MST3k.s10.e03 - Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders

the future somewhere in time and space like Nelson and his robot house by Cardinal a steep place they try to survive the evil gal who rule the world her castle below she says her side to the car just to torture all the captives on the saddle Oh I'm fine you sit or hand trying mr. Issa you oh hi everyone welcome to the satellite of love as you know we like to be as trendy as possible up here so lately we've gotten into 1920s College pranks I'm taking care of swallowing goldfish and servo here is a stuff in phone booths oh man I got my face stuck in my own armpit here whoo why didn't anybody tell me I smell like Gouda Oh an crows into the flagpole sitting but I checked on him how's it going up there bro I'm cold and I'm lonely haven't I set the record yet yes if the old record was 37 seconds I just can't take it anymore the isolation I'm coming down guys I just got a welcome bad habits uh we'll be right back Mike I borrow your Mitchum rollin please sure sure I mean not to do that again Mike I'm going for a record worth half and now count how many largemouth bass I swallow okay how many so far so far none yeah is this someone's fish attention captive test subjects the Institute for mad science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you okay now let's do it right so I can get on to the real mad scientist stuff like pulling the heads off monkeys okay don't even this is a variant on the very evil Zimbardo experiment if the hypothesis is is that if one of you say a servo is given complete power and authority over the others furthermore those violating martial law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers hey and finally my good people give me all your cookies and I won't have you killed all right person in charge will no doubt become corrupt so we take your person in power and fill his underwear with fire and fire and I'm no longer fit to lead I've come down to the southern Punta I relate with my power to my I'm a private citizen you can have your damn cookie back all right ah so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments yes good good and since Bobo here is my control group had no fire ants in his underwear we can conclude into hang on you said no fire after the underwear yes why I've got a good change I'll be right back damn well I declare this experiment a huge success now I compile my data I invite you to suffer through today's movie it's called Merlin shop of mystical wonders and it's a delightful Bambi wrong through a flowery fairyland of harmless family fun for the whole family of all ages or is it taste the rainbow a fruit page I certainly got the keys to these chains yeah yeah I had them in my pocket here I don't have pockets don't die so great we got a good Oh glad you found that key Thanks I bet the J is for jerk and now you don't know that Maryland's hop Marlins try the Merlin chop half a pound of Merlin serve the steak fries vegetable of the day and flip dessert the mystical wonders that he's in a movie the mystical shop of YUM I foresee I'm going to get hammered okay let's predict some crap see you here's a beatdown excuse my juicy belches well what should I do now Thomas go on tell me so this is how Madeleine Albright makes decisions oh great our house is a Cho scale she looks like an overstuffed turtle is there any cheaper vodka than pop off Thomas why have you stopped talking to me Larry bud Melman and dried Thomas are you wearing clean underwear in the afterlife Thomas Johnson are you there Thomas Johnson here for all your insurance needs in the underworld the ants have been screwing with her like this for years all right who's the wise guy I am Who am the wise girl if you're not Thomas then everyone I didn't you by yourself I'm Bob Olsen I took over Tom's policies when he went on vacation stepped into the mystical world of Parker Brothers Tom Bosley was her hand double kiss my hater dinner dude interview Kenneth Starr is mrs. fortune tell you Tito Puente Jenner Chatty Cathy where you got to go baby I use pearl drops my tinctures why are you doing it those are I am a French trap oui my garage sale appointed home the fun stripe factory's been had now you look I'm gonna kill you oh it's the monkeys audition tape tonight on old lady gets killed there so that's how you got rid of grandma huh wonder whose kid that is it's Mikhail's timeshare in Sarasota I live in a furniture showroom oh you better eat all the ice cream great movie well maybe is just as well yeah so sure your mother would approve of you watching all that scary stuff just before going to bed it wasn't that scary oh no well no actually oh that toy monkey reminds me of a story I once wrote for television hmm let's see what was it yeah save it for Carson grandpa of course Merlin Merlin Merlin the sorcerer only it didn't take place in a time of King Arthur you see Merlin used his powers and to come to our time to set up a shop a mystical wonders for all to see corners are you talking about grandpa I'm talking about shaft John shaft magical things crystal ball soon enchanted stone he wondrous objects half world has neglected over the years because you do with them why I'm gonna make us some drawn butter who sells them or even gives them away then I shave my eyebrows something magical happens that changes a person's life forever like what Metamucil young man are you actually asking me to tell you a story yeah sure don't the lights come back on oh really yeah we're here a new amount of that and I'll tell you the story only oh let me see it's been a few years so you'll have to give me a fire shot I can't remember it exactly as it was written go for it go for it well the story begins in a small town in Northern California I'm sorry this guy took his life as lovers often do twinkle that's all I can manage Marilyn was a thieving crackhead who fenced VCRs to feed his habit oh sorry this was my spec script for the rookies great all I managed to steal was a sock hmm jackpot a mr. ball keys I'm takin take her take her behind take her take her Bell beats me me Leon Russell there is a great clip scoop on he's a retired snow monkey that Oh hydrant he's an obsessive hand washer