- Why would I do that to you? - 'Cause you're (beep) - I'd be insane.
- Ooh. - You stole my spot but I wouldn't do that.
- I wouldn't (beep) (beep)
- I was- I was wait-
- (beep) spot. - [Man] I got no idea
what you're talking about. I was just trying to (beep) find a park... Dude.
- Go, go, Andrew, go. (people chattering) - How you doing folks?
- All right man. - What's up man?
(people chattering) - Here we go, okay, come out. Come on now, come now, stop him now. - Go straight to the bathroom, man. - [Man] 'Cause he's down near the stairs. - [Security] Hold on right now brother. - All right, they got the Secret Service in here tonight.
- Go ahead, back down. - (mumbles) as fast as you can. As fast as you can, okay? Thank you very much for your cooperation. - No problem, bruh. - (beep) bathroom, man. - Just stay right here. The president's daughter's gonna come here.
- Man, I don't care about the president's daughter,
I'm trying to get my man inside.
- Listen I don't care about her either. I don't care about her either. - He can't get right in, what's the deal? - Just give us one minute and you'll be in I swear to god. - Who's party is this? - It's yours, I understand
it's your party. - Is this party, party?
- What the (beep) - [Man] He's just smashing with security you know how they do. Just five minutes.
- Hey yo - They're about to roll up.
- I mean, why would y'all invite somebody like this (mumbles) - I didn't vote for her. - I can't go in my own party 'cause somebody else came to it? - Listen
- What (beep) - we're gonna make it up to
you when y'all get in there. - Make it up to us? What the (beep) we standing
out here in the (beep) cold. - Hey guys, do me a favor if
you would, step to this side so I get the motorcade through. - Man, we're standing right here.
- We're standing right here. (beep) bother you.
- Make me move. - Sir.
- Make me move. - It's a matter of National Security. - Man, make me move. (people talking over each other) - Make us move. - Gentlemen, please step to this side. - Whatever man. (upbeat music) (car door shuts) - Mike, ask who that is, ask who that is. - Who is this? - Take it easy. - Take it easy?
- Yeah. - I'm Secret Service, at this point that's all you need to know. - Take it easy. - Hey, we're so tired.
(indistinct) (upbeat music) - Yo A.I. A.I. This is the voice of god,
you're getting punk'd. You might wanna got to your
own birthday party now. (people clapping) - (indistinct)
(beep) - I got punk'd. 30 years old, getting punk'd man I'm too old for this (beep) (upbeat music) - Jermaine.
- Yeah. - How many people you got with you? - One, two, three.
- These two right here? Are you on the list?
- Yeah, should be, yeah. - Who's list are you on? - Ronny's. - You're on Ronny's list?
- Yeah. - You know what, let's just
bring all the girls through. Girls, ladies, just the girls. Come on, go, go, go, go. You guys look great.
- He's so cute. - Have a good one. - Cue Richard, cue Richard. - We just need people coming with girls. He doesn't want it to be like
a sausage party up in there. - I didn't know I had to come with girls. - It's not you, I think you're cool. - Hey Jermaine!
- How you doing man? - Richard Gruben.
- How you doing? - I was thinking of buying your team. - Oh really? (chuckles)
- Hello Mr Ruben. - Okay, how are you?
- How are you? That's good.
- Good to see you. Good to see you. (guys laugh) - He invented post-its.
- He invented the post-its. - He's like a billionaire. Is there anyway they can get some girls? - Look, he plays in NBA,
he plays for the Hawks. - I mean that's cool and all
that, but we just need y'all to come in with some girls. - Send Todd. - Todd!
- Hey, how you doing? - [Security] What's up Todd? - Hey, Todd.
- What's up Jermaine my man? What's up man? - Hey, how you doing?
- That's Todd Richards, man what's up?
- You getting in? - Sure man.
(talking over each other) - [Lady] Have a good time! (guys laughing) - Come on man, now that's
(beep) I've heard, yo. - Mike, go outside. - They're not on mine.
- They're not on my list - They're not on her list.
- at all. - You didn't bring your
old ladies with you? Come on guys. - A man just walked in here without- - It's not cool, you guys are supposed to bring ladies with you, man. You got a sister or
something you could call? - All right, calm down.
- Man, you're doing too much bro.
- All right, calm down - just don't get loud
- If I give you $20 go find some girls or something. - It's all good.
- (beep) disrespectful yo. (guys laughing) (beep) disrespectful.
