Summary of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable by Daniel Shapiro | Free Audiobook

summary of negotiating the non-negotiable by daniel shapiro written by lee shuleri and quick read narrated by alex smith introduction what drives people to conflict like many people you may have experienced conflict that has torn apart a friendship broken up a marriage destroyed a business or fueled physical violence according to conflict resolution expert daniel shapiro the forces that drive people into conflict are invisible to the eye yet their impact is deeply felt and until we learn how to counteract such forces we will continue to engage in the same frustrating conflicts that can ruin relationships emotionally charged conflicts are a part of life they are part of what it means to be human every day people resent their romantic partners and hold grudges against a colleague for example a couple wrestles over the values that should govern their shared life together they must negotiate their divergent perspectives on finances household roles and even politics emotionally charged conflicts can even affect entire nations for instance nations undergo debates all the time over which policies to implement at the root of each debate and conflict is identity it's always me versus you or us versus them we point fingers place blame and insist this is your fault when it comes to emotionally charged conflicts collaborative problem solving doesn't often work that's because you cannot solve emotions you can't simply rid yourself of anger or humiliation as easily as solving a math problem mathematical equations won't tell you how the other side is going to react additionally you can't simply adopt the other side's beliefs either so what's the solution how can you resolve emotionally charged conflicts throughout negotiating the non-negotiable daniel shapiro aims to provide you with the necessary tools to teach you a practical method to help bridge even the toughest emotional divides he will teach you how to change your perspective from me versus you or us versus them and focus on the space between sides space where complicated emotional dynamics exist if you want to learn how to transform an emotionally charged conflict into an opportunity for mutual benefit then you must learn how to effectively navigate this space there is a better way to resolve conflict so keep reading to learn more chapter one our identity makes it difficult to make resolutions our world is becoming more and more of a tribal world as the world sees advances in technology we are more connected than ever allowing us to connect with even more people this threat of connection the emerging global community is also threatening a fundamental aspect of who we are naturally we tend to find security and safety in our tribes we belong to multiple tribes a tribe is any group to which we see ourselves as a similar kind whether based on religion ethnicity or even our place of work we feel a connection to our tribes and we become emotionally invested our tribes are part of our identity and when it comes to conflict resolution we tend to subscribe to three models of human behavior the first side of our personality appeals to rationality and rational decision known as homo economicus that is your main motivation is to get your interests met as efficiently as possible if you can satisfy the interests of the other party too then all the better in other words we try to maximize our own gains without worsening those of our counterpart this is especially true when it comes to time and money the second side of our personality appeals to our emotions this is known as homo emoticus and according to this model emotions can facilitate conflict resolution just as hunger alerts you to the necessity of food your emotions can alert you to your psychological needs for instance guilt aims to tell you when you need to rectify a wrong doing and frustration lets you know when an obstacle is in your way unfortunately emotions can also hinder conflict resolution emotions like anger pride and resentment can result in a deadlock lastly beyond reason and emotion is your identity this third dimension of human behavior is called homoidenticus which is rooted in the principle that human beings seek meaning in their existence this is why emotionally charged conflicts get so charged the conflict might compromise a fundamental aspect of who you are what you hold as important and how you conceive meaning in your life in other words it threatens you author daniel shapiro puts together an experiment to prove just how stubborn humans are when it comes to changing our identity shapiro began the experiment by dividing 45 participants into six groups each group was then asked a series of diverse questions that asked participants to provide things like their views on capital punishment or what they considered the most important values of each tribe after 50 minutes of discussion the group then had to choose just one tribe out of the six to represent all of them if they failed the earth would be destroyed by aliens over two decades shapiro has completed this exercise dozens of times with all kinds of people all over the world the world has exploded all but a handful of times participants become so connected to their new identities that they refuse to take on a new one to save the world this simply shows how strong tribal bonds can be and how quickly they can form chapter 2 understanding our core identity and relational identity to begin resolving and emotionally charged conflict there are two facets of identity that are