MINDSET EXPERT Explains How To Manifest The FUTUTE YOU WANT! | Peter Crone

the way that people currently live is they look for solutions and strategies for the most part two problems which is very logical right if I have a weight problem or if I have a relationship problem or a finance problem I want to find solutions to my problems and as far as I'm concerned that's a very archaic method of trying to find relief because what you're actually doing is reinforcing the belief that you have a problem so pizza well then coming back yes the podcast thank you take to the sequel take to see the sequel yes I'm not that many repeat guests actually I think only maybe only rich or also fast really who you are you may well be the second guest depending on when this comes out yes he's come back I take that as a great compliment thank you well you should do actually because the episode we did together yeah last one yeah it's probably one of my most shared episodes ever wonderful that was really interesting I'm very lucky a lot of people this is the podcast each week yeah but there are some episodes mm-hmm that really strike a chord with people and you see it being shared for weeks and months afterwards and your episode with me certainly is one of those okay wonderful that's why look at that I think well why is it that an episode like that yeah makes people want to share it and say things like I really understand my life now I understand why I make certain choices yeah yeah and I think for me that speaks to the power of the mind yeah which is what you're all about right absolutely understand but I'd love to hear your thoughts Pizza as someone who you know is a mind architects mm-hmm why do you think that episode has such impacts I think it's because you know I'm a Brit with decent teeth and people were confused all kidding aside I I mean I'd like to think it's just because I'm speaking to an aspect of every human being which is that we ultimately have a lot of things in common right on the surface as suffering as a broad statement like suffering is with emotions and relationships and health and finances people struggle the the human experience is challenging and so I think there's a degree of resonance that people can hear that I'm speaking to that I'm honoring that I'm showing compassion and acceptance for that while simultaneously giving them access to what I call this this different paradigm this world that's on the other side of us up subconscious constraints so the way that people currently live is they look for solutions and strategies for the most part two problems which is very logical right if I have a weight problem or if I have a relationship problem where I have a finance problem I want to find solutions to my problems and as far as I'm concerned that's a very archaic method of trying to find relief because what you're actually doing is reinforcing the belief that you have a problem so what I'm appealing to is what if there was a different way to access freedom that was actually more of a process of dissolution than solution which is one of my sort of catchphrase as I said and solve people's problems I dissolve them so so I would assert that's why what I had to share really resonated with people because we're all human we're all doing the best we can and yet there is this profound deep knowing that things could be a lot better and there is a different way to look at life and I like to give people new eyes to look at whatever they can't currently think their problems to be such that they find immense freedom from them so and who doesn't want that so yeah who doesn't want that and I think that that term freedom which is what you offer people there's something definitely redefine a little bit of the start of this yeah you know a lot of people will be listening thinking I mean you're sort of my freedom but I am free yeah exactly I'm free in my life so how can you offer me freedom yeah that's a great question and a lot of people do feel that and I don't want to take that away from them the sort of freedom I'm talking about is freedom from suffering freedom from the limitations constraints of our subconscious which again I'm going to assert everybody has it's just part of this dimension of planet Earth and being here as a human being we're gonna have our own perceived limitations and constraints so the freedom I speak of is more like a spiritual freedom it is awakening to the true essence of who we are beyond the facade of our sort of human persona so every problem anybody has as far as I'm concerned belongs to the idea of themselves so over time you know and we'll get into this I'm sure today through the conditions of our childhood and these caregivers from our mums and dads who aren't bad people they're doing the best they can but we're gonna be triggered into we're not enough and we did something wrong or we're bad and we're failures all of these things that we have to experience on our journey then what happens is what was for a child pure possibility of being alive sort of became increasingly less possibility and that then becomes resignation and cynicism and struggle and depression and then that leads to the the myriad of different methods we use to seek you know relief from depression or suffering and so freedom to me is freedom from that whole bucket of pain and misery Peter you see as clients some of the most successful people out there yeah you know we talked about your story last time we talked about how you used to Train Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman yeah how you you you help people with their mind you know top sports stars basketball players golfers business executives yeah it's really interesting you have a lot of high performers coming to see you yeah and you help them unlock things so you know they can be free they can actually live the life that they're meant to live yeah I I mean I'm winning it for a set for people I hope you don't fall into that category yeah are there things that you do with these high performers mm-hmm but they can also do in their own life that's gonna help them a hundred percent and look I may well work with high-end performers and different things you know from sports to business to entertainment but performance is a word that I would ascribe to any human being a stay-at-home parent mom or dad you know a kid going into his first year at secondary school or like everybody's performing at some level so performance is sort of just a big catch or for the fact that as a human being you're you're doing something and what I like to help people is to do it at a greater sense of efficiency and joy and productivity so whether you're in pitching for the New York Yankees with a lot of pressure because of you know not only the thousands of people watching in a stadium but the millions of fans and the millions of dollars at stake or you're somebody who's moving to a new town and you don't know many people when you're trying to find your way that that's still for me falls under the umbrella of performance so how do I help people well first of all recognize where do you get triggered right that's that that's the gift I use an expression it's one of my quotes I say life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free so if ever you get upset by something or someone that's the thing to look for that's almost like well there's the treasure that is the the pathway to discover some more freedom because if you're unable to sit with or be with a circumstance then what I my cert is life is showing you where there's a there's an opportunity for you to become a more powerful human being so if your mother-in-law or your uncle or your brother or your dad or whoever it is or your boss upsets you then what I would invite people to look at is what is the perceived threat right because if we look at it really in terms of physics somebody's doing something or somebody saying something but our brain is perceiving either of those activities as a threat if we get upset if we're not getting upset then we're basically we're saying that's fine they can do and have their opinion and they can take whatever choices in terms of actions they want but wherever we get triggered to some sort of emotion negative emotion that's what I would ask both my clients and your listeners to go okay I got upset by this event so what is it that is being triggered in me because all the fear is in me that is causing that reaction and that's that's the tool right is like wow if I'm upset by a circumstance then I have an opportunity to find more freedom and I think that would opportunity it's very out there isn't it because many firsts III absolutely did this in the past as well would look at situation where someone we we perceive someone to someone has upset me for example yeah and we often looked at them saying you know their behavior yeah it's upset me if they change their behavior yeah I wouldn't be upset right and that I think is what most people think now yeah when you when you go through this process yeah you know and I'm not had the pleasure of working with you but I've gone through my own process it's funny for me one of the one of the biggest shifts of my life over the past at least 12 months you know at least 12 months is this idea if anything triggers me in life yeah that's an opportunity yeah to self-examine yeah instead of shutting it away and pretending it's not happening yeah it's about leaning into it yeah I go hey what's this teaching me because you're right if you were completely at ease with the situation mm-hmm it wouldn't trigger you and the example I use for people and it's something I use of myself like social media can be a toxic place yeah there's many benefits off it but certainly some people get triggered a lot some people find other people offensive yeah you know or in the past you know I have some sort of public profile you know people will take shots at you from particular things and in the past it might have upset me whereas now I use it as a mirror yeah let's go hey why why you've been triggered by that comment yeah because I can't control what someone else is doing right right so it's like well what is going on inside me yeah and sometimes it can be easier to figure out than at other times right so how do you know if people want to use that so I think that phrase you say is permeance thank you if people want to use that I go okay look so if I'm being triggered at some point in my life yeah by my brother by my wife by my colleague by my boss whoever you know you can fill in the gap for whoever you want basically instead of looking to them it's about looking to yourself how does someone do that by first of all listening to something like this whether it's us or reading a book or another workshop or another podcast where they're at least starting become aware of the illusion because even in your own language you said well you know that person upset me yeah now that totally from a human perspective and we're all human doing the best we can so first all this compassion but secondly that is how it it seems right like no well why are you upset well so-and-so did something or so and so said something that's just everyday common conversation but it's an illusion because nobody upsets you somebody did something or said something and then that triggered the upset that was already in you right or if you said earlier about social media somebody found