Mom Turns My Wedding Into Brother's Birthday Party Bc He's Autistic & I Must Accommodate His Needs

so my brother 20 is autistic he has a lot of very special specific needs from what kind of fabric his clothing is made of to what he will eat and how it's prepared to the sounds and smells around him because of his special needs he needs a lot of extra attention so growing up my parents were very much occupied with taking care of him if things aren't exactly how he likes them to be he will have a meltdown that usually involves screaming crying and throwing things and it's quite unpleasant i know he can't help it it's just how it is well i'm recently engaged in planning my wedding which is in two years so fingers crossed the global issue will be under control by them and i'll admit i'm being very selfish about it i never got anything to myself growing up everything always revolved around my brother and so i've decided i'm gonna go all out with my wedding and serve the food i like decorate how i like play the music i like etc my fiance is amazing about it and has no interest in helping plan the wedding he just has a few things he wants to have a say in and he already made those choices so we're good and just wants me to be happy i visited my mother this past weekend to talk about planning the wedding and what i've chosen so far and my mother was shocked and appalled she said the caterer i chose doesn't have enough food options for my brother he doesn't like the flavor cake i want the colors will upset him and having a dj in lights will overwhelm him i got mad at her and told her it's my wedding not my brother's birthday party that she can pack him a meal if he doesn't like anything on my menu and bring him a cupcake so he can have cake and that there are back rooms in the venue that he can sit in while other people are dancing she's super mad at me and said i'm being a selfish horrible person for not considering my brother's needs at all and basically making it impossible for him to enjoy himself at my wedding that weddings are about family she said i should know how hard things are for him and i should have done better and i need to change everything immediately he hates parties and crowds he would much rather sit in a back room and watch videos on his ipad than socialize i don't think it's unreasonable for my parents to let me have one day where everything isn't perfect for my brother and i should appreciate what i enjoy and what i want for my wedding i don't have any plans on changing anything about my wedding because i honestly just don't want to am i the idiot not the idiot your mom is absolutely right when she says weddings are for family not just your brother the entire family will roll up expecting celebrations and merriment and all your mom wants to give them is sticking their heads round the door of a quiet room and watch him watch his ipad oh and one at a time he hates crowds omg you poor girl i bet this has been every birthday christmas and holiday you've ever had don't let it be your wedding it should be the best day of your life you are not the idiot your wedding is about you and your fiance it's not selfish to want that your mom probably thinks you're being selfish but i would count her with so is she she's so used to the life she's built to make things comfortable for your brother she seems to have forgotten she has another child with needs stand your ground and i hope you have money to pay for your own wedding that's the absolute best way for you to get what you want not what your brother needs you are not wrong family gets super weird around weddings and your mom has a right to want things to be easy for your brother but telling you you're selfish for doing what you want is kind of a nasty thing to do frankly i can't imagine how difficult it is for her but i don't know just seems like she wants you to put his needs before what you and your future partner want i am currently 16 weeks pregnant very early on husband and i made the decision to hold off telling anyone family included until i was 12 weeks along due to some health issues i have that make this a higher risk pregnancy so far everything is going great about a month and a half ago when i was 10 weeks we visited husband's parents for a socially distanced dinner out on their deck his brother and sister-in-law were also there as was his sister as you can probably guess after dinner brother-in-law and sister-in-law made the announcement that they are expecting yay everyone was very excited sister-in-law asked husband's mom if she was ready to be a grandma and to spoil her first little grandbaby she obviously replied yes everyone asked the standard questions and brother and sister-in-law revealed that they were six weeks along so about a month behind us in the week following that there were lots of texts in the family group chat about how excited everyone was for the first baby of the next generation husband and i kind of played along because we weren't ready to announce and also figured we didn't want to take away from their thunder by announcing right after them fast forward two weeks and i'm finally 12 weeks along my husband and i did discuss for a hot second whether it was too soon after brother and sister-in-law's announcement to make our announcement but we felt like we couldn't really wait much longer as we wanted to tell our families before anyone else and i was starting to show we invited everyone over for dinner on our deck and made the announcement that we are expecting mother and father-in-laws were super excited as was husband's sister brother-in-law also seemed pretty happy for us but sister-in-law didn't really say much everyone started asking the usual questions again when we've revealed we were 12 weeks along everyone did the math and realized our baby will be born first sister-in-law actually started to tear up a bit and went to the bathroom brother-in-law went to check on her a little later and said she wasn't feeling well so they left the next morning he called husband basically said it was totally inappropriate to steal their thunder like that that sister-in-law was crying all night because she wanted to have this special time but i couldn't even give her a month before i had to make it about me etc husband kinda just listened and then brother-in-law hung up on him then we got a call from mother-in-law saying that we really upset brother and sister-in-law and we really should have waited a few more weeks since they had only just announced it's been a month since all this happened and brother and sister-in-law are still giving us the cold shoulder i've spoken to a few friends about it and their responses are kind of mixed basically they understand why sister-in-law is upset but they don't really say that i did anything wrong i don't know am i the idiot wow not the idiot i absolutely do not understand why anyone would support