critical for understanding core identity and relational identity your core identity is the biography of your being it is the spectrum of characteristics that define you as an individual it includes everything from your body personality and occupation to your spiritual beliefs and cultural practices without core identities the world would cease to exist as we know it nations would have no constitutions or flags businesses would have no brands people would have no names or personalities the most meaningful aspects of your core identity are what shapiro calls the five pillars of identity beliefs rituals allegiances values and emotionally meaningful experiences like the day you got married or gave birth to a child core identity however is not fixed it has a fluidity for example you can adopt new and different values but the essence of who you are would remain unchanged you as an individual would stay the same a group's core identity can also change a company can redefine its guiding values but remained the same company similarly a political party can modify its essential beliefs and remain the same political party on the other hand your relational identity is the spectrum of characteristics that define your relationship with a particular person or group for instance when you interact with your spouse do you feel constrained or free to be as you really are you see your relational identity seeks meaning and coexistence and you have the power to shape it depending on the nature of the relationship in the tribes exercise from the previous chapter the tribes began their negotiation as colleagues eager to save the world from destruction as negotiations continued tensions arose and each tribe's affiliation to other tribes quickly collapsed but why while the author originally believed this happened after the tribe experienced rejection he found that the true reason was that relational identities fluctuated more easily than core identities tensions arose because the groups realized how they were perceived by other groups relationships between groups were tested and oftentimes became strained but their core identities remained the same both autonomy and affiliations are intrinsic to any relationship and your ability to keep them in balance is crucial for harmonious relationships for example children try to fit into their families and find their own independent voices as they mature or a romantic couple tries to balance the desires to cultivate the relationship while also maintaining a healthy alone time because relational identity causes us to incorrectly assume what someone is thinking about us it's important to maintain an atmosphere of cooperation and achieve success in negotiations or conflicts chapter 3 a threat to our identity triggers the tribe's effect when engaging in a negotiation or conflict our mindset matters conflicts can often be negotiable but when we feel our identity is threatened a seemingly small conflict can turn into an insurmountable one shapiro calls this the tribe's effect and we must learn to avoid it when we engage in the tribe's effect we adopt a me versus you and us versus them mindset this mindset likely evolved to help groups protect their bloodlines from outside threats today it can be easily activated in a conflict between all types of people including siblings or even diplomats the tribe's effect aims to protect your identity from harm but often backfires as you enter a self-protective state your willingness to collaborate diminishes fear then drives you to prioritize short-term self-interest over long-term cooperation as a result when one or both parties adopt this mindset no resolution is found you simply reinforce the conflict you aim to resolve so how can you know when you are in it the tribe's effect is fundamentally an adversarial self-righteous mindset you can feel when this is happening you'll think that you are in the right and you'll become unable to see what you have in common with your opponent you'll experience relational amnesia in which you forget all the good things about your relationship and only recall the bad furthermore the tribe's effect breathes the self-serving mindset in which we believe our perspective is not only right but also morally superior lastly you'll experience a closed mindset in which you critique your adversary's perspective and condemn their character but criticizing your own perspective will only make you seem disloyal to your own identity whenever our identity becomes threatened the tribe's effect is triggered as a result we tend to react with a rigid set of behaviors that neuroscientists call a threat response this response can turn even seemingly minor differences between people into major conflicts shapiro once illustrated this response by conducting an exercise in which people were told to argue over whether humanitarianism or compassion represented a more important core value while outsiders might perceive this distinction as relatively small insiders viewed it as an existential threat this same dynamic is what leads married couples to consistently argue over trivial differences in other words what we perceive to be trivial on the outside can be more than a matter of trivial concern chapter 4 resisting the lure of the tribe's effect so how can we overcome the tribe's effect the answer is to adopt a strategy much like that of the greek hero odysseus you see as odysseus was navigating his 10-year journey home after the trojan war he met the goddess cersei who warned him of a danger he would face on his journey beautiful sirens would attempt to lure odysseus and his sailors