somebody's page or post offensive yeah well that again is revealing not so much what's going on over there in the post or the social media but rather what is it about my beliefs that are in conflict with somebody else's self-expression a pity some people are gonna be pushing away at this point they're gonna be hearing this and going what on earth are they talking about you I mean like that guy has been mean said therefore I am upset yes right so so when you can see through that when you move beyond that yeah and you understand and I say that with compassion right I'm not saying that it's like I'm not sitting on a high horse and saying you know it's just there is freedom on the other side when you figure that stuff out when you realize that it's a mirror back to you yeah for me I think that's where growth happens I think that's where my freedom lies that's where peace lies yes but what about someone I mean you need awareness first right I mean what if someone just doesn't get it what would you say to them well that's what I'm saying like through you know you sharing work and doing these podcasts with people and there's obviously nowadays millions of podcasts out there where people are talking on similar subjects if we start with awareness and be gentle with ourselves because what especially in my work what I'm doing is I'm taking these deep deep subconscious patterns which are primal meaning that they are deep in our DNA they're survival mechanisms then we're bringing what was subconscious to conscious so it's like oh wow I can see that I have a pattern I have a tendency I have a conditioned response to a particular external stimulus so I take myself for example because then I'm happy to be fun rule about my own my own arc of freedom so for me what was a trigger was anything that was a value that was potentially going to leave me right now that's a general term but it could be a girlfriend that I was in love with or that I was very close to the fear was okay now there's something external that I'm putting all of this value on what if it leaves now that could also be someone's job it could be somebody's financial wealth it could be their the status in a company it could be their home like anything that we put any sort of sense of worth upon it's a human tendency to be worried about losing that right now the stock markets are crashing everywhere because of the fear of the virus and so many people are going to be in a state of fear and reaction because they're losing something so that would be the opportunity okay what is the threat or their perception is that there is something yes and some people may literally be losing something right but loss is a again that's a deeper distinction right form comes and goes is the way I talk about it I I could say I've lost a lot of money on the stock market I have relative to my portfolio but it was always in my portfolio so did I really have it it's like so again that's an example where many years ago I would have been in a mild state of panic or concern which would have been normal its human it's okay but now it is like okay it could be mildly frustrating it's not what I want but it's a different relationship to the same external stimulus so so it's to answer your question we got to bring awareness to what is the subconscious pattern that I have based on my primary caregivers of mom and dad or high school or you know kindergarten or wherever we learnt these survival mechanisms so that now I can find responsibility because that's really what we're talking about here is either I'm a victim of life where like you said somebody upset me well now you're a victim of your circumstance or I'm a hundred percent responsible for my my relationship to life because as Shakespeare said you know nothing is either good nor bad only thinking makes it so now if you really understand that it's beautiful right so nothing actually is quote unquote good or bad it is entirely our own interpretation that is superimposed our own narrative that we're we are positioning on top of an event or a person and so that becomes the world of I and at the most deepest level the ego or the identity or the persona its main objective is to be right about itself that's for me I I joke and I laugh with compassion again because people are doing the best they can but when you really get it people are arguing for their limitations they're they're saying no watch me screw this up or it was too good to be true like when these sort of generalized comments are thrown out there what you're actually saying is I'm reinforcing my own belief that things don't work out for me yeah so that with its math that we argue for inadequacy we argue for insecurity we argue for scarcity and that's me is you know it's very human but it's also such a disservice to the immense possibility that it is to be human once you break out of these very primal limitations it can sometimes be easier to see these patterns in other people without a doubt we can it slightly obvious but it's somebody else but when it's you it's like yeah and I mean you shared some of your own mm-hmm sort of journey there and like the people who heard the first podcast yeah you shared how you lost your mum when you were seven years old correct yeah you lost your father in the Superga ferry disaster at 17 and he was 17 that is a rough start in life yeah you know yeah certainly most people would say that is a super rough start yeah okay and then if you're saying that there is a feeling of people who I love yeah whether it's parents were you mention a girlfriend leaving yeah is that your subconscious programming that is affecting your conscious thoughts like is that yeah you've had to work on a hundred percent and is it surf that you've had to or you managed to work on yourself or because it's hard to see ourselves have you as mr. Peter Chrome the mind I said needed to get help in order to do that both I and I think the greatest form of help is life yeah right which goes back to my comment about like life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free so where was I not free around the fear of loss but where was the fear of loss within me right so if we look back at when this one girlfriend was you know sort of a catalyst for my own quote unquote awakening where I started all of my work this is now like 20-something years ago where I first had what you know we would as humans call the experience of love you know and there's puppy love and we have all these different connotations of love but for me there was a significant connection with somebody and so at the time it seems devastating doesn't it's like oh no like my whole world is falling apart so that was the catalyst that was what revealed so that was the help that I got was this this particular girl leaving but it wasn't it wasn't that the love was over there it was that life set me up for success right because if she hadn't left I wouldn't have to look at what is the deep-seated fear within me and that's what I assert we're all here this dimension of planet Earth it is it is an incredible paradigm for us all to have to face the constraints that we arrived with right and this starts to sound a bit esoteric but for me I would assert we arrive with all of our bucket of fears and concerns and then life for you you're your own personal movie of life we'll have all the cast of characters and circumstances that you need to have to face your fears and limitations now if you play that game actually when you get triggered and upset it's going back to what we said earlier it's a wonderful opportunity but most people don't look at it that way they look at fear and adversity as a pain in the rear and I'm gonna do everything to avoid it which is why people don't actually go anywhere right so here's a story I think stories are so powerful and I've got so many courtesy of these beautiful clients that I've had but there's this one gentleman he was from a very traditional Catholic family he had a significant other they weren't married so that was the first taboo you know within the Catholic family and tradition then it got even worse they'd had a child out of wedlock they're not married and this was prior to Thanksgiving many years ago and his dilemma was that he knew the relationship was coming to an end with this with this woman it was very it was it was very problematic it was she was very mercurial and whatever there's a lot of drama so he came to me one day and he's like look I'm going to go to Thanksgiving and I don't know what to do if I go with her and the child everyone will assume that everything you know business is as usual but if I don't go with her then everyone's going to question what's going on so what do I do now that's a very human binary way of looking at any problem zero one zero one zero one and I said it doesn't really matter what you do because until you address what is the real root cause here which is your fear in the fact that you don't feel fully loved and accepted by your family so you don't actually have an honest transparent open relationship with your family so whether you take her or you don't take her you still have to and you will be presented with the challenge of actually being so vulnerable with your family about your concerns about how they think about you so that was the bit and he said Wow like he he got that he actually as much as he loved his family and they truly loved him but they didn't have a true intimate relationship because they weren't being fully honest with each other and this is why you know you and I have talked about relationships and why relationships don't work is because most people aren't fully authentic or open and so that that's one example of where his opportunity was to look at not was the solution to his fear which would have kept him in the fear but rather what is the fear and how can I break beyond that it's a bit like symptom suppression or getting to the root cause whether he went or not fine it may have stopped a mini-drama potentially yes but the mini-dramas would keep coming like they're not going anywhere because actually the root cause of that is it's not being addressed yeah and that's why again as I said it doesn't really matter what we do in terms of strategy or solution or the way that we try to mitigate or avoid perceived future problems unless you deal with the deep feeling of limitation inadequacy insecurity scarcity then it's still with you right like I always say if you notice wherever you have problems in life you're there oh is a tongue-in-cheek say you know you know problem right it's there's no problems in life there just aren't and that's a very bold statement and a hard one for people to swallow and I'm not for one minute saying that life is ideal or that I condone certain behaviors but there's not a problem there's just what's happening and then there the circumstance of it and sometimes the circumstances are very unpleasant and very painful but the problems are all in our perception or how we relate to life so really if we were to talk about relationships to me life is relationship we relationship is often understood as it's like a person and a person right now female male male female female whatever it is whether it's romantic or family or professional but to me relationship is our experience to life we've relate to life however we relate to anything is what Garner's our own personal experience of life and