up? My shit was real
mother fucker. Yeah, I was like fuck you. Exactly. I haven't seen "Get Out" but
I'm sure it's not all that. No, I loved it. What's everyone talking about? I was the only one in
the theater going, booo! Everyone's like, yay!
Boo! Movie not that
good, mother fucker. You know what
was a good movie? Yeah.
Yeah-- "Bid Sick!" "Big Sick!" "Big Sick!" Yeah, it's actually in
the next theater over! So y'all can go see it! Yeah, why don't you get
out of here, Jordan Peele! No, I'm friends with Jordan. So I was very , very--
honestly, I shouldn't say this, but when I looked at the
nominees, I was like, I would be happy to lose to Jordan. Don't really want to
lose to anybody else. Right. But if I lose to Jordan-- if we lose to Jordan, I'm
not going to be upset. And then wasn't upset. I was very, very happy for
him because you don't-- you know, we were, like,
happy to be nominated. We knew we weren't going to win. But then the 30 seconds before-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] I think there's a shot. You could win.
- You're talking to Knicks fans. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
This could happen! Hey, this could be our year! Oh, we getting KD! Oh, we getting Zion! Oh! Is that-- oh. We got to win 11
games this season. Oh, yeah. That really, really, really bad. Really bad stuff
happened recently. It's almost like somebody
up there hates the Knicks. You know what it is? I feel like Madison
Square Garden might be buried on some
sort of ancient cemetery. - Yeah, like a poltergeist.
- That's the only thing. That's--
- Yeah. You got to burn it down. And that poltergeist
is James Dolan. Let's be for real. He just comes out
and he's like, ahh! Comes out of the TV like, ahh,
mother fucker, I own the team. Oh, man. What's it like being
nominated though? Like, does that-- because you
to throw that up on a resume. Well, you don't take
a resume anywhere. You know, when
I go to Starbucks. I'm like, Oscar nominated
Kumail Nanjiani. And they're like, you're
great on "The Daily Show." You're like,
that's the other guy! That's the other guy! - That's the other guy.
- Yeah. You gotta say it with bass. I the only one who was
nominated for an Oscar. Yeah, that's right. Come no, stop playing with me. It's awesome. Yeah. It's obviously very exciting. You know what's cool, is you
go to all these events then and you're sort of hanging out
with, like, Steven Spielberg. Are they like Oscar
pre-events or something? There's like Oscar pre-events. Yeah. There's like a
luncheon and they sort sit you with random people. So you could be
sitting next to, you know, Spielberg or
Guillermo Del Toro or all these people that I'm,
you know, a huge fan of and have been forever. Have you ever sat next
to somebody and been like, holy shit, I'm sitting
next to so-and-so. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know,
Spielberg was a big one for me. But when I met Oprah and
that was pretty exciting. What was that like? Yo. That's like meeting
fucking, I don't even know. Like-- You should-- you guys
should have her on. - I mean, we've tried.
- Have you tried? - Have Oprah on the show?
- Tried. Oprah's like, who are you? Yeah. Oprah-- I don't know if
we're on Oprah's radar. [LAUGHTER] That should be
on your t-shirt. I don't know if I'm
on Oprah's radar. Oprah, if you're watching--
you know what I'm saying? You're our favorite show. 11:00 PM, we get a little
smizzy and watch it. You know, just come on. Oprah. Thumbs up--
- See. --from me. There we go, that's-- KUMAIL NANJIANI:
Come on the show. --the vote of
confidence we need. Yeah, come on the show. Just wear something cool. So I heard that
New York City street food is your guilty pleasure. Yeah, I love New
York City street food. What do you--
what's your go to? I like the lamb.
You know? You liking some street meat? And really, really hot. Like get me the hottest
hot sauce you have-- Yeah. --and pour that on there. That's what I love. Yeah.
Woo. I love hot stuff. You got a main spot
that you hit every time? Because the-- Yeah, Halal Guys. Halal Guys-- do they
live up to the hype? Yeah, I like Halal-- Because at night, that line-- That line is long. But you know what it is? I think the trick
is the hot sauce. Their hot, hot sauce is
like really, really hot. So I think that's
what the line is for. Because you know, I think the
meat is pretty much the same everywhere, but that hot sauce-- I think they make that,
and that's pretty good. Have you ever gotten
sick from eating street food in New York City? I have a pretty
strong stomach. I haven't really-- if I have,
I've never connected it. I have a theory
that, because street food is probably
handled improperly, it builds up a tolerance. I think that's right. Well, you know, I
grew up in Pakistan-- whenever I had cousins
visits from other countries, they would always
get sick, and we would eat it and not get sick. Well, this is not a
good story but my cousin and her husband got sick,
they ate in Pakistan. And again, the Pakistani street
food is the best in the world. I will risk anything
to keep eating it. But they shared-- they both got
hepatitis from a plate of food, but they got different
strains of hepatitis! What? In one plate there
were at least two different kinds of hepatitis! Two different hepatitis. They were like,
yo, what'd you get? C, what'd you get?
- P. Yeah. P? There's a hepatitis P? - Yeah--
- Nah, I'm sorry. I got to leave a Yelp
review after that. I'm sorry. Right.
