MISOPHONIA in RELATIONSHIPS (A Conversation with Misophones about How To Deal with Misophonia)

[Music] so the word misophonia the condition um is not something that i knew about until eight years into the relationship i didn't know why it bothered me so much and then luckily someone told me about misophonia and that was very helpful very helpful to understand that i wasn't just crazy i've known my fiance for 10 years and i've known her longer than i've known i've had misophonia i didn't tell her i'm more found it out and kept her informed i would send her links like hey babe look at this sound sensitivity syndrome and she would say oh this sounds like you we were on this journey for self-diagnosis together probably came early into the relationship you know because a lot of people sort of around me will make a joke like oh don't make that noise around her you know if you crunch she'll lose their mind you know kind of jokingly but as we we've been together 20 years and it just sort of gradually would start to come out when we first started dating like the first time i stayed the night at his house i was like dude do you snore do you breathe heavy and he's like i don't know why i'm like because i can't stand it like i will i will leave if that happens when i figured out and was told about misophonia wow like this sounds like what i've been going through my entire life sometimes i feel like maybe he doesn't completely understand and he thinks that it's just me being annoyed with things rather than like i know i really cannot stand it as i've been getting older i feel like it's been getting worse more the rage has increased with time too i mean i'm lucky that he is pretty understanding and pretty patient i think it's hard for those that don't have it to really understand like it's more than just being annoyed or like a nail on chalkboard you just feel so much rage in 2008 i actually went to an ear doctor because i really thought i was going crazy and um really wanted some diagnosis and then things in our life kind of went crazy we never got an official diagnosis i first started explaining my misophonia around two months before we started dating i didn't really like to tell a lot of people about misophonia because it's really hard to understand i had no idea they had it prior to going into this so i felt really vulnerable just because you don't always know how someone is gonna respond to your needs you learn about the issues together and you talk about how you can mitigate with each other otherwise there's this resentment of i can't be who i am and after a while that takes its toll i can get asked during my evaluations with patients when should i tell someone if i'm dating about misophonia many people who have mesophonia never tell anyone or very few people there's a there's a great great element of shame in people who have misophonia that needs exploration and study because after all it's a biochemical physiologic change that you didn't make happen you're not responsible for it but you feel like it's some shameful secret when do i tell my date about my skeletons in my closet well this is very individual some people make it very clear and right from the beginning and many people though i think the most common thing is they have a few dates with somebody and they watch their behavior and i've had many patients tell me well i really liked him or her we went out for a date but i i really couldn't tolerate his eating style and that was our i was embarrassed to tell him why so i just said i wasn't interested and that's a common situation and i would like to encourage people with misophonia to see it and start thinking about it like a diabetes where you say i i've been diagnosed with misophonia at a young age and it affects how i can tolerate certain sounds and so i want you to know this about me because i might stand up and walk away i'm not really mad at you i'm only mad at this moment in those sounds you're making and it's okay to have those honest discussions [Music] um i would say that the thing that is hardest for me in dealing with misophonia and being in a relationship is that sometimes my partner will start to make noises or move in certain ways that just really irks me and he doesn't recognize it and it's like i get angry at him um and he doesn't understand why i'm feeling so angry and so then in turn he gets annoyed and sometimes it can turn into like some sort of argument or where we just need to kind of be a part and it makes things more difficult so it kind of feels like sometimes it's a hindrance on our relationship for sure first it's like how do i explain this to somebody and are they going to believe me or you know believe that it's a real thing so it's only been in the last few years that you know there's been like misophonia named there's a little more validation about it i think that's helped my husband understand it more it definitely has taken him a while to truly get it and not take it personally when i can't like be in the same room with him while we're eating it's you know it affects our whole family for sure living with my fiance has exacerbated some of the sounds that used to not be a problem this has also kind of put a little bit of strain on a relationship she knows it's not her fault that i get upset but it's still hard when i have to leave the room or when i have to tell her to leave or when i have to put in earplugs she takes it personally even though she knows she shouldn't and we have a really great relationship but no relationship is perfectly immune to the trials and tribulations of misophonia unfortunately when i first told this person that i had misophonia they said i have this too i never heard of this before but i have it too that was before we had even started dating to have someone there that shared something as deep as that was really interesting it can become really easy to have their own triggers morph into your own and you take those on so that was really dangerous for me but it was also amazing to have someone who just accepted who i was and just understood me no matter what one of our most basic human instincts as infants is to be close to and relate to other humans one of the hallmarks of misophonia is how it abruptly changes relationships with other human beings this is very disturbing for those who have misophonia oftentimes in my clinical practice now of over 23 years