if people could just get that then they have an entirely different way of looking at life how am i relating to life versus what is happening out there somewhere separate to me that apparently is causing my experience of life that's the victim model that's the the survival model I have to do something in order to be loved and accepted and now people are exhausted you know their adrenals are shot they're finding all sorts of means of escape whether it be food sex drugs whatever it is alcohol versus guy I'll hang on a minute what if there is absolutely nothing out there that is causing my suffering other than my own superimposed perspective of circumstance now where that gets tricky is that superimposition is for the most part subconscious yeah so that's why we got to bring awareness to why am I feeling nervous about a public appearance or like doing a presentation at work they think it's all because everybody's gonna laugh at me or whatever it is no that's something within you maybe when you were five or seven you did a show-and-tell at school and people laughed and that little bit of trauma is now still in you as a 45 year old executive and it's still the same way that you're relating to speaking to a group or the fact that your parents gave your older sibling a little bit more attention and bigger toys made you feel that oh I'm not as loved as my older brother or sister and so now you tend to attract a spouse or a partner or a boyfriend or girlfriend who doesn't seem to give you the kind of attention that you'd like well because you're still living in that's the way that you relate to yourself I'm not the one that gets all the attention that goes to fill in the blank right so that's the patterns that we want to keep revealing and then we want to inquire into them we want to ask is it true is it true that I'm not lovable or is it true that I'm not enough somehow is it true that I'm a failure and if we put question marks at the end of our own concerns it's amazing how it will it will just open up a little bit of space for people because my assertion is it's never a truth that just an opinion I mean I've heard you say before I think that conscious thinking mm-hmm as a result of subconscious programming correct yeah feeling - that's where it gets really tricky and feeling so the way that we think and feel because feelings are that much more they've got density because now they become associated with our body but yeah the conscious the subconscious pattern or the it's literally like a construct is imagine like a particular framework and then the thoughts feelings and actions live within that so like this room is I don't know 200 square feet right that's the size of the room that could represent the subconscious now in this room for that reason we're gonna have certain conversations that are available to us this is great to do a podcast we could maybe have like a little dinner party in here but we're not having thoughts about all let's throw some fantastic you know rock band event here or the Olympics yeah that doesn't happen in this space cuz the space doesn't call for it so if in my mind the space I'm living in is I'm not enough then the dreams and aspirations of that I really have in my heart and soul they don't become conscious thoughts because they're not available in a confined space does that make sense yes yeah yeah and that's why I love what I do because I crack open these perceived their perceived limitations and then people literally have an entirely new experience of who they are and what the world is and what becomes available it is truly the world of pure possibility no I love it and I would you know like you I I want everyone to experience it Sam right let's go yeah because it is it is like living your best life being able to do the things that you've dreamt soar but you often put up obstacles to actually yeah you know to actually living out those dreams and I think that story about you know let's say someone at 45 is nervous to public speak scatter what people are gonna think and then you know relate that back to a show and tell when they were five or seven when they got laughed at yeah yeah and it is I think there's two there's two parts of that for me there's one is there's some imprinting that I guess often happens in childhood that serves a purpose in childhood but no longer serves us as adults yeah but also this idea that it's ultimately conscious or unconscious it's a story isn't it it's a story that we tell ourselves yeah we were Peter enough times we feel it enough that becomes our reality but ultimately we have created that story yeah so is the tool for people sometimes because I think if you don't talk about this stuff if you stay inside your own head all the time you can create these stories in these stories become bigger and bigger inside your mind that's why I think even simple things like journaling can be so beneficial for people because you've white stuff down and suddenly you see it written on paper yeah yeah you know I'm a bit harsh on myself here or I don't know a therapist or a counselor when there's a third person there yes suddenly that kind of emotional narrative that story you tell yourself it can be you can sort of convince yourself that that's the truth but in front of someone else yeah something you're like actually God I'm being a bit harsh on myself I don't know it's that is part of the problem that we don't talk about this stuff with third parties who have no emotional attachment to us like yeah we're going to come on to relationships for sure yeah but often we can create these narratives within our relationships let's say with a husband with a wife or the boy from the girlfriends yeah you know things confess that out of control very quickly because two people have got their own narratives that they're strongly holding on see yeah and I think this is why couples therapy or thing can't be so beneficial sometimes just to have a third person there who's not related yeah you can suddenly go actually you know what I'm talking about a nonsense aren't I really and it's only a parent yeah when there's somebody else in the room yeah yeah I don't know I think and I mean as the majority of your audience is probably you know from from England I think as as domicile Brits you know we were brought up in a sort of relatively reserved way right like having come here to the States there's a lot more self-expression you know there's less less conservativism in terms of the way that people just dress and talk and believe it's a good thing I I tell you why I ask that I would have thought as a kid up in the UK yeah you know we have a set of perception of Americans yeah they sort of you know this is arsons it's like very very immersive yeah right and I think as Brits you know thought you know Britain a lot of Brits find that brash and distasteful yeah right yeah but I have changed my view on that over the last maybe the last five years in the sense that I kind of feel you know what at least they're expressing the way they're feeling they're not holding back they're not keeping it in that they're expressing it but they're not afraid this is my perception yeah to you know sell themselves to talk about their qualities and things that we as Brits found you know distasteful and not the way you do things yeah actual maybe we're the ones who have actually got the issue where we won't express our emotions where we'll keep them locked inside we won't say things that we're proud of general I mean you have that unique perspective you grew up in the UK you now live out here in California yeah you know what's your take on that is there something cultural in that and it's the American Way potentially more helpful I think it's you know cultures are sort of the on mass expression of the individual right the collective expresses like you look at Australia the same my tall poppy syndrome so that gets indoctrinated into kids as we go up like well don't show off too much because then people want to cut you down Germany schadenfreude er right as the expression of like getting joy out of someone else's failure it's so regardless of which country or territory you go to I think it's sort of it's human conditioning why because we're programmed to as I said come from scarcity inadequacy and insecurity so there's a certain joy or comfort in the the limitations that we see in others why because it's a reflection of our own and so I think that's the biggest obstacle that we have to overcome and I do think to to some degree the states you know there is a degree of it is being brash I said it's like the cocky teenager you know where you look at Europe it's like the wise grandfather you know and that's just sort of speaking to how long these civilizations have been there right like Europe is quote-unquote much older so if we were to look at a collective it it's like a wise grandpa you know whereas America is a young country and is like full of testosterone like we're number one right so I think there's a degree of like as massive generalizations I think that's just because of the the relative ages of different countries but I do think I think over here in the States one thing that I will you know tip my cap to is that people are much more the the less reticent to talk about their feelings they're much more conditioned to have a therapist is very normal you know and I think that can also become problematic because you know kids who are in five and six and seven years old and now in therapy and I'm like well maybe that would be better served to be a conversation with the parents but the parents are too busy living the American dream so yeah I mean we can cut this down any way you want where what what I think is the most important thing to take out of this is to not be embarrassed by what you feel and to find a safe place whether it's professional whether it's you know a loving family mother whether it's a really great friend I think one of the attributes that I do love about myself and I have syrtis one of my biggest pillars in my work is the ability to listen and I think most humans don't know how to listen they just react so one example I was just doing a workshop is a few months ago now in Hawaii and I was speaking to many of these things and there was 90 plus percent women who are on this retreat beautiful retreat and this woman wouldn't pose the question said well how do I help my son because he's always belittling himself relative to his older brother and she gave the example of like oh I'll never be as good as Johnny is what what he said and because she's a loving mother her reaction was oh honey no you're this and you're that and she started giving him all these accolades which to the lay mind is like well that's wonderful she cares about her son and it's a subtle distinction movie was very important and it changed her whole relationship with her son I said you're not listening to your son you're superimposing your world on top of his and he doesn't feel heard now I don't want him to stay and hang out in the feeling of inadequacy relative to his brother that's not what I'm condoning but I'm saying he's not which is why he also feels somehow less than right do you understand so he said I don't feel as though I'll never be as good as Johnny now what that's what he's saying now somebody who can listen would feel into gosh what must that feel like for that kid and then we can start to