MONTESSORI AT HOME: Independent Play

hi guys my name is Ashley and I'm a mom of two little girls I have a two and a half year old toddler named Kylie and I have a six-month-old baby named Mia if you're new to Montessori at home then you might be coming across all of these Instagram photos and youtube videos of children sitting at a table intensely focused on one activity or they're off in their play rooms playing very quietly by themselves looking very happy and you might find yourself second-guessing whether or not your child is ever going to reach that level of independence if this is you then there are two things that I want you to know right now the first thing that you have to remember is that these are edited versions of real life people tend to focus on the positive things I'm with good reason that's what people are hoping to look for is inspiration they're not usually posting photos of their kids tugging at their pant legs and having a meltdown while they're in the middle of doing dishes but you can rest assured these very same Instagram perfect families are having those same moments just like you and second I want you to take heart because playing independently is not an all-or-nothing unchangeable trait about your child that they're either born with or they're not it is a skill that can be learned it just takes time patience and practice so for one busy parent to another today I'm going to be sharing with you five tips for promoting more independent play in your Montessori home so first let's talk about what is an appropriate amount of time for independent play that you can expect from your child to be totally honest with you you really cannot put a specific number on this because every child is unique and different they develop at their own pace some children are just naturally more comfortable with their independence than others what I can tell you is that the younger your child is the less time you can expect for them to sit there and play independently with success so for a young baby or toddler expecting only a couple of minutes at a time for one specific activity is totally normal as your child gets a little bit older then you're going to see that time start to stretch out a little bit so you might be able to get ten or fifteen minutes here and there if you're lucky and then eventually once your child actually discovers how to play independently then that time will increase even more and you'll find yourself with 15-20 minutes maybe a half hour and by the time your child hits the preschool years generally if they've had enough practice by then they're pretty good at occupying themselves for a half hour - maybe even an hour as long as it's an activity that they're intensely interested in but in order to get them to that point you have to provide opportunities for them to be able to discover their own creativity and invent play for themselves I am by no means suggesting that you do not play with your child you absolutely need to sit down and play with your child and immerse yourself in their world with no other distraction at least once a day in fact the more time that you have to do this the more your child is going to benefit from it but the fact is children do need to know eventually how to play by themselves they cannot rely on you 24/7 to be their source of entertainment not only is that an inconvenience for you as an adult because we have lives to lead and houses to clean and jobs to do and things like that but it's also important for your child's healthy development to be able to follow their own interests what it's really about is finding a good balance between the time that you spend playing with your child and a time that you're giving them to play independently so what's a parent to do here's what you can start doing today to start fostering more independent time in your home first you want to step back and observe too often parents are just far too involved in what their child is doing during playtime and they're just so closed up that they can't see the forest for the trees so if you can make an effort next time your child is playing to consciously take a step back and I'm speaking mentally and also physically take a step back and just watch your child watch what they're doing look at the motions that they're using with their hands and what they're gravitating towards see if you can figure out if there's something that is really driving them and motivating them and I'm not just talking topics like animals or construction vehicles although that's part of it I'm also talking about just general and mannerisms and behaviors that you're seeing is your child super interested in throwing things are they really focused on stacking things or knocking things down are they taking things out of containers and putting them back in repeatedly are they lining things up in a row are they trying to cover themselves up in blankets and things like that these are all the different types of schemas and I'll link some more information down below about it if you're interested in learning a little bit more about schemas and how to recognize the different ones that your child might be interested in at the current time but once you can learn to kind of pinpoint those types of things that's really good information think of it as parent recon if you can figure out what it is that your child is interested in then when you actually have some time to sit down and put some activities together for them you can really focus on something that you know they're going to be interested in and what's great about that is then you're fostering even more interest in the activities that you have out for your child which is encouraging them to play independently even more so it's this cycle that you actually want to create something that you can do is make sure that you have a variety of open-ended toys available at all times for your child to play with things like blocks or magna tiles play silks pretend food or a pretend kitchen vehicles things that can be used in more than one way by your child I will be sure to link a couple of our favorite open-ended toys down below in the description box in case you'd like to get a couple of ideas of where to start my second tip is be assistant not the leader and what I mean by that is if you are sitting down and playing with your child you really want to take on the role of an assistant you're not directing what's happening and giving all of the ideas you're physically sitting back and just kind of letting your child take charge and if your child decides to initiate some sort of interaction with you like looking up at you for a moment and asking you to do something that's part of what they're doing then that's okay but try to make sure that whatever involvement you have is always child initiated you are not the one constantly jumping in and interrupting whatever it is that they're doing