to their deaths with their beautiful voices before the journey odysseus ordered his crew to put wax in their ears and tie him to the mast no matter how much he begged and pleaded to become untied they must only bind him tighter as a result odysseus and his crew sailed safely past the sirens like the sirens the tribe's effect draws you towards it the more emotionally invested you are the more difficult it becomes to resist its pool in an emotionally charged conflict there are five lures of the tribal mind the first is vertigo vertigo is a trap picture it as a tornado surrounding you and your adversary its swirling walls prevent you from seeing anything beyond the conflict itself strong gusts of wind blow at you and your opponent only to heighten the intensity of your emotional experience it turns anger into rage and sadness into despair at the center of the tornado you see the sky above the image of your greatest fears meanwhile the uprooted ground beneath you reveals your painful past let's take a look at a husband and wife who are shopping at the mall she sees a bedspread she likes but the husband doesn't want it this seemingly trivial dispute suddenly spirals into an argument where the two begin questioning why they ever got married twenty minutes have passed the two are so sucked into the tornado of vertigo that they have failed to recognize the world going on around them so how can you avoid the trap the first step is to be aware of the symptoms there are three questions you should ask yourself are you consumed by the conflict do you view the other as an adversary are you fixated on the negative perhaps you notice that you are thinking about the conflict more than anything else in your life recognize that you must view the conflict as a difference of opinion rather than an emotional battle notice that the conflict triggers you to think about past pain or future fears next you need to simply stop once you become aware that you are slipping into vertigo take a break then another slow down then wait until you regain perspective before continuing the discussion the last step is to name it simply identifying what you are experiencing as vertigo can greatly reduce its power over you for example when shapiro and his wife were recently getting into an argument his wife paused and said i feel like we're slipping into vertigo do we really want to spend the afternoon arguing by recognizing the onset of vertigo the two were able to resist its lure then they agreed to continue the discussion but if a resolution could not be met then they would take a break as a result they didn't become muddled in the space between them chapter five taboos are a source of conflict but can be overcome using the necessary steps perhaps there is something that you absolutely cannot express to a family member maybe it's a deep resentment a long-standing grudge or even a pang of envy now imagine getting into a conflict with that person where it becomes impossible to vocalize the heart of your discord how do you resolve a conflict when you cannot discuss this is another lure of the tribal mind taboos while taboos exist to protect individuals from what might be seen as offensive they can lure you towards the tribe's effect if you are not careful a taboo identifies certain feelings thoughts or actions as being off limits thus creating a boundary of what is acceptable and what is forbidden within a community for example premarital sex is acceptable in some cultures but taboo and others a taboo is simply a social construction meaning they are relative rather than absolute and aren't universally offensive for this reason taboos are a common cause of conflict so how can you navigate taboos the first step is to become aware of taboos to establish a safe zone to discuss them and to decide systematically how to treat them one of the stumbling blocks of taboos is that many people are unaware of the taboo for example when visiting a couple at their newly purchased home the author was joined by a friend who also happened to be in the real estate business the friend asked so how much did you pay for this house the couple looked at each other awkwardly and said we don't discuss those kinds of things the friend hit on a taboo subject financial privacy therefore it's important to recognize taboos in your own life to do so imagine that you must write a secret guide about what you cannot say or do in your own relationships ask yourself what are the rules and what subjects are off limits once you are aware of the taboo it's time to establish a safe zone to do this you'll need to bring up the taboo in conversation explicitly state what you wish to talk about by saying something like might we talk about the incident from last may or i find it hard to talk about our company's dysfunction without being able to consider some of the leaders involved might it be okay for us to privately discuss that the key is coming to a mutual agreement to discuss a taboo issue with shared consent finally it's time to make an action plan you can use the act system to evaluate whether to accept the taboo chisel it away slowly or tear it down in short order accepting a taboo can take time and doesn't mean that you must accept it forever for instance a husband may recognize that it is taboo to discuss his wife's infidelity now but the agreement may change over time chiseling away at a taboo requires steady open communication take the spread of hiv and aids in africa for example those infected with the virus felt the stigma of the disease and felt it safest to hide their diagnosis to preserve their