- We can't get in? - This is some (beep) yo. (beep)
- Yo, I ain't got nothing to do with that, man. - That's the boss, that's the man. - It's too crowded in here, man. - Mr O'Neal you're here already. (people laughing) - Yo Jermaine. Jermaine O'Neal. How you feel about getting punk'd? (people laugh) (people clapping) - They just got me, man. Hey yo, they just got me, man. - I was about to flip that (beep) (laughs) - You don't have to be
(beep) disrespectful. You don't have to be (beep) disrespectful. - Hey yo, my man got punk'd. I could never get punk'd. But my man got punk'd
(guys laugh) - You know what, I just got punk'd. (chilled music) - Thank you, sir.
- Oh, thank you. - Thank you, thank you.
- Bless you. - For everything.
- For everything. - And y'all look the part too. (guys laugh) (chilled music) - That woman that just came in we hooked up on the
first night at the club. - You shouldn't do that to people. - So I kinda had to kick her
to the side for a minute. Like she started getting clingy, you know. - You got too much going on for that. - Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna slide
to the bathroom real quick. - You know how your boy do. - Yes sir.
(guys laugh) - (indistinct) to the
bathroom (indistinct) - I didn't send him to the bathroom. - Hi. - Hi.
- Mr Johnson? - Yes.
- My name's Cathy. - Hi Cathy.
- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. - I'm actually a good
friend of your son's. - Yeah, he just went to the restroom. He's here.
- He's here? - Yeah. - When did he get back from China? - You know my son is busy. Why don't you have a seat? Yeah, you can sit right here in his seat. He'll be happy to see you. Nice to meet you. - You know, I've been calling him and leaving him messages and stuff. Like he hasn't been returning
my calls, I don know- - Well, he'll be here, so
you can talk to him about it. You know, dad, he stays outta that stuff. (phone rings)
Excuse me for one second. Hey. - Hey. - I thought you were out of town - Yeah (indistinct)
- for two weeks. - We just came back, you
still got my number right? - Was this just some
sort of like booty call? - You're too sweet for that. You're too sweet for that. - I shouldn't have trusted you (cries) - We'll talk. We'll definitely talk tomorrow. - You're (beep) - Wow. - Like, dad, don't be like that. No, give me a call tomorrow. - Cathy, are you okay sweety? - Getting hyped up by nothing. When she broke down, I was like.. - You didn't say you (beep) over what? - She's seemed really upset. - She'll be all right. - So you're the famous Andre? - Yeah.
(guy chuckles) - I know who you are.
- Really? - She loves you.
- Really? - She's really unhappy 'cause she thought you were out of town and I am- - He was though. - Wait, he was supposed to be
out of town, like right now. - Well, he is. He just came back. He's a good, young man.
- I know. I'm sure you are. She's just been with a lot of bad men. A lot of bad men. (guys laugh) - They really haven't done, he just had his back out so
- Well I heard a lot of that's not what I heard,
I heard a lot different but you know what, it's
none of my business. Let me get your check. - Ah, man. (upbeat music)
(scraping) - Cathy, what are you doing? What's going on? - You gonna forget my number now (beep) Huh, (beep) love ride. How you take another (beep) up in there. - Whoa, whoa, whoa
- Huh? whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? - Gonna forget my number now? - This is not even my car. This is my father's car. - Yeah, sure it's your
- And he doesn't even- - Father's (beep) car. - He doesn't even need to
- Good (beep) (indistinct)
- son you raised. - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- I wouldn't (beep) You told me he was different.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Is this how
- You come out - you raised your son?
- and scratch his car up. - You know what. - He doesn't even have
a thing to do with this. This is between you and I. - Exactly, this is between you and I.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Wait, Cathy stop.
- You think I spread my legs for anyone? - You gotta pay for this (beep) - I don't need to pay for (beep) You pay for my broken heart.
- Wait, stop, stop. - I'm very sorry, what happened? - We don't know what happened,
she just scratched up the car.
- Scratching the hood of his car. - But did you ask her
for her phone number? - No, nobody asked her
for the phone number, man - I'm married, what are you talking about? - Did you get any maybe
like a cellphone picture or something we could sue for proof or... - She shouldn't have done this. It didn't have to go this far. - You know what, it didn't
have to go down like this. But like, what should she have done? - Let's slow down. First of all, this is not right. I don't care what happened. And we can never go to this level. - So it's okay to have
sex with someone and just dump them?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Just hump and dump. Why didn't he just be honest with her and just say look, I
just wanna (beep) you. I don't wanna date you. - Listen to me, what she's done today we can lock her up for that. You know that, right? - First of all, it's a
misdemeanor, you can't lock her up. - No, no, no, it's destroying
somebody else's property. This is private property. This is somebody else's property, okay? - In my country, girls
do that into your body. They say, this is my number. - Well, okay, so all I wanna get to is what's gonna happen from here. - I won't charge you
the tip, to start with. (indistinct)
- We'll just notify the authorities. We don't have to go that far I don't wanna press charges on her. - But you're making it all about her. You're not making it about Andre at all. - I'm gonna make it
about my car right now. - Right, well you can
control your car better than you can your son. - Okay, well, let's just call the police. We'll just deal with it like that. Look, if you don't wanna work it out I don't have no problem with that. - Let's go, fine, call the
police Ben, call the police. - Wait, you don't need
to call the authorities. I have some touch up paint in my car. I'm just gonna see if you can just get it. - I wanna see justice served. - I couldn't find the touch up paint. But I found the official check list of what we're supposed to
do in a situation like this. And it's very important you know that... (guys laughing) (people clapping) (indistinct) (upbeat music) - Cool right. Can I get a frozen coke. - Can you tell me where your bathroom is? - Hey, that come with mutton though. - (beep) bruh. - Excuse me. Dirk? Hi, I loved your game today.