parents sometimes forget that children don't need you to show them how to play if you give a baby a rattle all you need to do is hand it to your baby or even put it in front of them and allow them to pick it up themselves they will naturally pick it up shake it and realize that a sound is made when they do that they do not need you to show them these things and I know as a parent sometimes we just get really excited to help our children make these discoveries but honestly it's just so much better for them if they make those discoveries on their own the one exception to this rule would be the fact that if you're introducing an activity that is very specific so for example a practical life skill for the first time or some sort of a matching activity where there are specific set of rules and a sequence to how the activities should be done then it is totally acceptable to show them the first time how the activity works but after that you don't need to be involved your child has seen it they understand what they're supposed to do and from that point on it's up to them to kind of practice and play with it and eventually master it they do not need you to step in and constantly correct them and say no it goes this way and often children actually find that pretty frustrating and the other half of that is especially for babies modeling things for which they don't have actual life experience yet and the best example I can give you of this is when Kylie was very little I bought her one of those little people buses with just a set of three little people and I gave it to her and just let her explore but she didn't really understand the concept of what to do with the little people and the bus because she was a baby she had never seen a bus you've never been she didn't know what to do with it so I actually sat down with her one day and I modeled for her how the people can go through the door and sit in the seats and I modeled making the bus drive back and forth and making verbing noises and I only did it once and after that she picked up on it and she kind of understood what the toy was and how it could be used of course that's not the only way it's able to be used but I gave her a basis for starting to play with it so always remember when you're playing with your child that you are the assistant only you are not going to bother them while they're playing unless they ask for your help or they ask you to become involved in some way and this is a very important step because honestly this is what's setting the groundwork for them being able to play by themselves without you being involved so tip number three is focus is sacred so stop interrupting you want your child to be able to intensely focus on something that interests them without being interrupted I find it the easiest example for most parents to understand is if you can imagine yourself in the middle of something at work that you are just very focused on you're you're almost done with it you just have a few last things to type out or a few last things to put in place before you're done and then someone walks in and just completely interrupts your workflow that's how your child feels when they're in the middle of playing and they're in their flow and you suddenly walk up behind them and you say oh good job honey that looks amazing or oh no it doesn't go like that it goes like this and then you fix whatever it is that they were doing I know as parents this one is very difficult for us to do we want to be our kids cheerleaders we want to be sitting there encouraging them every step of the way and telling them you can do it and there are times in places where that might be appropriate like at their soccer game when they're a little bit older but for a young baby or a toddler who is just figuring out the world and just kind of observing and taking it all in and absorbing everything around them they don't really need that constant barrage of encouragement from you every once in a while sure but try to rein it in the other thing that parents tend to do a lot that always breaks a child's focus again it is always well-intentioned but something that's not really necessary is asking questions or quizzing them in the middle of their play so an easy example that I can think of right off the bat is if your child was working on a shape puzzle and they were working really hard on getting the triangle right exactly the way it needed to be to fit into the puzzle they were having a little bit of a tough time but they're not asking for help they are persevering on their own and then all the sides of the parent interrupts and says do you know what shape that is is that a triangle yes that's a triangle at that point the child's focus is broken they might not be interested in trying to fit the triangle piece into the puzzle anymore they might show signs that looks like they're getting really frustrated and toss the puzzle aside or just walk away from it but at that point you've kind of ruined their flow right in the moment when it was most important I've observed myself that parents tend to do this a lot in other situations where there are other parents and other children it's almost like they want to show off how much their children know and so they will quiz them in front of the other parents and say things like do you know what color that is oh what number is this what letter is this it almost feels like a little bit of a competition when that starts happening and personally I know that I don't like it so I really make an effort not to quiz my child not just in group settings like that but at home as well if she's focused on something then I let her focus now of course there are times when you're going to need to interrupt your child because life happens so if you have to leave to go somewhere and you have to be on time and your child happens to be in the middle of an activity then so be it you're going to have to interrupt them it happens but if you're just at home and you have nowhere to be and perhaps maybe you're cooking dinner you can give your child a little heads-up a little warning hey honey we're gonna be eating dinner in about five minutes so why don't you finish up working on your block tower sometimes that little bit of warning is all that they need to continue their focus and finish without becoming frustrated that they've been interrupted so again if you have the time your best bet is to just kind of wait for a natural break in their focus wait till they look up and kind of look around to give you some attention or wait till it looks like they finish their activity if they were close to being done and then at that point it would be appropriate to try to help your child transition to the next activity or place that you need to be my fourth tip is to limit or omit screen time whether or not screens are actually Montessori is a bit of a gray area simply because of the fact that