relationships with family friends partners and communities this taboo caused the virus to spread even more rapidly ultimately the taboo had to be broken to prevent the virus from taking over had people spoken up sooner the infection rate might not have been so high tearing down the taboo entirely requires courage it essentially involves taking a wrecking ball to destroy a social taboo and will likely and cure the wrath of those who prefer to maintain the status quo nelson mandela spent his entire life tearing down taboos in 1948 south africa's national party enforced a system of racial segregation known as apartheid mandela protested the policy he was arrested convicted of sabotage and sentenced to life in prison after 27 years in prison he returned to lead south africa through a non-violent transition to a multiracial government ultimately when we confront taboos we build better relationships and to bring out positive change chapter 6 your mythos of identity as humans we are innate storytellers from the moment you are born you are bombarded with stories surrounding your identity your name your culture your historical web of allies and adversaries these stories go on to shape your identity of the stories that fuel the conflict in your life your mythos of identity perhaps affects you the most your mythos of identity is the core narrative that shapes how you see your identity in relation to the other side oftentimes you likely see yourself as the victim and the other as the villain while facilitating a negotiation exercise for global leadership shapiro randomly arranged the 50 attendees into economic classes ranging from elites to low-income groups the elites were given more money and resources while the lower income groups were given hardly anything they then had three rounds to trade resources and to maximize their independent financial success as the elites compounded their wealth the lower classes frustration grew after three rounds the elites had accumulated so much wealth they were allowed to set new rules while the elites discussed how to reconfigure the bargaining rules to benefit the lower classes not themselves the lower classes lamented their distrust urging one another to steal their stuff or start a revolution upon hearing the new rules that would benefit the lower classes they began to accuse the elites of abusing their power eventually everyone began shouting and a resolution was never made both groups became attached to their respective mythos of identity which only intensified the conflict so if you want to resolve conflicts where the mythos of identity is involved you'll need to use a three-step method that shapiro calls creative introspection first establish a brave space for genuine dialogue while many believe a safe space is best for discussing controversial topics a safe space can be too safe and backfire on the other hand a brave space emboldens you to embrace controversy take personal risks and reconsider perspectives second identify each other's mythos by identifying each mythos you'll be able to understand why the other person is behaving as he is for instance perhaps you argue incessantly with an arrogant colleague until you learn that he was bullied as a child and simply longs for social respect finally revise your own mythos perhaps in the above conflict with your arrogant colleague you could begin to support his work and give him more responsibilities as a result you allow him to revise his mythos no longer will he feel like a victim but a leader chapter 7 emotional pain can be resolved through a three-step process have you ever held a grudge against someone you might wonder why you can't simply let it go well if you aren't emotionally ready to let go of something then you never will sustaining a grudge requires intense personal energy that can begin to eat away at your own well-being and integrity so once you're emotionally ready to give it up then it's time to check your bag ask yourself what would it feel like to unburden yourself of your toxic emotions how would you relate to the other side it's up to you to decide whether you are ready to let go of the grudge if you feel ready to work through it you will need to go through the journey in three stages the first stage is to bear witness to pain this simply means to acknowledge a person's emotional pain no matter how hard it is to accept begin by bearing witness to your own pain then go through the same process to engage with the other side see the pain enter into it and decipher its meaning seeing pain means looking for two aspects of emotional pain raw pain and suffering raw pain is the gut-wrenching pain you feel when your romantic partner says i don't love you anymore you feel that knot in your stomach your chest tightens or maybe your head begins to pound suffering is how you make sense of that pain suffering is what leads to the desire for revenge or the anger in holding a grudge once you identify the emotional pain you can begin to decipher its meaning what is the origin of your pain did someone say or do something that injured your emotional well-being is there a single traumatic incident you can identify is there long-standing abuse for example if you feel a strong urge to avoid your boss who shot down your ideas your pain may be telling you that you require more praise than you realize the second stage of working through emotional pain is to mourn the loss many conflicts involve loss the divorce of a couple siblings who spent years without talking armies who lose men in war mourning is essential if you fail to mourn you remain trapped in your