I prefer yar Albert thank you else look at all these gordita wrappers what have I been doing all right charlie are you doing so when he's doing housework does he just put everything in a ponytail hair beard mustache I have a feeling his bathroom sink is always plugged up Oh and night crawlers Scrooge oh sorry not welcome tonight burger what will ye have a super mommy put her key food then oh yeah my man in you and ages great how are you okay no how are you mr. excitement oh we're fine he's around here somewhere how about you and Mel not bad no complaint first night to wear a kicky scarf ever knees are up damn I did it again look mommy hey you sell smokes here it's George Stephanopoulos it's a blue cheese you store it hey can I get some mystical help here yeah I just know meatloaf is gonna walk in in some big robe you you I'm here for the dwarf job Merlin passed out while filling the tub Oh kids sorta like a mouse I could give it a shot scared and found something you like cat got your tongue Bella Abzug er Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room I am a pillow with features Jam Productions presents Merlin kids get off the grass got the jobs from yesterday oh I'm sorry thing is we haven't been getting along that well for some time now in lifetime Network I know he resents me for not being able to get pregnant on our own whoa too much information getting him to go to the fertility expert was a giant blow going now after everything when he finds out there's no hope at all he's just gonna haven't told him I haven't had the nerve I just plus the polyps and my cold look I got a goon okay why don't this baby you could always adopt Jonathan would never raise someone else's baby you know and having a child is so important to you but you just no man I love Glendale my sperm is top-notch it's her hello Susan I bet you can have a baby well mother what do we have you let me remind you of someone hmm no Yahoo oh yes of course how foolish of me get back old man [ __ ] your name isn't offered don't tell me don't tell me so I'd my pidgin impersonation it's just keep smiling do you believe you do you kept all your semen we're not too late Stu I coulda better you can behave yourself that's your fault yes you didn't take her out last night did you you know how she gets boom what could we do for our young friend show me the exit come here oh do I deceive one of my favorite tricks no one knows one of my favorite tricks nothing up my sleeve ah man glad you like it we can just pop it in your mouth hole that's very amusing is that the extent of your powers magician oh I'm sorry Merlin may we help you yeah well I might introduce myself I'm Bob jackass my name is Jonathan Cooper the third get the gun she wants me interesting shop have you atmosphere good news of trolls no sign of contemporary influence and design or structure shop is at best let's moon among three overly theatrical oh excuse me well there's something you wanted what I want is a story I won't run away bunny I am a respected columnist in this town and I'm here to decide whether or not your shop is worthy my readers time and money I'm worthy what do you mean worthy Nikolas what are you doing in here come on you know better than to wander off like that we're dead sugar girl what chicken Nicholas come on let's go thank you mom or Nicholas I'm back sure okay I don't think so remember what I said come I will did he pay merchandise consists of knickknacks statues very psychic paraphernalia such as crystal balls and Cedric and get off my tail okay so tell me what's all this about why are you here why has Merlin hmm and his wife I presume serella Zarrella come to the 20th century I don't like your attitude young man what business is it of yours mr. Cooper I bid you lick me I'm here mm-hmm to awaken the world huh awake in the world for what it's hard to bring magic back into the lives of those who have left lives and Technology all the presumption electric skillets must go perceptions of the power which truly over the Union we also make keys we never crap ice shovel out believable why is she wearing a doggy dad on her head oh there was a time when Wizards a man of the respect of King I was a sweet gig and all shared an undisputed BB in the mystical powers which guided I just came in to buy some shampoo the objects you see before you mr. Cooper are those magical mystical underserved I am collecting the 40% off this week and with them I shall allow people to experience that belief in magic and low low prices again you really believe you are Merlin don't you my cheek lines disagree store owners an eccentric old man who suffers from delusions of being a wizard no Merlin sneeze bet I am mr. Cooper why shame I am sure you are a pal and I'm Lancelot why you insufferable mr. Cooper I can assure you a coupon for a good review tensions are entirely honorable this is so beautiful I've never seen anything like it it's a lure a passerine oh very special stone wishing stone come on for Pete's sakes Madeline don't encourage them nothing more than a rock like your womb make a wish - I did but I'm still here Madeline is people like you that allow this kind of exploitation to go on hmm oh the old man's funk is overpowering me it's getting stronger it's like ammonia and white castles so Billy by this time a kid had drawn a chicken while an infertile couple and looked at a store I have my own private fertility clinic and back baby all right I've seen enough I can be a sport about this if you're really Merlin prove it show me something as they say knock my socks off you have my socks you don't give demonstrations sure you don't you listen to me obi-wan either you give me something to write home about or your quaint little shop is history Jonathan let's just go I'm being a jerk honey you're me old man You Know Who I am I am the Supreme Being Clapton I to places like this up and spit them into the toilet yeah okay one last chance yeah you prove to me that you're Merlin the great sorcerer or get off the pot hot sakes Jonathan just drop it leave these kind people alone otherwise I won't continue to not have your children dear why don't you give him the book the book do you give me the book your book button your robe