dr. Montessori was not alive in a digital age so she was not around to be experimenting with us herself and leaving guidelines for us on how to handle it so it has been kind of left open to interpretation and lots of Montessori families approach it in very different ways if you are somebody that is hoping to implement Montessori very strictly in the most traditional sense of the ideology then you probably want to omit screen time altogether perhaps not even just for your child but maybe for even your entire household however with that said I urge you to think about this as adults most of us are on our phones and our computers multiple times every single day your child is observing this they see us on our devices and I feel like it would be a little bit hypocritical for us to then turn around and say no you are not allowed to use a screen after all we are modeling for our child in every aspect of daily life not to mention your child is eventually going to come into contact with screens especially once they go to school or when they're older and they start going over to their friends houses for the first time so why not do as we do in all other aspects of our child's lives and help to guide them and teach them in the responsible proper use of these types of devices my one caveat to that is to actually wait until your child is at an age where it's appropriate for them to use a screen the American Academy of Pediatrics actually has very specific recommendations on the amount of screen time for different age groups of children and for 0 to 18 months their recommendation is zero screen time with the exception of video chatting with family and friends and the reason for that is no matter how much marketing you see that says this app or this TV show is educational a child under the age of 18 months cannot mentally process in the way that it's intended what that TV show or act is trying to teach them so it really isn't until they're at least a year and a half two years old and the other more important reason is that that screen time for infants and young toddlers is essentially taking the place of very much needed time for physical development and one-on-one human interaction instead of your child getting to look at your face and hear your voice and see you singing to them or reading them books or instead of them being able to roll around and practice rolling over or practice sitting up by themselves instead of doing those very healthy things that they should be doing they are plopped into a high chair and has a screen set in front of them for them to essentially just zone out it's just not very healthy at that young of an age between the ages of 18 and 24 months the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that you kind of stick to under one hour it's just an introduction for the child and anything that you do show them should be high quality programming that you have previewed and that you are watching with them so that you can kind of explain to them what it is that they're seeing and help them process it between the ages of 2 & 5 the AAP recommends no more than one hour per day of screen time again of nothing but high quality programs that you have pre-selected and that hopefully if you can you are also co-viewing with them and then for ages 6 and over they do recommend still very much limiting their screen time but at that point they don't put a number on it it's kind of at parental discretion so what's the reason for limiting screen time as it relates to independent play basically the screen is the one doing all of the entertaining and playing for your child they are just a passive observer they are not actively thinking they're not actively moving around they're not using their creativity or inventing their own play they're just kind of sitting there and that is not a good way to promote independent play another thing that I would like to point out and this is something that I read somewhere else and it resonated with me and I have never forgotten it is this idea that without screens you are giving your child the gift of boredom you are not a bad parent for allowing your child to feel bored every once in a while boredom is ultimately what allows your child to be creative and to come up with things on their own they're forced to think about what they're interested in what can they do with the things that they have available so really being bored is one of the best situations that you can create as a parent now if you're finding that your child is coming to you and complaining that they're bored very frequently something that you can do is sit down with them one day and create something called a boredom Buster jar and it's basically just a jar with lots of little slips of paper in it where you've written on it with your child ideas for things that they like to do ideally most of these suggestions should be coming from your child because then you know it's something they're interested in because they came up with the idea but of course you can always add a few of your own ideas in there as well and then this way next time they come to you and say mom I'm bored I don't know what to do then you can remind them to go check the board and buster jar and pull an idea out of there now if you have an offering screen time to your child without any limits but you want to shift your approach then the most respectful thing to do first would be to sit down with your child and have a conversation explain to them what the new rules are going to be this way they are not taken by surprise when suddenly you tell them screen time is over next you might consider setting a timer for yourself just to kind of keep yourself in check to remember to enforce the fact that screen time is over once the time is actually up because it is so easy for us as adults to get carried away and the things that we're trying to get accomplished while they're on their screens so it is very possible that you could simply just forget and you don't want to set the precedent that your rules aren't consistent so set a timer for yourself and when that timer goes off you go over to your child and let them know that screen time is over or that they can finish the last five minutes of the episode they were watching but that then screen time will indeed be over and then stick to your guns with older toddlers and preschoolers and older children you can certainly expect a little bit of pushback and maybe a couple of meltdowns in the beginning of this transition period as they become accustomed to the new rules and the best thing that you can do for them is to just be there for them use positive discipline techniques use respectful parenting and just help them process their emotions until they've kind of become readjusted to the new way that things are in your house if you want to learn a little bit more about how to implement positive discipline strategies