painful emotions so take emotional stock of your loss and come to terms with it one of the best ways to do this is through conversation and expressing your emotions through language ask yourself why is this loss so painful to me how can i best make meaning of it discuss these questions with a trusted friend or journal your thoughts to put your feelings into words the final step is to contemplate forgiveness this is the most difficult stage of the process it is not quick and will require time effort patience and the recognition that your motivation to forgive will ebb and flow for example you might resist forgiving your friend who betrayed your trust for years until suddenly your grudge softens one day as you go through the process of forgiveness first consider the pros and cons of forgiving and record them next check with your gut what would it feel like to release yourself from your grudge contemplate with what feels right and talk with someone you can trust over time clarity will emerge chapter 8 reconfigure your relationship using the sas system when it comes to improving your relations you'll need to figure out how to solve the actual problems without compromising your core identity when core identities come under threat conflict can easily turn into a zero-sum battle either the other side bends to your identity or you bend to theirs unfortunately neither side is willing to betray their identity which brings the conflict to a stalemate to truly resolve identity-based divisions you'll need to reconfigure your relationship to do this shapiro recommends using the sas system there are three steps to the sas system the first is to clarify how identity is at stake take a young couple linda and josh whose marriage was struggling ever since the twin girls became old enough to know about santa claus the problem was that linda is protestant and josh is jewish as the holidays neared linda wanted to put up a christmas tree but josh refused eventually their resentments for one another had grown so deep that a compromise seemed nearly impossible the two must begin by identifying the parts of their identity that feel threatened for linda her mother died when she was just 10 years old and the christmas tree began to represent her close relationship with her father for josh he imagined the disappointment of his parents and grandparents who would view a christmas tree as a betrayal of jewish rituals and values learning the root of the conflict allowed linda and josh to see why the others had been so resistant the next step is to envision scenarios for harmonious coexistence this step involves three stages first you must separate the identities for linda and josh this could mean dividing the house up and dedicating a specific area for christmas decorations and celebrations the second stage is to assimilate this means incorporating a part of their identities into yours for our couple this could mean linda could convert to josh's religious beliefs and become jewish or vice versa the final stage is synthesizing identities this means redefining your relationship with the other side so your core identity and theirs coexist you are separate and connected josh and linda could buy a tree for their house jointly decorate it with their kids and each assigned personal meaning to it linda could view it as a christmas tree and josh could view it as a festive hanukkah decoration when reconfiguring your relationship the final step is to evaluate which scenario best harmonizes your differences shapiro asked josh and linda which scenario or combination of scenarios seems most compelling and feasible to begin answering this question linda and josh had to weigh the pros and cons by putting a christmas tree in the home josh realized that resentment would slowly build and eventually make him question why he had betrayed his roots in the end the two argued not to have a christmas tree in their home but to celebrate christmas each year at linda's father's house in georgia linda would still get to experience christmas with her father and their kids while still respecting josh's beliefs and jewish faith in the end it is possible to negotiate the non-negotiable the sas system allows you to detach your core identity from your relational identity to reconfigure relationship it's important to acknowledge that you cannot solve a problem from within it but by applying the sas system you can step outside the conflict to resolve it final summary after diving into the world of conflict resolution you have been presented with the tools necessary to neutralize emotionally charged conflicts it's time to put these ideas into practice and try them out to see what works in your particular conflict of course reconciliation is not just a matter of social engineering instead your heart needs to be fully involved in the process the spirit of reconciliation is ultimately what makes it work the tribe's effect will make it difficult for you to want to reconciliation so if you truly want to change enlist your imagination to envision what can be next small changes can make a big difference reconciliation can become a ripple effect that trickles into every aspect of your life mending relationships with family members and colleagues can then spread to improve your community and even the world so don't wait ask yourself what might i do now today to bring this conflict one step closer to resolution the journey begins within yourself so begin today and negotiate the 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Length: 29min 33sec (1773 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2020