have compassion and hold a space for his reality because his reality at that moment is feeling inadequate needing to be seen needing to be held not to be pumped up like no you're this and you're that right which which we've all done to friends like I don't know you're amazing and but sometimes what people want is just to be heard I feel lousy I don't feel very good about myself I don't know what I'm doing with myself like these are legitimate everyday human experiences and I think one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is just to let somebody feel those things we don't necessarily let them have their reality because oftentimes it's if we to think about it physically it's almost like an emotional toxin that we're trying to release and as soon as we say no you're amazing we're actually suppressing the expression of something that is currently discomforting in us so for that woman she literally had a tear in her eye and she was like wow I just I do that all the time now it was by no means a judgment of her cuz she's coming from a loving place she adores her son yeah but she said it's so true because he often says you don't listen to me and she never made that connection so again it's subtle we don't want him to feel inadequate but we want to honor his reality because then he will literally feel seen and heard which gives him a sense of value because we're saying we love you enough to actually honor your reality then we can get into well why do you feel that way what happened you know was it because of Johnny's performance or something oily because he got better gray I don't know but now we get into their world which is the gift of real relationship is really understand someone else's reality versus forcing your own perception of them on top of this piece of that is I think such a powerful story because there will be many parents listening to this yeah who I think will just take a beat there ago wait a minute let me just rewind yes that because I do that to my children and what's interesting for people I think is that it's from a place of love yes of course yeah people are trying to protect their child's yeah but I think a lot of people be thinking you know I do that's my child and I think it's it's it is subtle but it's very key it's very very key and it's something I think vid and I my wife we have changed a lot with our kids over the past years as we've understood this more and more it's like hold on a minute don't just reflex wise just say no no that's not the case it's all of them you're saying oh it's a two-step process wonderful step number one is yeah let them have that and make sure they feel hurt that's fundamentally what every human wants isn't it to feel heard and seen yes that is I mean we get that right actually we change a lot in the world straightaway and like and that's why I love relationships and why I said everything is about relating because I think you know your wife and women are they definitely have an upper hand on man because they do that for each other you know and certainly you know you know sometimes women can obviously be a little bit competitive with each other but when their loving friends they listen to one another and their feelings because they can relate from the fact oh I feel that a lot myself you know whatever's inspiring it but women are much more adept at expressing feelings and listening to one another males because we're sort of very binary we're sort of very logical we want to fix things we don't necessarily understand that all they're doing is expressing meaning they've women partners sisters mums girlfriends wives they're just sharing how they feel and what they're asking for is just get my reality cuz right now I feel lousy I feel unattractive I feel like you know I'm a loser or and they just want to feel it's okay and why this is paramount as far as I'm concerned just my opinion to establish that pattern of relating with children is because what happens is with this one woman's example that I gave what that little boy is learning is that his feelings don't unimportant what's important is that we keep focusing on the positive or that you're only going to be loved when you're not feeling inadequate so we're not actually making room for our humanity and that that's my work is is allowing all of our flaws our beliefs of inadequacy and insecurity to be there not necessarily to deny them or suppress them or drink them away but go it's okay to have a day where you feel like [ __ ] it's okay and and when you really give yourself that permission it opens up your bandwidth to love which is all-embracing because otherwise we collapse love with no I love you as long as you behave the way I want you to yeah I mean if you really get that like what is that good to do a love that is complete preference that is all about me that's not about you that's conditional love yes it's a conditional love in some ways isn't it it's like behaving the way that I like and I will love you for that reason I would actually say it's got nothing to do with love which is a deeper interpretation of love see when people talk about unconditional love I say that's complete paradox because it's it's love or it's not it doesn't need to be at it like love is all-embracing and if people just get that like because they will say oh I love so-and-so but if they really were to look at themselves in the mirror I don't deny that at some level they do but in the way that they behave the way that they speak to that person the way to react to that person isn't a reflection of love it's a reflection of control manipulation demand and dismissiveness it's that's not these aren't the qualities of love love is I accept you 100% for who you are with all of your emotions all your self expressions you still have your own preferences in that like if somebody does behave in a way obviously that is in any way hurtful towards you that may be a relationship you want to reconsider but I accept you for who you are like always use the example if I can love a heroine addict for who they are and have a lot of love and compassion for where they're at in their life it doesn't mean that it's somebody that I want to date or invite over for Christmas to my house right so I still have my own personal preference within that but there's no judgment if people could understand the the disservice that it is to make another human being wrong in any capacity that that alone opens up an entirely new world for people of compassion love acceptance and for our selves of relief because I don't need other people to be a certain way for me to be okay and that's what people are saying you need to do this you need to behave that way don't do this you should do that like it's exhausting and it's exhausting if I think that my my joy my happiness my relief and my sense of contentment is completely predicated on how other people behave excuse my french but you're [ __ ] from the get-go right because you're saying that I need to control the myriad of moving parts that is my family my company my my friends and my society in order for me to find any glimmer of peace that is that is a hopeless proposition it is exhausting it's futile and what I'm inviting people to consider as you can allow everything and everybody to be exactly the way they are and still be completely at peace and I desert that's the only form of real peace there it is to allow life to be the way it is one of the phrases I think that has influenced my life significantly is I think I heard you say this on a conversation I can't quite remember exactly where it's wrong but this whole idea that once you understand that if you were that other person yeah you would be behaving in exactly the same way that was me withdrew on broken brain how we met exactly yeah and that has been a life changing phrase because yeah what it does is it takes it it takes pressure out the situation it takes sting out situation it's it brings in the love it brings in compassion it brings in understanding yes and you can apply that to anything in life right you can apply it the we much of social media before you can apply it to friction at work yeah once you understand if you were that person you would be behaving exactly the same way if you were born where they were born you had the conditioning they had as a child you had the upbringing vais hats yeah you had the life experiences they had you'd be behaving exactly the same way and I guess yeah you know it's really interesting for me that because people say no I would some people say no no but if I was in that seat I wouldn't behave either I would make this choice right right but what's Whitney interesting is that since our chat went out I had a chat with someone called John McAvoy and it went out in New Year's Day John's got one of the most incredible stories you'll ever hear John was part of he was a criminal right yeah it's oh yeah yeah he was one of the UK's most notorious criminal fan yeah he had two life sentences by the age of 24 I think he was you know I think he had his first gun when he was 16 he was in the high-security prison in the UK where the 7/7 bombers and yeah he was like literally you know is what society would have regarded as scum let's lock him up yeah exactly okay now but when you hear his story yeah and you hear him explain his childhood you hear him explain how he had no male role models yeah and the only male role models he had were criminals gang members who drove you know flash cars and treated women with respect you and he tells a story beautifully there's such authenticity but there's that there's a beautiful end to that you know he's come out jail he's now inspiring kids through movement through exercise there's a really nice end story so we celebrate John we celebrate what he does what he will say I am nothing special at all every single prisoner in this country has the opportunity to do the same as I did I got lucky Yeah right yeah we if we provide the right environment yeah and the way I guess I would say level of compassion and understanding every prisoners got the opportunity to change like that yeah but I guess what I'm trying to get is that phrase why it's so powerful is that we get it with like a John McAvoy yeah who's gone from the depths to you know coming out of prison being a free man yeah can we apply that to our boss who is pissing us off mm-hmm can we apply that to the person who just cut us up on the road on the way to work and we're infuriated at you know do you know what I mean it's like can't we how we apply that to those everyday things because if we can yeah it changes everything that's the world of peace and I think the ultimate person for whom we want to ask can we apply that to as ourselves because self forgiveness is probably the greatest barrier to peace right it's we this is a huge conversation for people already right to consider Wow what would my relationship look like if I stopped making my husband wrong or I stop making my wife wrong or I stop making my parents wrong that would open up an entirely different level of intimacy and peace for myself that is huge but what if I could stop making myself wrong so in your example that you know the boss that pisses me off first of all the boss isn't pissing you off he's doing or saying something or she's doing or saying something but what if I could forgive myself for the reaction that I have of fear or whatever it is that's