what's going on one of our dwarves died mr. Cooper I may have something for you that bro why the oh yeah it's a pie from Baker Square it's like an old book do-do-do-do-do that it is mr. Cooper it's a brokerage to the poeple matic my own compilation of spells and incantations or talk of magic - I told you the only kind of magic I believe in is the magic I have in these fingers to make this place disappear mr. Cooper if you would just take this book home and read through it I assure you you will be thoroughly satisfied I'm sure you will find that it makes good reading it's on the Oprah list all right you've sparked my interest old man I'll look through it and you'll uh you'll trust me to bring it back why certainly Oh Mrs Cooper you'll find please keep this time oh no I couldn't dear it's a game have some slightly used dress shields - thank you you will go you want let's get out of here I'm sure the compilations of a madman will make good reading oh I'm mr. Cooper you will comb you words of caution if you decide to dabble with any of my spells for whatever reason you're welcome do to get high with any that aren't entirely there you insulting my sperm count afraid that over the years some of the pages have become brittle like the missus here and sections have okay again like the missus here so please mister Cooper heed my words launch my shorts for your own see look my reviews have destroyed whole cities uh yes the only way Mike it's clear that niche reviewing is the wave of the future the ugly guy in the movie reviews novelty stores and CD strip malls and he's famous yeah so we figured why not review each other it'll tell the world about our delightful selves which needs to happen and we become famous I'll go first mmm-hmm from the moment I saw Tom servo I was taken with his gay even naughty bright red color and the unexpected clear Pyrex dome the little dangly arms though the function was unclear added to the light-hearted feel of the experience flawless no but I recommend this Tom servo for children and anyone looking for a bare-bones kind of robot there you go uh-huh my turn good everyone's talking about the new crow T robot out on highway six insouciant eclectic it seems to promise a kind of excitement yet the overall effect becomes rather more garish than fun and I left feeling altogether empty and sad well seems like you guys are on your way with a whole niche Hey hold on Mike hold on hold on my second visit to Tom servo was even a greater disappointment loud and overpriced there was a stick oily film coating every surface and I can only hope I escaped with no serious disease if my readers responses are any guide the crow T robot era is coming to a close this poorly conceived disaster is revealed now as a spindly testament to poor taste and nausea verdict is in and the world was not a eating a chubby pompous eunuch will feature it out we'll be right back hey Shelby the goodbye crow T robot your ass and recently over there mine dupit and so mr. Cooper took Merlin's book home tell me what the matter land was for what are you from hey you figure it out how are you Suzie's boy well let's go make love I guess I spoke to dr. Collins oh yeah what that quack had to say he blamed your wiener nothing nothing that would concern you Oh for pete's sake Madeleine why is it so difficult for you to show a little compassion once in a while or to be nice my phone just getting along a major accomplishment you should have hmm you feared a store I'd crush her all right I think it out of this thing well it would appear that I too have come to the old man's charm right in my hand a book of spells Merlin's book of spells which no less promises to make me a true believer in magic although I must admit the mere thought of such a thing being real as intrigue it's your garage door opener a warning ye beware who left site pages within nice touch but I probably should get around to destroying Poe's lacks hardware refuse I'm gonna get out of that car okay we have here Merlin's light summer recipes contents spells love potion with teleportation hmm rejuvenation yes we must stay young and vital was it deal he's kind of mine's Ben's hours riding this crap look at this gibberish typically in Latin dumbass language was it that first instilled the belief that words perhaps in their purest form could actually command the element of Bob Hope take the spell for example to propel away barrysarah the rug feels soft in my back and yet one can't help wondering whether extra padding might not be called for that's what I get for screwing around no aim if I have your might all right debating whether to continue on with this foolishness Jonathan Cooper decides to play wizard and name that spell I named it Fred Goodwin to levitate re-soldered a furry Sadat it's time for a strongly worded review of my cat Miffy doesn t look like Judy's husband phangan oh yeah punch ooh summon a spirit say three times in a commanding tone única day get a kid after ratio somebody put tinfoil in the microwave channeling the spirit of a circus freak now we can return that arc welder what am I saying Oh Thank You laddie clearly Merlin has brought good into the world those Altoids are curiously strong edy from next door came over and got me pregnant so it's fine what on earth is going on down here the lights just exploded in the bedroom nearly scared me too dad my tongues are currently fried can we talk later she's Julie Hagerty and say that Merlin guy called and invited me down to Barbados for the weekend why you sitting in the dark what are you doing are you trying to burn the house down utterly loathed you you want to have a baby Jonathan I'm sorry I know it's been hard but we can get through this having a baby that protrudes my neck cord there are thousands of childless couples out there it's nothing to be ashamed of we just have to stop blaming each other thanks honey I'm glad I had this talk you haven't heard a word I've said Chuck Woolery Eve what's going on with you this is weird you're usually some nice I'm taking the flashlight on the Longaberger basket that's all I need damn I singed my merry Englebright calendar dragon's breath clorets can help it works this book really works i'm like how to meet girls