- Thanks buddy. - Could you sign this? Please, thank you so much. Thank you. - Slobber all over it. - (chuckles) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - That's all good. - Oh, thank you guys so much.
- Here you go buddy. - You did great today.
- Thank you. - You did great today, oh. - Break time, ain't it? Coast to coast. (indistinct) - Thank you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- You're welcome. - All right, I'm gonna put
it on a calamari caesar. I'm gonna go check on our soup status. And we're good, I'll be right back. - Excuse me, excuse me, Dirk. - Yeah. - Could you sign one more thing? (cutlery clanks) - All right.
- Oh, thank you so much. Here, could you sign
this please, this jersey. - Wow.
- Thank you, here. - Did you go home to get this? - We saw it on the way
home and (indistinct) Could you sign this too? I've got a couple of things. I just, there's so many things. Please sign that. That's a poster and some hats. Got so many things, Mom, could
you hold this for me please. Could you put, to Rob, on that, to Rob. Could you write some more on
that, I hope you feel better. Okay.
- I hope you feel better? - Yeah, could you write that on this one? I hope you feel better soon. And that you get your jump shot back. - Ah, maybe not that much. - He's been really sick. Could you sign that? - Okay this- - Can you sign a hat
or a ball or something. - Sure.
- Mom, mom, thank you. And here's that. Sorry, this is just
for friends and family. We all really love the team. And you guys are so awesome. Thank you so much, mom. - All right buddy, there you go. - Wait, hold on. - No, that's enough now buddy.
- Please, please. - Can't say, no, to the kids. - That's enough now.
- Can I just do one more thing?
- No. - Dirk, please.
- That's it buddy. We're about to eat (indistinct) - Sweety, did you get the ball? - He doesn't wanna sign it. - Can't you just sign a few more things? - Excuse me, we signed 10 million things. - I know, but he's 12
years old and he loves you. - I mean, geez. You gotta be kidding me. - Dirk. You can't say, no, to a kid. (calm music) - What? - Oh no. - All about (indistinct) right here. - Here. Thank you so much. - Dude, you're gonna sign a LeBron jersey? - It's okay. - Could you sign this like one of one? Thank you so much. - [Dirk] To what? - Could you roll this up and (indistinct) - No, no.
- Please. - No, no, no.
- Please, please. - It's for a kid. - All right buddy, go well. Thank you. - Okay. (indistinct)
- Are you kidding me right now? (indistinct)
- Are you kidding me right now? (indistinct) - The kid walked up with a bag. - He went to the store,
came back and hit you up. And asked you to sign a LeBron. And you signed it.
- And you signed it. - What do you want me to do? - No man.
- Tell him, you're not signing another guys' jersey. - Step up. - Hey, you gotta learn how to say, no. - I said, no, 10 times, he wouldn't leave. - You shouldn't even picked up the pen. - I just can't believe that. - I cannot believe it. - I've never experienced anything more uncomfortable than that. - You might be the nicest guy in the NBA. - Why didn't you say, no? - 'Cause it was a kid. (indistinct) (beep) - I'm sorry, this is the last bag. Please, can I just get
like one or two things. I mean, there's not that
many things in here. I have a pen. - You've gotta be kidding me, all right. How much stuff did I sign for you? - We just got whatever we could find. - I've signed enough for you, buddy. No? - You suck. - Oh my god. Oh my god. He just threw the bat down
and told you, you suck. (guys chuckle) - First of all, it's
rude, while I'm eating. - But people don't care,
that's the problem. He had a Lakers hat. Oh geez. Oh, oh. - So listen, I just talked to the mom. She explained to me what's going on. And you don't know how
bad I've wanted to come up and ask you tonight for an autograph, but- - I signed 15 (indistinct) for him. What do you want me to do? You want me to sign the rest for him? - We're eating. - I don't want you guys
coming back to the restaurant. You know, this is-
- What? - Yeah, it's-
- Are you kidding me? - [Woman] What just happened? - [Man] This guy's
ready to have a problem. - Can I just get, please, please, please. - Can you wait 10 minutes, buddy? - Please. - No way.