creating my upset that is that's an entirely different level of love and compassion you know story of John reminds me of one I just want to share because if I was personally involved in this story and it speaks to this which is I was on my way to a date this as many years ago down in Long Beach which is about 25 minutes 30 minutes from here to me no traffic and it was during Superboy it was probably six seven years ago anyway I miss my exit because I'm one of the things I pride myself on as being someone I want to sell word so I don't like to be late and if I am I'll always communicate right so and in this case I was running a little late I had communicated but I you know once it's one of my worth and especially as as a respectful man to a woman like I didn't want to leave her waiting wherever she was so what a reason I missed my exit I have to go down and turn around come back up on the freeway or the highway and get away ill the most way m25 haven't been on that for a while so I'm you know I'm I'm pushing a little bit I'm doing about 85 and all of a sudden out of nowhere I get nudged in the back of my car like bumper car style like I'm driving above the limit please don't judge me for that because I'm doing that with him my condition and yeah I'm like what the hell was that like so he must be doing 1995 in order to ram the back of my car as I look in the rearview mirror I see this car sort of swerved a little bit after he's hit me and then take off now I was driving as you know a car with a decent amount of horsepower so I kept with him I wasn't even angry the funny thing about was more curious like what the hell was that so he came to the next exit and it there was a single lane exit and he was trying to get past there was a car and I distinctly remember that was been raining a little bit there was a pothole and his wheel went down as this big splash and he couldn't get past the car so there's we come down to the surface street he knows that I'm right on his tail at this point and he pulls in fortunately he doesn't take off he pulls into a parking lot of some sort of restaurant and I pull him right behind him now I'm not advising people do this this was just purely based on instinct cuz it's LA and I didn't know who was gonna get out of their car and if he's packing heat it might be so I made sure I got out of the car first so that he could hear my voice as he opened his door I said hey everything's okay my name's Peter right so sort of make some sort of connection he gets out of the car he walks up towards me and I say hey are you okay he's a yeah and I said you obviously can't hit be falling back to my husband now and then take off I said as long as okay let's just check the back of my car and then we'll have to trade insurance but no but sorry before that I could tell that he'd been drinking that was my assumption based on someone doing that what I assumed happened is he maybe fell asleep at the wheel and that's why he went into the back of me so he'd come back from Vegas he'd been celebrating something to do the Super Bowl and so I said have you been drinking he's like yes I said thank you for being honest so I'm honoring his vulnerability I said I'm not gonna let you get back in the car is there someone we can call to come and pick you up he said yeah I can call my wife I'm like okay great I said whilst we wait let's just check my car and then we can trade details we checked my car's next nothing on unfortunately and then I said okay this is my insurance where's your insurance he pulls his wallet out he's trying to find papers he's a bit discombobulated he pulls something out there and a ring comes out and falls on the ground he picks it up I said is that your wedding band and he said yes and you know and then I could tell just energetically like he's starting to feel a little sad and I said is everything okay says well we're just going through a tough time right now and I said that's okay and I said but she's coming here to get you she said yes and he said you know we might be getting divorced and anyway so we sent chat for a minute long point of the story is that would have been somebody who many people and again not judgment of them either would have been like put that guy away he's he's a hazard to society he's drinking and driving at 95 miles an hour and what I heard was somebody who was just in a lot of pain had found some relief to just get away and find some sort of companionship with friends and drink in Vegas he was rushing back because he had to get to work in the morning as a job he wasn't that happy with it wasn't paying him a lot and so you know with love and compassion I held a space for him he got home safe he called me in the next morning and I don't need to reiterate what he said but it was very flattering and complimentary and then we met for a coffee at a Whole Foods like a week later and I sat with him and helped him get through the fact that he was at the time drinking about 70 units of alcohol week and you know his life as I said was on the verge of was with his wife as was on the verge of divorce and we turned that around just because you call it Good Samaritan or whatever it is or that I'm fortunate enough to have the wherewithal to be able to help people that he he quit drinking he got promoted at work he and his wife got back together they bought a house you know and for years this is a long time ago we stayed in touch and that was somebody who was given a glimpse of a different life than the one that was otherwise predictable you know and that is only because not to make me sound like some you know Good Samaritan out on the streets at all but what is possible when we can have a little bit more compassion for people not fully know what they're going through until we actually enquire and we we care enough to listen and let somebody tell their story and and accept them for it and as best as we can give them support now of course there are situations where things are very very trying and very painful for humans and what they go through we don't need to like speak to events but people go through very hard times and sometimes there are circumstances for those behaviors one of my clients was you know sexually abused when she was eight and you know these things do happen and that's not like oh let's have love and compassion for so the person who was doing that to her then that might be necessary but in a controlled environment right so I'm from it for everyday folk where we have judgment and we have criticism and we have hostility towards people there is an opportunity to turn that around and go okay wait a minute if I could just have a little bit more patience and understanding that was at one point somebody's baby and that baby did not know hostility and vicious behavior it was conditioned into them through whatever they had to go through to survive and yes it's a it's it really is a it's a very engaging story that and then it's I mean you mentioned at the end I was thinking as you were saying that you know the heart of your approach is compassion that's at the heart of it that is how you can actually summarize everything would say it's about compassion I'm passionate about around you capacity people you come across but also compassion to yourself yeah and it's not one of the biggest obstacles to this for people mm-hmm the fast pace of 21st century living and why I say that is because if you're always rushing around if you're always in a chronic state of overwhelm no you know I've got too many things still I can't do this can't do that so you know you're rushing all the time you know you never think you've got any time for yourself yeah it's very hard ban to take time to be compassionate for other people if you haven't got time to even be compassionate for yourself and yeah you know one of my big recognized people is that again it doesn't it's it's it's I think it's a necessary part of self-care on a daily basis you need some alone time you need some time to yourself where you can just sit with yourself you can not be necessarily sit with yourself and hide on Instagram yeah but sit with yourself so these feelings yeah come up to the surface you can think about them you can talk about you can write them down something and if you don't have that I think it's very hard to move to the next stage I mean what would you say to that no I think it's great I mean that the comment that's coming or the the expression that's coming to mind is slow down and that's easier said than done but again I make the point that everyone's in a hurry to get to a future where one day they don't have to be in a hurry you know if you just look at that right people are working in jobs they don't enjoy you know to hopefully have sufficient money one day so that they can relax and have fun but you know to what degree could we incorporate some of that now and actually take a breath like quite literally yeah just stop and breathe for a minute because it is so conditioned within us to survive so your points about the hurry the urgency this competitive nature of society it's it's a survival paradigm and to me real success is where I can be a piece in the midst of chaos and that's got nothing to do with my bank account it's got nothing to do with you know whoever's on my arm as a beautiful man or a beautiful woman or the title on my business card it's can I be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what's going on around me and that to me as a human being who's found the true definition of success because I'm blessed to work with people who have more money than time and they would traditionally be seen as the most successful because of their net worth yet if you were to understand the inner mechanics of their feelings and their thoughts and their relationships you would see somebody who's quite broken and who's very upset and is on all sorts of medication and doesn't know how to feel compassion for their partner and certainly doesn't feel loved by anybody so is that really success or is that just somebody who's got a lot of cash so I think it's the opportunity to redefine what does it mean to be a successful human being and this is why I talk about this work because it's not this linear track of one day future scenarios of when I had a fill-in-the-blank enough money the best body the right partner the bigger home the best job that blah blah blah that that is this perpetual waiting game which is saying that my happiness my freedom and my peace are parentally ahead of me but if you just understand that then you have to be you have to be at some states in a milder and a mild state of disease or frustration or lack of contentment because the way your brain is conditioning your relationship to life is that what I want is in the future so that speaks to my lack of contentment today and what I'm inviting people to consider is that you're always where you are you're never in your future I'm not saying don't have goals and aspirations I have many but I have an intimate relationship with life and the way it is right now and I'm fully content with the way things are while still being committed to things that I'm excited to create but you know having been involved with many athletes I think one of the things that hits so many people hard and it certainly did me as the Kobe Bryant death and like here's somebody who is literally so full of life and his legacy is beyond in terms of