which did nothing for me so where's his spirit hmm anybody there come out or I'll review you that wasn't commanding enough this is incredible like that show with Fran Tarkenton the homing spell upon proper orchestration of this incantation an object may be set away to later return like a homing pigeon or a domesticated Lobster this is what Marilyn warned me about we see don't toy with any spells that aren't entirely there and something about biting anything Buzzard knew damn well I was going to dabble oh I'll be for me to go against the Masters wishes I talked to myself a lot long monologues complete with sarcasm come forward in the cutest phone manual cuter if that was to some spirit yeah there's how to install a baseboard heater less letters different typical Latin crap I'm glad it's dead DNA akira-san ancient spells are becoming a more efficient redneck killer hey the knuckle curve incantation works now to find dick Webber's split pickup spell Oh God look at this magic makes me hungry for grilled brats keisuke fossa kosugi fossa adnan khashoggi que pasa thank you daddy you can't give me a child that's what I've needed a pouch let's see her be all tender and tinkling music e when she's changing that kangaroos diaper at 3:00 a.m. huh a gel our garden slack I need to get a new under I'm crystal this one has been good to me for I must say goodbye drop of mercury peaches bad hair dye applied here Mika's at Satan's but own away to that guy's face through go to be turned into the Grinch mmediately feed creature three drops I've got the picnic did to the cat he's gonna turn it into a familiar back it's an obedient mystical serve in our devil emotion when done properly turns an ordinary animal into a magical creature that will do anything at all for its master even give up its life all sorcerers have one cool mind lives my sweater vest by the way there is one very important thing to point out because of all the magic that Jonathan's been doing huh he's aged about 15 years how come well using one psychic powers to do magic drains your life force and causes you to eighty every kid knows that on a knowledge among wizards what force trust me you play Magic Mountain try to grow old and fast okay okay go story Wow where was I I talk about my prostate oh yes the cat the cat well without a moment to lose Johnathan apprehends the unsuspecting feline and brings her to his workbench where he tortures it and kills it tonight the cat put lemon juice in his hair and went out in the Sun learn the true meaning of obedience let me show you the meaning of clomp yeah I'm now safe don't yell very safe alright look at him spray busy I've got your fancy feast served in Waterford crystal with parsley he was drawn by Dave Berg oh there you are and the devil can grab his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew last night this is nothing compared to what you cut off me pal this is like any cat Thank You laughs oh no the cats got a knife that's not evil doing that he's Issus bad me look what what are you talking to me then the cats flesh was roasted but now Hawk it out you're gonna wish it is flush mounted in his horrible squeeze that damned cat cat was made of oily rags are you okay down there I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath I'm fine I left that stupid cat actually got my tongue so you're cute Church for getting Kyra my wanting to say so damn it hello its Alastair sim now I'll have to wear a ponytail and get a Porsche and a younger wife hi guy don't be so surprised mr. after all you think your newly discovered power came without fight Lona magic nah I don't like the way they're portraying the devil it's so fine that bastard he turned me into Benjamin Franklin now Satan could have at least blended the edges of his bald wig a little better know that Dan Merlyn knew this would happen it meets Satan the owner my soul I gotta give it to you Marilyn good one I'm just a Dom rejuvenation potion acts to replenish one's life force from the natural effects of aging and the excessive use of one's psychic powers grenades and pinch of sulfur oh no I have dead Danson Hill No good thing he works out of his home this would be difficult to explain here it is under the scorched cat flesh it's possess II the clown needs what's one letter ingredients pinch of sulfur don't shoot all I have is Keith Richards old blood Oh Madelyn who bought the bed from Linda Blair it's the Wallace method for going down to breakfast riffraff at home hello Madeline he's here a walking liver spot it's matter dear did you like my new look what have you done it's true he is who he says he is he is Merlin the sorcerer not so fast my dear wonderful things in store for us no big mosquito ways to drop money I'm cooling off on the whole kid thing this came I saw I made cheese dance here's looking at you sweetheart oh no this is a good enough film they shouldn't have to steal from other movies some chicken and a biscuit would be perfect with this are you coming to bed it's working it's working look it's working my gray is going away gradually my mouth underneath my belt wig dr. Jekyll and mr. crack whatever honey I gotta get up early tomorrow 198 199 these are 200 count per Kail I'm going home to mother oh wait she's a demon too honey you're not being condescending to me I kind of missed that hey there's that ironing board cover I knew I bought one oh good now she has to raise her horrible husband it's what most wives think they do anyway great a sarcastic baby now the kids gonna write continual bad reviews about his mother's lousy care so now he's his own father based on a story by Sigmund Freud doesn't that cigano what yeah you figured it out how can I never here adult the whole thing with the baby kangaroo made it pretty obvious yeah too obvious huh no at all so because the author was a jerk my term into a baby well now you can't blame Merlin Jonathan turned him something yeah Merlin just gave him the book Yeah right it's Melanie Jones I was gonna read the spells and I know it's gonna happen to him once he did oh you think so huh you know I'm right look this pitch is over old man well Jonathan should never have threatened Merlin in the first place it's not wise to get on the