sister-in-law in this nonsense it's not like you got pregnant to spite her you were already pregnant your baby will be born first it's too late to change that sister-in-law is bizarrely hung up on producing the first grandchild like really bizarrely but what could you do if you waited longer they'd complain that you tricked them or hid the news from them why can't sister-in-law be happy about having a same-age cousin for her child why does she have to make this all about her why in the world is anyone supporting her in this my sister-in-law and i were pregnant at the same time she was due first first grandchild for my parents and her parents my peanut came five weeks early and she was upset she still had the first grandchild on her side kids are 28 now it still comes up for god's sake you are not the idiot what are you supposed to do just press pause on the pregnancy they'll come around brother-in-law is upset because his wife is upset and she's maybe extra sensitive due to hormones mother-in-law needs to mind her business and not get into the middle of it because she's only going to make it worse it sucks that they can't be excited that you're going through this together and the babies are going to be the same age and have instant besties they're too much happy for people to be focused on who gets to be the center of attention there is a family secret that has been hidden for the last decade it strained my relationship with my mom significantly while my dad was still alive she was having an affair with my uncle my dad got into an accident and passed away and before the funeral even happened my mom had moved my uncle in pretending to extended family that he was there to help us a couple of weeks after the funeral everyone found out and they are estranged from my mom and uncle now my mom was pregnant during all this and it was very hard as a kid to accept what was happening my mom and uncle got married before their daughter was born and since then they've had a son my relationship with my mom and uncle is not great it has sucked living with them and seeing their happily ever after play out after what they did not even just to my dad but to me my mom has always gotten up my butt about my attitude towards her and her husband and i have always tried to ignore it for the most part but the other night she and i got into a fight when their daughter asked why i don't like her parents and i told her to ask them my mom said it was like telling them there was something they should know i told her she was the one who slept with her husband's brother moved him in when he died while having a kid in the house and then telling the kid to lie about it so the funeral could pass and she could get money from her in-laws instead of being cut off i told her she was a disgusting person and i couldn't wait to move out in a few months am i the idiot at it my dad died in a workplace accident my mom and uncle were kissing in front of me the day he died so the affair started before it's also not really an affair if he had been gone still messed up to do it in front of me but still i am my dad's only child both kids are my uncles i have contact with my extended family behind my mom's bag she and my uncles are completely cut off from both maternal and paternal families do your brother and sister genuinely not know that your dad and theirs were brothers my god how awful for you you are not the idiot i hope you can move soon even if the mom and uncle hooked up after the father died that would be fine but that's not what happened here mom was already banging uncle and if i read that right already pregnant with the baby that's a whole extra level not the idiot opie's mother must be a piece of work or just really stupid she could have just waited a few months after first husband died that was a little convenient don't we think announced she was pregnant by first husband brother swoops in and does the gallant thing of marrying her to help out his brother's widow in her time of need since it was the brother good chance the kids would look reasonably similar to first husband it's a bad rom-com but at least everyone wouldn't know she was a terrible person they'd only wonder you're not wrong mom played a dumb game and won her prize in the form of an estranged family if she's worried about what her new children will think of her then she shouldn't have acted disreputably in the first place so a little backstory me and my hubby are both law enforcement we met when i had only been on the job for two years he has been my best friend since we met but we never started dating each other until four years ago and last month we got married a small wedding hopefully having a bigger gathering to celebrate when things clear up a bit i've known my mother-in-law for years she always treated me like a daughter and has always been a great mother-in-law up until recently mother-in-law is worried because i'm 32 and my baby maker is running out of time i mean please i still have time we want kids but not just right now and she just thinks we're being ridiculous i got home from work yesterday for my husband to sit me down and tell me his mom had tried to pay him into hiding or throwing away my birth control pills he obviously didn't do it though he also told me to be extra cautious around her because she may do it herself i was surprised and called her to tell her off and all she did was cry and say that i was being a witch and how unfair it was on her i ended up hanging up on her but then texted her that we were now in no contact with her later on that night we went over to my sister's house and on the way home i got a notification on my phone that there was someone at her front door i checked the cameras and it was mother-in-law so i called her and asked her why she was at her house and she told me she needed to talk to us both and we needed to open the door for her because she needed to talk to us i told her we weren't home so she started yelling at us through the phone that call didn't last long as my husband didn't really care much and took my phone and simply hung up on her before turning off both our phones i haven't checked my messages since turning my phone back on but i know she has been texting me non-stop you have time my friend had her first daughter at 40 and her second daughter at 44. her little girls are strong smart healthy and absolutely stunning nothing wrong with waiting that is not typical it's very uncommon to naturally have children in your mid-40s it's not good advice to give to opie that all will be well op should speak to a qualified gynecologist i'm so sorry you're going through this op i wanted to join the chorus of some other commenters to be really honest with yourself about fertility timelines i'm not even 30 i and my husband are healthy with no family history issues we've been trying for a while and still nothing a lot of studies have