The Bible- one of the world's oldest books
and the best selling book in all of human history. It's served as the inspiration for some of
humanity's greatest moments, and plenty of its darkest. Often misunderstood, and continuously judged
and misquoted by people who've never even cracked open its pages, the Bible is both
a source of inspiration and consternation for billions, and its legacy stretches back
nearly two thousand years. But no matter on which side of the presumption
that the Bible is the word of God himself you stand, either way you have to admit that
it contains some outright weird stories. -Half-human, half-angels- The Nephilim have been one of the oldest mysteries
of the Bible, with them first being mentioned in the Book of Genesis. Typically entire segments of the Bible which
seem to make no sense to a modern reader make a lot more sense when read in the ancient
greek, hebrew, or aramaic- the three languages the various books of the bible were written
in. In the case of the nephilim though, the ancient
languages that first mention these beings of great power offers no clues, as to this
day nobody is quite sure what the word used to describe the nephilim really meant other
than 'to fall'. The nephilim are first described in Genesis
6:1-6, which takes place after Adam and Eve get an eviction notice from the Garden of
Eve for unlawful fruit eating, and after Cain kills Abel out of a fit of jealousy. By now the earth has been populated by humans,
and a mysterious group called the “sons of God”, took notice of the beauty of human
women, taking them as wives and interbreeding with them. Their offspring would result in the nephilim,
who were described as mighty men of renown, indicating that whatever they were, a significant
number of them must have risen to prominence as great leaders. Shortly after though God judges the world
evil, and decides to hit the reset button with the aid of Noah, who would ensure not
all mankind was wiped out. One great big flood and Russel Crowe film
later, and humanity would start again. Eventually the ancient jews would be enslaved
by the egyptians and earn their freedom from a very hard-headed pharaoh with the aid of
God, fleeing for a promised land that god had set aside for them. As they neared the border though Moses dispatched
some spies to scope out the land, and these spies returned telling of the great people
who inhabited the land- once more mentioning the nephilim. Biblical scholars continue to argue about
what exactly the nephilim were, with many believing they were simply the descendants
of one of Cain's children. However, if one is to take the bible literally
then all of these descendants were wiped out in a flood- and yet the nephilim once more
appear in the promised land. If all humans save Noah's family were wiped
out in the flood, then perhaps Noah- or one of his family members- was a nephilim themselves,
or these were truly the children of fallen angels and mortal women, the angels having
avoided the destruction of the flood. As most christians don't take the bible literally,
many consider the nephilim to simply be prominent and powerful figures in history, given nearly
mystical attributes of greatness by their contemporaries. -Make fun of a prophet, get eaten by bears- Elisha was one of the most important prophets
of the Old Testament, succeeding his mentor, Elijah whom he got to watch get spirited away
to heaven right before his eyes. That was probably a rather encouraging sight
for the young prophet, because at the time Israel was a land of paganism and debauchery. God's people had turned their back on the
god of their ancestors and taken up the worship of the pagan gods of the people who lived
around them, and to make matters worse Israel's ancient political leaders often took a dim
view on Elisha, or Elijah's, prophetic activity. Shortly after Elisha took on his mentor's
job, he headed for the city of Bethel. As he approached the city, a bunch of youths
came out of the city and made fun of Elisha and his apparently bald head. Elisha turned around and cursed them, and
immediately God sent two female bears to eat the impudent children. As people who have often been around misbehaving,
obnoxious children, we gotta say that it's hard for us to be mad about this particular
bible story. Then he went up from there to Bethel; and
as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to
him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and
pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods
and mauled forty-two of the youths. But what really happened here? Did God really murder a bunch of kids via
bear? Not quite. In ancient hebrew the word for youths, as
used in the scripture, was translated as young men in a pretty broad sense. It was used for Joseph in Genesis when he
was a whopping 39 years old, and for Absalom as an adult of unknown age, as well as Solomon
at age 20. From 39 to 20 years old, that's quite a broad
range for this particular adjective. Now Elisha had just recently returned from
watching his mentor, Elijah, get beamed up to heaven Star Trek style, and though Elisha
was the only witness to it happening, Elijah was a well known prophet and had told many
people that he was soon to be beamed up. Thus when Elisha approached Bethel, a city
extremely hostile to his religious views, it wouldn't have been uncommon knowledge that
Elijah had been claiming he would be hoovered up to heaven. Lastly, we get to Elisha's bald head. As Elisha lived fifty years after beginning
his ministry, he was clearly not an old man at the time. His baldness was likely a result of bad genetics. With some proper perspective, we get an entirely
different interpretation of what actually happened in this weird biblical tale. Elisha, who was suffering from male pattern
baldness at a young age, was on his way to preach in a city that was a stronghold for
pagan worship. When men who could have been as old as 39
years old saw him coming, they rushed out to intercept him, jeering and taunting him
and his faith. They made fun of both his mentor and close