in these situations and I will link a video that I made very recently below for you guys and up here in the cards as well and you can check that out when you're done watching this video so once you've actually started implementing the four strategies that we just discussed observing your child being an assistant to their play respecting their focus and limiting screen time what steps can you physically take to start promoting independent play right now tip number five is gradual retreat now this is actually a term that is used in reference to helping your child learn to sleep and appendant lee not play independently but I found that it works great in this situation too so how would you go about accomplishing gradual retreat to help your child learn to play by themselves well the first step is to sit down play with your child do exactly what you've always been doing the next step is to actually sit back a little bit physically and mentally while your child is playing and start to observe a little bit more just watch what they're doing don't engage quite as much this kind of is tied in to all the strategies we were talking about before and be sure to do this for a while wait until it seems like your child is very comfortable kind of directing what's going on with you sitting right there still but that they're being the leader the third step in this process is where you're actually going to start seeing a little bit of progress you're going to sit farther away from your child perhaps in a chair across the room you're not going to be in their immediate play space you're going to physically separate yourself a little bit from your child now you're not leaving their line of sight you're going to stay in the room relatively close but again far enough away that they feel the separation because you kind of are like your child's satellite they do feel a need to check in with you every once in a while and that's normal so you want to be there still but otherwise you kind of want to check out from what they're doing find another activity that you can do in the room with them for example you can read a book or you can knit if you're into knitting or crocheting do something that is for you but you're doing it in the same room as your child and kind of almost like you're playing next to them with something that interests you because that's probably what it's going to look like to your child the one thing you don't want to do is sit across the room sit on your phone on Instagram or YouTube or whatever it is that you do on your phone because children pick up on everything and your child knows that when you're on your phone you are not 100% there with them and they will feel ignored and that's when the independent play is going to break down and you're gonna find them stopping what they're doing to come over and try to gain your attention again so really try to avoid being on your phone during these times especially in the beginning find something else to do that you can stop doing what you're doing if they do need your attention momentarily but that you can go right back to doing again out of all the steps in this process I would say this one is probably the most important because this is your child's first real experience with physically separating from you and then staying where they are to continue their activity the fourth step in this process would be you getting up too quickly run an errand while your child is playing so you have to get up and go grab a cup of coffee real quick or you need to use the restroom right down the hall really quickly or if you have other little ones in the house perhaps the baby just woke up from a nap and you need to go grab the baby really quick always remind your child that you're gonna be right back so as your child is playing you can just quickly inform them hey I'm gonna go grab my cup of coffee I'll be right back and then go get your cup of coffee and come right back don't stop to do anything else what you want to do is help your child realize that when you leave the room you are not going to disappear forever you are going to come back and they aren't going to be left alone so you have to start out with baby steps and whatever errand you choose it needs to be a quick one if your child follows you when you leave the room that's okay again baby steps but keep at it keep trying it every single time and eventually your child will learn that hey mom really is gonna come right back with her cup of coffee just like she said and they will learn to stay put it just takes time and the final last step in this process of gradual retreat is to start making those errands that you go on longer and longer overtime you're not gonna jump from a quick 1 second air into 20 minutes of being gone there needs to be more of a transition than that so you're going to have to choose your errands wisely and make them such that it's a slow gradual transition perhaps maybe the first time you're only gone for a second but then you're gone for three minutes and then the next time you're gone for five and then you're gone for ten minutes and then before you know it you'll be working your way up to 15 20 minutes maybe a half hour but I do feel pretty confident that if you use this gradual retreat method to help your child learn that they can play independently and that you're not disappearing forever eventually they will get there I think I've said this already about ten times in this video but it takes time practice and patience so those are my five tips for promoting more independent play in your Montessori home if you guys have any questions about any of the tips that I mentioned today or if you have any tips that you have used with your child that you feel were really successful then please be sure to share with us in the comments down below and if you liked today's video then please be sure to give it a big thumbs up just in case you are new to my channel I did want to let you know that this video is part of a larger series called Montessori at home which is aimed at providing practical tips and advice for busy parents like you and I for implementing Montessori philosophies at home with your children so if that sounds like something that you're interested in learning more about then you might consider subscribing to my channel so that you don't miss a new video because I do upload a new one just like this one every single week thanks so much for watching today and I'll see you next time bye [Music]

Channel: Hapa Family

Views: 133,166

Keywords: montessori at home, independent play, independent play toddler, independent play baby, encouraging independent play, montessori toddler, montessori baby, montessori parenting, montessori parenting method, how to teach your baby to play independently, self directed play

Id: YeZ8XP0HtTs

Length: 24min 35sec (1475 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 25 2019