what he's accomplished from the the just within his sport but then like he'd become an me Award winner because of his storytelling and his books and obviously who he was as a father and here's somebody who we could argue is at the prime of their own life and then just like my dad like he went to work one day and he never came back right because of the burger disaster and so likewise here for his family and all the families were involved on that helicopter it's it seems maybe trite to say but we just don't know how long we've got so rather than hoping and wishing for this aspirational future where we think we're going to be happy what about if you could just consider the possibility of being happy today and even the the Declaration of Independence over here talks about the pursuit of happiness you know and I think I even said it on your podcast it's become very viral one of my quotes I say true happiness like true happiness is the absence of the search for happiness and that gives an entirely different relationship to time that I'm here right now with you in this conversation and there's nothing quote-unquote wrong in my life I'm not worried about where do I have to be next or what am I going to or what are people going to think about what I'm saying then I wouldn't be in the moment with you I'm here in my own mind and I feel that is something that people lack if they could just slow down enough to go wait a minute is my life truly in danger or is that just my perception is it really a life-threatening situation or is it just the way it feels and could I just for a minute sit quietly take a few deep breaths listen to the person I'm with who in Bertie's gonna be loved one of some form and actually not feel the need to react or control or manipulate or get somewhere that that's that's real relief for people some of the themes that just come up I wonder if we could apply to something specific like obesity okay sure and what I mean by that is you know often we think you know we're gonna be happy when we've got that body you know when I or when I've lost this amount of weight yeah you know things are gonna be great I'm gonna go out to fit into this club you know pair of clothes I'm gonna have to do this yeah and you know obesity is so widespread these days both in the UK and certainly here in America for sure and you know we're not really making inroads into a BCC yeah and I think there's many reasons for that I've been trying to create my own framework for B seriously I'm sort of playing around with a few ideas based upon my experience and what I see and so there's a couple of things I just want to touch on with you based upon your work that I think might be useful so a lot of people who are trying to lose weight a lot of my patients have said to me you know when this happens I'll be able to do a B and C so this is this whole idea that I can't be happy now yes I will be happy at the in the future when I've lost the weight without realizing that this unhappiness with the way things currently are is gonna make it much harder for them to actually get to that destination in the first place so when I really touch on that with you yeah I want to touch on with respect to weight loss I want to touch on even the whole idea of language I mean we we discussed this last time about language and the concepts of maybe depression yeah but I think you know with obesity it's also very important you know if you think or you say I am fat or I am obese yes that is defining yourself by a certain label I think I want to expand on that with you yeah and the third stream I think around weight loss and obesity and then we start bringing this up is because I think it's such a common problem yeah it's so let me let me rephrase that it's a common issue that people are seeking help with they are a lot of people would like to lose what they consider to be their excess weight yeah okay and I just think the the meccans we've got for that that the the processes for that are unsatisfactory so that third component was and this is a question actually that what I told my audience I was interviewing you again a lot of people came up with questions of a really X I said so many questions but one of them was about emotional eating yeah and those three they're quite separate but they will come under the umbrella of mmm-hmm certainly obesity yeah I guess you would widen that out even further because they're the same principles that applies to anything but yeah I wonder how you could dissect some of that no I think it's a beautiful question and it's certainly an epidemic worldwide right not just here and then the UK so I use the expression emotional obesity as a precursor to physiological chuckle obesity now what does that speak to similar to what I was saying about the mother who wasn't listening to her son there's something unexpressed if something's unexpressed then it is accumulating so if we look at that energy in Ayurveda which is part of my work and four people aren't familiar it's sort of an Indian healing methodology which is akin to Chinese medicine it looks at elements and it's in in Ayurvedic terms it's part of the Vedas which is associated with yoga just to give a context so there's something called some property which is a word that speaks to the six stages of disease and it's a beautiful system as far as I'm concerned and it certainly transformed my life the first stage of disease is accumulation where we accumulate now within the context of Ayurveda it's really looking at the physiology so when we accumulate too much air elements or fire elements or earth and water elements there's going to be an imbalance so that's the second stage as now becomes aggravating so let's take one example if somebody has too much heat they have spicy food alcohol stressful situations there's too much heat in the system it's accumulating the aggravation will be now they start to get sour belching acid reflux heartburn and then it will start to spread as the third stage now we don't need to go through the whole system but the point is it all starts with accumulation so now if we look at our you know dear human friends out there who are struggling with a weight accumulation my assertion through my lens is what's actually happened is they've accumulated a lot of trauma emotions that haven't been expressed and they live within the constructs subconsciously usually of I don't feel loved I don't feel loved I don't feel accepted or I don't feel wanted there's some discard which makes that human being feel completely isolated separate from the whole and that's a miserable place to live and they found comfort in food now that's a generalization but a lot of people are going to be able to resonate with that so what that will look like is as when I was a younger child I was made fun of I was picked on at school or perhaps my parents were somewhat absent because they were busy or they were just struggling with their own things and I never felt held as a child and I found the comfort that I was looking for in a care provider in food instead and food is probably biggest drug right it's something that we obviously do every day and so that became a vicious cycle where whenever I feel any sense of dis-ease I was never given the tools or the environment to be held and so I accumulated my own unexpressed hurt and sadness and fear and I found comfort by just eating so that's both speaks to the emotional eating component but also just the dynamic of how we want to as human beings avoid pain and seek pleasure so both are going on there right so I'm in a state of pain there's no one really around me in my environment or my family so to listen to my point earlier and let me express and feel sad and then be held where I feel comforted so my pain has been transmuted into a pleasure that I found through sub substance in this case food and then it becomes a vicious cycle where it now speaks to the language component which is it might have started as a feeling deep-seated of I'm inadequate are not loved are not wanted that then physiologically started to be expressed as somebody who societally is now rejected because obviously it's not good to be fat right you're not gonna be the picked one so now you're it's a vicious cycle where you're reinforcing the belief of inadequacy and now you use language to actually miss identify with your physical form to your point if somebody says I am fat or I am overweight what they're saying is I am this meatsuit now it becomes very difficult because you're actually saying Who I am is this and so to try and lose this would be to lose yourself which is impossible it's like trying to lift yourself up by your bootstraps so that's where there's it becomes insidious right it becomes incredibly difficult because there's the deep subconscious feelings of inadequacy and separation that then fuel the met the escape mechanisms to which I then become identified and then because of even more self judgment I feel there's something wrong with me and I'm bad and I have to do something against that which creates a lot of pressure and a lot of heaviness like if I if I come up to say you have to do this you you're going to resist right nobody so when we're doing that to ourselves oh I'm a loser I have to do this we're creating more heaviness energetically emotionally and then physically in our body so that's the that's the Cascade right and so how do we undo that well it comes back to what I said earlier about a lot of love and compassion and acceptance but at least undoing my association with my physical form if I can see that Who I am is an expression of life I am the only expression of life that is me my perspective and as far as I'm concerned that warrants love and acceptance that warrants reverence there's no other you out there and to start to change that relationship with our self and that's and and they probably will need some support and help to recognize okay what were the breakdowns in your relationship well where was the absence of love and acceptance as you grew up that that to me is the that's the real loss that needs to happen is not the loss of weight but the loss of feelings of inadequacy the loss of the absence of love too it's it may seem like a segue but I think it relates I'm helping a client currently go through a divorce and her conditioning was to be the nurturer and the provider and in many regards we could say they have two children together but we've sort of recognized she kind of has three children by virtue of the way she relates her husband and who he is no slight on him but she had become a care provider for him too and that's why they didn't have a passionate relationship or an equal relationship she she'd got the mothering instincts for two children and then also a grown man and she said you know I'm really struggling with divorcing this person because of those patterns and I said just consider you're not divorcing him you're divorcing the version of yourself that attracted him now if you understand that it's so profound and for her was the access to a much easier path forward because she's like wow like it is it feels like a shedding I'm letting go of a part of me that felt it was my responsibility to take care of everybody which was a reflection of her childhood where she had to take care of her mother because her mum was sick and she just started to play that role even with her own husband so she was letting