friend, Elijah, telling him to “go up!”, “go up!”, as in go up into the sky and
to heaven as Elijah had claimed he would do and Elisha himself had told people he had
seen happen. Lastly, they called him a baldhead because,
well, people are kind of dicks no matter the century they live in. God then sends bears to maul the group surrounding
Elisha, but did God really kill a bunch of iron age hecklers? Well again, not quite. The scripture states that forty two of them
were attacked by bears, indicating that this was a rather large crowd- and if only 42 were
actually mauled then the real crowd was likely much bigger. Now we get a very different, and very scary
picture for Elisha- traveling alone and suddenly mobbed by a crowd taunting him. What is also important is that the verse doesn't
actually state that the bears killed anyone, simply that they were mauled, and the ancient
hebrew word indicates far less serious injuries than we might associate with the term today. So with some perspective we see a different
story: Elisha, traveling alone, was mobbed by villagers and God rescued him by sending
bears to scare and threaten them. Still a bit of a weird story though. -God's chosen assassin- It's a tale as old as.. well, the Bible. Israel receives the blessings of god, and
inevitably as the years go by and the people enjoy the good life, they forget about god
and start acting up. Then a foreign invader occupies the land until
the ancient jews turn back to god, only for them to forget about god and get invaded again. Modern biblical scholars point to the ancient
jew's constant rebellion as the natural state of man, and God's equally constant willingness
to forgive them and restore their freedom as his natural state of love and forgiveness. Think what you will of the bible, this is
an eerily accurate representation of life for anyone who has kids. During one of these occupations brought on
by Israel turning away from God, the Jews are occupied by the king of Moab, a neighboring
country. Rather than completely conquering the land
though, Eglon, king of Moab, instead forced Israel to pay annual tribute in the form of
money and other valuables. This was a popular tactic of ancient powers,
as it was far simpler, and less expensive, to simply bully your neighbors into becoming
vassals than to militarily conquer them completely. After 18 years of oppression by the Moabites,
God chose Ehud to once more set his people free. Thus Ehud decided to kick off his rebellion
by cutting the head directly off the snake. Now Ehud made himself a dagger and fastened
it under his clothes on his right thigh. So he brought the tribute to Eglon king of
Moab. (Now Eglon was a very fat man.) And when he had finished presenting the tribute,
he sent away the people who had carried the tribute. But he himself turned back from the stone
images that were at Gilgal, and said, “I have a secret message for you, O king.” He said, “Keep silence!” And all who attended him went out from him. And Ehud came to him. Then Ehud said, “I have a message from God
for you.” So he arose from his seat. Then Ehud reached with his left hand, took
the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. Even the hilt went in after the blade, and
the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the dagger out of his belly; and
his entrails came out. Now in this episode we've talked about how
important it is to frame weird bible stories in the original language used, but this story
is pretty much exactly what it sounds like, and just as bad-ass. Ehud snuck a dagger about a foot long under
his tunic like some ancient assassin, and then told the Moabite king that he had a secret
message for him. King Eglon, who was extremely obese, sent
away his attendants, and in a move that was likely meant to humiliate Ehud, he gave the
Jewish assassin a private audience- right outside of his toilet. Yep, you heard that right, Eglon took an audience
with Ehud to hear his message in what the bible very politely describes as his “cool
private chamber”. Ehud, undeterred- or un-de-turd, get it?-
then delivered the most bad-ass line in literature until Liam Neeson's speech to his daughter's
kidnappers in Taken's film script. The assassin whips out his secret dagger and
says, “I have a message from God for you.”, then stabs the startled king so deep in his
fat gut he can't pull the blade free. As far as messages go, that one was definitely...
to the point. Ok, we'll stop now. After delivering God's stab-a-gram, Ehud flees
from the palace, and King Eglon's servants who still believe he is on the toilet are
so ashamed to interrupt him, that they let him sit there for a few hours. Finally, one of them figures that something
weird is up, and risks royal embarrassment to find his dear king stabbed to death on
the john, sort of like a more violent version of an ancient Elvis. After assassinating the oppressive king, Ehud
goes on to lead Israel to victory against an army of 10,000 Moabites, securing peace
for another 80 years. After that eighty year peace though, you guessed
it, the people fell away from God and once more got invaded. Some people believe the Bible is a literal
account of history, and those people really shouldn't because the earth is definitely
older than 7,000 years and no, dinosaur bones aren't a trick by Satan to confuse you. Most Christians simply believe that the Bible
is instead divinely inspired, and some elements are historically accurate, while others are
oral tradition of the ancient believers who crafted the various books of this holy text. Non Believers might look at the Bible as more
of the latter, a sort of Christian book of fables meant to inspire good behavior. Whatever stance you take, what is undeniable
is that the Bible is definitely full of some weird stories. Want to learn about some more weirdness? Then check out our weird video: Weird Japanese
School Rules. Or perhaps you'd rather check out this other
video instead. Either way, go ahead and click one now and
keep the watch party going!