Right. The food was excellent--
the food was excellent. I had a good time. But-- Yeah, big but. Wow. Hepatitis. So that's the
sequel to "Big Sick"? Yeah. Big Sicker? Yeah. Big Sicker. Big Sicker. They're both in comas, we're
just watching them for an hour? It's very, very boring. Just literally like
watching paint dry, who's going to wake up first? That's the whole movie. I'm like-- You just correct the beeps. The movie's like, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, they pump faked. Oh, ugh. Pump faked. - The Hollywood--
- The nurse is coming! The nurse is coming! It's an all right movie. The "High Reporter" said
you're one of the most powerful people in comedy. And you were one of Time's
100 Most Influential People? That was last year. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think-- I don't feel powerful-- No? --in comedy in any way. No. Even when you were -- Jordan Peele--
- "Get Out." Jordan Peele thief. [INTERPOSING VOICES] You know what I'm saying? He's like-- Make room for us! Twilight Zone? I don't know- I'm
trying to find other-- So you don't feel powerful? I don't really. You don't feel like
you're a shot caller? No, not at all. That's all-- you know,
the problem with-- each, you sort of live
and die by each thing. So something's ahead,
you're powerful. Something's not ahead, suddenly
it all goes away, you know? I mean, if you look at
all the people who've had, like, their one a year of being
famous and then they disappear. You don't even think
of those people. It happens in
comedy specifically. All the time people will
show up, be in everything, and then just go away. Just disappear. Damn.
Shit. - Scary right?
- Fuck. Yeah, it's really scary. Start doing dramatic
roles and some shit. Fuck. Yeah, how long have
you guys had this show? A couple months now. 27 episodes. Yeah. OK. It's still kind of popular. [LAUGHTER] We're in a lot of
magazines and shit. "Vanity Fair." Oh, yeah. People totally read
magazines still. [LAUGHTER] Oh, cool, you're in magazines? That's great. Yo, give it up one
time for my man Kumail. [LAUGHS] I thought it was popular, man. No, no. You guys are doing great. Yeah. I'm telling you, this isn't the
only show I was excited to do. For real. I hope-- I hope the other
shows don't watch this. Yo, give it up
for our guy, Kumail. - You know what I'm saying?
- Thank you for coming through. "Stuber" is in theaters. Yeah.
July 12. - July 12.
- You know what I'm saying? Go watch that.
- Go see it. Don't watch it on
Firestick, that wrong. - You know what I'm saying?
- That's theft. Or else we'll be like-- yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, don't-- don't
make us do that. Don't make us do this. - I'll bring Bautista with me.
- Exactly. Who's in the movie with me. Yes. He will body slam
the shit out of you. That's right. But no, he won't.
He's nice. Oh. - He's a very strong though.
- Yeah, he's extremely strong. Has he ever, like, flexed
unnecessary on a set? Like lifted
something that didn't need to be lifted just to show? No, there was one time where-- no, he's very, very-- but when he's, like, angry
he's not demonstrative, but you could tell. And it's really scary. It's like having like
a grizzly bear on set. You never know. So you always want to be
like, hey, you're cool, man. You're cool. No, he's very cognizant of
his power and holds it within, he doesn't-- he doesn't
spray it around. He's-- he should do this
show, you guys would love him. Yeah. Yeah, Oprah and Dave Bautista. There we go. Get those people on. You people will get
those-- get their numbers. Someone call-- Yo, Kumail, is
co-signed both of us. You know what I'm saying? Oprah and Dave. Yeah, if you had to choose
one, who do you have on first? Ah, damn, you
got to say Oprah. Yeah, you gotta say Oprah. You know what? You can go anywhere
and be like, yo, Oprah. Mother fuckers will
be like, where? But the thing is, like, I
feel like David Bautista's going to see it because he
going to be like, yo, you should go do the show,
so he's going to watch it. So I'm going to
say, Dave Bautista. Oh, so he doesn't
come in and fuck us up? Oh, but your
cynical reasoning, he's going to see that too. We could cut that out. OK. [LAUGHTER] So just look into the camera and
say, definitely, Dave Bautista. OK? Definitely, Dave Bautista. 100%. Great, that'll work. All right. You're a fan of street meat,
you know New York City, you know bodegas
have neon signs. What would your neon sign say? That's the other guy. [LAUGHTER] Hey. "Stuber" starts-- You know what I'm saying? "Stuber" opens tomorrow.
Oh, shit. Tomorrow's July 12.
Shit. Mother fucker, July 12. "Stuber" opens July 12. Go see it. You know what I'm saying? It's not him,
it's the other guy. No, but I am in this one. He's in this one though. The other guys
are not in this one. - Not the others.
- No. It's not. Stop calling me fucking
John Leguizamo too. Yeah, that's unfortunate. Do you get like Leguizamo? No, I don't. I get Will Smith with diabetes. You could see
it though, right? You could see it? As you said that-- You see it right? No. Just the saddest--
just the saddest episode of "Fresh Prince" ever.
KUMAIL NANJIANI: Yeah. They're like, Will!
Your insulin! Your insulin, Will! What if my leg
don't want me, man? Huh? But that's more "Pursuit
of Happiness" Will. Yeah, that's right. That's not "Fresh Prince." That's not, he sing
"Wild Wild West." Lets see how that goes.
- You know what I'm saying? If they bring that
[INAUDIBLE] burger, I'm in. See what I'm saying? But no, and like, comedians
have a short shelf life, according to you.
KUMAIL NANJIANI: Well, they can. So we gotta turn
into dramatic roles. Yeah. Is that your dramatic
role, right there? That was, I
pivoted right there. You just seen it. - I had one tear.
- You see? Yeah. That's providing for both of us. Thank you. Thank you. [OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING]