go of that identity of herself which gives her an immense amount of freedom not thinking that she's responsible for this grown man's life which is also disservice to him he's a he's capable he just didn't need to be with her because she took care of everything right so if we look at that as a comparison to somebody who's Cohn quote dealing with obesity it's not the weight saalu's it's the image of themselves that they're looking to shed that has got these connotations of inadequacy of not being acceptable of not being loved that is the the real weight loss opportunity because when they let go of that they find a new sense of love and compassion for themselves which is the precursor to a new body yeah I mean would you encourage them to even reframe the way they say it for example instead of saying I am obese or I am fat you know I am someone you know for example I am someone who is currently carrying excess weight mm-hmm oh that's more accurate isn't it yeah can they start using language immediately to start changing that relationship 100% and I would even you know I get poetic I love to write and you know that's how I find joy and expression I'd say who you are is an expression of pure love and pure possibility looking through a lens of inadequacy insecurity and scarcity which led to a behavioral adaptation where I found comfort in food now if you look at that cascade and we come back to what did I say at the beginning you're an expression of love and pure possibility it is purely based on the view you have of yourself and life that I'm not loved by society I'm not wanted that who I am in my relationship myself is inadequate that that lens it's a lens that I look through gives me the experience of sadness isolation depression hopelessness worthlessness from that perspective I am going to be in a position of pain from which I found relief in food now if we lift off that lens if we remove the the lie that there is something wrong with you that you're not loved you're not accepted then there is relief and in relief I don't need to find comfort in food so yes to your point they could say Who I am currently as somebody who based on my conditioning has accumulated excess calories over time that expresses as a bigger body that's the physics but the why is because of the way that I view myself as somehow less than as somehow inadequate and that's the thing to really look at is it true that who you are is somehow not enough it might feel that way you may have Express yourself there your entire life that way but I would assert it is not a truth and in the absence of that self-deprecating view of yourself if that is gone then people feel such an immense weight loss emotionally like everybody I work with says gosh I feel so much lighter yeah that is an energetic / emotional precursor to them their body reflecting that yeah it's the more I think about obesity the more I reflect on patients over the last 20 years the more I know the more I think we've again we've reduced the narrative around it to be simply about calories yeah it's about food and it's not well yeah yeah and even within food and people talk about hunger there's physical hunger man there's emotional hunger you know why are you eating like someone on that interest story I put out to ask you questions I think someone said ask Peter why I can't stop eating foods in the evening that I know aren't helpful for me yeah you sort of answered that because actually it's part of that story it the way I sit the way I about it is that we're now using food for things that we never used to use it for free in it for instance mm-hmm food used to be there as fuel for physical hunger we're really hungry we needed feel we needs now we eat when we're sad when we're lonely when we're depressed yes when we're stressed you know we eat for all kinds of other reasons now yeah and simply telling people what to eat mmm yes it works for some it does appear to work for some yeah certainly in the short term yeah but long term yeah these things never tend to last because what to eat isn't the root cause it's why people are eating it in the first place yeah you know and it's 100 percent it's really I do I don't talk about be Steve that much on the podcast has it come up for a while but I think it's super important because yeah it is not just about read another book to tell me what to eat no no no no for some people sure I have seen ultimately what would you say to some people who do change what are you and they do read a book at all right it's this yeah would you say there's no emotional component that no everybody's got an emotional component maybe they're a little bit more strong-willed or committed or perhaps their degree of obesity isn't quote unquote as drastic yeah you know and maybe they're just somebody who's very you know left brain and they just like oh okay this is I need instructions and I'll just follow them I think if we really break it down what is food right it is a form of nourishment and the expression I use again I say for the most part Westerners are overfed and undernourished now that is not just about food that is going back again to my point about relationships and how we do or don't experience love so love is another form of nourishment physical touch being held by someone being told that you know it's okay even if somebody's feeling sad that is a beautiful form of nourishment and in the absence of those forms of nourishment people are going to find just based on their brain chemistry's impulses some form of pleasure or nourishment so invariably the the people that are struggling with physical reflections of excess or the first stage of disease accumulation they're just missing those other aspects of nourishment and it's easy for me to sit here and say these things and I hope people understand I'm coming from love and compassion which is yes you may be listening to this and you may be in this situation and your question and your brain is saying is yeah but I don't have any good friends my parents aren't there or they estranged me when I was very young or yeah and I and all I can say is you know I hope you can find love and compassion for yourself start there because that would be a precursor to other people showing up energetically you know how might they do that Pisa like how someone hearing that okay fine how can they start doing that is it with daily journaling is it with affirmations each day saying mm-hmm I'm you know I'm full of love hope and compassion you know I am a worthy human being in front of the mirror is it you know I've seen Marissa peers on a podcast as you talked about you know with some of her clients she has I am enough that she gets them to lip stick it on their mirrors all around the house everywhere they go they see I'm enough they say I am enough yeah I think you know is there something practical for them that they can start showing compassion to themselves I mean those are great tools and again you know I'm not much strategist because I think awareness is the most important thing then it's practice so to answer your question directly yes there are gonna be things they can do but up more than anything I want people to understand they are a unique expression of life like if that person is a parent or was a parent I often say if you had a baby that was yours and even if her again you don't but you can imagine I don't have kids but I can certainly imagine if I had Mona charged you're obviously a dad you understand what would your energy be towards that child and categorically across the spectrum people like gosh I'd just do anything for them now at least that person has a semblance of what does love look like because oftentimes we don't know what self-love looks like because we use it or it gets expressed in our relationship to somebody else that we care about so sometimes what people need is just a hypothetical or a real-life example of where do I express love and now we can tap into that because I know how I would feel towards my own child towards a baby it doesn't even it could be a nice it could be a nephew it could be your friends just have a new baby and if I I know gosh there's a there's a preciousness there in that child that is equally a reflection of who I once was as a baby and energetically and emotionally still am so that's the it might not seem very practical but there is a real-life example where you can look at the beauty of a newborn baby and go wait a minute what does that elicit in me because that expression internally of that emotion is the precursor to an action that is more self loving now for that person self love might look like it might look like I'm not going to have that second packet of biscuits or something right that might be the first expression of self-love is that if if I have to traditionally in a day to route to two packets I'm gonna have one and a half today now to the lay person on the street who isn't struggling with a beast they might still judge that as terrible but no that was a glimpse you move the needle in the direction of self love and that's the thing that I think more people don't you know need to understand that they don't which is process time patience yeah you know and and that those qualities of patience are themselves love right with somebody you love with you and your children maybe at times you're frustrated and you're in a hurry visit but for the most part you understand it's a child and they need time to learn to ride a bike they need learn they need time to learn how to do them the mathematical equation and we've lost that gentleness we've lost that Humanity of patience with ourselves and I often like to do timelines you know if if I could see you in a year you've got a year to work on this and let's say somebody needs to lose five pounds you know under five pounds five stone right like in so what was that sixty pounds or whatever it is like so it's a chunk weight or even if it's more first of all you're not going to do that overnight what if you could look at it through a healthy lens of okay literally I could lose one one-and-a-half pounds a week maybe two pounds a week and that would be considered a healthy progression then we would reverse engineer that so if I'm going to lose let's say two pounds a week and I've got 60 pounds to lose I've got 30 weeks so it's about ten months now that changes for me the conversation immediately Wow it gives me breathing room that I'm not supposed to do this overnight I've got 10 months to do that so immediately I'm giving myself some compassion I'm giving myself some time to breathe rather than by the end of January I must drop two dress sizes yes becomes unrealistic yeah and then so you're actually setting yourself up for more self-sabotage and feeds that cycle of oh I failed I'm not worthy off this cause there's the precursor so again it all comes back down to and again it may sound as a teracle poetic but for me I love turning on the internal expression of male and female expressions of love right and what does that mean so like I said if you imagine you had your own baby or you could see somebody's baby to me it pulls forth the expression of the quintessential mothering unconditional love and acceptance a mother's energy is embracing its nurturing it's all holding when the baby's crying or it breaks something the mother's inclination is don't worry it's okay so to bring that quality and then the the father the