bad side of a sorcerer so I doubt Merlin is back how's it gonna get it back remember the homing spell oh yeah it bored me uh-oh I farted haha time for bed my boy no wait a minute what about the 12000 good kids figuring out all applauding scum on your lap too tired Grampa don't be such a skeptic Mike it'll work once I find the right spell serve all you can't levitate an egg reading off some phony spell from a bogus Merlin book except you just don't believe in the mystical wondrous powers of magical Merlin and his holy demons Mike well here this one might just work eeny weeny tipsy teeny AAB gob goo Bellini Nick anecca firecracker ich komme bah well that was a bust look what to them did nothing my cow was just startled via the egg didn't levitate oh yeah yeah I don't know I'd be surprised I told you what you're gonna get with a book of bogus spells is this no I don't know what it is I just feel real fussy I should put myself down yeah you should do that thank you yeah well anyway when you're reading off of a bogus book of spells what do you expect but oh man I don't know what it is I guess I'm just a little colicky do I seem colic yeah Kalki sure are yeah yeah so anyway don't dabble with it what uh-oh someone made a present thank you you want to do the honors there wow that's weird huh servoz gone and he's not right in front of my face so that means he's not coming back that upsets me wham wam oh we got movie sign that obsessing further way when I had that reverse baby spell for that she's making a change in route to not a problem I have a nephew it's nothing I haven't seen yeah let's talk to you later King whoo it's Merlin's sex book picture him with Big Daddy Kane sky must iron his hair well before I hit the hay I gotta feed the Ravens scoop out the troll box oh yeah I gotta see out the cash register now that's sidewalk sales tomorrow isn't it well better get at my husbandly duties I guess Hey hey Mike he's going to a staff meeting no my shotgun traps didn't go off with the hell she's wife with no makeup Chessmaster 2000 she look at all that stuff why does he just wear a big foam cowboy hat - wow great Dr Pepper guy is burglarizing well gotta go drain the me just waiting for my band hey this looks like the most expensive thing in here waldra my friend that's you beanie boy you know if it was beware of Daryl dragon I could relate maybe a cheesehead had a long plastic horn from Wendell hey quit dragging tail I'm gonna end things with NIM you a it's not fair to the roll guy with the toy monkey on a run guy with the toy monkey armor on gotta get to my stuffed monkey fence fast hi i'm satan approve this is stuff just awful and it's all your fault if only you place that homing spell on that monkey like I told you to we wouldn't be in this mess I know I never only knew where you took it oh I bet she sweats to the oldies you gotta get out there and track it down that thief must have sold it by now or maybe even traded it for food you've got to get out there and find that thing before it gets into the wrong hands where do I start it could be anywhere I don't care just get out there and be creative now go hit the pavement you Celtic fairy don't you to choose you'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing now go so she threatened him with sex it's chin should I put my hand down you Wow I've been needing a porcelain German Shepherd I'd loved a selection here at crap and stuff I had my jaw wired shut because I was eating two nuts could someone please play the 1812 overture knob will keep us together yeah see your present can we open my roses now this one eat your cake first now we can eat it later Oh muskrat Sam all right go for over my over my it's a honey baked ham hey watch open seasons first I will Oh pusher from next door Wow a smelly used toy yeah uh-huh so I don't get the Intellivision every time a bell rings a devil gets his horns thank you welcome here's my gum yeah what's in there it's a bread maker thing come on open it up hurry up do that to me one more time hey doctor huh hey hey hey my paw you come on it's very uncomfortable hey there a movie wants a feature this thing here yeah ain't almost fire yeah a lot of grease in my ears oh I think you're right guys bring that thing over here a minute would you fire but Dad I'm a rock'n'roll ma Jin can i play with it for a minute sure they gave me a beer he's adorable yeah where'd you find this thing oh you had that junky antique store off the boulevard yeah by the window as ice hath you binding this Oh too many sequins golden coolers seventies house may I help you hello oh hello mother how are you you calling from the basement no everything's fine Michael's fine we're all fine yeah you enjoying your trip no mom I don't know why they took hazel off the air great great what are you coming home that soon huh okay three days well call me call me let me know when to pick now don't be silly mother look don't you dare take a cab I'm perfectly able to pick you up what are you like fifty pounds now good okay we'll enjoy the rest of your trip yeah okay I'll look forward to seeing you too okay goodbye oh well alright see a few days good goodbye bye bye Wow mom's youth do is so strong it came over the phone and killed the plans I think he had one of those newfangled Lacoste shirts huh so now mr. Wilson's doing nude yard work again oh please since when does a man ever noticed a plant in a house so oh that's right Moses cursed me yea Portman's Grimson was really bored by now he plotted around the kitchen for a while and got himself a cold drink I love you this much happy that first morning beer is always the best working at home the reality this is the evil toy monkey for Polident Oh blue john mcenroe writing letters of apology to various line judges a long range bug-zapper that's me hmm is that to our Incredible Hulk special on tonight or is that tomorrow hmm let's see if I opened another beer now would save me time later this place has much nicer weather than Camelot it never snows at all I shoot me I have me okay Stace I mean you no harm Wow I'm simply trying to find this toy monkey my chance have you seen it um that's it look at the monkey actually yes I'm I'm sorry for the way oh there's no need