(people laugh) I don't believe it. - Ah.
- Ah, man. - I've been punk'd. I was about to smack (indistinct) I just got punk'd. (upbeat music) (car screeches) - Hey. Yo. Yo, that's my space. Been waiting for this
space, what are you doing? - What am I doing? - Yeah, we just...
- I'm parking here. - We're just waiting right
here for like two minutes. - So what? - So what, it's rude. - What do mean, it's rude? - We were waiting right there,
right there you just saw us. - So what? - Wow.
- What do you mean, so what? - So what? - What do you mean, so what? That's a bit low. Why you gotta be like that? Why you gotta have an attitude about it? - What do you mean? - We were waiting for
another car to get out so we can pull in. We were waiting or another car to come out so we could pull in. We were right back
there, you didn't see us? - You were waiting for
another car to pull out? - Yeah. - Babe, babe, babe.
- No man, hey what's up? Man, we go way back, what's up dog? - How you doing bro? - I'm doing great, you're doing all right? I'm sorry about that, brother. Next time. - What are you patting me for? I'm not a dog. - What are you patting me for? - Because you're too slow. - I'm not too slow, I
was sitting right there you just moved in, it was a rude move. - First of all, I didn't know you were waiting for the space. - We were sitting right there. - Oh yeah, I saw you sitting
right there, next time. - Whatever, you gonna be
like that, with the attitude. - Next time. - Oh yeah, just waltz into
town again and take spaces? - My town, baby. - Your town, really? I thought that was South Beach. - Yeah, both.
- Yeah. Both, really?
- Yeah. - Oh you're playing for two teams now? - Yes, that's right.
- Wow, you're that big. - Yeah, oh yeah, I am that big. - Yeah, that's great man. - All right, see you. (indistinct) - Perfect, perfect. (upbeat music) (tire air hissing) Here comes Shaq, Shaq just
came out, get out of there. - Who was that?
- Who was what? - I'm sorry, I no see. - Yeah, you saw that right?
- I get manager. - Saw what? - I go get manager.
- You're in trouble, brother. - I didn't do anything,
what are you talking about? - Hold this phone. - One sec, I go gt manager, sir. - What's going on?
(indistinct) I didn't do this. I didn't do nothing. Who did it?
- Okay. I saw that. - Karma's a (mumbles) man. - Huh? It is? (speaks foreign language)
- What's there a problem, sir? Manager.
- What? - Is there a problem, sir?
- There is a (beep) problem. (speaks foreign language)
(beep) Who was that? That was you in the (beep)? - I didn't do that. I didn't do that. (beep)
- What, you think I'd do that to you? You're crazy to think I would do that? I wouldn't do that.
- Sorry, sir, sir. - How stupid I would be to do that to you. - Guys, what's going on? - He thinks I, his tires. (indistinct) - Who was it? - (indistinct) I went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. - All right, call the cops, right now. - Okay, hold on, okay. (indistinct)
- I didn't do anything. - Yeah, you did, I saw you. You and him. - I did not do that.
- Yeah (beep) You did.
- Why would I do that to you? - 'Cause you're a (beep) - I'd be insane.
- Ooh. - You stole my spot,
but I wouldn't do that. - I didn't (beep) steal your (beep) spot. (beep) spot. (beep)
- I was waiting- (people laughing) I got no idea what you're talking about. I just tried to (beep) find a park. Dude.
- Go, go, Andrew, go. - Hey what's (beep) anyway. You're gonna (beep) me with a (beep) Huh?
- Oh yeah. Huh? You want a (beep) lawsuit? It's (beep) now, pal. (rock music) (beep) - I'm staying back here,
I'm staying back here. I'm staying back here (laughs) (indistinct) I'm staying back here. We got you, we got you, we got you. What happened? What happened? Did you gt punk'd?
- You got me. - Bam (laughs)
- You got me. All right man, you got me (beep) (Ashton laughs) - That's assault, that's assault. (Ashton laughs)
- I appreciate it. You got me. I told Ashton last night
that he couldn't punk me. It took him less than 25 to punk. (people laugh) I got punk'd.
- Yeah. - Sorry fam, I'm a punk, I've
been punk'd by Ashton Kutcher you're the best, I love you. Ashton.
(people laugh)
Prime Ashton Kutcher
Dirk is the most wholesome guy.
Some people are very image conscious but this shows how genuine he is.
Another Dirk moment: https://youtu.be/V3IyfKCBD6o
Dallas was very lucky to have had him