paternal energy is love but with a little bit of sort of that logical commitment and something that is we're going to work towards it's an analytical side and I think what we tend to do is we tend to come straight in the masculine like well what should I do what is the strategy and sometimes I feel beyond sometimes every time I feel what people need first is that feminine it's okay it's okay where you're at they've currently you're two five three hundred pounds oh it's okay I get that you're discomforted I get that you feel terrible but it's okay you are where you are now the person feels seen they feel held there's a degree of self-acceptance now what would you like to do as a choice not as a reaction because if we're coming from a reactive state of mind - we're denying ourselves we're saying I'm not something and I need to fix myself that is also going to be a losing proposition versus I'm going to choose to take care of myself and over a very very realistic time frame this is now the practical side the masculine I'm going to lose I'm going to commit to what are the choices I have to make to lose one to two pounds a week that may seem completely nominal relative to somebody's current condition but check back with me in a year I see where I'm at and and I forgot who said it but it was like Ernest Hemingway or somebody they said you know look the time is gonna pass anyway like relative you know the world it's gonna keep moving so you might as well do something that is good for yourself right I mean just a couple of observations that Peter I'm conscious that we're almost at the end of the time we okay and we still haven't covered a lot of things I wanted to say which means we're gonna have three back in LA in a few months yeah yeah I wanted to touch on relationships and kids yeah I think we have done a little bit to be fair yeah I had done I what's interesting you mentioned before you know what would you relay should be like with your kids you know regarding patience you'd be patient with him it's it's when the addressing that for me as I become more compassion to myself yes and more patient with myself yeah I become more patient with my kids yes and that sort of applies to relationships as well and you know we didn't really wouldn't go in deep into relationships we sort of touched on some of them yeah I wonder briefly oh because we're out of time yeah for people and again this is something we can go and deep next time yeah love to show there will be a next time I have no doubts yeah but are there some sort of practical tips that people can think about in their relationships yeah one word listen listen it's it's it's so misunderstood when people talk about communicating what does what does usually come to mind when you say you know communicate what do you normally think of when you hear that word like if I'm communicate or do I like what is the connotation if I'm saying oh you know they're good communicator what does that normally imply normally applies they're good at explaining something to someone correct so I want to flip that around I want to say the greatest communicators are the greatest listeners two ears one mouth right so in relationships if this is like sort of we're down to the last couple of minutes and there's an ultimate take away is work on listening there's no greater gift you can give a human being than to truly get their reality over there we most people tend to react they're not listening so even if someone comes up and calls me an idiot which fortunately they don't but if from my perspective I really got that's how they viewed me and I was listening there's no reaction on my end there's actually just curiosity because that's not how I view myself so I'm kind of curious where did you get that opinion of me so now I get into their reality versus retaliating and so will screw you you're an idiot which is how most people relate there's a very basic form of language but it's because people don't listen they react and again I'm gonna reiterate it there's no greater gift you can get than to truly understand fully fully get somebody's view of life they're just expressing how things look through their eyes and what most people do is they don't get their reality they listen from how does their view affect me that's how most people listening what is their words and what are their actions what are the implications to me yeah which is the survival mindset that is not a relationship really get this that is not a relationship with anyone else that is a relationship with my view of my own existence which is why most people aren't in a relationship because they're not with the other person they're with the other person and how does that person threaten my view of life yeah that that's why most people are lonely why most people's relationships aren't passionate and fulfilling and joyous because they don't understand that a relationship has got nothing to do with my view of survival and how that person upsets me or brings me joy or they have to behave in a certain way for me to feel okay it's rather I'm fascinated to get to know your view of life yeah and that is that would change this whole world in the way that people relate to each other like you wouldn't believe Peter I normally ask people to finish off with some practical tips but I think you've already done that I think you've given plenty of practical tips it's a lot of wisdom in what you say I'm no doubt that people will resonate with this episode just as much yeah I didn't share as much in my own story in this one but maybe we can do that next time yeah look at your relationship exactly yeah Lisa then I will finish off with a final question I want to give something for your own life is there something you do on a daily basis mm-hmm to help keep you on an even keel to help keep you in control of your mind and your body and your hearts is there something you do that maybe people can learn from I think hey that's something I might want to bring into my life I mean practically there's many things but I would say they all stem back to the same perspective that I hope people are getting from this which is self love and care yeah you know whether it's you look at it as a tragedy that my parents died when I was very young or you look at it as an opportunity for me to have to step up and take care of myself and perhaps that was the precursor for me to initially be in a real heightened state of survival because there was no one else there to take care of me or that was maybe what was that that set me up Cohn quote for success of turning self-preservation into self love and acceptance and so all of if you were to follow me around for example and sometimes people want to know the things to do right like so I get up early and I work out and I go and and infrared sauna or I do cold plunging all these things that now be I'm very on vogue in the biohacking world and I eat good food and you know I do a hyperbaric chamber from time sit like these are the things that I do for Nia right exactly so these are the things you might see but what I want people to understand is what is the underlying energy what is the why or the how am I doing it because I also know a lot of people who will be at the local gym every morning at 6 o'clock in the morning and it looks like what they're doing is good for them but the underlying currents that drives them is really an addiction to their feeling of inadequacy that they're trying to compensate for by looking a certain way so I don't want people to get too caught up in the actions and the behaviors and really look at what is the underlying essence of where I'm coming from are you making choices for yourself that are founded in self-love and appreciation or are they found it in self sort of survival and preservation and that is a subtle but very important distinction it takes a bit of time to sit quietly and go why am i doing what I'm doing so for me for sure and look I'm not perfect I'm still human I'm gonna have days where I feel lousy and I feel tired and I'm like what's the point the difference is for me I don't wallow there I bring love and acceptance and I accept my humanity it's ok to have a day where you don't feel like Superman and maybe what that day requires is an early to bed you know maybe a nap maybe a long bath maybe take a walk or a hike in nature and get maybe talk to a friend and say god I'm just feeling lousy today so all of the things that we spoke to it's embrace our humanity warts and all and have more patients have more compassion for yourself and your fellow man and woman and realize that you know without sounding trite that we're all doing the best we can within the limits of awareness that we currently have yeah it's not so much that what you're doing it's that why you're doing it yes and then peace a lot so much wisdom again I think many people are getting really really take on ball what you say it's going to help them shift their perspective on their own life people always want to know more how can people stay in touch with you what is it how you know how can they find out more about you and what you're doing is there somewhere I can direct people well firstly thank you it's a pleasure to be with you again my friend and I hope if you know if there's one energy people do feel in the way I speak it is love and care right I'm doing this because you're not paying me money of course to some degree it like brings awareness of my work so people might argue are while he's doing this for promotion but really I'm doing this just cuz I care and if people could just take a little snippet of that energy for themselves and I feel like done my job today in terms of reaching me Instagram Pizza Kron official is always great we're now even on Facebook we've incorporated that Pizza Crow in the mind architect and then my website Peter Crone calm so I'm always so flattered and humbled by the amount of people to reach out with kind words for what they might have gotten from today and so I love hearing from people if people want to reach out because you know we're all doing the best we can and I feel blessed that I have a perspective that seems to really inspire people to look at life through a different set of eyes and and I don't take that for granted and I feel you know an honor and responsibility to be able to share that with people so that they today might find greater freedom and peace in their life Peter thank you so much for your time and part three a point very soon in the future we got our own like ongoing series that we do yeah well ask more questions and we'll keep coming all right good thanks but take it easy man thank you press subscribe to get more inspiration and ideas on how to feel better so you can get more out of life and if you have a moment why not check out this conversation that I've picked out as a perfect follower remember lifestyle change is always worth it because when you feel better you live more

Channel: Dr Rangan Chatterjee

Views: 236,190

Keywords: GP, Four Pillar Plan, lifestyle medicine, feel better in 5, feel better live more, fblm, health, wellness, drchatterjee, rangan chatterjee, how to make disease disappear, apple podcast, joe rogan, jay shetty, health advice, richroll, therichrollpodcast, petercrone, mindset, growthmindset, eckharttolle, russellbrand

Id: 6BNzTQCzStc

Length: 88min 22sec (5302 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 16 2020