no no it's just that this isn't a very good neighborhood I mean you wouldn't believe the weirdos you just can't be too careful you know I mean I know mace is illegal in every oh of course of course oh I understand uh like you said you seen the monkey yes um yesterday this weird guy brought it in I gave him $5.00 for it you have it no I'm sorry I don't it's sold shortly thereafter blast it no I gotta soon you to hell I should be getting back to work week by chance sir do you have any information on the person who who bought it no I'm sorry she paid cash for it I see I'm not just lengthens my beard it's yours uh-huh stolen from my shop look you wanted me for a drink later I hope you find it well I'll find it all right have a nice day hmm it's kind of sunny he should really wear a slip then the guy with the receding hair drove blue car carefully signaling his turn and pulling into a suburban drive I'm sorry I thought you said that I don't know that that that Michael I didn't need him Michael Matt's Yvonne yarn the view from his airline no the hampers full yeah Michael he's with Elliot if you don't talk to your kids about bedspreads who will and I guess I should quit prowling around my neighbor's house and go home Michael oh all my heart hi dad Oh Lord sparkle it that you're playing with her put her in the garage - and I scared you she could make noise you rascal you planned this whole thing yeah well at work just scared me think of all let her in there hey Joe I grow some hair son I'm up I'm up you know Frampton really did come alive so shouldn't film always vodka rock and roll Martian I guess sure I think we must have given her too much food son have a she was so skinny well she's supposed to be skinny fish aren't made to eat very much can we bury her now yeah we can well it's on if you hold the lid open we'll bury her at sea I'll put it right out for okay yeah next to the 15 Turtles kids no I'm so sorry for your loss the crips move in excuse me okay now we're in hell firing up cushion man terrible deal and folks oh oh hey I got tang and bugles hi just killing time until video games are invented Oh dad nevermind cancel Pleasants is this outfit too ravine hi doing myself you [ __ ] yourself with an idiot yeah no grandma you can't come out yes yes P all right I'll be right out hahahaha that's Pleasant Oh what you need I got a time machine can you get in him turn it over a couple cars for sure I'm benign brought to you by LSD that is particularly funny nobody rides for the solo symbol anymore remember that kitten Billy I was nothing compared to this at least a kid went quick Billy I'm just waiting for firing line just throw me a wet towel I'll do it one more rep fine I'll just fashion a crude mask from dryer hose and charcoal briquets do it again hold it I'm not gonna be able to do it like this not mechanically I'm gonna need my timing light why don't you go extinguish your dog is with y'all buddy uh probably in my garage you probably left it in there uh-huh yeah I don't get it I'm gonna buy an and Jillian poster later puppy back off or my lips get it they have a long house my AMC paces in there but there are funny cartoons are you done yet finish my client washable then I'll douse a fire are you chilly fire do you want to light you up there i melted my leisure suit Hey oh thank you ready we're gonna change the dog's name to crispy David what happened it's okay you okay oh yeah damn Sparkle I very quickly sold Sparkle to a farm where he'll be happier I'm sorry Mike once dead no so Billy the little boy who looks just like you went through terrible irredeemable grief hey sniff my crotch the monkey killed the dog I told you it's a bad toy well then fix doesn't kill Michael what not now you're getting ahead of me first things first you see David Michael's father starts to get suspicious so he calls a a psychic friend of his oh what a psychic you know someone who can see into the future talk to good and Warwick you know a clairvoyant oh why didn't you say so does he have a sea turtle under his sweater-vests anyway he tells her about the strange things that have been going on and she being sensitive in that area senses that something in this house might be possessed by an evil spirit you are sick I'll no Han take long to figure out what it could be so you're not going to like this game very serious situation I'm running out of shawls unfortunately I'm not going to be able to because of its nature you're going to have to deal with it alone why do I have to deal with it alone listen to me David as a psychic I have an R of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense we call the moment I stepped into your house all hell would break loose literally but what am I supposed to do I don't know anything about evil sense that toy out of your house your anything that's not gonna be so easy to do you want some peanuts Sam it's called a betta gram that sense the demons name is Beth it's supposed to protect me from the demon huh yes just keep it in your possession at all times great should I wear garlic around my neck too oh my god Dave I'm sorry I appreciate your help but I just wish I know I am sorry I wish I could do the exorcism for you but this is something you'll have to do on your own Jerry I remember David never let it no you stupid bastard I could stab you in the eyes right now so help me God what you doing there Mikey drawers oh I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine children's books based on the movie I don't know I thought it might be whimsical or something yeah well bring on the whimsy man mm-hmm okay well here's one called Santa's workshop of shimmering delights aha that might win whimsical down the middle man Wow well this isn't appropriate now here air in the elfs hands gets Izzard off in the sheet metal crimper oh yeah that's unsavory all right let's try this one slow bares woodland picnic possibly go could be doing Wow why holy cow slow bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunks head with a can of pork and beans wow that Borgnine is dark man hey try fluffy bunnies new blue suit that sounds yeah that sounds completely can you oh oh oh I'm eating his liver all right that's it these are all going beheld