reported that fertility for women starts declining at 30 and more at 35. there are many exceptions to this and it does not mean your fertility is gone the day you turned 30. also your mother-in-law is wild all i want to do is encourage you and your husband he sounds wonderful to consider that it might take much longer than you realize i 27 female live with my boyfriend 29 in a small apartment and we make decent money enough to pay the bills and save a little every month this is just to say we're not rich but we're not destitute either we also have separate bank accounts and prefer to keep it that way just saying i don't even share my bank info with the man i live with who pays half my rent my brother david 25 is a great guy super funny cool to be around but he's admittedly a deadbeat he still lives with our parents hasn't held a job for more than six months and has no career aspirations besides inheriting the house and figuring it out from there he technically does have more money than i do but that's because he's been able to save everything from his odd jobs doesn't pay rent or any utilities and can just keep that money sitting in his checking account recently david and my mom have been asking me to sign david onto my bank account and vice versa that means either of us could deposit or withdraw from each other's accounts no questions asked i didn't have a good feeling about it so i said i'd think about it my brother immediately started joking are you worried i'll steal from you come on i have more money than you do i should be worried about you stealing from me he was obviously joking but i still said i had to think on it i later asked my mom why she wants us to share our bank accounts and she said something along the lines of well if anything happened to either of you the other would be able to take the money in case of an emergency which now that i typed that out it sounds like they may be plotting to kill me in the next few months i told her i didn't feel comfortable doing it and now the whole family is saying i'm selfish and don't trust my brother the thing is i do trust him and i have no real logical reason not to accept i don't actually think they're planning on ending me for my mediocre bank account it just doesn't sit right with my gut since i can't really justify it i feel like i may be the idiot but at the same time they haven't given me a reason to do it besides in case of an emergency am i the idiot not the idiot there is absolutely no good reason for you to allow your brother or anyone else access to your bank accounts say no and then shut down any further discussion it's three huge waving red flags that one they'd even ask you to do this and two they're saying you are selfish because you refuse and three they're saying you don't trust your brother god right you shouldn't trust him or your parents tell him if he's ever unhappy because he can't make a direct deposit into your bank account you'd be willing to accept it from him in cash my suspicion is he wants his name on your account in order to qualify for a loan or a credit card my mother-in-law doesn't like me but she is very good at being passive-aggressive and none of the men in the family can see it well actually i think father-in-law does because i occasionally see them exchanging looks but he seems to think it is cute and dear husband is just clueless of a nearly adult daughter who mother-in-law has never paid much attention to her excuse is all women are close to their daughter's children we were at their house last night and all of the women were in the kitchen and the topic of weddings and first meetings came up and my sister-in-law said she loves how her parents met which i'd never heard before but apparently he was looking for a wife they were in a different country at the time and decided he wanted her though he had never spoken to her it went over to her and asked her to stand up and he measured her because he had a certain maximum height he asked if she wanted to get married and she said no but one of her friends whispered about who he was so she changed her mind he said they could get married if she never wore those shoes again so she took them off and gave them to him and he snapped the heel off they are actually happy but what my daughter found that story offensive and asked if mother-in-law truly didn't mind being dehumanized and mother-in-law rolled her eyes and said something about the new generation my daughter continued that measuring her is really creepy because she's a person not a livestock sister-in-law told her to calm down he was clearly looking for a trophy wife so it isn't that different my daughter wanted to know if she was really okay with it and how doesn't she have gross feelings about it my mother-in-law said it's so sad your mom raised you to think with no world view no perspective the world must be so boring to you i asked what she meant by that and mother-in-law didn't reply so i demanded to know if she was calling my daughter stupid she didn't deny it she just rolled her eyes now my husband is annoyed because he said she didn't say that and our daughter was being culturally insensitive not the idiot your daughter clearly has a better worldview than your mother-in-law that story was gross and she really was just being treated like livestock good for you for defending your daughter for being a smart empowered young woman and further more kudos for doing so in front of her and teaching her to hold her ground your husband should take a lesson from your book you all are idiots your daughter needs to learn that not everyone views the world marriage etc in the same way it doesn't mean she needs to agree with it or just stay silent but there are ways to explore different opinions without being nasty everybody in this situation just comes off as rude you are not wrong unless i'm missing something she's insulting you and your daughter that being said i think confronting mother-in-law won't change her views unfortunately if it's anything like my family they grew up with the culture being normalized and to challenge that will likely offend them if not done carefully it's more important that you continue to communicate to your daughter that mother-in-law and others like her harbor an unhealthy worldview at her age it seems clear she understands there was a problem with what mother-in-law was saying so it's good to know she's following in your footsteps rather than hers i don't envy your relationship with mother-in-law wishing you the best your mother-in-law seems pretty happy with being dehumanized so just let her be proud of that dumb thing [Music]

Channel: ASK GURL

Views: 55,384

Rating: 4.9207921 out of 5

Keywords: askreddit, r/askreddit, reddit, askwomen, reddit women, askreddit real voice, reddit stories, justnomil, r/aita, r/tifu

Id: xE62lOwGx-4

Length: 19min 33sec (1173 seconds)

Published: Mon May 31 2021