working with people that have misophonia these relationships are fractured or fragmented or disrupted or broken and all of these relationships changed significantly it was not a lot of effort put forth to learn about it my significant other is kind of the complete opposite of me where he makes noise all the time and so it was very difficult for him to understand and modify his behavior i personally haven't been in a relationship but if i were to be in a relationship um it kind of sounds it sounds kind of stupid but um i would need the boy to chew with his mouth closed i i physically cannot date anyone that chooses their mouth open the sole thing that i'd be focusing on is their mouth like opening and closing and the food falling out this and that i sound crazy saying that but i i physically cannot focus on mine so if i were to date you you need to treat your mouth closer it's been well recognized that misophonia has a tremendous negative impact on relationships with your parents your siblings your significant others your spouses your work companions your friends strangers this kind of a condition affects almost every form of human relationship some to greater degrees than others and it is very difficult for people to figure out how to deal with it looking out at a view or taking a walk it's so easy for a special romantic moment to be cut short by like someone chewing gum on the pier or someone coughing as they walk past you in the moonlight and it's so hard to stay focused on the romance when you're always afraid that one of your triggers is going to go off it was really hard to have something where everything was perfect it was never really a normal normal kind of relationship where you could just go on dates anywhere like to the movies or if we love to go out to eat but i will get triggered really easily if i can hear him slurping or crunching or things like that if you want to just sit and enjoy a lazy morning with your husband drinking coffee and not be bothered by it but then it's so consuming that you can't do that and i think maybe it's impacted our alone time together to that it's completely separate i think my socializing spoons run a little low after a while because of all of the noise that we're bombarded with in like a party or a club setting which is a shame because i love parties we're in the movie theater and i can hear people chewing their popcorn i will just walk out and i can't stand it i have to have my medication and i have to have my earplugs and it's less of a social setting and more of a survival setting when you're seeing a movie and i think that may kind of put a hindrance on our relationship as well we've adapted and we have a really really good relationship but it makes things a little more complicated so i spent i've spent a lot of time in 23 years thinking of things people with misophonia can do and i often encourage couples to do their homework what can they do together where they're not talking where they're not getting triggered they're not eating what kinds of activities can they schedule so they feel like they're doing stuff one of those is recreational dancing line dancing a zumba classes you can go and take a dancing class and have a great time without conversation another good activity that i found is bowling bowling alleys are incredibly loud you're busy moving and that's a really fun thing to do another thing is kayaking getting the boat in the water and paddling around anything where you're very active physically going to sporting events uh going to concerts just even if you take a walk to somewhere where there's a lot of noise and that's a an ideal situation for an activity where you're spending time together but you're not just in a quiet room talking [Music] it's hard to think of a perfect date without dreaming that i didn't have misophonia but if money were no object i think my perfect date with my fiance would be our favorite restaurant in brooklyn by the hudson river it's a really quiet restaurant and the food is phenomenal we'd have a lovely dinner and we'd walk along the pier in the moonlight money was not in the question i'd really like to go see the lakers play in los angeles arenas are always so loud no matter what you do that the noise just like drowns out everything like if we could just go to nashville for the weekend and just we were there last summer and listened to great music love going to places with music or louder distractions if i go to a restaurant and i if they're going to set us into a quiet spot i will have to say could we sit somewhere else i've been in my current relationship for 17 years um so i i can't even fathom dating at this point and it's very much a concern i'm a lover of the ocean and of mountains so probably a day where there was like scuba diving involved and i think part of feeling like you know in your own world and that just feels like such a safe meditative place for me same thing in nature like going out hiking like there's a spaciousness there that doesn't make you feel so trapped i prefer just something at home and maybe like watching a movie or something that way you're not directly looking at the person you're focusing on the movie but you can still turn and have those face-to-face conversations and then we'd go home and watch a movie online and we wouldn't drink any tea or any wine because that noise really annoys me end of perfect date misophonia has altered my life a lot i remember christmas time my entire family would be at my grandma's house and they're all loud snores like so loud and i would spend almost every night in the bathtub like this trying to just get away from it so i could fall asleep i was in school if there was somebody sniffing somebody coughing it would greatly alter my test taking abilities because i couldn't focus the best way i can describe it is kind of being auditorily assaulted all the time and that's really difficult to live in day by day and you start to to grow resentful especially when they don't make an effort to even understand your condition so when i would have someone to just vent to and explain my problems was really helpful i think misophonia kind of deepened the relationship more so than i guess a neurotypical relationship in a way even though it's like an imperfection i think we both loved each other a lot more it's altered our life by just having to be really sensitive to things that