look at this one dr. Bloods organ of Gore's guy okay look now this one seems fine what all right in a little cozy hole in the ground lift eight plump Mike's now whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needle yeah no they get little sweaters and live happily Wow weird we'll be right back little sweaters really yeah good books all hi Dan Moo come here a second Mike and the mechanics to me Pete's gonna go shopping watch go give him a hand in his old Chevy yeah yeah take off I might move all your gone but remember David never let it know that your presents this stupid man do you think it we go I really should buy my own pictures for these frames well time to rake the shag ya rental furniture is the way to go do-do-do-do-do not thinking about demons duty to do no demons come on put on John Philip Sousa dying let you stop the whistling we both know what's going on haha killdozer oh no it's a vacuum you know I usually love movies packed with scenes of people vacuuming it's ones leave me little cold Tom T tom tom tom the night Chicago died Nam got to be kidding real subtle become got that done in time for bingo Tom T TomTom just taking my monkey loose garbage out to the curb dat don t Tom I can't wait get back inside to my monkey tattoo delete we cut I'm comin oh you'll put me in bottles and cans only rigor perfectly good kind of welcome here here's a daughter killed times square new Cho check it out it's show time squared I'm going where the sun is shining through the pouring rain I've gotta get some shorts I am bacon in this thing see here's his problem he's going around dressed like that asking women have you seen my little monkey Kepler that's sam neill playing me should have been sceeto rich that guy is ripe dude why did he take moths above his eyes the cleaners of a velvet robe special on Tuesdays my cake didn't turn out oh hey hi what's in the bag well it's a head Mikey now I went down to the store he didn't look too good earlier so I thought we'd pull our resources and cook tonight oh great I feel fine now huh yeah you take a nap no I cleaned the house oh very interesting so of course this makes you feel better exactly well sure whatever say do you do I know he's due dating my kid you're nine get a real bike we only better get back to ABBA yeah manner I was right next to an old coffee filter in a diaper thanks dad is so going into the cornfield look here's another path another toy a pet another toy a toy a pet I think they better motor gravel yeah thanks kid you're now part of the dark art monkeys getting pyuria my point is Billy a man dies with a wimp looking into the face of ultimate darkness / tan my ears not unattractive girl floor it I smell chicken couldn't the monkey arrange this from inside the garbage can good point hey baby without it my god it's an exciting tale of making an early supper mom rare just the way I like chicken hmm traffic's pretty light he should be fine no come on what's happening I really want to know Mike Douglas is on oh don't be so dramatic where you going Campbell yelling this guy is just wearing jogging shorts I'm gonna go we just got back we're at Blockbuster this car doesn't have an air bag I'm very short what are you doing Dave good luck do I have corn in my teeth at least turn on the radio monkey is frantically looking around for oil pans and lightbulbs do with us and I will call a legion of beanie babies down on you man feels the faraway uh my feels of gold Oh like you have such a great kid get over it my family does it apply if you wouldn't mind tell the other monkey percussionists I love that that wasn't me you slipped there are cigar bars even in the desert sir little bastard - yelling it masonries let's eat Satan's subcontracts with God to arrange a storm alphas hair is made of wall it's going to shrink and you go to the car and grab my galoshes but doesn't he know it's dig a pony and shock the monkey about five minutes meanwhile in a dry model parks bunny must have taken that wrong turn at Albuquerque what's the big deal about wet t-shirts Mike I just don't see the appeal yeah not doing it for me either so evil wins grandpa Borgnine that's right even your tiny soul is doomed Billy yeah I got a crack this guy can crawl out of I'm stiff and dry and I have a big lumpy butt our Unitarian according to you I mean the butterflies in the Sun and I'm just a vague benevolent force on your own hi fritz whoo what I hear laughter in the rain little bit before I leave light in the boat sorry please and after behind that cushion Billy it gets worse you're something else Satan created japanimation it's the anime version of Peter Rabbit but grandpa Borgnine the tree fell right on him I know but I wrote myself into a corner that's the monkey hello oh hi mom are you I don't know okay I'll be right down don't come I'm not worth the trouble oh she is huh okay did you tape Robert Schuller for me yeah yeah I'm sure it we surprised okay I'll see you a little while yeah bye-bye hey grandmas at the airport she'll be here in a little while Oh a few more minutes without her why don't you go make sure your room is clean huh now put on a clean shirt while you're at it will you all right this shirt Michael that shirt is filthy will you change it so grandma doesn't think I've been falling down on the job Oh kill another your dogs got hit on the cheek with a tiny meteor huh Gordon I forgot to write this in maybe I can use it as a bad little time rabbie Borgnine no please not another subplot ready to grow boy ear hair when Berlin's wearing a thong under that he's gonna get some Sun look at you what gypsy ring do you belong to piss off all right yeah what's with custom certainly not Halloween forgive me J Cosgrove nice to know you home of course so Merlin you look like a man who likes his trinkets adult trinkets it happens I own a small trinkets time across the way I'll give you a cookie if you shut up that's huh it's no use funny you never know got a lot of stuff mostly Ringo hats oh no no it's my monkey I don't everywhere I just can't fight it we lost the monkey check under your robe what the chimpanzee from your show toilet cleaner me the kind with symbols you see then this thing it sure this more interesting someone