we do so if we're going to a party sometimes i will ask people to have music on before we get there especially if there's like eating sounds are really really hard for me or just certain quiet and so if overall we're still able to do most things it's just kind of learning how we function like bringing the ear plugs i mean always like we have so many earplugs everywhere mealtimes can be tricky sometimes i just i need to sit farther away or we'll play music so yeah i think it's just really changed our habits i think you know i feel lucky that my husband's pretty understanding and i can't imagine having a partner that would like be dismissive of it yeah i don't think it would work i can't imagine what it's gonna be like when i have a husband like what if i find the perfect guy that everything is perfect about him except that he chooses his mouth open what am i gonna do that screws with everything most of my life i've i've really thought it was just me and so i'm still navigating this whole thing being real [Music] there's a lot of guilt associated with feeling these feelings and being triggered by your partner i feel guilty a lot like oh i must have hurt their feelings by putting in earplugs or i must have hurt her feelings by telling her to leave plans would often change based on how days went you know because misophony is such a day-to-day thing one day you could wake up and you could be perfectly fine and then the next day you could just spend the entire time in your room curled up in a ball i feel bad that he like has to shut himself off in the in our back office to eat at night you know and i can't just be free to eat whatever he wants without having to think of how it's affecting me i do feel guilty to my husband and my daughter i just feel silly having to ask them to readjust normal things you know if they were in a different relationship they would just be able to open a bag of chips they would just be able to eat their chips the way that they wanted they wouldn't have to have music on all the time but you can't go down this guilt spiral when you have misophonia and you have a partner you have to realize that it's not your fault it is so important to know that it is not your fault that you're having these symptoms [Music] at this point this is the only relationship that i've been in that misophonia is really a factor and even known about i would say misophonia was the top in the top three to end the relationship there have been other relationships where i've been able to satisfy that need have friends who when we're together i can actually look at them or just say you know could you tone it down a little bit and they have no problem whatsoever doing it and then i also have cats so my cats bring a great deal of joy to me what helps me in dealing with my misophonia at home is using earplugs and then when i'm really easily triggered i also have um headphones that's like in a headband and that helps a whole lot headphones earplugs i started to put in earplugs even at night finding that i sleep so much better and i can fall asleep so much faster because i'm not annoyed by breathing i would say that my coping mechanism mechanism is probably just turning on the vent and like i said not making direct eye contact because when i do i zone in on those things that i don't like and um my mom always says that it makes me really really angry and i can't it's like something i can't control most helpful things in my relationship with my fiance earplugs just make everything better earplugs and noise cancelling headphones oh and our living room because even though we love each other and we miss each other all day it's important for my fiance and i to have a little bit of space to ourselves i only feel truly safe from my triggers when i'm alone and she understands this and i think it's kind of a little more alternating eating schedules or not eating as much at the same time doing other things together besides eating it's such a formative piece of how we operate together um it's out of necessity for survival concerning my partner he's really understanding of me for the most part he's able to listen one of my triggers that he does is he'll sit and bounce his leg a lot and it just makes this like irritating noise and so if i just put my hand on his leg he just stops or he'll move away to a point where i'm not able to see it or feel it or hear it communication is the key if you don't talk about it it's not going to be resolved and the resentment will build up just putting yourself out there and just telling other people that you have something going on you don't even have to describe it and i think in my brain i just had a lot of voices telling me oh don't do that they they'll hate you they won't understand they don't care but as soon as you just say something about it people will try to make your life better even if it's just a little thing i think that's been very useful for people with misophonia who want to have relationships is to have a calm discussion where you can say what shall i do when i'm bothered by something what are my choices and i want to discuss it with you so we're all on the same page so if i'm bothered can we decide it's okay negotiate here can i just stand up and walk away can i give a signal like this can i give a signal and then that means i need to leave can i have some secret signal maybe you know that i'm with a group that means i'm about to leave because that's a good technique to leave uh rather than getting to the point where you're looking at people or throwing things so and then agree later take a walk go do something fun ride your bike uh do something that you can do that's fun without those triggers i feel rage i try to just go walk outside and take a breath and also just try to be like wow that's really bothering me right now can you can you please go eat that outside or you know just trying to own it and name it when it happens and try to normalize that for my family too that they can do that as well take time to relax and then approach the problem later a couple hours later the next day and do it in a in a way that's not offensive and not accusatory communicate in a healthy way the main thing is to figure out how to communicate and keep the communication going although again it's perfectly fine and reasonable for you to take a break and say you know we've been talking now for a while i feel like i need a break can we come back at 4 30 find someone who is in the relationship with you who can be unoffended by that and say okay and the key to a healthy relationship is being able to communicate those things and being understanding so just let them know straight off the bat hey these are things that i can't handle and they should be able to work around that with you at the end of the day all she cares about is my peace of mind and that is just such a wonderful gift after being misunderstood for so many years by so many people who i love to have somebody that may not understand on a physical level but tries her hardest to understand me and make me comfortable is so special so if you have someone like that in your life who just wants you to feel safe and comfortable and tries their best to accommodate you even if they're not doing a perfect job that is very rare and should not be seen lightly just communicate with one another be understanding be open with one another it's only been probably in the most recent years that i've been able to bring it up feel more comfortable bringing it up with people that i knew i would be affected by like hey this is something that really bothers me and i'm feeling that right now then even that alone helps to like lessen the level of response that you have to it something i often hear about misophonia is a consideration thing they're being so rude we hear things that other people do not hear finding someone that you can communicate your hatreds with is a really good match just because they can they don't understand they can are willing to take the time to understand what you're going through and how hard it is on you and i feel like that is a really good characteristic to have a partner my advice for people in relationships is just to be honest and talk about it but unfortunately this thing doesn't go away you know there doesn't go away just having people who understand you and can love you no matter what just be clear about it talk about it up front so there's no mysteries and make sure that the other person understands that you're not really angry at them you're angry at this trigger sound that's so difficult for you so much of my experience with it growing up felt very isolated i feel so much rage like like that's not normal and what's wrong with me that i'm feeling this way and nobody else seems to be bothered by this stuff and just really honoring that it is a thing empathy is a big deal your condition does not define you however you do have to make considerations in your life for the person that you love if i am just kind about my requests versus just being demanding um seems to really soften the request my saving grace has been music whether it be piano music classical music rap r b something of the sort to tune out that person that's chewing really really loud it saves me so much from like bursting and screaming with rage um that saved my life invest in some really good earplugs that's what i've done maybe have some sort of like safe word if you're out in public and that way you don't have to tell your partner hey i'm really aggravated right now and i have to get away because that can sometimes be embarrassing if you're in a big group advice for a romantic relationship i'd say before you dive in make sure that if you have mr phony as serious as me um do a test see if like they chew really loud or if it's something that you can fix over time if it is something that you can fix it's malleable then go ahead fix it but if it's not if you struggle with it as much as me then i would say cut it off because it really screws with relationships and it's for me it's not something you can necessarily cope with especially if you're looking for a lifelong partner i don't see myself coping or something like that a big piece of advice i would give to somebody in a relationship who has misophonia is first and foremost look after yourself you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone else unless you're in a healthy relationship with yourself and you know your symptoms and you respect your boundaries there is a name to it now and more research being done um to help validate everybody that does experience it and also help more tools to explain it to other people who really um have a hard time understanding maybe because it's you know not their experience at all so i think having those things and sharing those tools helps everybody else just have more empathy and understanding around it as something that we really could be making accommodations for rather than judgments about i want to acknowledge that people with nasophonia often feel lonely they feel cut off from regular life and regular activities and i want to encourage people with misophonia to reach out and find relationships some of those relationships might be on the internet you might have one of the support groups that you're part of with a lot of other people that have misophonia where you can connect with other people that understand you that's a wonderful feeling to reach out and have those relationships because there are thousands and thousands of people with misophonia all over the world and there's thousands and actually millions of dollars going into research right now and that we are going to find solutions for this in the meantime try hard to create some circle of friends or support group where you are feeling connected to other people this might make your life a little bit better i don't need to feel ashamed about it or like something's wrong with me because i'm not the only one that struggles with it that makes me hopeful and i try to focus on that it's a good thing to be talking about and to share and be honest [Music] you

Channel: Misophonia Convention Videos

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Keywords: misophonia, misophonia treatment, do i have misophonia, misophonia sounds, what is misophonia, misophonia triggers, how to treat misophonia, misophonia cure, sound rage, sounds, selective sound sensitivity syndrome, hatred of sound, chewing, living with misophonia, how to deal with misophonia, triggers, slurping, is it real, coping, misophonia relationships, misophonia relationship, trigger sounds, chewing sounds, sensory processing disorder, annoying sound, noise sensitivity

Id: EBTnFTgK8Hc

Length: 29min 41sec (1781 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 11 2020