walked up Jimmy gallery they'll give me this toy monkey you know what like the one you're looking for was it good right so I said okay let's move on guys you're not going to believe this not an hour ago an old man pulls up on a car nuke and offers me 20 bucks for 20 bucks I couldn't believe it yeah me neither solo - damn right what are we gonna have my kite for 20 bucks oh by the way get a haircut hippie did you get her name where she lives anything uh actually I keep a full dossier on evil monkey fires her name Mary Andrews 3:12 maple drive granted I don't usually accept checks look fully nice wide Shadowfax ride rock and roll track yes 10 dad kill the dog Michael yeah wouldn't you know it Mary there's my phone I'll talk to you later alrighty thank you so much welcome home oh thank you Michael how are you fine is that for me mom yes how was your birthday did you have a party yeah cut open my present now well take it over the table and wait till dad comes okay okay okay where's the Scotch mom hi Oh David what is that don't even care Oh have you been in an accident or something you wouldn't believe I told you chosen my friend's house please grandma please yes dear you made David are you sure you're all right just fine I'm fine did you see how well it took care your plans oh they look beautiful I can't believe how much they've grown Hey look so you kept the kid huh darling my cabinets are flying away I kicked over my blonde dad has one syllable God can help he's too busy helping Reggie white win football games come on grandpa Borgnine no wonder you never sold this Turkey hey it's what I do lighten up Saint Merlin not recognized by the Catholic Church oh there you found it oh my bra pop sweetheart you can come boom Rhonda McDonald's half-sister and so with the monkey back in Merlin's possession Merlin could return home with renewed hope for what grandpa come on course you'd still have to decide what to do with the monkey to ensure nothing like this ever happened again I deal with you later oh forget it grandpa start from scratch up from now content that everything was back to normal huh Merlin could reopen his shop and continue his quest to inspire the hopes and dreams of all those what satanic monkeys whose lives with soon touches own now time to die I also have a script called Chinatown but I don't like it as much I'm hooking a beer you need one way my goodness he grown big since I started that story yeah this is sort of clean monkey huh look how coming up flaming cat that guy meet psychic so here's your contact lens if you need it I'm going to hit the mystical can yes it's my mission to release evil and gradually recover it following the deaths of many innocent people I did a good job painting this room remember to believe in magic or I'll kill you then Merlin went chapter 11 and the magical trees and trolls were liquidated and today he's an assistant manager at the limited ah I just feel all mystically magical Mike I'm gonna go and rip someone's guts out you know this store Falls they could open as Arella secret hey you guys you know how this wasn't a piece together Ernest Borgnine movie there's another NAT piece together Ernest Borgnine movie that I eat it better oh we want to know my favorite mat piece together in his Borgnine movie it's the one I saw about a butcher a lonely butcher used to hang out with a bunch of other single guys until he meets just a right lonely woman ah Marty and together pursued by an evil monkey they lead a group of rock-hard ex-convicts behind German lines in exchange for their freedom are you sure you're not getting two I'm always confused there I don't know it's the same movie Mike and then this is it's the one with the evil monkey you know it's great Ernest also needs a bunch of people out of a huge capsized ocean liner I can't believe it never heard of those no what is the evil monkey have to do with at some point me it's one movie you know someone pledges their love from here to eternity I think it's been a while since I've seen it but the evil monkey appears out of nowhere and shouts it's so hideous it shuts Macau Macau yeah what's the name of this movie it's one movie mode Yeah right I got that not pieced together yeah I know yeah I think it's called Airwolf rock and roll Marsha Wow look what we got cool super cool who's it from who's it from oh well it says enjoy well the soon to be accredited evil mad scientist pearl oh look at this whoa I'm sorry I'm not a very good evil bunkie I'm sorry I don't tell lawgiver please I'm sorry I'll clean up everything I'm sorry Oh Pearl's calling oh right me taller I killed you're done thanks I fight whatever we done now folks million out would you just get down here you boom brink I kick him I'm and dusting her Oh hide okay Nelson according to your guys's scores on the Schumacher Esterhaus cinematic pain differential you did experience a good amount of pain I was very pleased with the board ninety and touch in the film personally speaking however I am disappointed with your scores on the wood gordon tedium inventory so the movies are only going to get worse because the more you heard the faster I get certified and I know you guys want that for me but you'll just get in the bag please oh why didn't you say so the first place I love bags laughs you know watch it Giacomo watch it

Channel: ephsauce

Views: 721,895

Rating: 4.8420029 out of 5

Keywords: googlevideo, Mystery, Science, Theater, 3000, mst3k, the, movie, this, island, earth

Id: p8Q-RuAx4V4

Length: 91min 56sec (5516 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 24 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/exitpursuedbybear]

Please, grandpa, no more stories!!!

[u/CantWearHats]

Is it bad that this is the first thing I thought of when I heard that he died?

[u/SwiftyLeZar]

Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore is one of my favorite MST jokes.

[u/trancemark]

So sad, he is responsible for so many laughs (intentionally or otherwise!) I know I will miss him.

[u/Angus99]

A truly great man and fine actor. Also, not well known, an enthusiastic masturbator:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a3b3ed3077/ernest-borgnines-secret-to-aging-well-from-that-happened